07x05 - Free Sabrina

[bunniefuu]

"And although
he's played his last gig,

Screamin' Hank Walters
will be joining Hendrix, Elvis,

and maybe even Tupac..."

[IN UNISON]
"For an all-star jam session in heaven."

Did you read this obituary
before I turned it in?

No, no, I'm reading the one
you wrote last week.

Oh, right.

Well, it is an obituary.
It's not like they're gonna complain.

Hey, it's no big deal.

I reuse the same photos
over and over again.

Of course,
I had to stop when people realized

Queen Latifah
never fought Lennox Lewis.

You know, when I got this job,
I thought I'd be doing more interviews.

But I've covered
more dead rockers than vomit.

Can I just give you a little advice?

Go find your own stories.

You write something decent,
Annie will run it.

You write something indecent
and she'll put it on the cover.

If I wanna impress Annie,
that's what I'll have to do.

You're right. I'm gonna tell Annie
I have written my last obituary.

Sabrina,
get down to Boston General.

Keith Richards is having chest pains.

Can't I wait
until he goes to the morgue?

I have my own parking spot there.

What you're looking at now
is the Morganwear fall line.

I like these, but actually,
we're buying for spring right now.

Oh, not a problem.

And now,
you have scarves to match.

Whoa, cute headband.

That's a skirt.

And I'm guessing
a great way to meet guys.

I'm telling you, these designs
will be flying off the rack. Ha, ha.

Flying off the rack.

Oh, oh! That's our cue.

Oh, look, I love this blouse.

Roxie, don't you love this blouse?

- Love it? I'd like to be buried in it.
- That's right, Roxie.

Because Morganwear
works for every occasion.

Well, your friends
seem to really like your stuff.

[PHONE RINGS]

Morgan,
are we almost through here?

I really should be out
trying to dig up a story.

Actually, I really like your designs.

Let me finish this call,
and I'll place an order.

I sold something.
I sold something, ha, ha.

I deserve a little treat.

What do you think,
uh, Lexus or Mercedes?

Uh, how about chipping in
for groceries once in a while?

That's Babette Storm.

Oh, yeah.
She's in town sh**ting a film.

Wow. She looks even better
in person.

- Two words: "Bo," "tox."
- Get out.

She's pushing ,
she's gotta do something.

Hey, that's a great story:

What an actress has to do
to stay in the game.

Now, how can I prove
that she's using Botox?

Stick a safety pin in her forehead.

Oh, my God, did you see that?

She just shoplifted.

That's really sad.

Yeah, it is.

She stole from the clearance rack.

If I buy a box of Thin Mints,
will you go away?

What if I had a story about someone
who was actually alive?

What have you got?

Well, I saw Babette Storm
last night at a boutique,

and let's just say she's no stranger
to the five-finger discount.

That means shoplifting.

Got any proof?
That means you're a real reporter.

Well, I saw it with my own two eyes.

Hey, five fingers, two eyes.
Maybe I can use that in my article.

Look, I have no doubt
this woman's a thief, okay?

There is no other explanation
for her Oscar.

But find a story you can back up.

Well, I know for a fact
she's had Botox injections.

I think.

Come on, cheer up.

I can't help it. I'm bummed.

I try to show my boss
that I know what I'm doing

and I end up
looking like an amateur.

Well, why don't you do
what I do when I feeling down?

Let strangers rub my belly?

Huh.

Order the champagne.

Monique just called.

She wants to double
her initial order of Morganwear.

Congratulations.

At least one of our careers
is taking off.

Oh, Sabrina, I don't have time

for the Annie-is-evil pep talk
right now.

I have outfits to deliver.

Oh, okay.

Annie is evil,
you're great, hang in there.

- Oh, I forgot the best part.
- I'm thin and beautiful?

Oh, we're back to me now.

Babette Storm
ordered one of my dresses

to wear to the press conference
for her new film.

You might wanna sew in a LoJack.

She's picking it up at Monique's
on Thursday at : .

Now, because of this stupid cast,
I am gonna need help with the sewing.

Wait, she's going back
to that boutique?

Maybe I have another sh*t
at that story.

I just need proof.

Hey, guys. What's going on?

Hey, Roxie.
Do you know how to sew?

Sew? A needle pulling thread?

Never mind.

How about you, Sabrina?
Do you wanna work for me?

Not even if the job was testing pie.

All I need you to do
is come to this boutique

so that I can prove
that Babette is a shoplifter.

You know, bring your camera,
just skulk around.

Now, wait a minute.

They tend to keep an eye on a brother
skulking in a ritzy women's boutique.

Fine, then give me your camera.

I broke mine trying to k*ll a spider.

Maybe you do deserve a break.

Actually, you remind me
of myself when I came here.

Young, naive, desperate to succeed.

- I'm not desperate to succeed.
JAMES: Oh?

That is so not me. Ha, ha.

Please, help me, James. Please?

- Okay, I'll help you.
- Thank you.

You know, uh,
I've done surveillance before.

Dangerous stuff.

Sean Penn whacked me right here.
P. Diddy slapped me right here.

Celine Dion got me right here.

She hit you?

No, it's the Titanic theme,
it chokes me up.

Welcome to Morganwear.

Congratulations.

You girls have the thrill
of working for a vibrant,

cutting-edge company
focused on generation now.

Now, don't be threatened
working for someone

so much younger
and more beautiful than you.

Oh, please.

When I was her age, I had a rack
you could bounce a wing nut off of.

Where did you pick up
the bridge game?

This is my new work force.

They're day laborers.

I found them hanging out
in front of the fabric store.

We were waiting
for a bus to Atlantic City.

You know, Morgan,
this looks like unfair labor practice.

You can't hold people
against their will.

No, not all of them.

I started with eight.

- Oh, there she is.
- Really?

She don't look like a thief.

She also doesn't look
like Harriet Tubman,

but that didn't stop her from playing
the part in that one-woman show.

Okay, pretend like
you don't know me.

Right. We all got Annie's memo
about that.

Oh, this is kind of nice.

Ahem, would this look good on me?

Uh, are you asking me?

Yeah. Be honest.

Well, it's a little "get out of the trailer,
there's a twister coming."

Oh, you're right.

Um, but, you know,
this blouse would look great on you,

and at this price, it's a steal.

I mean, a bargain.

That's gorgeous.
You have very good taste.

Really? Thanks.

Would you mind telling my boss that?
And my roommates?

And, well, actually,
can I get it in writing?

I'm Babette.
My friends call me Babs.

I'm Sabrina.
My friends call me Sabs.

BABETTE: Oh.
- They don't really.

Oh. You know, it's so rare that I meet
someone down-to-earth

and honest like you.

Would you mind
helping me pick out a few things?

Really? Sure.

And you have to get that blouse.

My treat.

Okay, then I'll just try
on this one little blouse.

And this and this.

Ooh, I love this.

Because, actually,
y'all about the same size.

So, uh, could you try this on for me?

You sure your mother
wants this for her birthday?

Oh, yeah.

Psst, psst, psst.

May I help you?

Uh, do you have
any changing rooms?

You are standing right by them.

Ah.

- Some of these women are so dumb.
- Mm.

- Okay. I'll try on the teddy for you.
- Thank you.

James, pay attention.

I'm working, I'm working.

I love buying clothes,
but I hate trying them on. Don't you?

It takes so long.

Tell me about it.

First, you gotta try stuff on.

And take them off.

And then if you need another size,

you gotta go back
and get another one.

Now, it's small and overpriced.

Oh, I look terrible in this one.

I doubt. You'd look great in anything.

No, seriously,
this one will make me like a cow.

It can't be that bad. Let me try.

Ooh! Uh, I see what you mean.

[SABRINA MOOS]

BABETTE:
What?

SABRINA:
I said, "Ew, you're right."

- Any luck?
- Ugh.

No, everything was either too clingy,
too floofy or two paychecks.

- How about you?
- No, struck out.

Really, huh?

So, listen,
do you wanna grab a bite?

- You wanna go to lunch with me?
- Sure.

I just... I feel like I have
this connection with you.

And it will be fun.

Well, I guess I could go to lunch.

I already packed mine, but bologna
keeps for a couple of days.

Ha, ha. Afterwards,
maybe we'll swing by my spa.

We'll make a day of it. Come on.

Look, Babette,

I have to be honest with you.

I'm a reporter for Scorch magazine.

That guy over there,
he's a photographer.

We're working on an article
about you being a shoplifter.

At least I am.

What are you talking about?

I saw you take something
from here the other day.

I don't want you to ruin your career

over some blouse
that will look stupid in two weeks,

so put the stuff back
and I'll forget about the article.

You guys in the media are all alike.

You try to tear us down to make
your own lives seem less pathetic.

No, I'm not gonna write the article.

What makes you think I'm pathetic,
the bologna? It's not like I fry it.

Miss Storm,
is this woman disturbing you?

Ahh, I'll be fine.

Just get the dress I ordered
so I can go.

- Do not bother the famous people.
SABRINA: But l...

MONIQUE: I think you'd better leave.
- James?

[IN GERMAN ACCENT]
Dieter, and I don't know this woman.

Well, at least let me get my stuff.

I'm really sorry, Miss Storm.
Please...

...consider this a gift from us.

Thank you.

She was gonna take it anyway.

I'm telling you, she's got stuff
in that bag. She's ripping you off.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] If she had
merchandise, bells would be ringing

and Gary Coleman
would be searching her bags.

Come on.

And please don't tell
anybody what happened.

I really want to keep this very quiet.

[ALARM BLARING]

I didn't. I swear.

James, a little help?

Okay, but they're gonna do this
for free down at the precinct.

Good morning, Cole.

Hey, how you doing, Sabrina?

How's it going?

So you heard.

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

Okay, I'm innocent.

Just so you know,

I just got off the phone with our
publisher about your little escapade.

- He screamed for five minutes.
- He's pretty upset, huh?

Oh, he was getting
a deep-tissue massage.

But for some reason,
he won't let me fire you.

It's like you have some spell on him.

I don't. Oh, wait, hang on.

No, I really don't.

You are very lucky
you are not in jail right now.

Yeah, because I'd really hate
to miss fall colors.

Thanks for getting me off the hook.

- Yeah, well, you're on borrowed time.
- Well, I was set up.

She pretended to be my friend.

She's a much better actor
in real life than she is on the screen.

Can I just give you some advice?

Journalism rule number one:

Never get too close to your subject.

Rule number two:

Never shoplift on company time.

You actually think
I stole something?

Sabrina, it's cool. Everyone knows
what Jonathan pays you.

- You do what you gotta do.
- Okay, first, I didn't do.

And second,
everyone knows what I make?

Yeah.

But hang in there,
Congress is gonna raise it next year.

James, you were there with me.
You know I didn't steal anything, right?

Hey, hey, relax.
Just ignore them, okay?

You and I both know
what happened.

- Besides, the camera don't lie.
- Thanks.

Uh-huh.

This came out
way better than I thought.

James.

Hey, I've never been
a bad girl before.

I look kind of hot.

I don't hear sewing machines.

Come on, ladies, back to work.

But we were watching our stories.

Yeah, yeah.

You'll be seeing
The Guiding Light soon enough.

Come on, let's go.

What are you doing home?

Well, I had to leave work.

I wanted a peaceful lunch
without people leering at me

like I was gonna steal their pickle.

Sabrina, Sabrina.

Do you understand
the consequences of your actions?

What if Babette Storm found out
that we were roommates

and decided not to wear the dress
to her press conference?

Oh, I'm sorry, Morgan.
I was only thinking of myself.

Thank God you have me
as a role model.

Hey, there's my favorite cause.

Oh, Roxie. Thank you.

I can't believe you had a T-shirt
made up just for me.

I had it since I was kid.

It used to say, "Willy,"
but I scraped it off.

- That's how much I believe in you.
- It could be worse, I suppose.

It could say
"Spay and Neuter your Sabrina."

Come on, Sabrina.

Get even
with this cheap tramp actress.

Call up the news stations,
post the truth on her website.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe she has some other secret
I could dredge up.

Here she is. Look at this.

Four years ago,
she was arrested for shoplifting.

Whoa, how do you steal
a tanning bed?

- Oh, first, she stole a truck.
- Hmm?

The charges were dropped.

But I bet I could use all this
to force a confession from Babette.

Where is she now?

Look,
it's her trailer from the movie set.

And there she is.

What's she doing?

What do you think?
She's stealing cable.

Eh?

BABETTE:
Just leave my lunch and go.

No, I'm here to talk.

Oh, it's you.

What are we doing,
Hee Haw: The Movie?

- Are you ready to apologize?
- Apologize?

I was trying to keep you
from getting into trouble.

Now, everybody thinks
I'm a thief and a liar and an A-cup.

I was stealing that bra for my sister.

You think because you're a big star

that laws don't apply to you,
Carla Bernstein?

Well, you know,
you could have gotten me fired.

You could have ruined my career.

And I am fully capable
of doing that on my own.

Look, l... I didn't mean
to get you in trouble.

Would it help if I called your boss
and set everything straight?

- That would be great.
- Okay.

And could you tell her
that you'll let me do a feature on you?

And, you know,
you never did buy me that blouse.

Let's start with your boss.

Dial the number and I'll get on.

I'll just be in my trailer.

Thank you.

Hi, Annie? Sabrina.

Spellman.

The new girl?

Look, Babette Storm
has something to say to you.

Hold on a sec.

Babette?

Babs?

Elly May?

Hey, ma'am.

We just got a call that someone
stole Miss Storm's cell phone.

Can I see that?

Annie?

Yeah, she'll have to get back to you.

You are an embarrassment
to this magazine.

In my defense,
you thought that before this.

She set me up.

Why would I steal a cell phone?

I have my own phone

with way more minutes
than anybody could possibly need.

Mostly nighttime and weekend
minutes, but what I want...

Okay, could you...? Please.

What I'm saying is I didn't do it.

Jonathan has managed
to pull a few strings

and Miss Storm has agreed not
to press charges as long you get help.

Help?

Help.

You must be new here.

Welcome to Klept-Anon.

I'm Cliff.

I fell off the wagon at Macy's
on the way here.

Think of it
as -percent-off sale.

Grab some coffee.
We're about to get started.

Everyone, we have a new member
joining our group tonight.

Uh, would you like
to introduce yourself?

Hi. I'm Sabs.

Jane Sabs.

And I am definitely not
a kleptomaniac.

CLIFF: Mm-hm.
- I'm not.

Jane, we've all been in denial.

But sooner or later,
you've got to confront your demons.

Oh, I've confronted demons.

Big hairy demons
like you've never dreamt of.

But right now the demon I need
to confront is Babette Storm.

[GASPS]

You know Babette Storm?

I love her.
I have been to all of her movies.

All right, I snuck in, but...

Well, she is a thief and a liar,

and she was horrible
as a submarine captain

in that movie
Courage Under Water.

Yeah, well,
she's the one that belongs here.

I'm gonna prove it.

Oh, sorry.

I have one just like it at home.
I swear.

Hello, little Salem.

Granny May got you
some very special kitty candy.

Oh, thanks, sweetheart. Oops.

Did you just speak?

Uh, no, it's the dementia setting in.

Oh, ha, thank God.

Jeez, it's like a kiln in here.

You're running a sweatshop.
These conditions are deplorable.

Oh, please, it's good for them.

It keeps them sharp.

Oh, Jeanette, don't eat the thread.

Workers have rights too, you know.

Come on, girls,
you don't have to take this.

Let's stage a walkout.

Oh, nice try, rabble-rouser.

They're not walking out on me.

I've got their support hose.

So in sum, I'd say Never, Always

is a story of hope,
redemption and love.

Plus, you get to see my buns.

SABRINA:
Excuse me, excuse me.

- Press coming through.
- We're all press.

Okay,
then the shortest to the tallest.

You always seem to bring out
the best in your co-stars.

- How do you do it?
- Acting is like life.

I always try to give more than I take.

Oh, give me a break.

I've got a question,
are you a shoplifter?

Anyway, heh,
I've played many different roles,

and preparing for them
is always about the search for truth.

Kind of how I live my life.

- Ugh, anybody got a shovel?
- Could you sit down?

Okay,
it's time for some straight answers.

Whisper, mumble, scream or shout
Let the honest truth come out

What was it like working with
the up-and-coming star, Billy Pape?

Oh, a dear, dear person,

aside from his limited acting skills
and unlimited body odor.

Um, is it true that you stole several
garments from the Monique store?

I cannot tell a lie.

For some inexplicable reason,
yes, heh, heh. Yes, I did. Ha, ha.

And on Thursday,
did you put clothes in my bag

after I warned you that I was reporter
doing a story about your shoplifting?

Uh, guilty. Ha, ha.

That's all I got.

What else can you tell us
about Miss Storm?

Sorry, journalism rule number one:
Never give up an exclusive story.

Rule number one
was never get too close...

Okay,
so I haven't memorized all the rules.

[REPORTERS
YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

I said, "I never give up an exclusive
interview" and I ran right here.

Yeah, we know.

The press conference is webcast.

Really?

Want to see what you missed
by running here with your exclusive?

Oh, my God. Billy Pape showed up?

The lead in the film
was originally Julia Roberts,

but I gave her food poisoning, forcing
her to bow out at the last minute.

I also cheat on my taxes,
ha, ha, and my husband.

And I altered my father's will

when I found out
he left all his money to charity.

You see how your shoplifting story
kind of pales compared to this?

Nice going.

Don't hate me
because I'm her favorite.

What? You got another rule for me?

Well, since you asked.

Journalism rule number four:

Never yell stop the presses
unless you're stuck in them.

I guess I really blew it.

Look, your instincts were right,
you broke a big story.

You just broke it for other writers.

You're gonna do great.

Hey, listen. I had a rough start too.

It took Annie about a year
before she stopped picking on me.

Well, what changed?

You showed up.

Finally, someone appreciates me.

Now that all your workers walked out,
how are you gonna fill your orders?

Oh, I found even cheaper labor.

[SOBBING]

Wait until PETA hears about this.