05x07 - Four of Spades

[bunniefuu]

(country music)

♪ Green acres is the place to be

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me

♪ Land spreadin'
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan just
gimme that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darlin' I love you
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

(upbeat music)

- Well Clyde, what's
your pleasure?

- Mm?

- How 'bout a game of gin rummy

with five dollars a point.

- No thanks.

- Start poker with
the Jacks, the Kings

and the Queens and Deuces,

and the three of hearts, right?

- I don't think so.

- How 'bout strip poker?

You know.

When you lose, you have to
take off some of your clothes?

- Look, if I wanna
get undressed,

I don't have to
play cards to do it.

- Well, I just wanted
to make it sporty.

- Lisa, I'd like to read.

- All right darling.

You read, and I
tell your fortune.

- Fine.

- Well.

I see nothing but
unhappiness for you.

You've got an executive
producer in your future.

- What?

- Of course, things don't
look too good for him either.

Because he has two
written bys following him.

- Written by, what are you...

- It's getting worse.

Now there is a directed
by in the picture.

- Would you mind
telling me what...
- Ah!

Now we're getting somewhere.

Four of spades.

That means that either
a tall stranger is going to

come and visit you,

or you're going to
lose all your teeth.

No no no.

That's seven of clubs.

- Lisa, I wanna read.

I'm not interested
in that nonsense.

- Nonsense?

It's a lucky thing
you're not a Hungarian,

or you'd be in big
trouble with the gypsies.

- Well, that's...

- Do you know what
they do to you for

making fun of fortune telling?

They turn you into a chicken.

- A chick...
- Or a duck, or a goose.

When they get mad,

there's no telling
what they do to you.

They turned a girlfriend
of mine into a rabbit.

She's working in the
Playboy Club in Budapest.

- Good night Lisa.

- Good night.

(upbeat music)

- Douglas!

Mr. Douglas.

Where's Mr. Douglas?

- He's in the barn.

- Thank you!

(upbeat music)

- Of all the silly...

Lisa, that kid is...

- Oh, Mr. Douglas.

I looked for ya out in the barn,

but you weren't there.

- Of course not.

- Eb got a letter.

- Oh great.

May I have some coffee?

- Don't you wanna know
who the letter's from?

- Okay, who's it from?

- Can I have some coffee, too?

- Yes, get a cup and saucer.

- Okay, now then.

Where were we?

- I haven't the faintest idea.

- Oh, I remember.

I told ya I got a letter,

and you were beggin' me
to tell you who it was from.

- No, I wasn't...

All right.

Who's it from?

- You will never believe it.

It's from Tadpole Talbot.

- You're right.

I don't believe it.

- Tadpole and I grew up
together in Stakewell Falls.

- What do you
take in your coffee?

- Cream and sugar.

- We lived right next
door to each other.

His mother used to
borrow stuff from my mother,

and my mother used
to borrow stuff from his.

That's how we got my sister.

- It's gonna be
one of those days.

What is that?

- Cream and sugar.

- Where's the coffee?

- Well, I haven't made it yet.

- Well then why did you put the

cream and the sugar in the cup?

- I didn't want to forget it.

- Uh huh.

- Guess what Tadpole
says here in his letter?

He's comin' to visit me!

- The four of spades.

You see, Oliver?

The cards are always right.

They said that a tall
stranger is coming to visit you,

and he's coming.

- He's not coming to visit me,

he's coming to visit him.

- Well I'm your son,

so that's close enough.

- You are not my son.

- Well, whatever I am,

is it okay if he shares
my room with me?

- Would you like to
have some more coffee?

- You haven't made any yet.

- Well, when I do, Would
you like to have some more?

- Please.

- Imagine.

After all these years, I'm
gonna see Tadpole Talbot.

(upbeat music)

(slow music)

- What the... What is that?

- It's Tadpole's
travelin' house.

He's here!

- And you said there was no
such thing as a four of spades.

- Oh, will you stop
talking about...

- Boy, you oughta see
the inside of this thing.

Tadpole's got everything in it.

A kitchen, a livin' room,

a dining room, bedroom.

(water dripping)

And a shower.

- You mean, he's taking a...

- No, he's washin' his clothes.

(water pouring)

I think he's on spin dry.

- Of all the...
- What are all those wires?

- Oh, I plugged him into
our life support system.

The one on top is the telephone.

This is electricity.

And this one goes
to his stock ticker.

- Stock ticker?

- Yeah.

He has a direct line to the
floor of the stock exchange.

Or is the floor of
the stock yard?

Well, whatever it is,

he sure has hit it big.

- What does he do?

- Didn't you see his sign?

Oh, I forgot to unfurl it.

(silly music)

- [Oliver] "The Original
Tadpole Talbot".

- Oh, that's what he does.

- You mean, he makes
a living out of being

the Original Tadpole Talbot?

- He sure does.

- Howdy!

- Oh Original, I want you
to meet my mom and dad.

- We're not your mom and...

- It sure is good to see
my little old pal Eb again.

You know, me and him used
to live next door to each other.

- Yeah, I was tellin'
'em how my ma used

to borrow stuff from your ma.

- That's right.

Oh by the way, did she
ever return my sister?

- I'm sure she did.

If your ma ever returned
the sugar she borrowed.

- You know I owe a lot to Eb.

If it wasn't for him, I
wouldn't be what I am today.

- What are you?

- He's the Original
Tadpole Talbot.

- I gathered as much.

- As much what?

- Oh Original, your
ticker's running.

- Oh, I'll answer it later.

Yep, if old Eb
here hadn't said no

when I asked him
to lend me 35 dollars

to go to fingerprintin' school,

I'd never be where I am today.

- Just where are you?

- He's only the
biggest recording star

on the Connubial label.

- Recording star?

- Connubial label?

- Yeah, you oughta see the list

of hit songs
Original's recorded.

Hey, what were some of 'em?

- Oh I guess my
first big one was,

I've Got a Right
to Drink the Booze.

- I've Got a...

- That was a protest song
against the Temperance League.

- How come you didn't know that?

- I followed that one up with
Tiptoe Through the Barnyard.

- Oh, that must've been a smash.

- Not as big as I Grease
my Fliver with Chicken Liver.

- They sound fabulous,

but what has he done lately?

- I just recorded a new song,

and it's gonna be a big seller.

It's called the Four of Spades.

- Bingo!

You see Oliver?

The cards are always right.

- Cards, ma'am?

- You were in my
husband's fortune.

Right after the directed by.

You see, I...
- Whoa whoa, wait a second.

Maybe he wants to ask
you about the directed by.

- No ma'am.

- Well anyway, I turned over
the four of spades, and I...

- Lisa, Lisa, it's getting late.

Maybe you'd better
start dinner, hm?

- All right.

Would you like
to stay for dinner?

- Oh, that's mighty
neighborly of you ma'am.

I'll see you in a little while.

- I guess he's going in
to answer his stock ticker.

(water pouring)

No?

I guess he's going
in to take a shower.

(upbeat music)

- You mean, people
actually buy records?

Like that, what was that,

I Grease my Fliver
with Chicken Liver?

- They sure do.

Well that's pure Americana.

- Sounds like pure...

- Kicked poked
records sale like crazy.

You oughta hear him sing.

- Oh, I'd love to.

- Eb, could you set up
my electronic guitar for me?

- Yeah, I'd like to, but I
gotta clear off the table.

- No no no. I'll do it.

- Oh here, let me
help you ma'am.

- No thank you.

I have a system.

(goofy music)

(dishes breaking)

- That's her system.

- Yeah, but what hap...

- Oh, after a while,
you get used to it.

- That sure was a
fine supper ma'am.

Them hot cakes was scrumptious.

- Those, I never got used to.

- Would you like to have
some more cream and sugar?

- No thank you ma'am.

Sure beats drinkin' coffee.

(dishes breaking)

- Did you and Eb
really grow up together?

- Yes sir.

Why, we was bosom buddies.

A beggin' your pardon ma'am.

- That's all right.

- You know?

I owe Eb an awful lot.

(dishes breaking)

That's the reason I
came back to visit him.

I've just got to show my
appreciation to him in some way.

- Why don't you give
him a lot of money?

- Lisa.

- I thought about
doin' that, ma'am.

But that ain't true Americana.

(dishes breaking)

- Oh I don't think
anybody'd mind if

you were a little unpatriotic.

- Well, I've got another idea.

- I brought in all
your stuff, Tad.

- Oh, thank you!

- Well, shall we repair
to the living room

for the evening's musicale?

(upbeat music)

(guitar music)

- Doggone it!

- Didn't I set it up right?

- Ah, it looks that way.

- Oh, you didn't plug her in!

- Oh, sorry.

(electric guitar playing)

- There we are.

Guess I better tune
her up a little bit.

(electric guitar playing)

- I haven't seen
anything like that since the

warden threw the
switch on George Raft.

- I think she's all right now.

- What are you gonna play?

- I'd like to hear
The Four of Spades.

- Pleasure ma'am.

(light bulb crashes)

♪ I set my weekly poker
game starin' at my hand

♪ I said to myself
if I get an ace

♪ Now wouldn't that be grand

♪ But instead I ♪ I
got the four of spades

♪ I got the four of spades

(light bulb crashes)

♪ I got the four of spades

♪ The four of
spades is what I got

(light bulb breaks)

- You're blowing the...

♪ I picked up four lovely hearts

♪ I almost had a
flush ♪ I said to myself

♪ Now one more heart

♪ Wouldn't that be
lush ♪ But instead I

(light bulb breaks)

- It's getting dark in here.

- Naturally, he's
blowin' all the...

♪ I got the four of spades

(light bulbs breaking)

- Hey, will ya s...

♪ I got the four of
spades (clock blows up)

♪ I got the four of spades

♪ The four of
spades is what I got

(lights blow out)

(goofy music)

(upbeat music)

- Doesn't that Tad
boy sing beautifully?

- Oh, he's a real fuse blower.

- Anyway, I...
(knock at the door)

- [Eb] Mr. Douglas!

Mr. Douglas, can I come in?

- Yes, come in!

(silly music)

Eb, will you watch it?

- Guess what?

Tadpole offered me a job.

- Well, isn't that wonderful?

- I'm gonna travel
around with him

all over the country,

and help him plug his songs.

He's gonna teach me show
business from the inside.

- And you said he would
never amount to anything.

- We're leavin' in the morning,

so I just came in to
get my severance pay.

- You're not entitled
to severance pay.

- Well, you just took all
the heart out of this moment.

- Well, I'm very...

- I hate to leave you this way.

I don't know what's
gonna happen to the farm

with me not around to keep
you from makin' stupid mistakes.

- I'll manage.

- Then I guess this is goodbye.

- Oh, goodbye Eb (kisses hand).

- Goodbye Dad.

- I'm not your dad.

Goodbye.

And good luck.

- Would you like to
give me your blessing?

- It's not necessary.

- Then hail and farewell.

Or as somebody once said,

I'm makin' a small step for man,

and a big leap for mankind.

(goofy music)

- Oh brother.

- I hope he knows
what he's doing.

- Why should he start now?

- I wonder what the
future holds for him.

- I haven't the faintest idea.

- Well, if you get
me a deck of cards,

I'll tell you.

- Good night.

(rooster crowing)

Where's the milk pail?

- What does it look like?

- It's a pail.

- Well, if you remember
where you put your things.

- No I didn't put
it away, Eb did.

- Oh, I miss him.

The old place just
doesn't seem the same

without the platter
of his little feet.

- The platter of hi...

- Yes, he used to
always sing and whistle.

Of course, not at the same time.

- No no.

- Oh, I wish Eb would come back.

- He's only been gone an hour.

- Well I am worried about him.

I was looking through the
cards this morning, and...

- Maybe Eb left it
in the barn, huh?

(upbeat music)

What the?

- Morning, Mr. Douglas.

- Oh, Mr. Haney...

- Can I interest you
in a ride in a ricochet?

- A ricoch... You mean, a...

- Just climb right in.

- Wait, I don't want...
- Chop chop, Chang.

- Stop this thing!

I don't want to...
(Chinese music)

- That sure ain't the fastest
form of transportation.

- Mr. Haney, how did you get...

- Now, if you'll just
give the driver a tip,

I'll take care of
whatever's on the meter.

- I'm not giving him...
- Chop chop, Chang.

- Where did you get a thing...

- He's just one of the
many types of workers,

as furnished by the
Haney Employment Service.

(Chinese music)

Chang read this ad of mine,

as it appeared in an issue
of the Grand Coolie Gazette.

- The Grand Coolie?

Have you no shame?

- Not much.

Chang came to me knowin'
that I would be able to

find him suitable employment.

Our motto, as you can
read on the bottom line,

is We Fit the Man to the Job.

Or we vice versa him.

- Well, that's the s...

- Now, knowing that Eb
has left you to become

a big recording star.

- He's not gonna
be a recording star.

- Well, be that as whomsoever,

it's obvious that you need
somebody to replace him.

- I don't wanna replace him.

- You will, when
you find out what the

Haney Employment
Service can offer you.

Now in order to
fulfill our slogan,

of fittin' the man to the job,

I use the services of
the Haney computatator.

- I believe the
word is computer.

- That is correct.

But my machine is a
combination of an old computer,

and a new potato peeler.

Hence, computatator.

- There must be somebody
I can complain to about you.

- As you know, all computatators
work on the principle

of the punch card.

I have here a card.

- Look, I've got to get...

- Now, if you would just
answer a few simple questions,

I'm sure we can come up with
just the right person for you.

- I told you, I don't want...

- Since this job
calls for a man,

we'll punch this
little box under male.

Now, just what do we
want this male man to do?

- I don't want...
- Chop wood,

(punches card)

milk the cows, (punches card)

feed the chickens,
(punches card)

fix the tractor, (punches card)

and other assorted duties.

(punches card)

- Mr. Haney, you're
just wasting your...

- Now, about the salary.

Shall we say 300 dollars a week?

- Three hundred...

- And just how many hours
a day would he have to work

for this pityance?

Eight?

(punching card)

Now there's just
one more question

that I'm obliged to ask you,

by the labor department
of this sovereign state.

Do you keep your
liquor locked up?

- That's none of your...

- Let me give you a no on that.

It'll make it easier
to find somebody.

There you are.

I believe this will give
you a good picture

of the man for this job.

(audience laughing)

- I'm afraid not.

He looks a little punchy to me.

(audience laughing)

- It's no wonder Eb took
that big leap for mankind.

(upbeat music)

(country music)

- Oh yeah.

A postcard did come
in from Eb this mornin'.

- Oh good, we haven't heard
from him ever since he left,

over a week ago.

- Oh here it is.

Ain't that a pretty picture

of the Muckolucky
County Courthouse?

- Well, I can't tell from here.

- Oh sorry.

Will you look at that?

Kid's really
squanderin' his money.

Used a five cent stamp
to mail a penny postcard.

- That's what it costs now.

- It does?

When did they raise the rates?

- A few months ago.

- Doggone it.

That must be what
was in that letter I lost

from the Postmaster General.

- May I please have that?

Well let's see.

Dear folks, yesterday I...

I can't read his writing.

- Who's writing can't you read?

- No, I can't read Eb's writing.

- Is that all he says?

- No, I mean...
- Maybe I can read it.

Yesterday I spend the
whole day in the country fair

with Tadpole,
plugging his songs.

I love show business,
and I write to you soon.

(country music)

- [Eb] We've been
travelin' day and night,

through all different
kinds of country.

Next week, we'll be
in the Middle West.

- Last week, me and
Tadpole traveled all

through the Middle West.

- You mean like, Visconsin?

- Where is Visonsin?

- In the Middle Vest.

- He doesn't say.

All he says is,

that he's having
a wonderful time,

and Tadpole says he's the
bets plugger he's ever had.

- Good.

- Oh Oliver.

Any mail from Eb?

- Oh yes, another card.

- Oh!

He's in Abalone, Kansas.

- Abilene.

- Where is that?

- It's in the Middle Vest,
right near the second button.

- Oh well, wherever he is,

he's still plugging
away for Tadpole.

(country music)

- [Eb] We left
Abalone last Tuesday,

and I've been workin'
real hard here in Reno.

Next stop, San Francisco.

After that...

- We are going on to Hollywood.

I write you a long
letter from there.

Love, Eb.

- Yeah, that's where it's from.

Hollywood, California.

- Oh!

Imagine our son in Hollywood.

- He's not our son.

- What does it say?

- Send 300 dollars.

(audience laughs)

- Well, that's not
a very long letter,

but it's the
thought that counts.

- The thought? Any boob
can think of asking for $300.

- You wanna send
him a money order?

- I'm not sending him anything.

- Well, if you don't, I will.

The poor boy.

His macaroon d*ed there.

- Yeah, his macaroon.

- Do you know what could
happen to him in Hollywood,

with all those producers
and night clubs,

and girls in bikinis?

- Yeah.

- Then you will
send him the money?

- No.

I'll take it out to him myself.

(audience laughing)

(light music)

- Would you like to
have another sandwich?

- No ma'am.

They fed me on the plane.

- I couldn't tell from the
way you're putting it away.

- I always eat like this

after I've had a
traumatic experience.

- You see Oliver?

He only went one
day in Hollywood,

and he already had
one of those experiences.

- Would you like to hear
what happened to me?

- Yes, we would.

- I can't tell ya.

It's too horrible.

- Well then, why did you ask us?

- I thought you
might like to know.

- If it's too
painful, forget it.

- I might as well tell ya.

You'll go on nagging
me this way until I do.

- Oliver, what are you
nagging him about?

- I'm not na...
- Tadpole misled me.

He told me he was gonna teach me

show business from the inside.

- Well didn't he?

- Yeah.

I was always inside
that mobile motel of his.

Shining his shoes,
pressin' his pants,

doin' his laundry,
cookin' his meals.

- But I thought you were
going to plug his songs.

- Oh I did.

Every time he'd sing a song,

I had to plug in
his guitar for him.

I plugged him in San
Francisco and St Louis,

and Kansas City.

Then we got to Hollywood
and that's when we had the

big blow up.

- What kind of a blow up?

- He was AC and I
plugged him into DC.

I blew out his
guitar, his amplifier,

and three of his fillings.

- Served him right for
taking advantage of you.

- I suppose you want
your old job back?

- Yes sir, but not
at my old salary.

- You expect a raise?

- Why not?

He's got a lot more experience.

- I'm sorry, but I am
not giving you a raise.

- But Mr. Douglas.

- You already owe me $300.

That's why I want a raise,

so's I can pay you back faster.

- That makes sense.

- Not to me.

You can have your old job back,

at your old salary.

- I'm gonna need
another sandwich.

I just had another one of
them traumatic experiences.

- Oh, here's some milk.

(light music)

- The three of diamonds,

the four of hearts,
the six of clubs,

the Queen of spades.

Oooh!

What have we got here?

- We got a husband who's
tryin' to get some sleep.

- Oliver, how can you think
of sleep at a time like this?

- It's 12:30.

That's as good a time as any.

- Aren't you interested
to know what the cards

say about your future?

- I'm only interested in
getting a good night's sleep.

Obviously, I can't get it here.

- You'll be back
covered with plaster.

(wood crashes)

(audience laughing)

The cards are always right.

(upbeat music)

(country music)

- [Zsa Zsa] This has been a
Filmways presentation darling.