05x09 - Lost at C

[bunniefuu]

Ugly.

Cheesy.

That is so last year.

Stupid pet catalogue, five bucks for a squeaker-mouse and it’s not even a good fuax-fur.

These people don’t know diddly about cats.

Do they have a section on muzzles?

No, why would a cat need a.

Aren’t you the witty one?

Hello?

Oh Hilda, that is so juicy.

I understand, you’re sequestered and you can’t discuss the case.

Call me the minute you break.

First day on Other Realm jury duty and Hilda’s already on trial and it’s a biggie.

Is it that shady ring of magic-carpet cleaners?

No, the defendant is the Other Realm’s biggest and sleaziest supplier of black-market hot-tubs.

Lou Packard!

You know him?

We’ve broken bread.

Lou taught me all about the world of commerce, how to move merchandise.

Wait a minute.

You two were actually in business together?

If Thailand could talk.

I’ll tell you something, if Lou’s convicted and turned into a feline, he’ll be appalled by the outer-wear in this catalogue.

I mean what cat with any self-respect would be caught dead wearing this?

The joke's on you.

I said a cat with self-respect.

I knew we should have shoved our way up to the front.

Why?

He’s handing out English papers, not Macy Gray tickets.

Exactly.

I kicked butt on that paper, I want to collect my A and slide into the weekend basking in the afterglow of a job well done.

Beats my weekend plans, helping my mother pick out her new toilet seat and recovering from the ‘F’ I’m about to get.

Do you really think you’ve failed?

No, but this way if I did, I won’t be disappointed.

I’m going shopping this weekend too.

The Apocalypse Fest and Parking Lot Sale.

k*ller deals, everything is priced to move.

Miles, you’re up.

Look alive.

Professor Carlin, I don’t mean to lay a guilt trip on you but a bad grade could put a dark cloud over my entire apocalypse weekend.

Bring me back a hat.

I always do, sir.

Professor Carlin, I just want to say what a pleasure it is explore American literature with you.

I mean as Mark Twain once said.

this bites the big one!

Ah yes, Becky Thatcher in Tom Sawyer.

He’s a real potty-mouth.

Sabrina, are you all right?

No, I’m not all right, I got a C!

A C!

Big Deal!

You got a C, it’s not like it’s the first one you’ve ever gotten.

Oh my god, it is.

Roxie, this papers my future.

I mean getting a C is like being told ‘Nice try, now go hose down the Slurpy machine.

Hey, I got a C and I have no intention of hawking big gulps for the rest of my life.

I got a D.

and a giant question mark.

I’m sorry guys, you know how I am about my grades.

Psycho.

Hey, I worked really hard on this paper, I just don’t get what the problem is.

The problem is Carlin.

He doesn’t want to spoil his reputation as the toughest teacher at Adams.

And not to mention he’s a pawn of the establishment.

No connection between Huckleberry Finn and the rise of the m*llitary industrial complex?

Please!

Mystery solved about his grade.

You’re gonna obsess about this aren’t you?

No, obsessing is what Miles does.

I prefer confrontation.

You hate confrontation.

Good point, would you go ask Carlin why he gave me a C?

Fine, I’ll do it.

but you owe me.

Professor Carlin.

Oh, hello Sabrina.

Aargh, I don’t mean to be disrespectful or anything but I just wanted to talk to you about the grade you gave me on the Huck Finn paper.

I think it is completely bogus and totally ridiculous.

I like students who aren’t afraid to express their opinion.

Keep up the good work.

Professor Carlin, this is a well constructed essay, my footnotes were awesome, I triple checked for typo’s, I even included that bonus paragraph ‘Factoids of the mighty Mississippi’

Look Sabrina, the mechanics of your paper were good but your thesis lacked depth, originality and.

and punch.

It was ousting with punch!

If you want to argue that Huckleberry Finn is about hypocrisy in society, I’m all for that but.

but you need specifics to back it up.

Um, how did Huck’s upbringing impact his relationship with Jim as they rode down the river?

Oh, why did I have to say ‘river’?

Still, I don’t think I deserved a ‘C’

Well just argh, work harder on your next assignments and eventually you’ll get that P.

I mean B.

I’m gonna try the third floor.

B?

I want an A!

Hilda, Lou Packard has swindled hundreds of gullible women out of their life savings.

well yes, I’m sure he has a very nice smile.

no, I will not go to your bank and make a withdrawal.

Call me later.

I can’t believe it, Hilda is developing a crush on Lou Packard.

What on earth?

What is all of this?

Salem, what’d you do, rob a Petco?

Petco?

Please, these are all custom designed Salem Saberhagen originals.

‘Anti-tick shampoo with hohoba’?

Zellie, witness the rebirth of animal retail.

My new business!

Cat-Opia!

Furniture.

Apparel.

Cuisine.

Pour le chat a la mode.

For the cat with ice-cream on top?

The cows in accounting came up with that.

Salem, you can’t open a store.

You’re no good with the general public and you have no thumbs.

Not a factor baby-doll, this is strictly an Internet operation catering to the millions of felines with discretionary income.

I hate to burst your bubble, but not many cats know how to work a computer.

Please!

Show me a cat that can’t work a mouse.

I’ve got a much better vibe about this paper, I’m feeling very confident.

Then why did you chew off nine of your fingernails?

I need the fibre.

We’ve got nothing to be nervous about.

I told you guys what Professor Carlin said about supporting our arguments, we all worked very hard on our papers and I’m sure it’ll be reflected in our grades.

But don’t go by me.

I can’t believe this, we did everything he wanted and we all got Cs!

This is awesome!

I sh*t up to average, in a month I could be working the curve.

This is insane!

I mean, I supported my thesis twenty-five different ways.

This paper is filthy with sub-text!

Spellman, when are you gonna' realize?

It doesn’t matter how hard you work for Carlin, a C is the best grade anyone ever gets in his class.

Hilda, I don’t care how dreamy Lou’s eyes are, love notes do not usually contain the words ‘Or else’ Oh honey, I’ve got to go.

Hi Sabrina, how did you do on your English paper?

I got a freaking C, OK!

You’re kidding!

Oh I thought it was a wonderful paper, I loved the way you identified Hawthorn’s symbolic use of colour, Dinsdale’s white, lofty brow, Chillingworth’s black heart and Hestorprin’s scarlet leather.

All it got was Sabrina’s big, fat C!

Maybe I’m just not cut out for college, maybe I should drop out, join a road crew and pick up trash along the highway?

I could meet interesting felons, work outdoors, plus I’m one of the few people who looks really good in orange.

Honey, you’re not picking up trash, you’re going to stay in school and finish your education.

You know, I used to love English, it was always my favourite language but now, I don’t care if I never read another novel as long as I live.

Oh honey, you know I know plenty of tough graders but turning students off to learning really cracks my core.

I’m going to give professor Carlin a piece of my mind.

No, please don’t!

Look, I don’t want Carlin singling me out because I went and cried to my auntie.

I’m not going in as your aunt, I’m going in as an educator, I’ll be professional and discreet.

You know how good I am with people.

Oh Professor, so sorry to hear your wife left you.

She did?

Excuse me, are you Professor Carlin?

Yes I am.

Aargh, I’m afraid I’ve already hired my graduate TA.

Oh, you thought I was a gradu.

aren’t you sweet.

Depends on who’s asking.

And you would be?

Single.

I mean Zelda.

I mean Professor Zelda Spellman.

Hi, Zelda.

I’m Arthur.

Aargh, it’s a pleasure to finally make your acquaintance, I’ve been hearing wonderful things about you.

Really?

They say the quality of the science departments gone up twelve notches since you came aboard.

Oh well, I do have a passion for physics.

I try to use it to inspire my students.

That’s very admirable.

Thank you.

You’re welcome.

So, um.

not that you needed a reason, but argh, what brings you here?

Oh yes, argh, my niece, Sabrina.

I wasn’t supposed to say that.

Oh look, just between us, she’s feeling very frustrated about her Hawthorn paper, which I read and thought was quite good.

It was good.

but not great.

A great paper would have explored Hawthorn’s frequent use of mirrors to reveal the characters inner thoughts and argh, well the emotional tension between them.

I’m surprised that wasn’t obvious to you.

Well, I just skimmed it really.

But the issue is bigger than this one paper.

I’m afraid that by being so tough on your students you’re destroying their morale.

Zelda, I know I’m not the world's easiest teacher but I feel my role is to raise the bar and show these kids that they’re capable of doing better.

That’s what’s going to prepare them for the demands of the real world.

It’s true, it’s very competitive out there.

Oh, things were so much simpler when I went to school.

We went to class during the day, studied at night and fought the Ottoman Empire on the weekends.

Rival football team.

Football fan, are we?

Well, I certainly could be.

So, did you talk to Carlin?

Um, we chatted some.

Well, what did he say?

Oh, this and that.

What this?

What that?

Well he said that if you work harder you’ll get a better grade.

and something about mirrors that I didn’t quite understand.

That’s all you got out of him, that I have to work harder?

That’s the gist of it.

Gotta go.

I have a feeling there’s something you’re not telling me.

Oh, all right, Professor Carlin and I have a date tonight.

A date?

You went in there to bolster student morale and you came out dating the enemy?

Sweetheart!

He’s not S*ddam Hussein, he’s a man of strong convictions trying to get the best out of his students.

I’m convinced that if you really apply yourself your hard work will pay off.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, thanks for nothing aunt, Sell-Out!

This is incredible!

I can’t believe I got an A on the Hemingway paper.

That’s the first A Professor Carlin has given out this decade.

You know, I didn’t believe it but I guess it’s true.

If you really apply yourself, your hard work will be rewarded.

So, what time are you picking me up for our date tonight?

The sooner the better.

Looks like you’re not the only one applying herself.

What does that mean?

Your aunt's doing all the work and you’re the one getting rewarded.

Congratulations on your A.

Stop staring at me!

I can’t help it, I never thought that you would be the one to rip apart the moral fabric of academia.

What can I say, I’m good with my hands.

For the hundredth time, my A had nothing to do with my aunt dating Professor Carlin!

Miles, would you just lay off of her.

We should admire Sabrina.

Thank you, Roxie.

She was just using her wits and her aunt's body to get the grade she couldn’t earn on her own.

I did earn it!

That A was a huge accomplishment for me!

Of course!

Another milestone in your insatiable quest to climb the ladder of corruption and evil!

Hey, I’m on your side.

Remember me when you reach the top.

Through his juxtaposition of the ravages of w*r to the beauty of the landscape, Hemingway reveals his personal code on a world fraught with cruelty and suffering.

This is a darned good paper.

I earned that A!

or maybe this is an average paper and I earned the eternal contempt of my friends and classmates.

I need another opinion, but where am I gonna find someone who’s impartial and objective with a strong ethical sense?

Greetings, little lady.

May I please speak to the feline of the house?

What are you doing?

Branching out from the Internet to direct sales.

I need your opinion on my new products.

Saberhagen’s miracle worm elixir.

Eliminates worms, blemishes and limp-whisker syndrome.

What’s in this?

Like I’d tell you.

Patent pending.

Salem, I don’t have time for your snake-oil hucksterism, I’ve got to figure out if I earned that A or Professor Carlin just gave it to me because he’s dating aunt Zelda.

Dating?

For the past week he’s been chasing her around the house like an animal in heat.

Speaking of which, can I interest you in a home spaying kit?

An animal in heat?

Twelve ninety-nine and you get a full refund should you inadvertently have kittens.

Professor Carlin, do you have a minute?

Argh, maybe later Sabrina, I have a class.

if I can just get this door open.

I’ll be quick, I just wanted to talk to you about this thing between you and my aunt.

Ah yes, the exquisite Zelda.

Hey, you never told me your aunt was a vision of loveliness, not unlike the young Lady Chatterley.

Funny, I don’t know how that didn’t come up in class.

Listen, can I ask you about my grade?

You must be quit pleased about finally getting that A?

I’m outraged!

I mean, it’s one thing to work hard for an A but it’s another one to be handed one you may not deserve because your aunt is dating your English professor.

I don’t like what you’re implying Sabrina.

OK, maybe you didn’t do it on purpose but if you were easier on me than everyone else, that’s just not right.

I don’t understand it, first you complain that my grades are too hard, now they’re too soft?

I just want what’s fair.

I would really like it if you would re-read my essay and give me the grade I deserve?

Right, fine, if it’ll make you happy, I’ll take it home and have a look at it tonight.

What is with the doors in this building?

Thank you!

No Hilda, even if he is proven innocent, I have no intention of double dating in a hot-tub with you, Lou and his brother Stu!

Oh, what now!

Hey foxy mama, what you doing later?

I knock off at five.

I’m gonna knock you off right now!

Hilda, I’ve gotta go!

Salem!

Arthur’s going to be here any minute, I can’t have you driving around the living room on a fork lift!

Sorry, but one of my boys called in sick.

Oh, feast your eyes on this baby.

I know I’m going to be sorry I asked this, but what is that?

Meet ‘The Relax-O-Cat’ The one stop feline pleasure centre.

Let me demonstrate.

Go work it baby.

Disgusting!

Arthur's here!

Floor show's over.

In a minute, this is the best part.

No, this is the best part.

Hmm, peanut butter.

Interesting.

Hi.

Hello.

You look absolutely ravishing.

Thank you.

I’ve always depended on the compliments of strangers.

I believe the correct Tennessee Williams quote is {\i }The kindness of strangers.{\i }

I was making a joke.

Well, I’ll get my bag and we’ll be on our way.

Hey Zelda, what is all this junk?

Oh, just a few odds and ends.

Shouldn’t we be going?

‘The Ultimate Kitty Colon Cleanser’

Um, I’m thinking of starting a little business on the side.

I like to dabble in different, fun things.

The Cat Colon Cleansing Company?

You have to admit, you don’t see anyone else doing it.

Kitty Culottes?

Feline Footwear?

Zelda, you shouldn’t be wasting your time with this nonsense.

It’s my time!

I can do what I want with it.

Why are you always telling me what should and shouldn’t do?

It’s just.

I hate dabblers.

You also hate wines that aren’t from France, restaurants without matre’d’s, movies without subtitles.

Oh, that’s not true.

I enjoyed ‘Bonfire of the vanities’.

of course, that was after a bottle of excellent French burgundy.

As usual, you’re missing the entire point.

You criticise everything.

Zelda, all I was trying to say was, it’s the dabbler’s and dilettante’s of the world who lower the bar and undermine the work of serious thinkers.

And it’s the narrow minded, judgmental blowhard’s of the world who stifle creativity!

I hate those people too.

I was talking about you!

Is that another one of your little jokes?

Do you see me laughing?

Hey Salem, you left your sample case at my house and there’s an awful odour coming from it.

Yeah, that worm elixir only has a shelf life of one hour, but I’ve got a new idea that’ll go through the roof!

Fleanut Butter!

Actually, that doesn’t sound too bad.

but I just might be giddy because of my moral victory with professor Carlin.

I might be getting a lower grade.

Pompous jerk!

You frivolous little dilettante!

You should really be happy now, it sounds like Zelda’s gonna score you an F.

Oh no.

I have had it with your knit-picking perfectionism!

Always demanding that I do better.

Hello!

Physically impossible!

I was trying to inspire you but obviously you’re a hopeless case!

You infuriate me!

Well you disgust me!

You repulse me!

Are we gonna kiss now?

No!

Just checking!

Hi guys, want some dried fruit?

No thank you, I was just leaving.

Oh, come on, the figs are really yummy.

Yummy?

You call yourself a college student?

You sound like a five year old.

How dare you insult my niece!

No, no, no!

He was right to insult me.

I'd like to substitute ‘Yummy’ with ‘Gastronomically pleasing’

Don’t pander to him!

If you want to say yummy, you say yummy.

If you want to call him a big dummy, you go right ahead.

But I don’t want to.

Well I do.

Dummy, dummy, dummy, dummy, dummy!

Nannynannynannynannygo.

And on that mature note, I bid you adieu.

Wait!

Wa-a-a-ait!

She doesn’t know what she’s saying!

She’s not my real aunt!

I am so getting an ‘F’

So, we’re into bribes now?

That is so Godfather.

I like it.

It might be my last chance to salvage a descent grade.

You really think pork pate and a heart salami is gonna help you?

And what’s that stuff?

Fleanut butter.

I’m desperate!

Good morning, Professor Carlin.

Hello Sabrina.

I just wanted to bring you some things to apologise for the whole ‘dilettante aunt’ debacle.

Debacle?

It’s a good word, definitely a step up from yummy.

You know, who was I to argue with your whole grading method?

Some naive college student, that’s who.

So I say let bygones be bygones, you know, we go back to the original grades, start afresh.

Paté?

No thanks.

So Sabrina, I re-read your paper and argh, you were right, the grade I gave you wasn’t fair, so I’ve changed it.

Why’d I open my big mouth?

A plus?

Are you drunk?

When I went through it again I discovered nuances I’d missed in the first read.

You did a truly superior job, you deserved a better grade.

Even though my aunt called you pompous?

Well.

I can be a bit pompous sometimes so I’m afraid I owe Zelda an apology.

You know Professor Carlin, I just want to point out that you have a lot of bright, motivated students.

And I think it’s great that you want to raise the bar but.

sometimes you have to meet us half way.

Point taken.

Spellman, you’ve got a lot of gumption.

Gumption?

Is that the best word you can come up with?

Yes it was.

And I’m fine with that, great word.

Great to see you again Lou, the years have been good to you.

You too.

Hmm, we’ve got some memories don’t we Saberhagen?

We’ll always have Bangkok.

You know, I thought I was a gonna' this time.

Thank God for that ditzy blonde who kept winking at me from the jury box.

That’s my Hildie.

So let’s get down to business, are you ready to buy me out and make a fortune cleaning cat colons?

I’ve done worse.

Yeah!

To me!

Schnapps?

Please.

To us.

Oh hohoho!

I got the good jet!