04x02 - The Rummage Sale

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Green Acres". Aired: September 15, 1965 - April 27, 1971.*
Watch/Buy Amazon  Merchandise


Oliver & Lisa move from NYC to a farm to live off the land and have a simpler life.
Post Reply

04x02 - The Rummage Sale

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling, I love you
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

- Oh for, who's there?

- Who's where?

- At the front door.

- I don't know.

I'm in here.

- Mr. Kimball.

- Oh, good morning, Mr. Douglas.

No, I don't guess it's a
good morning for you.

You look like a man

who's just been hit in
the head with a hammer.

- What are you doing?

- About what?

- What are you hammering?

- You mean besides your head?

- Yes.

- This poster.

Well, I wasn't
hammering the poster,

I was hammering the nails.

- I was asleep.

- At this time in the morning?

- It's five o'clock.

- It is?

What do you know,
somebody broke my crystal.

- What is that?

- What's what?

C.R.U.B.T.R.F.F.,

now what does that stand for?

- Oh, C.R.U.B.T.R.F.F.,

that's a local organization.

- Oh you miserable seed brain.

- Oh, hello there.

Did you find out
who was knocking?

- Mr. Kimball.

- Who's knocking Mr. Kimball?

- Oh boy.

Now I got two of them.

- Oh I forgot the
C.R.U.B.T.R.F.F.

was having a rubbish sale.

- Rummage.

Lisa, do you know what
a C.R.U.B.T.R.F.F. is?

- Of course I do,
everybody does,

Mr. Kimball did.

- Well, what's it mean?

- What does what mean?

- C.R.U.B.T.R.F.F.

- Oh, oh, that's a
local organization.

- Well whatever it is,

why did you put
this sign on my door?

- Why did I put the
sign on your door?

I must've had a good reason.

Well, it wasn't a
good reason, it was,

now, I remember.

- You remember what?

- Hmm, oh the president
of C.R.U.B.T.R.F.F.

wanted me to put the posters
up where they'd be seen.

And I figure a lot of people
go through your door.

Well, they don't go through it,

I imagine some of them open it.

- Yes, a few.

- What are they
rumming off, Mr. Kimball?

- Rummaging.

- Oh no, they're not
rumming off rummaging.

They're rumming off old clothes.

Say that reminds me.

- Reminds you of what?

- Well, if you'd
got any old clothes

you'd like to
donate to the sale,

leave them over at
Mr. Drucker's store.

- I have some.

- Oh boy, the Muss Futs
will surely appreciate that.

- Who are the Muss Futs?

- Oh, they're the sister
organization to C.R.U.B.T.R.F.F..

- That's a local organization.

- I'm sorry I asked.

- Well anyway, any clothing
donations you'd like to make

will be greatly appreciated.

- We'll see what we can find.

- Lisa, have you seen,

what are all my clothes
doing on the bed?

- I'm giving them to
the old clothes sale.

- That's my whole wardrobe.

- You're very generous.

- No, I'm not.

They're going back in my closet.

Would you mind telling me
what your clothes are doing

in my closet?

- I needed the space.

- You needed...

- Well, as long as
your clothes away,

you don't need it.

- What are you giving?

- Well, I looked
through everything

and I couldn't find anything.

- Oh, that's ridiculous.

You got more junk in
here you never wear.

Here, how 'bout this?

- Oh never, this
is the dress I wore

when I won the
Hungarian Beauty Pageant.

- Oh, when you were
crowned Miss Goulash of .

- Oliver!

- Oh here, how 'bout this one?

- Never!

- What stupid thing
did you win in that?

- You.

- What?

- Don't you remember?

This is the dress I wore
that night in Budapest

when you came to my house

and asked my father
if you could marry me.

Oliver, Oliver.

- Oh hi.

- What did my father say?

- I didn't talk to him
yet, I just got here.

- Oh, well, he's
waiting for you.

Good luck.

Good evening, Mr. Grenitz.

I'm Oliver Wendell Douglas.

I'm here to ask for your
daughter's hand in marriage.

Ooh!

- Oliver, what
did my father say?

- He didn't say anything.

He just slammed
the door in my face.

- Oh, then I guess
he doesn't like you.

- He liked my flowers.

He stole them.

- Where are you going?

- Back to America.

- What's that?

- It's where I live.

- I thought you
lived in New York.

- That's in America.

- Oh.

I missed that lesson in school.

- Lisa, I'm sorry but
I guess your father's

never going to let
us get married so.

- As Shakespeare said,

"Fair heart never
want faint lady."

- You missed that lesson too.

- Don't you want to marry me?

- Of course I do.

- Then let's elope.

- Elope?

- Yes, did you bring
a ladder with you?

- Well no, I...

- Never mind, I got one.

- Oh.

- I packed two.

- Wonderful, throw
your suitcase down.

- Catch.

- Lisa, will you please,

how many suitcases do you have?

It's a good thing you
don't have a trunk.

- Do you remember?

- Oh yeah, yes.

I still have a scar from
your makeup case.

- Oh, it was only eight stitches

and look what
you got for it, me.

- What was that?

- What was what?

- I heard a steamboat whistle.

- That is probably
the Robert E. Lee

just coming round the bend.

Now that you're out here,

shall we discuss our business
over a cold glass of beer?

- Beer?

- Just step up to my spicket.

I never knowed this thing
was here till this morning.

Now, while you're getting
your wits back together,

I'll go inside and
get the old clothes

that you're donating
to the rummage sale.

- Oh, so far we haven't found
any old clothes to donate.

- You haven't found any
old clothes to donate?

- No.

- Can I put a head on your beer?

- I don't want this.

- Now I can understand
why you're so testy.

You have got
charity in your heart

but nothing in your closet.

Now there's no need
to cry in your beer.

- A little salt would
bring this to life.

- Now fortunately,
I can help you.

You just step this way.

- Will you let go of my arm?

- Now here we are.

Now that wasn't a
long walk, was it?

- Mr. Haney.

- There you are,

a complete collection
of old clothes

that you can purchase and
donate to the rummage sale.

- Mister, this is
the most ridicu...

- Shall I put you down
for the $ bundle

which I like to refer to as
my movie star assortment?

It contains a
buster brown collar

which is said to have been
worn by Freddie Bartholomew

when he played the part of
Milton Sills as a young boy.

And a pair of suede spats

which reputedly was
worn by Adolph Menju

when he played the part of
Milton Sills as a grown man.

And it also contains a pair
of elevator cowboy pants

that Mickey Rooney
wore in Tall in the Saddle.

- Goodbye, Mr. Haney.

- Goodbye, Mr. Douglas.

Now, if you want to
go the cheaper route,

we have a $ historical bundle.

Now this contains...

- I said goodbye, Mr. Haney.

- And I said
goodbye, Mr. Douglas.

As I was saying,

this contains such
historical items

as the serving dress that
was worn by Betsy Ross

when she...

- Once and for all,
I am not interested.

What was that?

- The Robert E. Lee just
docking at Crabwell Corners.

- Now how 'bout this?

- No, I can't give
that one away.

That's the one I graduated
form the Budapest High School in.

- Alright, how 'bout this?

- No, that's the one
I started college in.

- Well this?

- No, this is the
one I got expelled in.

- Lisa, this is ridiculous.

You can't give anything away

because it reminds you of...

- Hey, wait a minute,
here, give this.

- Not that.

- It's not yours, it's mine.

- Don't you have any sediment?

- I hope not.

- Don't you remember
when you wore this sweater?

When we went to Switzerland
to ski on our honeymoon.

This is a fine honeymoon
you got me into.

- I'm sorry.

- I never would've married you

if I knew you were
accident prune.

- Prone.

- That's what you
are a prone prune.

Always laying somewhere
with the stitches in your head

from the suitcase
or your leg in a cast.

- Well look, you're the one
who wanted to go skiing.

- Well, I wouldn't mind if
you did that to your leg skiing

but breaking it tripping
over a Saint Bernard dog.

- I didn't trip over a dog.

I fell off the ski lift.

- Whatever it was, you're
no fun for a honeymoon.

- Oh!

- Darling, I'm
sorry, does it hurt?

- Yes, of course it hurts.

- Oh, you poor.

Oliver, can I ask
you a question?

- What?

- Did you fall off the
ski lift on purpose?

- Why would I do that?

- Well, maybe you don't love me.

- Oh, of course I love you.

- Then why did
you break your leg?

- Lisa, do me a
favor, let me take nap.

- What am I supposed
to do on our honeymoon

while you take a nap?

- Why don't you go down
to the bar and have a drink?

- Not unless you come with me.

- I can't walk.

- Well, you should've
thought of that

before you broke your leg.

Lisa, if you don't...

Come in.

- Lisa Grenitz,

I thought it was you
coming into the hotel.

- Alex!

- How very good to see you.

There is much to talk about.

What about dinner in my chalet?

Perhaps some cocktails
next to the fireside.

- Oh, that would be wonderful.

- Lisa.

- Oh, oh, this is
Count Freidmeister.

Alex, this is Mr. Douglas.

- How do you do?

Now my pupschin, it will
be exactly like the old days.

- Except for one thing,
pupschin is married.

- To whom?

- Him.

- You married a foreigner?

- I'm an American.

- Oh.

Things must've been
very bad with your father.

- Oh no, I married
Mr. Douglas for love.

Didn't I Mr. Douglas?

- You don't have to keep
calling me Mr. Douglas.

I've got a first name.

- Oh, what is it?

- Oliver.

- Oh, that's right.

Oliver and I are here
on our honeymoon.

- With a broken leg?

- Oh, he didn't
bring that with him.

It happened this morning.

He tripped over the ski lift.

- I did not.

I fell off the Saint Bernard.

I mean...

- I see, I see.

Now, do not fail to call me

if there is anything
I can do to help you.

My number is ALPINE .

I must be running along.

- Isn't he charming?

- Oh yes, real charming.

Why don't you wipe the
mustache wax off your hands?

- Oliver, you're jealous!

- Oh!

- Oh darling.

- I'm not jealous.

Oh maybe a little bit.

- Why, you don't
have to be jealous.

I could've married the count
or the prince or even a king

but I married you.

I love you.

- And I love you.

And we're gonna have a
long, happy life together

just the two of us.

- Promise?

- I promise.

- Would you mind if I wrote
something on your cast?

- No, of course not.

What are you gonna write?

- The count's phone number.

Was it ALPINE or ?

- Lisa!

- Oh, I'm just teasing.

- Oh!

- Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Douglas.

No, no, not this one.

No, no, not this one.

Oh no, I couldn't give that one.

- No, we couldn't give this one,

we couldn't give that one,

we couldn't give these ones.

Lisa, you've been
at this for two hours.

Why don't you forget it?

- Well then how will we look
with the C.R.U.B.T.R.F.F.?

- I don't care how we look...

- Oliver, I'll tell you what,

you pick a dress, any
one, and I'll donate it.

- Alright, now you
won't change your mind?

- No.

- Here, give that one.

- Not that.

- You said that...

- This is a
Bacciavelli original.

He's a very famous
Italian designer.

- What did he design, lasagna?

- Oh, that's a haha
funny thing you said.

Besides, it's full of memories.

- It's full of spots too.

- This is the dress I bought

for the party we gave

when we first moved in
our Park Avenue apartment.


How do you like my new dress?

- Oh, that's fine, fine.

Where's the butler that
agency's sending over?

Supposed to be here at
seven, it's almost eight.

The Wilson's will be here.

- Who are they?

- Well, Mr. Wilson's a man
I'm trying to get as a client.

He's very important.

- Well, then you won't mind

what I paid for the dress.

- No.

How much?

- This is an original.

Bacciavelli designed
it just for me.

- How much?

- forints.

That's Hungarian money.

- How much in American money?

- $ .

- $ !

- You want me to go
back to the forints?

- I'll tell you what
I want you to do.

I want you to go
back to Bacciavelli

and get your money back.

- Oliver, why did we have
to have a party so soon?

We just moved in
here last Monday

and everything is such a mess.

The sink in the kitchen
doesn't work and...

- That's the Wilsons.

Hey, do me a favor,

check the hors d'oeuvres.

I'll get the door.

- Mr. Douglas, I'm
Foster, the butler.

I'm sorry I'm late
sir, I was detained.

- Never mind, just get to work.

You'll find everything
in the kitchen.

Lisa.

- Oh, oh, oh.

This is...

- You don't have to tell me.

I'd know Mr. Wilson anywhere.

Welcome.

Where is your wife?

- Lisa, this is
Foster, the butler.

- Well, he doesn't
smell like a butler.

He's using the
same cologne you do.

- Well, just show him
where everything is, will you?

- Oh, right this way please.

Oh, the Wilsons.

So glad you could come.

- Thank you.

This is my wife Gloria.

- How do you do?

- How do you do?

- Hello there.

- Oh, this is my wife Lisa,

Mr. And Mrs. Wilson.

- Oh, Mr. Wilson, I just
kissed the butler for you.

- Lisa, take Mrs. Wilson's coat.

- Thank you.

I think I'll wear it.

- Oh, they've all seen
the coat, Gloria, take it off.

- Oh, that's a lovely gown.

Isn't it, Lisa?

- I'll be right back.

- Well, won't you sit down?

- Thank you.

- How about some champagne?

- Love some.

- Foster, would you bring
in the champagne please?

Would you like
some hors d'oeuvres?

- If you don't mind.

- I'll hang up your coat.

He's new.

There's a mop in the closet

and some glasses
in the cupboard.

Excuse me.

Oh, why hello folk
Grace, how are you?

Happy to see you, Charlie.

Well, you finally made it, huh?

Nice to have you.

Oh, you all know the Wilsons.

Beautiful dress, hi.

- Oliver!

Oh, I'm so anxious
to meet your wife.

- She's right here.

She'll be right out.

Lisa.

- Coming.

I'll be right back.

- You don't have to change
your dress every time.

- Excuse me.

- Douglas?

- Yeah?

- Where's the bathroom?

- What?

- I'm the plumber.

- The plumber?

- Well, what's the matter.

Ain't plumber's allowed
to wear tuxedos?

- Well...

- I was up to the Bronx to
the sister's kid's wedding, see,

and the boss called, he says,
"Get over there right away,

"It's an emergency."

Well, where's the bathroom?

- It's not the bathroom.

- It ain't?

It usually is at this
hour, you know.

- It's the kitchen sink
right through there.

Coming through folks.

- Champagne sir?

- Gee, thanks.

- He's the plumber.

Fix the sink.

- There weren't as many drunks

at the party I was at.

- Fix the sink!

- Oliver, did anybody
come in wearing this one?

- No, no.

Look, do me a favor,

let's talk to the Wilsons, huh?

Oh, keep them
occupied, I'll get it.

- Mr. Douglas?

- Yes.

- You're the guy
that raised a stink

about the paint job I
did in the living room?

- I didn't raise a st,

oh, I simply said that
the paint on that wall

was lighter than
the rest of the room.

- Yeah, you're right.

I'll get my ladder
and go touch it up.

- Well, not now, we're having...

- Oliver, the Wilsons
are out of champagne.

- I'll get some.

- If you'll hold the
door open for me, mac.

- What are you doing?

- I'm stopping your sink.

Boy, are you plugged up.

I think this goes all the
way down to the third floor.

- Stay in there!

- Oliver, you forgot
the champagne.

- Oh, I'm sorry, I'll get it.

It'll only take a min...

- Oliver, where is
the champagne?

- All over the kitchen floor.

There are more
glasses on the top shelf.

- No, no, I'll get it.

You stay with the Wilsons.

If it's that stupid painter.

Look, I told...
- Evening.

- What is this?

- We're supposed to
exchange this for the other sofa.

- Oh, this is no
time to bring...

- The decorator said
it was an emergency.

- This is a party.
- Excuse me.

- Oh, it's our new sofa.

- Yeah, lady, would
you switch your seat?

- I'm sorry, Mr. And
Mrs. Wilson,

we just moved in here.

- Champagne?

- Oh, thanks, mac.

- No, not you, will you
get that couch out of here?

There you are
Mr. And Mrs. Wilson.

- A toast to
Mr. And Mrs. Wilson,

may all your
children be little ones.

- Troubles, bottoms up.

- Move aside, please.

- Wait a minute.

- Yes?

- You clumsy idiot.

- It wasn't her fault.

- No I mean the other clumsy.

Here, let me help, I'm so,

maybe you'd better do it.

- I think we better get a towel.

- I'm terribly
embarrassed Mrs...

- Douglas, do all your
parties turn out like this?

- Well no, this really was a...

- Here's your trouble mac,

your old lady stuffed
her girdle down the drain.

- Well, she's not my old
lady, she's his old lad...

- Oh, you took off your girdle.

I'm glad you made
yourself at home.

If you want to take
your shoes off too.

- This is not my girdle.

- Well, it's not my, here.

- I don't want this thing.

I think we better go.

- Yes we better.

- Oh, Mr. Wilson, please.

- I should've known
what to expect

the moment I stepped in the door

and saw your wife
wearing that cheap copy

of my $ gown.

- Copy?

Mine is the original.

That one is the copy.

- I beg your pardon,

but mine happens to be an
exclusively designed for me by,

- Oh, excuse me,
is the plumber here?

I'm his wife.

Hey, you must go to the
same discount house I do.

- No!

- Champagne, sir?

- Just leave the tray.

Yeah, that was quite a party.

- You wouldn't want
me to give this away.

- Oh no, I guess not.

- The trouble is Oliver

that all the clothes I have

have some memories
attached to them.

- Yes, but...

- But we ought to
donate something.

- Yeah, I think,
hey, I got an idea.

We'll buy a rummage
bundle from Mr. Haney

if I can find him.

How does he manage to show up?

Well, as long as
he's here, let's go out,

buy some more clothes,
have a glass of beer.

This has been a Filmways
presentation, darling.
Post Reply