02x09 - 743

[bunniefuu]

Vanya's in the room
at the end of the hall.

- How do you propose we get to her?
- I haven't figured that one out yet.

- You can count me out.
- Klaus!

What? You guys should save her.
You're great at all the hero sh*t.

- Oh, Klaus!
- Listen, listen. Vanya would understand

'cause she has realistic expectations
of what I am.

And what I am is sexy trash.

- You're a big p*ssy, that's what you are.
- Guys, now is not the time.

Why? Because I don't wanna die? Who does?

And martyrs aren't around
to enjoy the victory party

'cause they're dead!

- You are going out there...
- I'm not! Go away!

Or I'm gonna b*at you,

- and not the way you like it!
- That's my cue.

- Hey! Allison!
- No! Allison!

Vanya!

Vanya!

All right. I'm going.

- No, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- What?

If you don't make it back,
there's one thing that I need to tell you.

- I don't have time for this.
- Please.

What?

You look like
Antonio Banderas with the long hair.

I just thought you should know.

Thanks, man.

Klaus!

I'm not gonna make it!

It's up to you, buddy!

You gotta save the world!

No, Diego, that's a terrible idea!

Okay, Klaus.

You can do this.

You fought in Vietnam.

You survived a family of seven.

And you once wore a sarong
to a fraternity party

and got a shitload of numbers.

All right, just be cool

till I finish the job on the grassy knoll.

We'll get the time math
and I'll ice the squirt.

I just wish there was another way,
you know?

- There isn't. Look at him.
- What are you looking at?

- Look.
- See something funny?

Worst case of paradox psychosis
I ever seen.

Eh... What's wrong?

- Well, I... feel bad for him. You know?
- Mind your business!

- Or I'll give you something to stare at.
- He's just a little guy.

Everybody's a little guy to you.

- You wish you could pull off these shorts!
- You look like King Kong

and the h*tler Youth had a baby.

Luther, I... I don't have time for you
to tuck and squeeze here.

Can I count on you
to keep him under control?

- Yeah, I'll do my best, yeah.
- All right.

Hey, brother. How you doing?

- He's gonna k*ll me, isn't he?
- What?

What, him?

He's gonna k*ll you?

Yeah, right. That's ridiculous.

You know, you're a terrible liar, Luther.

You're a worse liar
than you are a spotter.

Okay, whose fault is that?

What good is having a spotter
if you won't even listen to him?

So you admit
you're conspiring against me?

Do... Do you admit that you're suffering
from paradox psychosis?

All I'm suffering from is bracing clarity
about you and your murderous intentions.

Look, it's not like he's gonna
"k*ll you" k*ll you.

He just wants to k*ll a, um...

- version of you.
- But I am that version of me.

Hey, I don't love it, either,
but he's actually got a pretty good plan.

What? The one where you guys off me
and then jump to 2019 to save the world?

Yeah, wait, how did you know that?

Because I'm him,
and that is exactly what I would do

- if I were trying to k*ll me!
- Okay, all I know is

we've got one Five too many,

- and you're the one acting like a maniac.
- Maniac?

Luther, you have seen nothing.

If you want a maniac,
I will show you maniac.

Okay, as your spotter,

I think the best thing
I can do for you right now

is put you out of your misery.

Okay, Luther, listen.

I know your feeble mind only responds
to age and authority,

so listen very closely.

Yet again,
you are experiencing daddy issues,

this time with your own brother,
which honestly is making me a bit crazy.

But remember this:

I'm 14 days older than him.

I have seniority here.

So it is me you should be listening to,
Luther.

I'm the daddy here!

How's it going?

Five, please, you're being unseemly.

Look at you.

I admit there is a possibility
that I may not be in my fully...

- right mind right now.
- Okay, good.

- But whatever I've got, he's got it too.
- What?

You two quit grab-assing. We're here.

Flatulence. Stage four.

See? What's your plan now, bucko?

That was just lunch, all right? Shut up.

Careful.

I want that hem straight enough
to cut throats.

Hmm.

Nice frock.

Is this a swearing in
or a... a coronation?

How's your new hire working out?

I heard he lasted all of ten minutes
in orientation

before he started running amok.

Oh, you know boys.

He's probably around here somewhere
eating a... a very large sandwich.

Mm-hmm. Herb!

Tell Lila what you told me.

I, uh, didn't actually offer it up.

You put a Kn*fe to my throat.

Go on.

Diego commandeered
the Infinite Switchboard,

then h*jacked a briefcase...

and left the Commission.

Told you.

He also held a Kn*fe to my throat.

I knew he was a grifting little gonad.

So, what are you gonna do about him?

Me?

Your puppy, your responsibility.

Or are you forgetting
our little agreement?

You only let him stay
hoping I'd have to k*ll him.

Hmm.

Was this all a test?

Everything is a test, darling.

The question is...

Why are you failing it?

I'm not failing.

Let me handle it my way.

Does your way include decapitation?

Quartering, boiling,

thumbscrews, burning at the stake,
or Chinese water t*rture?

I wanna let him go.

Peons...

out.

Darling, blood is thicker than water,
but...

you can drown in either, Lila.

I am officially about to become

the most powerful woman in time,

and you will be my right hand.

But I need to know...

that I can trust you...

at all times...

in all ways.

You can.

740... 41... 42...

743.

Okay.

Oh.

Harlan?

What's wrong, baby?

How do I help you?

- Please, I don't know what to do.
- Jesus.

- What the hell happened?
- No, I just found him this way.

Vanya.

Vanya?

Oh, my God.

Oh, Harlan.

What the hell did she do to our boy?

Carl! Carl, what are you doing?

Something I should've done
a long time ago!

- Carl, no!
- Time to get him the help he needs!

Carl!

No, he doesn't belong
in one of those places!

Hold on, Harlan.

Gonna get you some help.

No matter what your mama says.

All right...

Get out of the car.

Sissy, don't be a fool.

You aren't gonna take my son from me.

They'll never give him back.

Well, maybe you don't deserve him anymore.

Maybe you should watch
how you talk to me for once.

The timeline is your lifeline.

Uh...

All right, sweaty gerbil man.

Tell me where Diego went

or I'll staple your colon to your nose
and let you die on your own farts.

That's... so... vivid.

Wait, wait, wait, wait! No, no, no!

I'm on your side. No, I helped him escape.

If you...

Escape?

Well, he was supposed to stay here
with me. Where did he go?

Back to help his family.

Are you really going to k*ll him?

Of course not. I love him.

Oh, that's...

- Oh!
- Say a word and I'll crush you.

I won't.

I swear, I won't.

Uh, wait.

I hate to rain on your parade,
but there's something I have to show you.

Something big.

- Ugh!
- Wait, no.

It's...

It's this.

Oh, my God.

the Dallas-Fort Worth area broadcast,

here to bring you a special description

of the arrival
of President John F. Kennedy.

- At this moment, three special...
- This is my favorite part.

The calm before the storm.

Look. The briefcase.

No, don't.
You won't be able to get there in time.

Of course I will.

This is our only chance.

Hey, uh, just remind me...

what was the final stage
of paradox psychosis again?

Homicidal rage.

Right.

That's great.

Five, listen to me. I...

No. No!

Oh... sh*t.

Bad idea, sh*t-heel.

Stop it! All right?

The both of you.

Pull it together.

Now, Kennedy is gonna be coming around
that corner any minute.

Okay? So, everyone,
let's just take a deep breath...

Now, we're all family here, okay?

So can we all just try to get along
for a few more minutes?

You want it?

Go ahead.

What's that?

sh*t.

- Now...
- Where were we?

Come on, sweetie.
We'll be late for the parade.

Would you please...

Hey!

I'm getting really sick of this!

Vanya?

Vanya?

Do you remember me?

I remember everything.

And I'm doing it again, aren't I?

What's wrong with me?

Why can't I control myself
like the rest of you guys?

It's not too late.

You can go back. There's still time.

I don't deserve to live.

I k*lled Pogo.

I almost k*lled Allison.

I destroyed the world.

I'm a monster.

Dad treated you like a b*mb
before you ever were one.

He was... so scared of your power,
he never let you use it.

Drugged you up,
kept you numb for years.

That's messed up, Vanya.

No wonder you couldn't control it.

Dad couldn't handle your anger.

That doesn't mean you can't.

And maybe you have a right to be
pissed off and sad and messed up, but...

...it's a shitty world
full of shitty people sometimes.

You aren't a monster.

You're my sister.

And right now, our siblings
are risking everything out there

trying to save you.

You aren't alone at the table anymore,
Vanya.

You can do this.

Ben, what's happening to you?

I can't go back with you.

What do you mean?

- I'm hurting you, aren't I?
- It's not your fault.

I've been holding on
as long as I can in here, but...

- You shouldn't have come for me.
- Vanya...

I d*ed 17 years ago.

All the rest of this...

these years with Klaus...

it's all been gravy.

At least this time I get to say goodbye.

- Can I ask you a weird favor?
- Anything.

Can you hug me as I go?

It's been a long time since...

Tell Klaus something for me, will you?

Get out of the car.

Whatcha gonna do, Sissy?

You gonna sh**t me?

I don't wanna hurt you,
but you need to give me back my boy.

Well, he's our boy.
Maybe you and Vanya have forgotten that.

- Vanya's got nothin' to do with this.
- Oh, really?

Well, we were just fine
till that Russian she-devil showed up.

We weren't "fine," Carl.

Jesus.

Sayin' a lie over and over
doesn't make it true.

What? You love her?

Is that it?

Some girl from nowhere?

Probably a Communist,
who you hit with your car.

Yeah, Carl.

I love her.

So you should just let me go.

I did right by you!

I worked hard.

I was faithful.

I never blamed you for the boy.

I stayed!

You don't get to ask for more than that.

I'm askin', Carl.

Just not from you.

Harlan, baby, you get in the house now,
you hear?

Boy, you come here.

Better he sees who his mama really is.

- How she wants to break up the family.
- You leave him be. This is between us.

Harlan...

Harlan, it's okay, baby. It's okay...

No!

You okay?

Oh!

Oh, Harlan.

Oh, sh*t.

"...take this institution
to the heights it reached..."

My parents didn't die in a robbery.

They were ex*cuted.

k*ll order 743.

And I know who did it.

Five k*lled my family.

- No, don't k*ll us!
- No!

And AJ Carmichael gave the order.

It was him who made me an orphan.

Darling.

Little one...

your family is right here.

Yeah.

I wonder...

if that's what Diego
was sneaking around here looking for.

Trying to bury the evidence
so you'd never find out.

What... What're you talking about?

Diego doesn't know what Five did.

Darling, I'm gonna need you to be a titch
more clever about this.

That clown school that Five calls
"Umbrella Academy,"

it may be full of assholes,
but it's not full of fools.

They'refamily.
What one knows, they all know.

No, no, no, no. I... I was playing Diego,
he wasn't playing me.

Is that why you're crying in my office
while he's out roaming free,

laughing at you?

I didn't think he was smart enough
to pull this off.

He isn't...

but Five is.

And Diego listens to him and trusts him.

Five...

has been playing puppet master
all this time.

I'd say it's time
that we solved this problem...

once and for all.

Did you enjoy the show,
you little flotsam?

I don't know how you did it,
but I know your work.

I'm sure you think you're very clever.

The thing about fish, AJ,

is they're no match

for a shark.

Getting tired yet?

I can do this all day.

- Guys, this has to stop.
- Eat sh*t, Ape Man.

Hey! Assholes!

I'm done listening to you both.
I'm in charge now.

- Now, Luther! sh**t him!
- No! Luther, sh**t him!

- sh**t him!
- No, Luther, sh**t him.

Luther, sh**t him!

Luther, sh**t him.

Now, Luther!

- Luther...
- I'm sorry, buddy.

Now! Open the portal!

Right.

- Are you okay?
- Vanya.

Physically or emotionally?

You're alive.

- Did we save the world or what?
- I think so.

Building's still here.

Kennedy's a few minutes away.

- I can't still save him.
- No, Diego, wait!

President Kennedy arrives...

I still time to stop Dad
before Kennedy makes his final turn.

No, no, where are you going?

Look, I saw the expl*si*n.

I saw the tapes, Allison.

The expl*si*n causes doomsday.

You're safe now.

- He doesn't have to die.
- No, no, Diego...

are Governor and Mrs. Connally.

They have stayed in the limousine.

But the president, the First Lady,

the vice president,
and Mrs. Lyndon Johnson

are all walking along the edge
of this fence,

shaking hands with the crowd.

And they are being greeted by placards

of varying emotional and, uh,
political feeling...

Don't even think about it.

- Into the vortex you go, assh*le.
- Fine!

But give me the math.

So I don't end up looking like
Tiger b*at over here.

You stand next to the vortex
and I'll tell ya.

Go!

- Closer!
- This is close enough!

Now give it to me!

It was a typo.

Typo?

We put the decimal in the wrong spot

in our proof of the existence
of a bound for the number of limit cycles

of planar polynomial vector fields
of fixed degree.

We wrote down five-point-seven.
It should be...

...zero-point-five-seven.

Son of a bitch.

I knew that didn't look right.

All right...

I guess this is it.

This is it.

Go.

No!

Five!

It's shrinking!

The crowd yells.

And there's the president
of the United States.

We did it!

I can see his suntan
all the way from here.

The briefcase, you idiot.

What?

Hey, you know what?

A thank-you for preserving

- your existence would be nice.
- "A thank-you."

And here they come.
The presidential car is moving out...

Luther! Luther! Here he comes!

Kennedy's turning.

Look, there's Dad.

What do we do?

- Uh-oh.
- Yeah.

- Agh.
- Oh, sh*t.

Diego.

- It's happening again.
- Oh, Jackie.

No!

KLIF bulletin, from Dallas,

three sh*ts reportedly were fired
at the motorcade

of President Kennedy today,

near the downtown section.

- KLIF News is checking out the report.
- We will have further...

Where the hell is he?

This is a sad time for all people.

We have suffered a loss...

that cannot be weighed...

Someone even notified him. Oh.

- Congratulations.
- And to you.

I know that the world
shares the sorrow that Mrs. Kennedy...

Ah, you made it.

- Were you followed?
- Of course not.

I used the decoy.

Excellent.

- Champagne?
- There's nothing to celebrate.

Well, clearly, you haven't heard the news.

Our little Kennedy problem is solved.

He was not to be touched!
That was the deal.

Well, he had to go, one way or the other.

Pissed off too many people.

You lied to me.

We all got what we wanted.

The rocket technology you supplied us with

will enable us to b*at the Russians
to the moon.

And in turn, when we do arrive,

five or six years from now,

your interests
on the dark side of the moon

won't be affected.

Worthy of celebration...

don't you think?

You will never contact me again.

Good night, gentlemen.

Don't be too sure of that, Reg.

You're gonna keep giving us
that fancy technology of yours.

And why would I do that?

Because if you don't,

we'll tell the world who you really are.

Uh-oh. Someone's ready for a fight.

What's he doing?

Oh, my God!

"This is the start
of something bigger than yourselves,

and I will be the ne..."

Now is not a good time.

What?

- Well?
- I've never seen anything like this.

The anomaly is off the charts.

Have you shown this to anyone else?

- N-No, only you.
- Mmm.

Oop.

Recall all personnel from the field.

We're going to w*r.