08x13 - Three Men and a Witch on a Horse

[bunniefuu]

Hi.
This is Elizabeth Montgomery,

inviting you to stay tuned
for Bewitched.

[SNAPS FINGERS]

[♪]

Sweetheart?
Mm?

What time's your lunch meeting?
At 1:00.

Hey, I better get going.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Oh, hi.

Oh, really?

Well, that's wonderful.

I'll certainly tell him.

Bye-bye.

Tell who about what?

You. About something
I don't think

you're gonna be too happy about.

You remember the tip
on those two horses

in the daily double that Abner
Kravitz gave you yesterday?

Don't tell me they won?

Okay, I won't tell you.

Uh-oh.

What did the double pay?

A bundle.

And he bought Mrs. Kravitz
a diamond ring

with his winnings.

Naturally, she couldn't wait
to tell me about it.

It's too bad that Durwood
is afraid to take a chance.

Then maybe he'd win a bundle
and get you a diamond ring.

Endora,

must you always inv*de our house
without warning?

Of course not.

ENDORA:
Watch out!

[RUMBLING, CRASHING]

Good morning, children.

Good morning, Mother.

Goodbye, Endora.

Mother.
Hm.

In answer to your question,
I already have a diamond ring.

Oh, really?
Then why don't you wear it?

I am wearing it.

Oh, there's the little fella.

Mother, you are not at your best
when you try humor.

Oh, Samantha,

I was just trying
to make a point.

Durwood is entirely
too cautious.

It's no wonder he stays
on his dreary little treadmill.

He'll never get anywhere

unless he's willing
to take a chance.

Mother, I am not going to argue
with you.

For two reasons.
First of all, it's useless.

Second of all,
I have a lot to do.

And the children are upstairs
if you want to say hello.

Mwah.

Oh...

NARRATOR:

[♪]

[♪]

[♪]

[CHANTING] By this spell
That's oh-so-droll.

You'll receive a gambler's soul.

Double, double Toil and trouble.

To Tabitha's room
For the daily double

Tabitha, would you like to play
a little game with Daddy?

Sure.

Okay, now,
you see this list of names?

You close your eyes
and put your finger

on the one you think
is the luckiest.

Then you do the same thing
with this next list.

Tomorrow we'll look and see
if you picked the right ones.

Okay?

No. Tell me again.

Forget it.

I think I'll go play with Adam.
He's easier to understand.

MAN'S VOICE:
Hey, buddy, come here.

Who's that?

Me, the hobbyhorse.

I'm a present from your
mother-in-law.

That loveliest of persons.

My mother-in-law, lovely?

Look, Mac, it's her spell.

You want today's daily double?
Get on my back.

What?

Why?

You got me. It's not my spell.

Okay, rock.

Rock?
Sure.

Why do you think
they call me a rocking horse?

Oh, that's nice.

Now, in the first race,
Baleful Bob is the winner.

And the second race?

Put your money on Don's Pawn.

Don's Pawn.

Ride a cock horse
To Banbury Cross.

See Darrin Stephens
Upon a white horse.

I... I, uh...

Well,
it looked a little unsteady.

I, uh, wanted to make sure
it was safe for the kids.

I thought you'd left
for the office.

How could I leave
when I'm still here?

Are you all right?
You look a little flushed.

I'm fine, I'm fine.

Uh, but I better get going.

I don't wanna be late
for my hunch.

I mean, uh, lunch.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Tabitha.

Tabitha?

TABITHA:
Yes, Mommy.

Uh, sweetheart,

did Grandmama come up to visit
you in your room this morning?

Yes.

Did anything, uh, funny happen?

Well, when she made
my rocking horse talk

it was pretty funny.

Terrific.

Is anything wrong?

Nothing that Grandmama
can't straighten out.

Mo...

[WHISPERS] Tabitha,

sometimes when I call Grandmama,

she doesn't want to appear.

Why don't you call her?

Okay.

Grandmama, please come.

"Never send a girl
to do a woman's work.

Your loving mother."

[POPS] Ah!

[LAUGHING]

[♪]

I'm glad you suggested
this place, Mr. Spengler.

The food is excellent.

Yes and quite reasonable.

You know, I'd really forgotten
how much fun a cafeteria can be.

Oh, incidentally,

my offer to flip you for lunch
is still good.

No, no, it's my treat.
I don't like to feel obligated.

Something else I don't like
and that's irresponsibility.

Where is this genius of yours?

Well, it's not like Stephens
to be late.

I'm sure he'll have
a reasonable explanation.

He'd better.

Thank you.

Hi, Larry. Mr. Spengler.

I'm sorry to be late,

but I got this terrific tip
on the daily double.

So I stopped at one of the
off-track betting places

to make a bet.

You're joking, of course.

[LAUGHS]

He's joking.

No, I'm not.

Will you take that thing
out of your ear?

Not now, Larry.
My first horse already won

and the results
of the second race are due.

Darrin, this is supposed
to be a business meeting.

I'll tell you what.
I've got $20 bet.

I'll give you each $5
of my action.

Thank you,
but I'm not a betting man.

Shh, I'm getting the results.

Well, this is ridiculous.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, you know
these creative geniuses.

They all have
a screw loose somewhere.

I hit it.
I won the daily double.

Paid $89.

That's 89 times 10.
I won $890.

Now aren't you sorry
you didn't accept my offer?

In about a minute,
I'm going to make you an offer.

To accept your resignation.

I don't know
what you're sore about.

I offered you each $5 of my bet.

It's not my fault that you lost,
uh...

$222.50 each.

We're going to lose
a lot more than that

if we don't
get down to business.

Stephens, where'd you get that
tip on the daily double?

Yeah,
where did you get that tip?

Well, I have
an absolutely unbeatable source.

I'm not a betting man,
but this is very impressive.

Yes, very impressive.

But, uh, let's get back to our
business discussion, shall we?

I've got a better idea.
Let's get back to my house.

What for?

That's where my source is.

I think it would be better

if we went directly
to the nearest psychiatrist.

I wouldn't mind
placing a small bet.

Neither would I.

As I say, I'm not a betting man,

but this is one time
business can wait.

Now you're talking, sport.

Oh!
Oh, uh, sorry.

Mother.

I know you've been
horsing around

with a spell on Darrin.

Or should I say
"hobbyhorsing around"?

For the last time,
will you please show up?

Where have you been?

Hovering.

I was waiting to give you
the price on the daily double.

[GASPS] For your information,

Durwood won $890.

You tell me the last time that
dimwit made that kind of money.

Mother, you know perfectly well
that fixing races is strictly...

I did not do any fixing,
Samantha.

I did a little predicting.

Okay.

You know perfectly well
that predicting anything

is strictly
against witch ethics.

And you know perfectly well

that with mortals,
anything goes.

It's also against mortal ethics.

Which is further proof
of Durwood's lack of character.

Anyway, Darrin isn't entitled
to that money.

He won it through witchcraft.

Oh, well, if that's
your attitude...

That's my attitude, all right.

And I would very much appreciate
it if you would pop upstairs

and take the spell
off that hobbyhorse.

And when Darrin comes home...
[DOOR OPENS]

There are nine horses
in the seventh race.

Oh, great,
that's 9-to-1 odds.

Is that the way they figure?

Oh, I don't know.

What's he doing home so early?

If I know these greedy mortals,

you're about to see
three men on a horse.

Mother, do something
about that hobbyhorse, please.

Ooh, very well.

Come on in,
make yourselves comfortable.

I'll get in touch
with my source.

Oh, hi, Sam.

Hi, Samantha.
Hi, Larry.

Mr. Spengler,
meet my wife, Samantha.

How do you do?
How do you do, Mr. Spengler?

Sam, I won the daily double.

I'd like to talk to you
for a minute.

Well, we're in kind of a rush.

I have to talk to you.

Do you mind if we do it
on the way upstairs?

Excuse us.
Certainly.

Mother?

I wonder where she went.

Darrin, I don't think
that's gonna do you any good.

Mother promised she'd take
the spell off that horse.

Don't say that, Sam,
even in jest.

Okay, I want the winner
of the seventh race.

HOBBYHORSE:
In the seventh race,

put your money
on Count of Valor.

Well, so much
for Mother's promises.

Darrin, try to control yourself.

Use your willpower.

It won't do any good.

It might.

What odds will you give?

I've got to find my mother,
the fink.

Um, okay,
what about the eighth race?

In the seventh race, put your
money on Count of Valor.

What's the matter with you?

This is a recording.

I'll have to be satisfied
with one sure winner.

Win a few, lose a few,
eh, Irving?

[LAUGHS]

With what I won
in the daily double,

and counting my original bet,

I've got over $900
in my account.

I'm gonna put half of this
on Count of Valor.

How much do you fellas want?
Well, I don't know.

How come you only got one race?

I told you,
that's all my source gave me.

Don't know how much time I have.
Put you down for something.

Darrin, wait.
I can't now.

But... But, uh, Darrin...

Darrin, listen.
Darrin, please.

Darrin, I... uh.

I wish you'd think this over.

Every one of these handicappers
picks Count of Valor on top

but only if you turn
the paper upside down.

Sam, the rocking horse knows.

A rocking horse
doesn't read the paper.

Look at what this fellow says
about Count of Valor:

"Couldn't b*at a fat man
up a hill."

Now, doesn't that make you
wonder about your source?

It's the same source
that gave me the winners

of the daily double.

But a source can dry up

or even get mad.

Hello, I'd like to place a bet.

My account number is A231.

My code name is Dog.

And so's your horse.

Yeah, I'd like to place a bet
in the seventh race at Aqueduct.

[SIGHS]

Got to find that woman
I used to call Mother.

[DOOR SLAMS]

I hope he doesn't make
too large a bet for us.

[LAUGHS]

Okay. We're all set.
I put you down for 2 apiece.

Two, that's all?

We came all this way
and you only put $2 down for us?

No. Two hundred.

Two hundred?

Darrin, isn't that an awful lot
of money for such a long sh*t?

Well, I'm down for 400.

If you don't wanna bet 200 each,
I'll take your action.

But don't forget what happened
at lunch today.

I'll take the 200.
Me too.

I think they broadcast the
feature race on TV on Saturdays.

Maybe we can watch it.

Yeah, there it is.

Let's drive down to the
off-track betting station

and watch the race.

That way we'll be
closer to our money.

Oh, that's a good idea.

Oh, great. Let's hurry.

Sam, we're going back downtown
to watch the race.

You wanna come with us?
No, thank you.

I'm still looking
for you-know-who.

Well, see you later.
Mm.

Bye, Sam.
Goodbye. Good luck.

Mother?

Mother, I may be
sticking my neck out,

but if you don't show up
this minute,

your grandchildren
are gonna be off-limits to you.

There's no need for you
to stick your neck out.

Where have you been?

Oh... around.

I thought you said
you were gonna do something

about that rocking horse.

I did.

That's what I was afraid of.

Did you feed Darrin a loser?

That's what you wanted,
isn't it?

You said
he didn't deserve the money.

I agree. He doesn't.

So I arranged
for him to lose it.

That's logical, isn't it?

Logical and mean.

Yes. Isn't it?

Mother, you're right
about Darrin.

He's only losing the money
he won earlier.

But what about Larry
and the client?

They don't deserve
to lose $200 apiece.

And they'll just blame Darrin.

Oh, what a shame.

But you know very well
we can't tamper with the future.

Hm. I know.

Maybe I could give that horse
some encouragement.

Uh, Mother, would you mind
staying with the children?

Where are you going?

I think I'll pop down to the
track and find that horse.

And try and talk a little
people sense into him.

[SNAPS FINGERS]

[NEIGHS]

Shh.

Sorry, fella.
Now, you just calm down.

Just calm down.

Now, listen,

I'd like to have
a little talk with you

and, uh, maybe I should fix it

so that, uh, you can have
a little talk with me too.

Oh. Now we can communicate.

Say, how did you do that?

I'm a witch.

Oh, sure, and I'm Pegasus.

Well, if you were,
you might move a little faster.

You ought to be ashamed
of yourself.

You haven't won a race
in over a year.

Well, who needs you
to remind me?

Why haven't you been winning?

I'm not as dumb as I look.

You see, if I keep losing races,

how long do you think it'll be

before they put me
out to pasture? Huh?

[SNICKERS]

If I'm lucky,
this will be my last race.

But what about your pride?

Do you know what those
handicappers

have been saying about you?

Why... Oops.
Looks like we've got company.

[WHINNYING]

Hi, there.

Who were you talking to?

This horse.
Oh.

You usually talk to horses?

Well, yes.
When I bet on them.

You put money on this nag?

Shh.

Don't say things like that
in front of him.

You'll hurt his feelings.

Ma'am, if this bangtail
had any feelings,

he would run away.

If he knew how to run.

[WHINNYING]

See? He resents that.

That's more action
than he shows on the track.

If Count of Valor
doesn't win any races,

are you gonna
retire him to pasture?

More than likely
retire him to the glue factory.

[NEIGHS]

Well, I have a feeling

the Count is gonna make an
all-out effort this afternoon.

Aren't you?

[NEIGHS, GRUNTS]

I wouldn't be surprised

if he ended up
in the winner's circle.

I think he does understand you.

Of course he does.

[GIGGLES]

You want me
to walk you to the paddock?

[NEIGHS, GRUNTS]

Hey, Mac.

Yeah.

You want a tip on a sure thing
in the seventh?

Count of Valor.

[♪]

ANNOUNCER [ON TV]:
The horses are at the gate.

Now, that's
a good-looking horse.

This is not a beauty contest,
Darrin.

Hi.

Hi, Sam.
What are you doing here?

Don't get up.

So you changed your mind, huh?

I was in the neighborhood.
I thought I'd drop by.

It is now post time.

Sam, what do you think?

The odds on Count of Valor

have dropped
from 30-to-1 to 5-to-1.

Really? That groom
must be a real blabbermouth.

Who?
ANNOUNCER: The flag is up.

[BELL RINGS] There they go.

Count of Valor,
dwelt at the start.

It's Sirocco going
to the front, Mail Bag is...

What's "dwelt" polite for?

Left at the gate.

Well, at least he's going
in the right direction.

ANNOUNCER:
Count of Valor is trailing.

It's Sirocco...

Stephens, are you sure
you got the right horse?

He'll catch up.

Only if they race to Albany.

Where is our horse?
I don't see him.

For $200, you'd think
you'd get a look at him.

And Count of Valor still trails.

There he is.
Isn't he cute?

I think we've been had.

Exactly what I've been thinking.

Give him time.

He doesn't have any time left.

Sweetheart,
if that's the way they feel,

why don't you
let them off the hook?

Okay, you're off the hook.

Well, I don't want you to feel...

No need to apologize.

See you back at the office,
Darrin.

Aren't you gonna stay
and see the end of the race?

And Count of Valor is far back.

It would be kinder
not to stand around

and watch Darrin lose his money.

Goodbye, Sam.

Indian Red is fourth
and Count of Valor...

Don Pedro moving up
on the inside.

Now Count of Valor
is beginning to move forward...

There he goes! I knew it!

Count of Valor
is moving forward.

It's Mail Bag in front.
Blue Coat is second.

Indian Red and Don Pedro.

And here comes Count of Valor
on the outside.

Here's Mail Bag, Indian Red,

and in the middle of the
racetrack is Count of Valor.

Indian Red, Mail Bag,
Count of Valor on the outside.

Count of Valor gets up
to win it by a head.

Indian Red is second.
Mail Bag is third.

Sam, do you realize
I just won $4000

and Larry and Mr. Spengler
just blew $1000 each?

Oh, well, if you're lucky
they won't find out about it.

Did you see that horse run?
Yeah.

Did you see him
come out of nowhere?

He ran like...
Well, he ran like, um...

Like he was running
for his life?

Yeah.

[♪]

[♪]

Sweetheart, I don't blame you
for being angry at Mother.

But she did take the spell off
and you did win a lot of money.

That's not the point.

Okay, then why don't you give
the money to a worthy charity?

That way, Mother will have done
her good deed for the week.

Are you sure you don't mind?
Mm-mm.

[CHUCKLES] But Mother will.

You've convinced me.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, hi, Larry.
Hi, Sam.

I was just driving by and...
Hi, Darrin.

Hi, Larry. How are you?

Fine.

Uh, how's Mr. Spengler?

Not so fine.

He found out that our horse won.

He did? How?

They must have leaked it
to the newspapers.

You know how he is about money.

And, uh, well,
he feels you tricked him.

Well, that's ridiculous.

Of course it is.
You both said you wanted out.

I know.

But with a client
you can't always be rational.

Actually, the way
Mr. Spengler put it

is that he doesn't understand
racetrack jargon.

So when Darrin said he'd
let him off the hook,

it didn't mean a thing to him.

Larry, what are you
trying to say?

That in the best interests

of preserving
the Spengler account,

it would be propitious of Darrin
to restore Spengler's bet.

That's what I thought
you were trying to say.

So when do we get our money?

Did he say "our money"?

That's what I thought I heard.

Well, you're certainly going
to give an old friend

more consideration than a mere
passing client.

You must be kidding.

Sweetheart, you are in an area
where Larry does not kid.

But I...
So in the best interests

of preserving
a beautiful friendship,

and your job,
I think you should agree.

Sam,

it's people like you that make
me proud to be an American.

Gee, thanks.

You're welcome.

[♪]

[♪]