02x03 - Fire and Ice

[bunniefuu]

Kids from my dojo
told me to get an Apple.

You sold me a lemon.

The piece of sh*t
won't even turn on.

First of all, it's a Dell,

and it's not broken.

Have you tried pressing
the power button?

Yeah, of course.
I'm not an idiot.

Have you seriously
never owned
a computer before?

Yeah. I'm not a nerd.

All right.

Let's see what you got.

Move, stupid arrow.

Bullshit.

Where the hell
is the Internet?

Oh, sh*t.

Yeah, assh*le,
I clicked all the buttons.

I still can't find
the Internet.

Have you tried
connecting to the Wi-Fi?

Obviously.

What's "Wi-Fi"?

Dude, this is a pawn shop,
not the Geek Squad.

Figure it out.

What?

Truth?

I knew it

You're next.

That gets a thumbs-up.

You've gotta block that!

Ugh. Stupid ads.

Inner peace, focus, balance.

These are just
some of the skills
that you will master

when you join Miyagi-Do Karate.

I'm Daniel LaRusso,

and before I was the number-one
auto dealer in the Valley...

What the hell?

...I was two-time All Valley
under-18 champion.

Now, you can learn the secrets
of Okinawan karate,

true karate, by joining
the Miyagi-Do team.

Son of a bitch.

Don't be a snake in the
grass, be a champion.

Tweet us at #TeamMiyagiDo.

And all lessons are free.
That's right, free.

Because at Miyagi-Do,
it's not about the money.

It's about the karate.

Um...

Mulligan, send it back.

There's no mulligans
in volleyball.

Says you.

Water break.

"Cobra Kai"?

You guys won that
karate tournament, right?

The All Valley...
The Rumble in Reseda?

Yes, uh,

we, uh...
We certainly did.

Cool.

We're gonna go for a swim,
but maybe play with you later?

Most def.

Uh, that means
"most definitely."

Look at you, player.

It'd be nice if you actually
earned the Cobra Kai cred
you're so happy to take.

When are you ever
gonna sign up?

I don't know.

I'm kind of enjoying
the gain without the pain.

Hawk.

Hey, there's the man.

What's up?

No. No more of this.

Look,
it's a beautiful day out,

the beach is packed
with babes.

No more sulking about Sam.

I'm not sulking about Sam.
It's about Sensei.

Is this about his rap sheet?
My parents read it online.

I think it makes him
more badass.

It's about him
and Robby Keene.

And let's lean more
into the Fourth of July.

More red, white and blue,
more fireworks.

Valley Fest is gonna be
even bigger this year,

so we really want
to stand out, okay?

Mmm-hmm.

I brought lunch for
my favorite CEO.

Come on, you can't
stay mad forever.

And why would I be mad?

Just because my husband spent
half our Q3 marketing budget

on a commercial
for his karate gym?

Uh... You know
it's called a dojo.

Look, the dealership
is gonna get all

the publicity it needs
from Valley Fest.

For Miyagi-Do, this commercial
could be a real game-changer.

Is this a midlife crisis?

Is that what this is?

Is it like the time
that Jessica Bluestein's
husband started that ska band

and then shacked up
with a Pilates instructor
half his age?

Look.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry
I made the commercial

without discussing it
with you.

I promise I won't ever
do that again.

Thank you.

I just need to amp things up
now that John Kreese is back.

You know, Johnny Lawrence
is one thing,

but Kreese?
That guy's dangerous.

Oh, yeah, real dangerous.
A geriatric karate coach.

Amanda, this is a man who
literally faked his own death.

Twice, apparently.

I know it sounds nuts,

but that's the kind of
psychopath we're dealing
with here.

Okay, I never thought
I'd say this, Daniel,

but I kind of miss
the simple days
of dicks on billboards.

Hey, Sensei? Huh?

Saw the commercial.

Almost makes me want
to get my karate on.

Oh, and for the record, I do
not think that you're guilty
of cultural appropriation.

Cultural what?
What are you even
talking about?

You can suck up
all you want, Anoush,

but you are not
going back to Encino.

We need you here
in North Hollywood.

I'm not
a North Hollywood guy.

My skin is way
too sensitive for tattoos.

"Asian whitewashing"?

They're calling me
"Daniel LaRacist" on here.

"Stereotypical music."
That was Mr. Miyagi's
favorite song.

Look, don't worry
about that, okay?

Some people have nothing
better to do than to post
negative comments.

The important thing is,
you got a lot of likes.

Sure, some of those
are probably bots,

but you'll definitely get
a bunch of students.

So, I did a deep-dive online,
and you were right.

Sensei is definitely
Keene's father.

I just don't understand
why he wouldn't tell us.

I don't know.

But it explains why
he's giving us sh*t for kicking
Keene's ass at the tournament.

Show no mercy,
unless it's his son.

Then we gotta be pussies.

You guys, have you seen
the commercial?

Sam's dad started
his own dojo
and he disses Cobra Kai.

Because at Miyagi-Do,
it's not about the money.

It's about the karate.

"Free karate."
How am I supposed
to compete with that?

"Snake in the grass."
He's talking about us.

"Miyagi-Do."

I should've taken care
of that old bastard
when I had the chance.

Wait, why are we
paying for karate

if this other guy's
giving it away for free?

This is an act of w*r.

It demands
an immediate response.

I know what it needs.

And I know exactly
what I'm gonna do.

Remember,
keep moving in a circle.

You know, I did make it
to the All Valley finals.

That's just 'cause
you didn't have to
get through me.

Listen, I wanna thank you.

For what?

Last week,
I had no hot water.

This week, I have
a Jacuzzi in my backyard.

Well, I wouldn't get
too excited. We did find
a dead possum in there.

Seriously.

Thank you.

It's been a little
rough lately,

and it's nice to have
people look out for you.

That's what friends do.

Not all friends.

All right, guys.
Enough chitchat.
Let's see where you're at.

Good afternoon.

Hey, uh, we're looking
for a Miyagi-Do?

You're in the right place.

The commercial said
lessons are free?

They sure are.

You guys ready to get started?

Yeah.

Great.

Have a couple cans
of paint out front.

The fence back here
could use a fresh coat.

Robby'll show ya.

You want us
to paint your fence?

Keep an open mind, guys.
It'll all make sense later.

In order to fully learn
Miyagi-Do Karate,

you have to unlearn
your misconceptions about
what constitutes training.

I knew this was bullshit.

This was all just some scam
to get kids to do
your yard work, huh?

No, no, no, this is
part of the process.

Yeah.
"The process."

My mom was right.

With car salesmen, you always
gotta read the fine print.

I'm not trying to
sell you anything. I'm trying
to teach you karate.

Come on.
Let's go check out that
place with the snake.

There's a lot of talk
going around the Valley
about free karate.

But everyone knows
that in life,
you get what you pay for.

You wanna really kick
the competition?

Then you need to get
your ass over to Cobra Kai.

Screw that lame
meditation bullshit.

What you need is
bone-crunching, face-smashing,
good ol' American karate.

Enough about self-defense.

Learn self-offense!

Don't be a p*ssy.

Join Cobra Kai,

and let me teach you
the way of the fist.

And cut.

All right, did we get it?

I think so.

All right, great.

Just make sure
the Cobra Kai snake comes in
at the end, all right?

I want it to really pop.

Make it chrome.

And throw Thunderstruck
under it.

I'm pretty sure
the rights for that song
will cost too much.

No, I already own it.
Cassette's in the car.

Oh. And put one of those
hash browns at the end.

You know, like, "Hash brown,
Team Cobra Kai" or something.

And then send it
to the Internet!

Hey, tell that fat piece
of crap Zakarian

to get the rest of
this sh*t out of here.

I got a lot of
new students coming in.

This isn't a storage
locker anymore.

Sensei, can we talk
to you about something?

Look, if it's about
the infomercial, I know.

It's not about
the commercial.

It's about Robby Keene.

What about him?

I saw his picture
on your refrigerator.

I wasn't snooping,

but we know
he's your son.

That's why you got mad at us
after the tournament, right?

Is that what you think?

Um...

Yeah, Robby's my son,

but that has nothing to do
with how I run my dojo.

It's also none of your damn
business, do you understand?

Yes, Sensei.

But, Sensei, I...

"But" nothing.

Get out.

You two clean mats
for the rest of the week.

Something else, Mr. Diaz?

No.

Okay. Okay.

All right, all right.
All right, that's great now.

Stay right there.

Oh, hey, Sensei,
how's it going?

It's been better.

These kids have no patience.

They see a paintbrush and
sandpaper and they take off.

I just wish they could see
the forest for the trees,
you know what I mean?

Check. Check, one. Check.

Maybe you can give 'em
a demonstration, you know?

Give them
the old razzle-dazzle.

That's...

That's not a bad idea.

No, Daniel, I was kidding.

No, no, no.

Think about it.
Valley Fest is huge.

You know how much business
this event always drives
to the dealership.

If I could just get
those eyeballs on the dojo...

You could siphon business
from our dealership?

No, no, not siphon.

Synergize.

Synergize,
a karate demonstration.

Right here,
the students and Sensei
of Miyagi-Do Karate

as brought to you
by LaRusso Auto Group.

It's a home run.

Well, I know the customers
would love to see you
in that gi.

Just the customers, huh?

The donut shop's
throwing away fritters,

but you keep your paws
off my bounty.

Can you just be homeless
somewhere else?

You taking me home, baby?

Yeah, you wish.

Wow!

I gotta tell you,

it doesn't look good.

LaRusso training your son
like his own.

Thanks for your concern.

Not sure how you
put up with that.

You should be
training that boy.

Hey, it's never gonna
happen, all right?

Hey, never say "never," okay?

I never thought I'd see
Cobra Kai again in my life.

It took my best student
to remind me that
anything is possible.

I guess it's good
you still got that Mexican.

Miguel's from Ecuador.

Six of one.

Better hope that LaRusso
doesn't sink his mitts
into him.

Hey, Sensei. What's going on?

Let's go for a ride.

Good, huh?

Yeah.

Secret's the chopped onions.

Sal keeps it simple.

None of that veggie crap.

Just a hot grill
and some quality chuck.

You see that building
over there?

The hospital?

That's where Robby was born.

February 4th, 2002.

It was a Monday.

His mom was in labor
for 17 hours.

It must've been crazy.

Yeah, I'm sure it was.

I wasn't there.

And...

My mom had just d*ed.

I was a real mess.

I never knew my father,
so she was all I had.

Next thing I know,
I'm gonna be a dad.

Scared the sh*t out of me.

So, instead of being up there
welcoming him into the world,

I was down here,
soaking up the booze
from a three-day bender,

trying to get the courage
to walk across the street.

I never got there.

I failed my kid

on his very first day
in this world,

and I've been failing him
every day since.

Sensei, this is personal stuff.
You don't have to tell me.

No, I...

I should've told you
a long time ago.

It's one of the most
painful things in my life.

But one of the best things

has been teaching you,

and I want you to know,
no matter what happens,
I promise...

I'll always be on your side,

and I'll always have
your best interests at heart.

Thank you.

Yeah, all right.

Sorry.

What is it?

It's from Aisha.

She heard that Miyagi-Do
is doing some sort of
demo at Valley Fest.

Oh, they are, huh?

Actually, can you not...
Can you leave it in
a little bit longer? Thank you.

You know,
I've been forecasting
all week

that it's gonna be
a real scorcher.

But I promise...

Hey, guys.
Thanks for doing this.

How you feeling?

It's a little short notice,
but I think we got it.

Good, good.

I was thinking,
for the finale, I could
do some kind of flip kick.

Nah, don't worry
about the finale.
I got it covered.

What's that for?

That?

You'll see.

All right,
all right, all right!

Coming up next,
do I have a treat for you.

Please direct your attention
to the LaRusso Auto Group

for a presentation
from Miyagi-Do Karate.

All right!

Is there gonna
be any fighting?

I think so.

That's called a bo.

That's what Donatello
used to use when he...

He was my favorite
Turtle, so...

And now, time
for the grand finale.

Cobra Kai!

Cobra Kai!
Cobra Kai! Cobra Kai!

What the hell
is going on here?

More sparks.

Cobras, show them
what real karate looks like!

Yes!

Noice!

Right here.

Cobras, light it up!

Cobra Kai! Cobra Kai!

Cobra Kai! Cobra Kai!
Cobra Kai!

You did it, Sensei.

No, we did it.

I thought my last group
of recruits was pathetic.

Which one of you has the balls
to take on the champ?

I'll take him on.

Game on.

Look,
I've tried everything
to promote Miyagi-Do.

If this doesn't work,
nothing will.

Cobra Kai's more popular.

All right? We need to
show them we can fight, too.

It was
aggravated as*ault, Eli.

Snitches get stitches.

The key is making
your enemy think
you are retreating.

That's when you strike
the hardest.