07x02 - The Big Head

[bunniefuu]

Okay, Salem, I'm off.
Now, you know the rules.

Yeah, yeah.
No more sleeping in bras.

I'm serious.
If you talk in front of a mortal,

you're looking at another hundred
years trapped in a cat's body.

- Ugh.
- See you later, guys.

There's our girl,
off to her first day of work.

They grow up so fast, don't they?

Now, we know you're gonna be busy,
so Roxie made you a sack lunch.

Guys,
I'm just going to my first day of work,

not my first of day kindergarten.

Hey, where's my juice box?

So, nervous?

Not really.
I've been a reporter for a while now.

- You were an intern.
- And this is a magazine.

It's totally different
than a newspaper.

It has color pictures.

Guys, it's just a job.

Interviewing famous rock stars,
hanging out with celebrities,

staying ahead of trends, working
with people with a lot more experience.

Oh, my God. Bag.

- Ugh. Tuna.
- You're gonna be great.

Just be yourself.

Or someone
slightly more interesting.

You're right. I'm fine.

Salem, get off my jacket.

You ready to knock them dead?

Yep. I feel confident.

My hair looks good,
my outfit looks good.

Everything's gonna be good.

- Sabrina.
- What?

Watch your back.

That's so sweet.

Yeah, agua.
Where would we be without it?

Well, I guess we'd pee a lot less.

The new girl's got a naughty mouth.
I like that.

Uh, listen, I'm supposed
to be meeting with Annie.

But I've been waiting so long,
I might need to shave my legs again.

Ha, ha. Yeah,
Annie's concept of time is a little fluid.

You probably have time
to grab a latte.

Or grow a redwood.

- First day, huh?
- Yeah, yeah.

- First days are kind of hard.
- Yeah.

Lots of questions.
What am I supposed to do?

Where do I park?
Who do I eat lunch with?

- I'll eat lunch with you.
- Actually, that was sort of rhetorical.

I brought my lunch.

Oh, your mom
packs your lunch too, huh?

So, uh, Leonard, right?

What do you do here?

Oh, I'm, uh... I'm the publisher's
right-hand man. His go-to guy.

His vice president of "I'm losing
my mind, help me put my pants on."

He sells ad space.

Oh, Leonard, by the way, uh,
we need more toner.

I do many things here.

Uh, listen, I think I'm just gonna
knock on Annie's door.

No, it's just... What I really am
is, uh, the idea guy.

Like my idea for the, uh, Limp Biscuit
Scratch and Sniff centerfold.

Awesome, no?

Maybe if it smelled like biscuits.

[LEONARD CHUCKLES]

Might smell like biscuits.

Um, excuse me. Hi, I've been
waiting out here for a meeting.

- I suddenly thought that maybe...
- Sit.

Exactly.

So, um, we met the other day.
You're the senior editor, right?

You're very close.

I knew you were up there, because
you have amazing self-confidence.

You're sitting very close.
You're practically on my lap.

Gotcha.

I'm a little nervous, ha, ha.

See, this job came out of nowhere,
and while I'm excited about it,

I also don't know what it is, and once
I stop talking, you'll explain it to me.

Here's the deal.

Scorch Magazine
focuses on everything

and anything that's cutting edge
with an emphasis on music.

Jonathan Culver, our publisher,

thinks you'd bring a fresh perspective
to the magazine.

But I do have a fresh perspective.
I mean, I'm beyond fresh, I'm ripe.

But that's mostly
from being nervous.

So, uh, what's my first assignment?

Why don't you go see
if the intern wants some water?

Uh, wait a minute.
I'm here to be a reporter.

There's gotta be something
I can report.

Oh, what about this?

Nope, that's taken.

- By whom?
- Me, I just took it.

Oh, come on, do you actually
expect me to allow an unproven writer

to interview a major rock star
on her first day?

Come on, I know
you have low expectations of me,

and I promise I'll meet them.

I mean, exceed them.

All right, fine. Your first assignment.

You and our photographer, James,

are going to the Cape
to do a profile on Strum.

- You do know who Strum is?
- Oh, sure, the musician. I love him.

You know, I saw that film he did with
Jakob Dylan, Strum and Strummer.

[CHUCKLES]

Okay, the humor thing?
The witty banter?

- I don't do it.
- Okay, right.

No humor. No jokes.

I won't even say,
"knock, knock" when I enter.

Did I read about you?

Are you the little girl
who couldn't smile?

SALEM: Since I can't ask you
for the cream cheese,

I'm gonna stare at you
till you give it up.

Oh, I hate
when this cat stares at me.

At least you got the end with eyes.

You know, he jumps on the table,
he gets on the couch.

Sabrina's aunts
gave him way too much leeway.

We have gotta discipline him.

Look, Morgan,
you're not an animal person.

If he's on the table, just say,
"Kitty, get off the table."

SALEM:
Yeah, look at me scamper.

See?
We're just gonna have to train him.

He's a cat, Morgan.
You don't train cats.

You just live with them
in case you never get married.

Well, we'll see about that.

It's time to learn some manners,
Mr. Hair-All-Over-The-Place.

SALEM:
You should talk.

You got enough mustache
to be an assistant coach.

So, Mr. Strum spent so much money
building a personal gym,

he couldn't afford a watch?

I'll tell you,
this place really takes me back.

- I used to be a personal trainer.
- Really?

Yeah, watch yourself.

All right, well, they changed
the equipment since then.

I'm so sorry I'm late.

What's up, dawg, how's it going?

- It's been a long time.
- Yeah, too long.

The pool's filthy.

Oh, no, uh, Strum,
this is James, our photographer.

And I'm Sabrina Spellman,
the reporter.

I have all your CDs.

Well, actually they're MP s
I downloaded off...

Okay,
let's get straight to the interview.

So, um, I understand you're
in the studio working on a new CD.

Do you have a title?

- Move.
- Oh, that's cool.

No, sweetheart. Move.
I can't see myself.

Sorry.

Sweat, please.

Sneeze coming.

Now, get out of here with that.
And don't let me catch that on eBay.

Uh, so, Strum, um,
who were your musical influences?

Well, I'd have to say my biggest
influence was early Brian Ardmore.

Oh, I'm not familiar
with Brian Ardmore.

That was me
before I changed my name.

Dude,
if you're not gonna take pictures,

you might as well clean the pool.

I mean,
I'm not doing this for my health.

Excuse me. These weights
aren't gonna lift themselves.

Do you think you can fit
that ego in the sh*t?

If I take it from the Hubble.

After Salem turned my latest fashion
design into a scratching post,

I decided to buy
the ultimate cat-training system.

SALEM: Nice, but I believe
it's pearls that go with basic black.

How is a crummy cat collar
gonna keep him off the furniture?

Oh, that's no ordinary collar.

As soon as he jumps
on the furniture...

[SALEM YELLS]

Morgan.

Relax. It's perfectly humane.

It says right here,
"Not tested on animals."

SALEM: You sadistic ditz.
Sabrina will never stand for this.

Well, I finished my article
on Strum, and I gotta say,

I'm usually my own worst critic,
but it's perfect.

I mean, when Annie sees this,

she's gonna be thrilled
that I was forced on her.

Listen, Sabrina, would mind
if we started training the cat?

SALEM: Of course she'd mind.
Tell her, Sabrina.

Yeah, sure, whatever.

SALEM:
Huh?

[SALEM YELLS]

I think you had it set too high.

I had it on "cat."

[REMOTE BEEPS]

Oh, "cattle."

[SALEM WHIMPERS]

Hey, what's going on?

I'm so excited.
I just handed in my article to Annie.

I hope she likes it.

What am I saying?
I hope she loves it.

- Oh, I'm Sabrina, by the way.
- Oh, Cole Harper.

Right, you used to write
for Rolling Stone Magazine.

I've been reading your articles
since I was in high...

- Hi, how you doing?
- Good, good.

- So I see you made yourself at home.
- Yeah, just settling in.

So where do you sit?

Well, right now someone's
at my desk, so I'm just kind of floating.

Don't you hate that?
I haven't been given a desk yet.

Oh, I have.

- And you're in it.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.

Nobody's told me
where I'm supposed to sit yet.

Well, that may not be necessary.

- We can't use this.
- Well, what's wrong with it?

It's a puff piece. A love letter.

I could have used the fourth paragraph
to sweeten my coffee.

Well, you know,
if you had kept reading,

you would have noticed I mentioned
he was late and his pool was cloudy.

Nice, nice, very nice.

Thank you, that's what I thought.

No, you used the word "nice"
three times in one paragraph.

Look, Strum is a big star.
Now, what was I supposed to say?

That he was the most pompous,
arrogant jerk I've ever met?

- I'd read that.
- Right.

Seriously, people wanna know
what celebrities are really like.

So I'm just supposed
to be brutally honest?

Which may be hard
for someone like you.

Oh, I can do it if I have to.

I'm gonna go in there right now

and tell Annie
exactly what I think of her.

Or I could just rewrite this article.

Done.

- Phew. I'm fried.
- Oh, you're fried?

I smell like a bad perm.

[SALEM WHIMPERS
AND COUGHS]

"The Ego has Landed"
by Sabrina Spellman.

"Conceit of his pants." Clever.

"Strum's so vain, he probably
thinks this article's about him."

- Good one.
- Yeah.

Wait till you get to the part about him
bending backwards to kiss his butt.

So I guess
now that you've been published,

we should actually give you a desk.

Why don't you take
that one right there?

Really? Great.

Wow.

I finally feel like I'm finally here.

I want her fired.

Well, that was nice while it lasted.

No one is getting fired.
I stand by my writer.

I'm not gonna silence her.

- Thank you.
- Shut up.

If you don't fire her,

then I'll tell every one
of my music industry friends

never to talk
to your magazine again.

Oh, that's two interviews
we're gonna have to do without.

You won't fire her? Then I'll sue.

Sue away.
My editor stands by my story.

Okay, how about if she prints
a retraction in the next issue?

- What? I'm not writing a retraction.
- Well, I'm not getting sued.

- How about a public apology?
SABRINA: Wait a minute.

- Would that work?
- No.

- How about at tomorrow's concert?
- Hello?

Maybe she could be dancing
in a big tub of bean dip.

Oh, right, I went too far.

Deal. I'll see you on-stage.

Thanks, guys.

This was a great day
for the First Amendment.

Is anybody listening to me?

I am, Sabrina. I'm here for you.

Anybody at all?

Here, Salem, it's all yours.

I'm too worked up to eat.

Oh, no.
I'm not jumping on any furniture.

Your friends broke me.

Well, at least now
you'll stop throwing out your hip.

Are you still mumbling to yourself
about this whole apology thing?

This really stinks.

I mean, if I apologize,
then I give up everything I believe in.

If I don't, only thing
I'll be writing is bad checks.

Oh, please, it's a no-brainer.

To be on-stage with Strum?

I'd give up anything,
including my dignity.

You gave that up when you appeared
in Girls Gone Wild .

Look, Sabrina, how would you feel
if you got up on that stage

and let everyone in the world
see you grovel?

Demeaned, degraded, de...
Not very happy.

Then there you go.

Thanks, Roxie.

[MORGAN CLEARS THROAT]

While you're handing out thanks,

how about thanking the person
that's been training your cat all week?

Salem, bring me my mascara.

Prepare to be amazed.

Wow. Talk about whipped.

Thank you, Salem.

Who's my good boy?
Who's my good boy?

[SALEM WHIMPERS]

Annie, I've got something to tell you.
I've given this a lot of thought,

and I've decided I'm not gonna
go through with the apology.

- Fine.
- Fine?

- Fine.
- Fine as in you're in fine with it,

or fine as in find another job?

That's not up to me.
I'll let Jonathan know of your decision.

Well, um,
maybe I should go tell Jonathan.

That way you can stay here
and continue frightening people.

You can't speak with Jonathan.

He sets the bar for trends around here,
and right now, human contact is out.

Fine. I just wanted to let you know
I'm not apologizing to Strum.

- Yeah, I heard you the first time.
- Good.

Then I've said everything
I came in here to say.

Twice.

Sabrina, have you decided what you're
gonna wear to the concert tonight?

Because whenever my girlfriends
have to apologize,

I find a halter-top
puts me in a very forgiving mood.

What makes you think
I'm gonna apologize?

And whatever happened
to standing up for what you believe in?

Well, actually, nothing, if you're
Nelson Mandela or Mother Teresa.

But we ain't saving the lives
of starving people here.

We're just telling them
what to dance to.

Just between you and me,
very smart move giving in.

It took me six months to learn

that if you don't fight them
when they're pantsing you,

they don't run them up the flagpole.

- Kids can be so cruel.
- Oh, yeah.

Thirteen-year-olds
are much bigger than they used to be.

Hey, when you do
this apology thing...

I'm not doing it.

Really? Wow.

I mean, when I first started out
as a reporter, I was idealistic.

I wanted to free political prisoners,
save the ozone, expose corruption.

Then I decided
I wanted a Harley more.

You sold out that easily?

- Compromise is part of the business.
- What are you talking about?

You're the one who got me into this.
You told me to be brutally honest.

Brutal honesty has its place.

But then again,
so does keeping your job.

- Listen, Annie, about the apology.
- Yes?

Do you know a good place
to buy a halter-top? Ha, ha.

Uh, just out of curiosity,

how come there weren't
any white cats on death row?

[SCREAMS]

[GASPS THEN YELLS]

I wonder if I can flip this cushion.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Hey, can we do this? Sounds like the
audience is getting a little impatient.

That's not the audience.

Just part of my pre-concert ritual.

Oh, speaking of which.

My pills.

Oh, perfect. All the rock star elements:
The ego, the dr*gs.

All that's missing
is a brief loveless marriage to J-Lo.

It was an antihistamine, honey.

[SCOFFS]

I'm allergic to the flowers
I sent myself.

Great, can we get this over with?

I still have a tiny shred of dignity
lodged behind my spleen.

- Hey, I like the halter.
- Oops. There it goes.

MAN [NEARBY]:
Let's go. They're waiting.

Well, go on.
Get the girls screaming for me, okay?

Oh, I had an idea.

You know, saying you're sorry
may not have enough impact.

So I'm gonna roll up a copy
of this Scorch Magazine,

you'll bend over
and I'll spank you with it.

- It's great.
- Oh, that's it. Forget it.

- I'm not doing it.
- Excuse me?

Well, I'm not apologizing.

And I'm not letting anyone
spank me on-stage.

Well, maybe if it was Dave Matthews
and it was more of a love tap.

I'm sorry, are you still talking?

Why should I compromise
my self-respect just for some job?

Everything I wrote about you is true.
You're a narcissistic, arrogant jerk,

and I never met anyone
with such a big head.

Excuse me, you're confusing
a big head with self-confidence.

- Now, move it.
- Oh, now you've done it.

Make this blow-hard realize
His empty head is super-sized

Time to give these mall rats
the minimum effort.

They're gonna be talking
about this concert for years.

Hello, Boston. Yeah.

That's weird.

My head.

It's huge.

[SNEEZES]

Darn allergies.

Or maybe your mind's
trying to tell you something.

Maybe this wouldn't be happening
if you weren't so arrogant.

- Have you ever tried being humble?
- Yeah, for about two weeks.

And then all of a sudden
I found out somebody had that name.

MAN [NEARBY]: Come on, Strum.
The crowd's getting restless.

- Okay, well, good luck.
- Wait, wait.

You gotta help me.
What am I gonna do?

I'd start recognizing that there
are other people in this world.

I know there's other people.

I mean,
some of them bring me things.

Okay.

I guess some of my success comes
from those who write my songs.

It's working.

And I guess it wasn't right
to demand all the royalties

from those beginner guitar books.

Good.

And perhaps it wasn't right
to tell Muhammad Ali

that I'm actually the greatest.

Although I bet I could take him.

Okay, maybe not.

Oh, look at that. Back to normal.

Now forget the inflated head
Remember the ego lesson instead

Phew.
Not a hair out of place. Thank God.

Oh, yeah. Thank you too.

I guess we can let the apology slide
for now.

Thanks.

But if you're up for a private spanking,
the show's over after midnight.

Oh, bummer, I'm already booked
for a wedgie at : .

[SALEM GRUNTING]

Come on, Red. It's payback time.

Good kitty. Not on the furniture.

And for being so good,

I am gonna give you
an extra special treat.

SALEM: And I'm gonna help them
pull you down off the moon.

You can join me on the couch.

SALEM:
What?

Now, I am gonna go get some popcorn
for me and some liver treats for you.

I'll be right back.

[SALEM GRUNTING]

Relax.

Mama says it's okay
to be on the furniture now.

SALEM:
No!

[SALEM SCREAMS]

Oh, good, you're here.

I wanted to let you know that I didn't
apologize at Strum's concert tonight.

He wanted to spank me
with a rolled-up copy of Scorch.

Anyway, to make a long story short...

Someone else
would have to be telling it.

Anyway,
I just wanted you to hear it from me.

- Nice going.
- Really? Thanks.

Wait, let me try that again
with a little more sarcasm.

Nice going.

Since you're too high and mighty
to take one for the team,

we missed out
on a ton of free publicity.

Now, I have to finish
passing out these memos.

Well, clearly hiring me
was a failed experiment.

So tell Jonathan thanks for the chance
and sorry it didn't work out.

All right. See you tomorrow.

Wait, I'm fired, right?

I mean,
that was my farewell speech.

And it needs work.

Jonathan hired you.
Only Jonathan can fire you.

And frankly, I wouldn't get rid of you
for all the gin in Hyannis Port.

I don't know what you're saying,
but the gin comment explains a lot.

Look, I'm the kind of person
who likes car wrecks,

explosions and reality television.

And you are this bizarre
combination of all of those.

I am going to look forward every day

to seeing what kind of disaster
you can create for yourself.

Oh, you have no idea.
I am like an earthquake at Legoland.

There was this one time when l...
Too close, right? Too close.

Oh, quit complaining, you big baby.
It wasn't that bad.

Tell that to the piece of charcoal
that used to be my thyroid.

I know you had a difficult week,
but I hope you learned something.

I did.

How to stay off the couch,
and how to poop in a size eight pump.

What?

ROXIE & MORGAN: Salem!
- Ha. I'm out of here.

[LAUGHS]

Not so fast.

[ELECTRIC BUZZING]