04x04 - Eb's Romance

[bunniefuu]

("Green Acres" theme music)

♪ Green acres is the place to be

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me

♪ Land spreadin'
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling, I love you
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye, city life

♪ Green Acres, we are there

(spirited theme music)

- Here you are, sir,

one of our finest diamond
engagement rings.

- [Lorelei] Why, I
think it's beautiful, Eb.

- Are you sure there's
a diamond in there?

- Slightly less than
one and 1/2 carats.

(audience laughs)

- Golly!

How much is it?

- $28, uh, including a
genuine plush-lined box.

(audience laughs)

- Haven't you got
something bigger?

- Here you are, sir.

This is the biggest one
we have in the store.

(magical music)

- Oh, it's magnificent.

- That one is slightly
less than three carats.

(audience laughs)

- Wow, we'll take it!

How much is it?

- $47.50. (audience laughs)

- Oh...
- The other one is fine, Eb.

- Lorelei, you're
getting engaged to me,

and any girl that
gets engaged to me

deserves a slightly less
than three carat diamond.

(audience laughs)

- But if you can't afford it...

- No problem, no problem at all.

We can always arrange
suitable budget terms.

Uh, two dollars down
and a dollar a week?

- That's fine, uh,
here's my dollar.

Have you got yours,
Lorelei? (audience laughs)

- Well.

- Nevermind, I'll spring
for the whole thing.

Wrap it up.

- Well, there are
certain little formalities.

- We've already arranged
for our blood tests.

What else do we have
to do? (audience laughs)

- You have to fill
out this credit form.

Now, just fill that out,
and you sign here,

and then you get your
co-signer to put his signature

(tapping) right there, hm?

- Okay.

There.

Okay, Lorelei, you co-sign.

- Uh, just a minute.

I'm afraid she can't
be the co-signer.

- Why not?

It won't be long before
she's community property.

- But you see, with a
valuable ring like this,

we prefer to have a very
responsible co-signer.

Now, uh, how about your father?

- Sure, dear old dad just
loves to sign things for me.

- Eb, when am I gonna
meet your father and mother?

- Right after I get
him to sign this.

You see, he doesn't
know I'm getting engaged,

and when you hit Dad with
too many things at once,

he has a tendency to cr*ck up.

- That kid's enough to
drive anybody to distraction!

- What kid?

- Oh, Eb!

- What did he do now?

- He hasn't shown up yet!

I had to do all his work!

- Oh, that was a sweet
thing of you to do. (smooches)

- It wasn't sweet, and I'm
gonna teach him a lesson.

I'm gonna dock him a day's pay.

- That's a fine way
to treat your son.

- He's not my son!

- Hi, Dad. (audience laughs)

- Don't call...
- Sign here.

- Sign what?

- Your name. (audience laughs)

- I don't sign anything
unless I know what it is.

- If I tell you what it
is, you won't sign it.

- I'll sign it.

- Thanks, Mom. (audience laughs)

- Will you stop calling her Mom?

- Well, if I call her
Dad, you'll get jealous.

(audience laughs)

- What is it?

A credit application?

- Yeah, uh, just put your
name down there under mine,

and we'll be partners in a
diamond engagement ring.

- An engage...

You mean, you're
getting engaged to

whatever would get engaged
to you? (audience laughs)

- It's not a
whatever, it's a girl.

- Oh, congratulations.

Oliver, haven't you got
something to say to Eb?

- Not while you're in the
room. (audience laughs)

- I think it's wonderful.

Oliver, sign it.

- (stammers) Wait a minute here.

How much is this
ring going to cost?

- $47.50.

- Oh, you're a big sport.

- Well, you only
get engaged once.

- Who told you that?
(audience laughs)

- Lisa, let's not go into your
memoirs. (audience laughs)

- Aren't you gonna sign it?

- Who's the girl?

- Her name is Lorelei Appleby.

- And how long have
you been going with her?

- Since yesterday.

- Yesterday?

- I think that's very
romantic, Oliver.

- It's stupid.

- You're only saying
that because it took you

four years to poop the question.

- You don't poop a
question, you pop it.

- Well, whatever, you
were a very slow popper.

(audience laughs)

- What do you say, popper?

Are you gonna sign
that or aren't you?

- Eb, if you can't afford to
buy an engagement ring,

how do expect to support
this girl after you're married?

- Well, between you and me,
we oughta be able to swing it.

- Oh, no, I'm not about...

- Oliver, Oliver, sign it.

The boy's happiness
is in your hands.

- Yeah, am I gonna get married

or go through life a
spinster? (audience laughs)

- Oh, I wouldn't want
that on my conscience.

(spirited theme music)

- Oh, Mr. Haney,
well, how are ya?

- Do you really care?

- Well, I...
- I have a heavy heart.

Yes, sir, today I lost
one of my best friends.

- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Who was it?

- You. (audience laughs)

- What?

- I just come over to tell you

that I ain't gonna
talk to you no more.

- Oh... Well, good.
(audience laughs)

- No, sir, and I ain't
never coming over here

to see you again.

- Fine. (audience laughs)

- Ain't no need to beg me,
I ain't changing my mind.

This is goodbye.

- Bye. (audience laughs)

(humorous music)

(cow moos)

I thought you said goodbye.

- Well, I ain't said
goodbye to Eleanor.

- Be my guest.

- Goodbye, Eleanor.

I won't be coming
around here anymore.

I'm sure sorry to
leave you in the hands

of a man who would allow his son

to buy an engagement
ring from a total stranger

when me, his former
friend, has the finest

assortment of engagement
rings that was ever seen

by the human eye.
(audience laughs)

- I should have known.

- I would say you should have.

- In the first place,
Eb isn't my son.

And in the second
place, he can buy a ring

wherever he wants.

- What's been
done has been done,

and I don't see
no way to undo it.

Unless...
- Unless what?

- Unless you hire the
Haney Catering Service

to do all the catering for Eb's
wedding. (audience laughs)

- Look, I'm not...

- Now, we can furnish
you with several types

of wedding parties.

Starting with the Money
is No Object Affair,

which I'm sure is the one
that would appeal to you.

- I'm not interested.

- The Money is No
Object Affair includes

a fresh duck dinner, a
half a duck to each guest,

plus two glasses of
the finest imported

domestic champagne available,

and folding chairs, which
we guarantee will not

pinch the guests when they
sit down. (audience laughs)

- Look, I...

- In addition, the
unpinched guests will dance

to the music of
Carlos Wellnapper

and his all-girl
three-piece marimba band.

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Haney, forget it.

- Then you're not gonna do
anything nice for your son?

- Eb is not my son!

- And I am not your friend.

Doggone, Mr. Douglas,
I feel sorry for you,

being so alone in the world.

(audience laughs)
(melancholic music)

- Eleanor, come back
here! (audience laughs)

(spirited theme music)

- Eb, it's beautiful!

She's a very lucky girl.

- That's what I told her.

It looks even better on, try it.

(twinkling music)

Would you mind turning
yours off so I can see mine?

(audience laughs)

Golly, mine doesn't
sparkle like yours.

Maybe I oughta take it back

and get one with
a bigger diamond.

- How big is this?

- The man said it was
slightly less than three carats.

Maybe I oughta get one
that's slightly less than five.

(audience laughs)

- Eb, take my advice,
don't start off with a big ring

because if anything goes
wrong with the romance,

it'll be hard to get it back.

- Really?

- Yes, in the vault in New York,

I've got several large
hard-to-get-it-backs.

(audience laughs)

When are you going
to give it to Lorelei?

- I don't know, it all
depends upon her father.

First, I gotta get his
permission to marry her.

- He should be glad to
let his daughter marry

a nice fellow like you.

- I sure wish there was somebody

who could go over
and tell him that.

- Eb, would you mind help...

- Golly, my fair
godmother must've waived

her magic wand
and you showed up.

Will you do it?

- He'll be glad to.

- I'll be glad to do what?

- If you were
any kind of father,

you'd do it first and
ask questions later.

- For the last time,
I am not your...

- Oliver, all Eb wants
is for you to go over

to tell Mr. Appleby what
a wonderful fellow Eb is.

- You're the one who
wants to marry the girl,

tell it to him yourself.

- Yes, but how
can I convince him

I'm good son-in-law material?

- Show him swatches.
(audience laughs)

- You'd think a guy who's
partners in a $47.50 ring

would show a little interest.

- I'm showing as little as
I can. (audience laughs)

- Oliver, why are
you so mean to Eb?

- Because the whole
thing is ridiculous.

Meets a girl one day and next
day, he wants to get married.

- Love doesn't have
the hands of a clock.

- It sure don't.

- Eb, we don't need him.

If you want to make a good
impression on the girl's father,

do what Mr. Douglas
did to my father.

Lie a little. (audience laughs)

- I did not lie to your father.

- You certainly did.

You told him you had
a yacht, polo ponies,

and a coffee plantation.

- I never told him that.

- But then it must've
been the other fellow

who wanted to marry me.

Oh, you were the fellow
with the cheap suitcase

and the hole in your
pants. (audience laughs)

- I don't think Mr. Appleby
would be impressed

with a cheap suitcase
and a hole in the pants.

He's already got
those. (audience laughs)

Hey, maybe you could
get that fellow with the yacht

and the polo ponies to
adopt me. (audience laughs)

- Eb, why don't you just go
over there and talk to him?

Do the best you can.

- Well, could you
give me a little help?

- Such as?

- Could I squirt myself
with some of your

sweet-smelling cologne?

- Okay, go squirt yourself.

- How about lending
me your wristwatch?

- No.

- Could I borrow one
of your fancy vests?

- Eb, just squirt
yourself and go!

- Yes, sir.

(spirited theme music)

- Eb, I thought you'd gone.

- What kind of an impression
do you think I'd create

if I drove up to the Appleby's
on that motor scooter?

- Well, if you're worried
about it, why don't you walk?

- You don't find the son

of a wealthy plantation
owner walking.

The least I could do
is ride a polo pony.

- Eb...

- I sure wish I could borrow
somebody's fancy convertible

with the top down.

- You're not borrowing my car.

- Do you have a car like
that? (audience laughs)

- What are you leaning against?

- Golly, my fairy
godmother must've

waved her magic wand
again. (audience laughs)

- Okay, you can borrow the car,

but you better put a couple
of dollars worth of gas in it.

- Could you lend
me the two dollars?

- No, I've done
all I'm going to do.

- Dad, please, aren't you
going to change your clothes?

- What for?

- Well, Eb's coming over.

- What's an Eb?
(audience laughs)

- He's the fella that
wants to marry me.

- Oh, another one of
those. (audience laughs)

- This is the real thing.

Wait 'til you see the
engagement ring he got me.

- Did he get it out of one of
those iron claw machines?

(audience laughs)

- Oh, Dad, please, won't
you change your clothes?

- Nope.

- (sniffs) What's that?

Oh...

Well, you could at least move
these cabbages someplace else.

They smell awful.

- If I don't get
that engine fixed,

they're gonna smell
a whole lot worse.

One more day in this hot sun...

- But Dad, this is important.

I mean, don't you
want me to get married?

- Look, things are tough enough

without my supporting
a son-in-law.

- What makes you think
you'll have to support him?

- Well, if he's like
the rest of the kids

that drive up here in
their broken down jalopies.

(car engine roaring)

(tires squealing)

- Hello there, Lorelei!

(spirited music)
(audience laughs)

Howdy.

Is this your father's hired
hand? (audience laughs)

- This is my father.

- Oh, pleased to meet you.

My name's Dawson, Eb Dawson.

- Are you just gonna lie there?

- No, sir.

- Are you all right?

- Uh, fine, I'm used to
falling off my polo pony.

- Your suit's all dirty.

- Oh, that's okay,
I'll just throw it away.

(audience laughs)

I got a closet full of
them. (audience laughs)

- Gosh, what a beautiful car.

Where'd you get it?

- From the family car pool.

I thought I'd take the
convertible tonight.

(audience laughs)

I would've flown over,
but I didn't know whether

you had a landing
strip. (audience laughs)

- Well, I guess you
want to talk to Dad?

- About what?

- Getting married.

- Oh, yeah. (audience laughs)

- Well, I, um, I guess
I'll leave you two alone?

(humorous music)

- You oughta get those
cabbages to market before they rot.

- I really don't need
you to tell me that.

- Mr. Appleby, you're
probably wondering why

I drove over in this
expensive convertible.

Well, I've come to ask you

for a hand in your
daughter's marriage.

I mean...

- Will you please hand
me that wrench over there?

- Yes, sir.

What I meant to say
was, I've come to wrench

your daughter's hand.
(audience laughs)

- You mean you're asking me
if you can marry my daughter?

- Yes, sir, I guess you
could put it that way.

What do you say?

- First, I have to know
a little more about you,

your prospects and your family.

- Well, as you can plainly see,

I'm the son of a
very wealthy man.

- Oh? (audience laughs)

- Of course, Dad
wasn't always wealthy.

He started life out
with a cheap suitcase

and a hole in his pants, and
today, Mr. Douglas is about

the wealthiest man
in this whole valley.

- Who is Mr. Douglas?

- Oh, that's Dad.

- His name is Douglas
and yours is Dawson?

- Oh, I see what you mean.

Uh, you see, uh, Dad
doesn't like me using his name.

I guess he wants me
to make it on my own.

Now, about your daughter.

- (grumbling) This
miserable motor!

- Oh, let me
see if I can fix it.

- You really know
anything about 'em?

- Yes, sir, I repair all
my own racing cars.

(audience laughs)

Oh, here's your
trouble right here.

This wire's loose.

(zapping)

Take cover! (exploding)

(audience laughs)

- Oh, you stupid!

If I ever had a chance
of getting my cabbages

to market, you k*lled it!

- Well, uh, I've got an idea!

You can use my car!

- Your car?

- Uh, sure, I can use
one of Dad's other cars,

or one of his yachts.

- Oh, I don't know
about that, I...

- Don't worry about it.

Dad's real nice
about things like that.

- You lent him my
car? (audience laughs)

- Well, Mr. Appleby had to
get his cabbages to market.

They were getting pretty ripe.

- Eb, you had no right
to lend him my car!

- What is all the
hollering about?

- Oh, lover boy lent Mr. Appleby
my car to haul cabbages!

- Well, that was very
neighborly of him.

- Neighborly, my...

Look, now I want you to
go over and get my car back.

- I can't, Mr. Appleby left
for the county seat with

his cabbages, and he won't
be back until tomorrow morning.

- Then, I want you
to go over there

first thing in the
morning and get it back!

(spirited music)

(rooster crowing)

(humorous music)

(sniffing)

(approaching scooter)

- Howdy, Mr. Appleby!

(humorous music)

Didn't you have any luck
selling your cabbages?

- I couldn't sell my cabbages.

I couldn't even get
to the county seat!

Your car stalled, and I
couldn't get it start again.

I've been sitting
here all night,

waiting for somebody to come by.

- I can't imagine what
happened to the car.

Yes, I can, I forgot to put
gas in it. (audience laughs)

- I was planning on making
enough money on my cabbages

to meet my mortgage payment.

Now, if the bank
wants to get tough,

they can take away my farm!

- I wouldn't worry about that.

After Lorelei and I are married,

you can move in with Mom
and Dad. (audience laughs)

- Do you think I'd let
a knucklehead like you

marry my daughter,
hm? (audience laughs)

- Isn't there any way
that I can get back

in your good graces?

- Only the $180 I need
for the mortgage payment.

- $180? That's no problem.

I'll be glad to give it to ya.

Doggone, Dad forgot to give
me my allowance this morning.

But don't worry, I'll
get the money for ya.

Then can I marry Lorelei?

- You get the money,
then we'll talk about it.

- Where is that kid with my car?

I've got to get in to Druckers.

- Couldn't you walk?

- Why should I
walk if I've got a car?

- Where is it? (audience laughs)

- If Eb doesn't come
back with it soon...

- Hi, Mom.

Hi, Dad.

Beautiful day, isn't it?

- Where's my car?

- It's down the
road, it's out of gas.

Can I have some
money to get some?

- (sighs) How much do you need?

- $180. (audience laughs)

- $180 for gas?

- Well, I wanted to get high
octane. (audience laughs)

- Did anything happen to my car?

- No, sir.

- Then, why do you
need all that money?

- Well, you know the old saying,

"There's something
rotten in Denmark"?

Well, this is the same
thing but with cabbages.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, we had the same thing
in Hungary, but with goulash.

My mother used to make...

- I don't want to hear about
your mother's stale goulash.

I want my car back!

- Mr. Appleby's got it.

- Well, you get it
back from Mr. Appleby,

or I'll call the police and
tell them that he stole it.

- Fine thing.

Would you like me to marry
a girl whose father's a jailbird?

(audience laughs)

- Oliver, why don't you take
a slow walk into Druckers?

It will calm you down.

- I'm not walking.

I'll borrow this.

If you don't mind.
(scooter engine starts)

- Well, we won't be having
any trouble with him for awhile.

The handlebars are
loose. (audience laughs)

(spirited theme music)

- Eb, Eb, your lunch is ready.

- I'm not hungry.

- You're not hungry?

- No, ma'am.

I cannot think of food when
my whole world is crumbling.

To think how close I
came to getting married.

- Maybe if I went over
and talked to her father

I could change his mind.

- The only thing that's gonna
change his mind is $180

which I haven't got.

- Well, I haven't got
any money either.

Maybe this ring would help.

Why don't you take it to
the prawn shop and prawn it?

- Golly, I could
get, I could get k*lled

if Mr. Douglas found out.

- Oh, he wouldn't do that.

- He would if he thought
he could get away with it.

(audience laughs)

Hey, maybe I can
hawk my own stuff.

- Well, what have you got?

- Let's see, I've got
an Attwater Kent radio

that I can probably get $6 for.

And maybe I can get another
dollar for the earphones.

- That's a good start.

What else have you got?

- I've got a framed, autographed
picture of Anna May Wong.

That oughta be good for a
dollar if I throw in the frame.

- Well, you're up
to eight dollars.

Then, there's my
Norton b*mb site.

A fella once offered my
uncle a half million dollars for it

during the w*r.
(audience laughs)

I guess the parts oughta
be worth a couple of bucks.

- Now, you're up to $10.

- I need one big thing that I
could get the other $170 for.

(Eleanor moos)

And I think I found
it. (audience laughs)

(spirited music)

- Well, I see you
finally got the car back.

- Yes, sir.

You'll be happy to
know that Mr. Appleby

gave me a six-month
option on Lorelei.

- What does that mean?

- It means that if I
don't go near his house

for six months, he'll let me
ask for permission again.

- Congratulations.

- Now, things can get
back to normal around...

Where's Eleanor?

- Who?

- The cow.

- Oh, is she missing?
(audience laughs)

(thuds)

- Where is she?

- I think she went
bowling with...

- Eb! (audience laughs)

- You want her back?

- Yes!

- Okay.

No, this is the
Attwater Kent radio.

No, this is the
Norton b*mb site.

Oh, here's Eleanor.

- This is a pawn tick...

You pawned Eleanor?

- Not entirely, I held
out the milk rights.

You can go over to the pawn
shop once a day and milk her.

(audience laughs)

- Get her back.

- But...
- Get the cow back!

- It's not that easy,
I need two things.

- What?

- Your car and $170.

(spirited music)
(audience laughs)

- Lisa, would you mind
turning out the light?

- Why? What do you have in mind?

(audience laughs)

- I have in mind going to sleep.

I'm exhausted from Eb's romance.

- Well, love is a
many splintered thing.

- Uh, Lisa, would you
just turn out the light?

♪ Oh-Lay What is that?

(Mexican music)

♪ Oh-Lay

♪ Oh-Lay - Mr. Haney!

- Cut, cut! (music stops)

- What have we got here?

- May I present
Carlos Wellnapper

and his all-girl
three-piece marimba band.

Except for Carlos,
who I'm filling in for.

- You can take your band and...

- We just finished playing
a wedding reception

over at Crabwell Corner,
and I thought I'd drop by

and show you what you get

for your Money
is No Object Affair.

Now, if you'll just sit down
in these no-pinch chairs,

(audience laughs)

and munch on this half a duck,

the band will serenade
you with that well-known

Mexican folk song,

"My Nose Used to Bleed for Kitty

"When I met her in Mexico City".

(audience laughs)

One, two, three, four.

(Mexican version theme music)

- Oliver, I must
say you're a sport,

throwing a party
like this for me

at two o'clock in the morning.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, I
got nothing but class.

- Shall we dance?

- Why not? (audience laughs)

(Mexican version theme music)

("Green Acres" theme music)