02x11 - Call Me the Bad Boy of Cheese

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Wyatt, how have you been?

Oh, I'm feeling pretty good.

It's my birthday today.

Well, happy birthday.

You get a free cupcake.

Thank you.

You know I gave him a
birthday cupcake last week.

And I gave him one yesterday.

That man has had
birthdays since we've opened.

Uh, ju... just one minute.

Well, I gave him a gluten-free one.

See? We can give those away.

Did anyone else notice the
dog that is bigger than me

tied up out front?

Well, I hope someone didn't abandon him.

If someone abandoned him,

I swear, I will go
John Wick on their ass.

Well, how long has he been out there?

I don't know.

Um, okay, people, did
anyone tie up a dog outside?

Oh, sh**t, did he poop?

I'll grab some napkins.

Can you bring a coffee out to me, honey?

Uh, it's Kat.

Nick. No cream or sugar.

Uh, there is a line, you know.

Yeah, I appreciate you letting me cut.

Wh... Just hold on one more moment.

You're not really taking
that man coffee, are you?

My brain says no,

but my people-pleasing heart says yeah.

All right, Brutus,
there's a lady coming.

Look sharp, no farting.
I'll try and do the same.

Hey, you really shouldn't leave
your dog unattended like that.

I mean, what if he got loose?

Oh, he'd be fine. He's
got my phone number.

If you ask nice, he'll give it to you.

Oh, I think I'd rather have his number.

Oh! (LAUGHS)

Sorry, Brutus is a rascal.

- He does whatever I'm thinking.
- (CHUCKLES)

Hope your breath is better than his.

Well, the good news is he didn't poop.

I almost did when he jumped up on me.

- So is this your café?
- Yeah, it is.

Ah, I just opened up that new
sandwich shop down the street,

Meat, Myself and I.

Get it?

Yes, I'm familiar with wordplay.

All right, well, stop
by my place sometime,

I'll make you a sandwich.

Oh, and, um, take care of
these for me, will you, honey?

Uh, I'm not a secretary in the
' s, I don't go by "honey."

Got it. See you around.

♪ Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me ♪

♪ Nothin' wrong with you
but I'd rather be me. ♪

Hey, what are you doing?

Oh, I'm making a "welcome to the
neighborhood" basket for Nick.

For Mr. Give Me a Coffee, Honey?

He never paid for that, by the way.

I know he was kind of a jerk,
but I've made a welcome basket

for every new business
that's opened on the block.

Even the skateboard place
that greeted me with,

"Hey, Tyler, your mom's here."

They still call you "Tyler's mom."

You know, honestly, he's a
good kid, I could do worse.

You know, you really are like
the neighborhood ambassador.

Ooh, I like that. Spread the word.

I want to make it a thing.

Hello, all.

- Oh, hey, Max.
- Hi, Max.

I have been instructed to present

this gift to one Miss Randi Hamilton.

He knows that I can see him
through the window, right?

Just play along, he wanted
to watch your reaction.

Oh, my gosh! This was my
favorite chocolate bar as a kid.

I didn't know they still made it.

Carter called the company
and found a candy store

that still sells them, then
he drove two hours to get it.

Each way or round trip?

I will not be taking
follow-up questions.

This is weird enough as it is.

Have a nice day.

Aw, Carter is so sweet.

It makes my teeth hurt.

That or it's about to rain.

I love that he spoils you just 'cause.

Yeah, I know.

Honeybun, for someone
who's holding a candy bar,

you do not seem very happy.

It's just that ever since
Carter and I went official,

he keeps giving me these
thoughtful little gifts.

And I guess I'm not used
to that type of affection.

Marty and I used to give each
other things all the time.

And write each other poems.

Oh, what are we
talking... haiku, limerick?

Erotic.

I'm gifted with dirty rhymes.

Block, smock, clock,
they all rhyme with...

We got it.

Do we?

Oh, now we do, yeah.

Well, maybe I can give this
thoughtful gift thing a try.

Though I don't know how I can compete.

What about a trip to Hawaii?

If I could afford that, do you think

I would be wearing an
apron with a cat face on it?

I'm gonna pretend like
the answer to that is yes.

What about a kitten party?

You know, where you
dress up all the cats

like your favorite
science fiction writers?

Margaret Cat-wood.

No, that's more for me.

Why don't you just ask him?

Well, that defeats the whole purpose.

All right, then listen to him.

You know, when people
talk, they're telling you

exactly what they want.

That's right.

- Rolex.
- Kitten party.

Hi.

Hello, Brutus.

May I? It's a cat treat...
I hope he's not too picky.

Oh, he loves a cat treat.

No fillers though,
right? Just % pure cat?

That's not funny.

That's kind of funny.

I actually brought
something for you, too.

Oh, you didn't have to do that.

If you want a date, all
you got to do is ask.

Uh, I've got a boyfriend, thanks.

I can't tell you how many
relationships I've been in

that started with, "I have a boyfriend."

Does this little gambit
work on a lot of women?

I do all right.

Actually, Brutus does
most of the heavy lifting.

See, that I believe.

I just came by to say
welcome to the block.

I'm kind of the neighborhood ambassador.

Oh, is that an official title?

Yeah, it comes with a
townhouse and diplomatic plates.

So what do we have here?

Oh, well, this is our
special coffee blend.

We get our beans from a local roaster.

Two different types of Arabica.

With vanilla... cute.

Our coffee program's pretty extensive.

Hawaiian Kona, Guatemalan Robusta,

and an Ethiopian single
origin that'll make you feel

like you just did an eight ball.

Is that a good thing?

Have you tried an eight ball?

I own a cat café... what do you think?

You want to put something
in your mouth that

you'll think about for weeks?

Woah, what?

Oh!

(LAUGHING): Oh, this... this cheese, yeah.

Oh, that's really good cheese.

Right? A little nutty, a little naughty.

- What is it?
- Reblochon.

Made from unpasteurized milk.

Totally illegal to
serve that in the U.S.

Aren't you worried about
the health inspector?

Or the FDA?

Nah, I'm like the wife
visiting her husband in prison.

I know how to make a package disappear.

Oh.

You're not gonna narc on me, are you?

I am not a snitch,

no matter what it says in
my high school yearbook.

Great. You want a beer?

You have a liquor license?

No. That's why I don't sell it.

I just offer it to
anyone who wants to tip

seven dollars a bottle.

Oh, wow, okay, no thanks.

You know, I feel like if I
learn anything else about you,

I'm gonna be called in
to testify at some point.

I'm just gonna go.

Well, hold on a second.

You, uh...

got a little cheese on your neck.

Oh, uh, okay, thanks.

You're welcome.

Come back anytime, Kitty Kat.

It's Kat. Just, uh, just Kat.

Or Katharine, but only
my mother calls me that.

Whoa! And you, sir, are not my mother.

- (DOOR RATTLES)
- Oh, gosh.

It's one of the... you pull?

Got it, yep. Bye.

Dude, you could not win a
fight with a silverback gorilla.

(SCOFFS) Coming from
a guy who said he can

take on an ostrich
running at full speed.

CARTER: What? Have you seen
me display my dominance?

Man, that thing would
stop in its tracks.

I'm the apex predator.

Oh, my goodness! I've
been listening to you two

for the past minutes.

"I could headbutt a rhino,"

"I could body-slam an alligator,"

when neither one of you are
brave enough to arm-wrestle me.

I'm brave enough.

Just need to be in the right headspace.

Okay then, what should
we be talking about?

I don't know. Something important,

like-like what's the meaning of life

or-or what would you want
that's under $ after tax.

You know, I think a lot
about the meaning of life

and why we're here...

That is so fascinating.

Okay, Carter, you're up.

Wants? Needs? Wants?

Hmm. You know what I've
always really, really wanted?

I'm listening.

To fight a lion.

A lion would rip you to shreds.

Okay, neither one of you could
win a fight against any animal.

We could if we trained. (GASPS)

There's a new boxing gym on
Fifth. We should go together.

That'd be awesome. Hey,
I need boxing gloves.

Ooh, okay! Boxing gloves.

Do these come in
specific sizes or colors?

- I got you. I have an extra pair.
- Mm, hey, you know

what would be better
for fighting a lion?

- Hmm?
- Jujitsu.

Okay, is there any
equipment you need for that?

Yeah, a gi, a mouthguard, safety gear.

Okay. Uh, good to know.

Yeah, I still got all that
from my tae kwon do days.

(GRUNTS)

MAX: Okay, Randi,

let's arm-wrestle.

(CHUCKLES): Oh!

Told you.

Hola!

Oh, hey! What a nice surprise.

I was just having lunch
at that new sandwich place.

Thought I'd bring you one.

Oh. Thanks.

What's wrong?

You're usually over the moon

when I bring you unexpected snacks.

If she doesn't want it, we'll take it.

It's just the owner of that
place is incredibly annoying.

So is that a no?

I thought he was cool.
Why don't you like him?

I'm just gonna take it.

Because he's basically a criminal.

Serving illegal cheese,
selling illegal beer,

while all of the other businesses
are following the rules.

Eh, I don't know. I
think that hair salon

might be a front for something.

I am constantly delivering
boxes of shampoo...

never seen a single customer in there.

No, I've seen someone there once.

Though he was bald,

so you might be onto something.

All right, I got to go.
I'm double-parked out front.

You really should get
a yellow curb like Nick.

- Nick has a yellow curb?
- Yeah.

How did he get that?
I applied a year ago

and haven't heard back.

I don't know. Ask him.

All right, love you. Bye.

Okay, that's weird, right?

Like, how did he get a curb so fast?

(SCOFFS) I bet he bribed someone.

Or painted it himself.

- You think he'd do that?
- Oh, I wouldn't put it past him.

He's one of those guys
who thinks he can do

whatever he wants
'cause he's good-looking.

Like, "Hey, I'm Nick. I'm good-looking.

I can do whatever I want
'cause I'm good-looking."

Why are you letting this
guy get under your skin?

He's not getting under my skin.

Well, he's getting under something!

He's not getting under anything.

And it's only a matter of time

before justice catches up with him.

Give me that sandwich.

Let me see what all the hubbub is about.

Holy balls, that's delicious!

So?

I've had better.

Hey! Kitty Kat.

Hey, Nick-Knack!

That sounded cooler in my head.

What's with the smile?

You look like the cat
who swallowed something.

Oh, I did. I'm the cat
who swallowed a curb.

Again, cooler in my head.

What do you mean?

Well, I did a little digging

around your new yellow zone out there.

You may not know this, but I was once

on the neighborhood business council.

Yes, I was. I've got the mug
and the visor to prove it.

So I could say,

"Guess what I found out,"

but I think you already know...

That I painted the curb myself?

... that you painted the curb yourself!

So that's what's got
your panties in a bunch.

You know, I was willing to overlook

your questionable orgasmic
cheese and your unlicensed beer,

but that curb is a flagrant
violation of common courtesy.

Even worse than your use
of the word "panties."

Hold that lecture. My
best customer's here.

Hey, man!

What can I get you?

I'll take a number four.

Ooh! And put it inside a number two.

Hey, Kat.

Did you come to get the good stuff?

Did you know he has

illegal sausage from France?

- What?
- It's a gray area,

but I know a guy who knows
a guy who knows a pig.

Well, knew a pig.

(CHUCKLES) You should
really get a sandwich

while you're here. They're phenomenal.

No, no. These sandwiches are built

on the backs of shortcuts and lies.

You need to paint that curb back.

It's just not fair to your neighbors.

No one's stopping them
from painting their curbs.

Oh, so-so everyone just does
whatever they damn well please

and no one is respecting their neighbor?

And then do you know what we have, Nick?

We have anarchy.

Well, at least it'll be interesting.

- Just paint the curb back.
- Come on, Kat.

Is it really that big of a deal?

Yes! And you're not
supposed to take his side.

- I'm not taking his side.
- Well, it sure sounds like you're taking his side.

- Well, I'm not.
- Oh!

I am sensing a lovers' quarrel here.

Is this your boyfriend?

(CHUCKLES): Oh. No.

- No, Kat's my best friend.
- (CHUCKLES)

Really? I would've bet money

- that you two were bangin'.
- What?

- Uh, no, no, no. (CHUCKLES)
- Yeah, no. No.

- (CHUCKLES)
- I mean, we... we had a thing a while ago,

- but it was...
- Like, it... wasn't really a thing.

- Well, it was kind of a thing.
- Like, it was, like, a little bit of a thing,

but it's not a thing anymore.

- Yeah. It's... it's... it's not.
- It's not.

Got it. Misread.

Zero sexual tension here.

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

So, how long on that sandwich?

Hey, guys. I really need your help.

I've been going a little
crazy trying to figure out

what to give Carter, but I
think I got some good stuff here.

Okay, uh... Oh, what's this?

Oh, that is a napkin
from our first date.

Pretty romantic, right?

You saved the napkin
from your first date?

No, that's from a different Applebee's,

but he won't know that.

Oh, so you're gonna show
him you care by lying?

Okay, now you just ruined it.

Let's keep digging.

- What is this?
- Oh!

That is a coffee warmer,

because he drinks coffee and he...

warmers my heart.

"Warms" was right there.

(SIGHS) See? I'm no good at this.

Okay, well, don't give
up. Let's keep looking.

Oh, uh, what's this?

Oh! That is a catalog of cemetery plots

to show him that I am
thinking long-term. (CHUCKLES)

Wow, that's...

really nice.

No, it's not. It's creepy.

- Yeah, it's totally creepy.
- (SIGHS)

Truth, hon,

I am not seeing a winner.

O-okay, there is one more possibility,

but I need you to withhold all judgment.

I made it in my ceramics class,
and clay is not my medium.

Oh!

Good Lord!

I said withhold all judgment!

Is that supposed to be Carter?

(SIGHS)

Oh, it's just wonderful!

Yeah, it's not at all
disturbing or seemingly cursed.

You guys, I don't know what to do.

Stop stressing out.

It's not like Carter's
expecting anything.

Yeah, but he's really into
all this romantic crap,

and I'm not good at expressing myself!

Well, you might start
by not calling it "crap."

Fair point.

'Cause the truth is, I'm...

(MUMBLES): sorta, kinda starting
to fall in love with him.

I'm sorry, what was that?

Oh, don't make me say it again.

- Oh, girl, you're gonna say it again.
- (SIGHS)

Fine! Fine.

I'm kinda, sorta starting
to fall in love with him.

(CHUCKLES): Aw! Sweetie!

Look who has a gooey nougat center.

You know what? It might just be
easier if I break up with him.

Hey, you guys doing free coffee today?

No?

Okay. See you later.

Wait, where are you going?

That new place down the street

is giving away free coffee.

There's a sign out front.

What?

(YELPS)

I thought it moved.

Very funny.

Wait, did it?

You have got to be kidding me!

Coffee and animals...

what a great idea.

(SOFT CHATTER)

Nick, what the hell?

You can get the free coffee
without bringing the sign.

It's not like a coupon.

What are you guys doing here?!

He's got five kinds of prosciutto!

- And truffle aioli!
- Where else would we be?

We talked about this. We said
we were gonna boycott this place.

I never agreed to that.

I had no idea we were
coming here for lunch.

Before I knew it, I was
on my second sandwich.

You're both traitors.

Do you know that he put a
sign in front of my café

to steal my customers?

Sorry, sweetie, but
this sandwich is so good.

Can't I love you both?

Oh. So this is your boyfriend.

Yeah. Yeah, it is.

And he's having lunch
with your best friend

who you may or may not
have had a thing with?

We're very evolved people!

Yeah, we're buds now.

It's actually kind of nice.

Well,

whatever tickles your pickle.

- Nick, I am not done with you.
- Listen,

you don't own the sidewalk.

I put my sign in a high-traffic area.

It's business... nothing more.

All right. If that's how
we're gonna play this,

you watch out.

I'm comin' for you.

Guys, let's go.

I got to back my girl.

But, also, wrap up five sandwiches.

We'll come get 'em later.

Make it ten.

(KNOCKING)

Hello.

- Hello, Mother.
- (DOOR CLOSES)

Ooh! What's happening here?

Please say you're painting the café.

All those pastels.

It's like a women's
health center down there.

Every time I walk in,

I feel like I'm getting a mammogram.

I'm painting a curb.

It's the first step in a two-part plan

to exact revenge on Nick.

Oh, yes, the bad boy of cheese.

You know, I'm not much for
food you eat with your hands,

but, oh, what he's doing with
those sandwiches is remarkable.

Not you, too?

Well, you know my weak spot
is artisanal and hard-to-get.

Now, what's the second
part of this big plan?

Oh, I'm gonna dress up like a cat

and I'm gonna stand in front of his shop

and spin this arrow sign to
direct traffic towards my café.

Have you thought about a one-part plan?

Sweetie, let it go.

No, I can't. This guy
just rubs me the wrong way,

with his stupid little
smirk and his swagger.

He's smirking and swaggering
all over the place.

Hmm. Sounds like maybe
he rubs you the right way.

What is that supposed to mean?

I think you have a little crush.

(CHUCKLES): I do not
have a crush on Nick.

Really? He's all you've talked
about the last couple of days,

and you seem to be finding
reasons to go see him.

He's actively targeting me.

That's because he likes
getting a rise out of you.

It's like you're in kindergarten
and he's pulling your pigtails.

- That's ridiculous.
- Is it?

You know, the next step after this

is playing doctor under the monkey bars.

Mother, I have a boyfriend.

Doesn't mean you can't have a crush.

You know I don't enjoy
these little visits

as much as you do, right?

Honey, it's not always about you.

- Hey, babe.
- Hey.

- What you got there?
- Hold on, hold on.

Voilà!

Ooh.

What am I looking at here?

It's you.

Are you sure?

Yeah, it's my way of
showing how I feel about you.

Whatever I did wrong, I am so sorry.

No, actually, you've been
doing everything right.

Why is my mouth on my forehead?

It's because you always speak your mind.

And-and, right here,
I was trying to show

the kindness in your eyes.

There's something in those eyes.

- All seven of 'em.
- (SCOFFS) See?

This was a bad idea.

Why don't you just put it on the roof

so we can scare the pigeons away?

No, no, no!

I love it! I love it.

No, you don't.

- No, I don't.
- (SIGHS)

I just wanted to show
you how much I care.

Sometimes I worry that our relationship

might feel a little one-sided.

What are you talking about?

It's just that you do so much for me.

All the little gifts
and thoughtful surprises.

I just don't want you to feel

like you're in this more than I am.

Are you kidding?

I feel like I can't keep up

with all the nice things you do for me.

Really? Wh-what do I do?

You put my towels in the dryer

so they're warm when I
get out of the shower.

You bought me those
glow-in-the-dark footprints

so I know where to stand to
pee in the middle of the night.

Well, honestly, that one
was for the both of us.

Plus, there's that thing
you did in bed last Thursday.

That was a one-off.

Still meant a lot.

So...

we just have different ways
of saying the same thing.

Exactly.

And I'm a pretty great girlfriend.

- Yeah.
- (CHUCKLES)

You know what would make you
a really great girlfriend?

It was a one-off.

Hey.

Haven't seen you in a couple days.

Thought you were, uh, "comin' for me."

I decided you weren't worth the energy.

Aw. Didn't peg you as a quitter.

Well, I am full of surprises.

What do you want, Nick?

Nothing. I was just putting my sign out,

figured I'd stop in and say hi.

Hi.

That it?

You're not gonna stomp your
feet and raise your fist

and yell, "Anarchy"?

You only get one "anarchy" per week.

You have rules for anarchy?

Goodbye, Nick.

All right, I'll go.

Can I ask you something?

If it gets you to leave, yeah.

Your boyfriend...

does he challenge you?

Why would you ask me that?

I don't know.

You seem like someone
who enjoys a challenge.

Yeah, Oscar challenges me.

He challenges me plenty.

All right.

Just checkin'.

So you wouldn't want
to grab dinner sometime?

Just the two of us?

We can keep it a secret.

Absolutely not.

See you around, Kitty Kat.

That was a challenge.

NICK: Your mom was right.

You do have a crush on me.

Shut up and kiss me.

(GASPS)

Uh-oh.

("CHECK ME OUT" BY
HENRY PARSLEY PLAYING)

♪ Hey, hey, oh, hey! ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I got the Lambo car ♪

♪ House in the hills with the stars ♪

♪ Told you I'd raise the bar ♪

♪ Told you that I'd go far ♪

♪ Oh, what we could have been ♪

♪ If you weren't arrogant ♪

♪ Baby, what we could have been ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Oh... ♪

♪ Baby, it's crystal-clear ♪

♪ Oh... ♪

♪ I'm not a souvenir ♪

♪ Oh... ♪

♪ I'm not an accessory ♪

♪ I'm a necessity ♪

♪ So come and check me out now. ♪