04x16 - Welcome Back, Duke

[bunniefuu]

[SLURPS]

[BURPS]

[SIGHS]

Ah. No females.

[GIRLS SHOUTING]

SALEM: Oh, no. Not Sabrina's
teenybopper basketball team.

Sandwiches are in the fridge.
We b*at the boys.

How nice for America.

I love coaching those girls.
They're so sweet and innocent.

GIRL: Can we have beer?
- No. Aren't they adorable?

GIRLS [CHANTING]: Girls rule,
boys drool! Girls rule, boys drool!

Stop it. A man can stand
only so much estrogen.

Kindly get those
double-X chromosomers out of here

so that I can try to regain
my manly reverie.

Why, you little...

I guess you have to put up
with a lot of females,

so I'll just take the kids outside
and practise free throws.

- Thank you.
- Girls.

Oh, we're gonna need a ball. I know.

Come on, guys.
Outside, practise dribbling.

SALEM [SOBS]: No.
- Can that ball talk?

No, no, no, it's just a leak.
It's filled with hot air.

[SALEM MUTTERING]

Well, Sabrina, with your grades
and extracurricular activities,

I think you can get into college
anywhere.

Princeton, Boston College.

- I wanna go to Adams.
- MIT, Emerson.

But I love Adams.

I mean, its st-century concepts
taught amid th-century beauty.

Yes, I read the brochure.

You have great grades.

You have lots of academic
extracurricular activities.

You have excellent
recommendations,

but you have nothing in the arts.

Adams loves the arts.

I'm afraid you're not
well-rounded enough for them.

How about Yale?

I wanted to go to Adams,

but I guess I won't as long
as my résumé looks like Pac-Man.

You know, I'm so proud of Sabrina.

Me too. What'd she do?

You know, she's coaching those girls
down at the community centre.

You know,
we should do more for the community.

I stopped attending town-hall meetings
per the request of the community.

- Isn't that enough?
SALEM: Good news, good news.

The leash law for dogs
was upheld in the Supreme Court.

From your mouth
to Ruth Bader Ginsburg's ears.

No, I just got a letter from
the Other Realm Processing Centre.

Guess who's finished serving
his sentence as a cat.

Well, it can't be you.

You've got another years
left to go.

It must be one of Salem's underlings.
They got shorter sentences.

- I'll bet it's that Irish guy, Frederico.
- Or Steven.

- It's Duke.
- Wait a minute, I know. Lucille.

It's Duke.
And he needs a place to stay.

Just until he gets off his paws
and back on his feet.

Well, helping out would be a way
to give back to the community.

Of course. What better way to say
thank you than by housing a felon?

No, by providing guidance
to a woman who has paid her dues.

Duke.

He's a guy named Duke.

Well, why didn't you say so?

Astronomy, babysitting, chess,
not arty.

Hey, nice game Saturday.

Your girls really did a number
on my brother's team.

- Debate.
- I already gave you my side of it.

Look, I don't wanna get anyone
in trouble,

but one of your Marauders
tends to block with her fists.

- Perfect.
- Not really, it's a bad habit to get into.

- I have to do this.
- Try out for the musicale?

Isn't that for kids
with musical talent?

But I have to complete my circle.

Become more well-rounded,
less half-eaten pie-like.

Are you gonna help me or not?

[PLAYING OFF-KEY]

[SINGING BADLY]
She'll be coming around

The mountain when she comes

She'll be coming around the mountain
When she comes

Aloha

[SINGING IN HAWAIIAN]

[VIBRATING]

[SINGING "LA MARSEILLAISE"
IN FRENCH]

[NO SOUND]

[SINGING]
Swing low, sweet chariot

Coming for to carry me home

[THUD]

The trumpet wasn't so bad.
Fairly quiet.

I'm never gonna get into Adams.

No small yet challenging classes
first year through fourth.

- That was a great brochure.
- What else are they looking for?

Stagehands, set builders, dancers--

Wait, I'm a dancer.
I took tap when I was .

- It'll come back.
- Uh-oh. Problem.

It says they're looking for teams.
Dancers must audition with a partner.

[MUSIC PLAYING OVER STEREO]

Ow!

What about Yale?

No smoking, no drinking
and no roughhousing.

And no plotting to take over the world.
Or any part thereof.

Don't worry.

I know I haven't been around
an old crony for a while,

but when Duke gets here, I'll do
my very best to resist every temptation.

Come on, Hilda, we've got students
waiting in the kitchen.

- Students?
SALEM: Yes.

We're teaching English
as a second language

to some people
from the neighbourhood.

It's a win-win situation.

We give back to the community

and they learn to read
our keep-off-the-grass sign.

SALEM:
Duke.

- Hi, boss.
- Heh-heh-heh.

Hey, you're a man now.

Oh, sorry. Old habit.

Duke, you look great.
How the heck are you?

Wonderful.

- I miss being a cat.
- What?

I miss lying there in the sun,
batting at dust particles.

Come here, big guy.

Are you nuts?

You don't have to eat kibble.

You'll reach things on the top shelf.
Dear Lord, man, you've got magic now.

Yeah, but it's pretty rusty.

Hey, you got
any of those liver treats?

Okay, let's start with the basics.

Hello.

[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Hi.

[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Okay. I quit.

[BOTH LAUGH]

That was my favourite coup.

Face it,
overtaken French are just plain funny.

[BOTH LAUGH]

But you know something?

I've decided, if I have to be human,
I wanna go straight.

[SALEM GASPS]

Ha-ha-ha. Oh, that's a good one,
Duke. Ha-ha-ha.

I'm the only one laughing.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're right. It's a crazy idea.

I haven't got the self-esteem
to make it without breaking the law.

And you know the best way
to get some self-esteem?

Do magic. Come on, boy.

You know, there's an old teacher
of mine I'd like to see.

He lived in the Ottoman Empire.

- Conjure him.
- Here goes.

Poastum ottoman ser alli

- Close.
- Hey, guys.

Was that always there?

Mind coaching the girls tonight so I
can rehearse my number with Harvey?

Honey, do you really think
this is such a good idea?

I mean, you're not that musical.

Or coordinated or graceful.

Okay.

I wanna go to Adams, its rolling
green hills and academic challenges.

Yes, we read the brochure.

If it means this much to you,
we'll coach the Marauders.

We've been wanting
to give back to the community.

But you have to find
someone responsible

to watch the clock shop
for us tonight.

No problem.

There's nothing to worry about.

If a customer comes, give them
a clock and take their money.

Look, you said
you wanted to go straight.

This is the perfect way to see
how an upstanding citizen functions.

It's all on the up and up.

Just don't tell my aunts.

- Say something.
- Help.

Good. Gotta go.

[DOOR OPENS]

Well,
look who's running things now.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[ALL YELLING]

There have got to be easier ways
to give back to the community.

How about we drop a big net
from the ceiling?

You know,
I've studied preadolescent psychology,

and the best way to regain control
is through reasoning.

And then we drop the big net?

Girls, girls, girls,
may I have your atten--

Ooh.

- Hilda.
- Get the net?

And a fire hose.

And now she's joined by...

[HARVEY FALLS]

Did I mention
I really wanna get into Adams?

You're doing a great job
running this clock shop.

Sabrina would be so proud.

Oh, please don't let a customer
come in here.

Will you stop being
such a fraidy-former-cat?

Look, there's a broken watch.
Fix it with magic.

Live a little.

Okay, here goes.

[CHANTING]

It's ticking, I did it, I did magic.
And right.

SALEM:
I knew you could.

I am so proud of you, Duke.

Now conjure a voting booth
we can tamper with.

No, that'd be wrong.

I'll love you.

Okay.

[CHANTING]

Maybe we should close early today.

I'm sorry.

You left Hilda's clock shop

in the hands of a former criminal
with rusty magic and his evil boss.

- Really sorry.
- We were doing you a favour.

Zelda took numerous balls
to the head.

All right, pass me the hair shirt.

Look, I know Duke
was Salem's old lieutenant,

but I thought he was a nice guy.

She gets things wrong a lot.

Well, looks can be deceiving.

As evidenced by that sweet-faced,
ball-hurling Rachel Barnett.

Do you have any idea
how long it's going to take us

to zap that shop back together?

I can't believe
I got that nice girl in such trouble.

I'll clean up the whole backroom
tomorrow.

But first,
I have to practise my tapping.

- Please?
- All right.

We'll get down there
and start putting things back together

before someone tells the police

and we have
yet another pesky investigation.

The worst was in when
we had to explain our Oldsmobile.

- Hello, boss.
- Bennie.

Duke.

Some of the boys got the word
that Duke had shed his fur.

I'm here to get him
to join the g*ng again.

You know something,
maybe I should.

I haven't got what it takes
to make it in the legit world.

- Attaboy, come on.
- Stop, you can't take Duke.

- What's with the broad?
- Look, Duke's not one of you.

I realise I don't know him that well,
I don't know you that well,

but I'm going with my instincts.

He's a good guy, you're not.

Sure he is. Do me a favour,
call me when things don't work out.

You stood up for me,
and when I got you in so much trouble.

True, but I believe
you were under a bad influence.

Sure, blame the cat.

What? I said, blame the cat.

I'm never gonna get it.

SABRINA [IN VOICEOVER]:
Duke's a good guy.

I fixed that clock.

Sabrina,
I'm gonna make you a better dancer.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[CHANTING]

Nothing exploded.

Aunt Hilda, Aunt Zelda.

Help, I have two right feet.

Well, actually, I have one
right one and one wrong one.

- I'd help you pace, but--
- That's okay.

It was funny enough watching
you come down the stairs.

- What did Duke say?
- He still can't remember the spell.

Well, did you mention that it probably
had something to do with feet?

Yes.

We can't reverse the spell
unless we know what it was.

We need him down here.

Sorry, but he's too upset
to face that sweet, sweet girl, Salinas.

He's not very good with names.

Well, I like him too.

I mean, he's a nice man
and he means well,

and I would tell him that to his face
if I could stop orbiting myself.

Oh, and I have an audition
this afternoon.

Maybe this was it:

[CHANTING]

Ah. Not it.

[CHANTS]

Well, I'm afraid
we only have one choice.

We're gonna have to go
into Duke's memory.

Oh.

Come on, Hilda.

I hate other people's memories.
They always dwell in the past.

I don't suppose
you wanna make me a sandwich.

Ugh. What a mess. No wonder
he can't remember anything.

We'll just have to dive in
until we find Old Spells.

[SNIFFS]

Why does it smell
like cheese in here?

- It wouldn't have to be a big sandwich.
- Stop it.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Harvey?

Hey, I'm ready to rehearse.

"Duke's memory"?

Yeah, it's a gravestone
for Salem's old owner.

A door in the middle
of the living room?

Yes. Please respect
our religious beliefs.

"Repressed memories."
Shame on you.

Take a gander.
I thought I had problems.

Keep searching.

Wow, move over, Joan Crawford.

Sabrina, this thing is weird.

It's got a force field
or something around it.

Did you come here to rehearse
or to look at tombstones?

Rehearse.

I couldn't have anticipated
the tombstone.

So are you gonna get up?

No. I'm gonna sit here in judgement.

- Oh, gross.
- What?

A video memory of him
attacking a mouse when he was a cat.

Oh, man, that is one mean mouse.

I don't understand.
You said we had to rehearse.

I changed my mind.
There is such a thing as overkill.

I'll see you later. Now go.

- Found it.
- Where did you--?

Oh, you found old Duke's last request.
Yep, he wanted a door.

They feel pretty good, but I swear,
that piggy is a little less cute.

It's the same toe.

Okay, well, I gotta get upstairs,
change, go to school,

convince Harvey
that we do need to rehearse

because I do wanna go to Adams.

Hey, how about this for an excuse?
I was just funning.

Hey, I say, if you haven't used it
in a week, go for it.

Oh, hey, I just remembered.

Mind coaching the girls one more time
for me during my audition?

- Duke could coach them.
- No, we'll manage.

They're young and should have
their whole lives ahead of them.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

You know, Harvey, we've been
practising in our spare time all day,

and you haven't gotten any better.

I think when somebody
is doing you a favour,

you shouldn't pick so much.

The kid dances like an old man.

I can do this. I can fix him.

Well, you can't make the boy worse.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[CHANTING]

Wow.

- Harvey, that's great.
- I did it, I did it.

Okay, let's take it from the top.

I don't wanna.

But we have to practise.

Ha-ha. You said "but." Ha.

Butt, butt, butthead.

Uh-oh. He's definitely
not an old man anymore.

- Butt, butt.
- What's wrong with you?

Ow. I'm telling.

Salem, what are you doing here?

Deh-- Came to cheer you on.

Wait a minute, where's Duke?

Uh-- Duke who?

[DUKE MEOWING]

Tell your friend to remove
whatever spell he's put on Harvey.

What makes you think
he put a spell on him?

I've got big-boy pants on.

Just a hunch. Tell him to fix Harvey.

Harvey who?

Well, at least we found the trick.

Yep, it doesn't matter if you're
a nice coach or a tough coach.

As long as you're a tall coach.

[WHISTLES]

Okay, okay.
Let's try a three-man weave, ladies.

Maybe we should have
called them ladies.

We called them everything else.
I wonder how the audition's going.

Harvey.

Ah! Tickle, tickle.

Oh! I hated this game when I was
and I still hate it.

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

Thank you, Bobby and Barbara.
Are Sabrina and Harvey ready?

Where's Duke?

Right here.

I can't remember the spell.

It's something feetum something.

Terrific. I don't have time
to go into your memory.

Thanks a lot, Duke, you've ruined
my only chance to get into Adams.

When you're a cat,
this thing doesn't happen.

Ruining people's lives?
It happens to me all the time.

And now
Sabrina Spellman and Harvey Kinkle.

[TURNS MUSIC ON]

And here's where my partner
would normally come in.

Let's give them the old soft shoe.

[CROWD APPLAUDS]

Thank you, wow. I didn't know
a con man could dance so well.

Well, I may be a criminal,
but I did take cotillion.

Sabrina, congratulations.
You've got the part.

Whoo-hoo.

SALEM: Need a little help.
Hoo-hoo-hoo.

Oh, no. Harvey, naughty boy.

[SALEM SOBBING]

[LAUGHING]

He has to be still
so we can reverse the spell.

- Harvey, you want some candy?
- No.

- Freak.
- I have an idea.

[CHANTING]

What's that?

It's a fax of the stupid rehearsal
schedule for my stupid musicale.

I'm stupid Villager Number .

So all your hard work paid off.

No, it's so time-consuming,

I'm gonna have to give up
coaching the Marauders.

Well, on the bright side,
fewer concussions.

This stinks. I knocked myself out and
now I have to give up something I love.

Well, honey,
you can always turn the part down.

But I need it for Adams
and its state-of-the-art library with...

You know what?
To heck with Adams.

I'm gonna send my application
just the way it is. No arts.

If they don't want me, their loss.

Pearls before swine.

I'm assuming
that means you're on my side.

Another good thing came out of this.

Zellie and I figured out a way
we could give back to the community.

Oh, what are you gonna do,
clean highways? Run a food bank?

Help people convert their Y K shelters
back into b*mb shelters?

No, we actually gave a person
back to the community. Observe.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Excellent.
The elderly should tap more often.

You know, I'm really sorry
I passed out right before the audition.

Oh, no problem.

It was nice of you to get me to your
house and nurse me back to health,

although I still don't know
how you did it.

Oh, I'm deceptively strong.

When I was out,
I had some crazy dreams.

I met John Salley.
He threatened me with a time-out.

I think that means
you have a fear of flying.

- Just one thing.
- What's that?

Why do I keep wanting to eat paste?