08x06 - Paris, Witches Style

[bunniefuu]

Hi. This is
Elizabeth Montgomery,

inviting you to stay tuned
for Bewitched.

[♪]

The Arc de Triomphe.

You know, we ought to
send the kids

some picture postcards
of the sights.

Good idea.

"Dear
Tabitha and Adam..."

Sam, what are you doing?

Just what you suggested,
sending some postcards.

I'd prefer you use
the regular mail.

When you're a witch,
that is the regular mail.

Yes, yes. It's a big doggy,
isn't it?

It's a big doggy and house.
That's right.

Oh!

Oh, how nice! Postcards
from your mama. Come on.

SAMANTHA:
Dear Tabitha and Adam,

we are now passing
the Arc de Triomphe,

which is at the other end
of the Champs Elysées.

You children have
a very thoughtful mama.

SAMANTHA: And here we are
at Cleopatra's Needle.

That's a big needle.
What does it sew?

SAMANTHA: This is the
famous Louvre museum.

It was originally built almost
900 years ago. Imagine that.

I don't have to imagine it.

I was there when they laid
the cornerstone.

SAMANTHA:
In front of the Louvre

are the beautiful
Luxembourg Gardens.

[MUSICAL CAR HORN]

That sounds like a visit
from your grandpapa.

You children stay here
and enjoy Mama's postcards.

Now, stay there.

[♪]

[MAN READING ON-SCREEN TEXT]

[♪]

[♪]

[♪]

How do you like it?

Love it.

Love Paris. Love you.

Oh, well, stay a while.

I can't.

I've got to run down
to the printer's

and pick up some artwork.

I'm meeting with the Europa Tour
people this afternoon.

I promised Larry I'd make a s*ab
at getting the account. Bye.

Darrin?
Hm?

Uh, I was thinking again
about, uh...

visiting Daddy.

Shouldn't we stop off
and see him in London?

Sure. When we go back to London,
we'll stop off to see him.

Well, it's only 45 minutes
by plane.

Now, honey, you know
I've got business here in Paris.

Your father will just have to
wait till we get around to him.

Bye.

[♪]

ENDORA:
Or until he gets around to you.

Mother, what are you doing here?

Don't worry. Esmeralda
is with the children.

This is a red alert.

Your father popped in back home
to see you.

Uh-oh. He knows we're in Europe.
How did he take it?

Oh, he was very calm.

The way Vesuvius was calm

just before it erupted
and buried Pompeii.

Oh.

Well, this is part work
and part vacation for Darrin.

Now, Daddy will just have to be
understanding and reasonable.

I've heard your father called
many things,

but "understanding"
and "reasonable"

were not among them.

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

[♪]

Here he comes.

And he looks mad.

Well, Daddy always was one
for dramatic entrances.

Endora. Pretty fast
for a witch of your vintage.

I caught a tailwind.

Well, I'd appreciate it if you
caught a tailwind out of here.

No, a mother's place
is by her child.

How are you, Daddy?

In excellent health, thank you.

Of course. He wouldn't have it
any other way.

Certainly not.

Let's not pretend
you don't know why I'm here.

Uh, look, Daddy.

I want you to know that Darrin
and I had every intention of...

MAURICE:
Silence.

I'm not blaming you.

On the way over,
I had time to think.

You are innocent.

It's that mortal
you're married to who is guilty.

He is the worm
in the apple of my eye.

That worm...

That man happens to be
my husband.

And he's kind, and he's sweet,
and he's gentle.

MAURICE:
Ha!

Gentle.

The gentle mind
by gentle deeds is known.

For a man by nothing
is so well betrayed

as by his manners.

Who'd you crib that one from?

Silence! I am rolling.

[♪]

Hath not a father eyes?

Hath not a father hands,
organs, dimensions,

senses, affections, passions?

If you prick us,
do we not bleed?

If you tickle us,
do we not laugh?

If you poison us, do we not die?

And if you wrong us,

shall we not revenge?

[MAURICE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Don't worry.
It's a dummy Darwin.

Not too different
from the real thing.

Farewell!

Bravo, Maurice!

Thank you.

Maurice, is that you?

Maurice, you look marvelous.

Naturally.

Have you any final words to say
before I zap you into outer...

Darrin, Daddy
is very angry with you.

And he has every right to be.

We should have at least
called him in London,

but, well, that would have
given away our little surprise.

And we wouldn't want to do that,
would we, sweetheart?

Uh, no, no, we wouldn't want
to do that.

DARRIN: Actually, we should've
called you while in London.

To pay our heartfelt respects.

But, now, we weren't
about to come empty-handed.

And to buy a gift for someone

with your exquisite sense
of beauty takes time.

And Pablo doesn't work fast.

Pablo?

Pablo. Picasso?

[♪]

Oh, what a remarkable likeness.

Yes, Daddy.

Mr. Picasso really caught
the strength of character

in your face.

Do you really think so?

Yes, I suppose he has.

SAMANTHA: And the look of
forgiveness in the eyes.

In those eyes perhaps,
not in these.

Maurice,
why can't you be gracious

and just say thank you
for the gift?

It's very hard to be gracious

when you've worked yourself
into a rage.

Frankly, I would rather
face your anger

than receive a compliment
from the Queen herself,

because an angry word from you

is a far greater
compliment than...

Go on. Go on.

I can't. I might sound
insincere.

Nonsense. The truth
never sounds insincere.

I think it would look fantastic
over the mantelpiece.

I ordered a halo,
but Pablo must have forgotten.

Let's not overdo.

The painting
is flattering enough.

Yes, a little
too flattering for my taste.

Eh, Dustin,
go into the other room.

I want to have a little
heart-to-heart talk with you.

I am honored, sir.

Daddy, what are you going to do?

Do you know? He's changed.

For the better, I hope.

In some ways, yes.

For instance, he has a keener
appreciation of me.

Yet, somehow I feel I've broken
the poor chap's spirit.

Oh, well, don't worry
about that.

He's very pliable.

Almost too pliable.
He needs straightening out.

[♪]

How long are you
going to keep this up, Mother?

For as long as Maurice
remains in residence.

Pull up a chair, lad.

Oh, yes, sir.

It's all very well
to appreciate your betters,

but you mustn't tear
yourself down in the process.

You have some redeeming
features,

no matter how miniscule.

I take that as a tremendous
compliment, sir.

It is not a tremendous
compliment.

As a matter of fact, it's
very close to being an insult.

Oh. Forgive me
if I insulted you, sir.

You did not insult me.
I insulted you.

Oh. Thank you.

[♪]

You're overdoing it.

Well, I'll try and turn
the robot down a bit.

Endora?

What is she doing here?

Mother just had to stop off
at her dressmaker's,

but don't worry
about the children.

Esmeralda's filling in.

Why is she keeping
her eyes closed?

Why not?
I've seen Paris.

Why don't you fix
yourself a drink?

Is that gonna help?

Let me put it this way.
It'll help you not care.

Experience tells me
it's time for a drink.

[WHISPERING]
One of them has got to go.

[WHISPERING] Get rid of yours.
Yours is easier.

All right.

What are you two
whispering about?

[♪]

Sweetheart, please,
I... I need your help.

For what?

You've got to help me
get rid of you.

What?

In spite of the fact
that you have...

[HICCUPPING]

Now the boy needs burping.

I'll get a glass of water.

Now, sweetheart, just trust me.

When you see Daddy,
don't act surprised.

Just be nice and go along
with everything he says.

Dustin?

Ah, there you are, my boy.

Yes.
Uh, here I am.

I see you needed something
stronger than water.

Uh, yeah, I usually do
in these kind of situations.

He has a headache.

Headaches give him
a terrible thirst.

Oh, yeah. Er, terrible thirst.

Feeling a bit better?

Mm-hm.

Uh, how about you?

I beg your pardon?

Well, I mean, uh,

you look as though
you're in good shape.

I am in no better or worse shape
than I was when I first arrived.

Strange that you should
comment on that again.

Oh, Maurice, leave him alone.

He forgot.

So...

Uh, been in Paris for long?

Methinks something is rotten
in the state of Paris.

This is no time for...

DARRIN:
This is no time for double-talk.

Now, then, let's sort
some things out.

When did you get here, Maurice?

When did I get here?

Have I heard correctly?

No. No, what he
actually meant...

Silence.

When did you get here?

DARRIN: Two minutes ago,
from a business meeting

with the president
of Europa Tours.

He was going to drop by here
in a little while.

Two minutes ago?
Endora, can you explain?

I refuse to answer

on the grounds
that it may incriminate me.

It was just an innocent,
little practical joke, Daddy.

I'll do the jokes around here,
young lady.

Look, I don't know what's going
on, and, frankly, I don't care.

I am here on business,
and in-between,

Sam and I are trying to see
the sights of Paris.

Alone.

Oh.

So you want to see
the sights of Paris? Alone.

Well, so be it.

No!

Oh! Oh, Daddy!

What did you do with him?

He's seeing the sights of Paris.

Huh?

Would you like to see him
seeing Paris?

[♪]

[GASPS]

Oh, my stars!

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!

[♪]

Endora, I'm really
disappointed in you.

If you wanted
to counterfeit the chap,

I should've expected
a little more subtlety.

It was subtle enough
to fool you.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.
I saw through him at once.

I was merely toying with him.

Why don't you go away

and toy with someone
your own size?

No. No, I'm going to stay
right here until they get back.

I want to have one final word
with Dobbin.

[♪]

Easy, sweetheart.

Well. Daddy, I thought
you would have been gone by now.

Of course.

I only stayed to give Dobbin
the opportunity to apologize.

Wha...?

You expect me
to apologize to you?

For what?

What's the difference?
Apologize.

No, I am sick and tired

of being the source of your
father's warped sense of humor.

Darrin!

Maurice, you have
turned me into a monkey,

a donkey, a raven
and a pair of old galoshes.

And why?

Because, in some ways,

I don't measure up
to your idea of a son-in-law.

Well, let me tell you something,
Maurice.

You leave a lot to be desired
as a father-in-law.

I'm glad you said that, Dustin.

Darrin.

I stand corrected. Sorry.

Dustin, what you have just said
so eloquently

convinces me that you're not
entirely lacking in character.

I like that in a chap.

Maurice, watch your temper.

It also shows spunk.

I like that too.

Another necessary quality,
however, is discretion.

The ability to restrain oneself

from committing insult
totally and beyond recall.

Although I appreciate a mortal
who speaks his own mind,

it is the height of insolence
to speak it to me.

Daddy, we'll be thrown out
of the hotel.

When I have finished,
there may not be a hotel.

Very good, Endora.
What have you done with him?

None of your business.
Endora!

Perhaps you frighten Samantha,

but you certainly
don't frighten me.

I'll find him.

[♪]

Mon général.

Ohhh!

You sneak.
You really did it this time.

Daddy, how could you?

Well, it does seem
rather a shame.

He was beginning to shape up.

You put him back
the way you found him,

or I'll never speak
to you again.

Temper, temper.

She inherits that from you,
poor child.

Oh, perhaps I was
a little harsh.

Arise, thou miserable mortal!

Never mind
the editorial comments.

Arise!

Oh, come on, sweetheart.
You can do it.

[♪]

Woe is me.
I gave him a powerful blast.

I don't think I'm strong enough
at the moment to bring him back.

You bring him back now!

You're a hard girl, Samantha.

Stand back.

'Tis is a far,
far better thing I do

than I have ever done before.

Oh, stop hamming it up
and get to it.

Oh, very well.

The spell of spells.

The incantation of incantations.

Gaze upon this creature
frightening.

Rise, thou mortal
who doth quiver!

That's an order.

Now, deliver!

I tried. I tried.
Devil knows I tried.

Well, at least, I've got
this thought to comfort me:

'Tis better
to have tried and lost

than never to have tried at all.

That doesn't comfort me one bit.

He's done his best.

I don't believe it.
I don't think he really...

ENDORA: Samantha, you show
a shocking lack of faith

in your progenitor's word.
He's done his best.

Now, you've just been running
around too much,

and your powers have waned.

You see, dear,
Mummy understands.

So, as a wife,

my duty is
to move back in with you

and nurse you back
to full health.

Move back in with me?
Oh, no, no.

No, no. No, I couldn't let you
make that kind of sacrifice.

I shall try to summon the last
bit of strength that I have.

Pull yourself together, man.

[♪]

Oh, sweetheart,
are you all right?

Of course.

I always get blown up
this time of day.

Darrin.

Mmm.

Daddy didn't want to leave
before he apologized to you.

Go ahead, Maurice.

Oh, very well.
Dustin, I apologize

that your abominable behavior
has so exhausted my patience

that I was goaded
into a slight transgression.

That's an apology?

For Daddy, it is.

Now, isn't this nice?

We're one big happy family.

Ha!

Omit the "happy,"
and you're near the mark.

[♪]

[♪]

[♪]

I remember saying to Oscar Wilde
once, and he quoted me well,

that children begin
by loving their parents.

After a time, they judge them.

Rarely ever
do they forgive them.

I forgive you, Daddy.

Good. I feel
my appetite returning.

How about dinner
over at Maxim's?

Lovely.
Terrific!

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[♪]

Who is it?

MAN Monsieur Sagan.

Oh, it's Sagan of Europa Tours.
I forgot all about him.

I wonder why.

Monsieur Sagan,
what a pleasant surprise.

I'd like you to meet
my wife, Samantha.

Bonsoir, monsieur.
And my parents.

[BOTH SPEAK FRENCH]

[SPEAKS FRENCH]

[♪]

Are they going to discuss
business before dinner?

Barbaric,
but it's the mortal way.

Monsieur Stephens,
how could you do it?

What did I do?

Oh, brother.

How can I entrust Europa Tours

to a company whose executive
would do a thing like this?

The top of the Eiffel Tower.
Why?

That's a very good question.

Uh-huh, and unless you can give
a very good answer,

our relationship is at an end.

Let me look at that.

Perhaps I can be of some help.

Eh, that's not necessary, Daddy.

Yes, it is.
I'm starved.

Bully for you, boy.
It's a splendid notion.

It is?
Oh, now, don't be modest.

Wasn't exactly my idea.

Always give credit
where credit is due.

I like that in you, boy.

Actually, we collaborated on it.

But examine this carefully,
Monsieur Sagan.

A tourist clinging to the top
of the Eiffel Tower

and underneath, the slogan,

"Europa Tours:
Towers above them all."

I like it. It shows
great imagination.

Well, that's what McMahon and
Tate is noted for. Imagination.

And no fear of height.

And now, Monsieur Sagan,
if you'll excuse us,

we must get ready for dinner.

Yes, yes, of course.

You will drop by the office
tomorrow to sign the contracts.

Fantastic slogan.

Pardon. Au rev...

[♪]

I don't believe it.

What's not to believe?
We always dress for dinner.

[LAUGHS]

[SPEAKS FRENCH]

[♪]