04x17 - Salem's Daughter

[bunniefuu]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

There's your Other Realm Gazette.
I need to collect.

You're the newspaper boy?

My mother took a lot of folic acid
when I was in utero.

My aunts aren't home,
I don't have money.

Little Mikey gets stiffed.

- Can you come back tomorrow?
- Oh, sure, come back tomorrow.

"Oh, I don't get paid till Friday."
Everybody's got an excuse.

- I give excellent service, but--
- Excellent service?

Last Tuesday's paper
was from ,

and Monday's paper
was wrapped around a fish.

I've been sick.

When we get our replacement papers,
you'll get paid.

Fine.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[THUNDER CRASHES]

Oh, well, it looks like
it's gonna be sunny tomorrow.

Hey, listen to this
wedding announcement:

"Laird Prescott
to marry Annabelle Saberhagen."

Is she any relation to you?

Me? Why, no, of course not--

[SOBBING]

She's my daughter.

Daughter? You have a daughter?

Salem has a daughter?

He's years old.

He didn't spend all that time
watching television.

Annabelle hasn't been in touch
with him for decades.

It's caused him many sleepless nights,
which is why he sleeps all day.

It's their family, their rift.
We leave it alone.

And that's coming from me,
a real busybody.

Salem has a daughter?

I know it's personal
and I don't wanna pry,

so I won't ask any questions.

Thank you.

Annabelle blames me for being away
so much when she was growing up.

Is that because you were away
so much when she was growing up?

Yeah, but collapsing governments
isn't something you can do from home.

I'm finding it hard
to be impartial here,

but there's so little you've done right.

- Why didn't you ever call?
- I'm too guilty to call.

And then when I was found guilty,
I really felt too guilty to call.

But I still love my little pumpkin.

[SOBBING]

Is there anything I can do to help?

Just spitballing, but...

So let me get this straight.
My father is your house pet?

A very contrite house pet.

And he loves you very much

and he desperately wants to share
your wedding with you.

[SOBBING]

He does?

You've certainly got
your father's cry.

I always wanted him
to be in my wedding,

I just wanted him to ask.

Well, I'm asking for him.

Close enough.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm just so overwhelmed.

There's so much
to planning a wedding.

I could help.

I could fold napkins
or handle the guest book, park cars.

Would you be my maid of honour?

Oh, as if we know each other.

Who better to share my special day
than the person responsible

for mending the rift
between my daddy and me?

Other than a sister
or a college roommate

or a lifelong friend,
I can't think of anyone.

[SOBBING]

Thank you.

- Hey.
- Guess what this is.

You have a shop full
of unhappy customers.

No, it's bread.

It's from that bakery that we both loved
so much back in the th century.

Have a bite.

Mm. Mm.

Where did you get this?
I thought we cleaned out the freezer.

I found the instruction manual
to the lost-in-time clock.

And I was so bored,
I actually read it.

Check out all the great things
this clock can do.

Been able to make it tell time yet?

Not yet, but it can answer
questions about history,

which I don't care about,
but you will.

And it can bring back anything
you want from any year you want.

And it's a salad spinner.

Go ahead, play with the clock.

Well, shouldn't we be out there
helping the customers?

Oh, they'll go away. They always do.

SALEM: I can't believe my little girl
has finally forgiven me.

From here on in, whatever
pumpkin wants, pumpkin gets.

And she wants you to perform
the duties of father of the bride.

Are you nuts?

I just wanted to go and watch it
from the back like Stella Dallas.

I can't do father-of-the-bride stuff.
I'm a cat.

You can write a cheque
and walk her down the aisle.

Well, what will I do
on the father-daughter dance?

Ride on her shoe?

And I can't--

Hey, would you be my second

and perform any duties
I'm too furry to do?

Maid of honour,
backup father of the bride.

Fine, but I draw the line at catering.

I'm so glad
you two patched everything up.

Me too. We need dates.

Oh, good heavens, yes.

We can't go unescorted
to a wedding.

They'll try to fix us up
with every loser in the place.

You can hook up
with my uncle Morty.

You mean,
Uncle Inappropriate Behaviour?

Well, I wish I could take Willard.

But fortunately,
it's in the Other Realm, so you can't.

This looks like a job
for Mystery Date.

- What?
- Another feature of our little clock.

All we have to do is state which
qualities we want in our mystery date,

and then spin the hands
of the clock.

I'd like someone
who is independent, adventurous

and likes long walks on the beach.

[CLOCK CHIMES]

Leif Ericson?

You forgot to say,
"But who isn't a Viking."

I don't wanna pick, but maybe it's time
for you to clean out your locker.

They're bridal magazines.

Somehow I got roped
into helping plan a wedding.

I was talking
about the old sandwiches.

Sabrina and I share lockers.

It's kind of like living together.

I'm all gooey inside.

Looks like Sabrina's planning
a wedding.

I wonder whose.

If the tux fits, buddy.

That doesn't sound like Sabrina.

We're going to college.

I'm driving the Indy .

No way she's thinking
about marriage.

That's what my brother thought.

Now he's got three kids.

Copernicus may have realised

that the Earth
isn't the centre of the universe,

but he hasn't realised that he isn't.

- I'm going to spin again.
- No, it's my turn.

You've already sent back guys.

Go through your maybe pile again.

Well, Leif is smelling better
now that he's dry.

I want someone
who'll take out the garbage.

In other words, the outdoorsy type.

- Davy Crockett?
- I'm Daniel Boone.

Excuse me. Heh.

I think the real Davy Crockett
would be a little less touchy.

Josh.

If you're gonna drool over Sabrina,
do it over the spill tray.

Ah-- I do not like Sabrina.

Hey, Harvey's here.
Can I take my break now?

Just finish wiping the counter.

If you think your love
can wait that long.

I'm just gonna go up to her
and ask her about the magazines.

That's a good idea. I think
it's about time you two had the talk.

The talk?

Yeah, you bring this up
with Sabrina

and you're gonna have talk to her
about whether you wanna marry her.

Which you don't.

That's gonna upset her.

She's gonna break up with you.

And then you can go to motocross
with me on Saturday night.

I gotta go think.

How about I take two breaks later?

You know
what's wrong with women?

I'm dying to know.

They keep yanking that leash

until the poor dog turns around
and bites.

I'll embroider that on a pillow.

Do you wanna hear
what I just heard?

You know, Marnie,
you're nothing but a gossipmonger.

- It's about Sabrina and Harvey.
- I don't care if it's about Sabrina and--

Tell me later.

[HUMMING]

SALEM:
Let's check the fifth at Aqueduct.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

[SIGHS]

Daddy?

Your daughter's here.

Oh, no.

I've waited years to see her
and she picks now?

Oh, why did I choose today to sample
the new Mexican Science Diet? Oh.

Daddy, where are you?

SALEM:
Be right there.

[HUMS THEN CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, Daddy.

SALEM:
Pumpkin.

[SALEM SOBBING]

I missed you, my precious little girl.

Me too.

Oh, is that sand on your paws?

Hey, I thought Harvey
was coming back, but since he hasn't,

can I take my two breaks plus one
from tomorrow and leave now?

Oh, man, I hate word problems.

Here's a hint. The answer's yes.

Go.

Now, what exactly did you hear
about Harvey and Sabrina?

It sounded like
they might be breaking up.

Apparently, Harvey won't be standing
in the way of destiny anymore.

Okay, good.

Because I am not letting Sabrina
get away again.

The next time I see her,
I'm asking her out.

Oh, I forgot my backpack.

That didn't count.

What do you think about this
for my bouquet?

Bouquet?

- At a wedding?
- What am I missing here?

At an Other Realm wedding,
the maid of honour carries a sapling.

- You mean a tree?
- Just a small one.

And it's planted in a sacred grove.

And every year,
the couple visits it on their anniversary.

Oh, that's kind of sweet.

Not surprisingly,
a popular wedding gift is manure.

Okay, but it doesn't get
any weirder than that, right?

Are you sure
I'm supposed to be wearing this?

SALEM: I might have dyed the boots
to match the dress.

Yep, that's the traditional
maid-of-honour outfit.

Don't you guys ever question
these traditions?

It's been traditional not to.

SABRINA:
Hey, it's Davy Crockett.

- Daniel Boone.
- Sorry.

Good Lord, Sabrina,
you're the maid of honour?

So? Other than looking like a before
picture, it doesn't seem that hard.

Oh, that's right.

You've never been
to an Other Realm wedding before.

Well, good luck.

This way.

- Are they bunny-hopping?
- Of course.

It symbolises the importance
of whimsy in a lasting relationship.

[SHEEP BLEATING]

- And what do the sheep symbolise?
- Nothing.

Apparently,
this place is close to a ranch.

I'm ready.

Wow. I want to say something wise
and wonderful right now,

but I can't think of anything,
except I love you

[CRYING]
and I hope the band knows

some Ohio Players.

Oh, look, there's my beloved Laird
waiting for me.

Isn't it amazing how all men
look great in a suit of armour?

[ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING]

This is the kind of music

that Brian Boitano wears
the dark skates for.

It's the Other Realm
wedding march.

Time to start down the aisle.

So where's the sapling
I'm supposed to carry?

Behind you.

The bigger the tree,
the greater the love.

Couldn't you have married
for money?

Thanks for letting me practise what
I'm gonna to say to Sabrina on you.

No problem.

You don't really think
she'll start weeping and shouting,

"Dear heavens, this is gonna change
everything forever,"

like you did, do you?

[ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[SABRINA GRUNTS]

Put some shoulder in it, Sabrina.
You're holding up the whole wedding.

Hey, Jim,
did you bring your Bowie Kn*fe?

It's Daniel.

The wedding ceremony
is important for all of us

because it includes
ancient traditions--

[PANTING AND WHEEZING]

Ancient traditions that remind us
of the sacred sanctity of marriage.

Let's blow up the balloon.

You gotta be kidding me.

The maid of honour
always blows up the balloon.

The inflated balloon symbolises...

Ahem.
The inflated balloon

symbolises that a couple needs--

[BALLOON DEFLATING]

- Ugh.
- Sabrina, you can use magic.

You could have used magic
to bring the tree in too,

but guess it's too late
to tell you that.

The inflated balloon symbolises

that a couple needs to love
each other with every breath.

Please tell me that's all I have to do.

Pretty much.

And now for the most sacred moment
of the wedding ceremony, the ring.

I don't have it. I didn't bring a ring.

That's the ring.

The father of the bride will now wrestle
the father of the groom

for the right of his daughter
to marry his son.

Okay, now the wedding's
just getting weird.

- Don't worry, you can take him.
- Me?

You're my second, and I'm protected
by the Humane Society.

Sabrina, please fight for me.

If you don't win, I can't marry Laird.

And I just can't imagine life
without Laird.

[SOBBING]

But you can imagine life
without me?

What's up, Kinkle?

As soon as Sabrina gets in,
I'm gonna have the talk with her.

Really?
I mean, well, good luck, man.

There goes another dog
who's about to shed his leash.

According to my sources,
the breakup is imminent.

If I understand my dog analogies.

Thanks for the info.

Now why don't you
get back to work?

That's code for:
Why don't you get back to work?

Ladies and gentlemen.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

In this corner,
weighting pounds,

the father of the groom,
Xavier "The Avenger" Prescott.

[LOUDER CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

This part of weddings
always gets me.

And in this corner, at ,

Sabrina
"Hasn't Got a Nickname" Spellman.

[CHEERS AND BOOS]

- What do I do?
- Go for his weak point.

Which is where?

[SABRINA SCREAMS
THEN GRUNTS]

[SCREAMS]

Don't let him pin you
or the match is over.

[CHEERS AND BOOS]

Go, Sabrina. Kick him.

Gouge his eyes.

Really. This is a wedding.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[SABRINA GRUNTS, SCREAMS]

You know, whoever catches
the wrestler gets married next.

Next wedding,
I'm just sending a gift.

Sabrina, your slip is showing.

SALEM:
This isn't right.

I can't just sit here and watch
while poor Annabelle loses her love.

Not to mention
Sabrina getting filleted.

Annabelle, I'm going in the ring.

I'm so glad I spent three hours
doing my hair.

[SALEM WHIMPERING]

SALEM:
Saved by Daniel Boone.

It's Daniel Boone!

Sorry.

SALEM:
No.

[SALEM GRUNTING, WHIMPERING]

One, two, three.

[BELL RINGS]

The winner.

Please stay down.

I'm glad you won.

With my other son, I got b*at up
and I've got gypsies as relatives.

And now for the exchanging
of the ring fingers.

Oh, gross, gross, gross.

You are now part
of each other forever.

I declare you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Finally, a tradition I've heard of.

Aren't you gonna kiss me?

[APPLAUSE]

[SOBBING]
It's beautiful, just beautiful.

Okay, it's all right.

Well, I dropped Sabrina off at work
and sent Leif back to Greenland.

You did send Daniel back,
didn't you?

Hey, it's a rule.

What is that vile odour?

It's possum pie. The real stuff.

- Not with Ritz crackers.
- Ugh!

I think you might have gotten
some glands in there.

There's my pie.

So we already have nicknames?

Thank you, darling. Mm.

Well, I have to send you back,
so I finally picked a date.

How about the th of never?

What are you doing here?

After Harvey talks to Sabrina,

he's gonna need someone around
to pick up the pieces.

After Harvey talks to Sabrina,
you might wanna pick up the pieces.

Check.

If all goes well, you and I
will have nothing more to talk about.

Kinkle.

Good luck, man.

Thanks.

[DISHES CLINK]

- Hey.
- Hey, so, what's ticking, chicken?

I'll never say that again.

Sabrina, I love you.

Really?
Even after "What's ticking, chicken?"

[CHUCKLES]

I bought you this.

A ring?

Harvey, does this mean
what I think it means?

Probably not.

See, I don't wanna get married.
I'm not ready.

Good, neither am I.

You're not?

Of course not, I'm still in high school.
I have my whole life ahead of me.

I'm not ready to have someone
carry a tree down an aisle.

- A tree?
- Yeah, my dad's kind of wooden.

Wait, but I'm confused.

Why did you give me a ring
if you don't wanna marry me?

It's a promise ring.

It's to let you know that someday,
a long time from now,

if we haven't grown apart
or joined some strange religious cult,

only if you want to, of course,
I hope that maybe we will get married.

That's so sweet.

And, Harvey Kinkle, I accept
your proposal to not get married.

What happened?

What happened?

Who knows?

Hey, guys, look what Har--

I swear, no one in this place
even knows I'm alive.

Aunt Hilda, I thought Dan
was going back to Kentucky

of yesteryear.

Don't tell your Aunt Zelda,
but he's gonna stay a while.

Apparently, he wants to court me.
I'm game.

You brought him down here
to embarrass me?

And the house smells like possum.

Are you supposed to be
Davy Crockett?

Fine. I'm Davy freaking Crockett.

That's right, all those guys
in buckskin jackets look the same.

Honey, I think
it might be the coonskin hat.

Oh, they do have a point.

Remember the Alamo.