05x17 - Bundle of Joy

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Green Acres". Aired: September 15, 1965 - April 27, 1971.*
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Oliver & Lisa move from NYC to a farm to live off the land and have a simpler life.
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05x17 - Bundle of Joy

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me

♪ Land spreadin'
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Dah-ling I love you
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Good bye, city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

- Lisa?

Lisa?

- What's the matter?

- Have you seen my attache case?

- What's that?

- It's that case I used
to carry to court with me.

- Oh!

You're lunchbox.

(audience laughing)

- No, it's a case I
carried papers in.

- Oh that.

It's under the bed.

- It's under the.

What's it going under there?

(crashing)

(audience laughing)

- Holding the bed up.

- Well that's a...

- Well aren't you
going to fix it?

- I'll fix it when I get back.

- Am I supposed
to sleep on the slant

all the time while
you're in New York,

living the gay life?

Dancing with secretaries?

Boozing it up with
the hat check girls?

- It'll do you good to sleep

with your feet lower
than your head.

It'll take the pressure
off your little brain.

- Well, guess who
won't be glad to see who

when you get back!

(audience laughing)

- Look, get Eb to fix it.

I haven't got time.

My plane leaves in an hour.

- Excuse me, (silly music)

Excuse me governor,
your car awaits without.

- Yeah, I'll be right...

Why are you wearing
that stupid hat?

- This ain't a stupid
hat, it's a chauffeur's hat.

A stupid hat has
a point on the top

and they make you wear it
when you sit in the corner.

(audience laughing)

- Would you mind taking
my bag out to the car please?

- Yes sir, governor!

- Now I'm going to
miss you, sweetheart!

- I'll be right back!

I'm only going to the airport!

- I believe she
was talking to me.

- Is that true?

- Get the bag!

- Yes, sir.

- How long will you be gone?

- Just an hour.

- Out!

(goofy music)

(crashing)

- It's going to be lonesome
here without you, Oliver.

- I'll only be gone
three, four days.

- Are you going to
call me every day?

- Sure.

- Why?

- Well, you just asked me to.

- Otherwise you
wouldn't call me?

- Of course I would.

- What time will you call?

- Whenever there's a break
in my meetings with Carling.

- What's her name in real life?

(audience laughing)

- He's a lawyer!

- Oh.

(honking)

- Oh, goodbye, Lisa.
- Oh!

Have a good time!

(upbeat music)

- Carling, where is this Duncas?

- No, no, Douglas.

Oliver Wendell Douglass.

- Well, whatever his name
is, he's not very prompt.

- Well, maybe his plan is late.

He had to fly in
from Hooterville.

- What?

- Hooterville, that's
where he lives.

See, Douglas was a
member of our law firm

until several years ago.

Then he decided to give
up law and become a farmer.

- He didn't get into any trouble

with the Bar
Association, did he?

- Oh, no, no!

He's a fine attorney!

Matter of fact, he
worked on this case

while he was here.

- Yes, well, he's
not very dependable.

- Oh, thank you, Susie.

Would you call the
airport and see if the plane

from Hooterville is in?

- Yes, sir.

- Oh, I'm sorry I'm...
- Mister Douglas!

Oh!

(goofy music)

- Susie!

- Oh, I'm sorry
Mr. Carling, but I was just

so glad to see
Mr. Douglas that I...

- Next time just wag your tail.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, it's good to see you.

(chuckling)

- Well, yes.

- Oliver, I'd like you
to meet our clients.

Mr. Robinson.

- How do you do?
- Mr. Robinson.

- And Mr Sternwiess.

- How do you do?
- Mr. Sternweiss, yes.

I'm sorry I'm late
gentlemen, but I was...

- Oliver, you've got a little...
- Oh!

(audience laughing) (chuckling)

Yes.

Mm?

There we go.

Well, yes, my plane was late.

You see we had to make a
forced landing at Stankwell Falls.

- Stankwell Falls?

(audience laughing)

- Yes, normally
Trans-Pixley Airlines

doesn't land there, but they
had some mechanical difficulty

with the plane, the
rubber band broke.

(audience laughing)

- Rubber band?

- Oh, yes, the pilot
had it on his compass

holding it, well anyway.

- Fine, fine, now
may we get started?

We have an awful
lot of ground to cover.

- I'll call Ms. Glassworth
in to take some notes.

- Our problem is
twofold, Mr. Douglas,

you see on the
one hand we have...

- Yes, Mr. Carling,
did you... Mr Douglas!

- Janet!
- Oh!

(goofy music)

(chuckling)

- Oliver.

- Yes, I'm sorry.

- Excuse me, it's just so long
since I've seen Mr. Douglas!

- May we please get started?

- Oh, yes, yes of course.

- Oliver, better wipe the...

(audience laughing)

- Oh!

- Susie, we don't
want any interruptions.

- Tell he if my wife
calls, to put her through.

- You're married?

- Yes.

- You coulda fooled me.

(audience laughing)
(silly music)

(whistling)

- Holy smoke!

"Please take care
of little Freddie,

I'm sure you'll give
him a good home."

Mrs. Douglas!

Mrs. Douglas!

Mrs. Douglas!

- What's the matter?

- Somebody left a
doorstep on your baby!

I mean a baby on your doorstep.

- Oh, let me see!

(audience laughing)

Oh, Eb!

This is not a baby!

That's a poopy.

- It is?

So that's what a
poopy looks like!

- Oh, isn't he cute!

- His name is Freddie.

- When did he tell you that?

(audience laughing)

- This note was
pinned to his blanket.

- Well, his mother
has a nice handwriting.

(audience laughing)

But how could she
leave a cute little...

- What are you
gonna do with him?

- Well, like the note says, I'm
gonna give him a good home.

(whining)

- What's the matter with him?

- Oh, he must be hungry.

What do you feed a poopie?

- I don't know.

My ma always fed our
dogs that same thing

she fed us kids.

- What's that?

- Dog food!

(audience laughing)

- We don't have any dog food.

I'll make him something.

How about some hot cakes?

(whining)

- He sounds like Mr. Douglas
when you mention that word.

(audience laughing)

- Well!

- I'd give him some milk.

- That's a good idea.

Why don't you give him some milk

and I call Mr. Douglas and
I'll tell him the good news.

(upbeat music)

- I don't think we can approach
the matter on that basis.

- But according to the
decision laid down in the case of

Harris versus the
Paradise Company...

- Gentlemen, please.

I think there's a very simple
solution to the whole case.

All we have to
do is... (buzzing)

- Susie, I said no... What?

Oh.

Oliver, it's for you.

Your wife is calling
from Hooterville.

- Look, excuse me
gentlemen, I'll only be, hello?

- Guess who?

- Lisa!

- Right on the first guess.

(audience laughing)

- Lisa, I'm in a middle of a...

- Well, I wouldn't have called
you if it wasn't important.

Because you always
told me never to call you

unless it was
important and this is!

This is very important...
- Yes, Lisa?

Look, would you try
to get to the point?

- What point?

(audience laughing)

- Whatever you called me about.

- Here is the whole
thing in a nutcracker,

can I keep little Freddie?

- Is that what you
called me about?

I don't care what...
Who's little Freddie?

- Ooo, didn't I tell you that?

He's the one that we
found on the doorstep

in a basket, wrapped
in a blanket with a note

from his mother.

- What?

- What's the matter?

- My wife found a baby in
a basket on our doorstep.

- Congratulations, can
we get back to work?

(audience laughing)
- Just a second.

Lisa, you can't keep him!

- But the note said
we should keep him

and give him a good home!

- Well, I don't care
what the note said,

just call the sheriff,
he'll know what to do.

- I know what to do.

I've been feeding him and...
- Lisa, Lisa?

The law says that, look,
please do me a favor?

Call the sheriff and tell
him what happened, huh?

- I won't do it.

(audience laughing)

- But Lisa, you...
- I won't do it.

- Well then I'll do it!

I'm sorry gentlemen.

- Now can we get back to work?

- I have to make one call.

Susie, would you please get me

the sheriff of
Hooterville County?

(silly music)

(audience laughing)

(g*n sh*t)

(ringing)

- County
what-you-ma-call-it's office.

- Is this the sheriff's office?

- Yes, sir.

This is, uh, uh...
- Mr. Kimble?

- Oh, yeah, I guess it is.

- Please may I
speak to the sheriff?

- He's on vacation.

I'm babysitting
with the prisoners.

- What?

- Yeah, I come in
every day to feed 'em.

The sheriff found out
if they went out to eat,

that a lot of them
didn't come back.

(audience laughing)

- Yeah, well, isn't
there a deputy there?

- Oh, no, it's his day off.

- Can we please get
on with this meeting?

- I'll only be on
the line a minute.

- Well, then I'll hang up.

- Well, no, no,
no, don't do that!

- Do what?

- Hang up!

- Yes, sir.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, you
miserable... (clicking)

Susie, would you get that
number back for me please?

- Are you gonna spend
the whole day on the phone?

- No, no, just bear
with me now, please.

(whistling)

(ringing)

- County Sheriff's office.

- Mr. Kimble!

- Oh, Mr. Douglas!

Are you through using the phone?

(audience laughing)

- Look, Mr. Kimble, I
want you to listen carefully.

I am in New York.

- What if you happened
to see my cousin?

He lives in New York!

Well, not in New York,
he lives across a river.

New Hampshire.

(audience laughing)

- Just listen!

My wife called me
a little while ago,

she said somebody left a baby

in a basket on our front porch.

Now, I wanted her to
turn it into the sheriff...

- Why, what did the kid do?

(audience laughing)

- He didn't (sighing).

Look, do me a favor, go
over and tell Mr. Drucker

about it, I'm sure he'll
know the right thing to do.

- Yes, sir!

(silly music)

(g*nsh*t)

(audience laughing)

- [Sam] Haney, I don't
need a new cash register.

- But, Sam, my new
change giving register,

it's used in all
the super markets.

- Well, I don't care, I...

- Do you realize all of the
wasted motion you go though

with this old
fashioned register?

- It's perfectly all...

- Now suppose somebody
comes in and buys

$6.32 worth of merchandise.

(dinging)
- Haney, will you...

- Now, he tenders a
$10 bill as payment.

You've got to count that out.

$6.32 from $10, that's $3.68.

50, 60, 65, 68 and
three dollars makes ten.

Now, with my new
register you eliminate...

- Haney, would you
put the money back?

- Hmm? (audience laughing)

- The money?

- Oh, I guess I got carried away

with the live demonstration.

- Yeah, well, after this...
- Hi, Haney.

- Hi Hank!

- Guess what, Sam?

Mrs. Douglas has had a
baby on her front porch.

(audience laughing)

- Well, bless my gooseberry pie!

- Well, that's impossible!

She wasn't even
expectin' a baby!

- Yeah, I know.

The kid just showed
up in a basket!

- A foundling, well
bless my codfish balls!

(audience laughing)

- Where did you hear about this?

- Mr. Douglas told me.

- Well bless my apple pan dowdy!

(audience laughing)

I think I'll go over an
congratulate the little mother.

- Haney!

- Sam, I'd like to
stick around and have

some gooseberry pie and
some codfish balls with ya,

but I gotta get back
to the sheriff's office.

Find out who's
been sh**t' at me!

(audience laughing)
(silly music)

- Maybe Mr. Douglas
didn't call the sheriff.

- Oh, yes, he called him.

He has a heart of
stone in his head.

Oh, the poor little thing.

What are we going to do
when the sheriff gets here?

- We'll hide him!

- How do you hide a sheriff?

- No, ma'am, I meant
we'd hide Freddie.

(honking)

Uhoh, I think the fuzz is here!

- No, I think it's Mr. Haney!

(honking)

- Mrs. Douglas, if you
don't look the picture

of merry motherhood!

- He knows about little Freddie!

- You can't keep a
think like that a secret!

I brought the little
tyke this pair of booties.

- Oh, that's very nice
of you, Mr. Haney,

but he needs four of them.

- Four of them!

- Yeah, he's got four feet!

- No wonder somebody
left him on your doorstep.

Now, getting the little
one unexpectedly,

you're gonna need
all kinds of supplies.

And that's why I'm here.

Now if you will just step
back to my show room,

I'll show you what the
well-equipped baby should have.

- But, Mr. Haney,
you don't understand.

Freddie...

- Feast your eyes on this
magnificent display of baby needs.

Now take this electronic cradle.

This relieves a mother of
the tedious job of rocking.

You simply place the baby in
the cradle, fasten his seatbelt

and push this button.

(lullaby music)
(audience laughing)

Now the great thing
about this cradle is

after the child out grows it,

you can use it to
make malted milks.

(audience laughing)

- Well, I don't
think that Freddie...

- Now, I also have a complete
line of educational toys.

Like this fascinating gadget.

It keeps a child amused
for hours, and not only that,

but he might win enough to
pay his way through college.


- Mrs. Douglas,
Freddie's hungry again!

(whining)
- Oh, the poor thing!

- So that is Freddie!

If I didn't know that you
found him on the doorstep,

I'd say he's the spittin'
image of Mr. Douglas.

(audience laughing)

- What a terrible thing to
say about a cute little puppy!

You know what Mr. Douglas
wants us to do with him?

Turn him over to the sheriff!

- Well, bless my chicken liver.

- Do we have to
do that, Mr. Haney?

- Well, I'm not an
attorney, but I believe I have

the perfect solution
for your de-lemon-ia.

- What's that?

- There's statue on
the books that says

that anyone finding an ipso
facto puppy on their doorstep

must turn the ipso
over to the facto.

Unless the puppy can
be placed into the home

of a qualified puppy raiser.

- Where do I find one of those?

- My card.

- Mr. Haney, raiser
of found poopies.

(audience laughing)

- Now, to conform with
the aforementioned statue,

I will buy the puppy
from you for $2,

move him into my
qualified puppy raisin' home,

keep him 'til he's old
enough to be adopted,

then sell him back to
you for the $2 plus a small

charge for boardin' and
training and schooling

and clothing and whatever
ex-cet-er-as that he might need.

I'd say the whole thing
would come to, oh, only $900.

- I don't know.

What do you think, Eb?

- $900 sounds fair to me.

- You're a good boy, Eb.

(audience laughing)

- I don't know what
Mr. Douglas is going to say

about laying out so much money.

I better call and ask him.

(silly music)

- Look, I've gone over
this nine different times,

and I don't think
that's the solution.

- But it's the only
course of action we have!

Don't you agree, Oliver?

- Huh?

Oh, I wasn't listening to
what you said, I'm sorry.

- I don't think you've listened
to anything we've said.

- I apologize, but I'm
concerned about that baby.

My wife just doesn't know
how to handle a baby.

Look, you mind if I
make just one more call?

- Douglas, we're involved
in a a $2 million lawsuit!

- I'll make it as
brief as, Susie!

Look, would you get, what?

Oh, put her on.

My wife is calling me.

Yes, hello, Lisa?

- Oliver!

- Yes, I was just
about to call you!

- Okay.

(audience laughing)

- Susie, would you get
that call back for me?

(ringing)

- Hello!

- Hello, Lisa.

- Oliver, I am so
glad you called.

I wanted to talk to
you about little Freddie.

- Have you still got him?

- Yes.

- Didn't Mr. Drucker come over?

- Oh, why should he?

- Well, I called
the sheriff's office,

but the sheriff was on vacation

and the deputy had the day off,

so Mr. Kimble was
babysitting the prisoners.

- Babysitting with
the prisoners?

- Yeah, he just
comes in to feed him.

They found out that a
lot of 'em didn't come back

if they let 'em go out to eat.

(audience laughing)

Lisa, I told Mr. Kimble to
tell Mr. Drucker to come over.

- Well the only one that
showed up was Mr. Haney.

He wants to sell me
some baby supplies.

- Don't buy anything from him!

- Mr. Haney has a good
solution for our di-lemon-ia.

He wants to buy little
Freddie from me for $2.

- What?

You can't do that!

- But Oliver!

- Lisa, you can't do that!

- Do what?

- This guy wants to buy
the baby from my wife for $2!

- I'll give her three for him
if we can get back to work.

(audience laughing)

- Lisa, look you can't sell...

- You didn't let me finish.

Mr. Haney's only
going to keep him

til he's old enough
to be adopted.

Then he's going to sell
him back to us for $900.

- $900?

- $950. (audience laughing)

- Lisa?

Do us both a favor,
call Mr. Drucker!

- Mrs. Douglas?

- What's the matter, Eb?

- Freddie got under the kitchen
sink and ate a bar of soap!

- Oh, my goodness,
that's terrible!

- What's the matter?

- Freddie just
ate a bar of soap.

- Oh, no!

- Now what?

- The kid just
ate a bar of soap!

- I'd like to visit Hooterville,

it sounds like more
fun than Disneyland.

(audience laughing)

- Lisa, Lisa, I want
you to listen to me.

Now, keep calm!

Take Freddie to the
emergency hospital,

they'll know what to do.

And then call me back.

No, don't call me
back, I'm coming home!

- What do you mean,
you're going home?

- What else can I do?

I gotta go home and
protect that poor little kid!

(goofy music)

Lisa?

Lisa?

- Oh, hello there!

- Where is he?

- Oh, you're a good father.

Coming all the way home
because you were worried

about little Freddie.

- Yeah, how is he?

- Oh, he's fine.

They got all the
soap out of him.

- Oh, thank goodness.

You oughta know better than
to let him get under the sink!

- Oh, he gets into everything!

He was stuck under
the refrigerator too!

(audience laughing)

- Holy smoke!

Where is he?

- Outside.

Arnold is teaching him
how to play baseball.

- You've gotta be out of your,

how could you let
him play with a pig?

(clacking)

- [Ez] Nice catch, Freddie!

- Nice catch?

What the?

- Great, okay, bring it here!

Boy, Freddie's gonna
make a great outfielder!

- Is this Freddie?

(whining)

- Yes, isn't he cute?

- Lisa, why didn't you
tell me it was a puppy?

- Well, you never asked!

- From the way you talked,
I thought it was a baby!

- You have a pretty
vivid imagination.

(audience laughing)

- Do you realize that dog
cost me a $5,0000 fee?

- Well, isn't is worth it to see

the smile on his little face?

- No, it's not!

(snorting)

- Arnold wants to know
if Freddie can play ball

with him tomorrow?

- No, he can't!

- Why not?

- Because Freddie won't be here!

- Where is he going?

- I'm gonna find out who left
him here and give him back!

(wailing)

- You wouldn't
do that would you?

(sobbing)
- Oh, for!

What are you crying about?

- I like little Freddie!

Oh!

- Dry your eyes.

- Oh!

Can't I keep him?

- No!

- But, Oliver!

Well, what is this?

- My handkerchief.

- So you admit it!

- Of course!

- Well, would you kindly explain

who the tangerine
lipstick belongs to?

- Oh, yeah, the tangerine uh...

- Yeah, the tangerine uh.

- That belongs to Susie,
she was one of the secretaries

when I was with the firm.

She was glad to
see me, kissed me.

- That's a ding-dong-doozie!

- Eb will you...

- And let's pause over
Susie for a moment

and let's hear who this
Ms. Passionate Pink is.

- Oh, that belonged to Janet.

She was Mr. Carling's
private secretary.

- And she was happy to see
you too and she kissed you?

- Of course.

- Boy, you don't have
as vivid an imagination

as I thought you did!

(audience laughing)

- Eb, I don't need
any of your help,

will you find something to do?

- Yes, sir.

Oh, if you ever get
the true story out of him,

I'd like to hear it.

- Go! (audience laughing)

- Well, shall we get back
to your nitty gritty again?

Do you want to try another
story with the lipsticks?

- No, the story I
told you is true.

- Only the names
have been changed

to protect your innocence.

(audience laughing)
- Oh, Lisa!

- Oliver, I believe you.

- Thank you.

- However, I don't think
little Freddie believes you.

(whining)

- I don't care whether he does.

- Well, I do.

I don't want him to
leave here thinking

that you're some
kind of a philanthropist.

(audience laughing)

- Philanderer.

- Oh, so you know the word.

- Of course!

- Of course.

If Freddie were to stay
here and get to know you,

and find out what a
wonderful man you really are,

that you are not a two-timer,

that you are honest,
true-blue, a great man,

one of nature's noblemen,
a prince among man...

- Okay, okay, he can stay.

(audience laughing)
- Oh, Oliver,

you're wonderful!

(hiccuping)

(hiccuping)

(hiccuping)

- What's that?

(audience laughing)

- I think he still has
a little soap in him.

(hiccuping)

- I think he has a little
Lawrence Welk in him too.

(hiccuping)

(upbeat music)

- [Lisa] This has been a
Filmways presentation, darling
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