08x12 - The Eight Year Itch Witch

[bunniefuu]

Hi.
This is Elizabeth Montgomery,

inviting you to stay tuned
for Bewitched.

[SNAPS FINGERS]

[♪]

Okay, who's the wise witch?

DARRIN:
Sam, did you call me?

No.

What are these doing here?

I thought I left them
in my briefcase.

What would you like
for breakfast?

In fact, I'm sure I left them
in my briefcase.

Sam, did you...?

No, I didn't.

But I did.

Sam, since when
did your mother get the idea

that our marriage license
was her deed to my briefcase?

Is it wrong for a mother to try
to protect her little girl?

Mother, that's what I love
about your little visits.

You always bring
a ray of sunshine

into an otherwise drab
existence.

You're half right.

It certainly is
a drab existence.

Sam, I think
I'll skip breakfast.

[SCOFFS]

Endora.
Mm.

It's always a pleasure
to say goodbye to you.

Mother...

Now that you have invaded
our privacy,

would you like to babysit
tonight?

Oh.

Darrin and I are celebrating
the anniversary

of our first date.

Must you rub it in?

Don't you care
if Durwood's briefcase

contains a gaggle
of centerfolds?

Oh, Mother.

In advertising, beautiful girls
are merely tools of the trade.

How can a witch of mine
be so naive?

[ENDORA SOBS]

Mother.

What?

Models like that
are just routine.

Have you ever heard of a
syndrome peculiar to mortal men?

The seven-year itch?

Seven years marriage,
and it's off with the old

and on with the new.

In case you hadn't noticed,

Darrin and I have been married
for eight years.

You see?
Durwood can't do anything right.

He can do everything right.
I ought to know.

Lady, thou doth protest
too much, methinks.

Mother, thou doth
butt in too much, methinks.

Mother?

ENDORA:
What?

Are you going to babysit
with the kids tonight or not?

Of course, darling.
I'll be back in plenty of time.

NARRATOR:

[♪]

[♪]

[♪]

[CHANTING INDISTINCTLY]

Queevy, quavy, English navy
Stiglum, staglum, cat.

C-A-T spells "cat".

Ophelia, my sweet.

Come, catch a rat

Ophelia.

As a familiar, you shouldn't
have too much trouble

getting familiar
with a mortal dud named Durwood.

[MEOWS]

[♪]

No.

No.

No.

I'm sorry, gentlemen,
but she is just not here.

Mr. Burkeholder, we have to have
a cat lady on that tractor

before the regional convention
in Albany,

which, I hasten to remind you,
is tonight.

I must admit, we have seen
a lot of gorgeous creatures,

but I have not seen
that certain quality

we had in last year's cat girl.

[PHONE BUZZES]

Yes?
BETTY [ON PHONE]: Mr. Stephens,

there's a young lady
here to see you.

Not now, Betty.

It's another model.

I think
you ought to see this one.

Okay, send her in.

[♪]

Good afternoon.
My name is Ophelia.

A friend suggested I might
be perfect as your cat girl.

What's the trouble?

Cat got your tongue?

I don't know about you fellas,

but I... I think
we've found our girl.

She's perfect.

Well, I'll admit,
she looks good,

but shouldn't we check out...?
Darrin, we don't have much time.

And Mr. Burkeholder likes
what he sees.

So take Ophelia
down to the still lab

and get started on the photos.

But Larry, how can we be
convinced that she's...?

Just look.

Not at her, at him.

Now, that's pretty convincing.

Okay, Ophelia, first we've
gotta fit you in a costume.

While we're sh**ting the stills,

I'll brief you on tonight's
activities in Albany.

In Albany?
Mm-hm.

We're having the annual
sales convention up there.

I'll explain it to you as we go.

Why don't you try
leaning back against this?

Oh.

There.
Legs out?

Yeah, fine.
Okay.

That looks pretty good.

Okay, Chet, she's all yours.

Okay. Now,

watch the birdie.

Birdie? Where? Where?

Oh, right here.

Ooh.

[CAMERA CLICKING]

CHET:
Wow, that's it.

[HISSES]

[CAMERA CLICKING]

[♪]

Okay, that's it.

Well, Darrin,
you picked the perfect model.

Thank you.

Well, actually, she picked us.

Yes, thanks to Darrin.
Let's take a break.

Would you like
some cream in your coffee?

No, just cream.
I'm on a diet.

Ophelia. Chet.

Well, how's
the crash program coming?

Just great.
She's terrific, Mr. Tate.

Yes, Mr. Stephens gives me
a great deal of confidence.

Well, uh,
did Mr. Stephens

get the opportunity to brief you
on the convention tonight?

Oh, yes. I don't think there'll
be any trouble whatsoever.

Mr. Stephens puts me so at ease,
that his very presence

is all I need to overcome
any stage fright I might have.

Never mind, Ophelia.
You'll be just fine on your own.

On my own?
You mean you won't be there?

Well, no. You'll be
in the very capable hands

of Mr. Tate
and Mr. Burkeholder.

Oh.

I think I'm having
an att*ck of panic.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Tate,
but without Mr. Stephens,

I'm afraid
I'd make a mess of it.

I'd be as nervous as a cat.

Don't you worry your head
about it, Ophelia.

Darrin will be there.

Right, Svengali?

[CLEARS THROAT] Wrong.

Stephens, what gave you the idea

that you didn't have to go
to Albany tonight?

Yeah, where'd you get that idea?

Yesterday, when you told me

it wouldn't be necessary
for me to go.

Why would I tell you that

when it's been planned
all along?

All along?

Oh, I... I don't want to impose
on Mr. Stephens.

He's been so kind.

I don't want to inconvenience
him in any way.

Believe me, Ophelia,
it's no inconvenience.

I'll try not to trouble you
in any way whatsoever.

What really bugs me

is why I keep giving in
to Larry's ultimatums.

Larry's ultimatums
are merely a cry for help.

You know that,

and that's why
you're going to Albany.

So don't worry about it.

We can celebrate tomorrow night.

No.

I've got a better idea.

This stays here. I'll fly back
right after the banquet.

I can be home easily
by midnight.

We'll go out and have
a romantic, candlelit supper.

That sounds great.

We'll need a sitter.

You haven't let your mother
off the hook, have you?

Oh, no.
No, I'm sure she's still around.

Good. Tell her not to go away.
See you later.

Bye-bye.
Bye.

Oh, good heavens.

Well, did you get all that,

or would you like
an instant replay?

First he's hiding pictures.

Then he breaks a dinner date
to be with another woman,

in another city.

He will be back by midnight,

so you'll have to babysit
after all.

Oh, guess what.
What?

Brace yourself for a famous
first from Darrin to you:

Don't go away.

Ah.

[MEN CHATTING]

You couldn't have made
a more wonderful choice.

I declare, I don't know

who deserves the more credit,
you or Stephens.

Or me.
Oh.

Mr. Stephens
deserves all the credit.

Yeah, well, remember, Ophelia.
I'm right next door.

And I'm just down the hall,
in case you need anything.

And I'm on my way
to the airport.

I've gotta catch
the 11:00 plane.

Bon voyage.

Congratulations, Ophelia.
You were just great.

See you tomorrow, Larry.
Mr. Burkeholder.

Good night.
Good night.

Good night.

Ophelia, I know a nice little
restaurant just outside town

where we could go
for a nightcap.

Well, Mr. Burkeholder,
I'm a little tired.

All I want to do
is go and curl up and sleep

so that I can be bright-eyed
and bushy-tailed in the morning.

But you're bright-eyed
and bushy-tailed right now.

In the morning.
In the morning.

In the morning, what?

Good night.

Mr. Stephens' room, please.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

[OLDER VOICE]
Hello, Mr. Stephens.

This is Reservations
at Mohawk Airlines.

Your 11:00 flight for New York
has been canceled.

Canceled? Why?

We're completely socked in.

Socked in?

It's clear as a bell here.

Soup there, hm.

And we don't expect it to lift
until morning.

Yeah. Well, if it does lift,
will you call me right away?

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Meow.

Hi, sweetheart.
How'd it go?

Everything went great
but the weather.

The airport fogged in,
and, well,

I guess I'm stuck here
for the night.

Oh, well, sweetheart, you can't
do anything about the weather.

Maybe I could get a car
and drive down.

Sweetheart, that's ridiculous.
It's a three-hour drive.

I'll see you in the morning.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Well, mwah, love you.

Mwah, mwah.
Love you too. Bye-bye.

Let me guess:

Another excuse, another delay.

Darrin can't come home tonight
because the airport's fogged in.

Mother, you haven't,
by any chance,

been horsing around
with the weather, have you?

If anybody's been horsing
around, it's probably Durwood.

You didn't answer my question.

I did not horse around
with the weather.

Witch's honor.

But I'll give Durwood credit
for one thing.

He has no imagination.

What's that supposed to mean?

The weather
is so easily checked.

Mother, you're beginning
to bug me.

When are you ever going to start
showing some good sense?

[SIGHS] Mother,

would you like to look
at someone showing good sense?

Yes.

Okay.

Then take a look at me
not paying any attention to you.

I have an errand to run.

Ta-ta.

[♪]

Yes?

You called for room service,
sir?

Well, no, I didn't...

Oh, hello,
Mr. Stephens.

I thought you were going
back to New York.

Well, so did I,
but my flight was canceled.

Oh, isn't that a shame?
Were you ordering a nightcap?

No. I'm sorry,
you must have the wrong room.

Yes, sir.

Mr. Stephens, I can't tell you
how relieved I am.

About what?

Well, I am sorry
that your flight was canceled,

but it certainly is comforting

that you'll be here
for tomorrow's TV interviews.

I'm afraid I won't be here.

I'll be flying back
first thing in the morning.

Oh, um,

well, then maybe we can discuss
the questions tonight.

There are a few places I'd like
to scratch. I mean, cut.

Sure. Come on in.

Maybe we should have a nightcap.

Okay, I'll call room service.

No, no, no. I'll go get mine.
I have some.

Would you ring Mr. Larry Tate,
please?

[RINGING]

Hello?

Oh, hi, Larry.
I know I was leaving,

but the airport got socked in,

and I'm stuck here
for the night.

Uh, look, would you come over?

Why?

Well, Ophelia wants
to go over the material

for her television interviews,

and, well, the fact is, I...

I would rather
not be alone with her.

[LAUGHS]

I think we've got
a bad connection.

I thought
I heard you say come over

because you didn't wanna
be alone with her.

That's exactly what I said.

Darrin, you're not well.

I'll be right over.

Hello.

Oh, hi.

Thanks, Ophelia,
for bringing this.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Hi, Lar...

Uh, Larry.

Hi.

Ophelia, uh,
you remember Larry Tate.

Oh, yes.
How nice to see you, Mr. Tate.

Hi.

Ophelia wanted to go over some
of the questions she'll be asked

at the television interviews.
If they need a little, uh...

Larry?

Of course, if they
need a little, uh...

A little what?

Fixing.
[CHUCKLING]

If they need a little fixing,
who am I to argue?

To your very good health,
Ophelia.

I have a weather report
from Albany.

Fair and warmer and clear.

Mother, I'm sure if that's true,

Darrin has a logical answer.

Sure. And I'm Snow White
and the Seven Dwarfs.

Mother, I am going
to get Aunt Hagatha to babysit

while we go to Albany.

We? Why we?

Well, no matter
what the weather is there,

Darrin is lost in a fog,
and I wanna find out whose.

Present company included.

Well, if these changes
will make you happy,

we'll be glad to make them.

OPHELIA:
Thank you, Mr. Stephens.

Shall I make another drink?
Thank you.

I thought you'd never ask.

On second thought, Larry,

I can handle the rest
of the evening by myself.

Why don't you
run back to your room.

Why? I thought we were about...

I'll be glad to go to my room.

After all, two's company,
three's a crowd.

Larry, where are you going?

To my room.

What for?

I don't know. But I don't think
it was my idea.

As a matter of fact,

I think I'll have
that second drink.

But not before I take a nap.

All right. Come out, come out,
wherever you are.

I should've known:

Ophelia, doing what comes
naturally.

Samantha, how nice to see you.
You could've knocked.

Never mind about her.
What about him?

Caught in the act.

In what act?

If you don't know,
it's too late to teach you.

Ophelia,
would you care to tell me

who sicced you on my husband?

Your husband?

Oh, come off it, Ophelia.

I wanna know
what this is all about.

Samantha, you know that,
as a familiar,

I only follow orders.

Ah-ha.

Mother?

Are you the one
who let the cat out of the bag?

Well...

Endora, I'm not taking the rap
on my own.

If there's anything
I can't abide,

it's a stool pigeon.
I'm leaving.

Mother, you'll get yours.

[ENDORA LAUGHING]

Ophelia, are you going to tell
me what's going on,

or would you rather
I zapped up a hungry bulldog?

All right.

Endora, with your
best interests at heart,

merely wanted
to test your mate's mettle.

Darrin can handle himself,

as long as you don't pull
any hocus-pocus.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Oh, knock it off, Ophelia.

I know Darrin.
You're not his type.

You wanna make
a friendly wager on that?

No, but I'll make
an unfriendly one,

just as long as you let Darrin
act of his own free will.

All spells off,
and do your worst, Ophelia.

Darrin, may I call you Darrin?

Well, certainly.

I have a confession to make.

What's that?

I know it sounds silly,
but the truth is,

I've never met a man
who made me feel so secure.

I mean, so perfectly content.

Well, uh,
thank you very much. Heh.

I... I mean, uh, well,
that's very flattering, but...

Don't you find me attractive?

Oh, uh, of course.
Of course.

Uh, that's the problem.

That, and the fact
that I'm married.

[LAUGHING] I love married men.

I adore married men.

They're so... So...

Uh, married is what they are.

Oh, well, look at Larry.
I wonder what's wrong with him.

Oh. That was
a very refreshing nap.

I think I'll...

I'll have another one.

DARRIN: Ophelia, there's something
strange going on around here.

And no offense,

but I'm not waiting around
to find out what it is.

Uh, Larry? Larry?

Larry, I'm going to the airport
to wait for the fog to lift.

If you wanna sleep,

why don't you do it
in your own room?

Hm. I feel great,
so you just run along,

and I'll take care of whatever
problems Ophelia has.

Okay, Larry.
See you tomorrow.

So long, Ophelia.
Good luck tomorrow.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Well, I guess I'll have
that little drink.

Can I fix you something?

OPHELIA:
Yes, please.

Now what?

Ophelia, I know
this is none of my business,

but Louise Tate
happens to be a good friend.

On second thought, I'd better
be getting back to my room.

Of course, if you can't stay,
I'll understand.

You will?

Mm.

I wish you'd explain it to me.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Ophelia, my sweet,

what makes you second best
is you try too hard.

[HISSES]

Ta-ta.

[SNAPS FINGERS]

[♪]

Hi, sweetheart.
Hi.

Thought you were gonna
be stuck in Albany.

Well, so did I.

The darnedest thing happened.

I decided to go to the airport
to wait for the fog to lift

and when I got there,
there wasn't any fog.

I was gonna call you,
but I barely made my plane.

Oh, well, that happens
sometimes. The fog lifts.

That's not what happened.
There never was any fog,

which means somebody has been
horsing around with our evening.

I... I know. I know, sweetheart.

And she promised
she'd never do it again.

Promised whom?

You.

And the world.

Come on out back.

She said she'd have something
for you when you got home.

[♪]

Sam, you mean
everybody can see that?

Anyone who's looking.

I'm certainly glad your mother
can't remember my name.

Yes.

There are times when
it's a blessing, aren't there?

[♪]

[♪]