07x01 - To Go or Not to Go, That Is the Question

[bunniefuu]

Good morning, sweetheart.

Hmm. Mwah.

Good morning, sweetheart.

Uh, it doesn't matter.
How about soft-boiled?

We're running a special

on soft-boiled eggs
this morning.

Or maybe over easy?

Darrin...

I-is something bothering you?

What makes you think that?

Intuition.

Well, as a matter
of fact, there is.

The question is,
should I or shouldn't I?

My intuition could use
a few more facts.

Should you or
shouldn't you what?

How sweet!

Mr. and Mrs. America
at breakfast.

What? Am I
intruding?

Only in the sense that
you're butting in.

Aren't we the terrible tiger
this morning.

Mother, dear.

Hm?

Why don't you go and play...

with the children?

Oh, that's a delicious idea.

Uh, Tabitha. Adam.

Grandmama is here.

What's happened to her?
She's turned into Mary Poppins.

Sweetheart, don't ask questions.
Just relax and enjoy it.

So the minute I heard
we got the Gotham account,

I started blue-skying
some ideas on my own.

Blue...

Blue-skying some ideas
on my own.

Figuring that Larry
would offer me the account,

and I'd be that much ahead.?

Well, I've been waiting

and waiting.

The question is,
do I keep waiting,

or do I just barge
into his office

and demand that
he give it to me?

Well, um, my... My advice
is... Is to wait.

And my advice to you is

don't wait.

Find out what
your mother is up to.

I have a feeling
if she's singing now,

we'll be crying later.

Uh, maybe she's just
turned over a new leaf.

Sure. From poison ivy
to poison oak.

All right.

I-I'll check it out
and call you later.

Bye-bye, sweetheart.
Goodbye.

Mother!

You called me, my darling?

What's it all about, Mother?

How should I know?
I'm not a philosopher.

Oh, this room,

it's lovely.
M-Mother.

The colors, the fabrics,

and the lamps, the rugs.

Oh, it's all you.

Mother, what are you up to?

Your mother just
wants to sit down

and have a nice cup of tea

with her little girl.

Sweet.

And deliver

this very special message

by very special delivery.

That's me.

Uh-oh.

"Samantha,

"you are ordered to appear

"at the witches' convocation

"in Salem, Massachusetts,

"starting when the planet Icarus

"passes between Jupiter
and Pluto,

"and ending when
the High Priestess Hepzibah

"so wills it.

Signed, Endora,
Lord High Chairman."

Lord High Chairman?

I was appointed by
Her Serene Majesty Hepzibah.

Mother, I am not leaving
my husband or my children

- to attend some boring witches' convention.
- B...

Boring? Oh, it's
gonna be a gas.

On the agenda is the appointment

of the new resident
witch of Salem.

We're going to have workshops
on spells and incantations.

And symposiums on
anti-pollution recipes.

- Mother.
- Eh... W-What?

I am not going to
any witches' convention.

And please send my regrets.

If I do...

you may regret it
more than you realize.

Au revoir.

B-but... But... But...

Come in.

Morning, Larry.

I figured it's time
we had a talk

- about the Gotham account.
- Mm.

Aren't they something?
Steel mills in Pittsburgh,

textiles in India,

rubber plantations
in South Africa. Oil...

And to think it all
started with fried chicken.

Makes you want to cry.

It makes me want to talk about
who's gonna handle the account.

Of course, by all means.

It's between Ferguson
and Carmichael.

What's your feeling?

My feeling is I want to handle

the Gotham account myself.

Surely you jest.

I've laid out
some preliminary concepts.

Darrin, you're overworked
as it is.

Not when it comes to something

with as much prestige
as Gotham Industries.

Darrin, listen to
the old silver fox.

Every team has a coach
who calls the signals,

and I'm it for this team.

When the play calls
for you to carry the ball,

I give you the ball.

Not before.

Larry, I want the account,

and I am not interested
in a raise or a bonus...

A raise is out of the question.

I simply cannot afford...

Did you say, "No raise"?

No raise, no bonus.

Darrin, you got the ball.

The pay's the same,
but I don't care.

The prestige involved in...

In representing
Gotham Industries

is like representing...
Oh, I don't know.

Well, have another drink.

Maybe you can think of it.

Oh. Hey, what are you
trying to do?

I'm trying to
help you celebrate.

Well, then you have it.

Well, just a sip.

Sam.

Mm.

I was thirsty.

Okay. Out with it.

Uh, out...
Out with what?

Out with whatever it is
you're not outing with.

Well...

Let me help get you started.

It has something to do
with your mother,

and why she was all sugar
and no spice this morning.

Only indirectly.

I-I mean, if we're going
to be perfectly fair,

she may be Lord High Chairman,

but she still has to take orders

from the High Priestess
Hepzibah.

I-I'm not sure I want to hear
the rest of it.

Maybe you'd like to read it.

They've gotta be kidding.

Well, o-of course, I said no.

But Mother said,
"Before you make up your mind,

why don't you discuss it
with Durwood...?"

Uh, "Darrin."

So that's why she put on

the Miss Goody-Two-Shoes act.

Oh, I'd like to give her
a piece of my mind.

Make it a small piece.

You have very little to spare.

Mother, this is
a private discussion.

I am sure that
Darrin can do without

your interruptions
and your insults.

How can you let this
mortal mistake alienate you

from your grand
and glorious heritage?

Some heritage.

Giving hotfoots to the rest
of the world.

Bigot.

What is that supposed to mean?

It means "a man
who is prejudiced

against those who do not think
or behave as he does."

You're so right, Endora. Hm.

I don't like the way you think.

And as for your behavior,

you've set mother-in-lawhood
back a hundred years.

Uh, I've had it
with you, Endora.

You've changed me into a horse,
a mule, a monkey...

Enough.
I admit it.

That I've failed to find
your true character.

You're not noble enough

- to be a horse.
- That's cute.

You're too stubborn
to be a mule.

- That's nice.
- And you don't have nearly

the sense of humor of a monkey.

Oh, she's a riot.

- What you really are...
- Mother.

Is a toad.

Oh.

Uh, Mother?

Mother, you put Darrin
back the way you found him.

Of course, dear.

When he comes to his senses.

- What?
- But that may...

Oh.

Sweetheart.

When are you going to learn

not to be like that with Mother?

Well, I must say, for a toad,

you're beautiful.

Hm. Your lips are cold.

Oh. You poor
thing.

Are you comfortable, sweetheart?

Well, um, I don't blame you
for being upset.

But it was a teensy bit
insensitive of you

to att*ck all witches.

Well... How is it going
to help matters

to give Mother a dose of warts?

Well, if you insist
on being stubborn,

I can turn myself into a toad,

the kids into polliwogs,

and the four of us can
live happily ever after

on a nice, clean lily pad,

having a few bugs for dinner.

It doesn't appeal to you, huh?

Well, there is an alternative.

We could give in.

I'm proud of you, sweetheart.

All right, Mother.
You win.

I'll go to Salem.
Now undo your thing.

Oh.

Mother. I don't think
that's very ni...

Nice.

There. You're
as good as new.

Well, then how come I've got

this hankering for flies?

Mm.

Darn it, I missed him.

Darrin, don't kid around.

I just wanted you to know
that I have a sense of humor.

Even about being
turned into a toad.

I just hope Larry has
a sense of humor

about my asking for a vacation.

Vacation?

Well, you didn't think I'd
let you go to Salem alone?

Well, n-no. No, of course not.

But... But you said
that you just talked Larry

into giving you that account.

Well, the same talent
that talked him into it

will talk him out of it.

But you said that account

was the biggest thing
that ever happened to you.

Wrong. You're
the biggest thing

that ever happened to me.

I'll handle Larry.
Don't you worry about it.

That's not what
I'm worried about.

Come in.

Good morning.

And what a morning
it's going to be.

And afternoon.
And evening.

At 10:00, you meet
with Art and Copy.

At lunch, you have a meeting

with Gotham's
public relations people.

- In the afternoon...
- Larry, can I just say...?

Oh, you don't have to
thank me. You deserve it.

Well, maybe I don't deserve it

as much as Ferguson
and Carmichael.

There's no room in the business
world for saints,

so take off your halo
and get to work.

Oh, let me put it another way.

I could use a little vacation.

Come July, you'll have one.

I may not be tired in July.
I-I'm tired right now.

What are you trying to tell me?

Uh, I'm trying to tell you

that I haven't had
a vacation in four years.

I don't care if you haven't had

a vacation in 400 years.

Yesterday, you practically
bludgeoned me

to give you the Gotham account.

And now you want to blow town?

Uh, I know it sounds
a little unreasonable.

The word is "outrageous."

Oh, I'm only suggesting
a postponement

of two or three weeks.

I've already promised
Gotham that...

Wait a minute.
I've got an idea.

Gotham has executive offices

in every major capital
of the world.

London, Paris, Rome, Copenhagen.

I could send you
around the world

and call it research in-depth.

Uh, that's not exactly
what we had in mind.

They also have offices
in Turkey, Spain, Australia.

What Sam and I had in mind
was Salem, Massachusetts.

Salem, Massachusetts?

When I've just offered you
London, Rome, Paris?

I hate to be stubborn
about it, Larry,

but we kind of have
our hearts set on Salem.

See, Sam has relatives there,

and the weather is
beautiful this time of year.

And they make
a great clam chowder.

That's much too
drab for the reception.

Why don't we hop over
to Paris this afternoon...

I am not speaking
to you, Mother.

Now what have I done?

You changed my husband
into a toad.

But I turned him back.

Don't I get points for that?

Oh. You've become

much too sensitive
about Durwood.

I think separate vacations

will be healthy
for the both of you.

There are not going to be
separate vacations.

When you go to Salem.

When Darrin and I go to Salem.

Ten, nine, eight...

What are you doing?

It's called a countdown.

Depending on
the atmospheric continuum,

the news should reach
the council just about...

Now.

Hepzibah's coming.

- Who is Hepzibah?
- Oh.

Darrin, that's like asking,

"Who is Julius Caesar?"

Well, I'm emperor
in this castle,

- so just cool it.
- Darrin, listen to me.

She's a very powerful woman.

A-a-and she can be, well,

y-you know, kind of weird.

Yeah, well, that
doesn't bother me.

I took basic training
in weird from your mother.

Well, my mother is
an angel compared to her.

Welcome to our humble
abode, Your Majesty.

We are touched by your poverty.

Well, uh... Uh, begging
Your Grace's pardon,

uh, but we are not poor.

May I present
my husband, Darrin?

Bow.

Bow? I'll thank her
to put our furniture back.

Please. Bow.

You may advance to our presence.

Firm turn.

We would estimate 17 hands high.

Not a bad specimen for a mortal.

At three furlongs,
I'm unbeatable.

We are not amused.

No jokes, sweetheart.

- Samantha?
- Y-y-yes, ma'am?

You will explain to us
the meaning of your behavior.

Well, I-I don't see why there
should be any confusion.

We are not confused.
We are appalled.

How dare you suggest

a heretic attend
the Holy Councils.

Oh, you've got it all wrong.

Wrong, you say?!

We are never wrong
about anything.

W-What he meant to say was that

he had no intention of

attending the convention.

Even...

Even if I were
involved... Invited.

Samantha.

Yes, ma'am.

We have always had a soft spot

in our royal heart for you.

Because of this,

we have sometimes
looked the other way

when your behavior
has been less than witchlike.

With all due respect,
Your Grace,

I will go to Salem

only if my husband is
permitted to go with me.

If I may say a word...

If you say a word,
it may be your last.

Shh.

We are very upset.

For your own protection,

I suggest you disappear
for the time being.

- Sam, where are you?
- Here.

Where "here"?

Uh, just a minute, sweetheart.

- Do you see me now?
- Yes.

Just hold it right there.

- Where are you going?
- Maybe I can't be seen,

but believe me,
I'm going to be heard.

- Just be careful, sweetheart.
- Don't worry.

I'm merely going to
tell that old bat

- what I think of her.
- Uh-oh.

Endora!

O Benevolent Majesty.

O Supreme Supremacy.

O Mother of Us All.

"Mother of Us All?"

We are not her mother.

You are.
And a fine mess

you've made of it, we must say.

You promised us
this marriage would not last.

I'm still working on it,
Your Highness.

I sent him back in time...

I turned him into an old toad,

a middle-aged goat,
a baby python.

And he withstood the pressure?

He loves my daughter.

Perhaps there is more to the lad

than meets the eye.

Retire.

I thought I sent you
to your room.

Now, let's get
something straight, Hepzibah.

This is my home, and
you're an unwelcome guest.

However, if you behave
in a respectable manner,

I'm willing to tolerate
your presence.

Sweetheart, if you
love me, you'll...

Silence!

Let us hear what
he has to say, Samantha.

Through the years, Hepzibah,

I've taken a lot of guff
from you witches.

But there is a limit.

And believe me,
we've reached it.

If I give in on this,
I'll be surrendering

the right to express myself
in my own house.

Perhaps your young man

should be seen as well as heard.

Thank you, Hepzibah.
I've had my say.

Uh, Y-Your Majesty.

You must admit
that Darrin is a mortal

with a great deal of courage.

He is a mortal
with a great big mouth.

And it is going to get him
into great big trouble.

But he does love you, Samantha.

And anyone who
loves you that much

can't be all bad.

There must be some
little quality.

Some basic attraction.

Whatever it is, it eludes us.

However, we have
considered the matter,

and in our supreme benevolence,

we have decided
to withhold decision

as to whether this marriage
should be dissolved.

Since this is the first
and only mixed marriage

of witch to commoner,

it requires a great deal
of study.

So, as overburdened as we are
with affairs of state,

we will reside in this house
for one week

to observe

this most unusual union.

Now you may say "thank you."

Say it!

Say it. Please
say it.

Thank you.

Samantha.

Our home is honored
by your presence.

Now, that's good manners.

Ooh. Caesar and Cleopatra

are ready for their din-din.

They prefer zebra meat.

I think Hepzibah takes
sugar with her tea.

Good. I hope she gets
a cavity in her upper molar

that goes straight through
to her sick brain.

Darrin, if you have
to blow your stack,

will you do it
a bit more quietly?

"Zebra meat."

I'm sorry, Your Highness,

but the supermarket
was all out of it.

Well... Caesar
and Cleopatra

will just have to develop
a taste for leg of lamb.

But that's our dinner.

We'll go out for dinner.

And for breakfast,
and for sleeping.

I'm not gonna let her turn
my house into a laboratory,

with me as the prize guinea pig.

Sweetheart, there's nothing
we can do about it,

so you might as well
relax and...

Enjoy it?

Tolerate it.

Tolerate her telling me

whether our marriage

will be dissolved or not?

Sweetheart, when you married me,

you married some of my problems.

Well, one of them just moved in.

So, uh, let's just make
the best of it. Okay?

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Here.

Hm.

Don't get your fingers
in the way.

Well, you don't expect us
to live in a hovel, do you?

Sam.

Well...

The fate of Samantha's
marriage hangs in the balance

until Hepzibah makes
her royal decision,

next week on Bewitched.