05x23 - The Beeping Rock

[bunniefuu]

♪ Green Acres if the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading
out so and far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling, I love you,
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

(Green Acres theme instrumental)

- Oh, hello, dear.

- Good morning, good morning.

- Where have you been?

- Well, I went into
Pixley and picked up

the Sunday paper.

- Well, that was
a waste of time.

- What do you mean?

- Well, aren't all the
saloOns closed in Pixley

closed on Sunday?

- All I went for was the paper.

- Oh, well, that's
what you used to say

when we lived in New York.

You used to go out
for the Sunday paper

and you came back on
Monday with a red nose

and a pocket full of olives.

- Lisa, where did
you ever get the idea

that I was such a big drinker?

- Watching you belting
down the martoonies.

(laughing)

- Well, I am not.

- Oh, can I have the
funny papers please?

- There you are.

- Thank you.

And the society section.

- Okay.

- Morning, mama.

Morning, papa.

- Will you please keep
your clammy lips off of me.

- Boy, he's in a horrible
mood this morning.

The saloons must have
been closed in Pixley.

Can I have the TV section?

And I'll take the
financial page, too.

I want to see if my
debentures are dry yet.

- What does that mean?

- That means he
has red debentures.

- Hey, can I have the
sports section, too?

- All right, now will you
two settle down and read?

I'd like to have a
quiet Sunday morning

by myself here if I may.

- Well, Happy
Hooligan is funny today.

- Happy?

- The fellow with the
tin can on his head.

- They haven't published
Happy Hooligan in.

- Hey, guess what?

Red Grange scored three
touchdowns yesterday.

- Red Grange?

He hasn't played in.

- Mutt and Jeff is funny, too.

- Say, what paper
are you two reading?

- The same one you're reading.

- Well, I'll be.

- What's the matter?

- Admiral Bird
reaches the south pole.

That's impossible.

Oh, oh, I see.

This is an anniversary issue.

Yeah, what they've
done is print some

of the big stories
of the past 50 years

along with some of the
big stories of the present.

- Then I don't have to
send a Bon Voyage basket.

- To whom?

- Mrs. Vanderbilt.

She's sailing on the
Lucetania tomorrow.

- Send one anyway.

- How much do you want to spend?

- I don't, hey, hey here's
an interesting comparison.

The Wright Brothers
and the first space walk

on the moon.

- I didn't know the Wright
Brothers walked on the moon.

- They didn't.

They were the first
Americans to fly an airplane.

- Oh, yeah, it was called
the Spirit of St. Louis.

- No, that was Lindbergh.

- And he walked on the moon?

- Don't you two know
anything about history?

- I don't know why
they printed anything

about the fellow
walking on the moon.

That's not so great.

- Not so great?

It's the greatest scientific
achievement in history.

- Dinky Watson did it
before anybody else.

- Dinky Watson?

- You know my little friend.

The 11-year-old
electronic genius.

A couple of months ago
he built himself a rocket ship

and went to the moon.

- Well, I'm surprised
they didn't have

something about it
in the papers here.

- Well, it was a big secret.

Dinky said if his dad
found out about it,

he wouldn't let him go.

- Oh, I can understand that.

- Did he take any
pictures on the moon?

- No, ma'am, he
broke his camera.

- He broke his camera.

- Well, all the other
guys broke theirs.

Hey, he brought back
some moon rocks.

Would you like to see them?

- Oh, I'd love to.

- Lisa, he doesn't have any.

I'll call him and tell
him to bring one over.

Calling Dinky Watson,
calling Dinky Watson.

- Would you mind
telling me what you

think you're doing?

- Calling Dinky on
his ring radio he built.

- Look Ebb.

- Excuse me.

Hello Dinky?

This is Ebb.

Would you bring one
of your moon rocks over

to show the Douglas'?

Good, over and out.

(horn blowing)

- What the?

- Hi, Mr. Douglas.

Hi Ebb.

- Hi Dinky.

Boy what a keen go-cart.

- Yeah, I just
finished building it.

- Does it run on batteries.

- No, solar energy.

- Solar energy.

- Yes, sir.

You see, the rays
are picked up on this

and then they're
converted into electricity

to power this washing
machine motor.

I can do 30 when
it's on spin dry.

- Wowee.

- Here's that moon rock
you wanted to see Ebb.

- Oh, I see, this is
what they look like?

- [Dinky[ Yes, Sir.

- Picked it up on the moon, eh?

- Yes, sir.

- Flew to the moon
in your own spaceship.

- You should have seen it.

- Oh, I'd love to.

You happen to have
it around anywhere?

- No, sir.

On the way back it
landed in Tipson's swamp

and it sank.

- What a shame.

- It sure was.

All the time and money
he put into building it.

- I got the plans out
of Popular Mechanics.

- Now why didn't the
government think of that?

- I don't know.

They do things their
way and I do things mine.

Would you like to
buy my moon rock?

- Oh, it's for sale?

- Yes, sir.

I only want $14 for it.

- Oh, oh, now I see.

This whole story is
just to raise $14, huh?

- He needs the $14
for materials for his

new infrared laser beam.

- What does that do?

- I can't tell until I
get the $14 to build it.

- Well, Dink, I think
you're gonna have

to get your financing
somewhere else.

Thank you.

(playful music)

- Don't worry, Dinky.

I think I know somebody
who would love

to buy your moon rock.

- You bought the
rock from Dinky?

- Well, he's the only one I
know who's selling moon rocks.

- But Lisa.

- It only cost $14.

- It's not worth 14 cents.

It's just a rock he
picked up somewhere.

- On the moon.

- He was not, he's just a kid

with an overactive imagination.

- I believe him.

- Lisa, if you want to believe

that Dinky picked that
rock up on the moon,

you go right ahead.

(playful music)

(gentle music)

Lisa, will you
turn off the light.

- But I want to look at my rock.

- That's all you
been doing all day,

staring at the stupid thing.

- Well, it's fascinating.

Just think that this came
from out of this world.

- Yeah, I can see
where you would

have quite an infinity
for a thing like that.

- What does that mean?

- Oh, nothing, please
turn out the light.

- Okay.

- What are you doing?

- Well, they say
that if you sleep

with a moon rock
under your pillow,

you'll have 15
years of good luck.

- Who says?

- I can't remember his name.

- Could it have
been Flash Gordon?

- That's the one.

- The light.

- Goodnight, dear.

(gentle music)

(beeping)

- Oliver.

You're beeping.

- I'm what?

- You made a sound like
beep, beep, beep, beep.

- Would you please go to sleep.

- Yes, dear.

(gentle music)

(beeping)

Oliver, you're beeping again.

- That's not me.

What is that?

(dramatic music)

(beeping)

- Oliver.

It's coming from this.

- Oh, that's ridiculous.

It couldn't.

- And you didn't believe
it was a moon rock.

- Oh, it's not a.

- Well, did you ever hear of

an earth rock beeping like this?

- Dinky's probably got
some kind of an electronic

gadget in here.

Oh, I think I know.

You remember that
ring that Ebb had?

Hello, Dinky, this
his Mr. Douglas.

It's a very funny joke,
but would you mind

shutting off the beep so
we can get some sleep?

(beeping)

Thank you.

(playful music)

Good night.

- [Lisa] Good night.

- All right Dinky,
how do you do it?

- Do what?

- Make the rock beep.

- I didn't make the rock beep.

- It was probably calling
to its mother on the moon.

- Will you stay out of this.

- All right, now come on.

A joke's a joke.

What did you put in here?

One of those little
radio receivers?

- No, sir, I didn't
put anything in it.

That's just the way I
picked it up on the moon.

- Now, Dinky, I'm not
gonna ask you to give

back my wife's $14.

I just want you to tell
me what you have in here

that makes it beep.

- Nothing.

- Well, there's one
way to find out about it.

(smashing)

- Whoa, they sure make
those moon rocks to last.

- Try this.

(tinging)

- You didn't even
make a dent in it.

Now do you believe him?

- No, I don't.

- Well, Mr. Douglas,
how are you?

- Fine, fine doctor.

- And how's the
beautiful wife of yours?

- She's fine, too.

- I'm sorry to hear that.

Business hasn't
been too good lately.

(laughing)

I heard that on one of
those TV medical shows.

This patient came in with
severe intravenous conjalitis.

- What is that?

- I don't know, they make
up their own diseases.

Well, what can I do for you?

- Well, doctor, I want you
to take a look at this for me.

- Well, that's a
pretty nice gallstone.

Did you take it out yourself?

- No, no, it's not a gallstone.

I want you to x-ray it for me.

- Is it sick?

- No.

You see there's
something peculiar about it.

It beeps at night.

- There's been a lot
of that going around.

- Look, I'm serious.

I heard it beep.

- Why don't you stand
behind the machine,

put the rock on your head

and we'll k*ll two
birds with one stone?

- Doctor, I know it
sounds a little nutty,

but it does beep.

You see, it's supposed to be a
rock that came from the moon.

- Let me take your temperature.

- Doc, now please, just
x-ray the rock for me.

You know, I'm sure there's
some sort of a mechanism

in there that makes it beep.

- Okay, if it'll make
you feel better.

- Well?

- Nothing in it.

It's all rock.

- Are you sure?

- Positive.

- Well, that's impossible,
I heard it beep.

- I tell you what.

The beeping will stop
in a couple of days

if you just take two
of these every hour.

- There was nothing in it?

- Nope.

- Now maybe you believe
it's what Dinky said it was.

- I'll never believe that.

It's gotta be some
kind of a trick.

- All right, how does it work?

- I haven't the faintest idea.

(playful music)

- Howdy!

- Hello there, Mr. Haney.

- Hello, Mrs. Douglas.

Gosh all hemlock,
you look as pretty

as a rabbit with
silver lined ears.

- Why, thank you Mr. Haney.

- Never mind the
flattering, Mr. Haney.

We're not gonna buy anything.

- Mr. Douglas, how
can you stand there

with your gallstone in your hand

and say a thing like that?

- That's not a gallstone,
that's a moon rock.

- May I see it please?

- Mr. Haney.

- I'm afraid this is
just a cheap imitation.

- Imitation?

- Yeah, see it says right
there, made in Japan.

- Made in, I don't see it.

- I hope you didn't
pay too much for that.

- $14.

- What a shame.

When for just a few dollars more

you could have bought
yourself a genuine moon rock.

- Oh, and I suppose you have it?

- Well, I just might.

Let's take a look.

(playful music)

Well, you are in luck.

I happen to have a
very fine selection today.

- You mean, these
are all moon rocks?

- Well, now, I'd be
fibbing if I'd said they was.

Them two big ones
are Mars rocks.

- Mars rocks?

- Hurled at me by an
unfriendly flying saucer.

- Oh, boy.

- They don't look
like the ones we have.

- That's 'cause
most of these come

from the dark side of the moon.

- Oh, how were they found?

- With a flashlight.

- Oh, you.

- Oliver, maybe
we ought to buy one

in case the one
we have isn't real.

- Oh, buy one.

You can pick them
up anywhere, here.

- Oh, may I see that?

Just as I thought.

Made in East Germany.

- Mr. Haney, I'm losing my.

- Now since you folks
seem to have a hobby

of collecting space stones,

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll let you have all of these,

including the two
Mars rocks for $87

and I'll throw in
this pile of moon dirt

that was dug up from a
crater in the Sea of Tranquility.

- I wouldn't give you $5.

- Do I hear seven?

- Seven.

- Sold.

- Mr. Haney, we don't want any

of your grubby granite.

Now just take it
and get out of here.

- Very well, may I
have my dollar please?

- For what?

- Well, the admission
to the moon exhibit

is 50 cents a piece.

- b*at it!

(playful music)

- [Oliver] Lisa, did you?

- Oliver, Mr. Haney
wasn't telling the truth.

- Hmm?

- It doesn't say made
in Japan on this rock.

- Of course it doesn't.

- Then it must
be the real thing.

- Lisa, I have had that
silly rock up to here.

I haven't been able
to do any work all day.

(knocking)

Now what?

(pig oinking)

- Hello there Arnold.

- Well, that's all I need,
the Tiny Tim of the hog set.

- He came over here to
take a look at the moon rock.

(sniffing)

- Maybe you can sell it to him

and get your $14 back.

- Don't pay any
attention to him.

He's a sorehead.

(sniffing)

That's right, take a
good look at it Arnold.

(oinking)

(beeping)

Do that again.

(oinking)

(beeping)

- Oliver!

- What's the matter?

- Arnold is talking to the rock.

- Oh, isn't that sweet.

(oinking)

- And the rock is answering him.

- Lisa, I think you flipped you.

(oinking)

(beeping)

- No, I've flipped mine.

- Now, how do you explain that?

- I'm not even gonna try.

(oinking)

I left the city so
I could get away

from the insanity
of living there.

I bought a farm so I could
have peace and quiet.

What do I end up with?

A pig talking to a rock.

(oinking)

(beeping)

Will you two stop that?

I mean I'm getting out of here

before I become
a gibbering idiot.

- Oh, would you mind closing
the door so I can knock?

- Why don't you just come in?

- Then how would
you know who it is.

- Somebody'll tell me.

- Oh, hello there, Mr. Kimball.

- Oh, hello there Mrs. Douglas.

What are you doing here?

- I live here.

- Oh, that's where I am.

- Mr. Kimball, would you like?

- I'm not interrupting
anything am I?

- Oh, no.

Arnold was just
talking to my moon rock.

- Oh?

- Maybe you'd
like to talk to it.

- Gee, I never talked
to a moon rock before.

Hello there moon rock.

Not very friendly, is it?

- It is to Arnold.

(oinking)

(beeping)

- I have to be dreaming

or am I coming unhinged?

- That's strange it
would just beep at Arnold.

- Yes, it is.

- When we first got it,
it just beeped at night.

- Oh, well, my aunt had a
rock that beeped at night.

No, that was my
uncle that beeped.

No, he didn't beep, he burped.

Well, you see he ate
this heavy food and it bleh.

- I know the feeling.

- What feeling?

- The one he gets when he?

- How did you manage
to cop this Mr. Douglas.

- What do you mean cop it?

- Well, the space agency
had a traveling exhibit

of moon rocks the
astronauts brought back

on display at the State Capitol.

- Oh?

- If i remember correctly,

one of them looked
exactly like this.

- I wonder.

- You wonder what?

- Well, it's just
possible that Dinky took.

- Oliver, what a terrible thing

to accuse somebody of.

- Lisa, I have never
believed that wild story

Dinky told us about
how he got the rock.

I never believe
it's a moon rock.

But if it is, then Mr. Kimball's
idea makes sense.

- It does?

Say, I better ask for raise.

- Yeah, you ask for a.

- What are you going to do?

- I'm going to call
the space agency

and ask them if one of
their moon rocks is missing.

(oinking)

(beeping)

You dirty rock, you.

- No, ma'am, our
astronauts did not see

your mother on the moon.

What?

Yes, I'll be sure
to tell the next crew

that goes up there
to look for her.

You're welcome and
thank you for calling.

What is there about
the moon that brings

out all the dingbats.

Hello, NASA public relations
office, Wilson speaking.

- Hello, yes, my name is
Oliver Wendell Douglas.

- Yes, sir, how may we help you.

- Well, I'd like to
ask you a question.

- Yes, sir.

- Do you have all
of your moon rocks?

- Yes, sir, do you
have all of yours?

- I beg your pardon.

- No offense, just why
did you want to know.

- Well, it's possible that
I may have a moon rock.

- Oh, and just how
did you acquire it?

- Well, there's this
boy in town who claims

he built a rocket
and went to the moon

and he brought back this rock,

which he sold to
my wife for $14.

- Well, I think she
got a good buy.

We figure that our rocks
cost us about 48 million

dollars a piece.

- Well, I don't want
you to thin I believe this

silly story, but there
is something strange

about this rock.

- What's that?

- It beeps at night.

- Oh, it's a night beeper.

It doesn't beep during the day.

- Well, yes, it did beep
at Arnold a little while ago.

- Arnold?

Is that your wife?

- No, no, Arnold's a pig.

He oinked at the rock
and the rock beeped back.

- The pig oinked at the rock

and the rock beeped back.

Would you care
to take this call?

- Look, can I ask you something?

What would make rock beep?

- Well, I would say
about three martinis.

- Look, I don't want
any sarcasm now.

This rock does beep.

- Or maybe somebody
put something in it.

- No, no, I took it to the
doctor and had it x-rayed.

- What kind of a doctor?

- A general practitioner.

- That's where you
made your mistake.

You should have
taken it to a rock doctor.

- Look I called
you in good faith.

Now can you help me or not?

- I think we can.

Why don't you call 555-2368?

- Now what is that?

- Alcoholics Anonymous.

Goodbye.

- Hello!

Hello!

Miserable.

- Oliver, you better come
down and see what's happening.

The rock is oinking
at Arnold and Arnold

is beeping at the rock.

- Great.

- Well, aren't you coming down?

- Never, never, never.

(playful music)

(beeping)

That does it.

- What are you going to do?

- Get rid of this.

- Oh, but Oliver.

- Either this rock goes or I go.

- But where would you
go at this time of the night?

- Have we got a cardboard
box big enough to hold this?

- What are you
going to do with it?

- I'm going to
mail it to Houston

and let NASA worry about it.

- Very interesting.

Where did this come from?

- Some fellow in
Hooterville sent it.

He called a couple of days ago

and said he had a moon rock.

- He's right, it is a moon rock.

- But Dr. Stoddard, it can't be.

This joke said it beeped.

- He said what?

- That the rock beeped.

He was obviously stoned.

No pun intended, sir.

- Wilson, you have security
clearance, don't you?

- The very highest, sir.

- Come here.

(dramatic music)

You know what those are?

- Well, those are
some of the rocks

that our astronauts
collected on their mission.

- Right, simulated moonlight.

(beeping)

- But Dr. Stoddard, I
didn't know that the rocks.

- Nobody knows except
you and me and the President

and he doesn't feel
the public is ready for it.

(beeping)

(Green Acres theme instrumental)

- [Lisa] This has been a
Filmways Presentation darling.