07x09 - Samantha's Pet Warlock

[bunniefuu]

[♪]

Oh. Morning,
sweetheart.

What time did you finally
come to bed last night?

Around 3:30,
I guess.

Right after I read,
The Encyclopedia of Dogs...

uh, Dogs Through History,

The Care and Feeding
of Your Dog,

and Lassie, Come Home.

You read all those, huh?

Wow.

Or, uh, should I say
"bow-wow"?

[GIGGLES]

Ha-ha. Just a little
canine quickie.

Actually, I'm very impressed.

I guess I am something
of an instant dog expert.

Did you know there are over

130 different kinds of dogs?

Really?

Is that counting you, Dogwood?

My oatmeal just curdled.

I wonder why.

I'm sorry, Durwood,
but I expected you

to be at the office,
scratching out a living.

It's after 11, you know.

Time for the rats
to be in the race.

Sam...

I'm declaring this backyard
a disaster area.

Will you please
remove the disaster?

Durwood, let me say to you

what I said to Columbus
on his first voyage.

Get lost.

Gladly.

[♪]

Bye, sweetheart.

Samantha, my dearest.
Mm-hm?

You'll never, never guess...
[DOOR CLOSES]

Who I ran into this morning.

The front four of
the Kansas City Chiefs?

Oh, be serious.

It was Ashley Flynn.

Mother...

uh, how long did you
have to search before you,

quote, "ran into Ashley"?

It was a complete accident.

And it was also
a complete delight.

Ashley's as charming as ever.

Mm-hm.

Why, thank you, Endora.

[CHUCKLES]

Samantha...

you're more beautiful than ever.

The only one that got away. Uh.

I didn't get away, Ashley.

I was never hooked.

A-and what are you
doing here?

I swooped down on gossamer wings
to rescue my lovely bird

from this domestic cage.

I don't need any rescuing.

But you do.

You're right.

I'll leave you two
young people alone.

Oh, uh, M-Mother,
don't go anywhere.

Ta-ta.

Mother!
Samantha...

Uh...

why don't you let me
take you away

from this grubby
mortal existence?

If I tell you, will you leave?

Perhaps.

Because I think
you're obnoxious.

One of those
love-hate things, huh?

It's okay. I...

I'm crazy about
complex relationships.

Well, I'm not.

[♪]

Oh.

I'd forgotten how lovely you are.
[SIGHS]

I'd forgotten how pushy you are.

Samantha, even a pushy
warlock like me

can take that kind of hint.

I'll leave.

Good idea.

This, uh,
husband of yours, he...

He must be something
quite special for a mortal.

I'd like to meet him sometime.

I doubt it. You move
in different circles.

Well... ciao.

[SNAPS]

So... the square and I
move in different circles.

Hm.

We'll see what kind
of circles he moves in.

[NARRATOR READING
ON-SCREEN TEXT]

[♪]

[♪]

I believe the basset hound
originated in France,

Mr. Gibbons,
in the 17th century.

Right again, Stephens.
Well, for heaven's sake,

where did you learn
so much about dogs?

Dogs. That's
all Darrin

ever thinks or talks about.
Uh-huh.

That's the kind of
in-depth product knowledge

you'll be getting at
McMann and Tate, Mr. Gibbons.

Ah, very impressive.

But I'm interested
not only in knowledge

from an ad agency,

but also in character.

Well, I can vouch for that.

Darrin is the kind of man...

Most people judge a man

by the company he keeps.

I judge a man
by the dog he keeps.

[♪]

Really?

Yes. Now, 'course
just a guess, Tate,

but I would say that your dog

has a lot of, oh,
nervous energy.

Probably a large
white poodle, hm?

Actually, I don't have a dog.

[♪]

You don't have a dog?

I can't.

I live in an apartment house
that doesn't allow pets.

But I'm like a second father

to Darrin's dog.
[BOTH LAUGH]

My dog?
Oh, that's right.

What kind of a dog is it?

Beagle.
Sheepdog.

You said... sheepdog,

and you said beagle.

Uh, which one is it?

Well, you know, it's, uh,

kind of a mixture.
Heh-heh.

I'll say. Well, does it have
long hair or short hair?

Long.
Short.

Long.
Short.

Are you two talking
about the same dog?

[CHUCKLES]

Certainly.
Heh.

It has short hair in the front

and long hair in the back.

Stephens, that is exactly

the kind of dog I would have
guessed you had.

It... It's sort of, uh,
brown all over,

e-except, uh, it has
a white spot around one eye

and a black spot
around the other eye.

Plus, I-it's got
kind of a...

goatee.

[LAUGHS]

No kidding?
When can I see it?

See it?

But I thought you were
flying back home today.

I am, but my plane
doesn't leave until midnight.

I've got plenty of time
later on.

Oh, but I live w-way out
in, uh, W-Westport, Mr. Gibbons.

It's a terrible drive.

Anyway, when you've seen
one mutt, you've seen them all.

You, uh...

You fellows aren't
putting me on, are you? I...

There is a dog?

Of course there's a dog.

And you're going to see it...

if you really want to.

I want to.

LARRY:
Fine. Fine.

Then, uh, why don't
you meet me here,

say, around, uh, 5:00?

We'll drive out
to Stephens' and, uh...

see the dog.

And have cocktails,
right, Darrin?

Right. I'm sure
we'll all be ready

for a drink by then.

Terrific.
A sheepdog-beagle.

[LAUGHS]

I can hardly wait.

[♪]

Come on, Darrin.

Let's go down to the pound
and get a dog.

Larry, were you
listening to yourself

when you described my dog?

You're not gonna find one
like that ever, anyplace.

Forget it.
Look, Darrin,

you can't quit on me now.

This whole thing is
your fault anyway.

My fault?
Sure.

If you were normal and had
a dog like everybody else,

I wouldn't have been forced
to invent one for you.

Oh, that reminds me. Uh,
since when did you and Louise

move out of your house
and into an apartment

that doesn't allow dogs?

Oh, that. Well,
I love dogs,

but I'm allergic to them.

Well, come on.

You're wasting time.

[♪]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[SATISFIED SIGH]

[BARKING]

All right.
You're too old

to be fraternity boys.

What is it, an election bet?

Please, will you just let us

take one look at the dogs?

Okay. But you're
not gonna

find what you described.

I personally check every dog

that comes into this pound.

If there had been a dog
with short hair in the front...

long hair in the back...

a white spot and a black spot...

and a beard...

Where did that dog come from?

Darrin, it's perfect.

You're right.

I don't know how I could have
missed a dog like that.

I wanna thank you for

reuniting man and
his best friend.

Maybe the barking's
getting to me.

Come on, boy. Sam!

Hi, sweetheart.

Oh. Y-you
got a...

dog?

He's a gift from Larry,

to impress Mr. Gibbons,
our dog food client.

Oh. My goodness.
He certainly is

an affectionate
little thing, isn't he?

He seems crazy about you.

Where's Tabitha?

Oh, well, she's at
the movies with Esmeralda.

Oh, it'll be such
a surprise for her.

[GIGGLES]

[DOG WHIMPERS]
Yeah. Yeah.

Are you hungry? You want
something to eat? Oh.

Why, yes. Well, now,
wait a minute. Come on.

I think you've made
a conquest, Sam.

I've never seen a dog
take to anyone that fast.

I have just the thing for you:

Some of Adam's baby food.

Strained calves' liver
and turnips.

You're gonna love it.

[WHINING]

That's funny.

That's the same reaction
I get from Adam.

I'll see if I can find an old
blanket for him to sleep on.

[♪]

Here we go.
Come on.

Come on.
[SNAPPING]

Yum-yum-yum.
Yum-yum.

Here we go.

[WHINING]

Well, m-maybe you'd
like some water.

[MAGIC CHIMES]

[♪]

[GASPS]

Tsk.

Okay.

Who's the wise witch in the dog suit?
[WHINING]

Mother? Uncle Arthur?

Don't give me any of
your dog tricks.

Whoever is in there
better identify themselves.

[WHINING]

Eww.

A-and stop
all that kissing.

That doesn't fool me one...

[GASPS]

Ashley!

Ashley, it's you!

I know you're in there, Ashley.

Under all that
funny-looking dog

is a rotten warlock.

[BARKS]

What do you mean,
you were curious?

That's no reason to go down
to Darrin's office

and spy on him.

[BARKS]

He is?

Oh, uh... Uh,
hi, sweetheart.

Sam.
Hm?

What's going on here?

Darrin...

that is no ordinary dog.

Well, that is certainly obvious.

A-and you are
entitled to the truth.

He's an old friend.

That dog is an old friend?

SAMANTHA:
That's right.

Would you mind introducing me
to your old friend?

Uh, certainly.

Ashley...

this is Darrin.

How do you do, Ashley?

Sam, I feel ridiculous.

So do I.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Sam, who is this?

Uh, this is Ashley.

Should I introduce you again?

No. Uh, just tell me
what he's doing here.

Now, look, pal.

There's nothing
to get excited about.

I was just passing by,
and I wanted to meet

the paragon of virtue
who finally captured Samantha.

I see.

But why as a dog?

W-well, uh, when I dropped
down to your office,

I found you in that, uh, little
charade with your client.

You needed a dog.

And I thought I'd help out.

Well, you can't argue
with that, sweetheart.

Thanks, Ashley,
for helping me out.

Now, would you mind helping
yourself out of my life?

[PHONE RINGING]

I'll get that.
You take care of this.

[♪]

Hello?

Darrin. Mr. Gibbons
is waiting for me

in the reception room.

We'll be leaving in a minute.

Be sure to have plenty

of the client's product
on hand, get it?

Uh, y-you'd better
not come, Larry.

The... The dog
isn't here.

Where is he?

He, uh, ran away.

Well, search the neighborhood.

That dog can't be hard to spot.

Now, find that dog.

[♪]

Are you still here? Oh.

Who was that on the phone?
Larry.

He's on his way over
with the client

to see that cute dog
your warlock used to be.

Well, uh, there's only
one solution to this.

He wanted to be a dog.

Ha-ha. Well, you got
your wish.

[BARKING]

Oh, hush, Ashley.

You invaded this house as a dog,

and you stuck your wet,
black nose into everything.

Now, you're just
gonna stay a dog

until things get
straightened out.

[BARKS]

You mean, he'll stay that way?

Yeah, until I change him back.

Besides, he owes us this.

You understand,
don't you, Ashley?

[WHINING]

Good. Oh, Sam,

I've got to run to the market

and pick up a case
of Gibbons Dog Burgers.

I'll be right back.

H-how come you can do that
to a warlock?

I caught him by surprise.

Hm.

[♪]

[WHINING]

Stop that.

[♪]

Heh. Hi,
Mrs. Stephens.

Hello,
Mrs. Kravitz.

I-I... I was
wondering if

I could borrow some, um,

uh, paprika.

Oh, of course.

Uh, I-I see you have
a new doggy.

He, uh...

sure is...

interesting-looking.

Interesting?

Uh, well, maybe that's
the wrong word.

Mrs. Stephens, I hope
you don't mind,

but that dog is ugly.

[BARKING]

[GROWLING]

[SCREAMING]

[BARKS]

Take it easy, Ashley.

[BARKS]

No. I am not
going to

let you out of this house.

[♪]

You wouldn't.

You would!

Okay. You win.

I'll let you out.

But you have to promise
not to bite her.

Nod your head.

A-and I have your word
you won't run away.

Okay. Come on.

[♪]

Remember, you promised.

[BARKING]

[MAGIC CHIMES]

Yes?
[GROWLS]

[SCREAMS]

Abner! Abner!
[BARKING]

It's that ferocious
Stephens dog!

You call this ferocious?
I think he's kind of cute.

Here, poochy.
Come on.

Cute? He's the ugliest
dog I've ever seen.

[♪]

Oh. You come back here!

You come back!

Abner! Abner,
help!

The... The dog.

He's turned into a giant!

Giant, huh?
Is he jolly and green?

Hurry up!

[BARKS]

That's a giant?

[BARKS]

I know what I saw!

And I know what I'm
gonna get: Your medicine.

[♪]

[GASPS]

Abner!

Now it's a beagle!

Let me know when it
becomes Rin Tin Tin.

He's my favorite.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, uh, Mrs. Kravitz,
I'm sorry to bother you.

But I was wondering...

Oh.

There you are, you naughty dog.

Mrs. Stephens,
first, your dog came in,

Then it was a sheepdog.

Then your dog.
Then it was a beagle.

My goodness.

It sounds like you've had
a regular dog show over here.

No! They were
all that dog.

[♪]

Okay, Ashley.
Come on.

You got even
with Mrs. Kravitz.

Now, I want you
to stay down here

and behave yourself.

I have to go up
and check on Adam.

[♪]

[CAR APPROACHING]

[CAR APPROACHES]

I had to go out
and get another case

of Gibbons Dog Burgers.

Just can't seem to keep
enough of it in the house.

[LAUGHS]

Ha-ha-ha. Is he back? [COUGHS]

With bells on.

Ashley!

Oh!
Hi.

Uh, hello.

Uh, Mr. Gibbons, may I
present my wife, Samantha.

How do you do?

The pleasure is mine,
Mrs. Stephens.

I've heard so much about you...
Oh.

And even more about
that unusual dog of yours.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Where...
Where is he?

Oh, he... He's
around here somewhere.

Uh, can I get
you gentlemen a drink?

Yes, I am a little parched.
Uh, I'll have...

But first, I want
to see that pooch.

Will you bring him in, Sam?

[DOG HOWLING]

Is that the dog?

I guess so.

Sounds like he's in trouble.

[♪]

[DOG WHIMPERING]

The closet.

[WHIMPERING]

Oh, it's locked.

Stephens, do you always
lock your dog in the closet?

Oh, of course not,
Mr. Gibbons. I-I just...

I... I think
Ashley probably

wandered in there by mistake

and got locked in.

Ashley?

Tate, you certainly
did not exaggerate.

That's a most
unusual-looking dog.

Is he friendly?

Oh, sure. He's
a real pussycat.

Here. Uh... Uh,
nice doggy.

[GROWLS, BARKS]

Tate, are you trying
to get me mauled?

What's wrong with that dog?

Nothing. He's just
a little nervous.

[♪]

[BARKING]

[WHIMPERING]

He acts like you b*at him.

Ashley, you gave me your word.

What did he say?

Well, uh, Darrin is
so close to Ashley,

that he actually talks to him.

And Ashley had better listen.

[BARKING]

Tate, if a man can't get along

with his own dog,

he certainly can't
handle my advertising.

Let's go.
Uh, Mr. Gibbons...

Uh, Mr. Gibbons,
please, uh, don't leave.

Why not?

Uh, b-because...
We...

Because we haven't given Ashley

his Gibbons Dog Burger yet.

Oh, sure. That's what's wrong
with him. He's hungry.

Ha-ha. Well, I guess
that's possible.

Uh, sweetheart, why don't
we go into the kitchen

and open this together?

Oh. Right. Heh.

[♪]

We both like to do it.

What are they gonna do,
play tug of w*r?

I think Ashley is turning
into Benedict Arnold.

But I have a plan.

This should bring Ashley
out of hiding.

Come on, Ashley.

Time for your
Gibbons Dog Burger.

[♪]

Ah. That's more
like it.

[WHIMPERING]

A T-bone steak?

What happened to the dog food?

That's what everyone
will be saying, Mr. Gibbons.

"What happened to dog food?"

And we'll be able to say,
"Gibbons T-Bones."

But people can't afford
steak for dogs.

I-it won't be steak.

It'll be a Gibbons Dog Burger

formed in the shape of a steak,

with a Gibbons Chewy Bone
right in the middle.

Oh, come on, Darrin.
That's ridiculous.

But intriguing.
Right.

A ridiculously intriguing idea.

[WHIMPERING]

Oh. Ho-ho-ho.

What changed him?

Oh, well, that's part of
Darrin's presentation.

You see, we... We have
trained Ashley

to hold back his enthusiasm

until he gets his T-bone.

I'm sold, Stephens.

The only thing I don't
quite understand,

is when you changed
the Gibbons Burger

for the T-bone steak.

You didn't notice that?
Neither did I.

Oh, w-well, that's very
easily explained.

Uh, you see, the, um, hand
being quicker than the eye, we...

We just changed it
before you, uh,

were aware of it.

But actually,
for the commercials,

it'll be done with mirrors.

You understand?

Of course.

That's the way
I figured you did it.

How else?

[♪]

Well, it looks like
I've gained a new product,

and you have gained
a new client, Darrin.

Oh, great, Charlie.

I hope all your presentations

go just as smoothly as this one.

Goodbye, Samantha.

Goodbye, Mr. Gibbons.

Goodbye.
Ha-ha.

It was quite a cliffhanger,

but you pulled it off.

You and Ashley.

Uh, say, Larry.

I noticed you weren't
allergic to this dog.

I would be if I had to
look at him much longer.

[BARKING]

Well, Ashley, every dog
has his day.

A-and you've
had yours, so...

Oh.

[GRUNTS]

Well, that feels better.

It was getting a little
cramped in there.

Uh, would you explain why
you suddenly decided

to be the... The good
little puppy dog?

Uh, well, uh, you and Durwood
out-tricked me

fair and square,

so I decided to come over
to your side.

You're all heart, Ashley.

And the name is Darrin.

Then why does everybody
call you "Durwood"?

Oh. Heh.
Hello, Mother.

What are you doing here?

Well, I just wanted to see

how things were going.

Swimmingly, I hope?

I should say.
Ashley saved the day.

If it hadn't been for him,
Darrin never would've

gotten the account.

You'll double-cross
anyone,

won't you, Ashley?

Certainly.

Let's go somewhere
and have a drink on it.

Delighted.

Come on, Ashley.

[CHUCKLES]

[BOTH SNAP]

Well, sweetheart, no more pooch.

What are we gonna do
with all that dog food?

I know. Why don't
we trade it in

on a muzzle for your mother?

Darrin!

You don't even know her size.

[♪]

[♪]