04x15 - The Marital Vacation

[bunniefuu]

(theme song)

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me

♪ Land spreadin'
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan just
give me that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

(snoring)

- Oliver, Oliver you're snoring.

Now roll over your side.

(groaning)

- Turn the light off.

(snoring)

(sighing)

- Oliver you're snoring again.

(audience laughing)

- Will you stop
pushing me outta bed.

- I didn't push you.

- Go to sleep.

- Then stop falling out of bed.

I can't sleep with that
nose noise you're making.

- Put some cotton in your ears.

Something.

(g*nshots and horses trotting)

What?

Oh Lisa, turn that thing off.

- Well, I can't sleep,
I'm wide awake.

- Well I'd like to sleep.

Now, please, turn it off.

(scoffing)

(clicking remote)

Now what?

- This doesn't work.

No wonder it didn't work.

It's got that long
thing in there.

- Well, it's supposed
to be in here.

But I think I can...

- You did it.

- I can't get my finger out.

- It turned on again.

What did you change
the channel for?

Lisa, if you want to
watch TV, you watch it.

- Where are you going?

- To sleep on the couch.

(gasping)

- Good morning darling.

(groaning)

- Oh, you still got the rollers.

- Look, Lisa.

- Oh, I'm sorry about
the fight we had last night.

- Oh that's alright.

- It was all my fault.

- It wasn't all your fault.

- I know, some
of it was your fault.

- Well look, Li...

Alright, some of
it was my fault.

- Come to think, most
of it was your fault.

- If it will make
you feel any better,

most of it was my fault.

- Well, you don't
have to take the blame

for the whole thing.

Some of it was my fault.

But more of it was your fault,

than my fault.

- Yes, Lisa, I don't
wanna argue with you.

- Well, neither do I.

Oliver?

- Hmm?

- You know we've been having

an awful lot of
arguments lately.

- Yeah, yeah, I'm aware of that.

- And it's high time
we had a talk about it.

- Oh?

- Sit down.

- Okay.

- Alright, what do
you want to talk about?

- You're the one that
said we should talk.

- Well, it's just that
I've been thinking

about all this arguings
you've been starting lately.

And I think it's time we
did something about it.

- And what would you suggest?

- Well, according
to my physiatrist...

- What physiatrist?

- The girl that does
my nails, Betty.

(audience laughing)

- Oh yes, doctor Betty.

- She's not a real psychiatrist,

she's just good with the
nail polish and the advice.

Every time she finds
that she and her husband

have been arguing too much,

they take a separate vacation.

- Is that what
you're suggesting?

- That we take a
vacation from each other?

- Mm-hmm.

- Good.

- Oliver!

- What?

- Don't you want
to argue about it?

- No, I think it's a good idea.

- In other words, you
want to get rid of me.

- No.

- Well, then why did
you bring up the idea

of separate vacations?

- It was your idea.

But anyway, I think a
vacation from each other

might be an intelligent
solution to our squabbling.

As a matter of fact,
when I was practicing law,

I suggested myself
to several of my clients

who were thinking
about getting divorced.

- Oh!

So that's what you want?

A divorce?

- No, I don't.

- Well, what do you want?

- A good night's sleep.

(audience laughing)

- You wouldn't mind if
I went away for myself?

- Yes I'd mind.

But I think it'll do
us a lot of good.

- I think you're right.

- You could go to New York,

see some shows,
buy some clothes.

- I tell you what.

Why don't you come
to New York with me?

(audience laughing)

- Lisa, the idea's
for us to get away

from each other
for a little while,

and afterwards, why,

it'll be like when we
were first married.

- Well, that wasn't
very much fun.

- What?

- You were out of a job,

and you always borrowed
money from my father.

- Lisa, may I ask you
one simple question?

- What?

- How quickly could you pack?

(audience laughing)

(cheerful music)

Is that all?

- No sir.

There are two more suitcases.

Gee, I hate to see
you two split up.

(sobbing)

- Eb, we're not...

- Why don't you apologize?

Maybe she'll forgive you.

- Look...

- Dad, you have no
right to do this to mom.

- Eb, I am not your dad,
she is not your mother,

and I didn't do anything to her.

- Then why is she leaving you?

- She's not leaving me.

We're taking a vacation
from each other,

because we were beginning
to get on each other's nerves.

- You get on my nerves,

and I don't wanna take
a vacation from you.

(audience laughing)

- Look Eb...
- I'm ready.

- Please mom, don't go.

Dad is sorry.

That other woman didn't
really mean anything to him.

- What other woman?

- Don't pay any
attention to him.

His little brain just cracked.

- This is wrong, wrong.

- Eb, get the two bags.

- Get 'em yourself.

You're kicking her out.

(audience laughing)

- That silly...
- I don't have to go.

- Lisa, we've
been all over this,

and we both agreed that
it would be the best thing

for both of us.

Now, let me get
the rest of your bags,

or you're gonna miss your train.

(upbeat music)

Better get on the train.

- If you get lonesome, call
me and I'll be right back.

- Yes, if I do, I will.

- You will what?

(audience laughing)

- Call you.

- I'll be staying at the
nice Sheraton hotel.

- Good.

- I'll be registered
under my own name.

- Oh, that's fine.

(train whistle blaring)

Come on, you better get on.

- Oh, look after yourself.

- Don't you worry about me.

- Bye!

- Goodbye!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, mister Kimball.

- She's gone huh?

- Yes.

- Well, that's the last
you'll ever see of her.

(audience laughing)

- What?

- Aw, don't feel too
bad mister Douglas,

you'll both find somebody else.

Well, she will.

You may have a little trouble.

(audience laughing)

- Mister Kimball, she's
just going to New York.

We're taking a short
vacation from each other.

- Short vacation?

That's what my father told
my mother when he took off.

That was years ago,
and she's still looking for him.

- Oh boy.

- Say, now that
you're a bachelor,

I imagine you'll be getting
at your little black book,

and... (laughing)

- Mister Kimball, I threw
away my little black book

a long time ago.

- Oh.

Do you happen to
remember where you threw it?

(audience laughing)

- No.

- Well, I think I can stir
up a little action for us.

- Thank you, mister Kimball,

but I'll find something to
do to keep myself occupied

while Mrs. Douglass is away.

- How long has she been gone?

- She just left!

- Well, maybe I can
keep you out of mischief.

Why don't you come over
to the house for supper?

My father always said my
mother was a great cook.

Well, he didn't always say it.

He wasn't with us very long.

(audience laughing)

- Thank you very
much, Mr. Kimball.

I may take you up on that.

(cheerful music)

Oh, hi Mr. Drucker.

- Oh you.

- Uh, yes...
- Pick out whatever you want.

Put the money on
the counter and leave.

- What's the matter with you?

- How could you do
that to Mrs. Douglas?

Kicking her out in the cold

just because she'd
rather watch TV,

than listen to you snore?

(audience laughing)

- Mr. Drucker...

- Eb told me the
whole sorted story.

Including how you kept
pushing her outta bed.

- Eb is a nut!

Mrs. Douglas and I
are just taking a vacation

from each other.

Married couples
need to once in a while.

- Oh, well I'm
glad it aint serious.

You going anywhere?

- No.

I'm just going to
stay home and sleep,

and relax, and read.

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

Oh yes he is here.

It's for you.

- Hello?

- Hello dear.

- Oh Lisa.

- Do you miss me?

- Well how could I
miss you, you just left.

- Well I miss you.

- Where are you?

- At the county airport
waiting for plane.

But I don't have to get on it.

- Aw look, Lisa, we've
gone all through this.

Now get on the plane,
go on to New York,

and forget all about me.

- Are you going
to forget about me?

- Lisa, have a good time.

Goodbye.

(somber music)

- [Airport Announcer]
Now boarding at Gate ,

Trans Pixley Airlines
flight for New York,

via Eagles Bluff, (mumbles)
Meadows, Wilsonville,

Plat Ridge, (mumbles)
and Jersey City.

First class passengers
will be served dinner.

Please pick it up at the
lunch counter before boarding.

(audience laughing)

- I guess that's me.

- Oh Eb, I want you to...

- Supper will be
ready in a minute.

- Supper?

I wasn't planning...

What are those?

- Flat cakes.

Mrs. Douglas told me to
make them just like she does,

so you won't miss her.

- Bye.

- Where do you
think you're going?

- To the Pixley Diner.

What do you think you're doing?

Going to the Pixley
Diner with you.

Ah, Eb, if you don't mind,

I'd rather go by myself.

- Not without me.

- Now look, Eb...

- Mrs. Douglas told me
to keep an eye on ya,

and I intend to.

- Look, Eb...

- Mrs. Douglas gave
me my instructions.

I'm to cook for
ya, stay with ya,

and sing you this Hungarian
lullaby before you go to sleep.

(starts singing)

- Eb!

Look, I appreciate
your devotion to duty.

But I'm driving to Pixley alone.

- Well, I don't think so.

I got your distributor cap.

(audience laughing)

- Give me that.

- No sir.

- Eb, how would you like
to look for another job?

- I'd be glad to.

- Then start looking.

- Not until I save
this marriage.

- Eb please!

There's nothing wrong
with my marriage.

It's nice to be alone
once in a while.

And I'm sure Mrs.
Douglas feels the same way.

- "With All My Love, Oliver".

If you really loved me,
you would've called me.

I've been here an hour,

and my bell hasn't rung yet.

Well, I'm not going
to call you either.

I've got my pride.

Hello, operator?

Did you just ring this room?

Well, you better check.

Why don't you call the
Hootersville Operator,

and ask her if that wasn't my
husband who didn't call me.

(audience laughing)

Hootersville.

It's right next to Pixley.

What is the nearest big city?

Crever Corners.

Well ask around.

I'm sure you're
going to find it.

- Hello, hello?

- Hello.

- Lisa!

- Who is this?

- Oliver.

- What's wrong?

What are you calling about?

- Well, I didn't call
you, you called me.

- Oh, I must've dialed
your number by mistake.

- Oh, you're lonesome, huh?

- Well, maybe a little.

Are you a little?

- Yeah, a little.

- I'll be right home.

- No Lisa!

Just stay there.

- What'll I do with myself?

- Call some of your friends.

- I did and he's busy.

- Well why don't you...

What do you mean "he's busy"?

- My uncle.

(giggling)

Shook you up for
a minute, didn't I?

- Yes, yes.

Did you have dinner yet?

- No.

- Why don't you
call room service,

and order dinner in the room?

You always like that.

- I don't want to eat
by myself in the room.

- Then go down and
eat in the dining room?

- Is that what you
want me to do?

- Yes, that's what
I want you to do.

- Then I do it.

- Good.

- I love you.

- And I love you.

Goodbye.

- Oh, Oliver, when are
you going to call me again?

- I didn't c...

Late in the week.

Bye.

- Goodbye.

- Eh Lisa, don't call me again,

unless it's an emergency, huh?

Bye.

(phone ringing)

Oh for... (phone
continues ringing)

Alright, I'm coming!

- Keep ringing.

The phone is on top of the pole,

and it's going to take
him some time to climb it.

- Hello.

- Hello dear.

- Lisa?

- I took your advice
and I came down

to have dinner in
the dining room.

- I told you not to call me
unless it was an emergency.

- This is.

I don't know what
to order for dinner.

(audience laughing)

- What?

- Well, you always order for me.

- Lisa, do you
realize it's raining,

and I'm standing up
here on top of the pole

with an umbrella?

- Well, it won't take long.

Just a moment.

What's your name?

- Charles madam.

- Oliver, I'll let
you talk to Charles,

he's the waiter.

This is my husband Mr. Douglas.

He will order for me.

- Yes madam.

- Now don't take long,

he's on top of the
pole with an umbrella.

- Good evening, sir.

May I take your wife's order.

- Uh, what have you got?

- You wish me to read
the menu for you sir?

- No, look, give her a lobster.

- Yes sir.

- Oh oh oh, I'll help you.

- Oh thank you madam.

One lobster.

- One lobster.

I don't feel like lobster.

- Madam does
not feel like lobster.

- Well what does she feel like?

- He wants to know
what you do feel like.

- Oh, may I see the menu?

- Just a moment sir, madam
is looking at the menu.

- Well why didn't
she look at it before?

- I think I'll have a steak.

- Madam wishes a steak sir.

- Then give her one.

- How does madam
like her steak cooked sir?

- Medium rare.

- Medium rare, very good sir.

Anything else sir?

A baked potato, a
dinner salad, a coffee,

and chocolate mousse.

- You realize sir,

that dessert is not
included in the dinner.

However, if she does
not take any soup,

I might be able to
substitute a rice pudding.

- Give her whatever she wants.

- Yes sir.

Oh, just a moment sir,
madam wants to talk to you.

- Hello dear.

Thanks for ordering
dinner for me.

- You're welcome.

- As long as I have
you on the phone,

do you want to order
breakfast for me?

- No!

- Do you miss me?

- How can I miss you?

I've been on the phone with you

every since you left.

Now please don't call me again.

Goodbye.

- Shall I bring your
dinner madam?

- (mumbles)

I think I'll have
dinner in my room.

(sneezing)

(knocking at door)

- Come in.

- Good evening, Mr. Douglas.

Oh, hitting the bottle, huh?

Mr. Douglas, that aint
no cure for lonesomeness.

(audience laughing)

- I am not...

- Now, I know how much
you miss the little woman,

and that is why I'm here.

My card please.

- My I have my bottle?

- As soon as you read my card.

- "Haney's Lonesome Service"

Now may I have my bottle?

- If you subscribe
to my service,

you won't need this.

(glass shattering)

- Hey!

That was year old scotch!

- When you're
lonesome, age don't count.

- Mr. Haney.

- How long is your
wife gonna be gone?

- I don't know.

- Then I would advise
you to start with the

one week de-lonelyizing service.

For $ , I will
fill your idle hours

with fun and frolic that
won't give you a chance

to think how lonesome you are.

- Yes, well I...

- The fun includes horse
shoe pitching, (mumbles)

and advanced lessons in
how to dance the big apple.

- Oh, I'm not interested,
and I'm going to sleep.

- Well listen, here's
something that'll keep you

from being lonely in bed.

A full color picture of
the Beverly Hillbillies,

that lights up in the dark.

- Mr. Haney, all I want
is a little peace and quiet.

Now, goodnight.

(banjo music)

(knocking at door)

Mr. Haney, will
you leave me alone!

- It aint Haney,
it's Fred Ziffel.

Howdy Mr. Douglas.

Me and Arnold just come over
to see how you're getting along

after being all alone.

- Well, that's very nice of you.

- Arnold brought you a book.

- Oh yes, thank you.

The Three Little Pigs.

(oinking)

- That's his favorite story.

(laughing)

I'll bet he's read it more
than a hundred times.

- How could he... (oinking)

- Don't tell him
how it ends Arnold,

you'll spoil the whole thing.

(audience laughing)

- Yes, well...

- I know what you're
going through, Mr. Douglas.

Being here alone.

Doris has been
gone for two months,

but I'm luckier than you.

I've got Arnold here
to take her place.

(audience laughing)

- Yes, you are lucky.

- I like to share my luck.

Arnold's gonna stay here
and keep you company,

until your wife gets back.

- [Oliver] Wait a minute...

- Think nothing of it.

Goodnight.

- But Mr. Ziffel.

(squealing)

What the...

(oinking)

Get out of there.

(squealing)

Go on home.

Fred needs you more than I do.

Peace and quiet.

(Beverly Hillbillies theme song)

How did that get in here?

(Beverly Hillbillies theme song)

What's the use.

- Hello.

Hello, this is Mrs. Douglas.

Would you please tell
them to get my bill ready.

I'm checking out.

Oliver?

I'm home.

Oliver?

- Mrs. Douglas.

I thought that was you.

- Eb, where is my husband?

- Oh, I took him to the airport.

He said he was going
to New York to see you.

- She checked out?

- Oh yes sir, she said
she was going back home.

Would you like to register sir?

- No thanks, I gotta
get back to the airport.

Lisa? Lisa?

- She's not here.

- Didn't she come back?

- Yes sir.

But when she found out
you went to New York,

she went back there.

(phone ringing)

- This is the front
desk, may I help you?

- Yes, hello, this
is Mr. Douglas.

Did my wife come back?

- Yes sir.

- Would you connect
me with her room please.

- She didn't check in.

When she found
out you weren't here,

she went back to the
airport to return home.

- Oh well.

Thank you, thank you very much.

(upbeat music)

I don't understand it.

- Maybe she missed the plane.

Maybe we should've
gone to New York.

- Oh what good would
that... (phone ringing)

Hey, maybe that's her.

- Keep ringing, he'll be there.

- [Oliver] Hello?

- Hello there.

- Lisa?

Where are you?

- Miami.

- Miami?

- I got on the wrong plane.

When you're not with
me, I always get confused.

What will I do?

- Check in at the (mumbles)
and Gleason Hotel,

and I'll join you
there tomorrow.

- I'll get the honeymoon suite?

- Just get a room, and stay put.

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

- Lisa.

- Oliver.

I've been waiting for you.

Where are you?

- Cuba.

(audience laughing)

- Why did you go there?

I thought we were going
to meet here in Miami.

- I was.

But there was some nut
on the plane with a g*n.

The next thing I know,
we were landing in Havana.

- Do you want me to get
a plane ticket and a g*n,

and meet you there?

(audience laughing)

- No no, you stay right there.

They're flying us back tomorrow.

Bye.

- Havana.

What a phony story that is.

If you think I'm
going to believe...

(audience laughing)

(theme song)

This has been a Filmways
presentation, darling.