02x12 - Beef Mommas House Adventure

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Great North". Aired: January 3, 2021 – present.*
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Following the Alaskan adventures of the Tobin family, as a single dad, Beef, does his best to keep his weird bunch of kids close by.
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02x12 - Beef Mommas House Adventure

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- ♪ Look up there ♪
- ♪ What do you see? ♪


♪ Nature and stuff ♪

- ♪ Like a rock ♪
- ♪ And a tree ♪


♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪


♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪


♪ In the Great North. ♪

[cheering]

DEBBIE:
Then I did my sixth double axel,


looked at the judges
and said, "Judge this, dorks."

Oh, that gives me an idea.

We should put some skates
on the Dread Sled.

Wait. What's the Dread Sled?

I like sleds
and I love feeling dread.

Well, uh, it's, uh, um...

Moon, we've been building
a motorized sled together.

Without me?
How come you guys

- never told me about this?
- Well, because...

we do it when our moms do
Moms' Night.

We're gonna ride the sled
across Fall-Thru Lake.

You know that lake's cursed, right?

Yes. Someone tried to have
a quinceañera there,

but it fell through
three different times

due to scheduling issues,
and the next thing you know,

she was turning
and it was too late.

Taking this sled on a run is
gonna be the most fun I've had

since my mom's boyfriend Jamie
took me on a wildflower hike.

I almost passed out from how
beautiful the buttercups were.

I'm in.
For the sled, not the buttercups.

Well, Moon, like I said, we only
do sled stuff on Moms' Nights.

We would have invited you,
but you don't have a mom.

- What if I could find one?
- You can't just go to the grocery store,

put a hat on a pineapple,
and call it your mother.

I know tons of moms.
For instance, Beverly,

the elderly security guard
at the Greyhound station.

I'm sure she
could get the job done.

I'll definitely bring a mom.
I might even bring two.

Now, this is salmon jerky.
I feel very Jazzercised.

I see where they get the energy
to swim upstream.

Hey, is that our pot holder?
I swear I tucked it

into its little drawer
in the guest cabin this morning.

- I wonder how he got over here.
- Maybe he couldn't sleep,

so he grew little legs
and walked over here.

Or is there a possibility
that this pot holder's haunted?

I doubt that, babe.

Oh, I hope it is.
You know I love haunted stuff.

Mansions, banshees,
the look in Emma Thompson's eyes

in the final scene of Howards End.

Let's take it home and put it
in its little beddy-bye.

And I'll sing something
to get it back to Snoozeville.

I just checked out a new ska
lullabies CD from the library.

He'll be skanking to sleep
in no time.

MOON: Dad, I was wondering
about something.

You like moms, right?

And might be interested
in meeting some?

Ah, maybe.
But not many moms

want to hang out with a single dad.

They assume
I'm some sort of barbarian

who's gonna use their iron
to make a grilled cheese.

But if there was a group of moms
who knew

that you know how to use an iron
in a regular way,

would you be interested
in joining them?

Oof. Not really.
Groups aren't for me.

Remember, I briefly joined that
book club, and it didn't go well.

We were reading Girl on the Train,

and everyone said
I was too focused on the train.


Okay, well, then,
on a completely unrelated topic,

I have to do homework
at Henry's house tomorrow night.

- Can you drop me off?
- You bet.

Ah, night homework.
I remember the thrill

of diagramming sentences
in the evening.

Hey, guys, you got to come
in the living room.

Dad, I know you said
I'm an adult now,

and you don't need to see
how high I can jump,

but I'm jumping really high!

- Yup. Here we come.
- Wait, the pot holder is in here again?

What in the name
of taco seasoning?

Probably just
a freaky coincidence, but...

Rosemary's Gravy!
How'd you get here?

[gasps]
Hamburger Help-me.

Honey Bunches of Scrotes!

Honeybee,
I don't want to scare you,

but I've been finding
that spooky pot holder

just all over the place.

Really? [gasps]
Maybe you were right about it.

I can't % say it's haunted,
but there's no other explanation.

- This pot holder?
- [screams]

I just found it sitting
out on the front porch

- in the rocking chair.
- Jumpin' Jeremy Irons!

It's been in the shower,
my bed, the mailbox,

and now the rocking chair?

My hunch was right...
we got a pot holder-geist!

It was only a matter of time.

Every oven mitt looks
like a ghost saying hello.

- You ever notice that?
- Your pot holder is haunted?

[gasps] Congratulations.

- So you all love ghosts?
- Oh, yeah.

When we were little,
we would always ask Dad

to build our house
on an old burial ground,

but he kept saying,
"The house is already built."

Not cool, Beef.

Have a good time, Moon.

I have an exciting evening
of spice rack reorganization

- ahead of me.
- Oh, actually, Dad,

I think you'd better come talk
to Henry's mom.

Henry said she's trying
to cut down a -foot oak

in her backyard,
and she thinks the best type

- of chain saw to use is an electric.
- What?! I'd better get in there

and gently talk about the pluses
and minuses of that decision.

Hi, Moon. Hi, Beef.
Head on downstairs, hon.

I just dropped off
a tray of snacks,

and you don't want to get stuck
with the celery.

Celery sucks.

Okay, and, uh, Dad,
before I head downstairs,

just want to let you know
I may have told my friends

to tell their moms you'd like
to join their moms' group.

So have a great time and enjoy

and don't place me for adoption,
please. Farewell.

- BEEF: Hmm...
- Well, looks like your kid tricked you.

Come on in and don't worry...

we're tons of fun
on some ample buns.

So you...
don't need chain saw advice?

Oh, please. My dad was a
door-to-door chain saw salesman.

And let me tell you,
dragging a whole tree

to every house was not easy.
Come along, Mr. Beef.

- Hmm...
- Well, what are you waiting for?

You want me to carry you?
'Cause I will.

You're looking at the four-time
cow-carrying champion

of Fairbanks State
Veterinary College, Beef.

Uh-oh. Looks like
somebody dropped a sausage

- on the taco plate.
- Yup.

We've got a banana
growing on the papaya tree.

Ha. Um, yeah.

I am a man.
I am a man person.

Guys, stop teasing him.
Beef, we were very excited

when our kids told us you
wanted to join our little group.

Pull up a cocktail
and let me pour you a chair.

- Welcome to Moms' Night.
- Oh, good.

I love groups
and am very comfortable in them.

[clears throat]
Wonderful.

Beef, what are you drinking?
I've got it all.

Oh, and I've also got
some marijuana candy apples

from my sister
in Sant-o Barbara, Californi-o.

But proceed with caution.
I'm never having one again.

I took one last Wednesday,
and my hands

have just stopped feeling
like big spiders.

I guess I could have an alcohol.

- Now, where shall I sit? Here?
- What are... Why is he...

- What is he doing?
- [chuckles] What are you pointing at, big guy?

I don't... I don't know.
I'm panicking.

Marie? Make room for him
before he passes out.

We won't bite.
We have a few drinks

and we do a little embroidery.

Sit down, sip your drink,
goss your sip.

What do you know
that we don't know?

We can only talk about Nancy
Smith's bushes so many times.

By the way,
I'm Russell's mom Marie,

and I'm the only one
who actually embroiders.

These two are usually too tipsy
to handle yarn.

That's not true. I crocheted
an -foot-long Smurf

in a complete blackout once.

- What do you think?
- That's amazing. What is it?

It's two dolphins exchanging
birthday gifts.

- They're twins.
- Powerful stuff.

Well, I'm Carissa, Debbie's mom.

And, yes, I'm the one
who dated the janitor.

And I'm the one who hit

the school crossing guard
with my car. But she's fine.

Oh, I also hit her with
my fists. Now we're friends.

So, out with the gossip,
meat man. What you got?

Well, you said that
you have already discussed

Nancy Smith's bushes at length,

but let's be honest,
her hedges have not looked neat

- in a very long time.
- Oh, snap, Tobin!

- This kitty has claws.
- Meow?

Guys, come on. I told some
really dirty lies to get here.

- Let me see the sled.
- Actually, we were thinking we'd

do something different tonight,
like, uh...

- hit this pole with our hands.
- Wow!

Listen to that. Makes you think.

- Music is everywhere, you know?
- Remove the tarp, please.

Okay, Moon.
We'll show it to you,

but you have to promise
not to be a, a downer.

Since when am I a downer?

Remember when we built
that hot air balloon for my

Miss Piggy hand puppet and
you said it wouldn't work?

And what happened?
It didn't work.

Yeah, but it was fun
and it didn't work.

Guys, relax. I love sleds.

[sighs]
Fine. Let's show it to him.

See, over there
we have the toilet seat

that we're going to use
as a steering wheel.

It's made for people
with hemorrhoids, so it's going

- to feel really soft on our hands.
- And there's the engine.

A leaf blower?

And the airbag is
that bag of cheddar popcorn.

- This sled is... great.
- It's obvious you're lying.

Okay, fine! It's just...
that steering wheel is

clearly not actually going to steer,

the leaf blower will make
the sled go way too fast,

and the bag of cheddar popcorn
is not going to save your life!

See? This is why we didn't want
to tell you about it.

Sorry. I meant, I love it.

Moon, we want you to be here,
but you cannot be a bummer.

Okay. I can do it.
I can be fun.

Remember we went to Chuck E.
Cheese for my birthday party?

For a tour of the kitchen
and management offices.

We got to see
how the Cokes were made.

Okay, fine, I see your point.

MRS. TUNTLEY: So, Carissa, how
are things going with... Chumbo?

Well, at the movies, he said,
"My girlfriend would like

some cheese sauce for her pretzel."

MRS. TUNTLEY AND MARIE:
Aw...


So you two are both divorced?

Yup.
We're just a couple of D-bags.

I thought I was the only dad
here and the only divorcé.

Well, you seem like a great dad, Beef.

No one blames you
for what happened with Kathleen.

Yeah, it was tough when she left.

And it's been challenging being
a single parent ever since.

I'm not really much of a socializer.

The only parent friends
I've ever had

were some hummingbirds
that lived outside my window

with their hummingbird baby
for a while.

Before I started hanging out
with these two,

I spent a lot of time talking
to my bathtub reflection.

She's fun, but she's crazy.

As a single mom, sometimes
I feel like someone's always

asking me to take over flying
the plane at , feet.

And you have to get all the
passengers into their pajamas

and convince them to eat
the in-flight meal.

- Exactly.
- I always feel better when I talk

to the girls after a couple of
Dorothy's famous rum and pokes.

I hand you a glass of rum and
then I poke you in the shoulder

and tell you to get talking.

Well, maybe I'll come back
next week.

Ah, look at us...
a classic foursome,

- like Sex and the City.
- Or like those poor trash cans

in front of the Burrito Barn.

I'm the blue one.
She's super hot.

JUDY: Okay, everyone, I
have deeply investigated


this haunted pot holder situation,

and I believe your pot holder
is being haunted

by our ancestor Eugenia Tobin.

She was a suffragette who hated
traditional "women's work"

and was the first lady
to work at the docks.

And then she d*ed
when she fell into the oven

while trying to burn
her burlap pioneer brassiere.

[gasps] And now she's in
this piece of fabric?

- What a world!
- [chuckles] Well, she sounds very fun.

I'd love to pick
her ghostly brain.

Me, too.
And that's why I, AbracaJudy,

have decided
we must have a séance.

Uh, are you sure
you're up for a séance, Wolf?

What do you mean, Ham?
My husband loves haunted stuff.

Yeah. L-Let's have
that séance today-ance.

Wolf, no! We need special herbs
and a Ouija board

and themed snacks, like haunted
hummus and possessed pita chips.

Oh, and I'll bring
otherworldly onion dip

and some cursed crackers.

Maybe the ghost will eat
some snacks, too.

I would love to watch a
pretzel rod fly through the air

and then get chomped
by an unseen presence.

BEEF: I know this is very catty,

but Stephanie at the post office
said she had no tape

for me to use,
but behind her I could see tape.

Oh, Chumbo's been going to
the post office in Death Cliff.

That way he gets more time
with his fancy new snow machine.

He tricked it all out.
It has a new sound system

so we can go
on smooth jazz rides together.

Oh, that's so romantic.

You guys holding on to each other,
listening to Kenny G.

Jamie plays the flute
for Russell and I every morning.

Here's the snow machine
and here's Chumbo.

I know he's a bit of a wild man,
but my ex was a real drip.

Chumbo makes me forget
I'm a
-year-old lady

with a mortgage, a weak
pelvic floor, and a slight...

I mean teeny-tiny...
kleptomania problem.

- He sounds great.
- To Chumbo and Carissa!

[Beef sighs] Well, if it
isn't the famous Chumbo.

And it looks like he's fetched
a soda for Carissa.

He is complete BM..
boyfriend material. [gasps]

- Baby, you want a piece of ice?
- You know I do.

Give me that ice.
Give me some ice, baby.

BEEF:
Uh-oh. That's not Carissa.

He's the other type of BM...
bad man.

So, you saw your new friend
Carissa's dude kissing

- on another lady in a parking lot.
- Yes, and indulging in...

and pardon me for being
so graphic... "ice-play."

And you didn't call her
right away to tell her?

No. Carissa really likes this Chumbo,

and I don't want her feelings
to get hurt.

But imagine
how she's gonna feel

if she finds out he's cheating
and that you knew.

[groans] The thing is, back
before Kathleen and I split up,

my friend Gordon told me
he walked in on her and Marcus

making out in the bathroom
at the library.

And for some reason,
I felt mad at Gordon

and never talked to him again.

What if I tell Carissa,
and she gets upset with me

and kicks me out of Moms' Night?

No more bonding?
No more dirty mom-tinis?

No more insulting
Nancy Smith's bushes?

- Her bushes are so disorganized!
- WOLF: You know, I once had to tell

my friend Cheesecake that his girlfriend

took out a life insurance policy on him.

And at first
he thought I was just jealous

that they were spending
so much time together.

And I was.
But then he found a machete

under her bed
that had his name on it.

Yeah, she'd stuck it on there
with a Post-it note.

And once he saw that,
he understood.

Part of the reason
we're still friends today

is because he didn't get m*rder*d.

So you guys think the best
thing to do is tell Carissa?

- I do, Dad.
- Beef, yes.

I better give this a think.
Perhaps I'll make another canoe.

Dad, there are already seven
in the shed.

And three in the basement.

JUDY: It's time to put on
the ceremonial robes.

Aka our old karate gis.

JUDY: And now let
the rituals commence.

To the spirit who sings
a ghostly note,

come out, Eugenia,
and to us spoke.

Great rhyme, Judy.
The only thing ghosts love more

- than rituals are rhymes.
- Time for the next ritual.

Ham, did you bring the blood
for us to drink?

I didn't want to sacrifice
any animals,

but I did find
this Chobani strawberry yogurt.

It's kind of red.
And it has cow in it.

- Spooky.
- Let's pass it around.

Okay, well, I think tonight
I'll just head home, so...

- Get in here, Beef-butt!
- Oh, no, she saw me.

Marie made her Marie-garitas!

They have kinds of alcohol
in 'em!


[takes deep breath] And I am
going to need all kinds.

[robotically] How is
everyone this fine evening?

[laughs] Beef, why are
you talking like a robot?

BEEF: [quietly] Oh, no.
Ice.

- Oh, God.
- What is it, Beef? Do you have diarrhea?

Jamie always says "Oh, God"
when he has diarrhea.

No, it's... Carissa,

there's something
I have to tell you. I...

I saw Chumbo in
the Maude's All Day parking lot

sharing ice with another woman.

And then he shared...
kissing with that woman.

- [gasps]
- What?! Chum, no.

- I'm so sorry.
- [sobbing]

This is gonna be the best night
of our lives!

You know what? It was fun to let
go and enjoy making this sled.

Of course it was fun,

even though I had to hang out
with you guys.

If we break the sound barrier
on this sled

and you guys
can't hear me talking,

just know that
I'm calling you all losers.

[scoffs] I'm not sure
we'll achieve that exact speed.

- Moon...
- Sorry, I forgot.

Yes, we'll probably break
the sound barrier

- and Debbie will call us losers.
- That's more like it.

We're gonna go so fast,
it'll tear all of my hair off.

I've always wanted to be bald.

- Like Jamie.
- All right,

- we'll launch from here.
- MOON: Oh... no.

- Come on, Moon, get on.
- Guys, wait.

I'm trying really hard
not to be a buzzkill,

but I'm afraid that this sled
might be an us-k*ll.

- As in it might actually k*ll us.
- It's just sledding down a big old hill

- towards a frozen lake, Moon.
- Dread Sled or die trying.

Russell! Prepare to launch.

All right, buddy,
it's your time to shine.

This is why I brought you.

Okay, then at least
let me give each of you

a very big hug goodbye.

- Ugh.
- And a hug to you, Debbie.

- [groaning]
- And, Henry, also a hug.

And, Russell, one more hug.

And just, you know, I love you.

- Aw. I love you, too, pal.
- Moon!

I'm just gonna stay here
and practice fishing.

This attitude is exactly why we
didn't want to tell you

- about the sled.
- I know. I'm a downer.

And it's best that you
leave me behind and go enjoy

whatever our chaotic universe
brings to you this evening.

Turn the blower on!

- [whooping]
- [laughing]

- DEBBIE: What moron put that giant tree there?
- Oh, no!

[screaming]

Oh, my God, we could have,
like, really d*ed.

Like, a lot.

- Moon, you saved us.
- Thank you.

Just practicing my fishing,
like I said.

You do kind of burst our bubble
sometimes,

but it's smart of us
to keep you around.

- Thanks for being boring.
- Yeah. Sorry we left you out.

- It won't happen again.
- If you're so smart

at sleds like an idiot, you should
take a look at our bat-a-pult.

It's supposed to launch live
bats at our enemies' houses,

but the bats keep biting us.

[scoffs] Well, I can tell you
up front that the problem is,

you should not be near any bats
at any time.

- But have you considered rats?
- That's a thought.

And you all really, really,
really need to get rabies sh*ts,

like right away, like tonight.

BEEF: And if you don't want
to be my friend anymore


- because I told you, I understand.
- [sobbing]

I very much enjoyed my time
as one of the moms,

but I can leave now, and you can
again be a classic threesome,

- like the Rice Krispies children.
- Beef, no. You should stay.

We can't just let Chumbo
get away with this.

- Should we k*ll him?
- Yes.

Ah, I don't think
we should k*ll him.

But I may have a different,
also good idea.

Perhaps we show old Chumbo

that sometimes ice is a dish
best served cold.

If it's ice Chumbo loves
so much, let's give him

the biggest piece of ice
he's ever seen.

Oh, I can't believe
we're mischief-ing someone.

I've never mischief'd anyone before.

Oh, unless you count the time
I accidentally handed Jamie

the sugar instead of the salt
at the table,

and he ate sweet cod for dinner.

He loved it,
and now I make it once a week.

- There it is.
- Ugh! Looks like that thing did

a bunch of cocaine, then got into

an accident with
a disco ball on the sun.

And not the good cocaine.
That college cocaine.

He gave me this extra key
to his snow machine,

because in the event of his
death, he wanted me to strap

his corpse to it and light it
on fire with a flaming arrow

so he could ride it
into the gates of Valhalla.

Don't you mean
through the gates?

No. He said "into the gates."

Let's get it into the dumpster
over there.

All right, I believe a hose
is located just there.

- Got it.
- Great.

Throw it over the side.
I'm gonna duct-tape

all the cracks in the dumpster
to make it watertight.

Good thing I refreshed
the roll of duct tape

in my duct tape pocket
this morning.

Turn on the hose.
At the current temperatures,

the snow machine will be frozen
into a big block of ice

by the time Chumbo's finished
his Monster Energy Mojitos.

- It's the perfect revenge.
- Yeah. But I'm also gonna burn

his smooth jazz collection,
throw out all of his takeout leftovers,

and then just
absolutely destroy his dojo.

Oh, I feel so alive!

Should we all go to Dairy Queen
and get Blizzards?

- It's open until : .
- I don't see why not.

[laughs] We really are
a classic foursome,

just like the Little Women,

except we're big women
and I'm a man.

All right, now that we finished
that possibly very, very expired

Chobani yogurt/blood offering,

it's time to say the chant.

ALL: Double, double,
pot holder trouble.


Spirits speak
into earthly bubble.


- Aah!
- Holy hairspray!

The yogurt jumped
off the table by itself!

Oh, my God,
there's definitely a ghost here.

We must've messed up
the ritual and upset Eugenia,

and now she's attacking us!
She's going to k*ll us!

- [sobbing] Oh, no, no, no...
- Wolf, babe, calm down.

- Eugenia is not going to k*ll us.
- You can't stop her, Honeybee.

She's more powerful
than you could ever imagine.

- [Wolf gasping]
- Uh-oh, the ghost panic is back.

- Okay, let's get a chair behind him.
- Sit down.

- Drink.
- I don't think I can!

- I think I'm hyperventilating.
- Guys, what is going on?

Wolf's having a little
panic att*ck about ghosts.

This used to happen all the time
when we were kids.

One time he saw a napkin
blowing in the breeze

- and he threw up.
- But Wolf loves movies about ghosts.

Movies are different,

because he knows
there's craft services there.

To calm himself down,

he pictures a phantom eating
a turkey cheese roll-up.

- We thought he grew out of this!
- Me, too.

But it is happening!

Oh, no! I didn't know.
This is my fault.

The pot holder
wasn't actually haunted.

Eugenia wasn't moving it around.
It was me!

- [gasping] What?
- I was the one moving it around.

So you'd think it was haunted.
The first time

I genuinely had no idea
why the pot holder had moved.

But once I saw how excited you
were, I wanted to let you believe.

I hadn't seen you that excited

since we saw
Scream : Still Screaming.

[labored breathing]
Great movie.

- Neve Campbell is ba...
- Oh, no! He fainted!

- Nope. I'm here, baby.
- Oh, thank God.

Babe, I thought I lost you.

You didn't lose me.
I mean, sure,

my heart rate is probably
in the s right now,

but you creating
this scary experience for me

was still very thoughtful.
You're the perfect wife.

And you'll make
a wonderful ghost someday.

MARIE: That was probably the
most fun I've ever had.

- [chuckles] Me, too.
- Me, too.

Ooh, I just wish
we could have seen his face

when he found that ice-mobile.

[laughs] I'm guessing it
was a pretty angry face

based on all
of the text messages he sent me.

Suck on that, Chum-blow.

Look. He sent a picture
of it in the ice,

and a bunch of middle finger emojis.

And also the pray hands?
But I think that was a mistake.

Nice, nice, baby!

[laughs]
Crunch on that ice, bud!

Well, that was fun.

[sighs] But I guess I
am on my own again now.

You're not on your own.
You have us.

And Chumbo is a fool
for taking you for granted.

Thanks, Beef.
And just so you know,

- Kathleen was a fool, too.
- Oh. I wish

I had had you guys
to talk to back then.

Huh. I was
a little bit of a mess.

[chuckles]
Hey, speaking of messes,

have you guys seen
Nancy Smith's new flower beds?

Chrysanthemums?

More like
I'd-like-to-barf-on-'ems.

Damn, Tobin.

[all laughing]

♪ Hush, pot holder,
close your eyes ♪


♪ Daddy's gonna skank you
to sleep ♪


♪ Relax in your drawer,
feel the bass ♪


♪ Don't you make a peep ♪

♪ I'll tuck you in
under a warm dishcloth ♪


♪ You make me so proud,
I could weep ♪


♪ Your mama and papa
watch over you ♪


♪ You insulate our hands ♪

- ♪ From the heat ♪
- ♪ Too hot! ♪


♪ Hush, pot holder,
close your eyes ♪


♪ Daddy's gonna skank you
to sleep. ♪
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