12x15 - Ancient Misbehavin'

[bunniefuu]

(BOB GROANS)

You're a little groan-ier
than usual this morning, Dad.

(YAWNS) I didn't sleep great last night.

Yeah, look at your eyes.

The airlines would charge
you extra for those bags.

Why couldn't you sleep?

Were you thinking about
all the regrets you have?

So many, I'm guessing.

Yeah, but also, sometimes

your mom can get a little kicky.

Oh, no, was I kicking?

A little. A lot. Very hard.

Well, I was dreaming
that I was a flapper.

And you kicked Dad in his flaps?

- Sorry, hon.
- I mean,

I'm tired, but it's fine.

I'll just drink coffee
pretty much all day.

That's healthy, right?

Yup, totally. Hey, guys,

does anyone have a
bunch of extra shelves

- they want to give me?
- LINDA: Why?

'Cause I am going to be winning
a ton of prizes at school

and I'm gonna need a
place to put them all.

We're starting a special
unit on ancient Greece today,

and I hear Ms. Padaro is pretty
generous with the "prizolas."

She really is. Who do you
think I got my mood ring from?

- It was from her.
- Yeah, that unit was the highlight

of my fourth grade.
Well, that and winning

the long-distance pee-pee
contest in the boys' room,

but I didn't win for
accuracy, I won for artistry.

Also, I was alone.

Louise, I think you're
gonna like Ms. Padaro.

You learn all about the
Greek gods and goddesses

and how annoyed they
always were with everyone.

Yeah, just learning the steps
to becoming a god would be great.

You can be whatever you set
your mind to be, sweetie.

Right, but maybe not a Greek god?

Maybe not, maybe yes. Who knows, Bob?

Don't squash her dreams,
you puny human man.

- I'm gonna strike him down first.
- BOB: Mm.

So Greece-y in here.

I'm sitting next to Louise.
I'm sitting next to Louise.

And I'm sitting next to you.

Okay, so, for the next two weeks,

you are ancient Greeks,

and you will sit in the
round, as the Greeks did.

Doesn't it feel more
equal, more democratic?

Well, guess who invented democracy.

Miss America?

- David Democracy?
- Santa Claus?

Uh, no, but good guesses.

Um, the ancient Greeks invented it.

Did you hear Ms. Padaro has
a bunch of prizes you can win?

Oh, I've heard.

When is she gonna talk about the coins?

I know, right?

I have a question about
the coins and prizes.

That's my question.

- (OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
- Okay, okay.

I will be quizzing you
throughout the unit,

and if you give the right
answer, you get one of these.

Nice.

I made these clay replicas

of ancient Greek coins, and you can

trade them in for prizes at this...

- market.
- STUDENTS: Whoa!

Prizes.

They look like they're
from the dollar store,

so you know they're expensive.

It might finally be time
for me to take a whack

at this class participation thing.

Also, at the end of the unit,
we'll have a huge symposium,

aka party.

The god Dionysus will keep
the grape juice flowing.

- (ALL EXCLAIMING)
- Oh, man!

All right, who can tell me
what that building is? Chloe.

- The Parthenon?
- Correct.

Whoa.

And the Parthenon is
part of a larger group

of historic buildings called the...

- (STUDENTS STRAINING)
- Tommy.

- The Acropolis?
- Correct.

In the round? (SCOFFS)

More like she should turn
around, am I right? Sheesh.

She's being a real circle jerk.

Next question, I'm just gonna
jump on her like a backpack.

LINDA: All right, I'm calling it.

- Good night, sweetie.
- Good night, Lin.

(SIGHS, SNORING)

- (GRUNTING)
- Ow.

Oh, my God, that was quick.

Is she Charleston-ing?

Ow. Ow. (SIGHS) All right.

Oh, hey, Gene. What-what
are you doing up?

Hello, Father. I think
I might need some nachos.

No, Gene. No nachos. Go back to sleep.

Also, I don't think we
have stuff for nachos.

Not with that attitude. Hold on.

If you're sleeping on
the couch, that means...

I could have a sleepover at Mom's.

Am I dreaming or did I
hear sleepover at Mom's?

- Yup. It's on.
- Yes!

You guys, seriously, be careful.
She's really kicky tonight.

Oh, she wouldn't kick her kids.

- She loves us.
- Is it a sleepover at Mom's?

- Yup.
- (YAWNS) May as well.

LINDA: Aw, sleepover
at Mom's? All right!

- GENE: But with lingering Dad smell.
- Mm.

LOUISE: Okay,

Chloe and Kaylee got
called on a bunch yesterday.

Maybe we try to sit where they sat?

Yeah, I want to sit in the splash zone,

but for answering questions.

- Hey!
- Oh, sorry.

- Um, this is my seat.
- It was your seat yesterday.

Now you can go sit in no-coins-ville.

But they're all good seats.

That's the beauty of
sitting in the round.

Well, it's just that, yesterday,

this seat got a lot of action,
and not so much over there.

Let's just stay in the same
seats. Keeps things simple,

but don't worry, Louise, I see all,

like the many-eyed giant, Argos.

Thankfully, I don't have that many eyes,

or I'd spend a fortune on contacts.

Anyway, who knows what
monster Argos slayed? Louise.

Oh... Well, I don't know
the answer to that one.

Kind of skimmed the Argos
stuff. I'm gonna say Godzilla?

Oh, no. Tommy.

- Echidna?
- Correct.

- (GROANS)
- Correct.

- Correct. Correct.
- Dang it.

The lady just doesn't
see us. It's not fair.

She's like a shopping
cart with a wobbly wheel,

- she just pulls to the right.
- I hate those shopping carts.

Okay, the marketplace
is open for business.

- Time to cash in those coins.
- Yes!

I'm gonna get that eraser
that looks like a foot.

I'm gonna get a temporary
tattoo. Take that, Mom.

And I'm just gonna watch everyone else

- get cool things, I guess.
- This is some B.S.

Some serious B.S.

Some super serious B.S.

If I don't get that windup dolphin

that actually swims in a bathtub...

I don't even want to
think about it. (GRUNTS)

Hey, does punching a
locker hurt your hand?

- Probably. Eh, forget it.
- We got to do something.

We could offer her American cash money.

I have $ in my dad's wallet.

Or... we could... make
clay coins ourselves.

To... make ourselves feel better?

No, to use in class.

We make our own replica coins
of Ms. Padaro's replica coins.

You mean like counterfeiting?

I saw that in a movie that
I wasn't supposed to watch

that I watched five times.

Yeah, technically, it's counterfeiting,

but look, we tried playing by
the rules, and it didn't work.

What are we gonna do? Not
get coins and cool prizes?

- You make a good point.
- I do.

So, who's in for making our
own coins and our own justice?

We're only in fourth grade once, baby.

- Plus, I'll do anything you do.
- Rudy?

Count-erfeit me in. Man,

this is the coolest I've ever felt,

and saying that out loud made
it less cool. Sorry. Sorry.

Louise, don't you usually sit
with Gene and Tina at lunch?

Rudy, this is a top secret

counterfeiting brainstorming session.

I can't trust those blabber butts.

I told them you were
going through a crisis,

and you needed special lunch counseling.

Why am I the one who needs
special lunch counseling?

I'm fine.

- Poor Rudy. He looks terrible.
- Mm-hmm.

Okay, first thing's first,

we got to make a mold of a clay coin.

How the H are we gonna do that?

- Millie, can I have a piece of gum?
- From my mouth or fresh?

- How about fresh.
- Weird, but okay.

Rudy, you got a quarter
or a nickel or something?

If I had a nickel for every time
you asked me for a quarter...

- Uh, sorry. Here you go.
- (SPITS)

RUDY: I hope you're gonna wipe that off.

Now, you see the impression
this makes? If this gum

was a hard mold, we
could press clay in there,

and it would be the
exact shape of a quarter.

So, all we need is
some gold-colored clay,

a hard mold, and one
of Ms. Padaro's coins.

- And the blood of a virgin.
- What's a virgin?

I think it's someone
who gives a lot of blood.

Oh. My grandfather's a virgin.

I love TV, and if you're about to say,

"Well, then why don't you marry it?"

You should know that we're engaged.

All right, my family. It's getting late.

- Time for bed.
- You know, I actually

slept really well last
night here on the couch.

Um, I think I'm gonna do that again.

Aw, okay, Mr. Couching
Tiger, Sleeping Dragon.

You kids want to have
another sleepover at Mom's?

- Yeah!
- Hmm, let me check my schedule.

Just kidding. I'm available.

You guys didn't get kicked last night?

Of course I'm not gonna kick
them, Bob. They're my kids.

Well, actually you did, a
little, but it felt nice.

- It was like shiatsu.
- I'm gonna take a rain check.

Got to rest up for ancient
Greece class tomorrow

because I'm a good student.

Wow. Our great parenting
just started to work,

with one of you. The rest of you
little delinquents come with me.

- Yay!
- Hey, we can play "Never Have I Ever."

I'll start. Never have I ever
played "Never Have I Ever."

(HUMMING) ♪ Making my cozy bed. ♪

Oh, right, books. People
like to read those before bed.

Pepper A Spicy History.

Okay. All right.

Oh, this is nice.

This is very, very nice.

"Forget everything
you know about pepper."

(YAWNS) Okay.

That might be enough
reading for tonight.

LOUISE: All right,

let's get that coin. Ms. Padaro,

may I be excused to visit the restroom?

- Of course.
- Thank you.

So, today, I'd like to get into
the gods and Mount Olympus.

Um, I don't want to alarm anyone,

but there's a mouse over there!

(GASPS) I see it, too.

I don't see it. Do you know
what a mouse looks like?

RUDY: Oh, my gosh, it was right there.

- Keep looking.
- Yeah, yeah.

Keep looking in that direction

- and no-no other direction.
- Huh.

Weird, yeah. He must've scurried away.

Sorry. And... take us back to Greece.

(GRUNTS)

A moldy but a goodie.

- MS. PADARO: And Zeus was pretty mad...
- (SCREAMS)

The mouse is back! Everyone look

with your eyes.

And... he's gone again.

- Weirdest thing.
- (SIGHS) Classic mouse.

Coming and going whenever it wants.

I can't believe I slept
through the night last night.

I mean, that's what nights are for.

No, y-you don't understand.

This might be the first time

I've slept all the way through
the night in possibly years.

Is-is this how regular people feel?

I don't know, but you do look radiant.

- I feel radiant.
- (DOOR BELLS JINGLE)

- Hi, kids.
- Hey, Mom. - Hey-o.

Uh, hey. I have a little group project

to do with Rudy and Millie.

Is it okay if we go upstairs?
We really need to focus.

- Uh, sure.
- I don't remember

doing a group project for
the ancient Greek unit.

- Do you?
- The younger generation

just lives in another world, don't they?

Okay, we have our mold.

We have our gold clay.
The oven is preheating.

Let's make some money, people.

- I'm in her room.
- We can hear you.

- No, you can't.
- (GRUNTS)

LOUISE: Come to mama.

- Oh...
- She's beautiful.

Bake, you little fakies.

LINDA: ♪ Slumber party dance
party, lying down in bed ♪

- ♪ Pew, pew, pew, pew ♪
- (VOCALIZING)

LINDA: ♪ Slumber party dance
party, lying down in bed... ♪

Mm. Where else can I
go that's quiet? Oh.

This could work.

MS. PADARO: So, the Socratic method

is about asking questions
and challenging assumptions.

There's no right answer.

Well, that kind of
takes the pressure off.

Ooh, we better get to the marketplace.

Yeah, o-okay, sure. Yeah. All right.

Oh, the marketplace you say?

Suppose I could check it out.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

What if she figures
out our coins are fake?

She won't if we just play it cool.

(INHALES DEEPLY) Take it in.

Don't you just love the danger?

What? No! I don't!

Guys, pull it together.
This is just a test-drive.

We don't want to set off any alarms.

One small thing each.

Okay, who's next? Louise?

- Yes. Hello.
- RUDY AND MILLIE: Hi.

Holy crap, it worked. It worked.

- What a rush.
- Okay, so it's game on.

- Now, I love school.
- I kind of want to steal a truck.

I could put this sticker in
my locker. I could put this

sticker on my skateboard
if I had a skateboard.

Smell this. I love eraser smell.

I can't believe we
can make our own coins

- and get whatever we want.
- Guys, I love this stuff, too,

but we got to keep a low profile

and try to get called on
every now and then, okay?

So, what are we gonna do?

- (INHALES DEEPLY)
- Never stop buying stuff?

No. We're gonna keep a low profile.

No big-ticket items
and no spending sprees.

-Right. Yup. Got it. Yup.
-Okay, great. Great. Yeah. Got it.

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, whoo-ooh ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah. ♪

And Daedalus tells Icarus,

"Hey, buddy, don't fly

"too high or the sun will melt the wax

on your wings, and you'll fall."
But Icarus gets pretty cocky,

and he flies way up in
the sky, and sure enough,

wax melts, and Icarus
comes tumbling down.

I can't relate to this story at all.

Icarus? More like
"Dumb as a stick-arus."

Let's open that marketplace.

I know that the windup
dolphin costs a lot,

but I have the coins,

and it sure would look badass in my tub.

Bup, bup, bup. Lower shelf only.

- Hello, you.
- Rudy.

Ooh, I hadn't even
noticed that laser pointer.

- Millie.
- MS. PADARO: What can I get

- for you, Rudy?
- Uh...

Three bouncy balls.
That's all we're getting.

- One for each of us. Thank you.
- (MILLIE AND RUDY GROAN)

This is a magical basement wonderland.

♪ I haven't had a space of my own ♪

♪ Since I was a kid ♪

♪ Who knew I could decorate ♪

♪ Like I just did? ♪

♪ Down here, it could be Christmas ♪

♪ Or summer ♪

♪ Donna Summer ♪

♪ 'Cause bedtime is me time ♪

♪ I love Mom, but I need a break ♪

♪ It's a school night,
for frick's sake ♪

TINA AND GENE: ♪ Bedtime is me time ♪

ALL: ♪ Bedtime is me time ♪

♪ Not one bedside table, but two ♪

♪ A book I'm almost a
quarter way through ♪

♪ And that's not
even the best part ♪

♪ A bathroom of my own ♪

♪ I poop like a king ♪

♪ A candle, lemon water ♪

♪ I heard that's a thing ♪

(SUSTAINS NOTE)

♪ 'Cause bedtime is me time ♪

ALL: ♪ Bedtime is me time. ♪

(LAMP CLICKS)

Hey, uh, how you doing today, buddy?

I was a little worried
about you yesterday.

Oh, what, with the dolphin? Pfft.

I didn't cry about it
in the bathtub at all.

Hey, friends. Look who was feeling

a little crafty last night.

- RUDY: Whoa.
- LOUISE: What are you doing?

We have a system. We
have quality control.

You can't just make
more coins on your own.

- Oh, but I did.
- Wow. No offense,

but some of these are really bad.

Oh, no! Some coins aren't
the exact right perfect shape.

- Sue me.
- Millie, that one's basically square.

And I'm pretty sure that's a penny.

Okay, God!

I won't use the really bad ones.

That's all of them.
Okay, new rule, Millie,

no using any of those coins.

I didn't realize today was
bring your mother to school day.

- You guys coming in?
- Yup. Get me to the Greek, right?

Whoa!

(PHONE CHIMES)

"Did you know peppercorns
are actually dried berries?"

Aw. He loves that pepper book.

"You're cute when you read a book."

Hey, if you want to chat with Dad,

I could rest my eyes for a few hours.

Yeah, I think I left the
Dutch oven on in my bed.

I should go check it.

No, no, no. Sorry, I'm
off. We're moisturizing.

- Okay, sure.
- Great.

- (PHONE CHIMES)
- Wait, hold on.

"I think I might need reading glasses."

"Get them. You'll look good.

Like a sexy senior citizen."

Yup. I-I need glasses.

The Hippocratic Oath is named after...

Oops. Did anyone drop a coin? Huh.

- This one looks a little different.
- Millie.

- What the hell?
- Uh, different how?

- The shape's a little funny.
- Like "ha-ha" funny?

I mean, it's... not like
it's counterfeit. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah. No one would do that.

And if it was, I did put in

a little secret security feature.

Security feature? That
sounds, uh, neat. What is that?

When I made my coins, I
baked in a little strip

of aluminum foil, so I'd
know they were mine. See?

Oh. There's no foil.

That's weird. Huh...

Foil.

No foil. Foil.

Foil. No foil.

Wait, someone's making fake coins?

- Looks like it.
- Isn't that, like, bad?

Yes. It's really bad.

Should we call the FBI?

Maybe. No, probably not.

But I want whoever did
this to step forward.

All right. I'll let the
guilty party sleep on it,

and if no one comes forward
tomorrow, then no symposium.

- No what?
- No party.

- (ALL EXCLAIMING)
- My heart!

But what about the
bottomless grape juice?

- Gone.
- What about the baklava for days?

Bakla-not gonna happen.

- Aw, man.
- (OTHERS GROANING) - Oh, crap.

I got to say, I miss the cushions.

Yeah, is it okay to sit on
the couch's skeleton like this?

If you saw my setup in the basement,
you'd agree it's worth it, but

also, let me know if you have any

- blankets you're not using.
- (PHONE RINGS)

Hello? Oh, hi, Rudy. Louise,

- it's for you.
- Um, I'll take it in the kitchen.

Got it. Hello?

Hey, Louise. It's Rudy. Quick question.

Do you think they'll let me
take my stuffed animal to jail

because I can't sleep without Pancake!

No one's going to jail, okay, buddy?

- Hold on, that's the other line.
- I don't think I would

- like the food there.
- Hello?

I think we got to get rid of
Rudy. I think he's gonna talk.

Millie, he's not gonna talk, okay?

He's on the other line, and
he's cool as a cucumber. Hold on.

- Rudy, how we doing?
- I'm freaking out!

Hold on. Hi, Millie.

How's Rudy? He's cracking, right?

He's slightly worried.

He, you know, doesn't want to
ruin the party for everyone.

People can get grape juice

other places in their
life, Louise, it's fine.

Hey, I'm not worried about it,
or feeling guilty about it, at all.

You're not gonna make a peep.
Rudy's not gonna make a peep.

Anyone who makes a peep
gets hit in the head

- with a lead peep.
- Okay, okay, geez.

- You still back there, sweetie?
- Oh, sorry. I might've fallen asleep

- from all the fun we're having.
- You should do what I do,

- use your face as a hand.
- (PHONE RINGS)

- Hi, hon.
- Hey, Lin. What-what are you up to?

Little back rub train
before bed. What about you?

I was just about to go
to sleep, but I thought,

you know, I'd say good night.

Mm. Boy, I just
realized I-I haven't had

my toothbrush in a long time.

Oh, I noticed. Hey, I
could bring it down for you.

You-you want to come here? Now?

Yeah, I want to see what
you've done down there.

Okay. Uh, great. I'll-I'll
see you in a few minutes.

Oh, my God, Linda's coming over.

This place is not ready for company.

Too sad. Too Dixieland-y. Here we go.

- (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
- LINDA: Knock, knock.

Ooh, it's nice down here.

Look at you with the
lights and the stuff.

I feel like I'm in a
dirty basement in Paris.

(GRUNTS) Ooh, it's cold, though.

Yeah, it can get a little chilly.

I've been sleeping with all
the blankets I could find

and three towels.

- Here's your toothbrush.
- Thank you.

I'll put that... here.
Would you like a drink?

I'm making myself a beer in a glass.

Fancy. I'll take a wine in
a glass, if you have one,

and I don't want to
be forward, but I might

get in your bed real
quick 'cause it's freezing.

How about wine that's a
beer? And we share the glass.

And it's not cold.

Everything else here is
cold, but the beer is warm.

- Let's see if I can... (GROANS)
- Oh. Okay.

- All right.
- ... squeeze in here. I'm in.

- Oh! It's tight.
- We're both, we're both in.

- I'm off! Now I'm off.
- We're both in. Oh!

- Now I'm off.
- Let me, let me pull you back up.

I can be off, uh, over here
a little bit. It's fine.

This is nice.

I should come back upstairs, right?

Yeah, you should. I
miss your night farts.

It's always three in
a row. It's comforting.

Yeah, and I miss hearing
your sleep muttering.

Whatever it is you're
saying, you're very emphatic.

I'm not kicking anymore,
by the way. The kids are.

They're kicking me like crazy.

I guess they started fighting back.

Should I, uh, bring
the Christmas lights?

Yeah, and the beer,
and brush your teeth.

Right, right.

MS. PADARO: Okay, everyone.

You had a night to think about it.
Who wants to come forward?

Well, then, unfortunately,

I have to call off the symposium.

- (STUDENTS GROAN)
- Come on!

Just say you did it, whoever
you are. I deserve a party.

I haven't been to one since Saturday.

Yeah, and I'm not allowed to have
grape juice at home, so fess up!

You know, I'm just...
I'm really disappointed,

and the ancient Greeks would be, too.

They believed in ethics,
fairness, justice.

I mean, to be honest,

I don't know if I want
to do this unit again.

- What do you mean?
- It's a lot of work. I mean,

I buy all this stuff with my own money.

It's too much if something
like this is gonna happen.

Oh, uh, well, philosophically,

maybe we should talk this through.

That-That's Greek,
right? Philosophically?

- Yeah.
- Well, speaking of fairness,

whoever made the coins,
I'm just guessing,

maybe they did it because
it wasn't quite fair

the way the coins were being handed out.

I'm just using the Socratic method.

That's not the Socratic method.

Uh, is it not the Socratic method?

That's the Socratic method.

Oh, really? I'm just saying,

I don't know, but I'm imagining
that, whoever did this,

they might have had their hand up a lot

and didn't get called on
because sitting in a circle

is not a great idea
because it's a bad idea.

I mean, is it not a bad idea?

So, hypothetically, this person felt

it was okay for them to make fake coins?

You know, Socrates said
suffering an injustice

does not make it okay
to commit an injustice.

Good to know, good to know.

Um, maybe the people who
committed the injustice

also feel bad about
getting the party canceled

and also kind of really liked the class

and maybe wouldn't want
you to stop teaching it.

And maybe those people didn't
sleep at all last night,

even though they have Pancake.

I don't know, maybe
those people don't feel

any regret at all, just
adrenaline, and that's fine.

Hmm. I guess the rewards
thing can be problematic.

Also, at any given moment, I can't see

half the class, and I'm nearsighted,

and my hearing's not that great.

Maybe this is more ethically
complicated than I thought.

I'm not sure what's happening,

but does that mean
we can have the party?

- Uh, yeah. Okay.
- (STUDENTS CHEER)

I guess we should accept

that we may never get
to the bottom of this.

Louise, Rudy, Millie, will you
see me after class? No reason.

Yup. Yup. Yup.

- Oh, God.
- Not a peep.

- (MUSIC PLAYING)
- (OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

I got it, I got it.

Third time you bumped the
table. (CHUCKLES) Just saying,

but, uh, have fun.

Totally fair punishment, Ms. Padaro.

- Yup.
- I know.

Hey, so my dad has a laser printer.

- I think we can make $ bills.
- Bad influence!

Bad influence!

Pancake, my number one

snuggle pal, this is for you.

♪ Your eyes are on the
same side of your head ♪

♪ You live in the
ocean that is my bed ♪

♪ Uh-huh, Pancake, you found me ♪

♪ And I found you ♪

(GRUNTING RHYTHMICALLY)

♪ I want to thank you ♪

♪ How do I thank you? ♪

♪ I guess by thanking you ♪

♪ Pancake, I thank you. ♪

I know you'd squeeze me back

if you could, buddy. I love you.