04x13 - The Birthday Gift

[bunniefuu]

(jaunty, upbeat music)

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Lands spreading
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan just
gimme that country side

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling, I love you
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores, the stores

♪ Fresh air, Times
Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye, city life!

♪ Green Acres we are there!

(instrumental theme song)

- Oh hi.
- Hello, dear!

Lunch is ready.

- Oh good, I'm starved!

What are we having?

- It's a surprise, sit down.

There you are.

(audience laughter)

- Okay, I'm surprised.

What is it?

- Peanut butter!

(audience laughing)

Those are the peanuts
and that's the butter,

and you put them together and...
- Oh I see!

It's a do-it-yourself
peanut butter kit.

(audience laughing)

Look, Lisa...

- If you like the chunky style,

you can leave the shells on.

(audience laughing)

Have a good lunch.

- Hi, am I late for lunch?

- No, no, you're
just in time, sit down.

There you are!

- Oh, boy, my favorite!

Do-it-yourself peanut butter!

(audience laughs)

- Your favorite?
- Is there any jelly?

- Yes, there's some in the...

- Oh good, then I'll
save this for dessert.

(audience laughs)

I'll eat this first.

- What is that?

- It's a submarine sandwich.

I got it in Pixley.

It's got knockwurst,
salami, red peppers,

coleslaw, Gorgonzola
cheese, Tabasco sauce,

and a torpedo.

(audience laughs)

- Oh for...

- Get a saw and
I'll cut you a piece.

(audience laughs)

- No thanks.

Lisa.

- Wait a second
until I turn this off.

- What do you
have to turn it off for

you haven't got it plugged in.

- Well, on Mondays
I never plug it in.

You see, Monday and
Wednesday are unplug days

and Tuesday and
Thursday are plug-in days.

(audience laughs)

- Today is Friday.

- Oh, then I shouldn't
be doing this at all!

(audience laughs)

- Lisa...
- Did you enjoy your lunch?

- I want to talk to you.

Don't you think it's about time

you learned how to cook?

- One thing at a time!

I'm just learning
how to vacuum clean.

(audience laughs)

- Well I think you ought
to concentrate on cooking.

As a matter of fact, I
think I better give you

a cook book for your birthday.

- My birthday?

When is that?

- Next Wednesday.
- It is?

Oh I forgot all about that.

But everything I want I
made up on this list right here.

(audience laughs)

- It's more like a catalog.

Must be 25 items here.

(audience laughs)

- To make it easy for you,

I divided the list into groups.

Here's the diamond
group, the fur group,

and the stock and bond groups.

(audience laughs)

- Don't you have a cheap group?

- No, only these three.

Shall we start with
the diamond groups?

- Alright, there's
nothing there.

What's the next group?

- The diamond tiara with
the rubies and emeralds

doesn't appeal to you?

- No, not particularly.

- You could make
a good buy on it,

my mother wants to sell hers.

- Well I'm sorry to
disappoint the old...

Here let's look at the furs.

Nothing there either.

- Well what about
the chinchilla coat

with the sable collar
and the mink boots?

(audience laughs)

- No.

- It would look
beautiful with the tiara.

- No.

- My aunt is going
to be very unhappy

because she was sure you'd
buy her coat and the boots!

- You and your
secondhand family.

I'm surprised your father
doesn't have something to sell.

- That's under the
stocks and bonds.

(audience laughs)

- Lisa, I'm gonna
buy you a present

but let's be sensible.

How about something
for your wardrobe?

How about a dress?

Oh, no, you've got
enough dresses here

and shoes and hats.

How about a nice belt
buckle with your initials on it?

(audience laughs)

- That's what you bought
me for our anniversary.

(audience laughs)

- Hey, what's this?

- Oh that's my riding habit

I got before we moved
out here to the country.

I thought we were
going to have horses.

- Well, I never...

- That's the one
thing I miss the most

from when we lived in New York.

Remember how every
day we used to go

campfering through
the Central Park.

- Oh yeah, I always
enjoyed campfering.

(audience laughs)

Wait a minute, you say
you miss horseback riding?

- Mm-hmm.

- Why don't I buy you a
horse for your birthday?

- Oh that would be wonderful.

- You got it!

- Oh, Oliver, you true
blue with blood to match.

(audience laughs)

- Psst, Mr. Douglas.

- Mr. Haney, what are you...
- Shh!

- Mr. Haney, would
you mind telling me

what your truck is
doing in my barn?

- I didn't want the
little woman to see it.

- Why not?

Haney's Curbside
Birthday Shoppy?

- That's just the
English pronunciation.

We're affiliated with
Crugwell's of London.

- Crugwell's of London.

- Now just what
did you have in mind

to get Mrs. Douglas
for her birthday?

- That is none of your business.

- May I suggest a browse
through our jewelry department?

- Mr. Haney, I am
not... (playful music)

- Now close your eyes while
I run through the combination.

- Mr. Haney, you're
just wasting your...

(lock clicks into place)

(audience laughs)

(alarm sounding)

- It's connected direct
to Scotland Yard.

- Oh, this...

- Now here is a
beautiful birthday gift

that would look wonderful
hanging on Mrs. Douglas' neck.

The Hope diamond.

- The Hope diamond?!

- It was wore by Bob Hope

in The Road to South Africa.

(audience laughs)

Now while you're
making out your check,

I'll have it gift wrapped.

(bell dings)

(audience laughs)

- Who was that?
- Who was what?

- A hand just came out of the...

- That's Mrs. Crugwell, she
does all of our gift wrapping.

(audience laughs)

Now to go with the lavaliere,

oh, Mr. Douglas, may I
have your attention please?

- No, how did you...

- To go with the lavaliere,
may I suggest a mink stole?

The mink stole, please.

- I don't want a...

- Thank you, Ms. Glovewell.

Ms. Glovewell is in charge
of Crugwell's fur department.

Mr. Douglas, the fur is here.

- Yes, but who's in that safe?

- Now, as you can see, this
is a genuine Afghanistan mink.

- That's dyed rabbit.

- That is correct.

When the rabbit d*ed,
it's last wish was to be

an Afghanistanian mink.

(audience laughs)

- That's the most ridiculous...

- I suppose you want
this gift wrapped, too?

(bell dings)

- Who's back there?

- Oh, that's Ms. Pennyweather.

She's been with
Crugwell's for years.

(audience laughs)

Now to complete your
birthday shopping...

- Forget it.

- You mean you're not gonna buy

Mrs. Douglas a birthday present?

- I know exactly what
I'm going to get here.

- Could you give
me a slight hint?

- No, thanks.

All I have to do is tell
you, the next thing I know

you'll be showing up here
with a tired looking horse.

- Horse? (audience laughs)

It just so happens...

- Forget it, I'm not
buying anything from you.

- But Mr. Douglas!

We won't be needing
that, Mrs. Crugwell.

Put it back in stock.

Everybody, take
an hour for lunch!

(audience laughs)

(playful, quirky music)

- Oh hi, Mr. Kimball.

- Which one of you
seeds said that?

- I said that.

- Oh hi, Mr. Douglas.

Mr. Douglas, you know
you got a small wart

on the end of your nose?

(audience laughs)

Or is that a small nose
on the end of your wart?

Well, I'd have them both removed

just to be on the safe side.

- Oh for the love of...

- The department just
sent me a new strain

of high-bred corn seed.

Yeah, they're supposed
to be frost-resistant.

I don't think so.

None of them are
wearing earmuffs.

(audience laughs)

Yeah, I saw that
on the joke page

of the Agricultural Quarterly.

Or was it the Annually?

Well, it doesn't
make any difference

it was an old copy anyway.

- Mr. Kimball, I'm
in a sort of a hurry.

- Oh, in that case, I'll come
back when you have more time.

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Kimball, Mr. Kimball.

I came here to see you.

- Oh, what about?
- I'm looking for a horse.

- Well, where did you lose him?

- No, I didn't lose him.

I want to buy one.
- From who?

- That's what I came to ask you.

You know all the
farmers around here.

Now, do you know anybody
who has a horse for sale?

- Let's see.

Yeah, Charlie Wainwright.

I passed by his
place this morning.

He had a sign out
front, "Horse for sale."

It's a beautiful place, I
know you're gonna like it.

Two bedrooms, a bath,
large service porch.

No, I guess the sign
said, "House for sale."

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Kimball, I
want to buy a horse.

It's a birthday present.

- Oh, you want to buy a
birthday present for a horse.

(audience laughs)

May I suggest...
- No, no.

I want to give my wife
a horse for her birthday.

- Say, that's a very nice idea.

Very thoughtful.

Yeah, there's not many
men who would think

of giving their wife a...

What are you giving her again?

- A horse!

(audience laughs)

Now, do you know
any farmer around here

who has a nice,
gentle animal for sale?

- Gentle animal?

Gentle animal.

Must be a horse, huh?

(audience laughs)

- Yes.

- Let's see.

I have it.

Well, I don't have
it, Mr. Haney has it.

- Mr. Haney is the
last man in the world

I'll buy a horse from.

- Now look, we gotta
make a good impression.

Will you straighten
up and stop slouching!

- I'm tired.

- And be quiet!

- Why?

- Well, people ain't interested
in buying a talking horse.

- When I was on television,

do you know how much
money they paid me to talk?

- You ain't gonna
make any friends

if you go around telling
people big lies like this.

- It's not a lie.

I was on television.

I was Mr. Fred.

- And I was Lum and Abner.

(audience laughs)

- But I tell ya, I was Mr. Fred.

- Would you keep
your mouth shut?

At least until I've sold you.

- How much are you
going to ask for me?

- $50.

- Do you know how
much I used to get

for one TV show?

- If you don't keep
quiet, it's the glue factory.

(audience laughs)

- If I had just saved my money

instead of blowing it
betting on auto races.

- Oh hello there, Mr. Haney!

- Howdy, Mrs. Douglas.

- Who is that?

- That is the horse

that your husband
ordered for your birthday.

- Oh, he's beautiful!

- So are you, baby.

- Why, Mr. Haney!

- Oh I'm sorry, I
just got carried away.

- Oh, I love him.

How much is he?

- Well, I was gonna
charge $200 for him,

but since it's your birthday

you can have him for a hundred.

- How much...

- But you have to
keep his mouth shut

he's a fly-swallower.

(audience laughs)

Now if you'll just
write out a check.

- Oh, my husband will
give you the money.

- Well, I don't plan on
being around town too long,

so if I could get it from you

then you could get it from him.

- Oh, certainly.

(playful, upbeat music)

(horse neighing)

- [Mrs. Douglas] Tally-ho, dear!

- Where did you get the horse?

- This is my birthday present.

Mr. Haney said you
ordered him for me.

- Mr. Haney?

Get off.

- But Oliver...
- Get off.

- Oh, Oliver.
- Come on.

Come on there, boy, here we go.

- What are you doing?

- I'm taking him
back to Mr. Haney.

- Why?

He's such a wonderful horse.

We've been jumping over fences

and galloping and...

- If this was Haney's horse

there has to be
something wrong with him.

I'm taking him back
before I have to pay for him.

- I already paid him.

- You didn't!

- I wrote him out a check
for a hundred dollars!

- I gotta call the bank

and stop payment on the check!

- But Oliver...
- What a sorehead.

(audience laughs)

I used to have a
producer like him.

- You're plugged, what
number do you want?

- Hello, Sarah,
would you get me...

- Just a minute, Mr. Douglas,
I have another call.

- Hello, Sarah?

Can you get me
Hooterville 2-6...

- I can't hear you, Fred.

- Oh, Arnold, will you
cut off that dang TV?

(television clicks off)

Thank you.

Sarah, will you
get me Hooterville...

- Hello, Sarah?

- No, this is Fred
Ziffel, who's this?

- Oliver Douglas.

- Oh, Mr. Douglas, well
nice of you to call me.

- I'm not calling
you, I'm calling...

- Just a minute, Mr. Douglas,

I have another buzz.

- Hi, Sarah, this
is Ralph Monroe.

- Would you get me...

- Sarah, have you
got the correct time?

- My clock stopped,
I don't know.

Wait a minute, I'll ask Fred.

Fred.
- No this isn't Fred,

it's Mr. Douglas.

- Oh, excuse it, please.

- Fred, do you
know what time it is?

- No, I haven't got my watch on.

Arnold, go on and see
what the right time is.

(audience laughs)

- Hold a minute, Ralph.

- Thank you, Sarah.

- Hello, hello?

- Howdy-doodie, Mr. Douglas!

Do you know what time it is?

- Hold your horses,
Arnold's gettin' it.

(audience laughs)

10 minutes to 11.
- Thank you.

- Now, may I get
my number please?

- Just a minute.

I'm getting a buzz
on my trunk line!

(audience laughs)

This is the
Hooterville operator.

- Hello, Hooterville,
this is Chicago.

I have a call for
Mr. Oliver Wendall Douglas

from Paris, France.

- Paris, France!

- Hello, Sarah?
- Guess what, Fred?

Mr. Douglas is getting
a call from Paris, France.

- Well, how 'bout that, Arnold.

Mr. Douglas is getting a call

all the way from Paris, France.

- Who's calling
Mr. Douglas from Paris?

- I don't know,
maybe is Fifi D'orsay!

(audience laughs)

- Hot Ziggity!

Arnold, you know
who's calling Mr. Douglas

from Paris, France?

Fifi D'orsay!

(audience laughs)

Sarah, be sure and
let Arnold talk to her.

He's wearing his beret.

(audience laughs)

- Operator, have you
gotten through to my son yet?

- Well, I'm working on it.

Hello, Hooterville?

Would you please put
Mr. Douglas on the line?

- Mr. Douglas, I'm
getting a call for you

from Paris, France.

- Paris? Hello?

- Hello, Oliver?

- Hello, Fifi.

(audience laughs)

- Who's that?

- Mr. Ziffel, would you mind?

- Just a minute,

Arnold wants to say
hello to you, Ms. D'orsay.

(pig oinking)

- Oliver, have you got a cold?

- No, that was Arnold.

- Arnold, who?

- Mr. Ziffel's pig.

(audience laughs)

(speaking in comically
broken French)

- Who's on the phone now?

- Sam Drucker.

Who's this?
- It's Fifi D'orsay, Sam!

(audience laughs)

- Fifi D'orsay!

Hot Ziggity!

- That's my mother.
- She is?

Did you hear that, Sam?

Fifi D'orsay is
Mr. Douglas' mother.

- Will you clods
get off this line?

I'm trying to talk to my son.

Hello, Oliver?

- Yes, mother.

- You sound just
like your father,

may he rest in peace.

Not that he will
after the life he led.

Drinking and carousing
and coming home

any old day of the week.

You'll never know
how I suffered.

- Yes, I do.

You've told me a thousand times.

When did you get to Paris?

- Six months ago and if
you called me once in a while

you'd know.

- Fine son, you ought
to call your mother

at least once a week.

Even if it's collect.

(audience laughs)

- Will you get off the phone!

How have you been?

- Pretty good, except I
get a twinge in my shoulder

once in a while when
I... (audience laughs)

- Mr. Drucker, look,
I'm not talking to you!

Mother, are you alright?

- I'm fine.

I just called to tell you that
Lisa has a birthday next week

and be sure to
buy her a present.

- I'm getting her
a present, a horse.

- Oh, well then I know
what I can get for her.

A riding outfit.

- She has a habit.

- You mean that same horrible
habit she had in New York?

I thought she got rid of that.

- No, she doesn't
want to get rid of it.

- Oh, well I'll find
something for her.

Give her my love.

And do try to call
me once in a while.

- I will, goodbye, mother.

- Bye, Fifi.

- Aw reservoir, Ms. D'orsay.

(pig oinking)

- Oh for the love of...

- Well you heard what Fifi said.

- What'd she say?

- Said poor Ms.
Douglas had a habit.

- What kind of a habit?

- I don't know, she
said it was the same one

she had in New York.

- Oh, well I guess that explains

why they moved out here.

Try to cure her.

Probably fresh air's
good for that sort of thing.

- What sort of thing?

- Her horrible habit.

- I don't believe it.

- Well, there's one way to
find out what her habit is.

I'll drop over there

and do a little detective work.

- Where did those come from?

- They belonged to Mr. Haney
when he owned the place.

He used to make patent
medicine during prohibition.

(audience laughs)

- Oh.

- The stall in the back
of the barn is full of them.

- That's where we're
going to keep the horse.

- Not that horse.

(glass bottles clanging)

The minute I can
locate Mr. Haney,

he's going back.

- Oh!
- What do we do?

- You just keep on cleaning.
- Yes.

(quirky, playful music)

- [Mr. Kimball]
Hello, Mrs. Douglas.

- Oh hello there, Mr. Kimball.

Would you help me up, please?

- Oh yes, certainly.

Easy there, easy, easy.

- Thank you.

(glass shattering)

- Oh it looks like
you've been busy.

- Yes, is there something
I can do for you?

- No, but I think there's
something we can do for you.

(audience laughs)

Yeah, you should have
seen that pile of empties.

I had to help her up.

She staggered around.

Boy, it was pitiful.

- That's hard to believe.

I never saw Mrs. Douglas
(impersonates slugging).

- Probably a quiet
drinker like the chief.

He used to sneak up
on the roof for a snort.

Nobody would have ever known

except one day he
fell down the chimney.

(audience laughs)

- We've gotta help
that poor woman.

- Yeah, but how.

- Well, we gotta talk to her

and get her to
lay off the booze.

- Hi.
- Howdy, Mr. Douglas.

Is Mrs. Douglas home?

- Yes, yes. Lisa?

- Oh hello there!

Ralph, Mr. Drucker.

- Can we talk to you?

- Why certainly, come on in.

- We want to talk to her alone.

- Well I...
- Alone!

(audience laughs)

- Well of all the...
(horse neighing)

Cut that out!

- This is a nice surprise.

Could I get you
something to drink?

- Drink?

Oh no, ma'am.

See we, that is, Ralph
has something to say to you.

Don't you, Ralph?

- Oh, well, there's no point
in b*ating around the bush.

Sam here wants to talk to you.

Don't you, Sam?

- What about?

- Well, maybe I
will have that drink.

- He means a soft drink.
- Yeah, soft! Soft!

(audience laughs)

- Why didn't you talk to her?

- Well, it's not easy.

I gotta find a way to
bring it out in the open.

- There, that ought to
hold you 'til tomorrow.

Now, eat it, settle
down, and go to sleep.

- How 'bout a blanket?

- There's a blanket...
(audience laughs)

Who said that?

- The cow.

- Don't be silly, a cow...

- You better close your mouth.

There are a lot
of flies in here.

(audience laughs)

- No, it's not possible.

Oh, that's very funny.

Alright, Eb, where are you?

- No, he went out an hour ago.

- I didn't ask you.

(audience laughs)

I must be hearing things.

- Like what?

- I could have sworn,

oh, oh! (audience laughs)

- Goodnight, dummy.

- Now, what is it you
wanted to talk to me about?

- Well, you see, we, well,

we heard about your habit.

- Oh, that.

- Well then you do have one?

- Would you like to see it?

- No, no.
- No, no, no, no, no.

(audience laughs)

- What's the matter
with the two of you?

- Well, we came over here

to try and help you
get rid over your habit.

- Why should I get rid of it?

I love it.

(audience laughs)

- Yes, but it's...

- Oliver, what's the matter?

- That horse.
- What about him?

- Do you know
what he said to me?

- The horse said to you?

- Yes. (audience laughs)

He asked me to
get him a blanket.

- He asked you to get him...

- Let's go, Sam.

- But...
- Let's go, goodnight.

- But I thought you wanted to...

- No, some other time.

(quirky, playful music)

- Oliver, do you
want to lie down?

You don't look well.

(audience laughs)

- That poor woman.

- Yeah, there didn't seem to
be any sense in talking to her.

- No, I don't approve of it

but I guess I can understand
why she has that habit.

- Yeah, if I had a husband
that talked to horses

I'd hit the bottle, too.

(audience laughs)

- As I walked out
of the barn he said,

"Goodnight, dummy."

(audience laughs)

- There, there.

You'll feel better
in the morning.

There.

- Dummy. (audience laughs)

(quirky, playful music)

(instrumental theme song)

- [Mrs. Douglas] This has been

a Filmways
presentation, darling.