03x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

["I Think We're Alone Now"
by the Rubinoos playing]

[moaning]

[pants, grunts]

♪ Children, behave ♪

♪ That's what they say
When we're together ♪

♪ And watch how you play ♪

♪ They don't understand ♪

♪ And so we're
Running just as fast as we can… ♪

[moaning]

♪ Holding on to one another's hand ♪

♪ Trying to get away into the night… ♪

[moaning, grunting]

[grunts]

[moaning]

[groans]

[moaning]

[moans]

Whoo!

[woman moaning on computer]

[man moaning on computer]

[man, woman moaning on computer]

♪ 'Cause what would they say ♪

♪ If they ever knew? ♪

♪ And so we're
Running just as fast as we can… ♪

[moaning]

[moans]

♪ And then you put your arms around me
And we tumble to the ground… ♪

-[moaning]
-[woman in video moaning]

[groans]

[woman moaning]

♪ I think we're alone now… ♪

[moaning]

[woman moaning]

[moaning]

[groans]

♪ I think we're alone now ♪

♪ There doesn't seem
To be anyone around… ♪

[all moaning]

Whoo! [panting]

That was so great! [panting]

It was okay.

I didn't come though.

[Dex panting]

[Dex sighs]

But you do usually come, though, right?

Yeah. I mean, with other guys.

But not with me?

Well, this is quite a surprise.

Who gave you these orgasms, then?

Tom Baker, Joe Fuchart, Ryan Bailey--

Okay, I get it. I get it.

-What did they do different?
-I don't know. Maybe do some research.

[pants]

[whispers] Am I bad at sex?

♪ Whoa, I feel all right this mornin' ♪

♪ You ain't nothin' but a hound dog ♪

♪ Quit snoopin' round my door ♪

♪ You ain't nothin' but a hound dog ♪

♪ Quit snoopin' round my door ♪

♪ You can wag your tail ♪

♪ But I ain't gonna feed you no more ♪

[phone ringing]

-[gargles] Hello?
-[Jean] Good morning, darling!

-Wanted to make sure you didn't sleep in.
-Mm-hmm.

-You had breakfast yet?
-Mm-hmm.

Can I please have more
than a one-grunt answer?

Have you told Jakob yet?

I'm about to be on-air, sweetheart,
so I'll… We'll talk about that later.

[sighs]

-[whooshing]
-[pop music playing]

[DJ] We have Dr. Jean Milburn here
to talk about her new book,

Uneducated Nation -
A Sex Education Manifesto for Our Youth.

She wrote this as a response to
working on campus at Moordale Secondary,

which got some pretty bad press recently
following a chlamydia outbreak,

and the performance
of a so-called "sex musical."

[DJ chuckles]

So, Dr. Milburn, tell us about the book.

Well, I was shocked at the ineptitude
of the SRE curriculums in schools.

So I created this easy-to-read manual
to help empower our teenagers,

and their parents, as they become
sexually active young adults.

Sounds a bit racy.

Well, if, by racy,
you mean highly researched

and completely essential to the health
and well-being of our children,

then, yes, I suppose it is.

[DJ] A lot of people
will be sitting at home thinking,

"I wasn't taught this stuff, and I…"

Thanks.

"Is it really necessary?"

[Jean] Hopefully, if people read my book,
they'll understand how…

They're not still going on
about "Sex School," are they?

Mm. It's as if no one
in this town's had sex before. [chuckles]

Okay, thanks for the tea, Joe!

I better go.

I don't wanna be late for my first day.

If you're not gonna finish your tea,
at least take your lunch.

Oh.

It's a fancy sandwich. Cheese and ham.

-[Maeve] Wow.
-Mm.

Hm. Thank you.
See you later. Have a nice day.

-Bye.
-[Isaac] Good luck!

[door closes]

Enough of the yearning looks, you pillock.
Just tell her you like her already.

[car horn honks]

-Hi!
-[Aimee] Hi!

Nice ride, Aimes.

Thanks! Mum thinks I'm safer driving
than getting the bus, so here we are.

Okay.

-[goat bleats]
-[Maeve] Who's this?

[whispers] Maeve, that's Steve.

No, Aimee, the goat.

Oh! She's our commitment animal.

Apparently,
pets bring couples closer together.

We didn't think about who was gonna
look after her when we're at school, so…

-[Aimee] Yeah. Right!
-[car engine starting]

[woman] Whoa! Hey! [screams]

[grunts]

Sorry, love!

-Aimes?
-[Aimee] You okay?

-[woman] No!
-Yeah.

Let's try that again, shall we?

♪ She keeps me right on time ♪

♪ With the cymbals on the backbeat now ♪

♪ And I'm not goin' back again ♪

♪ To the lonely life I used to know… ♪

Oatcake, what's on your face?

It's a mustache.
I've been growing it all summer,

but somebody has been too busy having sex
with their new boyfriend to notice.

Uh, I was hoping it was a phase.

And Adam and I aren't having sex sex.

We're just doing hand jobs and stuff.

Hand jobs is sex.
Virginity is a construct.

Yes! Yes, I know!

But I really want to go all the way!

What is it you want to say to me?

I think you need to be careful.

[sighs] And I think you need
to make more of an effort with him.

Okay. Okay, I will.

Hey, I forgot to tell you.
I saw Maeve the other day.

Why are you telling me about Maeve?

-I thought you might wanna know?
-She hasn't responded to my message.

She's made it abundantly clear
she doesn't want me in her life, so, no.

I don't need to know
what Maeve is doing anymore.

Well, I just--

Oh my God!

-The f*ck is that?
-[both scream]

-[Eric] Adam, you f*cking idiot!
-[Otis] f*ck!

Whoo! Ha ha!

[whimpers]

All right, New Kid?

What is that on your face?

[funky music playing]

[girl ] What's Adam Groff doing back?

I heard his mum bribed the school
to let him back.

And you know he's gay now, right?

[scoffs]

You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

[funky music continues]

[sighs]

Oatcake, you all right?

I'm A-okay, Eric. I'm fine. I'm chillaxed!

[chuckles] To the max!

Okay then, Mr. Mustache.

So you guys didn't speak much over summer?

No. I haven't heard from him
since last term.

-I always thought you two would make up.
-We're not fighting.

We're just not friends anymore.

Why's there a camera crew here?

[whimsical music playing]

You've grown!

[chuckles] Massive!

Hey, hey, hey! Whoa, whoa, girls!
Why is there a goat on campus?

She's mine and Steve's commitment animal.

Right. You didn't think of a hamster?

Or, um, a terrapin?

Or a worm farm?

How's Eugene?

[sighs] I mean, long-distance is hard,

but I think if we play our cards right,
we'll both end up at Oxford.

Did I tell you he speaks six languages?

Yes.

[journalist] Here are some of the students
currently attending what has been dubbed

the "Sex School."

Oh, excuse me, young man,
what can you tell us

about last year's chlamydia outbreak
on campus?

[whispers] Please speak.

We're live.

[sniffs]

Uh, hi. Hi.

I'm Eric Effiong.

And all I can say about the outbreak was
that it was absolutely terrifying.

We were scared for our lives.

[Eric chuckles]

Do you have an opinion, young man?

Yes.

Firstly, it was mass hysteria,

not a chlamydia outbreak.
Your facts are wrong.

-Otis, shh! We're on TV.
-[girl] Yeah, shut up, Milburn!

-Are you Dr. Jean Milburn's son?
-Yes. Yes, he is that.

Are the students of Moordale as depraved
as your mother makes out in her new book?

I think my mum's book is
an honest insight into teenagers today,

and people should probably read it
before speculating.

You should probably read it.

Probably.

[bell ringing]

It's true. I do love an empty school.

-But it's nice to see the students.
-Priceless.

I used to teach geography
before I became a headmaster.

I'm also very experienced
in teaching history and--

Thanks for coming in, Mr. Groff.
We will consider your application.

Are you actually going to consider
my application?

No.

I'm sorry. The controversy surrounding
Moordale Secondary is too fresh.

You're also far too experienced
for this role.

This is the fifth teaching position
that I've applied for,

and frankly, I'm running out of options.

It's still a no.

♪ One, two, three ♪

♪ One, two, three ♪

♪ All right ♪

♪ Got to know how to pony ♪

♪ Like Bony Maronie ♪

♪ Mashed potato ♪

♪ Do the alligator ♪

♪ Put your hand on your hips, yeah ♪

♪ Let your backbone slip ♪

♪ Do the Watusi ♪

♪ Like my little Lucy ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

-[music stops]
-[mic feedback]

Good morning, Moordale!

How is everyone feeling today?

Really good!

I am your new head teacher, Mrs. Haddon,

but you can call me Hope.

[whispers] She's cool.
Teachers aren't supposed to be cool.

The first thing you need to know about me

is that I used to be sitting
where you are now.

Literally. [chuckles]

Yeah, I went to Moordale too.

-I love her lipstick. It's so bold.
-Mm.

[Hope] I've achieved a lot since then.

Two degrees, teaching positions
at some of the country's top institutions,

and by , I became
the youngest head teacher in the UK.

But the years I spent in this building
were the best of my life.

This school not only encouraged me
to excel academically,

but it truly allowed me
to find my purpose.

Which is why it's been so hurtful
to read some of the horrible things

written about Moordale in the press.

I don't know what went wrong

or how we ended up here,

but I do know

it changes today.

I can promise you this.

If you work hard
and you take pride in your school,

I will get Moordale and your futures

back on track.

-[girl] Yeah!
-Oh!

-Wow!
-Come on, girl!

[Hope] So let me hear you.

Let's get Moordale…

Back on track!

Let's get Moordale…

-I love her.
-[crowd] Back on track!

She's like Joan of Arc, but cooler.

-Back on track!
-Yes!

[music continues]

-Wow!
-[crowd cheering]

-[Hope] Thank you all!
-Come on.

To a great start and a great week. And oh!

Can Otis Milburn
and Maeve Wiley come to my office, please?

You get to meet her in the flesh.

Maeve!

[whimsical music playing]

Hi, Jakob!

You're looking well.

Oh, this?

[chuckles]

Funny story.

You impregnated me.

Surprise!

Oh sh*t.

[sighs]

[car engine starting]

[tools clanking]

Damn it! sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!

How come you're back in school?

I wanna learn some sh*t, don't I?

You must be Jackson Marchetti,
famed head boy.

That would be me.

Of course. Of course.

Acting, swimming extraordinaire.

I'm re-enrolling.
I think I need to take some kind of test.

Ah, yes, Mr. Groff's son.

My receptionist has your paperwork.

Hi, guys. You can go straight in.

[whimsical music continues]

Jackson,
can I get you to come back a bit later?

It was really lovely to meet you.

[Hope] I've heard
a lot about the two of you.

Sit down.

Don't worry. You're not in any trouble.

An on-campus sex clinic for teenagers is
rather entrepreneurial, in my opinion.

Shows a lot of business savvy.

Is it something you're wanting to pursue?

N… no.

No. We don't run the clinic anymore.

[inhales sharply] We've realized
it wasn't very ethical, and we--

We sort of stopped being friends.
We grew apart.

[Hope] Oh. That's a shame.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that Moordale
is here to encourage your passions.

It would be great
if you could keep me in the loop

of any further business endeavors
you come up with in the future.

[Maeve chuckles]

That's it.

[Otis sighs] Okay.

[clears throat] Thank you.

[Hope] Oh, Otis…

tell your mum I'm really looking forward
to reading her book.

I will… Yeah. Yeah.

-I thought we were screwed.
-[chuckles] Me too.

[Maeve chuckles]

-sh*t. Well, thank God.
-Yeah.

[Otis] So why aren't we friends anymore?

Nice beard.

What's your point?

Nothing.

We're just in different places.

If that's what you wanna call it.

[Maeve chuckles]

Bye, Otis.

Maeve?

Yeah?

It's called a mustache.

Yeah, no sh*t.

[phone buzzing]

[whimsical music playing]

[suspenseful music playing]

[whistles]

[grunts]

[moaning]

-Wait. Did anyone see you coming in?
-No, I was careful.

Okay.

Careful there. Careful there.

Okay.

[sniffs]

Oh, your aftershave is so cheap.
It turns me on.

[both moaning]

-[door opens]
-[gasps]

[Dex] Hi, I'm looking for Sex King?

[deep voice]
What is the problem, young man?

Um, my girlfriend told me
she's never come having sex with me,

but she did used to with other guys.

-[deep voice] What are your measurements?
-What do you mean?

[deep voice] Women need a large penis
in order to come.

A smaller penis could be okay
with the right amount of girth,

but a small d*ck and no girth
will never please a woman.

I've, uh, never measured.

[deep voice] Come back to me when you do.

I'll need measurements
for width, length, erect, and flaccid.

That'll be pounds, please.

-But you haven't helped.
-[deep voice] Half now, half later?

[door closes]

[sighs]

[screams]

Kyle?

Milburn! It's only you.

Thought it was the fuzz again. [chuckles]
I'm the Sex King now!

You are no such thing!

-[beeps]
-You left a gap in the market.

-"Pubes are overrated"?
-Yeah.

"To win the race, come on the face"?

Big-time.

Are you just getting
all your advice from p*rn?

Look, no offense, mate,
but I've had a lot more sex than you.

Well, I'm going to have to report you
because this is dangerous and it's wrong.

[phone chimes]

[Ruby] sh**t!

[Kyle scoffs]

What are you doing in here, anyway?

Nothing.

[suspenseful music playing]

[Otis] Kyle.

[murmuring]

[Kyle grunts]

Ruby! What are you doing here?

Well, well, well.

Ruby Matthews
is secretly shagging Otis Milburn.

[chuckles]

-Kyle…
-People are gonna love this!

Kyle, wait!
Please don't tell anyone about this.

Then you can't tell anyone
about me being the Sex King.

Unless you want everyone to know
about your secret sex affair. [chuckles]

Laters, losers.

Well done.

[funky music playing]

Ruby! Ruby! Ruby, wait!

I… I have to tell somebody.
He could hurt people!

Otis,

do you like having sex with me?

Mm.

Do you like it when I touch you?

[inhales]

Would you like it if I were
to suddenly stop touching you forever?

No.

-Then you will keep your mouth shut.
-Mm.

Remember,
five feet behind me at all times.

[funky music continues]

[music fades]

Someone else is giving out sex advice
on campus.

Who?

I can't say.

What do you mean, "You can't say"?
We tell each other everything!

You know it stays between me and you.

Okay. Okay, fine.

-It's Kyle.
-Hmm?

He's charging people for advice
and calling himself the Sex King.

Look at my big tits!

-I mean, we have to tell someone.
-[Otis] We can't.

Why not?

Because

if I do, he's gonna tell people
I'm hooking up with Ruby.

Sorry, what?

Look, I haven't told you,

but we've been having casual sex
all over summer.

She wants it to be a secret,
and we haven't seen each other that much.

[laughing]

Are you kidding?

Hey, what's that on your neck?

♪ Everybody dance now… ♪

Oh my God!

[Eric gasping]

What? How? When?

Okay, okay, okay.

So, it was Olivia's party.

You were supposed to come
but decided to watch movies with Adam.

Anyway, I was there on my own.

At first, Ruby ignored me.

But then…

♪ Give me the music ♪

♪ The music is my life… ♪

-Milburn!
-Oh!

Oh. Hi, Ruby, what are you?

I'm early s Christina Aguilera.

Very cool. I'm macaroni cheese.

-Shut up and have sex with me.
-What are you sad about tonight?

I'm a teenage girl, Otis. I'm always sad.

[both moaning]

Wait. Why were you macaroni cheese?

That's not the point, Eric!

-Sorry.
-I'm sorry I didn't tell you before.

I think I'm still figuring it out myself.

You're having casual sex
with the most popular girl in school?

I know!

-I'm so proud of you!
-It's amazing.

-I'm so proud of you!
-And there's no strings.

-So nobody gets hurt.
-Mm.

Wahey! Whoa!

What you gonna do about Kyle?

I guess
it's not my responsibility anymore?

[Kyle] Ow! Oh!

[whimsical music playing]

[laughter]

[boy] Groff loves penis!

How did the test go?

[boy] It does look bad.

You got a problem?

[splutters] No, Adam. Sorry, Adam.

[all gasp]

What are you doing?

They… they were talking about me.

But that doesn't mean
you can hurt people, Adam.

No, I… I can't do this again.

What are you all looking at?

[muffled dance music playing]

[sighs]

[man] Hey, hey, little bro!

How was the, uh, job interview?

Did you smash it?

Yeah, yes, it was great.
Um, I start tomorrow.

Thank f*ck!

Hey, tell me something.

What's an average teacher's salary
these days?

You know, ballpark. We were talking
at work, and we haven't got a clue.

-Well, it starts--
-Mm.

Taste that. Go on, it's a protein shake.

-How f*cking good is that?
-[coughs]

-Come on! Eh?
-[phone chimes]

Oh sh*t. You remember James McBride?
He's only gone and bought a yacht.

Now the wife's dropping f*cking hints.

Know what the secret
to a happy marriage is?

I'm not really the best person
to answer that, Peter.

[Peter chuckles]

Money. Well, that and keeping
the toilet seat down, but

mostly f*cking money…

[exclaims]

I'm so wired after court today!
I f*cking destroyed the defendant.

I mean, I just like… [pops lips]
…dismembered them.

[grunts, snarls]

Come on. Quick game of squash, Chub-Chub?

Oink, oink. [chuckles]

Nice day at school?

Yeah, it was all right.
Your book is causing quite the stir.

-Press there and everything.
-Really?

-It's not that controversial.
-I know.

Mm. Wanna watch a movie tonight?

How about When Harry Met Sally…?

-Or…
-[phone chimes]

…How to Lose A Guy in Days?

You choose.

I'm going out.

Where?

I have homework with Eric.

-I'll be home later.
-Right.

Oh, Otis.

I've got a scan tomorrow.
Will you come with me?

Please?

Sure.

But you have to tell him, Mum.

[whispers] I will.

[knocking at door]

Go away, Mum.

You're not w*nk*ng, are you?

Are you okay?

Do you wanna go and smash some sh*t?

Or we could talk instead?

I'm… I'm not good at talking.

When my mum d*ed,
I was angry all the time.

My counselor told me
to take my anger out on a pillow,

so I punched my pillow
every night for months.

But in the end, it turned out that
talking was the only thing that helped.

What happened today?

I… I don't want people
to think I'm a p*ssy.

-'Cause you're dating a guy?
-I'm still a man.

Yeah. Of course you're still a man.

[sighs]

But you know,
men don't need to hit things,

and men can date other men.

-You need to tell Eric how you feel.
-I don't…

I don't know how.

Well, I think you should try.

Ya p*ssy!

[chuckles]

Can we do the punching pillow thing first?

Absolutely. Bring it here.

So what you have do is
just take a deep breath in.

-Mm-hmm.
-Get yourself all pumped up.

[grunting]

[breathing heavily]

[screams]

[grunts]

Ah!

[both grunting]

-Get it.
-[grunts]

[growls, grunts]

[shouts in Spanish]

[groaning]

[in English]
That's a good effort, Michaela!

Quick shower, then, uh, Quorn Bolognese.

f*cking love Quorn!

[groans]

[door slams shut]

Oh God.

[whimsical music playing]

I said, don't wear your jacket!
People might recognize you!

It's cold, and we're in the woods.
I'm sure it will be fine.

And the jeans…

[breathing heavily]

Mmm.

Thank you.

Yes.

-[Ruby moans]
-Hello!

[both moaning]

-[Otis] Let me get my leg.
-[car horn honks]

-[car horn honks]
-Shh.

[Otis grunts]

-[Otis grunts, groans]
-Okay.

[both moaning]

[Otis] Oh! Ow!

Ow, ow, ow!

-Stop.
-Careful of my hair.

Okay, this isn't working.
Can't we go to your house? Or mine?

Houses are off-limits. It's too risky.

I get that you want us to be a secret,

but it feels like you're embarrassed
to even be seen near me.

I'm a very private person, Otis.

[sighs] I think you're embarrassed.

Okay, fine. I'm embarrassed!

I am hot and popular,

and you are a badly-dressed stick man
with a creepy mustache.

You said you liked my mustache.

And I was good at sex.

You are good at sex, Otis,

but that doesn't mean
I want to be seen in public with you.

[exhales]

Well, I don't wanna be seen in public
with someone who is mean

and uses people for their good sex skills!

I have more self-respect than that.

We're done.

["Hour of Deepest Need"
by Ezra Furman playing]

[car engine starting]

And we're not done. We're over!

"Over" and "done" mean the same thing!

♪ I think it's time
You brought your face ♪

♪ Across the railroad to my place ♪

♪ I can't share this whiskey with you
Through the phone ♪

♪ And if we drink enough of it ♪

♪ You might just get me to admit ♪

♪ That I never knew
Quite how to be alone… ♪

[exhales sharply]

-[exhales sharply]
-[dog whimpers]

I know, baby.

Hi, this is Erin. Leave a message.

[beep]

Hi, Mum, it's Maeve.

Listen, I know you're not speaking to me,
but I really think we should talk.

Call me back?

I miss you.

[Isaac] Hey, Maeve.

Can I talk to you about something?

Yeah.

What's wrong?

Mum still isn't answering me.

She hates me.

You did the right thing,
and don't forget that.

What do you wanna talk about?

I wanted to talk about the…

Um…

I wanted to talk about…

breakfast.

-[chuckles]
-Raspberry or strawberry jam?

Uh, raspberry.

Well, good news, we've got neither.

Mm. Very good, very good.
I'll be out in a second.

[clears throat]

[Hope] Thanks so much
for coming in again, Jackson.

I basically
just wanted to get to know you a bit,

seeing as we'll be working
closely together.

You know, I was once head girl here.

I get the responsibility.

Yeah, it's fun.

And challenging, I hope.

[Jackson] Hm.

The thing is, I'm really wanting to inject
some proper passion back into this place.

To create an environment
where everyone can excel,

no matter what path
they choose to go down.

[knocking at door, door opens]

Hope, the press are here
for your interview.

Thank you. I'll be right there.

I wanted to share with you
the new school values.

I'm excited to hear your feedback
when you get a chance.

Hi!

Oh, and, Jackson,

I'm going to need you to take this role
a bit more seriously than you have been.

I'm not really into
the whole "cool guy" thing

if you know what I mean.

Not really.

You will.

She's nuts.

-Cal, it's PE. Are you coming?
-Yeah, I'll be right there.

-Whoa! [chuckles]
-Hey.

-Oh. Oops.
-Whoa!

I'm… Okay, I'm in your way, obviously.

It's okay.

After you, good human.

[sighs]

-Hey.
-Hey.

I don't like it when I hurt people.

-Then don't.
-Yeah.

I don't know why I do it. I just get so

angry, but…

I wanna change.

Okay.

[indistinct chattering]

You're a poofter now, Groff?

[boys laughing]

Yeah, I am a bit of a poofter now.

Is that all right with you?

Yeah, mate. I think it's cool.

Yeah, congrats, dude.

You don't need to congratulate someone
on being gay.

[laughter]

["Oh Yeah" by Yello playing]

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ The moon ♪

♪ Beautiful ♪

♪ The sun ♪

♪ Even more beautiful ♪

♪ Oh yeah… ♪

[breathing heavily]

♪ Oh yeah… ♪

[gasps]

[song ends]

[whimsical music playing]

[exhales sharply]

Okay. Width, length, flaccid, erect.

[Dex sighs]

[exhales] sh*t. It's not very big, is it?
Come on. Let's get you hard.

[Dex] Yeah!

Come on!

For the love of God! Come on!

[Dex] Come on!

[groaning]

-[door opens]
-[gasps]

-Hello. Nice to meet you.
-And you.

We were thinking, I don't know…

sh*t!

Strange.

[grunts] I guess
it's lost property for you.

[door opens, closes]

f*ck.

[both exclaim]

Dude, why are you naked?

Don't look at my d*ck!

[whimsical music continues]

[door opens, closes]

Hey, Otis. Is it true that you
and Ruby are a thing now?

No. No. Why did you say that?

Everyone's talking about it.

[panting]

[whistle blowing]

[girl shouts indistinctly]

Sex King.

[girls cheering]

[grunts]

So in the structure,
the double bond causes a kink in the tail.

Uh-huh.

So… Aimee Gibbs!

Sir, I need to take Goat out for a wee.

[Hendricks] Right, fine. Go on.

See, this is exactly why you shouldn't be
bringing livestock into school.

-My mum's looking after her tomorrow.
-Good.

Okay, this is the only goat
you should be seeing in school.

Uh, it's a goatee.

It's my new look. Hands up who likes it.

[panting]

Oh God. Oh God.

[panting]

[Dex groaning]

[panting]

Do a wee for Mummy.

-What the f--
-[Dex screaming]

[Hendricks] Fatty acids!

-Okay…
-Sir, Dex Thompson's naked!

[screaming]

["Oh Yeah" by Yello continues]

Oh my God! It's tiny!

Look away!
I don't want you to see my d*ck!

-[chanting]
-[Dex] f*ck!

[chanting] Penis!

What is happening? Tell me now!

Why are you naked?

Dex?

-[Dex] I need to borrow this.
-No, not my goat. Not my goat.

-I'll bring it back as soon as I can.
-Don't take her!

-I'll bring it back.
-Please!

-I'm sorry.
-Please!

[classroom chanting] Goat!

I would say I'm here to try
and bring back a sense of community

and family values that--

Is that a dog?

[journalist] It's a f*cking goat.
Film it, for Christ's sake!

What were you saying about family values,
Headmistress?

Would you just excuse me
just one moment? Thank you.

[song ends]

[typing]

No.

No, no, no!

No, no, no, no!

[whimsical music playing]

I think I just lost all my work.

Yeah, the computers are terrible.
Maybe get a laptop.

[door opens, closes]

-Hey. Hey, have you seen Kyle?
-No.

[goat bleating]

[Dex] I should never have listened
to the f*cking Sex King!

[sniffles, exhales]

Dex, are you okay?

I should never have listened
to the Sex King.

Who's the Sex King?

Kyle.

[Jean grunts] Okay, okay, okay.

[groaning]

-[gasps]
-[Jakob] Hey!

Are you stalking me, woman?

No! No, don't be ridiculous.

I just happened to be driving by
this place where you work.

You've driven past times!

I can see you out the window.

What's going on?

[exhales sharply]

Can we talk?

-If you stop being scary.
-[sighs]

[Jakob] Yes.

-Are you stepping out?
-Mm-hmm.

Good.

[Otis] So, Dex,

how did we get here?

I was measuring my penis.

Mm. I told him to do that.
So what're your stats, then?

I was interrupted.

And I don't wanna know.

What if I do have a small penis,
and I can never please a woman?

Maybe you can look at it for me
and tell me if it's small.

-Yeah! Sure.
-No! No! No!

No! No, nobody's inspecting anything

because penis size isn't important.

[scoffs]
Only guys with small dicks say that.

Dex, you shouldn't compare
the size of your d*ck to anyone else's.

It's irrelevant and unhelpful.

You'd also be surprised

how many guys have insecurities
about the size of their penis

and exaggerated views
as to what other male genitals look like.

It's true. I wish mine was straighter.

It sort of bends to the side a bit.

It's… it's wonky, you know?

It's not wonky.

It's unique.

[chuckles] Thanks, Milburn.

That means a lot.

Well, that's very touching.

Dex, why did you say
you'll never please a woman?

[laughs] He can't make
his girlfriend come during sex.

What kind of sex?

You know, just normal f*cking.

Okay. Well, most women struggle
to orgasm from penetration alone.

-[scoffs] Really?
-Yeah.

You heard of the clitoris?

Sure.

Might be time to get acquainted with it.
Ask your girlfriend what she likes.

And remember that orgasm
doesn't have to be the main goal of sex.

You can have fun

and be creative.

Could you clarify?

You have ten fingers and a tongue, Dex.

Use your imagination.

[Kyle] Wow.

You guys are actually really good
at giving out sex advice.

Maybe keep this on the down-low?
Could be bad for my business.

Hey. I'm going to lost property,
but thanks for the help.

Oh! And, hey, Otis,
I heard about you and Ruby.

Don't know how
you pulled that off, but congrats.

-You and Ruby are a thing.
-[splutters] Well, we're not anymore.

We were for a bit,
but it was casual, you know?

No feelings.

No feelings. Sounds cool.

Thanks for telling everyone, Kyle.

Well, I didn't tell anyone.

[chuckles] But now everyone knows
about you and Ruby,

guess I can carry on being the Sex King.

Au revoir, loser!

It means
exactly the opposite of that, Kyle!

[Jean] I didn't know
whether I was going to keep it.

I was confused, and

I kept putting it off.

Then I started writing my book.

And I enjoyed every second of that,
and I got immersed.

-How could you keep this from me?
-I wanted to tell you, I did.

I-- But the…

the longer I waited, the harder it got.

I'm having a baby?

[exhales sharply]

I don't want you to feel
backed into a corner.

I have decided to keep this baby,

and I feel empowered by that choice, and…

I only need you to be involved if you feel
it's something that you would like.

Do you want me to be involved?

Of course I do.

But only if you want to be involved.

[scoffs]

I have a scan

tonight at : .

-At Moordale Community Hospital. You--
-Thank you.

I really have to think about this.

-Of course.
-Yeah.

[Hope on video] I would say I'm here

to bring back
a sense of community and family values.

[knocking at door]

-What were you saying about family values?
-Come in.

Would you just excuse me
just one moment? Thank you.

The clinic is still running
in the old toilet block.

Maeve and I have nothing to do with it,

but it's still happening,
and it's dangerous.

Students shouldn't be getting advice
from students,

but they still need help,

so hopefully, you can provide
the right service on campus.

Thank you for telling me, Otis.

[funky music playing]

Miss Sands, I did type up my essay,
but the school computer broke.

-Can I get an extension?
-Okay. Don't let it happen again.

Oh, uh, Maeve,
have a look at applying for that.

You're the perfect candidate.

Adam, I marked your test this afternoon.
Here's your timetable.

Ah! What set are you in?

Take a guess.

Eric. Eric!
Everybody knows about me and Ruby.

Did you tell anyone?

I accidentally told Adam.

And I told Ola.

-I told Lily.
-And I told everyone.

This was supposed to stay
between me and you!

What are you doing here?

I sold my first painting,
so no beans on toast for us tonight.

We are going out for pizza!

Oh, well done.
Always knew you would, genius.

Apparently, you're secretly sleeping
with Otis Milburn. [scoffs]

Ugh! As if.

It's true.

[Maeve, Isaac laugh]

[Maeve] No, it's really not.
It's really not.

[phone ringing]

[Maeve] Mum?

Hi, how are you?

Stop calling me.

[disconnect tone]

[scoffs]

-We have a friendly relationship.
-Yeah, but not that friendly.

[moaning]

[both panting]

I didn't come,
but that was so much better!

[mouthing]

[indistinct chattering]

♪ She walked up to me
And she asked me if I wanted to dance ♪

♪ She looked kind of nice… ♪

So now everyone knows anyway,

I was thinking
we could keep seeing each other?

You know,
because I like having sex with you.

No more cars or toilets?

No, no more cars or toilets.

♪ And then she kissed me ♪

♪ She kissed me in a way
That I've never been kissed before… ♪

[crowd cheering]

♪ She kissed me in a way ♪

♪ That I want to be kissed forever more… ♪

[excavator beeping]

-Thanks for the tip, Otis.
-Did you tell her to do this?

It needed to end.

So it's really done, then.

Yeah, it really is.

[all exclaiming]

♪ I didn't know just what to do ♪

♪ So I whispered, "I love you" ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ She walked up to me
And she asked me if I wanted to dance ♪

♪ She looked kind of nice
So I thought that I must take a chance ♪

♪ And when we danced, I held her tight ♪

♪ And when I walked her home that night ♪

♪ All the stars were shining bright ♪

♪ And then she kissed me ♪

♪ I didn't know just what to do ♪

♪ And so I whispered, "I love you" ♪

♪ I love you ♪