05x06 - The Road

[bunniefuu]

(upbeat music)

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan just
give me that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Time Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

(upbeat music)

- Hi Sam.

(coughing)

- Doggone road.

- Hi Fred.

- Doggone road.

- Hi Mrs. Douglas.

(speaks in foreign language)

(coughing)

Hello there.

- Mr. Kimball, do
you have to do that?

- Do what?

- Brush yourself off.

- That's what I'm trying to do.

You know, according
to the regulation 42C

in the county ageneses manual,

a county agent must
present a neat tidy and tidy

appearance at all times.

Or is that 42C?

No, 42C is the one that
forbids a County agent to

engage in politicly activity,
unless his fathers a senator.

Or is that 58D?

- I really...

- It's not easy to
comply with 42B,

if you have to ride around all
day on a dusty County road,

they oughta pave it.

- I agree.

- About what?

- That they should
pave the road.

- When are they
going to do that?

- Oh, for the love of.

- Well, I won't waist
anymore of your time,

just wrap it up and
I'll take it with me.

- Take what?

- That soil sample
you wanted analyzed.

- I gave you that last month.

- You did, what it look like?

- It looked like soil.

- Yes, now I remember.

I sent it to the
department in Washington.

- What happened to it?

- Oh, they refused it.

Well, they didn't refuse it,

they just didn't believe it.

- Mr. Kimball...

- I got a very interesting
report back from them,

yup, they found that
your soil is composed

of five percent dirt, 95
percent dust, and two rocks.

Which they weren't
interested in.

- Oh, you dirty...

- They wanted
me to find out what

kind of cactus you
were growing here.

- I'm not raising cactus,
I'm raising tomatoes.

- Mr. Douglas, you
think you know more

than the department
of agriculture?

Do you realize that
back there in Washington

we have a tall thin building?

No that's the
Washington Monument.

But across the street is, no,

that's a Smithsonian Institute.

- Mr. Kimball, why
don't you to them

and find out
exactly where it is?

- Say, that's a good idea.

Well, I certainly am glad I
dropped by and talked you you.

(upbeat music)

(coughing)

- Lisa, it's stifling in here,

why don't you open the windows.

- Because the dust
blows in from the road.

- What happened
to our electric fan?

- You mean the one
that went like this?

- Yeah that's the one.

- It doesn't go like this
anymore, it's broken.

- Well, what happened to it?

- Well, the blades
broke when I used it

to slice the bananas
with the shells on.

- The shells, you
mean the skins?

- Well, whatever they
had on, it broke the blades.

- You're not suppose
to slice bananas with

an electric fan.

- What's the sense of having a

kitchen appliance
if you don't use it.

- Yeah, that makes good...
- Is lunch ready?

- Yes, I cooked some cold cuts.

- How do you cook cold cuts?

- I took some hot cuts and
put them in the refrigerator.

- That's logical.

- What's logical about it?

- I'm just trying
to be friendly.

- Well, you're not succeeding.

Where are the cold cuts?

- Well, you were late
coming in so, I put them in

the stove to heat them up,

so I could fresh
cold them for you.

- Don't look at me, I don't
know anything about cooking.

- Well, that's a hard one.

They're still cold, I
forgot to light the stove.

- They'll be fine this way.

Hey, why don't we eat
outside under the tree,

it'll be a lot cooler.

- How does that grab
you, oh lord master?

- Fine.

- Good, I wouldn't want
to arouse your eyes sire.

- Just take the stuff outside.

- Allow me.

- Why don't you get some
bread and we have sandwiches?

- Yes, so, where is it?

- At Drucker's store.

(upbeat music)

(oinking)

- Arnold wants to know if he
can have a bottle of soda pop.

- Help yourself.

It's your move.

- Well, let me see.

(oinking)

- Get out of there Arnold,
you'll melt all the ice!

(oinking)

- Well, how's he gonna
get the soda pop?

- Well, I'll get it for him.

- Good afternoon gentleman.

- [Drucker] Hi Mr. Douglas.

- Howdy.

(oinking)

What's he doing in there?

- Trying to get a soda pop.

(oinking)

He wants to know
if you want one.

- Oh, no thanks.

(oinking)

- He says he'll treat.

- No, no thanks, I just
want a loaf of bread.

- I'll get it for ya.

- Sit down, it's your move.

- Oh, well.

(oinking)

- Mr. Douglas, Arnold
wants you to open it for him.

- I'll open it for him.

- Sit down, it's
your move again.

- Well, there's an
opener on the counter.

- Hi Sam.

(coughing)

- Doggone it I forgot to tell
Mr. Douglas to close the door!

- Sit down, it's
your move again.

- Well, I don't want
anymore dust blowing in here.

- Arnold will close the door.

Arnold, close the door.

(oinking)

You want him to lock it?

- Now how could he
possibly... (oinking)

- He wants his soda pop.

- Huh?

(oinking)

What's the matter,
you want a glass?

- No, he wants a straw.

- Oh for the love of.

- There's some on the counter.

(upbeat music)

- There.

(slurping)

- Have you been bothered by
much dust over to your place?

- Oh, we certainly have.

You know, I think we
ought to get up a petition

to have that road paved.

- We did that.

- Oh yeah, the road department
appropriated the money

we're all set to go.

- Oh, I'm glad to hear that.

When did that happen?

- 20 years ago.

- It was 25.

- 25!

- Come to think of it, it's 30.

30, look gentleman, if the
money was appropriated

30 years ago, why haven't
you done something about it?

- Well, by the time we're
real annoyed with the dust

it's winter and we get
annoyed by the mud.

- Well, it seems to me if the

whole thing was approved,
they should pave the road.

- Approved the money
for a dirigible mast too

and they haven't built that.

- What would you need
a dirigible mast for?

- We thought one might
land here sometime.

- That's ridiculous.

(slurping)

- Stop slurping.

- I don't understand you people,

you let everybody
walk all over you.

Well, if the money
was appropriated we're

entitled to have the road paved!

Now who can we talk to?

- Well, there's...

- Don't tell him,
or he'll talk to him.

- Why shouldn't I?

- Well, we've had their
approval and appropriation

for 30 years, we
don't want to lose it.

(slurping)

(upbeat music)

- Can you imagine
those clot heads.

- When are we going
to the County seat?

- I never said we were
going to the County seat.

- Well, every time we
talk about those clot heads,

that's where we end
up, the County seat.

- Yes well.

- Unless you talk about
those melon heads,

then we end up
at the state capital.

- I never.

- Then there is the rubber head,

where we end up
at the white house.

- Lisa.

- When it comes to heads,
you've got one for everybody.

- I'm not getting
involved in this.

These people
aren't interested in

doing something for themselves,

then why should I
get involved, huh?

- That's right.

- They never appreciate the
times I went to bat for them.

- Or the times you
struck out for them either.

- If they like their dusty road,

let them keep their dusty road.

Why should I aggravate myself,

I'm just a, just an
outsider to them.

They want me to
mind my own business,

I'm going to mind
my own business.

Oh, those clot heads!

- Give me 10 minutes
to fix my makeup

and we can be on our
way to the County seat.

(sneezes)

(upbeat music)

- Did you say that the
money to pave this road was

appropriated 30 years ago?

- That's right.

- He also said you
were a clot head.

- I beg your pardon?

- Lisa, please,
stay out of this.

- Well, I just want to
keep the record straight.

- Would you mind telling
me why you've waited so

long to bring this to
the county's attention?

- I didn't know anything
about it, I wasn't

living in Hooterville
30 years ago.

- I wasn't living any
place 30 years ago,

you see, I'm just 23.

- Lisa.

- Well, if you straighten
out one record,

you have to
straighten them out all.

- Them out all.

- Are you a resident
of this County?

- Yes, I certainly am.

I pay taxes...

- Yes, yes, a lot of people
say they're tax payers

but when we check up on them,

we find they're
nothing but delinquents.

- He's too old to
be a delinquent.

- Look Mister...
- Gordan.

- You're not related to
Laszlo Gordon, are you?

- No, I...

- No, you couldn't
be, you're too tall.

He was just a tiny little fella.

- Lisa, please.

- Now, about the road.

- I don't think I can help you.

- Why not?

- Well, in the first place
you're in the wrong office.

- Isn't this the County
road department?

- Oh, no, they
moved that last week.

- But the name is on the door!

- They're moving that next week.

- Oh, those melon heads!

- Okay, let's go
to the state capital.

(upbeat music)

- Mr. And Mrs. Douglas,
come in, come in,

always glad to meet
my constituents.

- What's a constituent?

- Somebody who voted for him.

- Well, I didn't vote for him.

(clearing throat)

Well, you didn't
vote for him either.

I remember you said
you wouldn't vote for

a melon head like him if were...
- Lisa.

- Senator, Senator, you
look very familiar to me.

Didn't I see you
someplace before?

- Well I...
- I know!

You were on the late,
late, movie the other night.

He was dancing
with Shirley Temple.

- No, that was George Murphy.

- Who?

- He's the United
States senator now.

- Oh, you must be the fellow
that was in Death Valley Days.

- No, that was Ronald Reagan.

- Who?

- Ronald Reagan, he's
the Governor of California.

- Well, then, which
movie star are you?

- Lyle Tallbot.

- Oh, I guess I never saw you.

- Lisa, please.

Senator, we live in Hooterville
and we need your help.

- Well, if you live in Hooterville
you do need my help.

- Now what kind of a
job are you looking for,

you're domestics,
you work as a couple?

- Oh no.

- Wait a second, let's find
out how much the job pays.

- We're not looking for a job.

I'm a farmer.

- Oh, you want some free seed.

- No, I...

- Wait a second, you blew the
job, now don't blow the seed.

- Lisa, please, will
you stay out of this.

Look Senator, we're here
to talk to you about our road.

- Oh, did I promise you a road?

- No, we have a road.

- And you want another one?

- No, we just want the
one we have paved.

- You see, the dust comes
in through the windows.

- I'm sorry but the
County has used up

its entire road appropriation.

- The money for this was
appropriated 30 years ago,

it's never been used.

- That's very unusual.

Did you talk to the
County road department?

- I talked to a man
named Gordon.

- Yes, he was in
the right office but

it didn't have his door moved.

- He didn't have his...

- The point is, the
money is there,

the road needs paving.

Now, what are you
going to do about it?

- Well, I'll look
into it immediately.

- So, I give all the
facts to send it to Talbot

and he promised he'd
give us some action.

- Well, I think
that's wonderful.

Don't you Fred?

- I'm reserving judgment
on this till we see

just how bad this things
gonna work out for us.

- Why should it work out badly?

- Because, every time
you put in your two cents,

it ends up costing us four.

- Mr. Ziffel.

- No offense intended,

I'm just speaking
from bitter experience.

- Fred, instead of
insulting Mr. Douglas,

you ought to be thanking
him for what he did for us.

- We don't know what he did yet.

- I didn't do anything.

- Then why should I thank you?

- Look, I don't know what
you're all so worried about.

All they're going to
do is pave the road.

Now, what could
possibly go wrong?

- Mr. Douglas, Mr, Douglas!

Mr. Douglas!

- I'm in here.

- Oh, when did you come in?

- I've been here all the time.

- Are you sure?

- Of course I'm...

- Oh, you should see
what's going on at the Ziffel's.

- What?

- Oh, did you find Mr. Douglas?

- Yeah, there he is.

- Oh, when did you come in?

- What's going
on at the Ziffel's?

- I don't know, I wasn't there.

- I was, holly, golly,
you wouldn't believe it.

There's a man over
there with a big bulldozer

and he's gonna knock
down their house.

- Why?

- He says it's in the
way of the new road.

- What new road?

- The one you ordered.

- I didn't order a...
- Well somebody did.

You better grab your
civil defense helmet

and get over there.

This is w*r.

- Mister will you
put the g*n down?

- Not till you get
off of my property.

- [Bulldozer Operator]
I'm only doing my job.

- Fred can't I get up?

- No.

- He might run me over.

- He aint gonna run over you,

he don't want a take a chance
on ruining a good bulldozer.

- What's going on here?

- Oh, Mister Fix It, I'm
glad you'd come over,

save me from going
over to a place to sh**t ya.

- Don't point that at me.

- Oh, nice seeing
you Mrs. Douglas.

- Oh, hello there Mrs. Ziffel.

Well, what are you
doing down there?

- Fred's using me as
a human roadblock.

Fred, can't I get up?

- No.

- What's this all about?

- I got orders from the
County road department

to knock this house down.

- Why?

- According to
these specifications,

we're suppose to straighten
out the curve back there

and run the road
right through here.

- No, no, we don't want
the road straightened,

we just want it surfaced.

- Mack, all I know is,
some crumb head went

up to the state capital and

raised a big stink about this.

- I didn't go, I am
not a crumb head.

Now, you look here,
you can't just show up

and level a person's home!

The state has to condemn
it first and then buy it!

- It was condemned.

- When?

- 30 years ago.

- What?

- I'm wasting my time.

- Hey!

- Fred!

- Don't worry Doris,
he just bluffing.

- Suppose he aint.

- That's a chance
we'll have to take.

- Lady, you aint
accomplishing nothing.

All I got to do is back
up and go around.

- [Lisa] I wouldn't
do that if I were you.

- Lady, get up.

- Yeah Mrs. Douglas,
you could get hurt.

- Well, what about me?

- Lie down Doris.

- Look, I'll go to court
and get a restraining order

against those melon heads.

- Well, back to
the state capital.

(upbeat music)

- Mr. Douglas.

- Mr. Haney, I can't
talk to you now,

we're leaving for
the state capital.

- That's why I'm here,

to keep you from
making a fool of yourself.

For which there
will be no charge.

- Well, that's very
nice of you but I...

- Now, shall we get to the part

for which there
will be a charge?

- Whatever you're
selling, I'm not interested.

- Then would you sign this?

- What is it?

- It's a document
releasing me from

responsibility for
your jail sentence.

- What jail sentence?

- The one you're
going to get for

punching Senator
Talbot in the nose.

- I have no intention
punching him.

- Nobody goes
to the state capital

with the intention of
punching their state senator

but it happens all the time.

- Believe me Mr. Haney,
I am not going to lay

a finger on him.

- You mean you're
just going to sit there

whilst he sneers
at you and tells you

that there's nothing he can do

about knocking down
Fred Ziffel's home.

- Nobody is going to
touch Mr. Ziffel's home.

I got the judge to issue
a restraining order.

- Senator Talbot can
un-restrain that judge.

Unless you will still avail
yourself of the services

of the big Joe Haney.

- Big Joe Haney?

(shushes)

- That aint a name
to body about.

- Body...

- Now for a slight fee, I
will call cousin Big Joe

and have him greeze
the Senator for you.

- Mr. Haney, I think
I'm perfectly capable of

greasing the Senator myself.

- Well, I don't think you've
got the stomach for it.

- But your cousin
Big Joe does, huh?

- Yep, he weighs 400 pounds.

That's why they
call him Big Joe.

(laughing)

- Well, thank you
very much for the offer

but I don't anticipate
any trouble.

- Well, in case you find
the tide running against you,

just drop by cousin
Big Joe's hotdog stand,

at the corner of Main and
Elm and ask for a mustard

with a hotdog on it.

- Mustard with a...

- That's a password, Big
Joe will know that I sent you

and he'll put a bug
in the Governor's ear.

- The Governor?

- Yeah, drops by Joe's
stand everyday for a hotdog

and that's when cousin
Big Joe does his lobbying.

- Thank you very much but...

- Now, I'll handle the financial

arrangements from this end.

So, don't pay Big
Joe for nothing

but the hotdog.

- Oliver, Oliver, I'm ready.

- Mrs. Douglas, may
I be the first the wish

you and your husband a bon
of a voyage to the state capital.

- Oh, thank you.

- And don't forget
cousin Big Joe.

- Who is that?

- Oh, that's some shady
relative of Mr. Haney's

and we're suppose to
mention to the senator,

in case we get into trouble.

- Mr. Douglas, I'm sorry
but there's nothing I can do.

- But Senator.

- May I remind you that
you're the one who came

in here and brought the
whole matter to my attention.

Is that correct?

- That's correct.

- Lisa, the Senator
was talking to me.

- Oh, well, was
what he said correct?

- Yes.

- You were correct
about your correct.

- I've gone to a great
deal of trouble to find

the records and to
activate the project.

It will be done just as it
was planned 30 years ago.

The road will be
paved and straightened.

- But if you do that you'll

have to tear down
Mr. Ziffel's house.

- According to this, Mr. Ziffel
doesn't own the house,

the state purchased it 30
years ago for 150 dollars.

- 150, it's worth
100 times that today.

- Well, I'm sorry but he sold it

and we've been letting
him live there for the

past 30 years without
charging him rent.

- Well, that's darn nice of you.

- I think it's nice of them too.

- I didn't mean it
was nice of them.

- Well, that's what you said.

- I was just being sarcastic.

- Well, next time put
out a sign or something.

- Lisa, will you
please stay out of this.

Senator, I'm sure Mr. Ziffel
would be glad to give you

back the 150 dollars you
paid him for the house.

- Mr. Douglas,
what kind of a stupid

state do you think this is?

To sell a house worth
15,000 dollars for 150.

- That wouldn't be very smart.

- If you don't keep quiet
I'm going make you sit out in

the outer office
and read some of

the Senator's dull speeches.

- Dull?

Now see here.

- May I say something?

- What?

- Big Joe Haney.

- Big Joe Haney, you know him?

- Yes, he's the cousin
of a friend of ours.

- Why didn't you say
so when you came in?

I'm sure everything can be
arranged to your satisfaction.

The road will be
resurfaced and Mr. Ziffel

will get his house
back for exactly

what the state paid him for it.

- Well, thank you,
thank you very much.

- And as soon as we've
finished work on the road,

I'll see to it that
construction starts

on your dirigible mast.

- I can't, I just
can't believe it.

- Believe what?

- Well, that Mr. Haney
finally told us

something that was halfway true.

- That is like my father used
to say, you show me a man

who's all bad and I'll
show you my brother in-law.

- I just can't get over the
way the Senator changed

when you mentioned
Big Joe Haney.

I wounder what he's got on him.

- Hotdogs.

- What?

- You see, I think the
way Big Joe works,

he got the Senator
hooked on hotdogs

and if he doesn't do
what he wants him to do,

he cuts off his supply.

- He cuts off...

- There is nothing
worse than having a

hotdog monkey on your back.

- Mr. Douglas, guess what!

The town's taking
up a collection for you

for getting the road paved.

- They are?

- Yeah, they're going to
all the farms in the valley

collecting chicken feathers.

And Mr. Ziffel's
donating the tar.

- Tar and feathers?

- Isn't that nice.

- What?

- It's the only thing
they could think of

since Mr. Eddman left
town, he was the only one

who knew how to
make a hangman's knot.

- What are you
talking about, why,

why should they
be angry with me?

- Oh, I guess you didn't
hear about the assessment

to pay for paving the road.

- They've already
appropriated the money.

- Yeah 7,000 dollars,
but that was 30 years ago.

Today it's going to
cost 22 million dollars.

- What?

- Mr. Ziffel's share
is eight million,

Mr. Drucker's seven
million 500 and

yours is 10 million 200.

- 10, well, they're not
going to get away with this.

I'll have a talk with
those bobble heads.

- Well, then I have to buy
a whole new wardrobe.

- What for?

- Well if you're going
to the white house,

I can't wear these rags.

(upbeat music)

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