08x09 - A Plague on Maurice and Samantha

[bunniefuu]

Hi, this is Elizabeth Montgomery

inviting you to stay tuned
for Bewitched.

[♪]

Flowers, rise.

I said, "Flowers, rise."

Flowers, won't you please rise?

Is this some sort of a charade?

Oh, Mother,
am I glad to see you.

No, it isn't a charade

and you are looking
at one sick witch.

What's happened?

I've lost my powers.

Great Halley's comet!

I'll call Dr. Bombay right away.

Oh, don't bother.
He's been here and gone.

Well, how could you
get in touch with him

without your witchcraft?

Well, Esmeralda
was babysitting for me

and she contacted him.

What did Bombay say was wrong?

Nothing.

Samantha.

Well.

Mother, it's very difficult
to talk about.

Uh, Dr. Bombay gave me
a complete checkup

with his computerized hexometer
and couldn't find

a single, solitary thing
wrong with me.

Then how does he explain
the loss of your powers?

Well, Dr. Bombay
seems to think that...

He seems to think

that it's a manifestation
of molecular mortal linkage

caused by
a formation of polymers

and certain hydrogen elements

in a biological unity
of two or more dominant species.

Would you like me
to repeat that?

No, I got it.

Mother, promise you'll try
to control yourself.

Yes. Yes, I will.

It's the result
of your mortal marriage.

You got it, all right.

Mother.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

[WIND BLOWING]

Mother, you promised
to control yourself.

I did.

If I didn't,
this house would be in El Paso.

Have you told Durwood?

He merely pointed out
that millions of-of people

get along very well
without witchcraft.

And, well, maybe he's right.

Maybe I can adjust.

Maybe you could.

And I might even learn
to live with the disgrace.

But your father
is another story.

When he finds out,

I wouldn't give two kopeks

for Durwood's
continued existence.

Oh. And he's bound
to find out sooner or later.

[TRUMPET FANFARE]

[♪]

Correction.

He's going to find out sooner.

[NARRATOR READING
ON-SCREEN TEXT]

[♪]

[♪]

Mother.
Yes?

Wouldn't we stand a better
chance of avoiding an expl*si*n

if Daddy didn't find out

I'd lost my powers?

What are you suggesting?

Well, there's nothing wrong
with your powers.

[CHUCKLING]
Oh, I see what you mean.

Mm-hm.

[CAR HORN HONKING]

Maurice, what are you doing
in that absurd costume?

I'll give you a hint.

O that this too too solid flesh

would melt.

Thaw, and resolve itself
into a dew.

Going on a diet?

No, he's a Danish prince.

Or a Danish ham.

Endora, you have all the charm

of a tsetse fly.

All right, Yorick,
that will be all for now.

You may go.

[COUGHS]

Alas, poor Yorick.
He isn't well.

Samantha, my dearest.

Mm.

Endora, for you.

I know how you love to make
cutting remarks.

Oh, you're so sharp.

Well, Daddy,

I suppose
with your crowded schedule

you're on your way somewhere.

No, on the contrary.

I've decided to drop out
of the witches' race for a while

and spend a few days
with you and the children.

Oh, how nice.

By the by,

how is Adam progressing
with his witchcraft?

Fine.
And Tabitha?

She's doing fine too.

Has she flown yet?
Not yet.

Huh. It's obvious
her powers of witchcraft

are frustrated
with this mortal atmosphere.

As I recall, you were barely
3 when you first flew.

Oh, well.

Which reminds me,

do you remember
that charming little trick

you used to do
when you were a child?

Turning yourself
into a polka-dotted unicorn?

Remember, Endora?

Who can forget?

[CHUCKLES] She used to
butt me with her horn.

[LAUGHS] I'd dearly love

to see you do that again,
Samantha.

Well, I, uh...

[♪]

Okay.

Hm, doesn't look quite the same.

What's the difference?
A unicorn is a unicorn.

[♪]

What is going on?

Darby.

Are you still living here?

If you call this living.

What is this, who did it,
and how about getting rid of it?

Don't be a dolt,
this is Samantha.

It's a little trick she used
to do when she was a child.

You mean,
she got her witchcraft back?

Back?

Blabbermouth.

What is this all about?

Durwood, like the rest of you,

your timing is atrocious.

Samantha, is this true,
that you've lost your powers?

W... Well, yes, it is.

Sort of, in a way.

But not actually.

Samantha, why are you hedging?

Did I sound like I was hedging?

No, it's no use, Samantha.

You might as well tell him.

Yes, uh.

Darrin, why don't you go
and wash up before dinner?

I'm not hungry.

Something has taken the edge
off my appetite.

The lack of admiration
is mutual.

Daddy, how about a martini?

Let's not avoid the issue,
Samantha.

Samantha,
I've learned from experience

that circumventing the truth

is not the way
around your father.

Okay.

But, Daddy,
you have to promise me

that you'll think
before you react.

Promise? Oh...

Well, it's because
of my marriage.

Ooh.

[GRUMBLES]

Ah.

When I met you,

my first instinct was to turn
you into a leaping lizard.

I'm sorry I didn't obey
that instinct.

Daddy, you promised that
you'd think before you reacted.

I have thought,
and now I'm reacting.

Young man,
you are a leaping lizard.

Oh. Good heavens.

DARRIN:
That's funny.

I don't feel like a lizard,
leaping or otherwise.

[SIREN WAILING]

[GASPS]

Oh, Dr. Bombay.

Did you find something
that could help me?

No, but I've isolated
the bug you've got.

Bug?

The computer couldn't find
anything wrong with me.

I'm afraid that computer
has a few bugs of its own.

What you have is a rare disease
called perimeridictamitis.

I'm working on
the cure right now.

In the meantime, you must all
avoid direct contact with her

and above all,
no one must kiss her.

This might cause a complete loss
of his or her powers.

Make that "his."

Oh, Daddy, I'm so sorry.

Don't worry, my dear.

How long will it take you
to find a cure

for this perimeri...?
P...? P...?

Perimeridictamitis.

No way of telling.

Few hours, few weeks,
couple of months, few years.

Lucky for you,
I have a new assistant

who's on a fellowship
from Witches U.

Lucky for me,
she's not a fellow.

[LAUGHS]

Well, well, well.

If I didn't have scruples,

wouldn't I be in a lovely
position to pay you back

for all the nasty things
you've done to me?

Fortunately,
I don't have any scruples.

Darrin, be careful.

Young man, take my advice
and take her advice.

When the mighty fall,
the jackals come to call.

As poor old King Lear said

in similar circumstances:

Blow, winds,
and cr*ck your cheeks.

Rage. Blow.

You cataracts and hurricanoes.

Oak-cleaving thunderbolts...

I think now would be a good time
for me to go to wash up.

Come back.
I'm not through yet.

As far as I'm concerned,
you are.

Darrin, watch it.

Before you find yourself
in orbit

around the planet
of your choice.

Or you may turn into
a leaping lizard after all.

Daddy, what were you saying?

I was saying:

Oak-cleaving thunderbolts,
singe my white head.

And thou all-shaking thunder.

cr*ck nature's moulds,
that make ingrateful man.

Oh, Daddy, that is absolutely...

Rumble thy bellyful.
Sorry.

Spit, fire. Spout, rain.

I said I was sorry.

[♪]

[GROANS]

Good morning, Mother.
Did you sleep well?

Sleep? I was up all night.

Samantha, I'm worried sick
about your father.

We must be very kind
and considerate of him.

And above all,
let's not let him know

how concerned we are.
Right.

Sam, I'll have two
three-minute eggs and...

Oh, good morning, Endora.

Make that one one-minute egg.

That way,
I can leave the house sooner.

Durwood, I'm not in the mood
to bandy words with you.

Where is poor Maurice?

He's coming down. I had to show
him how to use my razor.

[GASPS] Oh.

The thought of Daddy
having to use a razor.

Oh, it's ill-making.
It's just ill-making.

That fine proud figure
of a warlock, reduced to this.

Good morning, all.
Good morning.

I've had
the most marvelous experience.

I shaved with a razor.

You know, it's remarkably
efficient.

And it gives one's skin
a bit of a tingle.

Mm.

Is that smoked pheasant I smell?

No. It's just ham and eggs.

Ham and eggs?

That sounds
a very intriguing combination.

Oh, Maurice, you don't have
to pretend with us.

We're your family.

Why don't you let me zap up
some pheasant for you?

Here, let me help you
to the table.

Endora, have you gone
completely batty?

Oh, I can't bear to watch this.

I just...
I just can't bear to watch this.

What ails the old girl?

She's a little overwrought
about your losing your powers.

Ridiculous.

What your mother doesn't...

What your mother
doesn't understand

is that this temporary
loss of powers

presents a unique
opportunity to me.

Opportunity?
Of course.

To find out
how the other half lives.

Well, that's a very
sensible attitude.

I'm glad you feel that way,

because do you know what
I've decided to do today?

Come with you to your office
to take a look around.

[COUGHS] Why?

I'm interested in knowing
what you do for a living.

Well, I'd like to oblige,
but I'm afraid I can't.

I beg your pardon.

No, I have to prepare
for an important meeting.

You don't seem to understand,
young man.

I'm not asking you,
I'm telling you.

You're the one
who doesn't seem to understand.

Without your powers, you have
no way of forcing me to agree.

Excuse me.

[♪]

Uh-oh.

I'm sorry,
but I just had to assert myself.

I know.

But asserting yourself
in front of Daddy

is not conducive
to continued good health.

What can he do to me now?

[♪] Oh, my stars.

You were saying?

[CLEARS THROAT]

H... How about coming down
to the office with me,

Maurice,
and having a look around?

Oh, Betty, there you are.

I'd like you to meet
my father-in-law, Mr...

Just Maurice.

How do you do?

Charmed, my dear.

What a lucky devil you are

to have such
an attractive amanuensis.

Oh, no, I'm just a secretary.

Yes, that's what I meant to say.

Hi, Darrin.
Oh, hi, Larry.

Uh, you know my father-in-law.

Oh, of course, of course.
How are you?

Going to a wedding?

No.
Oh.

M-Maurice just thought

he'd come down
to the office with me today

and sort of, uh, look around.

Yes, and so far,

what I've looked at
is most pleasing.

LARRY:
Uh, Benson's due any minute

and we still haven't
gone over these layouts.

Think this color match
is close enough?

Mm-hm.

"Benson's Chili Con Carne."

That's chili with meat.

Thanks for the translation.

Can I be
of any other assistance?

Well, if you really wanna help,

um, why don't you sit
right here at my desk?

Uh, Betty will give you
a pad and a pencil,

and if you come up
with any ideas

for a slogan or a campaign
for this chili,

just, uh, write them down.

But I've never tasted it.

Well, you don't have to taste
a product to sell it.

You don't?

[CHUCKLES]
That doesn't seem logical.

Logic has nothing to do
with advertising.

Suppose we step into my office?
Right.

Uh, just ask Betty, and she'll
get you coffee or anything.

[♪]

Would you like some coffee?
No, thanks.

But, uh, what comes under

the heading of "anything"?

[LAUGHS]

When do you suppose
that fool doctor

is going to come up with a cure?

Soon, I hope.

Although Daddy's attitude
is remarkably good.

Mm.
For him.

[SIREN WAILING]

Dr. Bombay.
About time.

DR. BOMBAY:
Hello?

Hello?

Ah. There you are.

Do you have the cure?

Yes, I've found the antitoxin
to perimeridictamitis

and here is the prescription.

The apothecary
will fill it for you.

I'll take care of it.

No, no. You'll have to zap
Samantha there.

The apothecary insists upon
examining the patient

before filling the prescription.

Why is that necessary?

Well, he claims that lately,
a lot of witches

have been given the wrong dr*gs
through sloppy diagnosis.

You're the only one
who treats witches.

Do you have to be
so blunt about it?

[♪]

Well, Bombay's done it again.

You mean,
his diagnosis was wrong?

No, he's right, and it's
the second time this year.

Well, that's a relief.

Now, how soon
can I have the antitoxin?

Oh, that's tough to say.
I'm a slow worker.

Except with a groovy chick
like you.

How's about a little kiss,
cutie?

Oh, come on.
Now, stop fooling around.

Who's fooling around?
I'm serious.

It gets kind of lonely here,
you know?

You know something?

Girls move a lot quicker
than they used to.

All right, you like to make
a little game of it, do you?

Okay.

Now... Now...
Now, look, um...

Why don't you tend to business?

This is my business.

The shop is just a hobby.

[LAUGHS]

[GASPS, COUGHS]

[COUGHING]

Um. You better give me
that prescription

before you have an att*ck.

Help me to that chair.

[GROANS, COUGHING]

Oh, before I catch you,
I've gotta catch my breath.

[SCREAMS] I've got you.

No.
[LAUGHING]

Where are your ethics?

Oh, let's see, now.

I used to keep them
up there on that shelf.

Now, look, once and for all,

will you give me that antitoxin?

Only in exchange for a kiss.

Would you settle
for a lukewarm handshake?

I want a kiss, a whole kiss,

and nothing but a kiss.

[GIGGLES]

Don't worry, honey,
I'll get your prescription now.

I just wanted
to refresh my memory.

Well, I think this one
really stirs the appetite.

Uh, a cowboy cooking
over an open flame

in the fresh crisp air,
and the copy,

"Out of the saddle
and into the chili."

Very effective, don't you think?

You really wanna know
what I think?

I think I know what you think.

Ah. There you are.

Oh. We'll be through
in a minute, Maurice.

Why don't you wait
in the waiting room?

But what about my suggestions
for the chili?

Hah. Not now.

W-w-wait. I'd like to hear
those suggestions.

I'm getting desperate.

I take it you're Mr. Benson?
Yeah.

Sir, you are to be complimented.

Your chili is delicious.

Thank you. That's already
better than what I've heard.

The mistake you made, Durwood,
was not tasting the chili.

He didn't even taste it?

Heh. The poor guy doesn't even
know his son-in-law's name,

so I wouldn't...
[PHONE BUZZES]

Excuse me.

[♪]

Now what?

Sam's in the outer office.

You'd better get her in here.

She's the only one
who can handle him.

Tell her to come right in.

MAURICE:
Sam, come in, come in.

Hi, Larry. Darrin.
Hi, Sam.

Hello, Daddy.

This is Mr. Benson,
Mrs. Stephens.

Oh, how do you do?
Delighted, I'm sure.

My daughter.
Oh. How nice.

Well, it appears
that this business meeting

is turning into
a family reunion.

Well, we are going to change it

back into a business meeting.

Come along Daddy,
I have your medicine.

Good, but first
I want to give Mr. Benson

my ideas on advertising
his chili.

Well, why don't you
take your medicine first?

I did, and I feel wonderful.

No, thank you, dear.
I think I'll go it on my own.

Mr. Benson, to be honest,

I'd never tasted chili before.

I'd understood
that chili con carne

was a very ordinary food.

I found it to be a rare treat,

a veritable gourmet dish.

Poor guy's lost his marbles.

He's got something
you haven't got.

What's that?
Class.

If, indeed,
it is thought of as ordinary,

all the more reason

for giving it
aristocratic appeal.

Oh, that a man's reach
should exceed his grasp.

Or what's a heaven for?

Robert Browning, right?

Precisely as I dictated it
to him.

Now, here's the sort of thing
I had in mind.

Picture
a very distinguished man.

About your height?

More or less.

An attractive man
of obvious breeding

seated at a table
set with fine china,

linen, and candlelight.

A butler offers him a dish.

He holds up his hand and says,

"Take away the caviar

and bring me
Benson's Chili Con Carne."

Oh, my, isn't that
an interesting approach?

Naturally, she'd like it.
I like it too.

That makes three of us.
Four with Darrin, right?

Right. Never underestimate
the power of my father-in-law.

I think he's hit on a theme
that just might catch on.

Might? My dear sir,

I know nothing
about advertising,

but I am an authority
on human foibles.

One of the most sensitive
of these is ego.

Strike a man there
and you touch home, believe me.

I believe you, I believe you.

You're one of the most
convincing people I've met.

Of course, you realize I did it
with no spell whatsoever.

No what?

What does he mean, "no spell"?

Well, he's just pointing out

that he... He didn't
have to use any tricks.

Right. Well, Sam,
I'm sorry you have to rush off.

Come along, Daddy.

Well, goodbye, all.
It's been charming.

And, Mrs. Stephens, you should
be very proud of your father.

I think he's dynamite.

Oh, I do too.

And I never know
when he might explode.

[♪]

Daddy, you sure
you won't stay for dinner?

No, thank you. My dear,

I want you to continue
practicing your witchcraft

in spite of what
this buffoon tells you.

Now, just...
Stop, Darrin.

Don't say anything
you might not live to regret.

Daddy, I appreciate the advice,

but it's rather hard to ignore
your husband's wishes.

It's not so hard, believe me.

Endora, I know that beneath
that cold exterior

there beats a heart of ice.

All this family warmth
is underwhelming.

Darby, I'm warning you...

Uh, Darrin, I need
some help in the kitchen.

Please.

Endora, I take my leave.

How about a real kiss
for your old flame?

Well, if he shows up,
I'll be glad to kiss him.

Come on, Endora, come on.

Stop pretending.

Well...

Sure, I'm grateful
to your father.

I just wish he'd stop
using me like a doormat.

Well, as long as he doesn't
change you into one

what difference does it make?

That man. That man.
Do you know what he just did?

What?
He kissed me.

Oh, how sweet.

Sweet? The wretch.

He hasn't taken the antidote,
and now I have the bug.

[LAUGHS]

Isn't that a shame?

Oh...

Darrin, this is
no joking matter.

MAURICE:
Yes, it is.

I saved half
of this for you, my dear.

After you sip,
how about a little sup?

I beg your pardon.

I was thinking of that little
place we used to go to,

on the Milky Way.

Daddy, what has gotten into you?

Oh, just some fond memories.

[♪]

Um...

Ciao.

Oh,

isn't that charming?

Just like anybody else's
mommy and daddy.

You're kidding.

[♪]