04x17 - Law Partners

[bunniefuu]

(whimsical music)

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me

♪ Land spreadin'
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling, I love you
but give me Park Avenue

- [Eddie] The chores.

- [Eva] The stores.

- [Eddie] Fresh air.

- [Eva] Times Square.

- [Eddie] You are my wife.

- [Eva] Good bye, city life.

♪ Green Acres we are there

(whimsical music)

- Oliver, Oliver!

- What do you want?

- What did you say?

- I said, what do you want?

- I can't hear you.

- Oh, for the love of.

- Oh, for the love of what?

(audience laughing)

- Lisa, I'm shaving.

- I can't understand
a word you're saying.

- Of all the stupid.

- Who's stupid?

(audience laughing)

- I didn't say you were stupid.

- What was that?

- Oh, forget it.

- I don't want to forget it.

(audience laughing)

- How come you can only
hear me when I mutter?

- Did you say something?

- Your mother smokes goulash.

- What does your mother smoke?

(audience laughing)

- She must have a
microphone in here.

- Look under the sink.

(audience laughing)

- Excuse me, is this
the Douglas farm?

- That's right.

- Are you Mrs. Douglas?

- I am now.

My maiden name was Gronyitz.

That's spelled G-R-O-N,
with a yitz on the end.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, I'm Brian Williams.

Is your husband home?

- He's in the bathroom

looking under the
sink for a microphone.

(audience laughing)

- I'm afraid I don't understand.

- Well, you see, when...
- [Oliver] Lisa?

- Yes.

- [Oliver] Is
breakfast ready, oh?

- Oh Oliver, this
is Brian Williams.

- How are you?

- Uh, uh, Mr. Drucker suggested
I come over and talk to you.

- [Oliver] Uh huh.

- If you have the time.

- Yes.

- Why don't you come and
have some hotcakes and talk.

- No thanks, I've
already had breakfast.

- Oh, some people
have all the luck.

- Oliver!

- Uh, come in and
have some coffee.

(whimsical music)

- Are you sure you
don't want any hotcakes?

- Oh, no thanks, just coffee.

- Well, we can't
let this go to waste.

(audience laughing)

- Now uh, what can I...

- By the way, are you married?

- Uh, no ma'am.

- That's fine.

Gelda isn't married either.

- Gelda?

- You know, my unmarried
cousin in Budapest.

- Well, why don't you get
Mr. Williams some coffee?

- Please call me Brian.

- Oh, that's Gelda's
favorite name, Myron.

- Brian.

- Myron, Byron, hmm, that's
very musical, so is Gelda.

- The coffee.

(audience laughing)

Now uh, what did you
want to talk to me about?

- Well, you see,
I'm an attorney.

- Oh, so is Mr. Douglas.

- I know, that's why Mr. Drucker
suggested I talk to him.

Uh, uh, you see, uh, I graduated
from law school a year ago.

(whimsical music)

- It's a little weak today.

(audience laughing)

- Do you take cream and sugar?

- Just sugar.

(whimsical music)

- You were saying?

- Uh, after I got
out of law school

I worked as a law
clerk for Judge Houston

up at the county seat and I.

(whimsical music)

- You should see what happens
to it when it's really strong.

(audience laughing)

You still with Judge Houston?

- I was until last week.

- Oh, you got fired?

- Oh no ma'am, I'd
taken my bar exam,

and I've decided to
open my own law office.

- I remember when I
opened my first law office.

- He would have starved to death

if it hadn't been for my father.

He used to come every
week with a big bag of money.

- Your father never
had a bag of money.

He never even had a bag.

(audience laughing)

- Well, that's
gratitude for you.

After all the things
my father did for you.

- The only thing your
father ever did for me

was to let me watch
his apple stand

when he went out to lunch.

(audience laughing)

- Well, how would you
like to open your office

with a big divorce case?

- Oh Lisa, now you're
embarrassing Brian.

Where are you
planning to practice.

- Right here in Hooterville.

- Hmm, that's a good idea.

When I bought this farm

it was always my intention
to open a law office here.

- That's what
Mr. Drucker told me,

and I wonder if you'd consider
going into practice with me?

- Well.

- It would be a big break for
me to be in with an older man.

(audience laughing)

- What?

- I meant uh, a man that
had more experience.

- Ooh, he had a
lot of experience.

Before he married me, he
used to run around with a blonde.

- He's not talking about
that kind of experience.

(audience laughing)

- I know this idea
is kind of sudden,

but I'd appreciate if
you'd think about it.

- I will, but I don't
want to hold you up.

- Oh, you won't.

I have to look for
an office anyway.

If you don't mind I'll
call you in a few days.

It's been very nice
meeting you Mrs. Douglas.

- Thank you.

If you can wait a minute,

I'll get you a picture
of my cousin Gelda.

- Do you have one that
doesn't show the tattoo?

- She isn't tattooed,
she's a very nice girl,

and she led a
very sheltered life.

- Yes, yes, a sheltered life.

She lives in a lean-to on
the outskirts of Budapest.

(audience laughing)

- Oliver!

- Call me, Brian.

- Right.

(whimsical music)

- [Eb] Mr. Douglas?

- [Oliver] Ooh.

- You know Dudley, don't you?

He works for us as a scarecrow.

- Yes, I know him.

Dudley came to me with
a problem this morning.

He needs $10.00 for a new
suit of old scarecrow clothes.

- A new suit?

Look Eb, I've got
problems of my own.

- Dudley would appreciate it,

if you could give him an answer.

He wants to got back to work.

- Eb, please, I'm trying
to think something out.

- No talking Dudley.

- Look, let me ask
you something.

If I was to decide
to open a law office,

do you think you could
run this farm without me?

- Who are you talking
to, me or Dudley?

(audience laughing)

- You, do you think you could?

- There must be
someway to answer that

without insulting you.

(audience laughing)

- Eb, I asked you a question.

- Well, would you
give me a raise?

- Naturally, I'd give
you a fair increment.

- Yeah, but would you
give me more money?

(audience laughing)

- That's what an
increment is, a raise.

- You just can't bring yourself
to say money, can you?

(audience laughing)

- Eb, there's no sense in
arguing about something

that's not definite yet.

I haven't made up my mind.

- Oh, then all this
talk about more money

was just a come on
to raise my hopes.

You had me reaching

for the pot of gold at
the end of the rainbow,

and then what do you do?

Pull the pot out from under me.

- I'm sorry I brought
the whole thing up.

- What about Dudley?

Do you want me to
take him to the tailor

and have him fitted?

- No!

- Come on Dud, I'll put
you back in the tall corn,

so the crows can't see
the holes in your pants.

(audience laughing)

- Oliver, what are you going
to do about the law practice?

- Well, I...

- Now, what ever you
decide I won't interfere.

- Thank you.

- All the time
we've been married

I never told you what to do.

I always minded my
business about your business.

- And I appreciate that.

- You wanted to be a
bootlegger, I never said a word.

I told you to go right ahead.

- I never wanted
to be a bootlegger.

That was your uncle.

(audience laughing)

- I knew it was
somebody in the family.

- Lisa, where's
my gray sport coat?

- I think I put it in
the other closet.

Well, what did you decide?

- Well, I...

- Not that it's any
of my business.

It's your life and you
have to do the best of it.

- [Oliver] Yeah.

- Anyway, a wife's place

is to walk three paces
behind her husband,

and pick up his
clothes after him.

- [Oliver] Lisa.

- That's all a woman has to do.

Walk and pick, walk and pick.

- Fine.

- Well, it isn't much fun.

- [Oliver] Uh.

- But that's what a
woman has to do.

- Do you want to
hear my decision?

- Well, you already told me.

You were going to
wear your gray coat.

- I mean about practicing law.

- Ah, you're still
thinking about that?

- Yes, I've decided
to go in with Brian.

- Oh, that's wonderful.

I hope you two will be
very happy together.

Of course, that's what they
told us before we got married,

but then it didn't
work out that way.

(audience laughing)

- Where's my coat?

- Which one?

- The gray sports coat.

- Oh, I gave that to
Eb to give to Dudley.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, for the love of.

- Oliver, Oliver,
where are you going?

- In to Drucker's,
see if I can find Brian.

Tell him my decision.

- Well, that ought to
make him very happy.

- Yes, it makes me happy too.

I guess next to farming

the one thing I've
always wanted to do

was open a law
office in a small town.

You know, here a man

can practice the law
of Abraham Lincoln.

You know, it was in a
town no bigger than this?

Lincoln first hung out his
shingle dedicating his life

to bringing the protection
of the law to all people,

regardless of race,
creed, or color.

- Oliver, the fife
player has a new tune.

(audience laughing)

- I intend to follow
Lincoln's credo,

and see that the
law is of the people,

by the people,
and for the people.

- Abe.

- [Oliver] Hmm?

- You forgot your hat.

(audience laughing)

("Battle Hymn of the Republic")

(whimsical music)

- Well, I sure am glad
to hear that Mr. Douglas.

You won't be making a mistake.

Brian's a nice boy.

- You've known him a long time?

- Oh yeah, fact is I
used to spark his aunt.

We had quite a romance going.

She used to come
in here every night

and play checkers with me

and eat Horehound
drops and drink Moxie.

We would've got married,

except I found out she
was cheating on me.

- Cheating?

- Yeah, every time I went to get

another bottle of
Moxie out of the cooler,

she'd move a checker.

That's when I broke
off our engagement.

- Well, that's uh...

- Never could stand a
checker cheatin' woman,

but the boy turned out fine.

- I'm sure he did.

Do you know where
I could find him?

- Find who?

- Oh, uh, Brian Williams.

- Oh yes, I saw him over in
um, who's Brian Williams?

- Agatha Toomey's nephew.

- Oh, then why didn't
you say so (chuckles)?

Who's Agatha Toomey?

(audience laughing)

- Brian Williams aunt.

- Oh, who's Brian Williams?

- Oh, Mr. Kimball, will you...

- Brian Williams,
Brian Williams.

Where'd I hear that
name before, hmm?

- Sam, just mentioned it.

- Sam who?

- Me.

- And you say you're
Agatha Toomey's aunt?

(audience laughing)

- Oh, for the love of...

- Nice fella, Brian.

I hear he's going to
marry your cousin Gelda.

(audience laughing)

- She's not my cousin.

- Say uh, do you suppose
you could get me a copy

of one of those pictures
showing Gelda's tattoos (laughs).

- How did you hear about that?

- Well, a county agent's gotta
keep his ear to the ground.

- That explains how you got
all those rocks in your head.

(audience laughing)

- It does?

No, there must be
a better explanation.

- Mr. Drucker, I'll go
look for Brian myself.

- Brian myself?

I thought you said his
name was Brian Williams?

(audience laughing)

- It is.

- Say, he wouldn't be Agatha
Toomey's nephew by any chance?

- Yes, he is.

- Who is?

- Brian Williams!

- Oh, well, I just saw him,

he was looking for
an office with Haney.

- With Haney.

(whimsical music)

- Ah, won't that make
a great lawyers office?

- Well, I don't think this is...

- Now, if you'll just
sign this five year lease.

- I'm not signing anything.

- But you couldn't find a
better location for an office.

On the one side you've
got the Bijou Theater,

and on the other is
Tess's Taco Parlor,

which is only open
during the pickin' season

when we import our w*tbacks.

- Sorry, I really don't.

Hello Mr. Douglas.

- Oh, Mr. Douglas.

- Did you sign anything yet?

- No, I didn't.

This boy wanted me
to sign this lease, but I...

- I'm not talking to you.

- No, I haven't
signed anything yet.

- Good, well, I've been
looking all over for you,

because I wanted to tell
you that I thought it over,

and you've got
yourself a law partner.

- Well, that's
wonderful Mr. Douglas.

- May I be the first
to congratulate you.

Whilst I'm shaking his
hand, you can sign this.

- Will you put that away?

Have you seen anything
that looks any good?

- Not yet.

- If you'll just follow me.

- Mr. Haney, we don't
wanna see anything

that you're trying to rent.

- You're not interested

in a magnificent
suite of three offices

in the heart of
downtown Hooterville

for only $22.00 a month?

- Yes, we'd be
interested in that.

- Follow me.

(whimsical music)

Here we are gentlemen.

Ain't it beautiful?

(audience laughing)

- Gas?

- Well, people have
more trust in gaslit lawyers.

It gives them that Abraham
Lincoln feeling about him.

- Yeah, well, I...

- Incidentally, Mr. Douglas,

your wife owes me a dollar
rental for that Honest Abe hat.

Well, how do you like it?

- It hasn't got a window.

- That's one of the advantages.

Keeps your cases confidential.

No need to worry about
a fella across the street

peeping at you with a
high-powered telescope.

- Oh, that's no problem.

- Now, let me show
it's other advantages.

Running water.

Now, over here we have
this burglar proof wall safe

for your important documents.

(audience laughing)

Doggone, somebody
swiped the back off of it.

(audience laughing)

- You said this place
had three rooms.

- It does, there's this room

and then two
others down the hall.

One marked men, and
the other marked women.

(audience laughing)

- Come on, that does it.

- The place wouldn't be
too bad if it had a window.

- It seems to me
it did have one.

I remember when my
cousin papered this place.

(whimsical music)

Heck, you're right
on Main Street.

- What do you think Mr. Douglas?

- Well, we could try it on
a month to month basis.

- How much would it be?

- $18.00 for the
months with an R in 'em,

and $22.00 for the others.

- We'll give you $18.00
a month and that's it.

- Okay, I suppose you
wanna split the 18 between ya.

That'll be $14.00 from
you and $12.00 from you.

- You'll get $9.00
from each of us.

- Doggone, there ain't no profit

in doing business with a lawyer.

(audience laughing)

(whimsical music)

- Oliver, are you going to
read all these books tonight?

- No, this is my law library.

I'm trying to get them
in some kind of order,

so that Brian and I can use
them in the office, you see.

I've run across
books I'd forgotten.

McElvain's Constitutional Law.

- Oh, I enjoyed that.

- You read it?

- No, I saw the movie.

- The movie?

- With Alice Faye
and Rudy Vallee.

- Black's Law Dictionary.

Oh, my mother gave me that
when I graduated from Harvard.

- Did your mother
call you Lambie Pie?

- Huh?

- To Lambie Pie, my
favorite law student.

Passionately, Gwendolyn.

- Gwen, Gwendolyn,
yes, I remember her.

Uh, where's volume six of
the Harvard Law Review?

- What does it look like?

- Like this.

- Oh, I think i
know where it is.

I'll get it.

(whimsical music)

- Where do you want these?

- Where were they?

- Dudley was readin' them.

- Dudley.

- He don't wanna be
a scarecrow all his life.

(audience laughing)

- Just put them on the bed.

- Yes, sir.

When you opening the office?

- Pretty soon.

- Could you be more definite?

So's I know when I
take over the farm.

- You're not taking it over.

- I'm not, but I've already
ordered my overseer's whip,

so I can ride around on my
horse and b*at the coolies

when I'm in a surly mood.

(audience laughing)

- I'm only going to spend
a little time in the law office.

Most of the time
I'll be right here.

- Fine thing.

Now, I'm stuck with
a horse and a whip.

(audience laughing)

- What a nut.

- Oliver, here's the book.

- Oh, hey, that's cold.

- Well, I was using it

to hold up the shelf in the
refrigerator with the milk.

- You shouldn't.

- Oliver, do you think I should
order a whole new wardrobe

to wear in the office?

- Well, what do you
mean to wear in the office?

- Well, if I'm going
to be your secretary,

I have to wear
the right clothes.

- Well, that's very nice of you,

but we really don't
need a secretary.

- Well, Perry Mason
always had one.

- You're not equipped
to be a secretary.

- Oh, now you're
knocking my equipment.

- Well, there's a little
more to being a secretary

than having equipment.

You have to take
dictation, shorthand, typing.

- And did you ever
see my gold metal?

- For what?

- Being the best
student in the class

in the Budapest
Secretarial College.

- Oh Lisa, you.

- Well, just wait a moment.

Dictate something.

- Very well.

Dear sir.

- Oh, just wait a moment.

First I have to sit down,
and cross my legs.

I got an A in leg crossing.

(audience laughing)

- Dear sir, in reply to
your letter of the 14th,

I beg to inform you that
we can not handle your case

due to a conflict of interest.

Very truly yours, et
cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

Now read that back please.

(speaking in foreign language)

- Et cetera, et
cetera, et cetera.

(audience laughing)

- What was that?

- That's what you
said in Hungarian.

- Hungarian?

- But, that's the only kind
of shorthand they teach

at the Budapest
Secretarial College.

(audience laughing)

- A man's wife shouldn't
work in his office.

- Well, nobody will
know that I'm your wife.

I'm going to use my maiden name.

- No, that will make...

- From now on I will be
known as Miss Gronyitz.

That's spelled G-R-O-N,
with a yitz on the end.

(audience laughing)

(whimsical music)

- [Oliver] How about that?

- Where is my name?

- Secretary's don't have
their name's on the door.

- They do in Hungary.

All the secretary has to
do is be nice to the boss.

You'd be surprised how
many doors I had my name on.

(audience laughing)

- Well, come on.

- Well, aren't you going to
carry me over the threshold?

- You don't do that in offices.

- They do in Hungary.

The boss always carries the
secretary over the threshold.

You'd be surprised
how many thresholds

I've been carried over.

- If it'll make you happy.

(whimsical music)

You must've had some pretty
strong Hungarian bosses.

- Oliver!

- Oh, good morning.

- Well, good morning.

- Eh, this is an old
Hungarian custom.

This is our secretary,
Miss Gronyitz.

- Is here anything I
can do for you, sir?

- Yes, go down to the car

and bring up the
rest of the law books,

and then go out
and get some coffee,

and then come back up
here and dust the office.

- Yes, sir.

Is there anything I can
do for you, Mr. Williams?

- No, nothing.

- Good, I think
I'll work for you.

(audience laughing)

You get your own secretary.

(audience laughing)

- I'll get the rest
of the books.

- Is there anything
else you want me to do?

- Nothing.

- Good, then I'll go
and have my hair done.

Can I have an
advance on my salary?

- We never said
anything about a salary.

- Okay, let's say
something about it.

- You'll get paid
for what you do.

(knocking on door)

- Do you want me to get that?

- Please.

- That will be $6.00.

- Just answer it.

(knocking on door)

- Oh, hello there Mr. Haney.

It's Mr. Haney.

Who shall I say is calling?

- Uh, uh, Mr. Haney.

- Whom do you wish to see?

- Uh, Mr. Douglas.

- Oh, won't you sit down?

I'll see if he's in.

Mr. Douglas, are you
in for a Mr. Haney?

- Eh, Lisa, exactly what
do you think you're doing?

- The secretarial bit.

Lesson number seven, when
the boss isn't in for everybody.

- Oh, well, Mr. Haney
is standing right there.

He can see me and I can see him.

- Oh, all right.

Mr. Douglas can see you.

- Thank you.

- Mr. Haney, if you're
here to sell us anything.

- Tut, tut, tut, Mr. Douglas.

This is purely a social call.

I come here to wish you luck,

and to present you with
this token of my esteem.

- What the?

- Ooh, that's cute.

- Now that's something
that any law office

should be proud to have.

That little fella
was the key witness

at the Stoke's Monkey Trial.

(audience laughing)

- The Stoke's Monkey?

- It was presented to me
personal by Clarence Darrow

for the undercover
work that I done for him

during that trial.

- This is a gift?

- A gift.

- No strings attached?

- No strings, but if you ever
need a private investigator

you'll find my phone number
pasted to his little bottom.

- Ah, well, I don't
think we'll need any.

- Now, how are you
fixed for diplomers?

- I've got a diploma.

- Is it legitimate?

- It's from the
Harvard School of Law.

- Well, the clients
you get around here

ain't gonna be impressed by
a small town college like that.

(audience laughing)

- That's right.

- Harvard happens to be...

- Now, here's one that
will really impress folks.

Here is a dimplomer
that gives you a PhD

from the Stankwell
Falls University.

Now, for an added fee
they will attach a writer

which entitles you to
perform brain surgery.

- Mr. Haney, I've got the...

- How often to you
have to feed this?

- Ah, twice a day.

- Mr. Haney, if you
don't mind, we're busy.

- Well then, I won't keep you.

I just wanna wish you luck

and collect the $8.00
for the stuffed monkey.

- You said it was a gift.

- Only if you
purchase a diploma.

(audience laughing)

- Give him the monkey.

- I've become attached to it.

(audience laughing)

- Give him the monkey.

(Lisa whimpers)

- Oh, Mr. Williams, do
you have a diplomer?

- Yes.

- But, do you have
a stuffed monkey?

- He doesn't need one.

Now, will you leave us alone.

- Certainly, good day,

or as Clarence Darrow
was fond of saying,

a lawyer who doesn't have
jurice has very little prudence.

(whimsical music)

- Has no jurices.

- Now what?

- Oh, well now we
rent some furniture,

and we have a telephone put in,

and by this time next week
we should be open for business.

- Like they say on television,

be sure to tune in next week.

(audience laughing)

Will Oliver and Brian
get their furniture?

Will they get their telephone?

Will they get a client?

Will Gelda get here
in time from Budapest

to marry Brian?

Will Mr. Drucker ever play
checkers with Aunt Agatha again?

Will Eb be able to
run the farm and...

- Lisa.

- What?

- Will you empty this?

(audience laughing)

Let's go to lunch.

(Lisa scoffs)

(whimsical music)

(whimsical music)

- [Eva] This has been a
Filmways presentation darling.