05x13 - Beauty Is Skin Deep

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Green Acres". Aired: September 15, 1965 - April 27, 1971.*
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Oliver & Lisa move from NYC to a farm to live off the land and have a simpler life.
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05x13 - Beauty Is Skin Deep

Post by bunniefuu »

(upbeat music)

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan just
give me that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

(upbeat music)

- Well that's the
strangest thing.

I'm sure it was here somewhere.

- What's your problem?

- I'm looking for a jar of,
oh here, no it isn't either.

Did you take it?
- Take what?

- My after bath cream.

- After bath cream?

- It comes in a set.

Now this is the
before bath cream,

and this is the
during bath cream

and I can't find the after bath.

- Can't you just use
the before or the during?

- Not for after anymore
than I can use the before

for the during or the
during for the before.

- There must be something
you can use out of all this junk.

- Junk?

Do you know how much this costs?

- 20 cents?

- $40!

(audience laughs)

- 40, what is it?

Youthful elbow cream.

- You use that to make
your elbows young.

- What do you need
young elbows for?

- To keep up with
the rest of you.

There is no sense in
putting on young face cream

and young eye
cream if you're going to

walk around with old elbows.

(audience laughs)

- No that wouldn't...

- That is one of Madam
Tchaikovsky's bestsellers.

- Tchaikovsky, is she any
relation to the composer?

- That was his wife, but when
the music business got bad

she went into the
cosmetetical business

to support the family.

(audience laughs)

- Cosmetetical?

- First thing tomorrow
I want you to take me

to Drucker's store so I can
buy some after bath cream.

- I can just see the expression
on Mr. Drucker's face

when you ask him for it.

- After bath cream?

- Yeah it's part of a set.

They have a before, and a during

and my wife is out of the after.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, well...

- It's made by
Madam Tchaikovsky.

- The wife of the composer.

She went into the
cosmetetical business

when he was having trouble
selling his symphonies.

- Oh well I didn't know he...

- Do you have any other
kind of an after bath cream?

- Well no ma'am I just
carry a few cosmetics

as an accommodation for
the women folk around here.

- What have you got?

- Well I got mercurochrome.

The women use
that for nail polish.

- Nail...

- Then I have
Pickney's lamp black.

They use that for eye shadow.

But this is my biggest seller,

McGivney's silver polish.

- Silver polish?

- Yeah the women
use it for a face cream,

gives 'em a nice
shine and it keeps 'em

from tarnishing when
they go out into the sun.

(audience laughs)

- Oh boy.

- Mr. Drucker, I'm
surprised that you don't carry

a line of cosmeteticals.

- Well I often thought about it,

but I don't know beans about it.

- Well, maybe I could help you.

- How?

- I have a feeling
you're going to be sorry

you asked that, Mr. Drucker.

- Well I could help you to
order everything you need.

- Well yeah but
who's gonna sell it?

- That's your second
stupid question.

(audience laughs)

- I could sell them for you.

- You could?

- You don't know
when to quit, do you?

(audience laughs)

- Well that sounds
like a good idea.

- It does?

- Well is there any
place in this store

where there is room for
a cosmetetical counter?

- Don't answer that!

- Well let's see.

- Well I don't need
anything fancy.

- Well maybe I could
clear off this table

and you could
use it for a counter.

- Well that would be wonderful.

- Then I guess
we're in business.

- Yes.

- I never saw a man so happy
about going to his own funeral.

(audience laughs)

Lisa haven't you
started dinner yet?

- Yes I'm boiling
a pot of water.

- For what?

- Well I thought I'd
leave that part up to you.

- Look I'm...

- I'm trying to make out a list

for the cosmeteticals
I'm going to order.

- You're not really
serious are you?

- Well I shook hands
with Mr. Drucker didn't I?

- Well yes but...

- Well I'm not the kind of a
girl who shakes and forgets.

- Well I didn't...

- You can help me with
the list if you want to.

- What do you want me to do?

- Write out a check for $5,000.

(audience laughs)

- 5,000...

- Make it out to
cash, that's the name

I'll be using for a while.

- How much stuff are you buying?

- Different women
need different things

to be beautiful in
different departments.

- In different...

- Yes the face usually
needs the most work,

so let's start
with the forehead.

Now the forehead needs
forehead cleansing cream,

forehead wrinkle cream,
forehead face cream,

forehead smoothing cream,
forehead penetrating cream,

forehead peeling cream...

- That's just for the forehead.

- Now we move on
to the eye section.

I divided that in three parts.

The eyebrows, the
eyeball, and the eyelashes.

(audience laughs)

Now for the eyebrows you
need eyebrow cleansing cream,

eyebrow wrinkle cream,
eyebrow base cream,

eyebrow smoothing cream...

- That sounds just
like the same stuff

you had for the forehead.

- It is, except it is
for the eyebrows.

(audience laughs)

Now we come to,
did I say tweezers?

- I don't believe so.

- Eyebrow tweezer.

- Don't they have a
forehead tweezer?

- I forgot about that.

Forehead tweezers.

- You mean there
is such a thing?

- As what?

- As forehead tweezers!

- I already wrote that down.

(audience laughs)

- Oh for the love of...

- Now for the eyelashes.

For that I'm going to
order... (horn honks)

I wonder who that is.

- Sounds like Mr. Haney.

Oh it is Mr. Haney.

- Mr. Douglas, Mrs.
Douglas, may I be the first

to congratulate you
on your new business.

- Why thank you Mr. Haney.

Oh isn't it beautiful?

- This is the silliest
looking thing I've ever seen.

- Silly?

Mr. Douglas that is
$69 worth of horseshoe.

And I purchased it
just for you, Mrs. D.

- Really?

Well then why does it say good
luck to Harry's Butcher Shop?

- Well if it brought
good luck to Harry

I figured it'd bring
good luck to your wife.

(audience laughs)

- All right thank you
very much Mr. Haney.

Oliver, here you are.

- Oh no Lisa, now what
am I gonna do with a...

- And when will you be opening

your cosmetetical
business Mrs. Douglas?

- Cosmetetical?

There's no such word as...

- As soon as I get
my cosmeteticals.

I was just making out
the list of the stuff I need.

- Then how fortuotous
that I dropped by.

- Fortuotuous?

- It means lucky.

Now if I can just
have your order.

- Come on Lisa...

- Now Mr. Haney, I was
planning to do my ordering

from the Lady Love company.

- The Lady Love company,
are they still in business?

- Yes they are.

- Then they must
have won that lawsuit.

I wonder what happened
to that poor bald woman

that used their hairspray.

(audience laughs)

- I think they make
very good cosmeteticals.

- Not according to
an independent survey

made in a small midwestern town

where half of the women were
given Lady Love hand cream

to use on their hands,
and the other half

were given my hand
cream and would you believe

that in my group there
was not a single cavity?

(audience laughs)

- What has that
got to do with the...

- Well Mr. Haney I...

- Just a moment please, what
has that got to do with what?

- Well what has
that got to do with...

- You were saying Mrs. Douglas?

(audience laughs)

- Well I was going to say
that I can get everything I need

from the Lady Love company.

- Including mademoiselle
Yvette's face rejuvenating cream

which contains a magic
ingredient, hamster milk?

(audience laughs)

- Hamster milk?

- It picks up where
turtle oil fears to tread.

- How do you get hamster milk?

- By milking a hamster.

(audience laughs)

- Oh for...

- Would you care to
watch a milking session?

- I most certainly would.

- This way.

May I introduce Gwendolyn?

- [Lisa] How do you do?

- Oh Lisa you don't know...

- Excuse us,
Gwendolyn is a little shy

about strangers
watching her being milked.

- I didn't know you
could milk a hamster.

- Oh you can't he's
just... (spraying)

- There you are,
grade A hamster milk.

- And you said it
couldn't be done.

- By using just one jar a week

of this face rejuvenating cream,

containing the
aforementioned hamster milk,

you can keep young
looking forever.

- Oh brother.

- I'm prepared to back up
my statement with living proof.

Abigail, would you
come out please?

Mr. Douglas, may I
present Abigail Haney,

my great great grandmother.

(audience laughs)

- Your great great...

- Granny, how long
have you been using

Haney's rejuvenating cream?

- 75 years grandson.

- 70...
- And how old are you?

- 93.

- Oliver, doesn't she
look wonderful for 93?

- She's not 90, she's a shill!

- Oliver that's no way to
talk about a nice old lady.

(audience laughs)

- If you'll just give me the
order, I'll get granny home.

She has to get back to her desk.

She's writing her
memoirs of the Civil w*r.

- Well we won't keep her.

Goodbye Mr. Haney and
goodbye to you granny

you luscious
looking senior citizen.

- Oliver!
- Come on Lisa.

- Oh Oliver, maybe I should
have ordered some of that cream.

- You don't need anything else.

Mr. Drucker's given you a
very small table in the store,

now where could you possibly put

more than a couple
of dozen jars?

- Oh well I have to
think of something.

- Well if it isn't the
Monroe brothers.

- You don't have to bow to her.

(audience laughs)

- No, just kiss my hand honey.

- You were supposed to show up

six weeks ago,
where have you been?

- We've been working
over at the state college.

- Doing what?

- Making picket signs.

- We made a couple of extra ones

in case you give us any trouble.

- Look you promised me
you'd finish the bedroom.

- Promise is a promise.

- Right, not to us, but
to some carpenters.

- If there were any other
carpenters around here...

- There's just us poopsie,
what does that do to your id?

- We'd have been here sooner

only we were waiting for lumber.

- Yeah we knew
you wanted the best,

so we had to wait
until they tore down

Luke Rockwell's chicken coop.

- Chicken coop lumber?

- That's the best you can
get, it's aged in the egg.

- Well pick it up, carry it
inside, and start putting it on.

- Oh hello there!

- Morning Mrs. Douglas.

- Gosh don't you look beautiful?

I bet you just got up, too.

- No no I've been up
about a half an hour.

- You don't look that good

after you've been
up for three weeks.

- Al.

- Or three years.

- How would you like
a bop in the beezer?

- How would you like to go in

and start working
on the bedroom?

- If you have a
beauty problem...

- Problems, she's got
the only face in town

that's been declared
a disaster area.

(audience laughs)

- How would you like
a sh*t in the head?

- You lay one finger on
me and I'm gonna tell Mom.

- If you two spent
as much time working

as you do fighting
you would have

been finished with the
bedroom two years ago.

- How would you like
a sh*t in the head?

(audience laughs)

- Oh now see here...

- Now Ralph, as I was saying,
if you have a beauty problem

I am opening a
cosmetetical department

in Mr. Drucker's store.

- Well that's wonderful.

I need a pair of
forehead tweezers.

- There's no such thing as...

- I am going to carry a
complete line of cosmeteticals.

I am going to have...

- Lisa you're holding them up.

- Well it never hurts
to do a little advertising.

- Well do as little as you can

so that they can get
started on the bedroom huh?

- Boy he's a real hyperthyroid.

- What does that mean?

- Means he's got too
much hyper in his thyroid.

(audience laughs)

Let's pick up the lumber then.

- As soon as I hear
about the cosmetics.

- Of all the blundering...

Eb what are you doing?

- Freezing a part in my hair.

(audience laughs)

- What?

Get your head
out of there you...

- You see what I do is I
give myself a shampoo

and then I rush my
head into the refrigerator

and I'm well groomed all day.

- Yes, well...
- Unless the sun comes out.

(audience laughs)

- Now I got three nitwits here.

- Oh the Monroe
brothers showed up huh?

- Finally!

- Boy I heard they did a
great job on the picket signs

over at the state college.

- I have no...

- Not only do they
build the signs,

but they make up
their own slogans like

bean the dean, keep your
cool don't burn the school,

and don't popcorn on
the roof of the dorm.

(audience laughs)

- I'm not interested in...

- One of these
days they're going

to make the big time, Berkeley.

(audience laughs)

- Eb I have enough problems!

- Oh Oliver, oh Eb I
see you had your head

in the refrigerator again.

- Yes ma'am!

- Looks very nice.

- Look how about breakfast hm?

- Oh from now on you
have to make your own.

I am a career woman.

- Did Alf and Ralph
start to work yet?

- No but they will
be in a half an hour.


- Half an hour?

- That's how long
it's going to take them

to get to Drucker's.

- Why are they
going to Drucker's?

- To build me some shelves.

- What?

- Remember the idea
you had last night,

that I have too many cosmeteticals
and not enough space?

Well from now on I shall have

all the space I need
for everything I order.

- What about the bedroom?

- Business before pleasure.

(audience laughs)

(hammering)

- And a pound of what?

What?

I'm sorry I can't hear you
Mrs. Wilson, just a minute.

Would you stop that hammering?

Stop hammering!

Would you tell him to
stop that hammering?

- Alf!

Alf!

- What?

- Grouchy wants you to stop.

- I gotta finish the shelf.

- Wait 'til I'm through
with the phone call.

Yes, five pounds
of apples yes ma'am

and a large bag of sugar.

- They got a sale on sugar
over at the market in Picksley.

- Will you...

All right ma'am stop blast you!

- Excuse me.

- No not you, Mrs. Wilson.

Yes, five pounds of flour
and what else, shortening?

Yes ma'am and eggs, a dozen.

Yes ma'am and what else
baking powder and hello?

Hello?

What's the matter with
this dingblasted phone?

- You think this
could be the trouble?

- You dummy!

- Who you calling a dummy?

- Your sister.

- Oh, what'd you do dummy?

- That!

- Don't get uptight, we're
not gonna charge you for it.

- Well how am I
gonna use the phone?

- Don't worry
about it, we'll splice

your wires back together for ya.

- Well, splice.

- Where you going?

- To see Mrs. Douglas.

They were making so much
noise I couldn't hear on the phone

and as if that wasn't enough

they sawed through
my telephone wire.

- Well, maybe that's
why you couldn't hear.

- Well no ma'am it
was the hammering.

Look Mrs. Douglas, maybe we
ought to forget the whole thing.

- Oh Mr. Drucker I promise you,

you won't have any more trouble.

- Here's four more cartons
Sam, where do you want 'em?

- Well I don't know there's
no more room in here.

- Well you better
make up your mind.

I still got 47 more
cartons on the train.

- Wait a second,
I'll call Mrs. Douglas.

Hello, Sarah, get me, hello?

Hello!

Hello hello!

Oh those darn Monroe brothers,

they spliced the
wires backwards.

Hello, Sarah?

Yeah Sam Drucker,
get me the Douglas farm.

- Hello.

- Mr. Douglas it's Sam Drucker.

- I'm sorry I can't
hear you very well.

- That's because I'm
talking into the receiver

and listening with
the mouthpiece.

- I don't understand.

- Well the Monroe brothers...

- Now I understand.

(audience laughs)

- Is Mrs. Douglas there?

I've got to talk to her.

- Well just a minute, Lisa!

Something wrong Mr. Drucker?

- I'll say there's
something wrong.

395 cartons of
cosmetics just arrived.

- 300 and...

- The store is jammed
full of 'em, I can't move.

- Oliver, did you want me?

- Yeah it's Mr. Drucker, he
says your cosmetics arrived.

- Oh well that's wonderful!

- He doesn't think so, there
are 395 cartons of them.

- Well that must be
the first shipment.

- The first shipment?

- Did you say
the first shipment?

Holy smoke, what am I gonna do?

There isn't an inch
of space left here.

- Well just a
minute, I'll find out.

Mr. Drucker wants to
know where he's supposed

to put all that stuff,
he hasn't got any room!

- Tell him not to worry,
I'll think of something.

(audience laughs)

(sighs)

- Oh Doris I've got a sale...

- Oh later Sam, I want to look
at Mrs. Douglas's cosmetics.

- Oh hello there Mrs. Ziffel.

- Howdy Mrs. Douglas.

- Now come on Ralph,
why don't you join us?

I'm just going to
demonstrate my cosmeteticals.

Now, here this,
this is the eyeliner.

- Well what do I need that for?

My eyes have enough lines.

- This is to give your
eyes that sexy look.

- Ooh, could you
rub some all over me?

- No, this is just for the eyes.

The all over you
comes in a big bottle.

- She'll need three
bottles of that.

(laughs)

- Look here Doris...
- Ladies, ladies!

And now to apply the eye.

- Mr. Drucker, what happened?

- Oh remember when your wife
said she'd think of something?

Well this is it.

- You mean she's taken
over the whole store?

- Including my post office.

How did I ever get
snookered into this?

- I don't want to
say I told you so.

- You can say it,
I'm going bankrupt.

The women are spending
all their money on cosmetics,

they don't have
nothing left for groceries.

- Look, why didn't you
say something to my wife?

- Well I tried to but...
- Hello lover.

(audience laughs)

- Who are you?

- I'm Ralph, the
sexy Monroe brother.

How do I look?

- If you want to
sue, I'll be glad

to handle the case for you.

(audience laughs)

- Oh what does a man know.

- Now Ralph I got a sale on...

- I'm sorry Sam, I spent all
my money in the beauty saloon.

(audience laughs)

- See what I mean?

Doggone it Mr. Douglas,
what am I gonna do?

- Well I'll have a little
talk with Mrs. Douglas.

- You think that'll help?

- Don't worry, I'll
make her see the light.

- Why am I looking at the light?

(audience laughs)

- I told Mr. Drucker I'd make
you, it's just an expression.

Now look, Mr. Drucker
was kind enough

to offer you a small
space in his store,

and you went ahead and
took over the whole thing.

- Well I don't see
why he's complaining.

I'm giving him
half of the profits

and he's getting a nice
suntan outside on the porch.

(audience laughs)

- That isn't the point,
that's Mr. Drucker's store.

It's his whole life, and
anyway this community

needs a general store more
than it needs a cosmetic saloon.

- Well I don't want
to hurt Mr. Drucker,

but I'm enjoying my
cosmetetical business.

- All you have to do is move it!

- Where?

- I don't know!

- Oh, well I'll
think of something.

- And a can of peas, yes ma'am.

Hello Mr. Douglas.
- Hi.

Well I see everything's
back to normal.

- Except the phone.

Yes Mrs. Dooley, I'll have
the order ready for you.

- When did my wife move out?

- Early this morning.

- Oh, well she was gone
when I was up this morning.

Did she say where
she was moving to?

- No, she just said she had
a perfect place picked out.

- What's going on here?

- Park your car sir?
- What?

- It's a service of the Green
Acres Health and Beauty Farm.

- You mean my wife...
- She sure did!

- Ladies, this is the latest
thing, vanishing spray.

It replaces the old
fashioned vanishing cream.

- Lisa!

What have you done?

- Oh Oliver, say
hello to the ladies.

- I didn't come in to say hello,

I came in to say goodbye.

- Oh, bye.

(audience laughs)

- Not me goodbye, you goodbye.

You all goodbye,
everybody out come on, out.

- Oliver!

- Lisa you're not using our
home for a cosmetetical,

a cosmoretrical, a
cos, cosmo, cosmopol...

- Why don't you practice
your diction outside?

- As I was saying
this vanishing spray

makes wrinkles disappear,
freckles disappear,

blemishes disappear, it can
make anything disappear!

- Cosmetetical!

- Bravo!

(applause)

- Lisa I want everybody out
of here, come on come on

out out out all of you out!

You too, out out come
on, come on oh hey!

So long Eb.

- Mr. Douglas?

- [Oliver] Yes.

- What happened to you?

- [Oliver] Stay away from that
vanishing spray, it's m*rder.

(audience laughs)

(upbeat music)

- [Narrator] This has been a
Filmways presentation, darling.
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