(upbeat country music)
♪ Green Acres is the place to be
♪ Farm livin' is the life for me
♪ Land spreadin'
out so far and white
♪ Keep Manhattan, just
gimme that countryside
♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay
♪ I get allergic smelling hay
♪ I just adore a penthouse view
♪ Darling, I love you,
but give me Park Avenue
♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air
♪ Times square ♪ You are my wife
♪ Goodbye city life
♪ Green Acres we are there
(twanging theme song plays)
- [Haney] What do you say, Sam?
- You want me to
give you how much?
- Just $500.
- Close the door quietly
on your way out, Haney.
- But Sam, we'll
all be millionaires.
- Look, Fred, if you think
this is such a great invention,
why don't you go to the
bank and borrow the money?
- Because they'd want
to know what it's for,
and then the
secret would be out.
- Yeah, we want to keep
it a closed corporation
between us three.
- And we're cuttin'
you in for a third.
- How much you
puttin' up, Haney?
- Nothin'.
That's the first
rule of big business,
always use somebody
else's money.
- Well, I ain't interested.
And even if I was,
I haven't got $500.
- You can mortgage the store.
- There is a mortgage on it.
- Well, put a second on it.
- I've got a second on it.
- How 'bout a third?
- Look, I'm already up to
six and pushin' for seven.
- But Sam, this is
the greatest thing
that Luke ever invented.
- Well, how could a
machine possibly make milk?
- Well, you'll see
soon as Newt
comes with the proof.
- Look, I already
got b*rned once
on one of Loony
Luke's inventions.
I lost $50 on that electric
spat buttoner of his.
- But Sam... (door opens)
- I got it.
Luke made it for me
fresh while I was there.
- Now what more proof
you want than that, Sam?
- That's no proof.
- Taste it.
- What's it taste like?
- Milk.
- Let's have the $500, Sam.
- You fellas go out and milk
a cow and expect me to...
- This come from Luke's
milk-makin' machine.
- I saw it work.
Luke put some hay in
the top of this contraption,
and then he turned
a couple knobs,
then the machine started
gurglin' and thumpin.'
Then the bell rang,
and out came some
milk at the other end.
- Out.
- How 'bout the $500, Sam?
- Out!
- Well, ain't but
one thing left to do.
We'll just have to go
over and sweet talk it
out of Mr. Douglas.
(upbeat, gentle music)
- Oh, hi.
- Oh, Oliver?
Would you give me a couple
of eggs from the icebox, please?
- Yeah.
- Oh, and I need some milk, too.
- Uh-huh.
What are you doing?
- I'm making a
chocolate cake for desert.
- Lisa, you don't know how
to make a chocolate cake.
- Well, it's very
easy with this.
See?
- Bibber's Instant Cake Mix.
- You heard their slogan.
You can't make a
booboo with Bibber's.
- No, I don't believe I...
- That has everything in it.
All you have to do is add
milk and eggs to the contents.
- Well, that sounds
like you, uh...
(stammers)
Uh... - Now the eggs.
- Uh, Lisa... - One,
two.
It couldn't be simpler
than this, could it?
- Uh, no, but...
- After adding the
eggs and the milk,
mix the contents thoroughly.
(sloshing)
Well, that ought to do it.
- Look, at that will do it...
- Place in a medium
oven for 15 minutes.
- Uh, Lisa, don't you think
you ought to use a pan?
- For what?
- To bake the cake.
- But it doesn't
say so on the box.
- Well, I know, but I...
- Will you let me know
when it's 15 minutes?
- Uh, I, uh... (knocking)
- Oh, and also answer
the door, please.
- Uh, yeah.
- Think you better knock again.
- No, shh. I hear him comin'.
Smile.
(goofy, lackadaisical music)
- What the...
- Mr. Douglas, don't
you look generous today?
Don't he look generous, Fred?
- Oh, he sure does.
- Uh...
- May we come in?
- Yes, yes. Come in!
- Wipe your feet, Fred.
- Hey, hey, why
don't you wipe yours?
- Because I don't
own a pig farm.
(goofy music)
- Well, gentlemen, what can I...
- Oliver!
Is the 15 minutes up?
- Lisa, you just...
- Oh! Hello,
Mr. Ziffel, Mr. Haney.
- Oh, hello, Mrs. Douglas.
- Mrs. Douglas,
if you don't look
as pretty as a possum
climbin' out of a barrel
of new sour gum.
- Why thank you.
- Thank you, what does that...
- Just wait, I'll give you boys
a piece of chocolate cake
if you can wait 15 minutes.
- We'd be peckerwood proud to.
- Lisa, that cake
isn't going to...
- Let me know
when it's 15 minutes.
- Dog gone, Mr. Douglas,
it don't seem fair,
you havin' a
beautiful wife like that,
livin' in a expensive
place like this,
havin' all that
money in the bank.
- Money?
- It's strange that you
should mention that word.
Ain't it, Fred?
- I didn't...
- Haney, cut out
the double talk.
Let's get down to business.
Mr. Douglas, we need $500.
- $500?
- Strange you should mention
that amount, Mr. Douglas.
- Haney.
Will you lend it to us?
- Well, uh, would you mind
telling me what you need it for?
- Investment.
- It's gonna make
us a million dollars,
and we're gonna
cut you in for a half
of one percent.
- Uh, yes, but what kind
of an investment is it?
- You're gettin' a
little nosy, ain't ya?
- Well, if you want
to borrow it from me,
I think I have a
perfect right to...
- Is the 15 minutes up?
- No, it's...
- You let me know.
- Yes.
- Oh, you're gonna
lend us the money?
- No!
- But you just said yes.
- I was talking to my wife.
- What about?
- Well...
- Where do you
keep your checkbook?
- Oh, we oughta get it in cash.
- You're not getting a cent
unless you tell me
what you need it for.
- Should we let him in on it?
- You think we can trust him?
- He's the only one we
know that's got $500.
- Well, that sounds
like a good reason.
Show it to him.
- There you are.
Now, may we have a check?
- For what?
- What's it look like?
- Milk?
- Taste it.
- What's it taste like?
- Milk.
- Good. The money, please?
- I'm not giving you $500
just for a taste of milk!
- Well, you would if you
knew where it come from!
- I assume it came from a cow!
- (chuckles) That shows
how dumb you are.
- What?
- Mr. Douglas, this milk was
hand made by a machine.
- A machine?
- Right. Luke Needlinger's
milk-makin' machine.
You put hay in one end
of it, put on the switch,
milk comes out the other end.
- What?
- It's the greatest
thing since Bellmeister
invented the peach pitter.
- I never heard of...
- That's the one that
revolutionized fruit salad.
- You two don't really
believe that it's possible
for a machine to make milk?
- Ah, we sure do.
And it'll replace the cow.
- You are out of your minds!
- That's what they
told Bellmeister
when he come up
with the peach pitter.
But last year, the
fruit salad people
threw him a testimonial banquet.
- Look, you cannot
make milk with a machine!
- Well, that's beside the point.
Are you gonna lend us the money?
- I most certainly am
not, and if I were you,
I'd forget the whole thing.
- Mr. Douglas, we didn't
come over to get your advice,
we come over to get your money.
Come on, Haney.
(goofy, lackadaisical music)
- Of all the...
- Oliver, where is
Mr. Ziffel and Mr. Haney?
- They left.
- But I was just going
to give them some cake.
I was just going to
take it out of the oven.
- Lisa, all you're going
to find in that oven...
(goofy, lackadaisical music)
Well, I'll be a...
How is that a...
Ooh!
How did you... - Taste it!
(chuckles)
- It's good!
- That's why they say you can't
make a booboo with Bibble's!
(upbeat country music)
- I told them not to go over
and bother you, Mr. Douglas.
- May I have another box
of Bibble's chocolate
cake mix, please?
- Yes, ma'am.
I sure am glad you didn't lend
them the money, Mr. Douglas.
- Believe me, I'm not
lending anybody money
to put into some kind
of a phony machine.
- How do you know it's foamy?
- Did you say chocolate?
- No, I said foamy.
- It's phony.
- Oh, not it isn't, Mr. Douglas.
You just put in the
eggs and the milk...
- I'm talking about the
milk-making machine.
- Why couldn't that work?
- Because it's ridiculous.
- Well, you said
that about Bibble's,
but I noticed you're
eating the cake.
- Uh, look, you
know this Needlinger?
- Oh yeah, he's a
crackpot inventor.
- Now why would anybody
want to invent a cracked pot?
- Not, not a... he
means he's a nut.
- Oh! Oh, that's what
they said about Ziggety.
- Who's Ziggety?
- He's a fellow in Budapest
who invented the
electric light bulb.
- I believe that was Edison.
- That's right! Edison Ziggety.
He was a very good
friend of my fathers,
and if my father had
invested in his light bulbs,
he would have been
a millionaire today!
- Why didn't he?
- Mr. Ziggety never asked him.
- It's just as well,
your father would have
drunk it all up anyway.
- Why, Oliver!
- Oh, hi, Hank!
- Oh, hi, Sam.
Mr. Douglas, Mrs. Douglas.
Yeah. Did I leave anybody out?
- Mr. Kimball.
- Sorry, Mr. Kimball,
didn't mean to slight ya.
- Oh, you're all dressed up!
- Yes, I'm on my way
over to see the chief,
punch him in the
nose, and then resign.
Or should I resign first and
then punch him in the nose?
No, I guess...
- Why are you resigning?
- Not gonna be a
county agent anymore.
Got a better job.
- Doing what?
- I'm gonna be a millionaire.
- Oh! I'm glad to see
you getting ahead.
- Yeah, he could use one.
How do you figure to
become a millionaire?
- Can you people keep a secret?
- Yes.
- Good.
Well, I'll be seeing you.
- Wait a second!
- Well, I haven't got much time!
I gotta get over to the
bank before it closes.
Gonna borrow $500.
- 500?
Mr. Kimball, you're
not thinking of investing
in a milk-making
machine, are you?
- Oh no, I'm
gonna invest in a...
Yes, I guess it is a
milk-making machine.
- There is no such thing
as a milk-making machine.
- Where'd you hear about that?
- Hank, you're not
really going to invest
in that stupid
machine of Luke's.
- Oh, I never saw
his stupid machine.
All I saw was his
milk-making machine.
- Well, Hank, that Needlinger's
nothing but a screwball.
- Not Loony Luke.
- Loony Luke?
- He's brilliant.
Why, he's invented more things
than you can shake a stick at.
As a matter of fact,
I think he invented
an a*t*matic
stick-shaker. (chuckles)
- He did?
Mr. Ziggety tried for years
to invent one of those.
- Lisa, will you...
- Well, I'd better
get to the bank.
- Ah, hold it, Mr. Kimball.
Look, I hate to see you
borrow money and quit your job
without having somebody
investigate this thing first.
- That makes sense, Hank.
- It does?
- Yeah.
Let me see just what this
Needlinger's trying to pull.
- Oh, with his machine
you don't pull anything!
You just press a...
- I know!
- Look, where can I find him?
- Well, he lives
up in the hills.
Now you take the county road
'til you come to
a tall pine tree,
then you turn left and you come
to a bridge that's
been washed out.
Now you drive over the bridge...
- Whoa now, how can
I drive over a bridge
that's been washed out?
- Oh, that's one of Luke's
best inventions. (chuckles)
- I'll find it.
(jaunty folksy music)
(knocking)
- Come in!
- Mr. Needlinger?
- I'll be with you in
a minute! (chuckles)
I'm just testing my
wristwatch TV set. (chuckles)
- Your wristwatch TV...
- (chuckles) Ahh, dog gone it,
them Beverly
Hillbillies are funny!
You wanna see 'em?
- [Oliver] Oh,
there's no picture.
- Oh, dog gone, my color tube
must have blown out again.
- That's a wonderful invention!
- Lisa, I've seen
enough, let's...
- But we didn't see the
milk-making machine yet!
- Oh, that's right
over here! (chuckles)
There she is. (chuckles)
- That's wonderful!
Is this just an ordinary sheet?
- Yes, ma'am.
- And you get milk out of it?
- Oh, no, no, no.
That's just the
cover. (chuckles)
There, there.
- That's the thing
that makes the milk?
- What else could
you use it for?
Could we see it work?
- Well, yes, of course.
You see, it works on the
same principle as the cow.
- How do they work?
- Well, a cow has four stomachs,
and the digestive
juices in the stomach
transforms the
hay into the milk.
And my machine
does the same thing.
The secret thing is the
chemicals that I put into it.
- Now are you convinced?
- I haven't seen anything yet!
- I'll show ya.
I have to put in some hay,
and I have to be careful
not to put too much in
because if I overfeed
the machine, it gets gas.
- How could a machine get...
- Now we'll start it up.
(churning)
- Is it making the milk?
- No, ma'am. It's just
chewing up the hay.
(bell rings) (machine chirps)
That's the a*t*matic swallower.
- The a*t*matic...
(bell rings) (churning)
- The digestive chemicals
are being pumped in.
Now they're digesting,
the process is starting.
(machine hums and bubbles)
- And this is gonna
come out milk?
- Yes, as soon as
the gong sounds.
(gong rings)
(low, churning music)
You want to taste it?
- No thanks, I've already...
- Let me.
Mm! It's good!
- Mr. Needlinger, may
I congratulate you?
That is one of the hokiest
contraptions I have ever seen.
- Oliver, are you
insulting Mr. Needlinger?
- He's insulting me
trying to make me believe
that this thing could
actually manufacture milk.
- Well, it must have!
Where else did
the milk come from?
- It was in the
t*nk to begin with!
- How do you know?
- Well, you'll notice
the t*nk is closed
so you can't see inside.
- Oh, oh, but I'll
let you see inside.
Here, look.
- Oh that's impossible.
You must have it
connected to something.
Uh,
well, no, it's not.
- Oliver, you owe
Mr. Needlinger an apology.
- Oh, that's all right, ma'am.
People are always skeptical
about new inventions.
- Yes, I can imagine
what they said to Julius
when he invented the orange.
- To Julius when
he invented the...
- Mm-hmm.
- Look, Mr. Needlinger,
if this really works,
it's worth millions,
and yet you're willing
to sell a share of it
for $500.
- Experimenting is expensive,
and I need chemicals.
- Look, I've got a
friend in New York
I'd like to bring out here.
- What do you want to
bring her out here for?
- It's not a her, it's
Charlie Williams.
He's the chief chemist
for the Hoffenbacker
Chemical Company.
Now, would you object to
his looking at your machine?
- Oh, no! No, not at all!
(upbeat, bouncy music)
(phone rings)
- Hello?
Who?
Douglas?
Put him on.
- Hello, Charlie! Oliver
Wendell Douglas.
- Oliver Wendell?
- Remember, I was your
roommate at Harvard!
- Oh, Dimples, how are you?
- Well, (chuckles) I don't
have dimples anymore.
- Oliver!
Who are you talking to?
- Charlie Williams.
- Oh? Send him my love.
- Yeah, Lisa sends her love.
- Who's Lisa?
- My wife!
- Oh, you finally
married that redhead.
- No, I broke up
with the redhead.
- What redhead?
- The one I broke up with.
No, no, Lisa's a blonde.
- Oh, the airline hostess!
- No, that was another blonde.
- Who was another blonde?
- The airline hostess.
- Well, we're going to
have a lot to talk about
when you climb down from there.
Lisa, will you
just... hello, Charlie?
- What happened to you, Dimp?
You just dropped out of sight!
- I gave up my law practice.
I bought myself a farm!
- Sounds great.
- Oh, it is.
You'll see for yourself
when you get out here.
- Get where?
- Hooterville!
- Rooterville?
- No, no, hooter! Hooterville!
- And why do I want to
go to Hooterhooterville?
- No, no, it has
just one hooter in it.
- Well, it's been
nice talking to ya!
- Wait a minute.
I have something I
want you to look at.
- What is it?
- It's a milk-making machine.
- Milk-making?
What bar are you calling from?
- No, I'm not in a bar,
I'm on top of a telephone pole.
- Boy, you really are high.
- Charlie, I'm telling you
there's a man out here
who invented a
machine that makes milk.
Or it seems to.
Yes, he puts hay in
one end, he turns it on,
and real milk comes
out of the other end.
- Oliver, next time
you're in New York,
let's have lunch together.
- Now Charlie, you
know better than I do
the things that be
made synthetically.
Rubber, nylon!
- And this machine
makes that, too?
- No, no, just milk.
Charlie, with the world facing
a foot shortage someday,
a machine like this
would be invaluable.
Now if you'll just
come out and look at it.
- I'd love to, but I'm
very busy here at the lab
developing our a*t*matic
egg-laying machine.
You put chicken feed in one end
and eggs come out the other!
- Look, you don't
have to be sarcastic.
- Oliver...
- Look, if I send you a sample
of the milk that the
machine makes,
maybe that'll convince you.
- All right.
You send it along
and I'll analyze it.
- Oh, great, great.
And, uh, look, Charlie,
I wouldn't want this to
get around, you know.
Keep it under your hat.
- Oh, don't worry about that!
Goodbye, Oliver!
Milk-making machine.
(jaunty, bouncy music)
- Lisa, have you got a pen?
- Oh, you're going to
write to the redhead?
- No, I want to address
this milk sample
to Charlie Williams.
- Then you're going
to write to the redhead.
- If you don't stop bugging
me about her, I may.
- All right, I won't bug you
about the redhead anymore.
- Good.
- Let's get to the
blonde hostess.
- Look, isn't there
a pen in the house?
- No, all we have in this
house is a jealous wife
that wants to know
about the blonde hostess.
- You can read all about
her when I write my memoirs.
- How can you write your
memoirs when you can't find a pen?
- I'll address it at Drucker's.
- Oliver, if you
walk out that door
without telling me
about the hostess,
don't bother coming back.
(low, jaunty music)
Oliver!
Oliver!
You forgot to kiss me goodbye!
- (chuckles) Oh,
for the love of...
- Well, that's a
pretty cheesy kiss
for a fellow who
isn't coming back.
- Look, Lisa, I
have to mail this.
- Mr. Douglas?
Mr. Douglas, you'd better
come into the barn right away.
- What's the matter?
- It's Eleanor.
- What's wrong with her?
- She won't give any milk!
She's on strike!
- On...
- Every time I try to milk her,
she sits down on
her business end!
- Oh, the poor thing.
She must be sick!
- No, ma'am, she's rebelling.
She heard Mr. Douglas
was replacing her
with a milk-making machine.
- I know just how she feels.
He tried to replace
me with a redhead.
- I'm beginning to wish I had.
- Well!
- I tried to tell Eleanor
that she didn't have
anything to worry about,
but she said she wanted
to hear it from you.
- Well, you tell...
What do you mean, "She said?"
- She didn't
actually talk to me,
she b*at it out on the milk pail
with her tail in Morse code!
- Who is Morris Code?
- No, not Morris, Morse.
- Who is Morris Morse?
- Ed will explain it to ya.
I've gotta get into
town to mail this.
- You ain't goin'
nowhere, Dimples.
- Dimples?
Who is she?
- That's me, I used
to have dimples.
Mr. Ziffel, will you
put that g*n down!
- Sorry, Dimp.
Lucky thing Haney was
listenin' over the party line
when you was talkin'
to your friend William.
- He had no right to listen!
- Oh, you're gonna sell us out
to the New York combine, huh?
- I'm not...
- You're gonna turn over
our milk-makin' machine
without even cuttin' us in
on your friend's
egg-layin' machine.
- How does that work?
- Well, you put
chicken feed in one end,
and an egg comes
out there other.
- Golly diddle dumps!
That sounds better than
the milk-makin' machine.
I'll put some money in that!
- So will I!
- There's no such
thing, Mr. Ziffel.
All I'm doing is sending a
sample of the milk to my friend!
He's gonna analyze
it and let me know
if it's worth anything!
(knocking)
- Mr. Douglas?
Mr. Douglas!
- Oh, yes, gentlemen.
Come on in!
- Oh, thank you.
- Well, we come over soon
as we got your message
about your New
York friend caller.
- Yeah, are we millionaires?
- Uh, let me explain.
He analyzed the
sample and he said
that chemically,
it resembles milk.
- Yeah, we know.
We been drinkin' it.
- How rich are we?
- Just a second now.
Charlie's analysis showed
that the sample contained water,
butterfat solids, lactic acid,
and a chemical called
aquanitrichyperchloride.
- What's that?
- Well, it's a very expensive
chemical that Needlinger used.
- Ah, leave it Luke.
Nothin' but the best. (chuckles)
- Yeah, yeah, the best.
Well, Charlie figured
out, that by using it,
it would make the
milk cost $40 a quart.
- That's no problem.
We'll sell it for 50.
- Good thinking.
Well, not good thinking.
- There's one other
problem, gentlemen.
- What's that?
- Aquanitrichyperchloride
has a side effect.
- Oh.
What side does it effect?
- Your head.
It causes temporary baldness.
- It does?
- Well, I'll be dog gone.
- I wouldn't worry about it,
Charlie also says that it'll
grow back in about three weeks.
- I wish I could
be sure of that.
(lively, jovial music)
(upbeat country music)
This has been a Filmways
presentation, darling.
04x25 - The Milk Maker
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Oliver & Lisa move from NYC to a farm to live off the land and have a simpler life.
Oliver & Lisa move from NYC to a farm to live off the land and have a simpler life.