01x04 - The Captain

[bunniefuu]

[Joe] Previously on You...

There are no recent pictures
of your dad because he's dead.

He OD'd and you were the one
that found him.

You've started a few poems about that day,
but you never finished them.

I have one just like this.

It was my dad's.

[Joe] This is the red ladle story?

It's okay, Beck.

I'm going to help you get
the life you deserve.

You fall for the wrong men.

You have questionable taste in friends,
and that Peach is the worst.

I just need to know who you really are.

Besides a broke poetry student

in a subsidized apartment
you could never afford.

What you really need
is someone to save you.

Let me help you, Beck.

Beck, is it? Blythe.

[Beck] I read one of your essays
in the Review last month,

and it was so illuminating.

That's funny. There's a book missing.

Joe was looking at it at my party.

[Joe] Tonight, I show you I'm the one.

You want it down and dirty? You got it.

[moaning]

[Beck] Did you just...

[both moaning]

[Joe sighs]

Did you just...

[Beck] What was that?

Eight seconds?

Oh, yeah. He's got that
"Tr*mp just took Pennsylvania" look.

Say something.

Say, "Happens all the time. NBD."

No, you'll sound like a slut.

You could say, "Let's order food."
Move past it.

-Is Grey Dog open late?
-[cell phone vibrates]

[Beck] Oh, thank God.

Um...

-I should...
-Yeah, yeah.

[Beck] sh*t.

Ugh, you idiot.

Why did you tell him
you were available this weekend?

Why don't you think?

Well, go.

The Captain calls, you answer.

You know how this works.

He paid for the bed you just got laid on.

Or whatever that was.

And your phone bill.

Good girl. That wasn't so hard, was it?

-[exhales]
-[cell phone vibrates]

Seriously?

Seriously?

[cell phone vibrates]

[Joe] Hey, Beck,
I'm gonna run to the store.

[Beck] sh*t. Joe. Probably thinks
you're hiding in here.

Hold on a second. I'll be right out.

[cell phone vibrates]

Oh, God, please stop.

They're just words, Beck.

Tell him what he wants to hear.

[door opens and closes]

Oh, no.

Joe?

Ugh, Beck. You're a disaster.

[exhales]

Last night, eight-second sex. Joe.

If you're gonna act like a whore,
may as well look like one.

[cell phone chimes]

[Annika] You just have a magic poon.

[Lynn] Hashtag, yoni too good.

[Beck] Thanks. That's helpful.

[Lynn] Is he big?

[Beck] "Is he big?" Oh, my God.
Why are you even asking them?

Can you, for once,
just have your own opinion, Beck?

[Lynn] Got pics?

With the bun?

[Beck] You're not helping.

[cell phone chimes]

[Annika] Is he worth it?

[Beck] "Is he worth it?"

There we go. Good question.

Is he?

[Peach] Annika wouldn't know a good d*ck
if you hit her over the head with it.

It's not like it doesn't happen
to tons of guys.

I mean, Benji used to nod off
while going down on me.

I thought we weren't talking
about Benji anymore.

We're not.

He's dead to me.
Just merely using him as a reference.

Benji didn't work retail.

Joe works in a bookstore.

A hop, skip, and a bad haircut away

from selling men's leather bracelets
at Club Monaco.

Becks, love yourself. Ghost him, already.

Sorry to interrupt, ladies,
but we are all clear.

-Are you saying I don't have bedbugs?
-[man] I didn't find a one.

Would you like to see
the bites on my ass?

-Uh...
-[Peach] Don't answer that.

They're there. Go find them.

Go find them!

Ugh. I wonder how he is
with finding rare books.

Joe did not take your Wizard of Oz.

Ozma of Oz.

And who said anything about Joe?

That's it. I'm booking a room
at the Mandarin Oriental

and you're coming with.

I would so love to, but I can't.

I, um...

I am going to a writer's retreat
in Rockland.

Since when?

[Beck] She knows when you're lying.

Since I wrote this piece in workshop
that everyone called "treacly."

[scoffs] Tell me you're not writing
another dead puppy thing

as a metaphor for your dad dying.

-I--
-What?

That's completely what it's really about.

Look, I'm just saying
stop k*lling puppies.

-Write fresh.
-[chuckles]

You know, there's so much more
inside of you.

Who are you now, Beckalish?

-Hmm?
-I thought it was a good piece.

Aw...

Sorry, boo-boo. Okay, go.

Find that brilliant badass
inside of you, and believe in her.

I know I do.

[Beck] Literally, the most supportive
she's ever been about your writing,

and you're lying to her face.

You are the worst friend.

Oh, there they are.

Wait a minute. Why do you need these
if you're going on a writer's retreat?

[chuckles] What?
So, it's look hot or be a writer?

You could just leave.
You could, you know.

Cut the cord. Take off the yoke.
Bon voyage, Captain.

You're a coward.

Britney got through , though, right?

Maybe this is what you need
to find your inner badass.

Maybe Emily Dickinson had it right.

The solitary prowess of a silent life.

What is it with motel rooms
and you wanting to dive into your panties?

He is always late.
And you're frustrated.

Plus, after last night, you're owed one.

Oh, Joe. You seriously need to call him.

[car honks]

[Beck] Has he been working out?

It's two days. You got this.

[moaning]

Did you just...

[Joe] You should be screaming
my name right now,

digging your nails into my back.

You expected me to please you,
get you off,

but you didn't scream,
and my back is not bleeding,

and you definitely did not get off.

You don't even know what to say, do you?

You must be mortified.

-[cell phone vibrates]
-[Joe] Ignore it. Ignore it, Beck.

What the hell have I done?

[cell phone vibrates]

Seriously?

[Joe] You're already telling
whoever that is.

I've reduced myself to an anecdote.

Mr. Quickdraw. The Minuteman.

Being generous.

Don't let it be Peach.

"The Captain"?

What the hell is this?

What? Obviously, you don't love him.

[Beck] Love ya!

[Joe] "Love ya."

"Love ya"?

You never said that to Benji,
and look what had to happen to him.

Beck, just when I think
we're getting somewhere...

Yeah, so, here,
you're sacrificing the hard cover,

but you're getting greater textual
accuracy than any previous edition.

It's the final word
on the Tolkien trilogy.

Thank you so much.

[Joe] My d*ck reduced
to cartoon food items.

This is my nightmare. A hot dog.

Yes, with the bun.

Tell her, Beck.

Go on, listen to your gut.

Joe's the one.

[Beck] Yes. Worth it. Okay, one more sh*t.

[Joe] Not like there was any real doubt.

[Joe] "Outfit"? Are you kidding me?

[Beck] Just got it. Hope you like.

[Joe] You do all this for him?

[Lynn] Christoph's party
in Montauk tonight. You in?

[Beck] Can't. Gotta write.

[Joe] You even lie to your friends
about this guy. What the hell?

You've been confirmed
at the Seahorse Motel.

Ethan, I need you to close tonight.

Oh, man, I'd love to,
but I gotta split soon.

Rastiche, my balalaika teacher,
is holding a master class tonight.

Wasn't a question.

I'm sorry.
I have an appointment out of town.

Beck, I should be your Captain.

[car honks]

[Joe] It can't be.

How old is he?

If only I could tell you I'm here.
You don't need to do this.

Whatever this is,
it's not too late to stop it.

-So good to see you, hon.
-Yeah. You, too, Dad.

[Joe] "Dad"?

[Ned] Place belongs to a couple
from church.

There are plenty of rooms,
and it's ours right through New Years.

Sounds like a pretty cool place.

Even has a hot tub out on the patio.

Though, if I know Nancy,
she won't let the kids near it.

[Beck] She doesn't normally want the kids
near me, either, but here we are.

[Ned] I really think
you'd love it up there, honey.

Yeah, um...

I don't know my schedule
that far out, unfortunately.

Of course, I...

I understand.

[Beck] And you wonder
why he asks for more.

Um...

But I'll totally check,
and I'll let you know as soon as possible.

What? Is it too much
for a Dickens festival?

No, no.

I mean...

It's just, some people may find it...
You know?

How is Nancy?

[Joe] Why is he your secret, Beck?

[violin playing]

"...has only one fault that I know of.

And it happens, unfortunately, that
that single blemish is a want of taste.

She don't like me."

[all laughing]

It's pretty great, huh, sweetie?

Yeah, it's amazing.

Amazing this many people are fans
of contrived plotting and melodrama,

if they even read Dickens.

More likely they couldn't pass up
an excuse to day-drink.

How's your mom?

Um... she's actually... She's on a cruise,
but she's great.

Riddled with anxiety, low self-esteem,
on antidepressants,

dating men so safe and boring
she must wanna scream, but don't worry.

You abandoning her didn't scar her at all.

[Ned] How about your brother?
How's he doing?

You know. Works a lot. Anya, too.

But they seem happy.

According to Facebook.

And how's school goin'?

It's great, actually. I'm...

I'm just working on building my portfolio.

-It's more than just that first book.
-[cell phone vibrating]

You really need the second if--

Hey, where are you guys?

[Beck] Beck, you're such an assh*le.

"Love me, Daddy.
I'm gonna be a writer, Daddy."

God, just shut up forever.

There they are.

[Beck] Oh, my God.

She's actually gotten more smug.

[Cooper] Beck, look, I have a cane.

Yes, you do. Look at you guys.

You look pretty.

[Beck] Stop hating them.
They're just kids.

None of it's their fault.

Thanks, Mia. So do you.

Guinevere, how are you?

Great. I love your dress.

Not necessarily you in it, but...

Brought you something.

I just couldn't resist.

-[Beck] No, she's not.
-Oh...

Oh, it's perfect.
Oh, um... [clears throat]

You're slipping a bit, dear.

[Beck] Touch me again, crazy-pants.
I dare you.

Thank you.

[Ned] Hey, Nancy, let's take the kids
and play a game.

[Nancy] As long as I get to...

[Joe] You really are capable
of keeping a secret.

Four, by my count.

Who the hell are you, Beck?

[Ned] Have at it.

-Hey! Yeah. You're a natural.
-[Nancy exclaims]

-[Nancy screams]
-[Ned] Two down, buddy.

-[Ned chuckles]
-[Nancy] What an arm on him.

[indistinct chatter]

[Nancy] Maybe you should
get a sh*t for the blog.

[Joe] If I wasn't so blinded by love,

I would've seen these secrets
right in front of me,

waiting to be uncovered.

Captain Beck, a.k.a. The Captain,
a.k.a. Edward Martin Beck.

The addict part was true, I see,
but he never d*ed,

which he credits to his friends
in the NA fellowship at St. James Church.

It was there he not only
conquered his demons,

but also met church rep
and divorcée Nancy Whitesell,

a.k.a. the Christian News'
"Mommy Blogger of the Year."

"If Ned can do it, so can you."

He became a feature in her blog,
then her life.

Less than a year, they were married.

He really landed himself
the perfect family,

if your stepmother's to be believed.

But what about you, Beck?

Where do you fit into all this?

[cheering and applause]

[Nancy sighs]

Your father has come such a long way.

Worked hard for it, too.

[Beck] You're barking up
the wrong tree, lady,

if you think I'm gonna sit here
and validate that man.

Yeah, he's lucky to have you.

[Nancy] It just goes to show you

what a good Christian household
and a loving family can do.

[Beck] She did not just suggest
if you were more Christian,

he wouldn't have abandoned you
for a cr*ck pipe.

[Cooper] Mommy, come watch me.

Excuse me, my dear.

Your dad talk to you yet?

[Beck] She's so her mother.
Only less subtle.

Talk to me about?

Well, he's supposed to tell you
he can't send money anymore.

But he's gonna help you
find a better job first.

Mom doesn't think he should wait.

She's so cranky.

It's the hormones.

Oh.

I wasn't supposed to tell you, but...

she's pregnant.

That's why they're fighting about it.

[Beck] Great. It's great.

He's starting a new family...

because fixing the one he had
obviously wasn't an option.

Why would he ever do that?

[gasps]

I'm going to find a bathroom.
I'll be right back.

Can I get another "Timber Doodle"?

[cell phone vibrates]

Bitch.

Hi. Is Joe Goldberg working today?

Joe Goldberg is not working today,
but I'm Ethan. And you would be...

Looking for Joe. Expect him anytime soon?

I do not, relatively speaking.
Joe's out of town.

But is there anything I can help you find?

Possibly.

I'm in the market for a first edition copy
of Ozma of Oz.

That's a pretty rare critter.

Uh, not sure we have it.

See, books of that pedigree,
we keep under a lock and key downstairs.

And you don't have the key?

Well, normally I have the key,
but I just don't have it right now.

Joe left with it.
He just forgot to give it to me.

And where is Joe?

[cell phone ringing]

I thought I was supposed to be writing.

Are you with "Eight Seconds"?

No. I told you, I'm on a retreat.

Is he with you?

[cell phone vibrating]

What is it, Ethan?

Hey, bro. I know
you didn't want to be interrupted,

but this chick was just in
asking about a first ed. Ozma of Oz.

What are you talking about?

Joe's there. In Nyack.

What did she look like?

Uh, twenty-five-ish, brunette, kinda hot,

but, you know,
maybe that's like a type thing?

[Joe] Peach Salinger.

Are you lying to me?

[Beck] 'Course you are.
That's what you do.

Lie so your life looks better.

Peach, I'm not lying.
I told you, I'm here to write. I...

I can't deal with this right now.
I promise I'll call you.

[Joe] And you told her I'm here?

[Ethan] I'm sorry, man,
did I screw up or...

[Joe] You'll know I'm here.
You may already know.

[Beck] Hey, you.

Oh, sorry. So sorry.

[Joe] How is this explainable?

Or do I run? sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

Joe?

Beck? What are you doing here?

[indistinct chatter]

[Beck] That's true.
You are a bookseller, aren't you?

Sadly, I humiliate myself
like this annually.

Well, this is kinda workin' for you.

-You mock.
-[chuckles]

It's fair.

I'm lying. I'm lying to you right now.

[chuckles] Excuse me?

I knew you were here.

I wasn't happy with how we left things,
and, apparently, neither were you,

seeing as how you were hiding out
in the bathroom.

I wasn't hiding, I swear.

We can at least agree that
I may have left you a little wanting?

Yeah.

So, you're saying you did want it
to last longer than eight seconds?

[chuckles] No! I mean, yeah, as in--

Wait, I thought it was a race.

Didn't I win?

No?

I just... I thought it'd be nice
if I came and surprised you.

And not leave you with
that memory of me for too long.

How did you, um...
How did you know I was here?

Oh, well, you posted
a nature sh*t this morning.

See that little restaurant sign
in the background?

Apparently,
Pops and Millie's ain't a chain.

-Hmm. Shocking. Really should be.
-Yeah.

So I googled it and I saw
all the information about the festival

and I figured this was probably why
you were in the area,

and by the way, this outfit
is really workin' on you, too.

[Beck] Oh.

Um...

Can you hold on for just one second?

Hey, sweetie.
Cooper's kinda hitting a wall.

We were gonna head back
and rest up before dinner.

Okay, I'll find my own ride
back to the hotel.

And who is this handsome gentleman?

[chuckles] Sorry, this is Joe.

He works at a bookstore
I go to in the city.

[Ned] Hey, Joe.

This is my wife, Nancy.
I'm Ned, Beck's dad.

-Hi.
-Very nice to meet you both.

[Nancy] You're welcome to join us
for dinner, Joe.

Yes! Totally. If you can.

I'd love to.

[Ned] We'll see you then.

Okay, uh, I can explain. Um...

[exhales]

One day when I was , I got home
from school before my brother and sister,

and my mom was at work.

So I go into the basement
to play Mario Brothers,

and I...

I find my father unconscious

with a needle in his arm.

I thought he was dead.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

I mean, he survived it.

And, which, of course,
was this amazing thing.

So, when he disappeared on us
because he relapsed, I just...

I couldn't believe it.

Right then and there,
I decided he was dead.

Which is why I told you he was,
[sighs] which is totally wrong.

I mean, who does that?

-[chuckles]
-Well--

The first deep, personal thing
I tell you is a total lie.

Well, hang on. That's--

I know, I get it if you are horrified

and think I'm a total fraud and liar
and want nothing to do with me.

After everything you've been through?

I get it. I'm sorry.

[chuckles] You're sorry?

I am.

Anyway, I was at Brown

and he tracked me down
to say he'd gotten clean.

And then he says he wants to help
with my school and some of my bills,

like dad amends.

So I bury my resentment
and start having lunches with him

and doing stupid sh*t like this,

playing the dutiful daughter,

enduring this nauseatingly perfect
new family of his.

I'm sure they're not perfect.

Believe me. They are.

Well, I guess I'll find out tonight.

[laughs] No, I am not
subjecting you to that.

I'll just... I'll tell them
you had to go back. Book emergency.

I'd be on board,
but that would be so un-Victorian of me.

The virtuous maiden
is supposed to be rescued

by the dashing, sometimes broody,
altogether charming hero.

[chuckles] And who is that?
Is that meant to be you?

[all laughing]

[Joe] That boat, she can take it.
You know it.

[Ned] No, no. I know. I know it well.

I don't know if Beck's told you,

but I captained the Nantucket ferry
for years.

I did not know that. I feel like I've been
telling Mickey Mantle how to hold a bat.

-[both chuckle]
-[Joe] Do you sail, too?

God, no. Never had the patience for it.

Oh, Dad,
you know your way around a sailboat.

Enough to know I'm all thumbs.
I've been out a couple times.

You don't remember the renters next door?

They had that Sunfish
they let you take out? The Murphys?

Their cars
were always blocking the driveway.

How's life in the big city, dear?

It's great, thanks for asking.

Oh, and we broke our centerboard
that one time,

and the current took us, like,
halfway to Long Island?

What'd I say? Not much of a sailor.

[Beck] But you do. You remember it, right?

It was pouring.

I learned every swear word
in the book that day.

-I don't think he remembers, dear.
-I think he can speak for himself, Nancy.

You know, you don't have to protect him.
He's not a child.

You're one to talk.

Excuse me?

You invest nothing in this family.
Nothing.

Not even a call to your father
on his birthday.

You know what? Stop.
You've no idea what you're talking about.

Because your father,
he's just an ATM to you, right, Beck?

Please, let's not do this.

I'm sorry, and what is he to you?

A feature for your blog,

so you can brag how you lifted him
out of the pits of despair?

Newsflash! He was sober when you met him.

I was in the pits with him.
And not because I wasn't Christian enough.

You didn't save him.

You think he'll fall over
if you pulled your hand out of his ass?

Guinevere, enough.

-What the hell are you looking at?
-[Ned] Guinevere.

-Do not talk to my daughter that way.
-Okay, whatever. I'm done.

Oh, and congrats on the baby.
How blessed you all are.

Do you want him dead?

What?

Kinda feels like you and he...

have some unresolved stuff.

Believe me, I'm the king
of unresolved family issues.

I know what people splitting feels like.

I just wonder if, uh...

Look, he's here. He's alive.

Use that as an opportunity to talk to him.

Or, you're a writer.

Could be helpful to write about him.
Cathartic, too.

What are you doing?

-Nothing. I don't know.
-Do you hear yourself right now?

I mean, who the hell are you to tell me
that I have daddy issues?

-You don't even know me.
-No, Beck, hang on.

Just go. Leave me alone. I'm serious.

[Beck sighs]

[Ned] Hey, hon.

We're gonna get going.

Cool. Um...

Thanks for dinner.

This should cover the room.

It's hard for me to see you with them.

I keep waiting for you to be you again.

-This is me, Guinevere.
-[Beck] No, it's not. You were...

Reckless and out of control.
And, honey, you were a kid. You...

-You didn't see what was going on.
-Yes.

Yes, I did.

And you were more than just an addict.

I miss you.

Whatever. [sniffles]

You know, I tell people that you're dead.

Kind of feels like you did die
that day in the basement.

I'm sorry you feel that way.

You were a good sailor.

Well, maybe you can tell me
about it sometime.

Maybe in Vermont...

over Christmas.

Like I said, I'll have to let you know.

"On the plywood over the bay window
We spray paint taunts at Hurricane Isabel

Cow her into a tropical storm

Her moon tide, though
Carries your beach chair away

Sea glass and Springsteen

The beached whale
The silent walk home

The grill that doesn't start
On the Fourth of July

The woman at the drug store you hit on
Who isn't Mom

The renters blocking the drive
The string of my sweatshirt I gnaw on

Morning sun over Wauwinet

The red ladle over the pan

Your wrist, the perfect cant

[cell phone vibrates]

[Beck] You leave for the : to Hyannis
With one commandment

Get the batter off the ladle
While it's wet

The ladle's left in the sink

Mom lets it soak
"Leave it," she says

You go away and we come home

And what's left of you, it loosens
And the water carries it away"

[cell phone vibrates]

[cell phone vibrates]

[sighs]

[knocking on door]

They say girls with daddy issues
are really good in bed.

I like who I am with you, Joe.

♪ You can see it in my eyes ♪

♪ I'm gonna lay low
Comin' out of nowhere ♪

♪ I would lay low
Take a breath and say a prayer ♪

Sorry I didn't call.
Is it okay if I come in?

♪ Comin' out of nowhere ♪

♪ I would lay low
Take a breath and say a prayer ♪

[Beck chuckles]

♪ You play your game
I take my time ♪

♪ You take your aim
Commence your crime ♪

♪ I won't back down ♪

♪ Go all the way ♪

-[Beck] Too rough for you, Goldberg?
-[Joe] Not at all.

♪ I'm gonna lay low
Comin' out of nowhere ♪

♪ I would lay low
Take a breath and say a prayer ♪

-[Joe moans]
-[Beck panting]

♪ Comin' out of nowhere ♪

I want you, Joe.

♪ Comin' out of nowhere ♪

♪ Comin' out of nowhere
Comin' out of nowhere ♪

♪ Comin' out of nowhere
Comin' out of nowhere ♪

[both moaning]

[Beck] Hey, stranger.

[chuckles]

You drool in your sleep. So cute.

Were you watching me?

Maybe.

Uh-oh. Stalker.

Learned from the best.

How did you figure out where I live?

The bearded guy from the bookstore.

You taste like maple syrup.

Wait.

I have to apologize about our talk.

I was a hostile goose.

-A hostile goose?
-Yeah, geese are total dicks.

But, uh, no, seriously,
you called me on my sh*t,

and I took it really poorly because...

Well, because you were totally right,

and I didn't want to hear it,
and I'm sorry.

Like you said, we barely know each other
and here I was, trying--

You really don't think we know each other?

I mean, I was just...
I was angry when I said that, and--

Look...

sometimes I could swear
I've known you forever,

but in the grand scheme of things,

not long enough for me to be commenting
on your relationship with your father.

You were just trying to help me see
that I'm full of sh*t. [chuckles]

And you were sweet.

It's funny,
I feel like every guy I date is...

They're either messes like my dad was,
or they're like my dad is now,

trying to be something
they think they should.

Or they're me. Both a mess and a fraud.

-You're not a fraud.
-So just a mess?

No. Not more than anyone.

But then there is you.

I mean, you're not trying to be
anything than what you are.

You're just you.
There's not an ounce of falseness in you.

I mean, you drink Café Bustelo
and you own starch

and you don't care about dumb sh*t
like posting your life online.

I mean, it's a revelation.

Do you know how many selfies
I've taken on the toilet?

A lot. [laughs]

Okay, instead of sitting here
watching you judge me,

I'm gonna go pee...

I'm not...

[Beck] ...and try not to take a selfie.

[Joe] What are the chances
I'm getting a follow-up review?

[cell phone chimes]

[Joe] Apparently, I've redeemed myself.

Far be it from me to stop you
from shouting it from the rooftops.

Plus, I guess it is nice
to hear it from your friends.

Even if not all of them
can share in your happiness.

It's really too bad.

The one whose approval you crave most
isn't my biggest fan.

Fortunately,
Paco's a remarkably quick reader.

I can return the book I, of course,
never had any intention of keeping.

And if that's not enough...

If Peach still has a problem...

Well, every relationship
has its obstacles to overcome, right?

I won't let her
get in the way of us, Beck.

I won't.