03x03 - Egg Roll

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "Good Girls."

Jesus.

Yeah.

Guess we're back in business.

I made some stupid joke
about most movers

coming straight out of prison,

and the lead guy with
the tattoo thingie,

his rap sheet reads like
a CVS receipt.

- Lemonade?
- He's gonna wash in ways

that we can't.

- I'll text you the drop point.
- 50-50, right?

- We said 10.
- I meant 50.

Dr. Cohen mentioned that you
could possibly play a role

in our healing.

Remember last winter
when we saw that Celica

slam into the pickup truck
on I-94?

- Uh-huh.
- Is that my life?

So how is this supposed
to work, anyway?

Just talk about
what's bothering you.

What if it was something
you wouldn't like

but we wouldn't have to sit next

to the bathroom ever again?

His daddy's gonna be proud, too.

I thought you said he was gone.

Yeah, and then he'll pop back up

like he always does.

- Hey, Mama.
- Daddy!

- What's up, bub?
- How you doing?

She ain't comin'.

Yeah, we both know
how this ends.

So what's up?

How you been?
Kids good?

You know, my boy says Jane's

like the superstar forward
on the team.

You think they'll make
the finals this year or what?

Oh.

I gotta show you something.

Lung.

Spleen.

Shoulder.

- Thanks, man.
- Sure thing.

To your aim.

Well, suit yourself.

Well, bottoms up.

You got a lot to celebrate.

Well, you made
a beautiful family.

Helped out your community
and whatnot.

Hell, I bet they name a wing
after you at your kids' school.

Don't do... that.

It just puts off
what's gonna come anyway.

And then you gotta wait for it,

and trust me, that's...

That's just way worse.

Check it out.

You're my girl,

and so I'ma take it easy on you.

I'll do it myself.

Let's get this over with.

What do you say?

I'm pregnant.

How was that?

- Again.
- Again?

Again.

Okay.

You awake?

- Oh, I need that.
- There you go.

Can I... sit?

Yeah, sure.

- Is it sweet enough for you?
- Huh?

I put in that low-cal
hazelnut stuff.

Um, can you take Danny
to his ortho appointment today?

I'm sorry, I gotta...

What has been going on here?

Sex?

We've done it more
in the last few weeks

- than we did in high school.
- It's good.

It's like a circus.

Like an awesome Russian
traveling kind of circus.

Like the kind with a bear
that rides the bike?

No, believe me,
I am not complaining.

I'm just trying
to wrap my head around...

I guess I just...

Feel like we're in
a better place.

Well, any time you
wanna visit more places,

I'm...

Totally, like, TripAdvisor.

Can I shower now?

Beth.

I love you.

I'll wake up the kids.

What nights are you
working this week?

Uh, all of them,
if they give me the shifts.

'Cause I'm gonna have to meet
the girls for you-know-what.

Egg roll.

- But I didn't even say...
- Egg roll.

I said you-know-what
instead of...

Egg and roll.

A safe word can't be two words.

Babe, only way this works
is if I know nothing.

So it's just egg roll, then?

If you don't wanna hear
about my job,

then I cannot hear about yours.

- Just to be clear...
- Mm-hmm?

- I was about to say...
- Egg roll.

Animals!
Slop's on!

No, that's a normal wedgie.

Okay, I'm... I'm
a bit scared to ask.

It's your job to ask, Josh.

Uh, Dr. Cohen.

Fine, what's an atomic wedgie?

Both sides front
and back same time,

- equal pressure.
- Oh, my God.

- Yeah, way worse for a girl.
- I'll take your word for it.

You know how they cut those
big blocks of cheese

- with that wire?
- Okay.

And I would, like,
get up on a coffee table

or the stairs
for max yank leverage.

Mm-hmm, nice.

So Beth controlled the remote?

Literally every
Saturday morning,

all I wanted was nine bowls
of cereal and "Muppet Babies."

Uh-huh, and what about now?

What do you mean?

How do you handle it now

when she takes the remote?

I have my own TV.

It's a metaphor, Annie.

When she tries
to be the boss of you,

what do you do?

Same, same.

You give you adult sister
an atomic wedgie?

It's a metaphor, Josh.

Okay, hear me out.

What if your behavior is just
reinforcing her behavior?

What, you mean
like it's my fault

that she's a total
control freak?

Well, instead of acting
like a child,

maybe try to consider
where she's coming from.

You learned all that online?

And we're finished.

For good?

- Today.
- Hmm.

Oh, send Sally in, will you?

She's the brace face
with the attitude problem.

Don't tell her I said that.

♪ You know it's been
a long, long road ♪

♪ Since I packed up
and left on my own ♪

♪ And I carry a heavy load

♪ Just trying to get back
to her heart ♪

♪ I sure ain't got no home

♪ I seem to find love
where I ramble ♪

♪ And when it's time to go

♪ I hear that voice again

♪ Saying find your way back

♪ Find your way back
to her heart ♪

♪ Find your way back

♪ Find your way back
to her heart ♪

♪ Find your way back

♪ Find your way back
to her heart ♪

♪ Find your way back

♪ Find your way back
to her heart ♪

♪ Find your way back
your way back ♪

♪ Find your way back

♪ Find your way back
[knocking]

Mommy, Auntie's here.

Uh, just a minute.

Does that look like
a mild sauce to you?

- Does it?
- Uh-oh.

- Mmm, wait.
- It gets worse.

- Sir, they're all red.
- I can't really...

Why don't you taste it,
then, and you tell me?

Our boy just got starched
at the Bell.

- Hard.
- Wait for it.

Oh, no!

- Where'd you get this?
- Drunk Detroit.

It's hilarious when
you don't know the person.

So did he want mild
or not want mild?

It's unclear,
but then the cops tase him

and he pulls out the Taser
cords like some kind of beast.

- You serious?
- Yeah,

and then they choke him out
and arrest him.

- For a damn chalupa?
- Mm-hmm.

Guess that's why
he never made the drop.

Who are you guys talking about?

- This dumb-ass has our money.
- Again.

I gotta pee.

Mom, Danny
won't let me play with him.

- You're too little.
- No, I'm not.

- Yes, you are.
- You're no fun!

You're supposed to let me play.

I don't wanna play with you.

Mom!

♪ Every time I look
in those eyes... ♪

- It's even better with water.
- Oh.

Sorry, I was, um... I was
just doing research.

Brand specs are in the binders.

- No, here... come here.
- Hop in, hop in.

Come on, I'll show you.
Come on.

Here.

Hand.

All right.

This is a first.

- Okay, ready?
- Close your eyes.

- We have a staff meeting.
- I know, I know, I know.

Trust me.
Close your eyes.

Okay.

What do you see?

- People staring.
- No, on the inside.

Imagine water.

What... what does that...
what does that make you feel?

- Silly.
- Okay.

You're in your backyard.

And it's night.

And there's...

a gentle breeze,
there's fireflies,

and you got your favorite drink.

- Negroni.
- Perfect.

Now what do you feel?

Mm, possibility.

Ooh, that's good.

Possibility's good.

People don't care how
things work for the most part,

so I just try to sell feelings.

That's really smart.

It's a old trick
from the dealership days.

Will you have dinner with me?

What?

You, me, wine, food,
wherever you wanna go.

To talk strategy
or some bus-dev or...

Whatever you need
to tell your wife.

Let me know.
I'm open.

Well no wonder people escape.

Look at this.

Right through
the metal detector.

- Hey!
- Huh?

But they take my
Flamin' Cheetos?

Why do you even have that?

What if I have to bust out
of a trunk?

Meanwhile I get cavity searched.

Which, by the way,
methinks she was

- a little too into it.
- She was a lot into it.

I'm gonna do all the talking,
okay?

Why?

- Because I hired him.
- She hired him.

Speaking of which,
what is the, uh,

hierarchy of our new
business venture?

What are you talking about?

- Titles.
- What?

Do we have
a marketing strategist?

Who's head of HR?
Who's, say, president?

- I don't know.
- We all share.

Do we?

Aren't we all equal?

Are we?

Thank you so much.

So good to see you.

Please, have a seat.

They said my lawyers were here.

Well, we couldn't say
we're friends.

That hurts.

So, where's our, uh, product?

- Depends.
- On what?

How quick you can
get me out of here.

Okay, hold on.

Yeah, we didn't throw down
over a gordita.

- That's on you.
- Chalupa.

Okay, well the cops can find it,

and then I'll just tell them
it's yours.

Sit... sit down.

Where is it?

- In my van.
- Where is your van?

Wherever vans go
when you get bagged.

Do not look at me!

Nuh-uh.
This is not coming my way.

Not this time.

Fine, you can keep looking.
It's not gonna happen.

Ran into Sunny today.

Mike's wife?

Yeah, she came in for acrylics.

Mm.

- What's the occasion?
- You, boo.

Cheers.

Yeah, she says, uh,
Mike misses you at the station.

She did?

He thinks about you a lot.

She said that?

Yeah, maybe you should, uh,
give him a call.

You know, catch up.

Please, I see him at softball.

He barely says a word to me.

All right.

I need a van from the impound.

What's in the van?

What's in the van, Ruby?

Egg roll?

You didn't even run
into Sunny, did you?

Egg roll.

- What's this?
- Oh, Jesus!

Are you trying to get pregnant?

It's not the worst thing.

It's a discussion, at least.

Well, let's have it.

- Okay.
- Okay.

We have a billion kids, Beth.

- We have four.
- It's completely insane.

- Why?
- Because I want it?

Because we can't afford
the ones we have.

Well, it looks like you
already made up your mind.

And what about you using me
in some sort of midlife crisis?

- Wow, really nice.
- Or whatever the hell this is.

At least I'm having sex with you

- and not someone at work.
- Oh, here we go.

Or maybe I should
just learn from the best.

That's what it is, isn't it?

What are you talking about?

The crazy, the toys,

the acrobatics, the outfits.

That's sex, Dean.

Am I just... a sperm bank?

Did you dye your hair?

You know wh... what really sucks?

For like a second there...

we felt like us again.

- I'm sorry.
- I sh...

I don't want another kid.

- Okay, there you go.
- Okay.

- You like oranges?
- Okay.

Why don't you take two?

I don't know what you know.

But I know you know enough
to hate my guts, so...

Hey, way to hustle, Hanna.

I know it sounds stupid,

but I was just trying
to make it right.

- Does it come without seeds?
- Um, try this one.

Or at least make it better
for you guys.

I thought that...
Seed!

Eat it, Hayden.

It was selfish
and creepy and messed up,

and I would take it all back
if I could and...

Janet, can you bring me
some more wipes?

Sure.

I need your help.

I'm not pregnant.

- Can we have a play date?
- Please?

- No.
- No, you have piano.

He will k*ll me
when he finds out.

Thanks for the loan.

Do we have to invite Uncle Jack?

He just gets so wasted.

Fine, but then he can't sit
by any of the nieces.

No, that's not me, Mom.
That's the court.

No, I gotta dip.
They need me in surgery.

Yeah, subdural hematoma.

I gotta scrub in stat
for the craniotomy.

Love you.
Bye.

So, how's your mom?

Crazier than ever.

So what's the deal?

She thinks you're some kind
of brain doctor?

Surgical assistant.

- Must be hard keeping that up.
- What do you mean?

Living with all those lies.

She wouldn't take my money

if she knew where
it really came from.

This way,
I can take care of her.

- Oh.
- Hmm?

All right.

I'm like her hero.

Yeah.

Give you something to celebrate
in the champagne room.

Right?

Half my time in there goes
to her blackjack problem.

Crazy.

Hey, Mi...

Yeah, yeah.
What's up, buddy?

Mm-hmm.
No, no, I just, um,

uh, really been thinking
about you, man.

Well, kinda need a favor,
actually.

- How much was bail?
- A lot.

What's a lot?

Everything we made.

For throwing down
over some hot sauce?

It's not his first rodeo.

Apparently the judge called him
a flight risk.

- This idiot's so not worth it.
- He's all we have.

- Yo, where's my rig?
- You don't see it?

Yeah...

We weren't embarrassed
at all driving it.

So we back in business?

Soon as we fire up the presses.

We're gonna need a little break.

- Why?
- Yeah, why?

It's really not a good time.

Uh, we just spent everything
we had on that little bail out.

Well, I'm getting a lot
of heat at work, okay?

- From who?
- From the owner.

- Dorothy?
- Can I go now?

We'll call you.

You're worried about

an 80-year-old with cataracts.

I mean,
if she's asking questions...

She asked me what grade
I was in,

but sure.
Bitch's bringing the heat.

Keys?

Oh, sorry.

We'll get up and running, okay?

- Yeah, today.
- Hey.

Don't go anywhere.

- You can go.
- Do not go.

You just can't help yourself.

What's your problem?

What it always is.

I am dealing with
so much right now.

I just need you to...
You're dealing.

- You need.
- Oh, my God.

Because you're the president.

I am not the president!

Oh, I'm sorry.

CEO, Admiral,
Captain my Captain.

Whatever you want me to call it.

I'm dead.

That's not a title.

He's alive.

What?

How?

He just is.

- I'm just saying...
- Don't.

Even if you gave

- a sharpsh**ter three b*ll*ts...
- Do not.

With specific instructions
not to hit any vital organs,

it would be
physically impossible.

How are you helping?

- This is how I process.
- Can I have another?

So you have
a nine month solution

to a permanent problem.

- Three months.
- Maybe four.

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna drink this

and then I'm gonna have another.

Sorry I called you a president.

You didn't know.

You should have told us.

I was afraid
he'd come after you guys.

Beth, let's go to the cops.

Then we're all in jail

and I still get shivved
in the yard.

Well...

It's actually much more common
to get shanked.

What's the difference?

A shank's got a sharp edge,
you know?

Like a scrap of metal
from the license plate shop

or the top of a can
of baked beans,

whereas a shiv is more like
when you melt down

a toothbrush or a bunch
of Jolly Rangers

to a fine point.

You know, it takes fire.

It's just... it's a lot more work.

Can we Postmates
some French fries?

We can do anything you want.

The thing is nobody should
have nine bowls

of Oops! All Berries.

I mean, really,
you shouldn't even have one.

And... and I would have watched

TV until my face melted off
if she had let me,

so I have no business
holding that remote.

This is not your session.

- Oh.
- Hi.

Can I go to the bathroom?

Yeah.

Yeah, sure.
It's just down the hall,

to the left.

Sorry.

Fiona walked in on her
parents making love last night.

- Eww.
- Right?

No, you.

Who says "making love"?

Question,
what is Oops! All Berries?

Well, it's not berries,
and it's definitely on purpose.

I would thank Cap'n Crunch,
but he's the genius

who discontinued
his own masterpiece.

So your sister was trying
to protect you?

She still is.

Is that so bad?

Who's gonna protect her?

Hmm.

You know what they call this
in the biz?

A breakthrough.

Eww.

How is that gross?

It's how you said it.

It's a good thing.

What am I supposed
to do with it?

Well, now you know
where she's coming from.

Changes the whole dynamic.

So am I, like, cured?

Mm, not till that deadbeat ex
of yours pays me.

Oh.

Hey now.

How you feeling, Mama?

Nauseous.

Let's go for a drive.

Get some air.

I should get these inside.

There's ice cream.

Get in the car, Elizabeth.

- Hey.
- You got a sec?

I was just on with corporate
telling them about my new star.

- Great.
- Um...

Are you o... you okay?

- You can't quit.
- Yeah, it's just, uh...

Dinner.

- What'd you decide?
- I really want to.

- Great.
- But I can't.

- I mean, I... I could.
- Which is it, Dean?

Well, back at the dealership,
I had lots of dinners.

Couple times a week, even.
All different kinds of cuisine.

'Cause I was a foodie.

I mean, there was no dinner
that I didn't like,

and now I'm really,
really trying

to eat more at home.

I just think it's healthier,
you know?

For my marriage.

- I get it.
- You do?

Totally.

I mean, it's not
that I'm not hungry.

We're good.

I love working here.

We really love having you, Dean.

Well...

Thank you for understanding.

Oh, uh, that contractor
you connected me with,

I got him on the hook
for eight aqua jets

for his condo development.

You know what?

Why don't you have Tony
close that one?

But I've already done
the heavy lifting.

I'm gonna need you
in barbecue accessories.

- Putting me on tongs?
- Is that a problem?

No.

I'll just go fill Tony in.

Your first?

No, no.

When are you due?

You know,
that's a good question.

Honey?

I guess that's why we're here,
then, huh?

How crazy to think there's
a tiny human in there.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it almost doesn't
feel real.

I'm gonna use the bathroom.

No, chill, chill, chill,
chill, chill.

They're gonna need it.

When was the positive test?

A couple of weeks ago.

Date of your last period?

I d... I don't know.

Any idea when you conceived?

- Come on, darling.
- You remember?

I hit it in the bedroom
when your husband was at work.

I put it on the form.

- Oh, there it is.
- Okay.

Well, it's, uh, probably too
soon to see a heartbeat,

so for today we'll just take
some blood to confirm.

- How long does that take?
- About a day or two.

Thank you so much.

In the meantime,

watch the alcohol, no sushi,

- no deli meat just to be safe.
- Got it.

Okay, see you in a few weeks.

- Hey, Doc.
- Yes?

It couldn't hurt to try, right?

Well, it depends
on how far along.

Let's fire it up.

I mean, what's the point if
we can't see anything, right?

- Lay back.
- Come on.

Got a super excited daddy here.

That's right.

Okay.

Just relax.

You all right?
How's Marcus doing?

Oh, bad as ever.

Yeah, he keeps me on my toes,
though.

- Huh.
- What's that?

Congratulations.

Strong implantation.
Healthy sac.

- Lining's nice and thick.
- I don't see anything.

Well, you go to eight years
of med school,

then take a look.

Anything else?

Paternity test.

Oh, you can do that
in about a month.

Thank you so much.

Thank your friend.

Everything okay?

- Big day.
- Yeah?

- What happened?
- With what?

- You know, egg roll.
- Oh.

Can we switch to calamari
or something?

I'm sick of thinking about...
There you go.

- No more safe words.
- Yay.

So apparently your son

dropped the F-b*mb
at school today.

- What?
- Mm-hmm.

And Ms. Rodner also said
that he was going around

the playground asking other kids

if they would like
to see his coccyx.

You know, that mickey fickey
told me my epidermis

was showing last week.

He said that?

Yeah, I spent an hour
in the mirror

checking for my underwear.

Boy, I tell you,
even if it ain't dirty,

that boy'll make it dirty.

Hey, will you stop?

Rodner also said that
we should make a swear jar.

You know, have him put, like,
a quarter or something in there

and do something good
with the money.

Oh, we can open a church
with that potty mouth.

How much you got on you?

- Like, 40 bucks.
- Okay.

Put half in there.

- I didn't say coccyx.
- For the van.

- Right now?
- Yes,

or for any other time

that you're gonna have
to say egg roll.

We're not bad people, Stan.

No, baby, we're good people
who do bad things.

- How long have you been at it?
- Two hours.

Liar.

Three.

Fine, four.

Dude, you're done.

I have a social studies test.

You always do this.

You study way too much

and then you burn yourself out

- and you choke.
- Harsh.

- Come on.
- Take a break.

Come on.
Let's go.

Okay.

What's mexyldreselthate?

Brain food.

Okay, here you go.

Eh?
Take a bite.

Mmm.

- It's stale.
- Mmm.

Needs some more milk.

It'll soften it up a little.

Mm-hmm, so what you wanna do
is you just keep replenishing

until the milk's gone, okay?

And then the sugar rush
keeps you jacked up enough

to get through the six-hour
cartoon marathon.

How did you survive childhood?

Auntie Beth.

Mmm.

My tongue tastes...

Blue?

Just go with it.

I really have to study.

Someday you'll thank me.

Hello, there!

- Okay, one, two, three.
- Lift off!

Push me to the moon!

Mommy'll be right back.

- Oh, come on, baby.
- Let's go.

- Come on.
- Hey, hey, hold up!

My shoe!

Hey, will you just... hang on!

What?

I just wanna know why.

You're a mom.

But he's not dumb.

Let's go.

Hey, where are the kids?

Upstairs.

What's going on?

I tried telling him to leave.

- What?
- Who?

Says his boss needs him
to keep an eye on you.

Who's his boss, Beth?

There's something
I have to tell you.

♪ I'd like so much to

♪ Oh I'll never look
at you again ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm really
not that vain ♪

♪ Seven years bad luck
ain't that long ♪

♪ Before I smash you,
hear my song ♪