01x06 - The Day That Wasn't

[bunniefuu]

- [insects chirping]
- [frogs croaking]

[murmur of voices]

[helicopter blades whirring overhead]

- [whooshing, zaps]
- [Klaus yells]

- Damn it! [gasps]
- [helicopter flying low]

[panting]

[bombs whistling]

- [expl*si*n]
- [yells]

[man] Incoming!

[man ] No time, ladies!
Charlie's on the wire!

- [man ] Move it! All right, go! Come on!
- [siren wailing]

You got mud in your ears, boy?
Get dressed!

No, I'm... I'm not...

w*r's not gonna wait
for you to get pretty!

Chaz, get this man operational.
And get him a pair of pants! Let's go!

Do you think I have time to waste?
Get him a g*n!

- Don't look at me, get those pants on!
- [expl*si*n]

- You just get in country?
- Oh, uh...

Yeah.

[both chuckle softly]

- Yeah, sh*t's crazy. I know.
- Yeah!

You'll adjust.

I'm Dave.

Klaus.

["Soul Kitchen" by The Doors playing]

♪ Well, the clock says
It's time to close now ♪

♪ I guess I'd better go now ♪

♪ Let me sleep all night
In your soul kitchen ♪

♪ Warm my mind near your gentle stove ♪

♪ Turn me out and I'll wander, baby ♪

♪ Stumblin' in the neon grove ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

[bombs whistling]

[water splashes]

[toilet flushes]

- [knocking at door]
- [Klaus] Busy. [sniffs]

- [sighs]
- [Luther] Oh, good. You're up.

We need to talk.

You, me, and the others.
So meet me in the living room.

Like, now-ish.

Yeah, that sounds like a real rager,
but my schedule's already chock-full.

Yeah, no time for that.
The world's ending in three days.

- [Allison] Three days?
- That's what Five said.

The old bastard did mention
the apocalypse, come to think of it.

He just left out the part about how soon.

But can we trust him?
I don't know if you've noticed,

- but Five's a little... [whistles]
- [chuckles] Our little psycho.

He was pretty convincing.

If he wasn't trying to stop an apocalypse,

- those lunatics wouldn't be chasing him.
- That's why they were after him?

- Yeah.
- What did Five even see?

Uh... Apparently,

we all fought together
against whoever was responsible.

[clicks tongue] Okay. So, here's the plan.

- Uh, we go through Dad's research...
- [Allison] Wait, what?

- Hold on, hold on.
- Wait a tick, wait a tick, wait a tick.

What actually happened
the first time around?

Yeah. What are you not tellin' us?

Come on, big boy, spit it out.

[sighs] We d*ed.

What was that?

[coughs] I said, uh, we d*ed.

[Klaus screams]

[lock clicks]

[sighs]

Don't say it.

Say what? Pinch me, I must be dreamin'.

Mwah!

[Cha-Cha] Quit your bellyaching, Hazel.
It's only one more day.

See, that's a relief.
I was worried it was too good to be true.

[pneumatic tube whooshes]

- Well, it gets worse.
- [whooshing]

[scoffs]

"Contract to k*ll Number Five terminated.
Await further instruction."

Obviously, Number Five
cleared things up with the Commission.

You think they let that little sh*t off
so easy?

It doesn't make any sense.

Sure it does. He's a legend.

And what are we? Chopped liver?

- Worker bees.
- [Cha-Cha] Well, we better get buzzin'.

Because the next job that comes down
that pipeline, we need a win.

Gotta show headquarters
we still got it.

What?

You see, that's your problem right there.
Next tube, next job, next...

Right, but there won't be a next anything
if we don't find the briefcase.

- End of story.
- Whatever.

- Whatever.
- Whatever. Whatever.

I need a hit of sucrose.

- I'm heading to the vending machine.
- Fine.

Fine.

[pneumatic tube whooshes, clunks]

[Cha-Cha] "Terminate Hazel."

- [indistinct chatter]
- [Handler] I must admit, Number Five,

in all the time that I've been here,

- I've never met anyone quite like you.
- [man] Hello, Handler.

Hazel and Cha-Cha, for example,
are talented, certainly, but...

they can't see the big picture.

Your spunk, your enterprising spirit,

well, it reminds me
a great deal of myself, if...

I may be so vainglorious.

If things work out for you here,

you could potentially make
a fine successor, Five.

[Five] I'd like to discuss the logistics
of my family's safety

at your earliest convenience.

As well as this body replacement.

[Handler] Such chutzpah.

It's refreshing, I'll admit.

Slow down, Five. All in good time.

In fact, now that you've finally agreed
to work with us,

we've got all the time in the world.

[Handler] The Commission works in support
of a delicate balance

between the time line of events
and mankind's free will.

The briefcase is no longer part
of your kit, Five. Free your mind.

You're management now.

One of us.

All the people
on this floor are case managers,

each one responsible
for one major event at a time.

- [Five] So many of them.
- [Handler] Impressive, isn't it?

Being part of something...

so grand.

- [indistinct chatter]
- [phones ringing]

Come along.

Whenever someone chooses the wrong path

and the time line is changed,
the Commission gets a report

from field agents on the ground.

These field reports are sorted
and assigned to a case manager.

They determine if anyone needs to be...

removed from the equation to assure
that their event happens as it should.

Based on that determination,
the case manager sends instructions

via pneumatic tube to...

temporal assassins
like you formerly were, Number Five.

Any queries so far?

Yeah.

Who was the case manager handling me?

Ah.

You mean the apocalypse.

Five, meet Dot.

- Oh, hi.
- Dot is responsible

for all apocalypse matters.

In fact, it was Dot here
who first flagged your appearance in .

No hard feelings.

Well, you certainly put us
through the ringer.

Outsmarting two of our so-called
best temporal assassins.

[loudly] If that doesn't spell
leadership material...

[silence falls]

...I just don't know. [chuckles]

- [typing resumes]
- I suspect...

you like a challenge, Five.

- [chair squeaks]
- [taps chair]

Which is why I've given you
a particularly complex first case.

It's too bad Joseph Späh decided
against sabotaging the fuel t*nk.

It would've been so much easier.
[chuckles]

Anyhoo...

if you have any questions...

I'll be right behind you.

[keys jangle]

Why am I doing this?

- Because it's important.
- [sighs]

I just feel like every time I see them,

I come away feeling
like there's less of me.

Things are different now. You got me.

The Sonny to your Cher,
the, um, peanut butter to your jelly.

Vanya, you getting first chair
is a huge accomplishment.

You did it all by yourself.

So it's the right thing to invite them
to the concert.

They need to see
how talented you are, okay?

Hmm?

- Okay, Sonny.
- [pats shoulder]

Let's do this.

Maid's day off?

Growing up, we called her "Mom."

But where is everybody?

[Leonard] How come you're not
in any of these?

It's always about the Umbrella Academy.
I just didn't make the cut, so...

- Wow.
- [indistinct chatter]

- [Diego] Just now, you're telling...
- [Vanya] Leonard. Hey, Leonard, come on.

[Diego] No, we need to figure this out.

- Is it just us?
- It's everybody.

- In the house?
- The whole planet?

- No, outside the house. Everyone d*ed.
- Hey.

[Allison] Hmm?

What's going on?

It's a family matter.

[Vanya] A family matter.

- So you couldn't bother to include me.
- No, it's not like that. We were...

- Don't let me interrupt.
- [Allison] Wait.

- I'll fill you in later when we're alone.
- Please, please, don't bother.

And I won't either.

- Vanya, that's not fair.
- Fair?

There's nothing fair
about being your sister.

I have been left out of everything
for as long as I can remember.

And I used to think it was Dad's fault,
but he's dead.

So it turns out you're the assholes.

[Klaus] Ouch.

Vanya, wait. I left my jacket.

I can't go back there.

Okay, go ahead, I'll catch up to you.

- I'm gonna go find Vanya and explain.
- No, wait, there isn't time.

We need to figure out
what causes the apocalypse.

- [door closes]
- Now, there are loads of possibilities.

Nuclear w*r, asteroids.

But I'm thinking this is about the Moon.
Right?

Dad must have sent me up there
for a reason.

And I was giving him daily updates
on the conditions, I sent field samples.

The first thing we need to do

- is find his research.
- Hold on. Hold the phone.

We all d*ed fighting this thing
the first time around. Remember?

Klaus, shockingly, has a point.
What gives us a win this time?

- Five. Last time we didn't have him.
- [gagging]

- We weren't all together.
- [groans]

[Luther] This time,
we'll have the full force

of the Umbrella Academy.
That's what we need.

So, where's Five now?

[Luther] Well, he had a plan to change
the time line. He'll be back soon.

[Diego] I'm going after Hazel and Cha-Cha.

- What, right now?
- Hell, yeah.

Three days.
I'm losing light by the minute.

[Luther] Wait, Diego.

Look,
I know you wanna avenge your friend,

- but we got a bigger problem here.
- [Diego] She wasn't just some friend.

If I'm gonna die, I need to know
I k*lled those bastards first.

- You don't look so hot.
- [Diego] It's not about Dad.

- It's not about me.
- What makes you say that? I feel great.

- [Diego] The longer I wait, Hazel...
- You don't have to do this alone.

- I know how important this is to you.
- [Diego] Stop making it about you.

- [sighs]
- Klaus?

Klaus?

- Klaus!
- Yeah! Sorry.

So, what?
You're giving up on the world, too?

Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

So that's it.

You're cool with us all dying
in three days?

[groans]

I can't believe it.

It's just us.

Oh, please, not you, too.

I have to book a flight back to LA.

If this happens I have to be
with my daughter, custody be damned.

And you said it yourself...

we need the full force of the Academy
to even stand a chance.

I'm sorry, Luther.

[thunder rumbles]

[Vanya] I can't believe
I was stupid enough to go back there.

[Leonard] I shouldn't have made you do it.

No, it's my fault.

- [metal creaking]
- I just wanted them to be proud of me.

And how could I presume
to be worthy of their attention?

Nothing's ever big enough
next to their holier-than-thou,

- weight of the world bullshit.
- [crashing]

- Vanya!
- What?

- [car alarms wailing]
- [horns blaring]

What the hell is happening?

You happened.

Oh, come on.

Th... That's crazy.

I mean, it... it was like this before.

That's a coincidence.

- [scoffs]
- Leonard, it's impossible.

Come on. My place is close.

Ah, sh*t. [groans]

- Hey.
- Hey. You, uh... you mind?

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.
I'll... I'll tie that up.

If you tie me up after.

Come again?

You know, last time I was sober
was that roaring good time

when those freaks had me tied up
in the motel room.

Wow. You are one twisted bonehead.

Why? You're the one who's always like,
"Klaus, you need to get sober, bro."

- There's better ways to get clean, bro.
- [Klaus] Not for me, no.

I need someone to take away my options.

- Fine.
- Okay. Thank you.

- Okay, can you help me?
- Yeah. Yeah.

Okay.

Hiya, Five. How's it going?

I must have utter silence
in order to complete this task.

[stammers] Oh, okay.

Hey, a few of us are having lunch,
and I was wondering if you...

- [clears throat]
- ...you're doing something.

Oh. Bye... Bye!

I'm afraid that's not procedure.

Five, meet Gloria.

Gloria is perhaps the single
most vital cog in our machine.

- Oh! [chuckles]
- Gloria, this is Number Five.

Look at you.

Deadly little thing.

So happy we decided to close
the contract on your life. [chuckles]

I'm afraid your reputation precedes you.

And it looks like you're building on it
here.

Oh. Karl Weber.

Now tell me, why unfortunate Karl?

Karl Weber is the butcher at the shop
where Captain Ernst A. Lehmann

acquires his weekly roast.

So, if Karl dies, his butcher shop
is passed on to his son Otto, who...

never washes his hands,
which is disgusting.

So he's the one
who gives the captain his roast.

And that gives him food poisoning.

Which makes him late for work.

Which delays the takeoff.

And to make up for lost time,

the Hindenburg flies
through a weather front

of high electrical charge and humidity.

And the static electricity inside
the aircraft makes it a virtual tinderbox.

Tiny engine sparks...

And just like that, we have...

[mimics expl*si*n]

- Oh! [mimics expl*si*n]
- [Handler laughs]

I'm sure you've all heard
that Mr. Five has proven

to be as adept with a pen
as he was with a sword.

Let his effort serve as inspiration

to you all.

Herb! How long have you been
on the Lusitania?

- Oh, ah... Well, let's see, I, uh... I...
- Sorry?

- When I first started...
- Sorry? I can't hear you.

- Still can't hear you.
- [buzzer sounds]

[indistinct chatter]

[Handler] Oh, Gene,
a word before you go to lunch.

Gutenberg seems to be having
second thoughts about the printing press.

- [Five sighs]
- [lock clicks]

[door opens]

sh*t.

- [door closes]
- [Handler] So, how's your first day going?

Couldn't be better.

- [Handler] Glad to hear it. [coughing]
- [urinating]

[coughs loudly]

Ah.

I b*rned my rugae.

Ever burn your rugae?

[continues urinating]

- Rugae.
- [sighs]

[Handler] The ridges on the hard palate
that help pass food to the esophagus.

Anyway, I'm on a liquid diet for two days,
hence the marathon of urination.

One faulty cog,
and nothing works as it should.

You know, we value integrity
at the office above all else.

Trust is essential,
and that trust is... built over time.

But in the event of a breach,

the Commission will act swiftly
and without mercy.

An efficiency I'm sure you above
all people can appreciate, Number Five.

[toilet flushes]

[Handler] I'm feeling peckish.

Have you had your lunch?

Not yet.

[Handler] Great. How would you like
to lunch with me in my office?

You can eat solid foods,
and I can live vicariously...

through you.

Sounds great.

[motor sputtering]

- The briefcase is here?
- [Cha-Cha] It's where Commission said.

All righty.

[g*n cocks]

[birds singing]

[woodpecker pecking]

[Hazel] Sure are in the middle of nowhere.

[clicking]

- [Cha-Cha] What are you doing?
- [Hazel] Just tying my shoe.

[click]

Can I ask you a cuckoo bananas question?

Sure, sh**t.

Would it really be so bad...

- if we didn't find the briefcase?
- [Cha-Cha] Uh, yeah.

You know what happens
to people who step out of line.

We'd be hunted down like dogs.
What's the matter with you?

[Hazel] I guess I'm just tired of all this
being told what to do, where to go.

Wouldn't it be nice
to k*ll who you want for a change,

not who the Commission tells us to?

Let's forget the stupid briefcase.

Why not just stay here?

In case it fell out of your head,
there won't be a "here" in a few days.

Well, then, maybe we should help stop it.

- Stop what?
- [Hazel] You know.

- [faint boom]
- [Cha-Cha] That's impossible.

- [Hazel] Why? Number Five came back.
- And he failed.

He's back at the Commission.
There's no way around this, Hazel.

Our only choice is to do what they say.

One way or another, they always get you.

- [loud blast]
- [engine sputters]

Home sweet home.

Yep.

Hey, uh...

- You hungry?
- I could eat.

Why don't you go relax?

I'll bring us some, uh, takeout.

That, uh, Chinese place, Samurai Gardens.

Kung Pao chicken, extra spicy.

Okay. Sounds great.

Thanks.

Great.

Back in a jiff.

- Uh, keys.
- [keys jangle]

[engine starts]

[car pulls away]

[grunts]

[panting]

Everything all right, Master Luther?

Where are they?

The boxes, the reports, the samples?

All the correspondence
I sent down from the Moon?

I, uh... I'm not sure.

- Your father was a very private person...
- [Luther] Stop it, Pogo!

You know everything our dad did.

What?

[creaking]

Clever old man.

He never even looked at them.

Why not?

[yelling] Why not?

Your father was many things.

Forthright was not one of them.

After your accident,

he wanted to give you purpose,
Master Luther.

He felt that this was the only way.

What? Shanghaiing me on the Moon
for four years?

I wasn't a good enough Number One?

That's what it was?

I couldn't cut it?

So he sent me away?

- No, no, that's not...
- [Luther] Pogo...

[crying softly] Please leave me alone.

- Master...
- Now, please! [yelling] Get out!

[sobbing]

[door creaks]

- [Luther] Allison!
- [Allison] Shh!

[door creaks]

[in British accent] I have prepared a...

feast.

[Luther] Whoa, where'd you get those?

My methods must remain mysterious.

Well, you're not the only one
with secrets.

Just in case.

Ah. Oh, and, uh...

one more thing.

It's, um... It's for you.

Do you, um... Do you like it?

- [in normal voice] I'll never take it off.
- [chuckles]

Oh.

I almost forgot. I brought one more thing.

[player clicks]

[record needle scratches]

[piano music playing]

Luther Hargreeves,

will you dance with me?

- Number One?
- [record scratches]

Number Three!

This is highly unacceptable behavior.

You both know that fun and games
are restricted to Saturdays

- between noon and half past noon.
- But we were just...

You will never come up here again.
Do you understand me?

Never!

- [Klaus] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [Diego sighs] I hate this room.

[Klaus] Oh, it got me high enough.

I picked it clean of anything of value
after Daddy kicked the bucket.

That's it, tighter and higher.

Ooh. Ouf! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Fine.
- Ooh! Aah!

- Aah!
- If I see a boner, I'm out.

[Klaus chuckles]

End of the world and you wanna
get sober all of a sudden.

Don't get me wrong, man.

- [groans]
- Good by you.

But I'd think you'd wanna pop
every pill on the planet.

Oh, the thought did cross my mind,
believe me, but...

there's something I need to do,

and the whole pesky thing doesn't seem
to work unless I'm sober.

Is this is about conjuring
the one you lost?

- [sighs]
- [Diego] What was her name?

His name was Dave.

We soldiered together
in the A Shau Valley...

in the Mountain of the Crouching Beast.

Well, Dave must have been
a very special person...

- to put up with your weird-ass sh*t.
- [Klaus snorts]

Yeah. [chuckles] Yeah, he was...

He was kind, and strong,
and vulnerable, and...

beautiful.

Beautiful. And I was...

foolish enough to follow him
all the way to the front line.

- You fought in the sh*t?
- Oh yeah, baby.

- [sighs]
- How'd they let you do that?

Let me? w*r couldn't take enough bodies.
Please. [chuckles]

Including his.

[sighs] Hey, look at us.

Loggin' in some quality bro time
before the end of the world.

Yeah, might as well.

Everyone I like is already dead.

- [grunts]
- Ah, yes.

The lady cop.

[Diego] Yeah.

Mom, too.

[grunts]

I let them both down.

So here I am.

Alone with you.

Ah, sh*t!

What?

I need to pee.

Thanks, guys. Well, as you can see,
mysterious damage

to multiple vehicles
and light posts occurred earlier today

here in the midtown area.

Authorities suspect a drunk driver.

We'll have the full details for you

- tonight at five.
- Thanks.

[Leonard] Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Okay.

[sighs]

- [TV switches off]
- Look, I...

I'm sure this is a lot to deal with.

You know, the idea that you've always had
these powers lying dormant.

[scoffs] What, the ability
to bend lampposts?

Your mood changed things.

- The rain stopped. I saw it.
- [groans]

That wasn't me.
I'm so sorry to disappoint you.

Disappoint? You couldn't disappoint me
if you tried.

But if you did do this, if it was you,

that's beautiful, it's powerful.

Look, if this was even true,

everything I know about myself
would be different.

Everything I've ever been told.

- Do you think maybe your father knew?
- [scoffs] Come on. No way!

Look, if I was special, I would have been
in the Umbrella Academy.

I'm so sorry you got stuck
with the ordinary one.

Ordinary is not a word
I'd use to describe you.

Look, we'll figure it out...

as a team.

My life is so weird.

I like weird.

Clearly.

[slurps]

And that's how Phil determined
that the archduke just had to go.

Care for dessert?

I had a bad Twinkie
in the apocalypse once.

It kind of put me off desserts.

Please, indulge me.

[Five sighs]

[lighter clicks]

What's that taste like to you?

The s?

[Handler] Precisely right.

Our clever metaphysics division
concocted a way

to perfectly distill an entire decade
into a single candy.

This one's modeled after the Fudge Mutt,

- America's favorite in .
- Remarkable.

You'll be happy to know
it's the very division

that's building your new body.

Oh, that reminds me.
I have something for you.

- Carla?
- [Carla over intercom] Yes?

- Would you bring the box in, please?
- Certainly.

- [intercom clicks]
- [footsteps approaching]

Go ahead. Open it.

Clothes make the man, Five.

Won't it be nice
when you can actually wear it?

Very soon, I assure you.

They're perfecting your body as we speak.

Thank you.

It's a very kind gift.

Is that a Chinese flamethrower?

[Handler] Good eye.

w*r.

Such a fascinating concept.

A temporary salve
for a permanent human flaw.

Course, it's a bit easier to see
from , feet.

[chuckles]

These are just some of the things
I've collected in my travels.

M grenades from the Vietnam w*r.

And this,

the most noteworthy, perhaps.

My Walther p*stol.

The very one h*tler used to k*ll himself.

We're not supposed to take
these kind of things, but...

he wasn't gonna use it anymore.

Feel... how perfectly balanced that is.

Hm?

I had some thoughts
I wanted to run by you.

Some suggestions
to improve Commission protocol.

Mm! Shaking things up already.

I admire that.

Go on.

Do tell!

Gloria.

- [Handler] Mm.
- The tube operator.

Wouldn't it be simpler if case managers
were to send their own messages?

I appreciate the thought. I really do.

But everyone loves Gloria.

I... I would never hear the end of it.
[chuckles]

She's been with the Commission family
for years,

and she's this close to making pension.

[knock at door]

[panting] Sorry to interrupt.
May I have a moment alone?

Of course.

Duty calls.

We'll continue this discussion later,
Five.

Sure. May I?

Please.

Hey.

So, I couldn't get a flight out
until tonight,

and I don't know what to do.

I can't just sit here.

So I'm gonna head to the airport
and wait.

I just... I wanted to say goodbye.

Luther?

[inhales sharply]

I found Dad's research
from my mission on the Moon.

Every single package was still sealed.

- Why would he...
- [Luther] He never opened them

because he never cared
what I was doing up there.

Four years of my life.

A lie.

What an assh*le.

I'm not the right person
to stop this apocalypse, Allison.

Hey, Luther. Don't say that.

No, the world needs a leader
and I'm not it. I'm not.

Dad knew it, and now I know it.

I'm done.

Can I show you something?

- What? What is it?
- Just... Just come with me.

What? You got something better to do?

- [clatters]
- [laughs]

[Luther] I can't believe it's still here.

Me neither.

I can't believe he didn't take it down
after he caught us up here.

- [giggles]
- [Luther] Oh.

Why are we here?

To finish the feast. [giggles]

- [Allison] Oh, God! Oh!
- sh**t. Hang on...

[Allison] Oh, oh, oh... Okay...

- [Luther] I... just...
- Yeah. Oh... Oh.

[laughs] Just gotta get in there.

- [sighs]
- [laughing] Easy, easy!

- Ah.
- Okay.

[sighs]

[laughs]

Guess we're not kids anymore.

Could you just for one second
turn off that cynical brain of yours?

I mean, this could be the last time
we ever...

Ta-da!

- Wow.
- [chuckles]

Are these...?

Yep, the very same.

[chuckles]

Cheers.

- [grunts] Oh, my God...
- [gags]

- I am so sorry.
- No, I'm sorry.

Oh, no, sh*t!

God.

[chuckles] Oh!

Ah! [sighs]

[coughs]

Oh. Yeah.

We're not kids anymore. [laughs]

[sighs]

Held up better than those sodas, huh?

- [chuckles softly]
- You said you'd never take it off.

Yeah. But I did.

You know,
now that Dad's not here to catch us,

we can go anywhere we want,
in the house, in the courtyard...

The real world.

You're right.

You wanna get outta here?

Yeah. I think I could squeeze you in.

[chuckles]

Come on.

- Oh, boy.
- Oh, my God.

[laughs]

[groans]

Oh, gosh. Okay.

I guess I'm just tired of all this
being told what to do, where to go.

Let's forget the stupid briefcase.
Why not just stay here?

[sighs deeply]

[waitress] It should only be
a couple more minutes on the jelly-filled.

I'll call you when they're ready.

- [laughter]
- [Hazel chuckles, speaking indistinctly]

[both sighing]

[Cha-Cha] That son of a bitch!

- [sighs]
- Get you goin' here. A quick...

You know, no, I... I think...
I think this was...

- Whoa. Wait.
- I think this was a bad idea. No. I just...

I should have had just one last hit
to ease me into it. That's all I need.

- Mm-hmm. No, no, no.
- I'll be right back.

- I don't think so.
- [Klaus] No...

- That's not how it works. Diego.
- Nope. Sit down.

- [Klaus] Diego, listen. Just listen.
- Sit.

Just listen. [groans]

- Sit your ass down.
- [groans]

- [coughs]
- [Diego] Sit down. Sit down.

[gasping, coughing]

Damn it, Diego!

- Damn it! Stop it!
- Nope.

- Stop it!
- [Diego] Nope!

[yells] Get off! Get... Get off!

Get off! [grunting]
Listen, listen. Listen to me.

Listen to me.

I can conjure her for you.

- Stop. Stop.
- Patch! I can...

- Don't use her name like that, okay?
- [Klaus] Let me...

- Just let me go.
- [Diego] You can't conjure sh*t

until you're clean.

- [Klaus] Please...
- I don't wanna see her

until I can tell her that I buried
the bastards that k*lled her.

[gasping] Please. Please, Diego.

Please. [groaning]

Please, Diego.

This is for next time.

Puke, pee, whatever you need.
Multipurpose. See?

[groans] Diego!

Diego, please come back! You prick!

[bombs whistling]

- [g*nf*re]
- [Klaus] Lock and load, Charlie's away!

[soldier] Fire up those Claymores!

Whew! Christ on a cr*cker,
that was a close one, huh, Dave?

- [soldier ] I'm out of a*mo!
- Dave?

[soldier yells] Wounded!

[soldier shouting]

[yells] Medic!

Medic!

Hey!

- Dave, look at me. Look at me. Okay?
- [chokes]

Oh, damn it.

- Medic!
- [b*mb whistles]

[expl*si*n]

- Okay. Look at me. Hey, hey, hey. Hey.
- [gasps]

Hey. It's okay. Hey.

- [choking]
- Hey.

Please, please...

Please stay with me, Dave.

[sobbing] Stay with me.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

No, no, no.

Damn it, I need a medic!

[inaudible]

[humming]

Mom?

Oh! Hello, Diego, dear.

How are you...

walking around?

One foot in front of the other.
[chuckles] Why? How do you do it?

Mom, I...

- What's the last thing you remember?
- Oh, let's see...

March st. Sunset was : p.m.

Moon was waxing crescent.

- Dinner was Cornish hen, rice, carrots.
- Mom, that happened over a week ago.

Do you remember anything else?

[door opens]

No.

[Mom chuckles] I suppose that's odd.

I wonder what the weather is like today.

It would be nice to go to the park.

Dad never let you off the grounds.

[chuckles]

Your father isn't here anymore.

You can do whatever you want, Mom.

Hm.

[munching loudly]

That's more like it. See?

[laughing] That's the guy I know.

What? The guy who just ate ten hot dogs?

No, a guy who doesn't need a mission
to exist.

- Oh.
- [laughs]

You know, a part of me just wishes that...

I could tell everyone here
to enjoy this while they still can.

Yeah, a part of me wishes I didn't know.

Yeah. Sorry about that.

No, no, it's just...

all the what-ifs start to haunt you,
you know?

I wonder how different
things would've been if I hadn't left.

I wonder how different
things would have been if I had.

I can't believe how much time
I just wasted believing Dad,

thinking that I could save the world.

I mean, we can't go back.

And despite everything, I'm...

I'm grateful for him.

I mean, without him,
we never would have met.

- [chuckles] I...
- Right.

I think maybe you're the only person
who really knows who I am

and still likes me anyway.

I need to get to the airport
and get home to Claire.

Goodbye, Luther.

- Allison, wait.
- Luther, I can't. My plane.

Allison Hargreeves...

will you dance with me?

[Toploader's
"Dancing in the Moonlight" playing]

♪ We get it almost every night ♪

♪ When that Moon is big and bright ♪

♪ It's a supernatural delight ♪

♪ Everybody's dancin' in the moonlight ♪

♪ Everybody here is out of sight ♪

♪ They don't bark and they don't bite ♪

♪ They keep things loose
They keep it tight ♪

♪ Everybody's dancin' in the moonlight ♪

♪ Dancin' in the moonlight ♪

♪ Everybody's feelin' warm and bright ♪

♪ It's such a fine and natural sight ♪

♪ Everybody's dancin' in the moonlight ♪

♪ We like our fun and we never fight ♪

♪ You can't dance and stay uptight ♪

♪ It's a supernatural delight ♪

♪ Everybody was dancin' in the moonlight ♪

♪ Dancin' in the moonlight ♪

♪ Everybody's feelin' warm and bright ♪

♪ It's such a fine and natural sight ♪

♪ Everybody's dancin' in the moonlight ♪

- [music swells]
- [orchestra playing]

You're the sweetest, kindest man
I've ever known.

If it wasn't completely obvious,

I've compared every man I've ever met
to you.

Oh, we should have done that
a long time ago.

- I'm an idiot.
- [laughs] No you're not.

You know, if we leave now,
we can make that flight.

- We?
- [chuckles softly]

[typewriters clacking]

Gloria, the Handler knows
that Five is up to something.

Get this to Hazel and Cha-Cha immediately.

Uh...

- Immediately.
- Okay. Yeah.

["k*ll of the Night" playing]

- Uh...
- ♪ My cold ♪

Who are they?

♪ Desire ♪

- [groans]
- ♪ To hear the boom boom boom ♪

♪ Of your heart ♪

♪ Oh, oh-ah, oh ♪

♪ I'm gonna catch ya ♪

♪ I'm gonna get ya, get ya ♪

♪ Oh, ah, oh ♪

♪ I wanna taste the way that you bleed ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ You're my k*ll of the night ♪

♪ This is a bad town ♪

♪ For such a pretty face ♪

♪ This is a bad town ♪

♪ For such a pretty face ♪

♪ This is a bad town ♪

♪ For such a pretty face ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ I'm gonna catch ya ♪

♪ I'm gonna get ya, get ya ♪

- ♪ Oh, ah, oh ♪
- [typewriter dings]

♪ I wanna taste the way that you bleed ♪

- ♪ You're my k*ll of the ♪
- [thuds]

- [pneumatic tubes whoosh]
- ♪ Night ♪

You know that's not how we do things here.

Where's Gloria?

Don't know. Couldn't find her anywhere.

[Gloria groaning]

You're a great disappointment to me.

You can't change what's to come, Five.

I truly find it so odd
that you can't shed this fantasy.

You're a first-rate pragmatist.

You belong here with us.

I don't belong anywhere, thanks to you.

- You made me a k*ller.
- [Handler] You were always a k*ller.

- I just pointed you in a direction.
- [whooshes]

[Diego] Dad was wrong for keeping you
locked up all those years.

I should have said something.
We all should have.

There's something else
that needs to be said, Diego.

Pogo and I... we've been lying.

Lying to all of you.

- [g*nf*re]
- [whimpers]

[gasps]

[woman on PA] Security.

- It's Dot!
- Security to tube room.

- [alarm blaring]
- Security breach in tube room.

- [all whimpering]
- Security...

- I'm gonna throw this stuff in the dryer.
- Okay.

Oh...

[woman on PA] Security breach
in tube room. Security to tube room.

What's the rush, Five?

- We're just getting started.
- Security to tube room.

[Dave] Klaus.

[Klaus whimpers]

Oh, my God.

[laughing] I did it. It worked.

Dave!

[Handler] Is this
how you want the last line

of your report to read?

[Five] When I'm done, I'm done,
I guess.

You can't keep this up, Five.
We both know that even you have a limit.

I saved you
from a lifetime of being alone.

- You owe me.
- [pneumatic tube whooshes]

- [g*n clicking]
- Please evacuate.

- Remain calm.
- [g*n clicking]

- Do not panic.
- I do owe a debt.

[whooshes]

- But it's not to you.
- Please evacuate.

Remain calm.

- Do not panic.
- sh*t.

- [glass shattering]
- [people screaming]

[pin clicks]

- Hey, what are you doing... [screams]
- [glass shattering]

[whooshes, zaps]

[electricity crackling]

[clock ticking]

[ticking speeds up]

- [ticking resumes normally]
- [Klaus] Hold the phone.

We all d*ed fighting this thing
the first time around.

Remember?

Klaus, shockingly, has a point.
What gives us a win this time?

[electricity crackles]

[Allison] Je... Jesus!

[Klaus groaning]

You guys, am I still high,
or do you see him, too?

Five, where have you been?

- Are you all right?
- [Luther] Who did this?

[Five] Irrelevant.

[slurping]

[sighs]

So, the apocalypse is in three days.

The only chance we have to save our world
is, well, us.

- The Umbrella Academy.
- Yeah, but with me, obviously.

So if y'all don't get
your sideshow acts together

and get over yourselves, we're screwed.

Who cares if Dad messed us up?

Are we gonna let that define us?

No.

And to give us a fighting chance to see
next week, I've come back with a lead.

I know who's responsible
for the apocalypse.

This is who we have to stop.

[Allison] Harold Jenkins?

- Who the hell is Harold Jenkins?
- [slurping]

[rock violin music playing]