Life's a Breeze (2013)

[bunniefuu]

( Radio playing in background )

- What do I get out of it?
- Emma, you don't get

to ask that question
at years of age.

You have duties,
live with it.

Why do I have to go
before and after school?

Emma's dad: Yeah, why does
she have to go before and after?

Because Mom is and not
quite the full shilling anymore.

Emma's dad: Whoops!
Calculator in the corn flakes.

God, just bring her her bloody paper

and milk and stop moaning
about it, will ya?

Once I get some
new stock I'll be fine.

- The problem's just cash flow.
- Just get it from the bank.

Michael: They're not lending.

You can't all go on borrowing
money from me indefinitely.

Emma's dad: Mmm,
from us indefinitely.

Margaret: From me indefinitely.

- Mom!
- Margaret: What?

I don't have time to make
you gourmet lunches, Emma.

This is embarrassing.

Just take a bite
of the banana

and then
a bite of the bread.

That's what
we used to have.

- You tell her.
- Last time, I promise.

And what happens when
you can't pay me back?

- I'll pay you back.
- ( Margaret sighs )

I'll have
to give you a check.

- What?
- She's old and weird

and only ever wants
to argue about things.

Can't argue with that.

Thanks, sis,
you're a lifesaver.

Your mom is well able
to look after herself.

She could come and live
with us instead.

Do as your mother
tells you.

No.

(keys jingle)

( clattering )

(coal rattling in bucket)

( Sighs )

(bucket rattling)

Nan: Thank you, dear.

Emma: You're welcome.

Colm: Mom!

Mom!

Come on, Mom,
will you help?

Ask her where's
my birth cert.

What's he
looking for now?

- Birth cert.
- Colm: Where did you put it?

( Panting )

I mean it's not like
they don't know who I am.

I've been going down there
for nearly twenty years.

I collect once a week.

I sign on once a month.

I mean, they have
my signature.

They have my picture!

And what the hell is
an annual review?

They never used to have
annual reviews.

How can you live
in this chaos, Mom?

Tell him to take his time
and he'll find it.

I mean, who uses a birth cert
for anything anymore anyway?

I'm gonna be late.

They're gonna make me do
a whole new application.

Then they're going to start
trying to train me to do things.

( Groans )

Come on, where did you put it?

- You put everything--
- He's not used to being up this early.

Colm: Come on, Mom,
will you help?

I'm gonna lose me welfare!

Colm: Did you put it
in a drawer?

Will you help me?!

Mom!

( Chattering )

♪ (instrumental music playing) ♪

(chiming)

Man: Des?

- No job?
- Des: Don't tell Mom.

Don't mind her.

If she'd listened to us and sold
the house during the boom

we'd all be in the south
of France by now.

- Hiya.
- Not you too?

They cut me down to two days
at the groomers.

Don't tell Mom.

Here, go on, will ya?

- Huh?
- You're next.

Relax, I'm talking here.

Just get a move on,
ya bleedin' culchie.

I'm not a culchie.

Emma: Nan?

( Footsteps )

( clock ticking )

Nan?

( Door creaking )

( slams )

- Nan?
- ( clock chiming)

(bell tolling)

( passes gas )

Nan!

Huh?
( breathing )

( knitting needles clicking )

( clattering )

Eight bags, that's the lot.

Nan: Emma?

Check that this is on right.

A hundred and sixty, there,
please, Annie.

- (tapping )
- They're safe enough there, love.

Night, girls.

( Exhales )
Jesus!

It's colder than
a Norwegian's tit.

- Oh, lovely, Colm.
- What?

Did you put your rent
in the jar?

Yes, I did.

I don't know what you
need money for, anyway.

I need you
to do us a favor.

Take Nan for a day out
somewhere.

Okay?

Why?

You can't tell her.

Fine.

I'm going to clean up
the house.

Does my mom
know about it?

I'm going to get her
to help me.

I just need to know
we have our decoy first.

- Fifty.
- Are you f*cking serious?

Take it or leave it.

Get her out early
and back late.

And don't let on now.

Emma: Can I not just want
to hang out with my granny?

Nan: I've been
on the dart before.

Your granddad took me
out to Bray

when they opened
the line.

Nineteen eighty-four.

Anything from the last century
doesn't count.

Will I be back in time
for Joe Duffy?

I dunno. Is he coming
to the house?

( Sighs )
On the radio.

- Two o'clock.
- We definitely won't be back.

(sucks teeth)

Are you cold?

No, I'm all right.

But you're a bit cold,
aren't you?

I'm grand.

Just say you're cold.

But I'm not.

- Just say it.
- I'm freezing.

Don't worry.

I have just
the thing for you.

Emma: What do you think
happens to you when you die?

Nan: I don't think
anything happens.

Maybe coming back to life
as someone else,

like the president
or some famous singer.

Or a handicap
or a homeless person.

No.

Or you come back
as Colm.

Aw, wreck the head.

Something better
than you are now.

No such thing.

Okay.

Me...

except... I'm younger

- and I can fly.
- Seriously.

It's not a conversation
to be taken seriously.

Reincarnation is serious.
A lot of people believe in it.

More wishful thinking.

- ( Door opening )
- ( Nan sighing)

- Surprise!
- ( yelping )

(laughing)

It's not my birthday
until next week.

Special treat, Mom,
ahead of your birthday...

full house makeover.

What?

Colm: Everything of worth or
sentimental value has been cleaned.

Everything else has been repaired,
replaced or upgraded.

Fresh as a daisy.

( Chuckles )

New toaster,
new kettle.

I cleaned the cooker.

New digital TV service...

No more crappy picture quality
and you can record on it.

It's like watching it
back live.

( laughing )
And, drumroll please...

- All: Whoa-aaa!
- ( cheering )

Giant basket for your wool!

Oh, look.

We put these
all around the house.

Keep the old-folk stink away.

Colm: Come on, Mom.

New table.

And you can see yourself
in the mirror now.

Nan: Where's everything gone?

Three hundred and eighty-six
true crime novels,

forty-six phone books,
twenty-two years of newspapers.

Calendars, birthday and Christmas cards,
knitting patterns.

Seven million Chinese
take-away menus.

Eight million bus tickets.

School books, first year
leaving certificate, - .

All sorts of other junk, too.

All gone to recycling.

Come on.

Ta-dah!

New shower curtains.

Handles in the bath.

- Oof!
- Oh, here.

We cleared out some of
the old furniture in my room.

Oh, some nice
improvements in there.

In case you ever wanted
to rent it out or whatever.

Nan: You planning
on moving out?

Colm: No plan, no,
but just in case.

Keep your eyes closed, okay.

Annie, you get the lights.
Straight across, okay.

Don't open your eyes, Mom,
wait for the big finale.

Wait... okay.

Ta-dah!

New curtains,
new carpet.

Best of all, no more
smelly old mattress.

Brand-new bed,
lkea's finest,

memory foam,
orthopedic.

Best night's kip ever.
We both got one.

Where's the old one?

Oh, yeah. We cleared out all
the crap from under the bed.

You can see right through
to the other side.

Have a look!

Much better feng shui!

(all laughing)

Where's it gone?

Mom, you don't have
to worry about it,

- that's the point.
- Where is it?

Why do you
want to know?

Because all my money
was in it.

Are you sure?

Yes, Colm, I'm sure.

How much?

Nearly a million.

(all laughing)

I tell you what, Mom,
you can still nail a punch line.

Yeah, me small wit.

A million bedbugs.

A million euros.

Ah, pull the other one,
would you?

How would you get
a million euro?

Selling off the garage
at the end of the garden,

rent from
the basement flat,

my inheritance,

whatever your dad
didn't drink,

savings from teaching
and my pension.

Not quite a million,

but fifty year's savings
adds up.

( Scoffs )

If you did have
the money, Mom,

why didn't you put it
in the bank?

Have you not been listening
to the news?

It was safe here.

You could hold it
in your hands.

I didn't know you idiots were going
to come along and throw it out.

Margaret: You don't think
she's serious, do you?

She looked
very serious to me.

It went out the front
with the rest, didn't it?

- Yeah. Did the charity take it?
- Des: No.

Margaret:
How can you be so sure?

They don't take beds
or bedding.

- So it's gone to the dump?
- Well, what did it look like?

- What color was it?
- What did it look like, Mom?

- It was blue.
- It was cream and blue...

with the letters A-Q-P
printed on it.

It went out
with everything else.

Who was the van driver?

Just a lad I know.
He drinks up in the hill.

- Ring him.
- I don't have his number.

Oh Jesus, Colm, you and your
bloody schemes.

I told you to organize
a professional waste service.

Wait a minute.

Whoever we gave it to would
have taken it away the same.

In fact, if they were professional,

it would already
be incinerated by now.

The guy I got to do it is
probably up in the pub

with everything still sitting
in the back of his van.

Emma: Where are we going?

Come on, come on.

Emma:
Where are we going?

What about Nan?

- Margaret: I'll take her.
- Come on.

Come on.

( Car engine starting )

Margaret: To be honest, I'm not sure
I believe any of this.

I mean, you must have changed
your mattress over all those years.

Four times.

When the euro came in,

I took pounds to the bank
every day for six months.

And when were you
going to tell us

about these extensive savings?

I wasn't going
to tell you.

It must be a wind-up.

Maybe she's in shock after we
threw out all her junk.

Can you actually imagine

if there was a million
euro in it? Ha.

Jim? Arthur in?

Yeah, he's sitting there.

( TV playing )

See if we can grab his keys
from on the bar.

- Was he there?
- No.

Might have gone out
for a smoke.

Didn't see him outside.

Jeez, that's brutal,
isn't it?

- Three-nil.
- Yeah.

Give us a packet of them crisps
there, will you, Jim?

What do you want
Arthur for?

Nothing.
Just looking for him.

Aw, f*ck it, Jim.

Colm: Bollocks!

Arthur: What the hell
are you doing?

- Get out of that van.
- Sorry, Arthur.

We threw out something
that Mother wanted to keep.

We thought you might
still have it in the van.

You'd want to wise up.

Sorry.

Where did you dump it?

Aw, come on, man.
I apologized, okay?

Gimme me keys.

Where did you offload it?

The recycling depot
in Ring's End.

Okay.

Okay, great.

Thanks, Arthur.
Cheers.

Colm: I'll make it up to you!

I'll buy you a pint, right?

- Colm: Should we climb over?
- Des: What if there's a guard dog?

Colm: Why would they be guarding
a load of rubbish?

Annie: It's worth a lot.
You'd be surprised.

Colm: They sell it
to the Chinese.

Annie: I wonder how much
they pay for old mattresses.

Margaret: Well, are we going
to do something or what?

- Des: I'm not getting over that.
- Colm: Needn't bother.

Everything's cleared. They must
have already sent it on.

Where, Colm, to where
have they sent it?

Colm: Some sort
of sorting facility I suppose.

Margaret: You suppose.

Colm: I'll go in and talk
to them in the morning.

- Colm: Monday morning.
- Margaret: It's a bank holiday.

Colm: Tuesday morning.

Don't worry,
Colm will find it on Tuesday.

Colm is sick.

He couldn't find
a wife or a job.

How's he going to find
my life savings?

- ( Clanging )
- Des: All right, go on!

- He will.
- Mmm.

Colm: Oh, oh!

- Colm: God help me!
- Annie: I'll hold you.

Colm: Get your hands off me arse.

- Des: Do you want help or not?
- Colm: Bollocks!

( Clock ticking )

(snoring)

( Sighs )

I hate Sundays.

Man: Why do you
want it back?

It's got sentimental value.

Dad used to sleep
on it with her.

Oh.
Happy memories, huh?

Just let it go, love.
It'll be filthy by now.

It'll be no use to you.

Yeah, she's superstitious, too.

Probably easiest
just to find it.

Oh.

Well, if you put it
in the right container,

It's probably gone to landfill
via the depot by now.

People put mattresses

all over the shop here.
Rubble, timber,

damaged furniture,
pre-loved furniture.

Reusable.

Either way it's probably
gone to the landfill.

I thought this was
a recycling center.

It's practically impossible
to recycle a mattress.

They're indestructible yokes.

You put them
in the shredder...

and they're likely to pop out
the other side intact.

The pickarinos try to get the steel
out of the springs sometimes,

but it's just not
worth the effort.

Well, where the hell
do we start?

Gerry!

If it did go to the landfill,
how would we find it?

- Jump up and down.
- Pardon?

Well, you wouldn't
be able to see it

'cause they cover everything up
really quick.

Unless they leave the corner
sticking up or something.

But you can usually
tell by the feel of it

there's a mattress in
the ground 'cause it's soft, springy.

( laughs )

Starts right over there.

Just gotta go in.

There's this whole section here.

That's all fresh stuff
just coming in now.

So, see,
if we go up to the office...

Lift up that brown one.

- We're trying to lift it.
- Just push it.

Yeah.
f*ck off.

Kids: Whoo!
Trick or treat!

(firecrackers popping )

All: Awww!

. ( Ghostly moaning )
- Arrrgh!

( Sighs )

( distant kids chattering )

( distant shouting )

( kids shouting )
(firecrackers popping )

Boy: What are you looking at?

Child: What are you doing?

( Cheering )

( Sighs )

Where's that county map?

I'm going to start
looking up landfills.

Some kids just robbed
the shed out of the garden.

( Groans )
Let them have it.

We never used it
for anything anyway.

Look, I know the scene.

There is probably about a hundred
of the little f*ckers.

I'm not going to go after them,
take it off them,

then try and drag it back up
the street and over the wall,

with them all chucking stones
at me and calling me names.

Just let them do
their gathering.

- Colm: Stop!
- ( kids shouting )

Colm: Wait a second, you!

Guys?

Stop!

Hey! Hey! Hey, did yous take
a blue mattress from outside?

Boy: Shut up, you!

Look, come here , I don't
care about the shed.

Did you take a mattress
from down outside?

Boy: Do you want a dig
in the head, do you?

Come on, lads.
Come on, lads!

Come on, boys!

Quick! Quick! Quick!

( Kids cursing, shouting )

(firecrackers popping )

Here. Did you see anyone
put a mattress in there?

Woman:
Here, take your hands off him!

Mary, some f*ckin' weirdo's
at your son.

No, no, no.

Woman: Mary!

Boy: Look here, mister.

I'll knock the bollocks off you!

You pedo!

I'll tear strips off you
and feed them to the dog!

It either went in the fire
or went in the recycling.

Unless that fella
in the pub

didn't send it
to the recycling.

What?

- (fireworks pop )
- ( kids cheer)

If he was lying.

About what?

Sending it
to the recycling.

Colm: And why'd you
think that?

Nan: Well, you could sort
of tell, couldn't you?

Colm: Well, why didn't
you say anything?

Nan: You never listen
to me anyway.

Colm: Jesus.

Annie, I'm borrowing the car.
I'll drop it back to you later.

( huffs )

Colm: I've got the keys.

Eh, come on, get in.

Ah, for flip sake,
a ball.

Here, hold that.

Go on, you get in.

(grunts)

You didn't go to the recycling
center at all, did you?

Tread lightly, Colm.

How much do they
charge for a van?

Colm, you gave me quid
to get rid of it for you.

That doesn't buy you the right to ask
how I can make that profitable.

I'll give you another if you
tell me where you dumped it.

What do you want
to know so much for?

Because the thing's
had sentimental value.

It just looked like
old rubbish to me.

Fifty.

You're showing
your hand now, Colm.

How much do you want
to tell us where it is?

Well, that's a big question,
me dear.

I think maybe
knowing Colm as I do,

he wouldn't be this motivated
to look for something

just because his poor old Mommy
had some sentimental attachment.

I'd say you've thrown out
something of monetary value.

A ring maybe, in a drawer?
An antique?

And you're willing to pay up
to nearly that value

as long as it's still an oyster
laying there for you.

So, until you tell me
what's up there,

I can't give you
a price now, can I?

- Up where?
- Tsk, tsk, tsk!

Why don't you think
about what your price is

and we'll call you
in the morning.

Hold on a second,
he's just taking--

Shut up, Colm.

Okay?

Yeah.

Call me in the morning
and we'll work it out.

I'm going to call you
at : in the morning, Arthur.

You better answer.

Colm: What the hell are you doing?
You totally let him off the hook.

Nan: Oh, Jesus, Colm, can you
not do anything right?

You should stay out of it.

I could have done
a deal with him.

Nan: Huh. You have
your dad's brains.

That's the best
I can say about you.

I think I'll keep the car
till the morning, will I?

I don't fancy walking home
from Annie's now.

- We're not going home.
- We're not?

Do you see
that white van?

Yes, I see the white van.

I see that van
in my sleep.

I'm fecking haunted
by that white van.

Follow it.

Mom, you're a genius.

How did you cr*ck that?

After so many years,
I've gotten to know

how opportunistic chancers
like that think.

Like Colm.

( Engine starts )

( instrumental music playing )

(whistling )

Where the hell's
he going?

Lovely friends you have, Colm.

This is where you go to bury a body,
not dump old furniture.

I hate Halloween.

We have him now.

The dirty, lying head
on you, Arthur.

People are going
to hear about this.

Relax, will you?
I was just worried somebody

might have overheard
us in the pub.

How would ya
know where to look?

Eh, everybody dumps sh*t
along this stretch.

There were a load of gypos
made a mess of it.

Emma: It's not here.

So it's a mattress
you're after?

Where's the f*cking
mattress, Arthur? It's not here.

What?
Was there something in it?

- Money?
- Where did you put it?

I threw everything out here,

yours and another load.

Definitely some mattresses in it,

but it's all been moved around.

Maybe the gypos were
rootin' through it,

or the corpo took it.

They'll be up in the morning,
we should ask them.

How much was in it?

Arthur, if you
ask me that again

I'm going to punch you
in the face.

Do you believe in hell?

I do.

It's living with Colm.

( laughs )

Colm: That's a f*cking
bed bottom, sure.

(clinking)

What are you doing?

(grunts)

Can you even drive?

Oh, I drove your
granddad's car a few times...

- on Dollymount Strand.
- ( starts engine )

Emma: Take that, Colm,
you dope!

( Fireworks whistling )

Hi, Mom!

- Colm: Hi, Mom.
- Say hi, everyone.

- Colm: Hello!
- Hello!

Annie: Oh, look,
there's Michael.

I don't think I've ever seen
those gloves on him before.

- ( laughing )
- Margaret: And here is Colm,

lifting... lifting a box!

- It's a box of wool.
- Colm: It happens to be heavy.

It's a heavy box of wool!

You're not supposed to be
lifting anything. Here.

( Crashing )

Margaret: Jesus, Colm!

Don't just feck it
into the box!

You're supposed to wrap
and pack, wrap and pack.

Michael:
Oh, it's a teasmade!

- Des: Oh, Jesus!
- ( glass shattering )

- Colm: Your side now, Des.
- Des: Yeah.

- Colm: Easy. Easy!
- Des: Sorry about that.

You're not directing it, you're
either helping or you're not.

- I'm helping!
- Margaret: Oh, come on.

Oh, for f*ck sake, seriously,
what are you doing?

Just checking me teeth.

Margaret: Cleaning your teeth?

Yeah, no, I--
Yeah, I understand that,

but how many mattresses
can you get in a day?

( Doorbell rings )

And do you recycle?

Hi, uh, just wait a sec.

What's the area that you cover?

Mom, do you have money
for the pizzas?

- I never ordered pizzas.
- Colm did.

- Well, let Colm pay for them.
- He's on the phone, I think.

- He'll be down for you in a minute.
- Okay.

He gave me
percent off vouchers.

He said get one of yous
to pay for the other half.

The other half?

Cheeky bollocks.

What are yous doing?

We're just...

Planning something.

What is it,
a treasure hunt?

Excuse me.

It's a family matter, okay?

Can you wait out
in the hall, please?

Yeah, okay.
Sorry.

Annie: Jesus.

Colm: (on radio) Hello?

We're going to have to start
being more discreet about this.

- Shush!
- Don't shush me, Michael.

(volume increases )

Colm: ( on radio ) I thought
it might have been burnt,

but I went around this morning
and there's no sign

of any mattress springs
or anything,

so it's out there somewhere.

- What's he doing?
- Joe Duffy: Colm, can you--

Colm: Dublin Corporation said
they might have cleared it

to landfill,
but it's impossible to know.

Duffy: So, it's a blue mattress?

Yes, Joe, cream and blue,
and we'll pay a reward

of , euro to anyone
who can help us find it.

- Margaret: Colm, hang up the phone!
- Des: Colm!

- Margaret: Hang up the phone!
- Duffy: Hello?

Colm, are you still with us there?
We seem to have lost Colm.

Hello, Colm? He's gone.

Colm: It was the best idea
any of us have had.

Why don't you ask someone before
you do these things, Colm?

It's all of our money in that
mattress, it's not just yours.

- Des: Idiot.
- Colm: Don't call me an idiot.

Michael: Oh God, would you
listen to this?

Man: Why would I give
this fella back that money

for grand when
I could just keep the lot?

If it's in the tip,
it's finders keepers.

Duffy: Ah, now just hang on
for two secs.

This is his elderly mother's
life savings we're talking about.

You wouldn't just keep them
for yourself, would you?

She didn't find it necessary
to spend it before now.

What's changed?

I've been out of work
for nearly two year, Joe.

I've got two kids to feed,
me wife's on disability

and I've got a gas bill
that's going through the roof.

A million euro for putting
a peg on me nose?

Yes, please.

Des says there's only six landfills
that it could be in.

So if we do one a day,
do them well,

worst case scenario is
we'll have it in a week.

It's better that
you're here, Mom.

You know what it looks like
on a subconscious level.

You'll probably see it out of
the corner of your eye.

I think you should have to
search these places by yourself

for being such a dope.

You're some cheeky little wagon,
do you know that?

I mean, where do you get off calling
me a dope at years of age?

She's .
Don't talk to her like that.

Thirteen and she thinks
she knows everything.

God, this looks busy.

( People cheer)

sh*t.

Bollocks.

( Sighs )

( crowd chattering )

Man: That mattress has
my name on it.

I'm not going home
until I find that money.

There he is now. Ah.

Buy him an old pint there,
Jim, will you?

Sure didn't he
throw it all away.

Give us your autograph
on that, will you?

( laughs )

Around a million euro.
What?

Girls: Why didn't you
check the mattress?

Um, what if someone
robbed it?

We've all been following
the story this week

of the missing mattress with
a million euros stashed in it.

People up and down the country

have been eagerly searching
their local dumps

in hope of finding
Mrs. Annie Small's loot.

Annie's been good enough
to join us

in The Late Late Show
audience tonight.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Annie.

( Cheering )

It's also a big week
for you birthday-wise.

What age are you going
to be tomorrow?

I'm going to be .

( Applause )

Well, the good news
you'll be delighted to hear

is that in a poll
on the R.T.E. website

ninety-one percent of people said
that if they found the mattress

they'd settle for the reward
and give the rest back.

( Cheering )

- ( horns blowing )
- ( banging piano keys )

- ( doorbell rings )
- ( screaming )

Hey, pizza guy!

Come in, have a beer.
Don't be shy.

- Close the door.
- What's that?

- ( Doorbell rings )
- Open it, Mom.

- Huh?
- It's a wool winder.

( Chuckles )

(whispers )
Hurry up, he's here.

Yeah, okay, I'm coming,
I'm coming.

Forty-fifth-- Oh, jeez.
One, two, three, four...

You look lovely, Mom.

Well, you gave me a little bit
of notice this time.

Yeah, we didn't think you
needed any more surprises.

( Siren blaring )

( clears throat )

- Where is the fire?
'(Pops)

( laughing, cheering )

I hear there is
a smoking-hot lady in here

in need of a good hose.

- Man: Over here!
- ( laughing )

Oh, yeah!

Come here, Annie.

Mmm, you dirty little minx.

- ( laughing )
- ( dance music playing )

( cheers, hooting )

- Ahhh!
- Nan: Oh, Jesus.

Ahhh!

- Whoo!
- Look at.

Whoo, yeah.

Whoo whoo whoo!

( Squeals )

Fire!

Fire! Fire!

All:
Fire! Fire! Fire!

Fire! Fire! Fire!

Ahh. Ohh.

Oh, Jesus.

( All chanting )
Fire! Fire! Fire!

( Cheers )

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Mom ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Fire safety first.

That's a lot of candles, love.

Mind your hair now. We don't want
to torch the blue rinse.

( laughs )

( cheering, applause )

( music playing )

No! No, no, no, no!

Hey, come on. I don't take off
my clothes for free.

- Yeah, we need to get paid, man.
- Everybody throw in.

- I don't have anything.
- Seriously?

I made the cake.

- Michael: I bought the beer.
- Colm: I put up the decorations.

- Stripper: I made you a good show?
- Boy: Yeah, you were deadly.

Don't eat any more cake, love.
You'll be sick.

Margaret, can you chip in
to pay these guys?

Yeah, of course.

- How much are you short?
- .

Are you serious?!

When are yous
gonna grow up?

Take it out of the mattress
when we get it back.

Oh, I will,
thanks, Colm, yeah.

I don't have .
I'll have to write you a check.

( Knocks )

- Colm: What?
- Nan wants you.

- For what?
- The lotto.

- What day is it?
- Wednesday.

Oh, shite.

I never got a ticket.

- What's the jackpot?
- Four and a half million.

- Oh, shite.
- Nan got tickets.

- Did she?
- Yeah.

It's on now.

Oh ho ho,
if you're not in,

you can't win.

I can't believe
you didn't get me one.

I always get you one.

TV: Good evening, everyone.
I'm Ella...

Sorry. Here,
you can have this one.

No, go on.
It's yours.

Well, if we win,
we'll split it.

Not at all.

I had a dream we won.

Did you?

Yeah, with these numbers.

When I woke up
I wrote them out and--

Okay, ho ho, shush shush.
It's coming on.

So check those tickets carefully,
and the best of luck to all of you.

Jesus, she's gorgeous,
isn't she?

The first ball
in tonight's lotto is number .

- Any luck there, Mom?
- I don't think so.

- No.
- ...number .

No, wait.

- I got them.
- ...and we have number .

- Both of them?
- I have , too.

You got three numbers?

You got three numbers!

...followed by number one.

And one!

You got four numbers, Mom!
You got four numbers!

Oh, shush shush shush.
What did she say?

- What did she say?
- .

We have five numbers!

That's about a quarter
of a million!

We just need one more.
Come on, the six numbers!

And the sixth ball
is number .

( Soft sobbing )

And the bonus ball
is number .

(laughing)

Whoo whoo!
Mom!

Mom, you f*cking did it!

You f*cking did it!

( Cackling )

Oh, Ella, I knew you'd have
something good for me.

Woman on TV:
Tonight's winning numbers...

(giggles)

( cheering )

Hold on, hold on.
Double check.

Double check.

Whoo! I knew!

I knew we wouldn't be poor forever!
I told you!

Are you sure
you got them right?

Yeah!
I checked them twice.

- We have them all.
- What do you mean "we"?

I thought you said
the ticket was mine

and that you
wouldn't split it?

Huh?

Well, if it's yours,

you're going to have to share it
with the rest of them.

It's me and you, Mommy.

The lotto's always
been me and you.

Are you sure
you got the numbers?

- Huh?
- Maybe you should watch it again.

Watch it again
just to be sure.

And now let's play lotto...

It's good, isn't it?

Digital television,
just like watching it live.

You were recording it?

Oh yeah, we recorded this
ages ago.

(laughing, banging)

"I knew. I knew we wouldn't
be poor forever!"

It was last week's draw,
you dummy.

- So we didn't win?
- ( all laughing)

We bought a ticket
with numbers

from last week's draw,

just to wind you up.

All I want is to be allowed to live
with a little bit of dignity.

- That's funny, is it?
- ( siblings snickering )

To want socks
with no holes in them,

money to get a little car,

and not to have to live
with my mother all my life

with everyone laughing at me.

Yous are a shower of bastards.

Man on TV: And coming up
after the break,

cash-strapped locals in Kildare

find the missing mattress
everyone's been looking for,

and how Waterford hurlers
are preparing for Sunday's...

- They found it.
- ( laughter continues )

They found it in Kildare!

(TV chimes)

- (water splashes )
- ( muttering )

You stupid.

The infamous mattress containing
the missing life savings

of -year-old retired
schoolteacher Annie Small

was discovered here at the Ballybeg
waste processing center

outside of Celbridge.
Local man Graham Gaffney

was surprised to find
the sum of money

hidden inside the mattress was not

quite as substantial as many
had been led to believe.

Graham, what exactly
did you find?

When I saw the first few notes
I knew straightaway

that was it.
And, uh...

I was dancing, Joe.

And two of the other lads

helped me drag it down
into the yard.

I offered them grand each
for their trouble like, you know?

And we cut it up and...
let me put it to you this way:

there wasn't grand there
for the lads like, far from it.

How much did you get, Graham?

euros,

mostly in fivers.

And are you
disappointed, Graham?

Well, I did see her on The Late
Late Show with me own eyes

and she did say a million,
so I felt a bit cheated,

to be honest with you.

But euros

are not bad
for a day's work

in the tip.

Better than a slap in the face
with a wet fish.

( Scoffs )

There was at least
, euros

In that mattress.

Aw, for God's sake.
Give it up, will you?

- I know what I had.
- You saved up quid.

And you know what?
Well done.

- That's more than I ever saved.
- I know what I had.

You don't remember things
perfectly anymore.

That's life.
Nobody's angry at you.

Why should anybody
be angry at me?

You're the feckin' idiot
who threw all my stuff out!

Aw, Jesus. Turn it on me,
why don't you?

Do you understand you've had us
all on a wild goose chase?

The whole country.

Don't you say
one more word to me, Colm.

( Sighs )

- It's on the radio too.
- ( Margaret sighs )

Woman: You get to an age
where all you want to believe

is the world still cares about you.
Tell me if I'm wrong, Adrian.

And didn't she hit the jackpot with
this one, the attention she got?

I mean the lunacy.

Fifteen hundred people
in one dump alone

crawling over rats, looking
for a piss-stained mattress

on the word of some mad old one
for euro?

This country is bollocksed.

( Exhales )

I can't believe
they put it in the main news.

Everybody knows
that was us.

I always said this family
would be famous.

Yeah, fools for life.

( Growls )

Emma: Are you all right?

There weren't any stains
on that mattress.

Come back downstairs.

Everyone's worried about you.

Worried I'm not going
to die soon enough.

Teacher: And how many milliliters
of milk do we add?

Emma?

Um...

Six hundred?

Are you sure it's not
closer to a million?

(all laughing)

( soft groan)

Come on.
Hi, Mom.

Come on,
say hi to Nan, kids.

- What are you doing?
- Did Colm not tell you?

I'm just going to come home for a bit
while I get a new place organized.

We'll set up in the good room.
You won't even know we're here.

( Boy crying )

Hi.

Just can't deal with that
bastard bank anymore.

( Crying continues )

( Sighs )

Did you see this?

Yeah.

But did you see this?

(whispering )
It isn't it.

The color's right,

but the pattern is different,

and there's no label
on the side.

It's a different mattress.

What?

Don't tell anyone.

The red pins had
swarms of people

looking through them.

The blue pins are for places
that were closed.

The green ones
don't take bulk waste.

( Dishes clatter)

What are yous doing?

Nothing.

Where are yous going?

Nowhere.

Just out for the day.

(giggling)

We should be
near it now.

Do you see a sign
of any kind?

No, it's more up there.

No, it's here,
it's here.

No, it's up there.

No, 'cause we were passing
and then I saw the sign

that said "swords"
and it said like, km.

No.

( Honks )

What are you going to do
with the money if we find it?

When we find it.

What are you going to do
with the money when we find it?

What are we
going to do with it?

What are we going to do
with the money when we find it?

(grunts)

Spend it.

( Both laughing )

Hey!

Yous aren't looking
for a mattress, are you?

( Both laughing )

They already found it.

- ( laughter continues )
- (whistle blows )

- ( bird caws )
- It was in the papers yesterday.

There was only
quid in it.

We'll have to leave
and get a bu--

- Are you paying attention?
- Yeah.

Come on,
watch this now.

Okay, so we'll get
the bus here.

Woman: There you go.

- ( Sighs )
- Where have you been?!

Just out for the day.

- Shhhh.
- Don't shush me, Des.

The kids.

(whispering ) Everyone's been
worried sick looking for you both.

We didn't even know if
you two were together.

Well, we were.

Good night.

What the hell
were you doing?

Nothing.
Let's just go.

What's this?

Dunno.

It's our map
of the dumps.

They found it.

You saw it
on the television.

Colm: I know what's going on.

Mom's had another
senile turn,

and Emma, as usual,
is humoring her.

You're not doing her any favors
by encouraging her.

Come on, you've got school
in the morning.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Oh, that's lovely.

A sure sign you're spending
too much time with Colm.

( slams )

Look, it's one thing
leading everyone up

the garden path
with this mattress thing

and having the whole country
laughing at us.

(whispering ) But now she's
turned Into a crazy old woman,

rooting around
In rubbish tips.

- I mean, enough is enough.
- I'm saving some money

now that I'm not paying
my mortgage any more.

Maybe I could chip in
for a home or something.

We can't put her
in a home, guys.

She's not leaving us
much choice.

( Engine puttering )

(gulls cawing)

Emma: Maybe you get a chance
to go live your life again,

but you know all
the mistakes you made

so you can do everything the right way
second time around.

Maybe you get a chance
to live again,

but to do all the things
you really wanted to do...

even if they're
the wrong things.

Maybe you get to go
live your life again

and this time

you know what
everybody else is thinking,

So you know if they're lying,
or if they like you,

or they have some money
hidden in their mattress

and they're not telling you.

Trust me,

you wouldn't want to know
what people are thinking.

It's bad enough what comes out
of their mouths.

Maybe you get sent somewhere

where all the rubbish you ever
threw out is all piled up

and you're stuck there
until you clean it up.

That's where
your granddad is now,

picking f*g butts
and whiskey bottles

out of a giant mound
of bookie slips.

Why did you marry him
If he was such a drunk?

He wasn't a drunk
when I married him.

Oh.

Must have been me, huh?

No.

Actually, probably was.

We went down to Kerry
on our honeymoon.

There were barely
even any roads there.

But your granddad
loved the country.

His dad fought in the w*r
of independence down there.

( Sighs )

He was always
telling him stories

about fighting and hiding,

and sitting in pubs through the night
planning ambushes.

I was only complaining
about the rain,

the cold and...

wanting to come home.

But then one day he...

He took me up,

up onto the top
of these cliffs

looking out
on the Skellig Rock.

It was like the edge
of the world,

with the wind coming in
off the Atlantic.

I could hardly
catch my breath.

And he was shouting something
to me over the wind.

And I couldn't hear
what he was saying.

He was probably just saying
it was time to go back, but...

I like to think...

He was saying
that he loved me.

I'll miss seeing
what a great character

you turn out to be, Em.

( Snorts )
I'm disgusted.

It's like leaving a party
just when it's getting good.

You can't.

Eighty years...

there's no escaping it.

- Don't ever do that again-- Oh! oh!
- ( kids cackling )

- Stop it, I'm serious!
- How much per month?

- Get down from there.
- And that includes the knitting club?

- Woman: Yeah, for five days a week.
- Right, yeah yeah.

And it says here
a "gated community."

You do that one more time, you're never
having that drink again, okay?

(woman speaks )

- She's beginning to wander a bit.
- Right, give me that.

- Okay, I'll come back to you on that.
- Give it to me, will you?

- Okay.
- (toy beeping )

Stop that.
You are in big trouble.

You are in big trouble,
Young-- oh!

- Young lady.
- ( girl laughs)

Will you get down
from the table? Oh!

- Get down from the table.
- ( groaning )

- ( kids laugh )
- Get down from the table now!

( Cars approaching )

Maybe you didn't save up
all that money

and the mattress
they found was yours.

Did you ever even
consider that?

I'm senile, is that it?

No, just--
Maybe you made a mistake.

In which case, at least we didn't
throw out a million quid.

Go home.

I'm not in the mood
for babysitting you.

( Door slams )

( instrumental music playing )

( reciting eulogy)

Could you let us off here?

- Yeah, no problem.
- ( beeps )

( brakes hiss )

( birds cawing )

( cawing continues )

(wings flutter)

( soft gasp )

(guy coughing)

( panting )

( sirens wailing )

( mouthing )

( squeals )

( squeals, chattering )

Look, I'm not in the mood
for wind-ups.

It's past a joke.

( Sighs )

- Colm!
- ( laughing)

Michael: You got it,
you got it!

You got it!
You got it, ha ha ha!

Colm: Whoa.

(Annie screams )

- ( phone rings )
- Hiya.

What?

What?!

(laughing)

Go harder!

Whoo-hoo!
Oh, mind, Colm!

- Stop!
- Got you.

- Ah, no.
- ( boy crying )

Mom.

Mom?

(boy wailing)

There's some people
at the door.

They said they want
to speak to you.

What?

Woman: Stop it!

- Okay, come on.
- Mommy, I want to play with it.

- (crying continues)
- Stop!

- Surprise!
- ( laughing )

Whoo-hoo!

What's wrong, Mom?
You're not happy?

( Cars honking )

There isn't really
a million euros in it.

I just said that so yous'd
take me seriously.

It's more like...

a few hundred thousand.

Better than a slap in the face
with a wet fish!

- Colm: Out of the way.
- ( laughing )

Michael:
The mattress has landed.

Colm: Pull it up there.

Annie, don't...

Where did you get it?

Colm found it.

Well done, son.

(laughing)

Come on.

- Michael: Who's going for champagne?
- Des: Way ahead of you.

Three bottles of the Bollinger,
coming up!

Annie: Guys, it's Mom's money.
You can't start spending it.

Oh stop, will you?
It's a drop in the ocean.

Margaret: That's exactly the reason
she didn't tell us in the first place.

That's not the reason at all.
She was just keeping it

as a surprise.
Isn't that right, Mom?

Margaret: Oh my God,
yous are unbelievable.

Shut up you, will you?
Can we not have minutes

of fun without you
judging us all the time?

Don't tell me
to shut up, Colm.

Spare me, Margaret.
You're coming in here,

you think you're that much
above everyone else.

It's not your money to spend.

You just became the financial
regulator for the family?

One of us has to be, but in this case
I'll make an exception.

- Go get the champagne.
- Colm: Did you hear that, lads?

Get it quick before
she changes her mind.

- ( All laugh, party)
- Annie: Let's celebrate!

- Whoo-hoo!
- (traffic noises )

( instrumental music playing )

( music continuing )

( instrumental music playing )