04x14 - Everywhere a Chick Chick

[bunniefuu]

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye, city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

("Green Acres Theme Song")

- [Eb] Mr. Douglas!

Mr. Douglas, come
out here, quick!

- Oh, I wonder
what's the matter?

(door banging) (exclaiming)

- Don't stand there
holding your nose,

come on outside!

(groans)

- [Oliver] Will you tell
me what's the matter?

- Look!

- Oh, honey, well,
congratulations!

You're a father!

- Lisa!

- Aren't you gonna
give me a cigar, Dad?

- The only thing
I'm gonna give you...

- Ah, we better
take care of them.

(chirping)

- The mother will
take care of them.

- Well, she's probably
still in the hospital.

Do you think you ought to
send her some flowers, Oliver?

- Yes, that would
be a nice thing to do.

- Oh, and you better
go into Drocker's

and get some bottles and nipples

and get the formula
from the doctor.

- Lisa, they're chickens.

Put them in the oven.

- That's a nice thing to
do to your own children!

Fricassee them.

- I'm not gonna Frica, no
just put them near the stove

to keep them warm.

- Ah, then you do care.

- You're a good man.

You don't pay much,
but you're a good man.

- Lisa, did you...
- Shh.

Now you woke the kids up.

- Oh.

But that's the silliest
thing I ever heard of.

- Wait 'til you hear this.

This is to give the
chicks a bath in.

- You can't bathe them.

- Oh you want to raise
them up to be hippies?

- Great.

Then we'll have a
couple of hip chicks.

- Out!

- I need him.

He's going to take them
for a walk after their baths.

- Lisa, don't you
understand, they're chickens.

You don't raise
chickens like children.

- Chickens do.

- Chickens do.

- That's what Mrs. Douglas said.

- I know!

- Then why are you getting mad?

- Because they're...
- Since when do you

know so much about
how to raise chickens?

- Because, for the
last couple of months

I've been thinking
about raising chickens.

- Uh oh.

- What is that supposed to mean?

- That means you're
gonna do it again.

But this time with chickens.

- Look, Eb.

- Every time you think about
doing something on the farm

it's the start of
another catastrophe

like your corn catastrophe,
the wheat catastrophe

and all those other, to whom
it may concern catastrophes.

- Eb, I don't need you to...

- I think it's a big mistake
to go into chicken farming.

- Out!

And this time I mean it.

- Yes sir.

- Oliver.

Why don't you listen to Eb?

- Why should I
listen to a stupid kid?

- Well, guess who's
generation gap is showing?

- Lisa, there's a lot of
money in raising chickens.

As a matter of fact,
Mr. Kimball promised to bring me

some of those department
of agriculture pamphlets

on the subject.

- There you are Mr. Douglas.

Now these are the
pamphlets you requested

on raising chickens.

- My name ain't Douglas.

- Then why'd you
ask for the pamphlets?

- I didn't ask for no pamphlets.

- Just a second.

I remember distinctly, well
I don't remember distinctly,

but I remember his
wife, Gladys, distinctly.

Yeah, she was
a tall girl with uh,

no, she was a short girl with,

did you ever meet
her Mr. Douglas?

- I told you I ain't Douglas.

- You're not?

- No, I'm Fred Ziffel.

- Are you sure?

- I oughta know who I am.

- Yeah, I guess you should.

Who are ya?

- I'm Fred Ziffel.

- Then what are you doing
with Mr. Douglas' pamphlets?

- Oh, hello Mr. Kimball.

- Hi Mr. Ziffel.

- Look, I'm not Mr. Ziffel.

- Strange.

The other fella said his
name wasn't Douglas

and you say your
name isn't Ziffel.

What are you
people trying to pull?

- Look, Mr. Kimball,
I've been expecting you.

- To do what?

- To bring over those pamphlets.

- Oh.

That why you came over?

- Yes, that's why I came over.

- Well, thanks a
lot for your trouble.

You can drop in any time.

- Mr. Kimball, the pamphlets.

- Oh yes, thanks for them too.

- May I please have them?

- Why certainly.

Oh by the way, what are
you gonna do with them?

- I'm going to read 'em.

- Why?

- I'm going to raise chickens.

- To be what?

- What do you usually
raise chickens to be?

- Gee, I don't know, I
never read the pamphlets.

- Goodbye Mr. Kimball.

- Goodbye Mr. Ziffel.

That's funny, sure
doesn't look like Mr. Ziffel.

- How many chicks are you
figuring on buying Mr. Douglas?

- I thought I'd start
out with about 1,000.

- Oh, you know when
you buy baby chicks

there are a lotta problems.

First you need a brooder house.

- Yes I know about that.

I've already called Alf
and Ralph to come over

and partition off
part of the barn.

- Good.

You'll need a heater for
the brooder house too.

You see, normally young chicks

sit under their
mother to keep warm.

But if you have 1,000 chicks,

you either need a brooder
or an awful big mother.

- I'm aware of that.

- Hey, maybe you could
borrow my brother's brooder.

It used to be my
mother's brooder,

but she gave the
brooder to my brother

because my mother
had another brooder.

And I didn't have another
brother who needed a brooder.

- Are you finished?

- Yes sir, unless you'd
like to hear about my sister

with the blister.

- Hello there.

- Hello.

Now we're gonna need
some water in the brooder

so I thought what we would do,

we would take some.

Lisa, would you mind
keeping those things quiet?

- You heard your
father, no more peeping.

I just wanted ask Eb if
you could take the kids

for some air.

- Sure.

Where's the baby carriage?

- I left it outside
the back door.

- Yes ma'am.

- A baby carriage?

- But it isn't really
a baby carriage.

It's the wheelbarrow.

But I fixed it up.

I put some ribbons
on the handles.

- Oh, fine, fine.

- Oliver.

Do you mind if I turn on the TV?

- Yes, I...
- But I want to watch

Tomorrow Will Be Brighter.

It's my favorite soap opera.

- Lisa, I'm up to my...

- I don't know why they
call it the soap opera.

I've been watching
it for two months

and nobody ever took a bath.

- Lisa, I'm trying to...

- It's about this woman
who is in love with two man.

One is a jockey and the
other one is sick all the time.

But she can't tell
which is which,

because yesterday she
dropped one of her contact lenses

in her soup.

- May I?

- Where are we going?

- We are not going anywhere.

You are going out.

And don't come back!

- They just wanted to
say bye bye to Papa.

- I want you to build
me a brooder house.

- In here?

- No, not in here!

- Oh good.

For a moment I thought
you might want us

to destroy the
magnificent work we did

to make this room the
palatial, whatever it is.

- It's supposed to be a bedroom

and I'll discuss that with you

when you finish building
the brooder house.

- If that's what you want,
You've come to the right people,

didn't he Ralph.

- He sure did.

What's a brooder house?

- Now look.

- Where's your
sense of humor doll?

- Will you keep your
hands off of me?

- I'll try but it won't be easy.

- Now where do you
want us to build this,

what's the name of it again?

- A brooder house.

Maybe I'd better
get somebody else.

- Will you stop
worrying Mr. Douglas?

We specialize in
building, uh, um, uh,

whatever you call those those.

- They're called boodo houses.

- No, broodo hou,

booder, uh Buddha, Buddha house?

- Buddha house?

Oh sorry, we don't
build religious structures.

- How big do you want
this broozle house?

- Big enough for 1,000 chicks.

- Oh then we'll
have to figure out

how many square feet we'll need.

Have you got the slide rule out?

- I'll need 960 square feet.

You'll have to partition
off part of the barn.

I wanna move some walls.

Wait, I made a sketch here.

There you are.

- This won't work!

- Why not?

- The ceiling's on the ground

and the floor is up in the air.

- You've got it upside down.

- Oh, so that's what
bugle house looks like.

- Yes, I want you
to build one for me.

Now how long will
it take to finish it?

- Let me see the
slide rule Ralph.

- I'll tell you how
long it will take.

I want it finished in one week.

Boy.

- Precious is sure
in a bad mood.

He didn't even kiss me goodbye.

- Oh Mr. Drucker.

- Be right there.

Hi folks.

- [Oliver] Hiya.

- Oh, Mr. Drucker,
what's the matter?

- I was just watching
today's episode

of Tomorrow Will be Brighter.

- Oh, I missed it.

What's his name
wouldn't let me watch.

Did the woman find her
contact lens in the soup?

- Yeah but one of the
noodles scratched it.

- How could a noodle scratch it?

- Well maybe it
wasn't cooked enough.

- Anyway, she could
hardly read the letter

she got from her boyfriend.

- The jockey?

- No the one that
was sick all the time.

He wrote her to tell her

he was running off
with his lady druggist.

Didn't really love her,
but it was the only way

he could figure to get his
medicines at a discount.

- Mr. Drucker, if you don't
mind I'd like to order some...

- Just a minute.

I want to find out
what's going to happen

to that poor woman.

- Oh things are gonna
get worse, much worse.

Some nut talked her
into raising chickens.

Well, Mr. Douglas,
what can I do for ya?

- Eh, I came in to
order some baby chicks.

- You're going to raise
chickens in the face

of that poor woman?

- Yes, I am, right in her face.

I want about 1,000 of them.

- Are you sure you don't wanna
wait 'til tomorrow's episode

and see how that poor
woman makes out?

- No.

- 1,000 chicks.

You want 'em
straight run or sexed?

- Sexed.

- Why do you need sexy chickens?

- Not sexy, sexed.

You see at the hatchery
they have these experts

who determine whether the
chicks are male or female.

- Well why do you
have to know that?

- I'm a busy body!

- Seems to me you don't
need an expert to find that out.

All you have to do is put
all the chickens together

and the ones that wink
are the boy chickens

and the ones they wink
at are the girl chickens.

- I'd like white leg ones.

- Yes sir.

- And I'll need a brooder.

- Why buy one?

Maybe you can borrow
Eb's brother's brooder.

It was his mother's brooder,

but she gave the
brooder to Eb's brother

because his mother
had another brooder.

- I heard all about
Eb's brooder's brother,

er breeders brother,
er, breeders, brooders.

- Did you hear about
his sister with the blister?

- Mr. Drucker will you just
order the chicks for me?

- Yes sir.

And the brooder?

- Please.

- How about some feeders?

This is a Fedder feeder.

- Are we going to
feed them feathers?

- No no, this feeder
is made by Fedders.

Fact it's the finest
feeder Fedders makes

and Fedders Feeders are
the leaders among feeders.

- Well what do
you need that for?

- Well this is what
the chicks eat out of.

- Well we don't need those.

We've got an extra set of china.

- Have we got enough silverware?

- Well, we could use
a few more spoons.

- Just order the feeders
and anything else

you think we might need.

Thank you.

Now come on Lisa.

- Are we going home?

- No, I thought it would be nice

if we could stop by and see if
there's anything we could do

for Eb's sister's blisters.

(horn honking)

What was that?

Oh, it's you Mr. Haney.

- At your service Mr. Douglas.

- [Oliver] Member
of the Fryers Club!

- It's a play on words.

- Oh, well thanks
for letting me see it.

- Well now that I've brought
a little levity into your life,

may I have your check
or money order for $50?

- For what?

- The Haney chicken raising kit.

Which contains
all of the essentials

for starting your
own chicken farm.

- I don't need any
of your essen...

- Now may I introduce
you to the egg making team

of Raul and Vera.

(roster crows)

you probably saw 'em on the
Ed Sullivan show years ago

when they was the stars
of Chuckawalla's Chickens.

- I suppose they
were a dance team?

- No they was
an ice skating act.

- But they'd still be
with Chuckawalla

but while Vera was
doing her famous imitation

of Sonja Hiney, she
sprained her ankle.

And the doctor said she
could never ice skate anymore.

- Ooo, that's sad.

- Yeah, but the show must go on.

So while Vera was convalescent,

she learned to play the piano.

- What?

Look, I don't...

- Play something
for Mr. Douglas Vera.

- What the?

- She sure has a
great beak for Mozart.

- Look, I don't
need a chicken act.

- Neither did anybody else.

That's why Raul and
Vera were forced to return

to their native
craft of egg laying.

From their eggs are hatched

the most beautiful
chicks in the world.

- I've already ordered 1,000
chicks from Mr. Drucker.

- Well having
chicks is one thing.

But getting 'em to lay
eggs, that's another.

That's why you'll need this.

The Haney egg laying
inducing machine.

- The egg laying inducing?

- Protected by the U.S.
Patent number 165437284.

- Look, I...
- Dash 8.

Now this machine
works on the principle

that if you don't
work you don't eat.

May I demonstrate?

- Is there any way
to prevent you?

- No.

Now the hen, or as
we call her, the layee,

sits here at the
top of the machine.

Now when she lays an egg it
drops down through this funnel

and proceeds down
this series of troughs

and the egg is sized and
candled while in full motion.

When the egg reaches
the bottom it hits this lever

which rings a bell.

This is a signal to
her partner, Raul,

it's the signal for
him to pull that string.

And that releases
chicken feed for her

from this feed bin.

- I can't believe it.

- That's what they said
at the U.S. Patent Office

when they first saw it.

- Now to start the
egg production,

first we have to
prime the machine.

Now for this we use a golf ball.

You ready Raul?

The golf ball has
just been candled.

Now that the cycle has started,

the hen knows that
she's got to lay an egg

in order to get food.

- Why doesn't she just drop
another golf ball down there?

- Oh, that would be cheating.

Now if you'll just be patient,

Vera will start her egg
production any moment.

You'd better avert your
eyes, Vera's a little shy.

- Mr. Haney we could
stand here all day

and nothing. (Vera clucks)

- Raul, how many
times have I told you,

never pull the string
on a broken egg.

- Thank you Mr. Haney.

- Then you're interested
in making a purchase?

- I'll take three golf balls.

- Raul, will ya cut that out?

Vera's eating up
all the overhead.

- Yeah, the boozer house
is all finished Mr. Douglas.

- It's not a boozer.

- You'll love it precious.

- And don't call me precious.

- You're blushing.

- Just took us five
days, like ya said.

- Of course we had
to work overtime.

It's gonna cost ya a
little more than ya figured.

- How much?

- You got the slide rule out?

- Nevermind that.

Just show me what you've done.

- I'm sure it's gonna thrill ya

to the cockles of
your black little heart.

- Well let me be
the judge of that.

I wanna see.

- Ralph, you were
supposed to tell him

about the chicken wire.

- No, you were supposed
to tell him about it.

- You hammerheads.

What did ya put that there for?

- Well that's to
keep the chickens

from getting outta
the brooder house.

- Yeah, the brooder house.

Where is it?

- You're standing in it.

- Yeah, it runs from
the chicken wire

to the back wall of the barn,
from that wall to that wall.

- I didn't want you to
use the whole barn!

- Well it's the only way we
could make a 980 square feet

like you wanted.

- Oh Al!

- That'll be $4,000.

- For what?

Some chicken wire?

- Oh, I forgot about
the chicken wire.

That's another $44.

- I'm not gonna pay you a cent.

- After all the work we
did clearing out the barn.

Removing the cow stall.

- Yeah what.

Where's Eleanor?

- We put her up in Eb's room.

- What?

How did you get her up there?

- It wasn't easy.

- Well get her down.

- Oliver.

Mr. Drucker called.

The chicks are at his store.

- Yeah, and your brooder
and everything else you ordered

are there too.

- This place is a wreck!

Oh all right, we'll use it.

- That'll be $4,000.

- Eb, take my car and go to
Druckers and pick up the chicks.

- Oh I don't have to get 'em.

I told Mr. Drucker to give
the head chick your address

and tell the other
chicks to follow him.

- Eb, get the chicks!

- Yes sir.

- And don't forget
his check book.

- You're not getting
paid anything.

- Why not?

- Look where they put Eleanor.

- Isn't that nice?

Now she has a room of her own.

- Eb, you see this thermometer?

- What'd you say?

- I said you see
this thermometer?

- Just a second,
I can't hear you.

Would you chicks keep quiet?

- Now what were you saying?

- You see the thermometer
here on the brooder?

- Yes sir.

- The temperature has
to be kept at 90 degrees.

So I want you to
keep an eye on it.

And if it drops below
that, you call me.

No matter what time
of day or night it is.

- George.

Michelle.

Boris.

- Lisa, what are you doing?

- I'm giving the chicks names.

Edward.

- Now what was I saying?

- Some crazy thing about
me watching the temperature

all day and all night.

- No, you don't have
to watch all night.

We'll take turns.

You watch for four hours
and I'll watch for four hours.

- Where am I supposed to
sleep when I'm off watch?

- Up in your room.

- Eleanor's got my room.

- You take the first watch.

- Holy smoke.

Mr. Douglas, Mr. Douglas.

(knocking at door)

Mr. Douglas, Mr. Douglas.

(knocking at door)

- What's the, what's the matter?

- I don't know.

Come in.

- Mr. Douglas,
something just happened

to the hooter on the breeder.

Brooder on the hooter.

Well it isn't working.

The light went out and
the temperature's dropping.

- Oh.

How are the chicks?

- Not so good.

They're all standing around
shivering and coughing.

- Well they'll get pneumonia.

- Oliver, Oliver do something.

- Well what can we do?

- Well you're not
very good in a crisus.

- A crisis.

- I always thought
it was crosis.

- Whatever it is, we've
gotta find some way

to keep those chicks warm.

- Leave it to a woman.

Should I turn the
blanket up to high?

- No, no, about
half way'll be alright.

- This sure was good
thinking Mr. Douglas.

You sure are a lot
smarter than Mr. Douglas.

- Oh, he would've
thought of it eventually.

- Are you gonna use this
room for the brooder house

from no own?

- Oh no, no, no.

They go back to the
barn just as soon as I get

Mr. Drucker to replace
that defective brooder.

Mr. Drucker.

Mr. Drucker?

- [Drucker] Coming.

- Uh Mr. Drucker,
I've got a very sick...

- Doggone, that program
gets sadder every day.

- Oh I missed it again.

What happened to
the poor woman today?

- Nevermind, I've
got my own problems.

- Not like hers.

'Member I told
ya about that fella

who was sick all the time

and left her and she was
gonna start a chicken farm?

Well she ordered a buncha
chicks and the very first night

something happened
to the brooder.

The chicks were all
gonna get pneumonia.

But do you know what she did?

- She brought them
all into the bedroom

and put them under
the electric blanket.

- Oh, you saw the program.

- No, I didn't.

Lisa, did you get
the idea from the...

- No I didn't.

I didn't see the program.

- Well then how
would you know what...

- I guess all women
think alike in a crusis.

- Cresis.

- I always thought
it was crisis.

- Look Mr. Drucker, the
brooder went off last night,

it's defective.

- Oh I'm sorry.

Well I'll replace it, but
it'll take about a week.

- A week?

What am I gonna do with
the chicks in the meantime?

- You've got the same
problem as the poor woman.

I wonder how she's
going to get out of it.

- Yes, I wonder.

Sara, I want the Columbia
Broadcasting system in New York.

Yes, I wanna talk to the
poor woman who's the star

of Tomorrow Will Be Brighter.

("Green Acres Theme Song")

- [Woman] This has been a
Filmways presentation darling.