08x03 - Samantha and the Loch Ness Monster

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Bewitched". Aired: September 17, 1964 - March 25, 1972.*
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Samantha falls in love with and marries Darrin Stephens only for him to find out that his new wife is one of a secret society of powerful witches and warlocks and that a twitch of her nose brings magic.
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08x03 - Samantha and the Loch Ness Monster

Post by bunniefuu »

[♪]

Hi, this is Elizabeth Montgomery

inviting you to stay tuned
for Bewitched.

[PLAYING SCOTTISH SONG]

[♪]

TABITHA: Esmeralda,
postcards from Mommy.

SAMANTHA:
Dear Tabitha and Adam,

this is a view of Loch Ness.

It's a large lake,
fed by the river Ness.

"Loch" is the Scottish
word for lake.

I knew that.

You did not.

SAMANTHA:
This is the home of the famous.

Loch Ness monster,

but more about him later.

The lake is near
a town called Inverness,

which is in Scotland.

We're here visiting a cousin
of your daddy's.

His name is Robbie
and he owns a small hotel.

That's where we're staying.

[WHISTLING]

Oh, oh.

That's all for now.
Love from us both.

[CLINKING]

Ah.

[WITH SCOTTISH ACCENT] Some
have meat That cannot eat.

And some would eat That want it.

But we have meat And we can eat.

And say "The Lord be thankit".

Time to feed the inner man, eh?

The inner woman is starving too.

You've got a bonnie wee
witch there,

Cousin Darrin, have you not?

Close enough, Cousin Robbie.

The salmon looks delicious.

Very expensive too, I might add.

If I was charging you for that,

you'd be paying
a pretty penny for it,

you can be sure.

Business has been very,
very bad.

Why is that?

Well, you've no doubt heard
of the Loch Ness monster.

He's the only tourist
attraction we have around here

and he's been a wee bit shy
these past few years.

With no monster,
Loch Ness is just another loch.

Robbie, has it ever
occurred to you

that the reason he's been shy

is that there is no
Loch Ness monster?

Nay monster?

It's that kind of propaganda

that keeps the tourists away,
laddie.

Fact is I've seen the beastie
with my very own eyes

and fearfully too.

[ROARING]

[PANTING]

Robbie. Robbie.

Darrin, get...
Get some water.

Darrin?

[♪]

Oh, my stars.

[ROARING]

Bruce.

Get back in the water.

You're making a spectacle
of yourself.

[ROARING]

I don't know where Serena is.

Now, get lost.

[♪]

[NARRATOR READING
ON-SCREEN TEXT]

[♪]

Darrin.

Darrin.

Robbie?

Robbie.

What...?
Happened?

You both fainted.

Are you sure of that, now?

Sometimes I doze off very,
very quickly

and it looks like I fainted.

No. You saw...

Okay.

I saw the monster and I fainted.

Did you see him?
Did you see him?

Yes. Cute, isn't he?

I gotta spread the news.

The monster's back!
The monster's back!

[♪]

I don't know which
was more shocking:

Seeing that monster yesterday,

or having Robbie treat us

to a champagne dinner
last night.

Which, if you'd have had to pay,
[HORN HONKS]

Would have cost you
a pretty penny.

What do you suppose that is?

[♪]

Looks like a mini-submarine.

A mini-sub with a maxi-captain.

Why don't we go down
to breakfast

and find out
what it's all about?

It's a braw, bricht day.

Good morning to you both.

Morning, Robbie.
Morning, Robbie.

Baron, Mr. and Mrs. Stephens.

The Baron von Fuchs.

He's here with his submarine

to take underwater
photographs of the monster.

[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]

[ANSWERING IN GERMAN]

[WITH GERMAN ACCENT]
The innkeeper tells me

you were this close
to the monster.

DARRIN:
That's right.

In that case, I will join you.

I would like to interrogate...

Uh.

Ask you some questions.

What does the monster look like?

Height, weight,

color of eyes, complexion?

Any distinguishing
characteristics?

How is he armed?

I thought you were here

to take photographs
of the monster.

That is only my cover.

Actually, Boyd's of London
Insurance Company

has a $3 million reward
for his capture.

And it would give me
great pleasure

to take money from the English.

Well, good luck.

But luck has nothing
to do with this.

What has to do with
this is strategy,

a trained regiment...

A crew and our secret w*apon.

You mean the submarine?

This is only
part of the equipment.

We do it with laser beams.

We divert the monster
from the front

outflank him from the side

and with our electronical
laser beam

we give him a good sh*t
in the rear.

He will be stunned
into submission.

Excuse me.

Uh, is there any danger?

To the crew, no.
To the monster, maybe.

You mean, there's a chance

he might be stunned
into extinction.

What has the monster
got to worry?

He can only lose his life.

I could lose $3 million.

I've just lost my appetite.

Excuse me.

Okay, Sam, what's wrong?

I just found the baron
very questionable.

Oh, come on, Sam.
He's a joke.

He's a monster-k*ller,
that's what he is.

Uh, sweetheart,
I have a little headache

and I think I'd like
to lie down.

Why don't you go for a hike
in the heather?

I'm not in a heather-hiking
mood.

The truth is gonna come
as a shock to you.

Try me.

The monster is not a monster.

You're right.
It comes as a shock to me.

His name is Bruce.

He's a warlock

friend of Serena's
from way back.

He adored her.

He was a sick warlock.

Well, she tried to maintain a...

She tried to maintain

a brother-sister
relationship with him,

but he turned into
one of those pests.

He kept hounding her,
day and night.

And?

Well, as she put it,

if he was going
to behave like a monster

he might as well look like one.

So she turned him
into a monster.

She turned him into a monster.

Serena's the only one
who can change him back.

Got to try and reach her.

I wish I'd taken that hike.

North, south, West and east.

SOS For the Loch Ness beast.

This, Serena Is a subpoena.

Well, you certainly picked
a rotten time.

Hi there, tall,
dark and nothing.

I was in the middle

of an archeological expedition

with the maharajah of Indipoor.

We were digging for diamonds
in his vault. Ha-ha-ha.

I'll send you back

as soon as you
take care of Bruce.

Bruce who?

Serena, you're in the town
of Inverness

on Loch Ness.

Bruce.

The ding-a-ling.
How is the little monster?

Well, he's in danger
of being captured.

Who'd want him?
Or being k*lled.

That I can understand.

He was never
that much of a pest.

Change him back.

Oh, very well.

I'll go down
and take a walk on the lake.

I'll go with you,
just to make sure you do it.

Whoa, nobody is going
lake-walking while I'm around.

We'll take a boat.
Poop.

Far enough, gondolier.

Okay, get going, Serena,

and don't waste
any time down there.

[LAUGHS]

Are you kidding?

I want to get back
to my diamond-digging

as quickly as possible.

[♪]

Bruce.

Bruce.

Bruce.

Heigh-ho, Brucey.

[GRUNTS]

You really should see
a skin doctor.

Oh.

Groovy little undersea pad
you have here.

[GRUNTS]

Excuse me while I dry off.

[♪]

There, that's better.

[GRUNTS]

No, thank you.

[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

Really, Brucey.

I just have to do
what I came to do

and then buzz off.

[GRUNTS]

Well, the scuttlebutt is

you're in danger
of being captured.

Sammy thinks you should
split this neighborhood.

The decision's up to you.
Yes or no?

[GRUNTS]

Then here goes.

Oh, it's so corny, I could die.

Monster, monster of the deep
Look into my eyes...

[♪]

And sleep.

When you awake
At the count of three.

The warlock, Bruce
Again you'll be.

One, two, three.

Oh. Oh.

Hands.

Shoes.

Oh-h-h.

Oh.

[GIGGLES]

You botched it.

I wasn't always this short.

Well, you haven't changed.
You're still a whiner.

Eh.

How do you like it?

How'd you get all
this stuff down here?

I have a little witch
in the neighborhood

who happens to care
a great deal about me.

Oh.

How is your mother?

[CHUCKLES]

I love when you insult me.

It's like old times again.

Can I offer you a little drink?

No.

Just say, "Thank you, Serena,"

and I will be on my way.

I'm not gonna say thank you

until you have
one drink with me.

Uh, aren't you gonna ask

how I've been doing down here?

How have you been doing
down here, Bruce?

Beautiful. I was taking
a medical course

and in a year from now,

I would have become a sturgeon.

[CHUCKLES]

I was just taking the course
for the halibut.

One more joke like that

and I'll see that
you finish the course.

So be it.

A toast.

I've been rehearsing
this for years.

Witch Serena Fair and sweet.

Oh, ha-ha, true.

I knew that once again We'd meet.

And I'd no longer Weep and wail.

Because my darling Has a tail

[SCREAMING]

You double-crosser.

Ta-ta. I'm off to find a...
A short girl

at the Warlock Club party
for singles over 2100.

Oh, oh.

Fink!

What's keeping her, Sam?

Maybe I ought to go below
and investigate.

Absolutely not.

She's probably down there

comparing notes
with a man-eating shark.

SERENA:
Ship, ahoy!

There she is.

[♪]

I got to admit,
she swims like a fish.

SAMANTHA:
Come on, Darrin, pull.

Pull.
I can't.

Kick your feet.

SERENA:
Don't touch me. Ow.

What's the matter,

haven't you ever
seen a mermaid before?

Yes, but only on a can of tuna.

[♪]

Talk about holding a grudge.

Oh, never mind, Serena, relax.

We'll think of something.

You already thought
of something.


Look at me.

Oh, I was doing so well
with my tap-dancing lessons.

Now what?
Get me back to the inn

and into a warm tub.

To the inn?

We can't take you back
there in your condition.

Well, what else can we do?

Throw her back in the lake?

Well...

You wait till I get
my powers back, buster.

I was just trying to be helpful.

Don't worry, sweetheart.

No one will see us go back
to the inn.

I'll just zap us to our room.

Don't touch.

[WHINING]

Serena, will you please
cover up?

What's to cover up anymore?

If you don't mind.

Serena, try to remember
Bruce's spell.

Maybe I can reverse it.

Well, it went something like:

Witch Serena Sweet and frail.

I'd like to grab you By the...

Oh, no. That's not it.
It's no use.

Why don't we have her filleted

and fried and put out
of her misery?

That's two funnies I owe you.

Sweetheart, why don't you go
down to the bar and relax?

We'll work this out.

That's the best suggestion
I've heard so far.

Okay, time's a-wasting.

We've got to get Bruce back.

He's the only one
who can help you.

And he's the only one who won't.

Well, we have to try.

Where did he say he was?

He said he'd be
at the Warlock Club,

a party for singles over 2100.

Let's see.

That's 36.6 degrees
north by northwest

on the cosmic continuum.

Warlock Bruce
Of Loch Ness fame...

Sammy.

If I hear another incantation,

I'm going to be sick.

Just turn on the power
and get him here.

You're right.

You realize
that you zapped me out

of the semifinals
of the tango contest?

I could have won.
I have a lovely dip.

Don't mention dip to me.

You poor dear.

Oh, you should be back
in the lake.

Your scales are shedding.

And as for you, Samantha,

I'm gonna report you
to the Witches Council

for the illegal use
of teleportation spells.

Oh?

Well, how about
your good deed for the day?

BRUCE: That's perfectly legal
under the Laws of Revenge,

article 33 B.

Well, how about
the Law of Mercy?

You said the magic word.
"Mercy."

I mean, why not?

We're grown-up,
decent witches and warlocks.

Mercy it is.

Let's see,
I was a monster for 40 years.

Forty years from now,
I'll be merciful,

but until then,
happy swimming, little mermaid.

I told you he was
a first-class stinker.

Mother always said
forgive and forget.

Never liked Mother.

Sam, Robbie's on his way...

Serena, will you
cover up your tail?

Uh, Darrin, this is Bruce.

Bruce, this is my husband,
Darrin.

Bruce the monster?

Eh, the former monster.
Want my autograph?

I'd love it, but later.

Sam, we've gotta clear the area.

Robbie's on his way up and he...

He's here now, Darrin.
Hi, Samantha.

Are you feeling
any better, lassie?

Miracles.

Europa Travel just called

and booked the inn
for a whole year.

Solid and glory be.

A television network
is sending a special crew

to televise the monster
in action via Telstar.

Telstar? Huh. Imagine that.

Hurry. Hurry now. Hurry.

Oh, well. I'll be getting
back to my dance.

Poor Robbie.
He's in for an awful letdown.

Not necessarily.

Samantha, I'm... I'm waiting.

I suppose the public would
be satisfied with a mermaid.

There's no substitute
for the Loch Ness monster.

Let's get at it, Samantha.
Back to my dance.

Introducing, for the first
time in any loch,

Serena, the mermaid.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, good thinking, Sammy.

Hold it. What do you mean,
"Serena the mermaid"?

Are you suggesting that a...
A mermaid can replace me?

I'll work up an act.
I can swim.

I can sit on the rocks
and sing the song of Lorelei.

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

And for an encore,

I can mess around
with the fishermen.

[GIGGLING]

Top that,
you silly little beast.

Hey, Serena, I didn't realize
you could do all that.

[GIGGLES]

I may even take over
your little underwater pad.

My place, huh?

Jacques Cousteau
could drop in anytime.

Hold it a minute.

The truth is I've always
been a bust as a warlock.

You're right, Serena,

I'm too short.

I've got a rotten personality.

I'm a pest.

But in that lake, I'm a star.

He has a point.

The little twerp.

That's me, a little twerp.

I'd rather be a big monster.

But what about the baron?

Oh, I can take care of him.

Send me back, Serena, please.

How can I, in my condition?

Oh. Sorry.

And now:

[ROARS]

Your turn.

My pleasure.

And I hope the German gets you.

[♪]

[♪]

Well, sweetheart,
you gonna miss all this?

Like I'm gonna miss
earthquakes and tidal waves.

[♪]

[YELLING IN GERMAN]

At ease.
Oh, well, thank you.

Uh, where have you been, baron?

In great danger
at the bottom of the lake.

That's where I've been.

Look what that crazy
monster did to me.

How did that happen?
I was in my little submarine

minding my own business,
on a search-and-destroy mission,

when he att*cked me
from the rear.

Two bites and no more submarine.

He ate it like it was
a piece of mackerel,

but how I escaped,
Himmler only knows.

I'm getting out of here.

Boyd's of London,

you can take the $3 million
in $1 bills and:

[SHOUTS IN GERMAN]

Wow.

Well, at least we know
Bruce can take care of himself.

Yeah, we'd better get back
to the inn and pack.

[BRUCE ROARING]

Oh, hi, Brucey.

[ROARS]

Really?

[SNARLS]

Oh, well,
I'm sorry to hear that.

[ROARS]

Why, yeah, sure, right away.

[ROARS]

You're welcome.
[ROARS]

Well, what does he want?

Well, it-it seems the submarine
didn't agree with him.

He wants me to get him
a case of bicarbonate.

[GIGGLES]

[♪]

[♪]
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