07x03 - The Salem Saga

[bunniefuu]

Oh, I can't imagine
what's keeping Esmeralda.

Sam, the cab's here.

Uh, yes, sweetheart.

We'll just be a second.

Mommy, will you
bring me a souvenir

from the witches' convention?

Certainly, sweetheart.

And I want you to promise
to be on your best behavior

for Esmeralda.

If she ever gets here.

Mother, I appreciate
your staying till she arrives,

but if you're going to
grumble, never mind.

Why can't you wait,

and the three of us can
fly up to Salem together?

Because Darrin happens
to be old-fashioned.

He likes to do his
flying in an airplane.

Sam?

Oh, if it isn't the
voice of the turtle.

Mother.

Tabitha... I want you
to help Esmeralda

take good care of
your baby brother.

I will, Mommy. Hear that, Adam?

You better mind me.

Bye-bye, sweetheart. Hey.

Hey there, big fella. Hey.

Kiss Mama goodbye. That's a boy.

Oh, yeah. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye, darling.

See you in Salem. Yes.

We'd better hurry, honey.

Well, if you're in such
a hurry, Durwood,

why don't you wait a while,

and we'll fly up,
uh, witches' style?

I'm not in that much
of a hurry, thank you.

Mommy, why can't I go

to the witches' convention?

Because it's only
for grown-up witches.

Uh, the next convention's

being held in about
a hundred years.

Ask me then.

I-it's a game we play.

She's our little witch.

Oh, sure. Sure, I understand.

I got two little witches
of my own, 5 and 7.

And bye-bye again.
Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Oh. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye.

Take care of Adam. Bye, Mother.

Hope Esmeralda's gotten
to the house by now.

Yeah. I really don't
trust your mother.

What am I saying? I don't
trust Esmeralda either.

Heh-heh. Oh, come
on, sweetheart.

You know she'll be fine.

If she ever gets there. Hm-hm.

Ooh.

What's the matter?

Um... Uh, l-look who
just came aboard.

Oh.

Sam, get her off of there.

- Miss?
- Yes?

Well... Could I have a
glass of water, please?

Certainly.

Elsie, come... Come here, quick.

What's the matter?

You won't believe this,

but there's a lady
sitting out on the wing.

You're right. I
don't believe it.

Mother, that was dirty
pool, and you know it.

I just wanted you to know
that Esmeralda arrived,

and I didn't want you to worry.

Elsie, now there's two of them

sitting out there on that wing.

Oh, wow. You must
have had some night.

Mother, I refuse to argue
with you at 30,000 feet.

I-I'll see you in Salem.

Now, if your mother
would be so kind

as to lower her flaps
and get off of there.

I know it sounds crazy,
but please come take a look.

Come on, please. Come on.

Please.

Mm?

I believe you have my seat.

Oh, I think there's
been some mistake.

There has, and you just made it.

Mother, that was outrageous.

You're right.

In my day,

a gentleman automatically
gave his seat to a lady.

Endora, do you ever think
of anyone but yourself?

What's gonna happen
when that poor guy

doesn't arrive in Boston?

For your information, dum-dum,

he has arrived.

He's just a little
ahead of schedule.

Well?

What time did Flight 107 arrive?

Flight 107?

It's just now arriving, sir.

That's what I was afraid of.

Lovely flight, wasn't it?

Tsk.

Must your mother ride

on the outside of everything?

Can't she sit in the car
like a normal human be...

Pardon me. I lost my head.

Darrin, try to understand.

That's as close as
Mother can get to flying

and still be riding.

Just be patient.

Oh, after we check
in at the hotel,

we're gonna drive around
Salem and see the sights.

You wanna come? Whatever for?

We saw those sights
hundreds of years ago.

Remember?

Let's face it, Endora,

hundreds of years ago,
you were one of the sights.

I told you it was a
mistake to let him come.

Stop the car. Stop the car.

Look.

That's disgraceful.

They're all over town.

They're just for the tourists.

Not for these tourists.

And they're no
longer all over town.

Oh, Mother.

Did she have to do that?

Now, sweetheart.

Witches have feelings too.

How would you like to be
thought of as an ugly old crow?

And it's a misconception.

I don't know about that.

Darrin!

Hey, isn't that the
witch house over there?

Isn't this the place where
they held the witch trials?

Hm. One of them.
Uh, let's drive on.

Well, as long as we're here,
wouldn't you like to go in?

Darrin. That's like
asking Napoleon

if he'd like to
revisit Waterloo.

What Durwood lacks in couth,
he makes up in ignorance.

Sweetheart. There
were no real witches

involved in the witch trials.

It was only mortal
prejudice and hysteria.

Characteristics
which you possess

in spades, dum-dum.

Remember, darling,

the convocation starts
promptly at midnight.

Endora...

One thing I can
say for your mother:

She's a real mother-in-law.

Witches.

Before we begin our tour,

I must ask you not to touch

any of the objects in the house.

They're all very valuable,

and many of them
cannot be replaced.

Please try to stay together
and do not wander off,

as there is another
tour waiting to start

as soon as we leave the kitchen.

This is a bedwarmer
of the period.

Hot stones or coals
were placed in it,

and the bedwarmer was then
passed between the sheets

to warm them...
and then removed.

Over here...

there's a colonial
pressing iron,

which was heated
in the same way.

As you can see...

the kitchen fireplace served as

a counterpart to
the modern oven.

The bread oven is

this, uh, small
opening to the left.

And for general cooking,

all the pots and kettles were...

Uh, were hung directly
over the fireplace.

Now, if you will all

please step to this
side of the room.

This is a spinning
wheel of the period.

Materials used for clothing,

table covers, bed
linens, and so forth,

were all woven
by hand from flax,

which was grown on the land.

Now, over here,
you will see a...

What are you doing with that?

Well, i-it looked like it was

going to fall, so I just...

Apparently, I did not
make myself clear.

It is absolutely forbidden

to touch any of the
objects in the house.

And that applies to everyone.

Now, if you will all
please follow me

into the living room.

You ought to know
better than to pick that up.

I didn't pick it up.
It picked me up.

What?

Come on.

This is the living room of
the House of Seven Gables,

which Nathaniel Hawthorne
visited many times.

He learned the
history of the house,

and this inspired him eventually

to write his famous novel,

The House of the Seven Gables.

If you will step to the window,

you will see out in the...

I don't know who you
are or what you are,

but I wish you'd
stop bugging me,

before you get me
into serious trou...

I used to have one just
like it at the rest home.

Shh.

Stay there.

The chair was made by...

Later, the name was changed...

This fine old example of
a 17th-century dwelling,

built in 1668 by John...

in the house,

all of them prominent
Salem citizens.

Gables and lean-to of the house.

Sam, what the
devil are you doing?

It won't let me pass.

What is it?

Well, how should I know?

He just won't let me pass.

"He?"

Well, I-I'm not sure.
It might be a she.

Sam.

Well?

And just what do you
think you're doing?

Me? Nothing.

This thing has been
annoying my wife.

This is the last time
I'm going to warn you.

If you touch another
object in the house,

I'll have to ask you to leave.

This concludes our tour.

I hope you have
enjoyed your visit

to the House of
the Seven Gables.

Thank you for visiting us.

Please come again soon.

Thank you for visiting us.
Please come again soon.

Thank you...

Uh, thank you. Goodbye.

Thank you very much. Goodbye.

Miss Ferndale, the
bedwarmer. It's gone.

Oh, no.

And I bet I know who stole it.

That crazy lady
that was talking to it.

Don't worry, Mildred.

I've memorized
their license number.

Just because I'm a witch

doesn't mean I know everything.

I'm not asking you
to explain everything.

I just wanna know
why a bedwarmer

would suddenly start chasing you

around the house.

It is obviously no
ordinary bedwarmer.

No kidding.

Uh, will you stop
being so sarcastic?

I will if you'll stop
being so evasive.

Are you implying that
I'm hiding something?

It wouldn't be the first time.

What's that supposed to mean?

If the voodoo fits, wear it.

Oh!

Well...

Now we're going to
descend to that, are we?

I don't know to what
you are referring.

Just don't try it again.

Sam, you do that once more,

and I swear I will...

Darrin, look. It followed us.

You little sneak.

What are you doing back...?

And I say we are not
going to take it back

to the antique store.

I like it, and I'm
going to keep it.

Uh, okay. Okay.

It seems to be
prejudiced against you.

Bigot.

Bigot?

Mother? Mother?

What do you need her for?

Just zap this thing
back where it belongs.

Darrin, this is not a "thing."

That must be
obvious even to you.

I resent that.

And what do you mean?

This is a "somebody."

There is a person being held
prisoner in this bedwarmer.

And since it dates
back to old Salem,

that's probably
when it happened.

Uh, but I was just
a child at the time.

And I was just a child bride.

Oh, really, Samantha.

I should think you'd know better

than to bother me
at a time like this.

I haven't even
drawn up the agenda

for tonight's meeting.

Well, I-I'm very sorry, Mother,

but, um, it's about
this bedwarmer. Oh?

It practically att*cked me

in the House of Seven Gables.

Ha-ha. It's much more attractive

than that bedwarmer.

Endora...

you have all the
charm of a dentist's drill.

Well, a-anyway, uh,

when we left the
House of Seven Gables,

it followed me.

Now... Uh, what do
you think we should do?

I think we ought to take
it right back and forget it.

Ow!

Well, whoever he is,

he certainly has
a sense of humor.

I was right. I-it's a he.

You get off my wife's lap.

Boy, are you are asking
for a punch in the mouth.

Really.

He's obviously left over

from the time of
the witch hunts.

He's probably a warlock

whose powers
weren't too effective,

and somebody changed him

into an inanimate object

to escape detection.

He seems to be saying
you're right. Mm-hm.

Either that or he's got a chill.

Do you realize how much
trouble we can get into

if we're found with this bedpan?

Darrin.

This is a bedwarmer.

Oh.

Sorry, fella.

There's nothing
we can do right now,

but at tonight's meeting,

there's bound to be somebody

who remembers the incident,

and we'll find the proper spell.

See you at the meeting
tonight, darling. Ta.

Well, in the meantime,
I'd better hide this...

It. Him.

Nobody likes a
hostile bedwarmer.

That's the license
number, all right.

That's the car. I'm positive.

Perhaps you'd better come
upstairs with us, Miss Ferndale,

and help us make
the identification.

Oh, I'd be glad to, officer.

As far as I'm concerned,

people who go around
stealing museum pieces

are the lowest
form of criminals.

I just hope we're in time

to recover the bedwarmer.

I'm sure we will be.

Hi, fellas. Uh, what's all
this about a bedwarmer?

Hi, Mr. Potter. Nothing
you'd be interested in.

Seen a couple going in
the hotel with a bedwarmer.

Then they still have it.

Maybe. Maybe not.

That fellow was sure
sore at that bedwarmer.

Sore, Mr. Potter? Yeah.

It kept banging him on the head.

Oh, did it? Well,
thanks for telling us.

Hey, wait a minute.

I didn't tell you
about the witch's sign.

What about it?

They changed the
old witch on the sign

to a pretty young witch.

Oh, that's wonderful.

I've been trying to
get the town council

to do that for years.

Town council didn't do it.

It was them witches.

They changed the
signs all over the place.

What witches?

Same ones that have
got the bedwarmer.

Uh, they drove by while I was

sitting there drinking my lunch.

They "drove by," eh?

And all of a sudden,

one of 'em
disappeared. Just like:

And then there was two.

Well, I'll tell you
what, Mr. Potter.

You stop hitting
that sarsaparilla,

and I guarantee you
won't see any more witches.

Miss Ferndale.

Uh, look, Mr. Potter, why
don't you stand over here

and hold up the building?

And we'll be back for
you in a minute, okay?

All I know is, I don't
wanna get caught with...

Excuse the expression
a hot bedwarmer.

So will you please zap
it back where it belongs?

Darrin, this is a warlock
who has been transformed.

Now, don't you think I have a
moral obligation to help him?

I think you have
a moral obligation

to see that we stay
out of jail on the first day

of what I laughingly
refer to as a vacation.

Ow!

Sam, if you don't
get rid of that,

I will... with an axe.

Who is it?

Open up. Police.

Sam, honey, quick.
Zap it out of here.

What's the matter?

He doesn't want to go.

Well, this is no time
to give him a choice.

Darrin, there is a
warlock in there.

Now, if he refuses to leave,
my witchcraft won't work.

You witches have
the dumbest rules.

And at the dumbest times.

Open up in there.

I'd better hide it.

Boy, are you stubborn.

Uh, c-c-coming.

Uh, Sam... before I let them in,

uh, maybe you'd
better disappear.

Well, I mean, why should

we both risk
getting into trouble?

Absolutely not.

"For better, for
worse," remember?

"In sickness or in
health, till jail do us part."

Open up, please!

Darrin faces the
wrath of Salem justice,

and Samantha's hot
bedwarmer comes to life,

next week on Bewitched.