04x07 - Ethan... Esther... Chaim

[bunniefuu]

[MIDGE] I met him in the park.

I always walk Ethan through the park

on the way to kindergarten.

It gives us a little time together,

and I love the fresh air.

His dog said hello first.

Then he said hello.

♪ Autumn in New York... ♪

And I liked him.

Pretty instantly.

He was good-looking, smart.

You can tell by the eyes.

I apologized for kidnapping his pooch,

and he flashed this amazing smile.

From then on, we ran into him a lot.

Pretty much every day.

Pretty much on purpose.

- ♪
♪
- [DIALOGUE INAUDIBLE]

One time he brought me a
flower he picked along the way.

It was pretty. He was pretty.

The flirting was pretty
intense from both sides.

- [CHILDREN SQUEALING]
- [SUSIE] Hold it.

All morning, this has been going on.

- [LAUGHING]
- I only talked to him because he phoned and I picked up.

How could I know not to pick up

- when I don't know it's him calling?
- Dinah.

That's dumb, Frank. You're
being dumb. Don't be dumb.

- Dinah.
- Hold on. Alfie's tech rehearsal is all set for : .

- [DOOR CLOSES]
- That was my boss.

It was my boss!

- Dinah, hang up.
- Talk to him?

He'll hang up if he knows I'm at work.

- He thinks I'm with Hank.
- This isn't Hank?

It's Frank. Hank's my other boyfriend.

Christ. Hank.

- Frank.
- Frank, Dinah's at work.

Go away.

- Satisfied?
- [DOOR OPENS]

No, that wasn't a man.
It was my boss, Susie.

- [DOOR CLOSES]
- She's a woman!

I'm done talking to you, Frank. Goodbye.

- [PHONE SLAMS IN CRADLE]
- Continue.

One day, Ethan had a
day off from school.

Zelda stayed with the kids,
and I hit the park by myself,

hoping to run into him.

And I did.

♪ It's autumn in New York... ♪

This time, we sat and
talked for an hour.

He told me about his work, his hobbies,

his love of French films.

I was sure about it.

This time, he's asking me out.

And I did everything I
could to encourage it.

But he never pulled the trigger.

I thought about asking him out,
but I haven't asked out a guy

since that disastrous
experience on Sadie Hawkins Day.

[SUSIE] Wait, wait, wait.

What the hell is Sadie Hawkins Day?

The day where the
girls ask out the boys.

And I was all ready to ask
Jacob Fineman to the big dance.

God, was I in love with him.

That day, I'm standing outside
the temple with two RC Colas,

and he's walking towards
me in his brand-new...

Hold it! Do not start telling
a different g*dd*mn story!

There's no time.

Fine.

So, this morning, I'm back in the park,

without Ethan.

And there he is,

without his dog.

This time, he tells me
how much he loves coffee.

Said there was a place nearby

that had the best espresso in the city.

And he asked me if I was up for some.

I said, "Now?"

And he said, "Now."

So he led the way.

But the place was closed.

They were remodeling or something.

Just my luck.

Then he said he has a great
espresso machine at his place

that he imported all
the way from Naples,

and it's just around the corner.

Oh, boy.

I have never done this, but I thought,

"You only live once, Midge."

And I was wearing some nice underwear,

so what the hell?

He led the way.

[ELLA FITZGERALD:
"YOU'VE GOT WHAT GETS ME"]

Things happened fast after that.

[WHOOPS]

It had been a while.

Not since Benjamin.

I felt a kind of catharsis.

The thrill of spontaneity.

I realized that I hadn't been
spontaneous enough in my life.

Too much stop, not enough go.

And I realized that
I liked this feeling,

and I wanted to keep
feeling this feeling.

- But then...
- [WOMAN SHRIEKS]

- [GASPS]
- Complete chaos.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

- Are you g*dd*mn kidding me?
- [BARKING]

- The hell are you doing here?
- What am I doing here?

Who is this? Some slut
from the steno pool?

She is not from the steno pool!

[MIDGE] The guy's married.

He's yelling, she's yelling,

the dog is barking its
head off, and I'm stuck.

I'm completely naked and there's
only one way out of the room

and my clothes are nowhere near me.

So I grabbed what I could and ran.

I could still hear them yelling
at each other from the cab.

- It was insane.
- You know what,

draw up a list of every
guy you slept with!

Otherwise, we're gonna
be here all g*dd*mn day.

Okay. So?

What do you think?

I want my g*dd*mn dress back.

♪ ♪

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Walk like it's just an everyday thing.

Cool and casual, like
you're heading to the subway.

Darn, I was gonna
skip like a schoolgirl.

- Arch.
- I got this. Relax.

A block and a half down.
North side of the street.

- I know where it is.
- Ask for Cheng.

He's the best teller
and he speaks English.

- He does all my deposits.
- You already said that.

I just don't like cash
sitting around the club,

and I haven't found my
good hiding spots yet.

The desk is too obvious.

Everyone looks in the booze crates.

The rats can get to it in the rafters.

I think I'm gonna have to
jackhammer a hole in the floor

and then hide it with a rug.

And, yes, I've just become my mother.

Go back inside. I got this.

Okay, thanks.

- See you tonight.
- See you tonight.

[ENGINE ROARING]

Hey!

[JACKHAMMERING]

Oh, my. That's wonderful.

I'll take two ounces of that.

Great choice. It's our
most aromatic blend.

I'm going to look around a bit more,

maybe pick up some cigars
for the boys at the office.

I'll wrap this up for you.

[MAN] Yes, well, uh, we
have a fine, fine cigar...

Good morning, sir. Are
you enjoying your day?

Very much. Thank you.

And there's more days
you'd like to enjoy?

I beg your pardon?

I insist on feeding my family.

So when my livelihood is threatened,

I thr*aten back.

That's understandable.

There's a line in the Torah:

"f*ck with me and you die."

Have a think on this.

I will. But, for now,

I'm going to move to
another part of the store.

Nice talking to you.

[MAN] This one has a really
nice frame and shape to it.

- Hello to you, sir.
- Hello.

Oh, do you have a moment?

I'd like to discuss matchmaking.

Oh. Sure.

It's got quite the lively history.

The first matches date
back to th century China.

They dipped pine sticks in sulfur...

I meant the kind your
bony wife is engaged in.

- My...
- You're Abe Weissman, aren't you?

Husband of Rose,

father to Miriam,

grandfather to Ethan, Esther and Chaim.

Oh, you know, I have nothing
to do with what my wife does.

But you have influence.

You're the man, aren't you?

I suppose.

Unless we take your manhood from you.

Who are you?

Doesn't matter.

Just tell your wife to stop.

- Stop.
- Stop now.

Stop? Sure.

Uh, could you just answer
one little question for me?

- Yes.
- Are there any more of you outside?

Just us.

♪ ♪

- Sir! Your tobacco!
- Keep it!

- [THE EVERLY BROTHERS: "SO SAD (TO WATCH LOVE GO BAD)"]
- ♪ We used to have ♪

♪ Good times together... ♪

You already ordered?

- Yeah.
- Why?

Well, you're late and I have
to be at Susie's at : ,

so I ordered for both of us.

It's ice-cold. And you're always late.

Except today.

I don't even want
this. I just want eggs.

Then get some eggs.

And throw all this away,
like I'm Henry VIII?

Yes. Just don't behead me.

Want to go out and come back in again?

No. It's just...

everything's crazy.

- I know.
- That bag of cash.

I never should've trusted it to Archie.

- It wasn't his fault.
- He was holding it like it was takeout from Junior's.

So amateur.

You want me to question Imogene,

see if it was an inside job?

It's gonna make money tight.

We'll figure it out.

Excuse me. Could we
get three eggs scrambled

- and some fresh coffee?
- You got it.

Here. From Ma and Pop.

Potential Halloween
costumes for the kids.

Ladies at the factory worked 'em up.

- Now what?
- Bonnie and Clyde.

Romeo and Juliet.

- These are couples.
- So?

Couples who...

you know.

Ew. Don't even imply that.

It's our children.

Tarzan and Jane?

You really want to put
your son in a loincloth?

What is with you today?

What is with you?

Is it just the money?

Yes. Of course. Just the money.

Only you would say "just the money."

Joel.

[SIGHS]

♪ When I know for certain... ♪

[EXHALES] We're having a baby.

Who is?

Me and Mei.

We're having a baby.

Wow.

Wow.

Add a couple of hundred wows for me.

I assume it was a surprise?

You could say that.

Anything else?

- So what's the plan?
- It's brand-new.

- That's not a plan.
- We just found out.

Again, not a plan.

What do you want to know, Midge?

The color of the nursery?

Which college it's going to?

I get to know something, Joel.

This is gonna affect
me and the kids a lot.

- I know.
- I mean,

- what have you discussed?
- Nothing.

She's not even here. She's
interviewing for her residency.

- Out of town?
- Yeah.

What happens if she lands
somewhere else? Do you move?

I've got the club.
You know I can't move.

Does she know that?

You know, I didn't
have to tell you this.

That my kids are gonna have a stepmom?

- Really? I didn't need to know this?
- These are cold.

I'd find out when I
run into the two of you

pushing a stroller?

You know, forget this.

Forget we ever spoke.

Joel, wait!

You can't be mad at me
for asking questions.

Those aren't questions. They're
the f*cking third degree.

I know nothing about this girl
except she's gonna be a doctor.

- That's right.
- What kind of doctor?

Foot doctor? Brain doctor?
Eye doctor? Kid doctor?

Just a doctor doctor.

You seem to know
nothing about this girl.

Does she even have a
last name? Doctor what?

- Lin.
- One "N" or two?

One.

You had to think about it?

She'll change her name to Maisel.

So you're getting married?

Would it k*ll you to be happy for me?

- You need to be happy first.
- I'm happy.

Okay? I'm happy! This is happy!

When are you telling Moishe and Shirley?

- How do you know I haven't?
- Because I was on the phone

with Shirley for half
an hour last night,

and the bulk of the conversation
was about instant yeast

and that sexy Robert Goulet.

They don't know yet.
So don't say anything.

She may be showing the
next time they see her.

They haven't met her yet.

They hav...

Do you have a handle on this?

At all?

God,

Joel, what have you
gotten yourself into?

I want to get off this street.

Are you really getting married?

She and I are gonna work out
the logistics when she gets back.

I will keep you in the loop.

And prospective parents
tend to get married.

- Okay.
- Don't mention this to anyone till I say you can.

Yes, sir.

That wasn't a command.

I'll see you later.

And I'll talk to Pop about the costumes.

[CLANG]

- Abe?
- [PANTING]

Away from the door. Away from the door.

- Why?
- Is that back door locked?

Yes. What's wrong? You're sweating.

Quiet. Whisper. Mime it if you can.

- Abe.
- The little one, Rose.

- The little one.
- What little one?

The tiny Jewish one. Moloch in pearls.

The big one. Irish,
with hands that crush.

They were in the store.

What store?

My tobacco store.

Apparently, you're a matchmaker?

Abe, I've been a
matchmaker all these months.

You knew that.

Well, they're matchmakers, too.

And they want you to stop.

That's what they said.
In no uncertain terms

and intimidating accents.

Stop.

Your coat is ripped. Did they hurt you?

No. But I was afraid they
would follow me from the store,

so I did everything
I could to shake them.

I serpentined my way through streets,

ran into random shops,

- dove between cars.
- Oh, my God.

Then I...

Abe?

I...

- You what?
- [BELL TOLLING]

[ABE] I ducked into a Catholic church,

thinking sanctuary,

at least from the Irish one.

I thought it would be empty,

but they were in the middle of mass.

The only sound in the room
was this windy pipe organ.

[ORGAN PLAYING]

There was a long line of
people headed up the aisle,

so I joined it.

I had no idea what it was for.

I just moved along with it.

Blend in...

that was the strategy.

When I got to the front,

everyone was kneeling.

So I knelt, too.

That's when I saw him.

He was holding this silver cup.

And in order not to look suspicious...

- Abe, you didn't.
- I took communion.

- Oh, my God.
- I think the priest was suspicious.

Especially when he said,
"The body of Christ"

and I answered, "Mazel tov."

My head is spinning.

So, there I was,

with a mouthful of Christ,

wondering what the hell to do.

I left immediately and took it out.

And now...

what do I do with it?

Wrap it up in something. Set it aside.

- We've got bigger worries.
- They mentioned Miriam

and the grandchildren by name.

Go clean up. We will figure this out.

I really appreciate you coming
to this showcase yourself

and not just sending an associate.

You won't be sorry. Alfie's the best.

- [KNOCKING]
- Don't come in!

I said don't come in.

Midge Maisel is here.

[QUIETLY] Now? She's early.

Uh, so I'll see you
Friday night, Mr. Glatter.

Thank you. Tell Midge to wait.

I'm here.

I need her to wait!

- Could you step outside?
- Really?

She's already in. Let her stay.

- [CRYING]
- Why is she crying?

Why are you here?

- We had an appointment.
- At : .

No, at : , and it's
noon, so I'm an hour late.

I told her : so she'd
be here at noon! You said,

"That f*cking Miriam, she's
always an hour f*cking late

because she doesn't give a
sh*t about anyone but herself!"

Thank you! And I didn't say that!

Well, you're here. Sit.

Because I actually have a happy
piece of news to share with you.

Happy news. I'm all ears.

Took a lot of string-pulling,

but you said you
wanted a headlining gig.

I got you a headlining gig.

Are you kidding?

Thousand-seat theater.

Good pay, too.

Amazing. Where's the gig?

Croatia.

Where is that, Pennsylvania?

The Republic of Croatia.
That's where the gig is.

The name of the place
is in their language,

which loosely translates as
"Make Laugh Showing Teeth."

Croatia?

Uh, specifically Zagreb.

I think that's the capital.

- [DINAH] It is!
- Thank you!

It's a five-night stand,

but the place only turns on its
electricity one night a week.

So you would fly in for that one night,

do the gig, then fly back.
Then you wait six days

and you fly back into
Zagreb, do another gig,

- and then fly back.
- For five straight weeks?

Now, you're gonna need sh*ts.

Uh, smallpox, tetanus, diphtheria.

Apparently it's excruciatingly painful,

so you want to get 'em
about a week before you go.

Susie, I can't do all that
traveling back and forth

to a far-off country
for one show a week.

I'll drop dead.

No, not if you get your sh*ts.

Pass.

You said, "Make me a headliner."

In the Western Hemisphere.

- So it's a no.
- It's a million noes.

So you'll warm up for Sophie
Lennon, but you won't take this?

That was a mistake
that I won't make again.

You know, I don't think
I can do better than this.

Do you understand? I
mean, just last week,

I had a pretty big guy
angling to check you out.

I didn't even have a place
to send him to see you.

Who?

You ever heard of Gordon Ford?

Really? Gordon Ford would come see me?

Yes. Well, no, not him.

He's too big. But his booker.

His booker? Well, that's
still pretty big, his booker.

... 's intern. His booker's intern.

But he was really into it.
And he reports to the booker,

and the booker reports to Gordon Ford.

Fine. If they really want to see
me, they can always come over...

Before you finish that g*dd*mn sentence,

these guys cannot come to an
illegal strip club to see you.

They're too legit. They
can't be seen there,

so they just won't do it.

And there is no local
headlining gig for you.

Not in the near future.

I am working on it,
but let's be realistic.

- I'm going to lunch.
- Good.

Go. Take a handkerchief.

- What's the matter with her?
- [SIGHS]

Long story. Just don't make
friends, 'cause she's got to go.

Oh. Poor thing.

She's not professional, you know?

She's got these boyfriends
she's always fighting with,

and her tiny family's
always running around.

Too much drama, too much
trouble. A lot of snot.

Well, I was gonna get the
Alfie showcase info from her.

I'm bringing four with me.

Just grab a flyer. It's
underneath that pile.

- Which one?
- The one on the right.

Not that one. Next to it.

The other next to it.

You glued to your seat
or something? Show me.

- It's right there.
- Why aren't you standing?

Susie?

I'm not wearing pants.

Really?

No, I just thought I'd do
some light comedy for you.

Yes, really.

Well, so what? I've
seen you in your boxers.

Um...

I'm not wearing boxers.

You're just...

- naked down there?
- Yes.

Don't you stick to the seat?

It wasn't a choice.

The phone rang, Dinah wasn't in yet,

and I wasn't done dressing.

- But...
- Get all your questions out now!

You dress yourself completely
on the top, then do the bottom?

- [PHONE RINGING]
- Yes.

And not, like, start with underwear

on top and bottom and
then move on to outerwear?

- No.
- Susie Myerson and Associates.

May I ask who's calling?

Who is it, Nicky?

It's Sandy Bishop at
McCormick/Hatlestad.

Oh, hi, Midge.

I have to take this.

Submit the rest of your
questions in writing, okay?

- I'll talk to you later.
- Close the door on your way out.

Hey! Miriam!

- Mr. Bishop, hello.
- Midge. Long time no see.

Hi, Frank. You guys helping out?

- Whenever we can.
- Yeah, we hooked her up

- with this place, you know.
- I know.

And she's very happy here.

So, uh, you taking the Croatia gig?

At Make Laugh Showing Teeth.

- Uh, no.
- [NICKY] Really?

- It's a thousand-seater. Headliner.
- With electricity.

I can't take it for many reasons,

but, for one, I can't
leave the kids that long.

Ah. So it's a family thing.

Mainly.

Okay. "Not taking due to family."

You keeping track?

Well, you're part of
our family now, right?

Oh. Sure. I mean, my immediate
family's growing by the second,

- so why not?
- Miriam,

unless I'm mistaken,

are you expecting?

You're glowin' but you're not showin'.

No. My husband and his
mysterious girlfriend

are expecting, and... [INHALES]

it's gonna be complicated.

Mysterious, huh?

He hardly knows her.

Mm. Worrisome.

[SUSIE] At Cherry Lane.
Part of the Village.

Midge,

you worried about this girl?

No.

I mean...

maybe a little.

She's gonna be stepmother
to your children.

And play an important
role in their upbringing.

Joel didn't want to hear that.

Mm-hmm.

Anything else?

Uh...

Guess not.

You want us to look into this girl?

No. No, no.

Could you?

- We could.
- Discreetly.

Or not.

No, I'd want it to be discreet.

If I wanted it.

Well, you're talking to the right guys.

We're good at getting
information out of people.

- About people.
- About people.

Without them knowing.

Okay.

Want to give us a name?

I mean, she probably
just goes to school,

- goes home...
- Maybe.

Maybe not.

And all you need's a name?

And we will be very discreet.

- [WIND BLOWING]
- [CHEERING]

[AUNT EM] Quick! Dorothy!

Run for the cellar!

[CHEERING]

[COW MOOS]

[CACKLING]

[TOTO BARKING]

She told Boise right to his face...

Boise runs the place...
"You knock first."

"Girls have knockers. Men
knock." That's what she said.

Midge has always been quietly assertive.

One of the many reasons why I love her.

I worked a place in Philly once.
Had to put a sign on the door.

"No BJs."

[LAUGHING]

So funny. [INHALES]

What's a BJ?

God, honey, you are
so sweet and innocent.

Like an elf riding a bunny rabbit.

Well, I love this.
Sitting around, chatting,

just us working girls.

Oh, you work, sweetie? What do you do?

Something with ice skates, right?

No, I can't skate.

I'm a mom. Plus I'm
halfway through my studies

at the Katharine Gibbs
Secretarial School.

- Secretarial school?
- Oh, I'd never want to be a secretary.

Men don't respect 'em.

They spend all day at the office
just staring at their tits.

- It's degrading.
- Right. Well,

I would definitely avoid
having them do that.

You really should learn to skate.

- What's up, party pooper?
- Just finished.

With payday tomorrow, I
think I am just gonna make it

- this month.
- Did I tell you Archie's sorry?

- He feels so awful.
- I know.

He put in an order to buy
pieces of Tupperware from me.

It's ridiculous. I'm not calling it in.

He's Archie. He's trying to pay
you back whatever way he can.

We'll get through it.

Money comes, money goes.

It mostly goes these
days, but que será.

Everything okay?

Yeah. We're just talking
about the big snatch.

Who? Trixie?

No. Imogene's husband

got a bag snatched off the street.

Had some valuables in it.

The valuables belonged
to my ex-husband,

who now cannot make his monthly payment.

Oh, sh**t, I forgot. I've got
a lead for you on a gig, Midge.

- Hmm?
- You've heard of John F. Kennedy?

- Name rings a bell.
- My dad told me

there's a big New York
fundraiser for him coming up.

Wives For Kennedy.

Jackie's throwing it.

Jackie? Jackie Kennedy?

Oh, my God. I want to
be her very best friend!

She's John F. Kennedy's wife.

- Her name rings a bell, too.
- They need a comedian.

One that looks like a lady.

It was Jackie's
request. A lady comedian.

'Cause it's all ladies.

- Does it pay?
- Who the hell cares?

Kennedy. She'll do it!

It pays. You just can't say dirty stuff.

She won't. She'll do it.

I'll do it. Thanks, Gloria.

I'll jot down the number to call.

[CHEERING IN DISTANCE]

So how's your dad involved in this?

Oh, he's a senator.

- A senator?
- Yep.

I don't get it.

Are you not familiar

with our bicameral
system of legislature?

- No, I am.
- Because you didn't seem that familiar with John F. Kennedy.

Thanks for the tip, Gloria.

Come on. Dorothy must be
close to throwing up by now.

Hey, introduce me to the Big Snatch.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

This is gonna be a disaster.

What are you talking about?
You got a great turnout.

- The bigs showed up.
- Two of 'em bailed at the last second.

Two guys out of what, ?

You did Alfie proud.

Yeah, well, I can't
showcase you in a place

like this, if that's
what you're thinking.

I gave you a compliment.

There's no booze, and the acoustics...

they're not funny acoustics.

No one would laugh. You
would die in this room.

Whoa, slow down, I
wasn't implying anything,

I was just saying you
got a good turnout.

And I could k*ll in an unfunny room.

I should go check on Alfie.

You should've seen me in Grant's Tomb.

I had the entire tenth
grade in stitches.

It's bigger than I thought.

And before I spat it out, I
was really enjoying the taste.

And you want to get it back to them?

But how is the question.

Well, maybe you should stop by a mass,

get in the communion line,
and when it's your turn,

just toss it back in.

They wouldn't be suspicious of a Jew

tiddlywinking a communion
wafer back in the cup?

- They'd throw holy water on me.
- Then what, flush it?

You're going to flush the
body of Christ down the toilet?

The poor man's been through enough...

Guys, it's starting.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Hello. And welcome.

So, right off, a piece of good news.

I'm not gonna bore you with card tricks.

You people toward the
back, you wouldn't be able

to see much of what I was doing.

Unless I came up into the audience,

and who wants to see me
come up into the audience?

- [LAUGHTER]
- No.

I'm gonna stay right here.

And you'll stay there, and this...

[AUDIENCE CLAMORING]

... will not be part of the show.

Now let's go forward.

Into the past.

[AUDIENCE GASPING]

My ancestors, long ago.

Having a laugh.

[LAUGHTER]

Me, in my homemade superhero cape.

You must be wondering
what my powers were.

We'll get to that.

On the Major Bowes Amateur Hour,

I won. Cute.

[AUDIENCE] Aw!

This hasn't even happened yet.

Perhaps it will, perhaps it won't.

My family. My cape.

My break. My future...

My God, Rose,

that looks like you.

No... does it?

He is magic, you know.

It says in the program.
Read the program.

Will you go on this journey with me?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CLAMORING]

Good.

'Cause I've locked all
the doors from the outside.

You don't have a choice.

[LAUGHTER]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Now is the time when
I ask for a volunteer.

- [GASPS] Ooh.
- If you've raised your hand,

- you're disqualified.
- [GROANS]

Sorry, too eager.

I knew I shouldn't have raised my hand.

I get overly excited, and
that pushes people away.

Just sometimes.

It's the reluctant
that I like to engage.

The hidden figures.

The unsung souls.

The ones with depth we cannot see.

I...

choose...

you.

[AUDIENCE MURMURING]

Who's he pointing to?

I believe he's pointing to you.

Me? I can't go up there.

- Why not?
- Mama, go on,

- come on, Mama.
- Get up there, Rose.

- Come on, Mom!
- It'll be fun!

If not me, I'm so happy it's you, Rose.

Let's give her some encouragement,

ladies and gentlemen.

She has no idea what
I'm going to do with her.

Very good!

Come right up next to me, young lady.

That's it.

Now, what's your name?

It's Rose.

Rose.

[ROSE GASPS]

Thank God your name wasn't Cactus.

- [LAUGHTER]
- Good one!

Tell me a little about yourself, Rose.

Oh, well, I live on the Upper West Side.

I'm happily married.

I have two children,
three grandchildren.

Sounds like a wonderful life.

Do you like your grandchildren, Rose?

Of course I do. What a thing to say.

I adore them. They're perfect.

- Are you sleepy?
- I'm sorry?

And what are your grandchildren's names?

Ethan, Esther and Chaim.

Wonderful, I like the rhythm of that.

Ethan.

Esther...

Chaim... It's warm in here.

It's warm in here.

Ethan.

Esther.

Chaim. Do you like your
grandchildren, Rose?

They can be little terrors.
Their parents are too lenient.

- Oh! Low blow.
- What a meanie.

I think we have a slander
lawsuit on our hands, ladies.

Ethan... Esther...

Chaim.

- Is she being hypnotized?
- I believe so.

- And what about your children?
- They're in the audience.

- Look out.
- Incoming.

Tell me about your children.

My son is brilliant. A mathematician,

like his father.

- And your daughter?
- She's like you.

An undiagnosed schizophrenic?

[LAUGHTER]

She's a performer.

Fascinating.

And which of the grandkids are hers?

Ethan.

Esther...

Chaim.

Rose?

Next time you hear those names...

I want you to show me...

Show you?

... what your daughter does.

- Do you understand?
- Yes.

- No.
- How?

- What?
- [ALFIE] Ethan...

- What her daughter does?
- Esther...

- What the hell?
- Chaim!

Bubble, bubble,

toil and trouble.

Everyone nice and lubricated out there?

What the f*cking hell?

- What is this? What's happening?
- [ROSE] How are you?

How you doing in the cheap seats?

Did we get cheap seats?

Now I just want you to
think about something.

Especially you with
your hand precariously

close to your crotch there...

- What did she say?
- Crotch. She said "crotch."

She's never said "crotch" ever.

This is not possible.

Every girl you see working tonight,

shaking their moneymakers, has a father.

That's right. Me, too.

I have a father. Goes by Abraham.

- Moneymakers? How does she... ?
- I'm scared.

- I'm suddenly quite scared.
- Miriam, what is this?

He thought I'd grow up
to be the perfect lady,

and here I am slinging d*ck jokes

in a strip club to a bunch of drunk men

with various degrees of syphilis,

so happy Father's Day!

What kind of jokes were those?

d*ck, I believe. d*ck jokes.

- She's slinging 'em.
- This is my act.

So my parents are living with
me now, and they bicker a lot.

So many disagreements.

In fact, the only time
I hear my mother agreeing

with my father is, every
couple months they'll go to bed,

and about ten minutes later,
I'll hear my mother saying,

"Yes, Abe! Yes! Yes! Yes!"

It reminds me of sharing a common wall

with my brother back in the day...

Noah, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

About what? What?
What's she going to say?

My brother Noah was the
usual active teenager.

No, no, he didn't play sports.

He was active in that
other way teenage boys are.

- Oh, God.
- Ooh.

The slightest stimulation sent
him running to his bedroom.

Vivien Leigh on the cover
of Time, back to the bedroom.

Eleanor Roosevelt driving
a Jeep, back to the bedroom.

Lassie licking her privates,
back to the bedroom.

My God, the boy went through
the household hand cream

like it was water.

You still use a lot of hand cream.

- Yeah, well...
- Then he met his high school sweetheart Shira.

So madly in love.

Made him forget all
about Eleanor Roosevelt.

But then he pulled a switcheroo.

Dumped the perfect balaboosta

for a blonde shiksa with perfect skin,

like she stepped off the
cover of Nuremberg Monthly.

That is a completely made-up magazine.

But my mother, ooh, boy,

my mother.

Who is a bigger flirt
than my damn mother?

That's how we always got
the best parking space

or talked a cop out
of giving us a ticket

or snagged extra bagels at the deli.

"Oh, do make it a baker's dozen, Ezra.

Thank you so much. Oh."

Does my father ever wonder

why he's never had to
change a light bulb?

The woman has our building's supers

pawing and sniffing at
her like they're horny dogs

- and she's got a rump roast up her skirt.
- My God.

- I never have had to change a light bulb.
- Oops!

That's my signal.

Time to hold on to your
wheelchairs, fellas,

'cause here comes Lorna
Luscious, sexy candy striper!

The perfect place to stop. Rose!

Did I miss something?

No. Nothing. Nothing at all.

[LAUGHTER]

Now stand off to the side there,

Rose, as I say goodbye to the audience.

Thank you for joining me tonight.

It was my great honor.

The little boy inside me

- is grateful, as well.
- [AUDIENCE CLAMORING]

Are you still wondering

what my superpower was?

It was always this.

That I could hold you.

Your attention, your interest.

Oh.

And that I could make really neat exits.

- [AUDIENCE GASPING]
- [APPLAUSE]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

So what happened? You
all look so strange.

May I talk to you outside?

Miriam.

Miriam, my arm.

Why in God's name did you not tell me

you saw me at the Wolford?

Your stripper club?

I've never set foot in it.

You just recreated
my act, word for word.

Except for the couple of
words that you rearranged

- and improved it.
- Impossible.

Mama!

Okay, I went to your club.

There was a woman in a bathtub.

And then you came out
and did that thing you do.

- Did he hypnotize me in there?
- [NOAH] Astrid, wait!

- What did I say?
- Leave me alone!

- Astrid, please.
- Oh, go back to Shira!

With her pinched lips
and her blotchy skin

and her oversized bosom!

As if you never think about
Royceton Hobbingsworth.

What if I do? What if I think
of what would have happened

if Royceton hadn't joined the Navy.

Or gotten into that accident.

Or slept with my mother!

Astrid, please!

Why did you even come see me?

What was the point?
Just to t*rture yourself?

Because I had to see for myself.

- See what?
- The very thing that was imperiling my business.

- This again?
- Yes, this again.

What you do affects me.

And your father, everyone around you.

We're connected, Miriam.

Now tell me what I said in there!

First of all, it's more
than every couple of months.

Papa, not now.

From this day forward,
I'm keeping a log,

just so we're all on the same page.

And I will change the light
bulbs from now on, flirt.

[MIDGE] Mama...

once and for all, you
have to accept what I do.

And for the life of
me, I do not understand

how it could possibly
affect your business.

That doesn't matter now.

I don't have a business anymore.

- Because of me?
- No, because I'm giving up.

They said stop, I will stop.

No, you go on.

You love what you're doing.

You're happier now than
you've been in years.

I did like what I was
doing, but I'm not like you.

- I'm not a fighter.
- My journey's not so different

from the one you're on, Mama.

Mine just involves more naked women

- and d*ck jokes.
- Your mouth.

Yours, too.

It's easy to quit, but don't.

Don't quit. Don't stop.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, man!

What happened in there?

Let me tell you over a
bottle or two of sherry.

[ARTIE SHAW: "THE GRABTOWN GRAPPLE"]

[ROSE] I said what?!

[ABE] You have a weakness
for men with mustaches.

That's what they all have in common.

The doormen here don't have mustaches.

So you admit that you're
attracted to the doormen.

- Hello.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, who are you?

- What are you doing here?
- Explain yourself, sir.

- Don't flirt with him.
- How is that flirting?

There was a lilt. You gave it a lilt.

Are you with them?

- Who?
- That group.

I'm with a group.

Guys, go inside. Frank here is a...

an associate of Susie's.

It's okay. Go, go, go.

I'll be right in.

Midge, that girl you
sent us after, Mei Lin?

We're backing off.
It's too hot, lava hot.

Too hot? How so?

Her family? Those are dangerous people.

You don't f*ck with those people.

They'll just disappear you.
Like you never existed at all.

- Oh! Aah!
- Aah!

- [SCREAMS]
- Julie, hi. Sorry to startle you.

Was that a g*n?

Yes, but it's a comedy g*n.

- Right?
- Yeah, a comedy g*n.

- Frank here is my sometimes comedy partner.
- Like on the weekends.

- The g*n sh**t flowers out of it.
- It's a very funny g*n.

Sorry to startle you.

You really should stop stalking
around this hallway, Miriam.

You're right. I will stop.

- Good night, Julie.
- Good night, Julie.

Look, the less you know
about this girl's family,

the better, and please
do not tell anyone

we were snooping around them. Anyone.

- It didn't happen.
- Okay.

And apologize to Julie for me.

What happened here was unprofessional.

- I will.
- Okay.

It's off to the races.

A jaunty Oleg Cassini flax helmet

accessorizes this
mischievous tri-colored dress.

A black scroll resembling
the work of a Zen master

accentuates the vertical
romanticism of this dress.

The Lilly Daché hat is the
icing on this tasty cake.

And finally, pomegranate

polka dots weave through
rectangular cutouts

as a peekaboo bodice frames
the modified boatneck.

A chic version of a fisherman's rain hat

completes the ensemble.

And now for this
afternoon's entertainment,

we have a very funny lady who
is going to tell some jokes,

and then we'll have cake
from Gino's Pastry Shop.

May I introduce to you,

Mrs. Miriam Maisel.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

[EXHALES]

John F. Kennedy is
running for president.

I know. It's great.

Right? We'll have a young, smart,

handsome president, and,
boy, is he gonna be busy.

Have you read his platform yet?

He's got a six-point health care
plan that includes everything

from building new hospitals
to spiffier paper gowns

and turning the heat
on so you don't freeze

your tush off in the examining room.

[LAUGHTER]

He's gonna give more money to NASA

and we are gonna send a man
to the moon before the Soviets.

All these things sound wonderful.

What could possibly be the
downside of him winning?

What should we, every
single woman in this room,

be very, very afraid of?

- This.
- [LAUGHTER]

If he wins, this is going
to be the first lady.

Can you imagine, you wake up,

your hair in curlers,
pillow creases on your face,

and you sit down at the
table and pick this up,

and see that face first
thing in the morning?

I mean, really, is that fair?

And it's not just the face
or the clothes or the poise...

I mean, didn't they
invent the word "poise"

just to describe this woman?

Can you picture Jackie
Kennedy having a bad hair day?

Or chipped nail polish?

Can you imagine her with
mustard on her shirt?

Or with cramps? Now, Pat
Nixon, that woman has cramps.

Probably every single day.

I'm sure Pat's a very nice lady,

but I feel like I know
what she looks like

after a night with her in-laws.

Exhausted, slightly drunk,

full of resentment,
and suddenly realizing

the ice pick can be used
on something other than ice.

But not Jackie.

Her in-laws love her.

They eat her roast
and bring her flowers.

She's fluent in French, Spanish

and Italian and Yiddish.

Okay, I have no proof
about the last one,

but I still believe it's true.

- [LAUGHTER]
- Do we really want a first lady

who looks like this on a horse?

Or do we want a first lady

who looks a little more like the horse?

I mean an attractive horse.

I'm talking Buttermilk, not Trigger.

- We women are dealing with a lot.
- [WOMAN] Right.

Do we really need to be constantly

comparing ourselves... Oh, come on!

Who has that kind of
perfect facial expression

while they're at the beach?

Where's the sunburn? The sweat stains?

Where's the grape soda
stain from her daughter

throwing up on her after the first time

she swung her around in the ocean?

Where is the look on
Jackie's face that says,

"If I just let go right now... "

[AUDIENCE CLAMORING]

She is absolutely perfect.

Here's a charming, little anecdote.

"When the senator lost the notes

for a speech which he had planned

to end with a quote
from Tennyson's Ulysses,

Jackie bailed him out of
trouble by quickly reciting

the appropriate lines from memory."

[AUDIENCE] Oh...

Who are you?!

That was Pat Nixon asking, not me.

That's a cute outfit.

That's cute, too. Sorry,
I'm just shopping now.

You know,

I used to have a dress like this.

Called it my lucky dress.

And it was until... well,

that's a story for another time.

[AUDIENCE CLAMORING]

Nope, wrong venue. It's a little racy.

There's baby carrots here.

We'll cover them up
with the mashed potatoes.

All right.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Well, I am recently divorced.

And a little lonely.

And a couple weeks ago, I meet this man.

He seemed really nice, very handsome,

and I was in my lucky
dress. Perfect combo.

So we go for coffee, but
the coffee place is closed.

And so he suggests a little
coffee at his apartment.

Anyhow, he was out of
coffee, so we had sex.

- [AUDIENCE GASPING]
- Now, I know what you're thinking.

He didn't have tea? Soda?

Fruit can be hydrating.
How about an apple?

The only other option was sex?

Yes. It's my story, so deal with it.

So we had sex and it was great.

When suddenly the door flies open,

and this crazed woman
comes in with a little dog

and starts yelling and screaming,

and I'm thinking, "Who is this nut?"

And I was about to
suggest we call the police

until I realized it was his wife.

[AUDIENCE GASPING]

I couldn't believe it.

I was the other woman. I was the harlot.

The strumpet. I was all the things

I called my husband's mistress.

Can you imagine catching your husband

with another woman in your bed?

But as I was laying there, in her bed,

- under her sheets, I...
- [WOMAN CRYING]

Hey, look on the bright side.

She got to keep my lucky dress.

[WOMEN SOBBING]

Where's that cake?

[WOMAN SOBS LOUDLY]

[PHONE RINGING]

Susie Myerson and Associates.

- [MIDGE] Hey, got a question.
- Sure, what?

So, lunch tomorrow, Dinah told me : ,

but is that what time lunch
is, or is that an hour before

the actual lunch because she
figures I'll be an hour late?

Well, if she thinks
you'll be an hour late,

that means we're meeting at : .

And she told me : .

And she knows I won't be
more than minutes late

'cause I'm coming from
the Upper East Side,

so that doesn't make sense.

And I know she schedules these things

around my being late,
so I'm already adjusting

to that, so is she
adjusting to my adjustment?

You know, none of this matters,
because tonight's the night.

I'm taking Dinah out to
dinner so we can have the talk.

I let her pick the place and everything.

Oh, the talk.

Yeah, my hiring/f*ring book

says you should show as
much respect as you can

to the person you're
canning so they don't

show up and k*ll you or something.

Okay. I'll see you tomorrow.

And I'll have a little
something for you, too.

A little something?
What little something?

Besides a cupcake that
Ethel Kennedy touched,

which makes it special, I'm
bringing your cut of the gig.

- What gig?
- A gig. I picked up a gig.

I didn't get you a gig.

Well, it was just a money gig I did.

It falls into the money category.

I'm all dolled up.

Okay, I have to go,

but tomorrow I'll be very interested

in hearing about what this gig was

that you did that I didn't book for you.

- Okay, I'll see you at : .
- : .

You clean up nice.

Thanks. So do you. Shall we go?

Sure, but, hey, you know what?

Why don't you take that coat
that you leave here all the time?

Why?

There's been a string of
burglaries in the neighborhood.

Wouldn't want someone to take it.

Good deal.

Here, I had this bag lying around.

Put your coat in the bag.

You should take these pictures, too.

- Just to be safe.
- Okay.

Is this something you like?

My nephew made it for me at camp.

Yeah, throw that in. This, too.

Okay.

That is it.

Let's eat.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Chicken and waffles with collard greens?

I mean, who knew this would
be an appetizing combination?

Well, it's good, so someone did.

I like people with a vision.

Listen, Dinah...

Damn, there's Hank. Scoot to the right.

- Why?
- To block him.

- Fine.
- Little more.

- Little more, little more, little more, little more, stop!
- You good?

- I'm good.
- Okay.

So, Dinah, I want to make
sure you're happy in this job,

'cause if you're not, we need to talk.

Oh, I'm happy.

- You don't seem it.
- I'm super happy.

I'm happier than I've
ever been in my whole life.

Had a toy dog made of wood when
I was a kid. You pull the leash

and he wags his tail and
walks and his eyes move?

That brought me a ton
of joy. This is better.

Right, but as your employer,
I need to be happy, as well.

I'm trying to picture you happy.

It's a struggle.

Yeah, maybe I don't get skip-
around, all-happy-pappy happy,

but I am talking
satisfied employer happy.

See, I have to constantly be...

Hey, hey, sorry, y'all.
Dinner's ruined. James is here.

- Are you kidding me?
- I didn't bring you here for chicken and waffles.

I brought you here to see James.

That's right. It's a
comedian doing comedy.

- Dinah...
- Comedy being the only way a Black man can k*ll

and have a room full of white
people tell him, "Good job."

[MAN] Sit down, James.

[JAMES] Brother, you look
like you k*lled somebody.

Look, I k*lled somebody,
too, so on the count of three,

let's both say who we k*lled.

Don't worry, nobody's listening anyway.

One, two, three.

Bing Crosby.

Welched on a golf bet,
so I smoked his ass.

We got some folks at the
lunch counter right now,

they're protesting me still talking.

He's super clumsy,
but I think he's funny.

[JAMES] Look, I'm trying to be nice.

My mama always said
you get more with sugar

than you get with vinegar.

I guess that's why she
only got her left foot now,

'cause of all that sugar.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Yeah, I figured folks with
diabetes wouldn't laugh at that,

so I just learned a whole
lot about you all here.

Hey, hey, pour some more
syrup on that sh*t, brother.

My mama would k*ll me

if she knew I was doing this tonight.

She worked her whole life
to keep me out of danger,

and here I am doing the most
dangerous thing you can do...

interrupt Black folks while they eat.

You know, I'm actually trying
to get beyond the n*gro audience.

Because everything's
aimed at white people.

I mean, that's where the money is.

I mean, think about children's stories.

If Hansel and Gretel were Black,

that story would be four lines.

The kids leave cornbread
crumbs to follow their tracks.

The witch catches up to 'em and say,

"What's that cornbread recipe?"

Together they make the
greatest cornbread of all time.

She forgets to eat 'em, end of story.

- Black Beauty, yeah...
- You found this guy?

Yeah, I've seen him twice.
He just seems special.

- [JAMES] Thank you, Anna Sewell...
- Yeah.

- He is.
- [MAN] Don't quit your day job.

You know, I-I don't just
play at smelly restaurants.

I also play a wide range
of upscale lavatories

- all across the tristate area.
- [MAN] Where my pork chop at?

- Hey, Junior!
- Hey, James.

Dinah Ruttles. What's up?

This is Susie. I told you about her.

Refresh my memory.

- I'm a talent manager.
- All right.

Look, I think you're funny as hell.

- But...
- What?

There's always a "but" with you people.

Don't do that.

Okay, fair enough, here's the but.

But you got lousy segues.

Yeah, I know I've got some segue issues.

And you meander. You
got a lot of topics.

- Too many.
- Well, I got a lot of things on my mind.

Good. Hone it.

Anything else?

- You got management?
- Managers just take your money.

Oh, yeah? You got a lot of
experience with managers?

- I've heard things.
- Well, have you heard that without a manager,

you'll be working men's
rooms for the next ten years?

She full of sh*t?

- Not about this.
- I want to manage you.

Let's try it for six months.

See if, at the very least, I can
get you into better bathrooms.

You got a card?

Hmm.

Take a fry.

Call me tomorrow. I'll buy you lunch.

Later, James.

I should get home.

My mama gets worried when
I'm out and I don't call.

Here, I'll take this.

Oh, so I'm coming back tomorrow?

Yeah. Of course you are.

: , don't be late.

Okay, just have your pants on

when I get there.

Yeah, I almost never
not have my pants on.

- What's the purple?
- I'm guessing it's an eggplant.

- Or a grape.
- [MIDGE] I don't want Esther dressed as an eggplant.

She doesn't want Esther
dressed as an eggplant.

That's why the choices.

You got your pumpkin,
you got your carrot,

- you got a couple varieties of beans.
- You hear that?

A pineapple would look cute on Esther.

Any sweet fruit would look good on her.

Just don't make her savory.

A sweet fruit for Esther.

And Ethan'll probably want
to be a banana or a carrot.

You know, those shapes that
boys are so obsessed with.

- Got it, carrot for Ethan.
- [MOISHE] Easy-peasy.

- [JOEL] So we're good to go?
- Sure.

- We're good, Pop.
- I'll tell your mother.

Hey, Pop, why don't you
stay and have a quick drink?

I won't say no to that.

- Meet me at the bar.
- You got it.

So, look, I'm telling Pop

tonight about Mei. About everything.

- I'd say it's overdue.
- I know.

I'm just telling you as a courtesy.

They'll probably call Abe
and Rose as soon as they hear.

Okay. Thanks for the heads-up.

Pineapple and carrot's good.

It's gonna work.

I agree. Keep me posted.

[GORDON] Welcome back, you're
watching The Gordon Ford Show.

And we got funny man Lenny Bruce.

So, Carnegie Hall, you nervous
about filling the place?

Not until about three
seconds ago, Gordy, no.

[LAUGHS] Yeah, but you don't have

performance anxiety
anymore, do you, Lenny?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Wait a minute, wait a... [LAUGHS]

Wait a minute, no, no, no,
no, you know what I meant.

Now, come on, l-let's-let's
keep it clean here, folks.

Nabisco's one of our sponsors.

[LENNY] Hey, it's your audience
who's got the dirty mind.

Mine is clean as Anita Bryant's.

Well, you're gonna fill the place.

- I've got confidence in you.
- Okay, look, uh...

I'm going to awkwardly
shill for myself here, Gordy.

My manager made me
promise, so here goes.

Uh, z-zoom in on me, guys.

Uh, come on.

There you go. Oh, watch
the cue card, though.

All right, that's...
real... There it is.

Uh... [LAUGHS]

Folks, this is Lenny Bruce.

Asking you to please, please

come to my show at the
hall they call Carnegie.

My self-esteem is at risk here.

A less-than-sold-out show
would shatter my fragile ego

and hurt something very dear
to the lawyers of America,

my bank account.

So come to my show.

And buy Nabisco products,
for Gordy's sake.

I'm telling you, dunk a Ritz cr*cker

in a dry whiskey... tasty, g*ng.

[GORDON] Okay, well, how
about we get some Ritz Crackers

and whiskey for everyone
in the audience, huh?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

["QUE SERÁ, SERÁ"]

Let's clink, kiddo.
You know your mother.

She's gonna want me home at some point.

[BOTH] L'chaim.

So, what's on your mind?

Just wanted to have a drink
with my favorite father.

Once more, with feeling.

Okay. So I know I was
a little cagey before,

about this girl I'm seeing.

- Supposedly seeing.
- There is a girl.

A great girl. The name's Mei.

May? A lovely month, a lovely name.

And she is going to be a doctor.

So that part is true? Good for you.

And it looks like
we're gonna get married.

Yes! We should've gotten doubles.

I can fix that.

Married! Your mother's gonna plotz!

But... that's only the half of it.

Only the half? There's another half?

- I'm all ears.
- Okay.

I'll get your waitress. Linda?

[WOMAN SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

♪ Que será, será... ♪

- [WOMAN SCREAMS]
- sh*t!

Pop! Pop!

Call an ambulance! Call an ambulance!

Is there a doctor in the house?

Any kind of doctor?

- [XTC: "HOLD ME MY DADDY"]
- ♪ Hold me, my daddy ♪

♪ I never felt lower
than dirt on the floor ♪

♪ I say hold me, my daddy ♪

♪ I never felt like
crying oceans before ♪

♪ If this means w*r, why are we in it? ♪

♪ Might have fired off
a couple of rounds ♪

♪ I didn't mean to begin it ♪

♪ If these are the
b*ll*ts that every father ♪

♪ And son must chew ♪

♪ Well, then hold me, my daddy ♪

♪ I forgot to say I love you ♪

♪ Hold me, my daddy ♪

♪ It hurts me to see grown
men fighting this way ♪

♪ I say hold me, my daddy ♪

♪ The young and the old dog
aren't having their day ♪

♪ This civil w*r, why are we in it? ♪

♪ Hold me ♪

♪ There's nobody on this flat earth ♪

♪ Would ever want to win it ♪

♪ If these are the hot
coals that every father ♪

♪ And son walks through ♪

♪ Well, then hold me, my daddy ♪

♪ I forgot to say I love you ♪

♪ And if you agree we can make amends ♪

♪ All this squabbling I've hated ♪

♪ In another time and another
place where our history bends ♪

♪ We could've been the best of friends ♪

♪ And not merely related ♪