02x14 - Stools Rush in Adventure

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Look up there ♪
- ♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

- ♪ Like a rock ♪
- ♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

[cheering]

[inhales, exhales]

Can you feel that, Alanis?

♪ That certain something
in the air? ♪

It's audition week for
the Lone Moose School musical.

The one time of year
that people come together

and break into song
for no justifiable reason.

That actually happened a lot

when I did
the Mammary Jamboree in ' .

Whenever we'd have a great meal,

Sarah McLachlan would point
to her plate and sing:

♪ I will remember you. ♪

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm,
interesting, but,

to get back to the topic
at hand, which is moi,

my beloved teacher,
Mrs. Frio, always writes

the musical, and I
don't want to brag but...

- You absolutely want to brag.
- I always get the lead.

This year, Mrs. Frio
has written a real doozy.

The Ideal Hurricane: The Musical
based on The Perfect Storm,

the movie starring George
Clooney and Mark Wahlberg,

which is based on the book
of the same name

based on the real-life
story of the shipwreck

of the Andrea Gail off
the Massachusetts coast.

Rolls right off the tongue.

And speaking of rolling
off the tongue,

I'm hoping there's
a certain someone

who will be cast
opposite me as the lead.

Wait, you're not talking
about Steven Huang are you?

Yes. Steven and I have
such a rich "kiss-tory."

I mean, we tried to kiss,
then we really kissed,

and then it just
fizzled out, I guess.

But, Judy, Steven is dating
that girl Chrissy now,

- who plays volleyball, right?
- Yes, and I would never break them up,

but if Steven and I were cast
as the leads in the play,

and the romance of the theater
just happens to overtake us,

well, then, you know, so be it.
[laughs]

Okay. I got to go do my vocal warm-ups.

Ask me about Alaska's
fattest cats in baskets.

RUSSELL:
And I put the fire out,

but my mom and Jamie
had to come home early

from their wine and paint night.

I know I shouldn't
wrap hot dogs in tin foil

before I put them
in the microwave,

- but they just taste better that way.
- Wait, you get to stay

home alone
when your mom goes out?

Has your dad never left you
home alone, Moon?

No, but there are a lot
of people in my family.

They're never all gone
at the same time.

I stay home alone once a week.

I get to watch something
rated TV- .

I'm really into Chicago's Finest.

Oh, hey, Steven. [chuckles]

Are you, uh, here to audition
for the, uh, musical? [laughs]

Uh, yeah. How about you?

I'm hoping I get the female
lead, the role of Diana Lane.

I assume you're auditioning
for the male lead,

- Martin Whalburg?
- Yeah.

Are you coming in? 'Cause we
could, um, sit together or-or...

Oh, actually, I'm waiting
for Chrissy, my girlfriend.

She's auditioning, too.

Oh, wonderful! Right, of course.

That's great, in fact.
And a congratulations.

And a best wishes
to you both. [grunts]

GIBBONS: Welcome, students,
to this year's auditions

for the spring musical,
The Ideal Hurricane.

Unfortunately,
Mrs. Frio is no longer able

to direct the musical she wrote.

She found out last night
that she was placed

in a very high-profile jury.

I can't say anything specific,

but next year's musical may
be about the multiple homicide

in the Wondering Whale
Apartments in Ketchikan.

Luckily, Ms. McNamara has
graciously offered to step in.

The guidance counselor?

Ugh. I had to see her
when I started here.

She told me to get out
of my comfort zone,

so, instead of answering,
I just did a very loud fart

and then left, and I've
never heard from her again.

Hello, students.
You're probably wondering,

"Hey, what is the
guidance counselor doing

directing a musical?" [laughs]

Although I have no experience
directing theater,

I do have experience
helping students shine.

And remember, you can't spell
"guidance" without "dance."

- Oof.
- All right, let's go ahead

and get the tryouts started.

In the words of
Steven Spielberg, "Action."

♪ Watch out fish
'cause here we come ♪

♪ We got our nets,
our bait, our chum ♪

♪ We work the high seas,
it's scary and rough ♪

♪ We catch lots of fish ♪

♪ 'Cause we're wicked tough ♪

[groans]

I just want to be
one of the guys who dies.

♪ This ain't sailing
the tropics ♪

♪ But catching those fish ♪

♪ Puts money in our pockets ♪

♪ We're... We're wicked ♪

Sorry, I don't think I can sing
in front of people.

Do you want to meet me in the green
room, and audition just for me?

Oh, I didn't know that was
allowed, but okay. [scoffs]

♪ Don't be fooled by our
Dunkin' Donuts cold brew ♪

♪ When it's dark in the night ♪

♪ We've got warm arms
to hold you ♪

Ugh. I'm not auditioning.

I'm declaring myself
to be the stage manager

because backstage
is where the real drama is.

Yes, you told me
before the auditions,

and I said it was fine. You
didn't need to come out here.

Oh, didn't I?

Hello, I am myself,
Judy Tobin. [chuckles]

Hit it, Mr. Jeffrey.

♪ The undertow might take you ♪

♪ You can let it bring you down,
or you can ♪

♪ Remember my laughter ♪

Remember? It's like this...
Ha-ha-ha-ha.

♪ And sail on
back to town, my love ♪

- ♪ Tonight! ♪
- Okay, thank you, Judy.

But I memorized
one of the monologues.

[Boston accent] I'm goin' down
to the yard, Martin.

I'm late for a card game.

I'm supposed
to bring the "chowdah."

All right, okay, yes, yes.
We get it.

[chuckles] Judy Tobin.

BEEF: How were the
auditions today, Judy?

I nailed it. [chuckles]

I mean, I really dropped in
during my monologue.

It was like I was actually
bringing chowder

to a card game
on the docks, you know?

I am looking forward
to helping out

with the sets again this year.

I loved building the giant ants
for Honey I Shrunk the Cast,

but to get to build
an actual boat? [giggles]

It's gonna be like
it's my birthday all month.

And I'm excited because
our videography company,

Pause For Applause, is finally
doing a concert film.

And when we're done,
we'll be selling those DVDs

to proud parents for $ . .

Sign me up for two, one to watch
and one to be buried with.

Principal Gibbons said I can do
a hurri-cakes concession stand.

And Moon and I will be in
the audience front and center.

[clears throat] Actually,
Father, it has come

to my attention that I'm
the only one of my friends

who has not been allowed
to stay home alone.

Perhaps opening night
of the musical

would be an ideal time
for me to test the waters.

I'll need to see a full
presentation of your plans.

Of course. And don't worry,
while I'll be missing opening night,

I'll be front and center
at the Saturday matinee.

Hooray, hooray,
for a "sat-inay."

All right, thank you all
for auditioning.

When I call your name,
step forward.

What happened to just posting
a list on the bulletin board?

I really perfected
my surprised but humble face.

First up, Steven Huang.

You will be our Martin Whalburg.

- Oh, wow, thanks.
- Great choice.

Crispin will be
our Captain Clooney.

And... as our female lead,
Diana Lane...

- Chrissy Carr.
- [gasps] What?

Step forward. Congratulations,

you will be playing
the female lead, Diana Lane.

What?

[echoing]
Gill Beavers, Stool One.

Fred Lombard, understudying.

And finally, Judy Tobin.

You will have a very important
role as Chrissy's understudy.

Understudy?

Oh, and a stool.

- A stool?
- GILL: Oh, wow!

Judy, we're both playing stools.
Be stool, my heart.

Ooh, look at that, right on time.

Nailed it, Dad.

I will pick you two up
after school.

And, Judy, I will circle back
to get you post-rehearsal.

Yeah, okay.

You thinking about going
to school, Judy?

It's just...
we start rehearsals today,

and I don't even have a line.
I'm playing a stool.

Huh, well, stools are an
important part of sitting culture.

Yes, I know, but I'm used to
being the lead, Dad.

Ms. McNamara looked
right past me. I don't get it.

Well, we have a saying
in the fishing business,

"There are no small fish,
only small catchers."

So, you got a tiny fish this time.

There's probably still some
good nutrition on its bones,

and if you wait around
for a bigger one,

you might starve to death.

You know, you're right, Dad.
If I have to be a stool,

I'm gonna be the stool
that stands out,

or sits out.
I'm just gonna... stool it.

Well, that's a great "atti-Jude."

I know you're gonna be the most
solid stool on that stage.

[Boston accent]
I always find the fish, always.

Even when it's hard.

[Boston accent]
You never steer us wrong, Cap.

I've just got a bad feeling
about this.

QUAY: [Boston accent]
Martin, tell your girl to chill out.

The Barbara Gail
has never let us down.

- And... cut.
- JUDY: Oh, Ms. McNamara?

- Yes, Judy?
- You say "cut" for film.

- In the theater, we say "hold."
- Oh. Okay, great.

Why don't you hold
any more comments

until we wrap rehearsal.

Now, you'll all come
downstage left and...

Um, Ms. McNamara,
I'm just not ready to sing

in front of everyone yet.

That's okay, Chrissy. We're
not gonna do your number today.

Let's run through the bar scene.

Stools, get on all fours.

Uh, Ms. McNamara, I invented
a backstory for my stool.

I was carved from an oak

who lived in a shaded grove
for years.

- And the...
- Okay, okay, okay, Judy.

Chrissy, you'll move over here
and sit on Judy.

- [groans]
- And, Steven, you'll sit on Gill.

And now, Steven,
grab Chrissy's hand

and look deep
into each other's eyes.

- [groans]
- Stools, smiles, please!

♪ ♪

MS. McNAMARA: And cut.

In just one week,
a storm is a-coming, people.

A storm called opening night.
[chuckles, snorts]

And I'm stool here.

MOON:
Thank you all for gathering

to hear my plans
to stay home alone.

This presentation has taken me
three weeks to prepare,

and I know by the end of it,

you'll agree that I am perfectly
capable of staying home alone.

Herein, you will find drawings
of every potential intruder

and my plan to combat them.

Let us begin with the scuba divers
fresh off the submarine

that are trying to steal our chimney.

- I'm listening...
- But wait, there's more,

one of them is Edward Snowden.

♪ The Barbara Gail
is our true devotion ♪

♪ It's not the size of the boat ♪

♪ No, sir, nope,
but what she does ♪

♪ In the ocean,
we make our home ♪

♪ In Gloucester, Mass ♪

♪ All hail, Barbara Gail ♪

- ♪ Let's raise a glass! ♪
- MS. McNAMARA: And... cut.

- Uh, excuse me.
- Yes, Mr. Tobin?

Just know that a winch
would never be this close

to the helm of a boat.

We had to move it a bit
so Steven could swing.

Understood. I just
wouldn't want to give kids

the wrong idea about winches.

Young people are going through
enough as it is.

Also... [clears throat]

You'd never use a pivoting-fluke

anchor in seas that deep.
It could be dangerous.

[gasps] The way you said that
gives me an idea.

After Steven says,
"Drop the pivoting fluke anchor,"

what if you said,
"Could be dangerous."

Wait, what? No.
Like, as a line in the play?

Is she really giving my dad a line?

He's not even a student.
Great. Great.

Great, great, great,
great, great, great, great.

Beef, I know it's
out of your comfort zone,

but it'd be a real treat

to have an actual fisherperson
in the show.

Why don't you head back
with John and find a costume.

Perfect, now my dad
has more lines than me.

This situation could not
possibly get worse!

All right, Chrissy, now I know

you haven't been
comfortable singing,

but we really need to get
this duet up on its feet.

Remember, no one is judging.

Right, team? Mr. Jeffrey.

[playing piano]

♪ I love you almost as much ♪

♪ As Fenway Park ♪

♪ You're my Funky Bunch,
I'm your Marky Mark ♪

♪ Wait for me,
I'll be back with the crew ♪

♪ We already lost Tom Brady ♪

♪ I ain't gonna lose you ♪

[off-key]
♪ I'll miss everything ♪

♪ About you... ♪

Is she summoning the dead?

I swear I just felt a ghost
pass through me.

♪ Tonight, I wave... ♪

- I'm sorry, I-I just can't. I can't.
- Uh, everyone,

um, just practice the
opening number with Mr. Jeffrey

while I talk to Chrissy. Judy,

- can you come with me?
- Oh, my God, it's happening.

- Hi. Sorry. I just don't...
- Chrissy, no need to apologize.

I think I have a solution,
and it involves Judy.

Yes, as Chrissy's understudy,
I've been doing my vocal exercises

and drinking throat-coat tea

because this is
my musical instrument,

and I keep her at the ready.

So, if Chrissy feels she cannot

- do the part, of course I can.
- Judy. Judy! What I was

going to say is, Judy, let's have
you sing all of Chrissy's songs

from the orchestra pit while
Chrissy lip-syncs them onstage.

- BOTH: What?
- Chrissy's doing fine with her lines,

and now the songs
will be great, too.

- But...
-Uh, Ms. McNamara, how

do you like this for Mr. Tobin?

I could take the parrot
off his shoulder,

but I love the way it contrasts

with his inherent
personal dignity,

so you'll remove it
over my dead body.

Understood. Beef and Chrissy,
you head to the stage.

Judy, you go on down to the pit.
And you might want

to wear a hat, people tend
to throw gum down there.

Judy? Judy?
You've been out here

for minutes
and haven't said a word.

- Have I?
- Do you want to talk about it?

No. I don't want to talk about it.

I want to...

I want to...
♪ Sing about it ♪

♪ Oh, Alanis, here's the thing ♪

♪ You know I love
doing the musical ♪

♪ Because I get to sing ♪

♪ I thought I'd be the lead,
and I truly believed ♪

♪ That I'd get back together
with my ex-boyfriend Steve ♪

Was he ever really
your boyfriend, though?

No, but it fit the meter
of the line, Alanis.

Okay, I've been there.
That's why I sang,

"Would she go you-know-what
on you in a theater,"

when it was actually
a Ross Dress for Less.

Okay, thank you, Alanis.

♪ Talk about cruel,
I was cast as a stool ♪

♪ And that's when I saw
the clouds gathering ♪

♪ The clouds
of my own perfect storm ♪

No, wait,
my own ideal hurricane.

No, wait,
my own exemplary typhoon.

♪ Oh, it's an exemplary typhoon ♪

- ♪ Why did I go out? ♪
- ♪ Why did I row out? ♪

♪ In the exemplary typhoon ♪

♪ I went through weeks
and weeks and weeks ♪

♪ Of Chrissy's butt cheeks
on my back ♪

♪ And then your dad got a line ♪

♪ And you thought that
you were really gonna cr*ck ♪

But then, for a moment,
the sea calmed.

I heard Chrissy's voice. Ew.

- And I thought I'd finally get the part.
- And maybe Steven's heart.

♪ But, no, she'll be up there
on the stage ♪

♪ And I'll be singing
in the dark ♪

♪ Oh, it's an exemplary typhoon ♪

♪ The show must go on,
so I must row on ♪

♪ In the exemplary ♪

♪ Typhoon. ♪

Well, I guess tomorrow night

I'm just gonna
have to let myself drown

in wave after wave of humiliation.

Couldn't you steer
the boat towards Chrissy?

- In the spirit of friend...
- [laughs] Towards Chrissy, yes!

And then in front of Chrissy.

Uh, wait, what'd you say, Jude?

Great idea, Alanis.
I'm gonna come up from the pit

and sing Chrissy's part
standing in front of her,

so everyone knows it's me and
get Steven back. Thanks, Alanis.

No, no, no, no, no, nope,
not what I meant.

Uh-oh, there she goes.

I sure hope my meringue
waves don't collapse

in the van
on the way to the theater.

We're gonna need to drive slowly.

Wonderful, that will
give me ample time

to agonize over my one line.
"Could be dangerous,"

or, "Could be dangerous!"
Mm, those both sound wrong.

Regardless of what you choose,
we're gonna do a star wipe

right there to really
focus on you.

And we'll add a music cue,
maybe Toni Braxton.

Well, I'm all set.

I watched the movies
you guys recommended.

Home Alone, Hours,
and The Devil Wears Prada.

I've set up booby traps
all around the house,

packed water and snacks
in my backpack

in case I get trapped
under a rock,

and I'm prepared to throw
my phone in a fountain

to show Miranda Priestly
that I am still my own woman.

I also watched Cast Away

and then drew a face
on this hockey puck,

like Tom Hanks did
with that volleyball.

So I'll be home alone,
but not home a-lonely.

[band instruments warming up]

GROUP: Ready Bobby readies
better butter for the babies.

Ten minutes, everybody.

- Thank you, ten.
- MS. McNAMARA: Actors,

if I can get your attention, please.

I just got word
that Steven Huang

and Fred Lombard,
his understudy,

were snow machining when an elk
stepped into their path.

- BOTH: Oh, no, Steven!
- MS. McNAMARA: They're basically fine,

but Fred has a concussion, and
Steven sprained both of his feet

- and cannot dance or stand.
- [all gasp]

Since Steven is the lead
and Fred is his understudy,

my only option is to cancel
the performance.

ALL: No!

I love this. The drama,

not the fact that Steven
and Fred were in an accident.

My condolences.

MOON: Look at all those potatoes.

Being alone on Mars is easy.

Still no intruders.
You're nailing this, Moon.

- [rustling]
- Huh?

Hey, squirrel, what are you
doing in my bucket full of glue

foot trap?
It's for adult human burglars.

Whoa!

Uh-oh. [grunts]

Well, there's no getting out
of here. I'm just that good.

[cast murmuring]

Well, I guess I'll go out

and tell the audience
the show is canceled.

Ms. McNamara, wait. I...

actually know all of Steven's
lines and all of his songs.

- You do?
- Yes, and everyone else's lines

and all the choreography,
and I memorized the program.

What I'm saying is,
I can go on for Steven.

But you're supposed to sing
for Chrissy from the pit.

Right, and I can still
sing her song, but onstage.

I'll just turn my head
upstage like this,

- and Chrissy can move her mouth.
- Amazing choice.

So, instead of singing
in the pit,

I'm going to be singing
both leads

- onstage in front of everyone.
- Yes, I guess you would be,

and getting all the
attention you were craving.

[chuckles] Well, does everyone
want to go ahead with the show?

[overlapping agreement]

- Okay, then.
- Places, everyone.

Places, everyone. Why are
you all just standing here?

Stools, get onstage and crouch.

- Drop the pivoting fluke anchor.
- Could be dangerous.

- Get it, Beef.
- [whoops] That's my dad!

Martin, why don't you go grab
two more nets from the dock?

Whatever you need, Cap.
I'm on it.

Remember, we got a boat
to get ready,

so no sneaking around
with your girl.

Oh, right, my girl.

♪ Tomorrow, I head out ♪

♪ To the Grand Banks
with this crew ♪

♪ So, tonight,
I wave goodbye to you ♪

♪ It's not safe out there,
that's what I truly believe ♪

♪ Why don't you stay right here ♪

♪ I hate when you leave ♪

♪ I'll be back,
I always return ♪

♪ Just tired and dirty with a sunburn ♪

♪ You know you're my destiny,
but what if ♪

♪ The worst happens? ♪

♪ It's just the sea, so
let's go out and have a brew ♪

♪ 'Cause, tonight,
I wave goodbye to you ♪

- Put me down.
- Are you kidding? They're eating it up.

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ I wave ♪

♪ Goodbye ♪

♪ To you. ♪

JUDY: Hey, Chrissy, there you are.

I know we have to be on
for the finale soon,

but I just wanted to tell you
how great you were out there.

We made such a great team.

You know, I actually
almost did something tonight

that would've hurt your feelings,

and I'm really glad
that I didn't because...

Wait, are you crying?

[crying]

Why didn't you just let
Ms. McNamara cancel the show?

Now Steven saw you do
his part and my part.

He's probably going to fall back
in love with you.

Me? No. Steven likes you.

What are you talking about?

This whole thing has just been
so humiliating for me.

I mean, I just auditioned
to have something

to do with Steven for fun,

since it's not volleyball
season right now,

and then Ms. McNamara
gave me the lead,

which I didn't even want.

Then she made me sing
in front of people,

even though I cannot sing.

And then she gave my
song to my boyfriend's

beautiful and talented
kind of ex-girlfriend,

and everything was just like a...
like a... a perfect storm.

Huh. I've been feeling
the exact same way.

- You have?
- I have to be honest.

I did kind of want to get Steven
back, and I'm sorry for that.

I was jealous of you a little,
I guess, and... [chuckles]

Because I think
you're beautiful and talented.

I mean, you're amazing
at volleyball,

- and everyone in school knows that.
- I am amazing at volleyball.

And then I didn't get the part
I wanted, you got that part.

I had to play an inanimate object,
and then my dad got a line,

and then I had to sing
your part from the pit,

without getting any credit.

[sighs] It was just a lot
of bad stuff all at once.

Yeah, I guess I didn't see it
from your point of view.

Ms. McNamara told me

she just wanted to give me
a chance to shine,

but I don't shine at singing,
I shine at volleyball.

- You really do.
- She also said she was doing this

because she thinks
you talk too much,

and you're always trying
to get attention,

and that is why
she put you in the pit.

- What?
- Don't worry, I don't think that stuff

about you. Ms. McNamara...

- BOTH: Sucks!
- [laughs] She really does.

I do like the attention I get
when I'm in musicals,

but not because
I love attention or something.

It's because
I'm good at musicals.

I know. It's good to shine
at things you shine at.

She also said you're constantly
pulling focus, you're a try-hard,

and that you're not as whimsical
as you think you are.

Wow, there is something
very wrong with her.

- Mm-hmm.
- But you may have

actually taught me a good lesson.

Next time I see
another girl struggling,

I should try to help them instead
of just thinking about myself.

I should've supported you,

like those guys
on the Barbara Gail,

- based on the Andrea Gail.
- [slow clapping]

The best drama really is backstage.

Now, get out there
for the finale, and I mean run.

♪ Sometimes one bad thing
happens, brother ♪

♪ And then another
and then another ♪

♪ And when you see
that big wave just wave ♪

♪ That's how we get
the ocean to behave ♪

♪ And when you don't survive,
then make the most ♪

♪ Out of being
a very, very wet ghost ♪

♪ We're all dead now,
but who could complain? ♪

♪ We had some wicked fun in the ♪

♪ Ideal ♪

♪ Hurricane. ♪

- [applause]
- Hey, look over there.

There's a Dunkin' Donuts
in heaven. [quiet chatter]

Hello, Moon.

Now, before you say anything,
I'm totally fine,

but I understand
if you don't want to let me

stay home alone again.

Actually, I consider this a success.

You're alive,
and your trap worked.

First time Ham
stayed home alone,

we found him
in the fold-out couch.

I wanted to see what it would
feel like to be a remote control.

Hey, a bunch of deer got in here,

and they're having a pizza party.

- Get out, guys! Shoo, shoo!
- MOON: Don't shoo them out,

I know those guys.
They're cool.

♪ You can step on a stool ♪

♪ To reach something
way up high ♪

♪ Like a book or a trophy ♪

♪ Or even the sky ♪

♪ Sometimes you just
don't want to kneel ♪

♪ Like when you
have to milk a cow ♪

♪ Or work on a pottery wheel ♪

♪ You probably didn't
learn this in school ♪

♪ But America loves stools ♪

♪ Stools can be shaped
as circles or even squares ♪

♪ They're much more useful
than lame old chairs ♪

♪ It's seating for one person
and that is all ♪

♪ No room for anyone else,
not even a doll ♪

♪ You probably didn't
learn this in school ♪

♪ But America loves stools! ♪