08x01 - How Not to Lose Your Head to Henry VIII: Part 1

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Bewitched". Aired: September 17, 1964 - March 25, 1972.*
Watch/Buy Amazon  Merchandise


Samantha falls in love with and marries Darrin Stephens only for him to find out that his new wife is one of a secret society of powerful witches and warlocks and that a twitch of her nose brings magic.
Post Reply

08x01 - How Not to Lose Your Head to Henry VIII: Part 1

Post by bunniefuu »

Hi. This is
Elizabeth Montgomery,

inviting you to stay tuned
for Bewitched.

[DING]

[♪]

Come on, Sam, we'll be late.

Sweetheart, the Tower of London
has been standing there

since the year 1000.

I promise you it won't go away.

[PHONE RINGING]

If that's Larry, tell him
I was lost at sea.

You think it could be him?

He knows we're on vacation.

He knows, but he doesn't care.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Mother.

I'll get on the extension.

Are the children behaving
themselves?

Oh, they're perfect
little darlings.

As a matter of fact,
they're right here,

and they want to say hello.

Say, "Hello, Mommy."
Come on.

Hello, Mommy.

Yes. Say, "Hello, Daddy."

Hello, Dad.

Hello, Adam.

Hi, sweetheart, how are you?

Are you having a good time
with Grandmama?

Oh, yeah.

This morning we all went
swimming in the pool.

Pool? What pool?

We don't have a pool.

Grandmama zapped it up.

What?

Put Grandmama back on the phone.

What is it, Durwood?

Endora, didn't you promise,

on what you laughingly call
your honor,

not to pull
any of that hocus-pocus

in front of the kids?

Oh, don't get your giblets
in an uproar.

I removed the pool

when the children
were through swimming.

Darrin, it is not necessary
to thrash this out

on a long-distance phone call.

Oh, don't worry,

this call isn't costing you
anything.

Why not?

Because I'm using
Tabitha's phone.

Now, don't you realize
what a poor example

you're setting for the children?

Now, why couldn't you use
the regular phone?

Because there's one thing
it can't do.

DARRIN:
What is that?

This.

Endora!

Did he get the idea, Samantha?

Yes, Mother. He got it.

And now I think
I'm gonna get it.

Bye.

ANNOUNCER:

[♪]

[TINKLING]

[♪]

[♪]

Don't they look great
in their uniforms?

SAMANTHA:
Uh-huh.

And they make
a marvelous gin too.

Now, centuries ago, people had
the misleading impression

that the Tower was erected
by Julius Caesar,

right after he conquered Gaul.

Now, this happened
not to be the truth.

Caesar did not build
the Tower of London,

although he certainly had
the gall to do it.

[LAUGHS]

A bit of humor never hurts,
I always say.

But now onto more
serious matters.

Now, this here room
is hung with portraits

of previous royal subjects.

The true facts are,

the Tower was begun
by William the Conqueror

in the year 1066,
and has been added to

by succeeding occupants
of the British throne.

Pst, pst. Pst.

Shh.

TOUR GUIDE:
...so, in case of an att*ck,

only the defenders
could use their right hand.

If you follow me,

we'll visit the crypt
of St. John's Chapel,

which was also used as a prison

when the dungeons down below

had standing room only.

Pst, pst.
Pst, pst.

You hissed?

You could have gotten me
into a lot of trouble.

Oh, forgive me, madam,
but I'd almost given up hope.

Would you believe you're the
first witch in over 400 years

to take this tour?

Well, if you're my prize,
I'm not interested.

Let me explain.

A hateful witch placed me
under a curse

and doomed me to remain here
for 1000 years.

A thou...

A thousand years?

That's a long time,
even in the life of a warlock.

Now, come on, everybody,
stick together

and follow me
right through here.

I don't want none of you
getting lost

as we go through
these halls here.

Right behind me, that's the way.
Move along.

[♪]

You must have committed
a terrible crime

to earn this kind of punishment.

On the contrary.

All I did was fall in love
with a witch

in the court of King Henry VIII

and ask her to marry me.

Well, why would the hateful
witch object to that?

Because I was already married
to the hateful witch.

Oh. No wonder she was
so hateful.

I don't know if your powers are
strong enough to release me,

but I beg of you, please try.

Well, I don't believe
in philandering,

but it seems to me
you've served your sentence.

Oh, thank you,
thank you, thank you!

Now, what could I do
to repay you?

Well, you can start
by letting go of my hand,

or I'll miss
the rest of the tour.

[♪]

Sam, what...

And where did he come from?

Out... Out of that painting.
I'll explain later.

Sam, you've just defaced
a national treasure.

Don't worry,
I'll un-deface it in a minute.

Who is this varlet?

He's no varlet, he's my husband.

TOUR GUIDE: We will ascend
to the second floor

to visit the royal apartments.

Uh-oh. I'll try
and head them off.

Do something with him.

My dear lady, I am forever
in your gratitude.

I'm your sl*ve.

Well, sorry,
but we're fully staffed.

I see you're still at it,
you wretched rogue!

You knave!

Malvina, oh, please.
I've suffered long enough.

I'll be the judge of that.

And as for you,
you miserable little witch,

who gave you the right
to reverse my curse?

Nobody. And I apologize.

Apology not accepted.

Now put him back
where he belongs.

Okay, okay.

I don't know how this pebble
got in my shoe.

I'll just be a second.

Very well, sir.

But it'd help a lot all around

if you wouldn't go
traipsing off by yourself.

Just be a banana
and stick with the bunch.

[LAUGHS]

I'll show you what we do
with meddlers.

Oh, Malvina...

This trip through time
will teach you a lesson

in others' affairs,
not to mess in.

Back to Henry VIII go you.

The moment you meet him
is the moment you'll rue.

[♪]

Could you tell me
what place this is?

What place? Marry, 'tis a place
where the King changes wives

as often as a woman
changes her mind.

[DISTANT expl*si*n]

What's that?

The King's fifth wife
just lost her head.

You mean they sh**t off
the cannon

every time she gets angry?

Uh.. No, child, it's...

You mean:

It seems to be less troublesome
than divorce.

Bless you, my child.

[♪]

[PHONE RINGS]

Yes, I'll accept the call.

Hello, Durwood.

What do you mean
Samantha's gone?

How can you lose a grown woman?

I didn't lose her.

She ran off with a nobleman?

Oh, how wonderful.

Didn't run off with a nobleman.

Oh, what a shame.

Oh, in a painting?

A curse? I see!

This could be serious, Durwood.

If it wasn't,
would I be calling you?

I think I better get Esmeralda
to mind the children.

I'll meet you in front
of the painting right away.

Right away?

Yes. If I get there first,

I'll start without you.

[♪]

[PEOPLE LAUGHING AND SINGING]

♪ The hunt is on
The hunt is on ♪

♪ And it is Well nigh day ♪

♪ And Harry our King
Is hunting ♪

♪ To bring his gear to make ♪

♪ The hunt is on
The hunt is on ♪

♪ And it is Well nigh day ♪

♪ And Harry our King... ♪

Greetings to you all.

My lord.
My lord.

Good morrow,
my Lord Chamberlain.

You've come in good time.

The King sorely needs
your cheer.

Aye, we heard the cannon
proclaim the sad news.

Chop and change,

chop and change.

Now we'll have none of that,
if you please.

Come, masters,
I'll show you to your quarters.

CHAMBERLAIN:
Come along.

Excuse me.

What manner of costume is that?

Is there anything wrong with it?

It is, to say the least,
minimal covering.

When you appear before
His Majesty,

you'd better maxify it.

But...
Go along now.

[♪]

This way.

This way. Make yourselves ready,
masters.

The King is even now
in the dining hall.

Burying his sorrow
in the roast beef?

Enough, or you will
be made to leave.

As long as I do not leave here
headfirst

like the Queen.

CHAMBERLAIN:
Cease these jackanapes.

I will send word
when you must appear.

And find this one some clothing
more suitable to the occasion.

[CHUCKLES]

PLAYER:
Well, now, mistress,

can you do something
to entertain?

I...

I don't know.

Then, why are you here?

Isn't it obvious?

She is a very special friend...

of the Chamberlain's.

[ALL LAUGH]

Apparently I seem to have
no trouble

entertaining all of you.

Touché.

Just a little jest. No offense.

A foolish jest at my expense!

A rhyme!

Art thou then a poet?

Be still.

Can you sing or dance a jig
or play an instrument?

I seem to remember...

playing something like this
when I was a child.

I-I-It's called a lute.

Then you shall sing and play
for His Majesty,

and I will teach you
some of his favorites.

[♪]

[♪]

Right this way, ladies
and gentlemen. Just follow me.

Up here, Durwood.

What are you doing there?

Horsing around.

Will you cut that out?

I'm just getting
some information.

I don't know if they still
imprison people here,

and I'd rather not find out.

Now, will you get out of there?

I was getting the necessary
information from Herbie.

Samantha has been zapped back
to the court of Henry VIII

in the year 1542.

Henry VIII, the eighth?

How terribly clever of you
to figure that out.

[♪]

Ahh.

[BURPS]

Poor Catherine.

She had a lovely neck.
What a pity, huh?

A pity indeed, sire.

At least she got rid

of those chronic headaches
of hers.

[LAUGHS]

[ALL LAUGH]

They say that a man
cannot live with a wife

nor without one.

But after five failures,

I'm determined never again
to so much as look at another.


♪ Early one morning ♪

♪ Just as the sun was rising ♪

♪ I heard a maiden singing
In the vale below ♪

Look at another what, sire?
Sh, sh.

♪ Oh, never leave me ♪

♪ How could you use ♪

♪ A poor maiden so? ♪

♪ Remember the vows
That you made to your Mary ♪

♪ Remember the bower
Where you vowed to be true ♪

♪ Oh, don't deceive me ♪

♪ Oh, never leave me ♪

♪ How could you use ♪

♪ A poor maiden so? ♪

♪ Oh, gay is the garland ♪

♪ And fresh are the roses ♪

♪ I've culled a garden
To bind on my brow ♪

♪ Oh, don't deceive me
Oh, never leave me ♪

♪ How could you use ♪

♪ A poor maiden so? ♪

[APPLAUSE]

[WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY]

[♪]

Rise and be seated.

What is your name, dear child?

I know not.

I know not? What a strange name.
You must be Irish.

But, uh,
you have a lovely voice.

Oh, thank you, Your Majesty.

My late wife, Catherine,
used to sing to me.

But now...

[SIGHS]

Would you like to stay
in the palace

and take Catherine's place?

As a singer, I mean.

Well, if it please,
Your Majesty.

I can only hope,
that like your late wife,

I do not lose my...

voice.

[MUMBLES]

[♪]

Because of Malvina's curse,

Samantha has no powers
and can't return to the present

unless someone in this century

woos and wins her with a kiss.

Guess who's elected?

You... You're joking.

There's more.

Not only does Samantha not have
her witchcraft,

but she doesn't even know
who she is, nor who you are.

Beautiful. Now I'm supposed
to kiss a perfect stranger.

What's to stop her
from slapping me in the face?

Fortunately, nothing.

One thing about your
mean streak, Endora,

it's consistent.

Now, let's get going.

But first...

First you need
an appropriate costume.

[♪]

Yes. Yes, of course.

Thanks a lot!

Why couldn't I have
the nobleman's clothes?

Because you'll be a lot more
believable as a peasant.

But I...
Quiet!

But what about the painting...

Quiet!

Backward, turn backward.

Oh, time, in thy flight,

take this peasant
away from my sight,

back to the time of Henry VIII,

who was long on wives
but short on faith.

No!

[LAUGHS]

[♪]

Excuse me, could you tell me
how far it is

to the court of King Henry VIII?

Oh, you have a long,
long way to go.

Are you sure?

Oh, positive.

You see,
this is the court of Henry I.

Terrific. That was beautiful,
Endora.

You only missed the target
by 500 years.

But I guess at your age,

your powers are bound
to slip a little.

Would you care to repeat that?

No. But I knew
it would get to you.

You sent me back
to the time of Henry I.

Well, so what? I was only
seven Henrys off.

Seven Henrys and 500 years.

A mere tick
of the universal tock.

Okay, let's try again.

First, I think we'd better take
a little precaution.

In case you get
into trouble again,

which you undoubtedly will.

Place this talisman
around your neck.

When you need me,

put it between your teeth,

and flap your arms like this.

And do this.

Quack, quack, quack, quack,
quack, quack, quack.

Quack, quack, quack,
quack, quack.

Quack, quack.

You're kidding.

Well, if you'd rather
go it alone...

No, no, I'll keep it.

Are you ready?

Just watch your aim.

Silence!

Backward, turn backward.

Oh, time, in thy flight,

back to the past
with the speed of light.

To Henry's time,
let's check the date,

and do not pass
Henry number eight.

[♪]

What did the King say?
Did our poor efforts please him?

He was very complimentary.

You were a smash.

What does that mean?

I, uh...

I-I think it means
you were superb.

PLAYER:
As were you.

We would be most honored

if you would wish to join
our company.

Are you mad?

Do you imagine for a moment

that the Lion of England
would let this cub go?

Nay, she is for his den.

Mind him not.

He has a bell clapper
for a tongue.

His Majesty, the King.

Arise, rise, rise.

We could not let you depart

without paying our respects
to each of you.

You are truly masters
of your profession.

Thank you, my gracious liege.

You are very much
to be congratulated.

You, sir, you, sir, you, sir...

you, sir, and you, sir.

Out!

Come, come. I'm sure you must
all be anxious

to be on your way.

No, no, no, wait!
I'm going with you.

But we desire you to stay.

Is that a command?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

We would not dream of forcing
you to stay against your will.

You may do as you wish.

We only suggest
that you will find the palace

more comfortable
than the dungeon.

Good luck and goodbye.

[♪]

[♪]

[♪]

Are you afraid of us?

No, Your Majesty.

Good.

Will you stop retreating?

I will, if you stop advancing.

Very well.

[YELLS]

No use to struggle, my dear.

We are the champion wrestler
of the British Isles.

Then shouldn't we pick
on someone our own size?

Do you realize how many women

would be delighted
to change places with you?

Good. Why don't we call
one of them?

[LAUGHS]

Delightful sense of humor!

Perhaps...

Perhaps we should
make you our wife.

What do you say to that?

Well, Your Majesty,
I may not know much,

but I do know
that you are a no-no.

Are you saying

that you would not care to be
the wife of Henry VIII?

With all due respect,
Your Majesty, no.

Why not?

Well, frankly,

your wife expectancy
isn't too great.

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

I know. We'll make you
a lady-in-waiting.

And just between you and me...

you won't have to do
much waiting.

Ugh!

[♪]

ANNOUNCER: How does a nice
little witch like Samantha

get out of the clutches
of a big, bad wolf

like Henry VIII?

Next week on Bewitched.

[♪]
Post Reply