05x10 - Oliver's Schoolgirl Crush

[bunniefuu]

(upbeat happy music)

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan just
give me that country side

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

- Oh, pardon me son.

Could you tell me if...

- Golly, if it isn't
Mr. Wurthwaxer the distinguished

principal of
Hooterville high school.

How are ya?

It's good to see ya again!

- Well, yes, it's
good to see you.

- I can tell by the blank
expression on your face

that you don't remember me.

- Well I uh...
- I'm Eb Dawson.

I was in the graduating
class of '61, '62,

'63, '64, and '65.

- Well I'm glad
you finally got out.

- It wasn't easy.

I had to go over the wall.

- Oh, well uh...

- What brings your August
presence to our humble farm?

- Well I wanted to
talk to Mr. Douglas.

- Well if you're trying to get

a contribution for
the school, forget it!

He's the most tightest man.

- Most tightest?

Did you take
english at our school?

- I should hope to kiss
a frog! (knocks on door)

English was my bestest subject.

- Over the wall, hm?

- Oh, hello there.

- Oh, Mrs. Douglas,
I'd like you to meet

an old friend of
mine, Mr. Wurthwaxer.

This is Mrs. Douglas.

- How do you do?

- How do you do? (door slams)

- Don't give up,
sometimes it takes

two or three introductions
to get in. (knocks on door)

Mrs. Douglas, this
is Mr. Wurthwaxer.

- Didn't we meet
somewhere before?

- Well yes, we...

- He wants to talk
to Mr. Douglas.

- Oh, yes, well come on in.

- After you, old buddy.

(audience laughs)

- Oliver, there is
somebody here to see you.

- Hm, huh?

- Oliver this is Mr. Waxworks.

- Wurthwaxer.

- Mr. Waxworks is
principal of Hooterville high.

- Wurthwaxer.

- Eb, haven't you
got some work to do?

- Oh, yes.

Oh Mr. Wurthwax, before I
go I just want to thank you

because if it wasn't for
the schoolin' I got from you,

I wouldn't be where I am today.

- Thank you.

Mr. Douglas, the reason I...

- On second thought, what
have I got to thank you for?

I'm nowhere!

- You're working.

- Yeah, but everybody
else in my class is on relief.

- Out!

(door slams)

- Won't you sit
down Mr. Wixworker.

- Wockwicker.

- No, no, Wackworker.

Oh, Wurthwaxer.

- Well anyway, would you believe

I never went to high school?

I had a private
tutor that used to

come over and toot me every day.

- Toot you?

- Yes, in Hungary girls
don't have to go to school.

- Lisa, I'm sure Mr. Wurthwaxer
didn't come over here

for a report on the
Hungarian school system.

- As a matter of fact
the reason I came over

was to ask if you would
address one of our classes.

- Oh, I'd be glad to.

What do you want
me to talk about?

- Well I meant Mr. Douglas.

You see every semester
we invite people from different

walks of life to
talk to our students

about job opportunities.

Since you're an
attorney we'd like to

have you talk on
law as a profession.

- Well that's very flattering.

- You couldn't have picked a
better man than my husband.

- Well, thank you.

- He worked for one of the
biggest law firms in New York,

Felton, O'Connor, Clay, Blakely,
Harmon, Dillon and Pasteur.

- Uh Lisa, I'm sure the...

- He was doing great
until he made the mistake

of asking Mr. Blakely's
blonde secretary out to lunch,

not knowing that Mr. Harmon
was secretly in love with her,

but that she was
secretly married

to Mr. Fulton who was the boss.

Well naturally, when Mr. Dillon

and Mr. Pasteur
found out about it...

- Lisa you don't have to tell
him the whole sordid story!

- Well I just wanted him to
know what a great big lawyer

you could have become
if you didn't play around

with a blonde secretary.

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Wurthwaxer, if you
still want me to address

your class I'd be happy to.

- Well thank you.

(upbeat happy music)

- Ah, Mr. Kimball.

- Hi, Mr. Douglas.

I'd like to introduce
Mr. uh, uh...

- Dr. Livermore.

- Oh how do you do, doctor?

I'm Hank Kimball.

- Ha ha, yes I'm Oliver Douglas.

I'm very glad to
meet you, doctor.

- Oh, well I'm not a doctor,

but I'm glad to
know you too sir.

- Mr. Kimball.

- I'm just opening my
practice here in Hooterville.

I'm a veterinarian.

- That means he's
an animal doctor.

He treats animals.

Well he doesn't treat 'em,

he charges them
like everybody else.

- Uh, yeah, well.

- Mr. Kimball is taking me
around to meet for farmers.

I'm trying to get
to know everybody.

- Oh, well, I'd like
to talk to you but it'll

have to be some other time
I'm due at Hooterville High

in about half an hour.

- Oh you wouldn't go to
school dressed like that.

Have you got a suit
with bell-bottom pants?

- No, I'm not going to school.

I'm just going to make a speech

on law to one of the classes.

- Oh, are you a lawyer?

- No, I'm a county agent.

What do you do?

- I'm a veterinarian.

- You are?

Boy, you're the second
one I've met today, hm!

- Look if you'll excuse me.

- Where are you going?

- I told you, I'm going
to Hooterville High

to make a speech on
law as a profession.

- Oh, I'm going to make a
speech to them next week

on agriculture as a career.

It's about agriculture
as a career.

- Yeah, that's fine, now...

- I dug up a lot of facts
and figures on that.

Well I didn't dig
'em up, I just sort of.

You know that soy beans
only come in one sex?

- No I didn't.

- Yeah, most
people don't know it.

Matter of fact, most
soy beans don't know it.

But they keep right on
getting married anyway.

- That's very interesting.

- What is?

- That, uh...

- Say do you think
that soy beans might be

a little too racy
for a mixed group?

- Well, I really...

- I talked about the same
subject at the state college.

I used slides there.

They got an x-rating.

- Oh, well I want
to see those slides.

- They're at the
district attorney's office.

- Yes, it's been very
nice meeting you doctor.

- Well it's been nice
meeting you too sir.

And if you ever need
a vet, Mr. Douglas,

be sure to call him.

(upbeat happy music)

- And you'll find that
there are many fascinating

phrases of law
which are open to you.

I practiced corporation law
when I lived in New York City.

That's a very highly
technical kind of law

but I found it very rewarding
and I must say remunerative.

- Mr. Douglas, could
I ask a question?

- Of course.

- If you found law
so removerative.

- Remunerative.

- I know.

Well if it was, why did you
give up law and move out here?

- Oh, that's a question
many people have asked me.

It wasn't that I gave up law.

I gave up living in the city.

I always wanted to be a farmer.

- Well then why did you
buy the Haney place?

- Well...

- Alfred why don't you be
quiet and let Mr. Douglas talk?

- Yes, thank you, thank you.

Oh, the Haney
farm isn't that bad.

There are thousands of
other small farms just like it.

- Only they all have water.

- Yes, well...
- And electricity.

- We have...

- And you don't
have to climb a pole

to answer the phone either.

- Alfred, you're a creep.

- Just children,
please, please please.

As I started to say, I
bought a farm to satisfy

my love for growing things.

Eventually, I plan to
start practicing law again.

Not corporation law, the
kind of law I hope some of you

will one day
practice, rural law.

The law of Abraham
Lincoln, Daniel Webster.

There's a great need for
lawyers in our farm areas.

There's nothing more
gratifying than (bell rings).

Look, I hope you'll all
consider law as a profession.

(door slams)

(upbeat happy music)

Young lady, don't you
have another class?

- Yes sir, but I'd much rather
sit here and listen to you.

- Well that's very kind of you.

- You make law
sound so fascinating.

- Oh?

Well do you have any questions?

- Just one.

- Yes?

- Are you married?

(upbeat happy music)

- How many children
were there in the class?

- Oh, I don't know, 10, 12.

- Did they like your speech?

- Yes, I think that
they, as a matter of fact

one of the students was
very compliment, ment.

(water splashing)

Uh, one of the students was...

- Would you like to
have some lemonade?

- Lemonade, that's
what you're making?

- Well they're
lemons aren't they?

- Yes, but you have
to squeeze 'em.

- No no no, they
stay fresher this way.

- Oh.

- What did you
say to the children?

- Oh, well, I, at first
I introduced myself

to the class, you know?

And then I said...

- Would you rather have
some sauerkrautade?

- Sauerkraut?

Lisa, I thought you wanted
to hear what I said to to class.

- Oh, I'm sorry
darling, go right ahead.

- Well, I told 'em
law is a fascinating...

- Your suit came
back from the cleaners.

- Good.

Law is a fascinating...

- They lost the pockets.

- How could the
cleaner lose the pockets?

- Oh, the cleaners
didn't lose the pockets.

It was the laundry.

- The laundry?

- You see, the pockets
got dirty and I cut them out

and I sent them to the laundry.

- You shouldn't have to do that.

When they dry clean the
suit they dry clean the pockets.

- Not if the pockets
are at the laundry.

- Oh for the love of...
- Hey, Mr. Douglas.

How did your speech go?

- Fine.

- What did you say?

- Well I told the class...

- Oh, before I forget,

your pockets came
back from the laundry.

- I don't believe this.

I just don't believe it.

- What about your
speech, what did you say?

- Oh, he told the children
that law is a fascinating.

- A fascinating what?

- I don't know.

That's all he said.

- Huh, that's not
much of a speech.

- Look if you'd just
let me finish it, huh?

I, I...

- Boy, this is the best
lemonade I ever tasted!

- See.

- But it's not as good
as your sauerkrautade.

- See.

- That's yummy for the tummy.

- See.

- Will you two excuse me?

- Where are you going?

- To sew my pockets
back in my pants.

(upbeat happy music)

(vacuum whirring)

- Oh, hello there!

Mr. Douglas has a
thing for clean porches.

- Then this is his home.

This is where he
practices the law

of Abraham Lincoln
and Daniel Webster.

- Yes, and it's also where he
makes a mess in the bathroom.

- Oh are you his housekeeper?

- Among other things.

- How long have
you worked for him?

- Ever since we were married.

- Oh, you're his wife.

- Yes.

- Funny, somehow I thought he'd

be married to
somebody much younger.

- Up to now it's been
nice talking to you.

- Oh I didn't mean
that you were old.

In fact you're very young
looking for your age.

- All I did was come out
to vacuum the front porch.

- Your husband
spoke to our class.

Oh, he's so brilliant
and fascinating,

so convincing and
debonair and sophisticated

and just plain old dreamy.

- That's my husband,
plain and old and dreamy.

- After hearing him
talk I've decided

to make law my life's work.

Do you think he'd mind if I
asked him a few questions

about how one goes
about becoming a lawyer?

- Oh, I'm sure he'd
be very happy to.

- Is he home?

- Yes, he's in the
bedroom sewing

his pockets back in his pants.

- Sewing his?

- Come on in, come on.

- Thank you.

- Oliver, Oliver!

- Lisa how do you
sew a pocket, oh oh.

- This young lady
wants to talk to you.

- Oh yes, yes, you're uh...
- Kathy Baxter.

- Kathy, yes, of course.

- You remembered my name.

- Oh, yes (laughs) well.

What can I do for you?

- I want to be a
lawyer like you.

- Oh?

When did you decide that?

- After your talk.

- You made law sound so groovy.

- Groovy?

- When Dr. Fletcher spoke
to our class I wanted to be

a psychiatrist but
everybody just,

everybody's a psychiatrist.

But law, that's so uh...

- Groovy.

- That's exactly what
I was going to say.

Isn't it wonderful when
you meet somebody

whose mind works
just like yours?

- Yes, yes.

Lisa, maybe Kathy
would like a cold drink?

- What would you like,
lemonade or sauerkrautade?

- How about a glass of milk?

- Oh, that would be groovy.

- I'll be right back.

- Your wife is charming,
what a delightful accent.

Polish, isn't she?

- No, she's Hungarian.

- Isn't that the same thing?

- Oh, no, not
exactly, it's just...

- Here you are.

There you are.

- Thank you.

Do you think milk
is a childish drink?

- Oh, no, I drink
it quite often.

- You do?

We seem to have so
many things in common.

- Uh Kathy, what
can I do to help you?

- Oh, just tell me everything
you know about law.

- It's very complicated.

- Oh I have plenty of time.

- Well, oh say, I
have a very fine book

over here that might help you.

It's called An
Introduction to Law.

I used it in college.

- Oh, your very own college book

and you're lending it to me?

Oh I'll take very good
care of it I promise.

Oh and I'll bring it right back.

- Oh, no hurry at
all, take your time.

- Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Bye.

- Bye.

- Well, it looks like you have
your first schoolgirl crush.

She's smitten on you.

- Oh, she's not
smitten on me, with me.

How could she be?

She just saw me once.

- Have you ever
been a girl of 16?

- Of course not.

- Well I was, and I remember
how I felt when I was 16.

- How many years were you 16?

- Look, I had enough with
Ms. Groovy without you.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

I guess you Polish
girls are sensitive

about things like that.

- What Polish girls?

- Oh, Lisa.

How about starting dinner?

Let's forget this
whole silly thing.

- Well you can forget
it, and I can forget it,

but believe me she
is not going to forget it.

(dreamy music)

(engine backfiring)

- Hi Kathy.

- Alfred do you have
to be so juvenile?

- Oh, what did I do?

- That car, it's horrible!

- What do you mean?

I just paid six bucks
to have it painted.

- Don't you ever wear a tie?

- What for, we're just
going to the movies?

- Are we?

- Well we had a date.

They're showing a swell
flick, The Atomic Pizza.

- Oh, how infantile.

- Well you liked the
one we saw last week,

The Human Hamburger
Goes to Hawaii.

Come on, let's go.

- I'm sorry but there
are more important

things in life than movies.

- Like what?

- One's career.

- Oh, I see, you're still
on the psychiatrist kick.

- No.

- You've gone back to
being a bacteriologist.

- No.

- A nurse?

- I'm going to be a lawyer.

- Oh that's right,
Mr. Douglas was the last cat

who spoke to our class.

- Why don't you go away,

I have a lot of
intensive reading to do.

- Well what about our date?

- Find some teenager who
will appreciate somebody

with your mentality!

(door slams)

- I'm going steady
with a freak-out.

(upbeat happy music)

- Oliver, Oliver.

- Hm?

- Are you ready?

- Where are we going?

- To the movies.

- What's playing?

- The Atomic Pizza.

- The Atomic...

- It's about this
scientist who is in love

with this Italian girl who
owns her own pizza parlor,

but she doesn't like him
and so to get even with her,

he pours some radioactive
stuff on her pizza.

This makes the pepperonis
grow and before you know it,

the pepperonis rule the world.

- Oh, that sounds
like a real jim dandy.

- It's made by the
same studio that made

The Human Hamburger
Goes to Hawaii.

Remember that?

Where the hamburger
was born with a brain...

- All right, all right, I'll go.

- Oh, you're a good sport.

I'll get your coat.

(knocking)

- Mr. Douglas.

- Oh, it's...
- I hope I'm not intruding.

- Well we were just about...

- I finished your book.

- I just gave it to
you this afternoon.

- I couldn't put it down
it was just darling.

- Darling?

- Coming, sweetheart!

- Oh, I wasn't darling you.

- Hello, Kathy.

- Mrs. Douglas, don't
you look just beautiful

with all that makeup on.

- I should have
stayed in the bedroom.

- Mr. Douglas, I have so
many questions to ask you.

What college do you
think I should go to?

- Well Kathy, we were
just about to leave.

We're going to the movies.

- What movie were
you going to see?

- Atomic Pizza.

- Oh, I've been
dying to see that.

I begged Alfred
to take me but...

- Well, why don't
you come with us.

- Oh no, I'm sure
she wouldn't care to...

- Oh, I'd adore to.

- Well wouldn't you
have to call your parents?

- Mr. Douglas I'm not a child.

I have my own house
key and everything.

- Well, then let's go.

- Lisa, why did you have to...

- If you're going to
break up a crush,

let her get a good look
at you eating popcorn.

- How come you sent to
see that movie with him

but you wouldn't
go to see it with me?

- I don't have to
explain anything to you.

- We're going steady aren't we?

- Steady, how childish.

- You didn't think
it was very childish

when I gave you my class pin.

- Well you may have it back.

- Oh, not again.

Every time somebody
talks to our class

you end up with a crush
and I get my pin back.

- This is not a crush.

This time it's the real thing.

- Oh boy, you stole
that line right out of

The Human Hamburger.

- Alfred will you please
go about your business?

- I certainly will!

(engine roars)

(engine backfires)

(upbeat happy music)

- Hello there.

- Oh, does
Mr. Douglas live here?

- Yes.

- What are you, his daughter?

- Ooh, what a nice young man.

Come on, come on in.

- My name is Alfred Newton.

- I'm Lisa Douglas.

- Oh, what a way-out name.

- You dig it, huh?

- Can I speak to your father?

- Why you're getting
nicer every minute.

Darling, there is
somebody here to see you.

- Who are you calling?

Oh, hello.

- Papa, this is Alfred Newton.

- Uh, yes yes, you were that...

- You must feel
pretty proud of yourself

getting Kathy to fall for you.

- Well I didn't...

- You should be
ashamed of yourself!

How would you like
it if your daughter

went out with a
man as old as you?

- My daughter!

- Give the groovy boy
a blank check, papa.

- Look will you stop
calling me papa.

This is my wife!

- Oh, you sure like
'em young don't ya?

- Look!

- I bet she's not
much older than I am.

- Mm, maybe three years.

- Lisa will you...

- What does Kathy see in you?

- Oh, she thinks he's
brilliant, fascinating,

debonair, sophisticated.

- And plain old dreamy?

- Well, yes, yes.

- That's what she said
about all the other guys

that talked to our class.

The doctor, the biologist,
the psychiatrist, the engineer.

I never saw it to fail.

She gets a crush on
any one of you old guys.

And so far you're the oldest.

- Now, look you little!

- Try the counting
bit, one two three four.

- Alfred, I'm not
interested in your girlfriend!

- Well she's hung up on you,
and you better do something

about it because there's
a big prom coming up

and I don't want to
have to take my brother!

(door slams)

- What now, old man?

- Now stop calling me...

- Well I guess what it
sows for your gander

isn't good for your goose.

- What does that mean?

- Well, what are
you going to do now?

- I don't know.

What do you do
about a kid that falls

for every old man that, I mean
every man that lectures to...

Yeah.

- What does that mean?

- Oh no, Dr. Livermore,
I think it's a great way

to get to know the
people around here,

through their children.

Yes, I'm sure
Mr. Wurthwaxer would be glad

to have you talk to the class.

No no, don't thank me.

No, I'm more than glad to do it.

Right, bye bye.

- Don't you feel a little pinky

about what you
did to the doctor?

- Maybe a little bit but...

- I hope it works
because I'm getting tired

of being battered with
that senior citizen stuff.

- Well, even if it doesn't
work, the kids ought to

enjoy hearing about how
to become a veterinarian.

- Yes, there's a tremendous
need for veterinarians

in the rural areas and I'm
sure you will find that working...

(bell ringing)

(upbeat happy music)

Young lady, don't you
have another class?

- Yes sir, but I'd much rather
sit here and listen to you.

- That's very kind of you.

- You make being a
veterinarian sound so fascinating.

- Oh, do you have any questions?

- Just one.

- Yes?

- Are you married?

(upbeat happy music)

- [Lisa] This has been a
Filmways Presentation, darling.