05x26 - Happy Birthday

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Green Acres". Aired: September 15, 1965 - April 27, 1971.*
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Oliver & Lisa move from NYC to a farm to live off the land and have a simpler life.
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05x26 - Happy Birthday

Post by bunniefuu »

(upbeat music)

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan just
give me that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

(upbeat music)

- Pound of bacon,
two pounds of butter,

two loaves of bread,
a large can of peas,

quart of olive oil,
can of sardines,

and a pound of chopped meat.

That be all Mr. Douglas?

- Yes that's all.

- That comes to a dollar 18.

- A dollar 18?

- Don't get mad at
me, it ain't my doing.

The wholesaler raises
me, I gotta raise you.

- Yeah well...

- It's criminal the way
prices are going up.

You bought any gas lately?

It's 13 cents a gallon now.

(audience laughs)

- 13...

- You need anything
else Mr. Douglas?

- No no thanks that's all.

- I almost forgot,
there's a letter for you.

- Oh?

- Yeah the way
things are going up,

I'm surprised folks
are writing anymore.

Writing paper's gone
up five cents a box.

It's hard to get a bottle of
ink for less than four cents.

Now I hate to tell you what
I have to charge for blotters

and have you bought
any pen wipers lately?

- No I...
- Well don't.

- Could I please have my letter?

- Oh yeah there you are.

The whole thing's
getting out of hand.

It's a good thing Coolidge
didn't choose to run again

'cause I wouldn't
have voted for him.

(audience laughs)

- Yeah I don't
think I would either.

- Anything important?

- Oh no, it's a birthday
card from my mother.

- You know I love those
poems they write on those cards.

You mind if I look at it?

- No, go right ahead.

- Happy birthday oh son of mine.

Hope this finds
you well and fine.

The joys you brought
me all through life.

Never any sorrow,
never any strife.

And now you're
married and have a wife.

Happy birthday oh son of mine.

(audience laughs)

Them poets sure know
how to get to you here.

- Yes, they're real...

- Oh by the way, happy birthday.

- Thanks but my birthday
isn't until tomorrow.

- You're kidding?

You know who else's
birthday it is tomorrow?

- Yours?

- No, Arnold's.
- The pig?

- Yeah, you and him
ought to celebrate together.

- Well not if I can help it.

- Well anyway, best wishes.

- Thank you thank you.

(rattling)

Hi!

- Oh hello dear.

- What's in the washing machine?

- Oh curtains.

- Curtains, how do you, what?

Lisa, most people take
the curtains off the rods.

- Then how do they
know which curtain

goes back on which rod?

- Well they...

- Besides if I just
washed the curtains

and I didn't wash the
rods, then we would have

clean curtains and dirty rods.

And you know how
you are about dirty rods.

- You put the whole
thing in the dryer too?

- Certainly, otherwise we
have dry curtains with wet rods.

And you know how
you are with wet rods.

- Oh yes I'm a
demon on wet rods.

- Where are the groceries?

- They're out in the
car, I'll get oh wait hey.

My mother sent me
a card for my birthday.

- What for?

- For my birthday.

- Oh, happy birthday darling.

- Thank you, but
tomorrow is my birthday.

- That's Arnold's birthday!

- What has that
got to do with...

- You and he should
celebrate together.

- No thanks.

- What do you want
to do for your birthday?

- Nothing.

- How would you
like me to give you

a surprise birthday party?

- Lisa...

- No no, well I get you out of
the house on some pretense

and then we go back in
and we turn on the lights

and everybody jumps
out of the closets

and they yell surprise
surprise and your mouth

flies open and you start to cry.

(audience laughs)

- Lisa, you have given
me surprise parties before.

Now the last one was a lulu.

Remember you got me out
of our apartment in New York?

When we came back...

- Boy were you surprised.

- So were you, somebody
had stolen all our furniture.

(audience laughs)

- Well didn't we have fun?

- I don't want to do
anything on my birthday.

No parties, nothing,
just let the day pass

quietly without any fuss.

Well, maybe after
dinner we can pop open

a bottle of champagne.

- How about a birthday cake?

- Well a birthday cake's fine.

- How many girls do you
want to come out of it?

- Lisa please, do
me a favor, no fuss.

- Then I'll take back the
birthday present I got for you.

- You don't have
to take it back.

- You said no fuss.

- Well I didn't...

- Do you want your present now?

- No, tomorrow.

- Do you want to
know what it is?

- I'll wait.

But I'll go out and
get the groceries.

- Okay, while you're doing that

I'll go and feed your present.

- Mr. Haney!

Mr. Haney.

- Looking for me?

- Well what were you doing...

- I had to use your...
- Oh oh yeah.

- My hands was dirty.

(audience laughs)

Now how much did
you figure on spending?

- For what?

- Arnold's birthday present.

- Arnold's...
- Tomorrow is his birthday.

- It also happens
to be my birthday.

- You're funning me, imagine
two such famous people

being born on the same day.

- Oh now he's not so...

- Well I suppose now
that you want to see

something in the $50 bracket.

- $50 for a pig?

- Well that's for the
complete birthday package.

Card, present, and cake.

- I don't want any...

- Now shall we start by
selecting the birthday card?

Here's one that's very
popular this season.

Happy birthday oh pig o' mine.

- Oh pig o' mine?

- Hope this finds
you well and fine.

The joys you brought
me all through life...

- Yeah yeah I'm
familiar with the poem.

- Oh, that Henry
Wadsworth Longfellow

wrote some great stuff.

- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow?

- Well now that we have
selected the birthday card,

shall we step back to the
mobile gift department?

Every time Mo sees
it, he gets his bile up.

(audience laughs)

- That's the worst
thing I ever heard.

- Yeah but it got you
to the back of the truck.

Now get a grip on
yourself, Mr. Douglas.

Your eyes are
about to be greeted

with an array of gifts
that are worthy of...

- Just show me the junk
and let me get out of here.

- Oh yeah.

There you are, any
one of those would warm

the cockles of a
little pig's heart.

- I'm not interested in
warming his cockles.

- Now I wouldn't
suggest the skis for Arnold

because you'll
need four of them,

but he might enjoy
this basketball.

- But I told you I...

- How about this mink
lined electric snout warmer?

For the pig that has everything.

(audience laughs)

Now this can be plugged
into a set of batteries

that Arnold can wear strapped

to the underside of his stomach.

If you're worried
about it showing...

- I'm not.

- It can be covered with
this matching mink car coat.

(audience laughs)

- Look Mr. Haney...

- Now while your
present is being wrapped,

let's move on to
Arnold's birthday cake.

Ha, that's the size
I would suggest.

What message would you
like printed on the cake?

- Will you get lost?

- Did you get that Sarah?

- Sarah?

(audience laughs)

- Ain't that beautiful?

That was Sarah Hotchkiss,
the world's fastest cake printer.

- Where did she...

- That'll cost you
$8.90, unless you've got

another message
you'd like to add.

- b*at it!

(typewriter clacking)

(audience laughs)

- This is nice too.
- Oh you dirty...

(typewriter clacking)

- There you are, anything
else you'd like to say?

- Not for publication, now
if you don't get your truck

and that little old
cake printer out of here

I'll throw you off my property!

(audience laughs)
(typewriter clacking)

- Cancel that last
message, Sarah.

It ain't a fit sentiment
for a birthday cake.

(audience laughs)

- Oh look Eb...

- I'm wrapping a
birthday present.

I understand it's your
birthday tomorrow.

- You didn't have
to get me anything.

- I didn't, this is for Arnold.

- Arnold?

- Yeah it's his
birthday tomorrow too.

- I know, I know.

- What'd you get him?

- Nothing.

- He's not gonna like that.

- I really don't care.

- He probably won't get you
anything for your birthday.

- Fine.

- Imagine you and Arnold
being born on the same day.

Golly, maybe your
mother and his mother

lay side by side in
the same hospital!

(audience laughs)

- I doubt it.

- Yeah, his mother
probably had a private room.

(audience laughs)

- Well my mother...

- Hey put your
finger right here.

- Right there?
- Yeah.

- Sure.
- Okay?

(yells)

You!

- You ruined the bow!

- I'm sorry!

- Well I guess it'd look
all right without a bow.

Do you want a bow
on your present?

- Thought you didn't
get me a present.

- Oh I was only teasing,
I'm gonna give it to you

at your surprise party.

- Oh I'm not having
a surprise party.

- Well that's a surprise.

- I'm not having any party.

I'm just gonna have
a nice, quiet birthday.

- Oh, are you gonna
give me the day off?

- Why should I do that?

- Well you always give me
Abraham Lincoln's birthday off

and he was a classmate of yours.

(audience laughs)

- Look Eb...

- As long as you're
not having a party

do you want your
birthday present now?

- No.

- You want to know what it is?

- No.

- In that case
I'd better take it

for a walk before I wrap it.

(audience laughs)

- Take it for a walk?

- Well I fed your present.

- Lisa, what did you get me?

- Well it, I don't want
to spoil the surprise.

- But...
- You'll love it!

- I'm sure I will.

- If you'll excuse me,
I'll go and spray it.

- Why do you have to spray it?

- Well that's what
the book says.

- What kind of a...
- Did you see?

- See what?

- Your present, it escaped.

Here Gwendolyn, here Gwendolyn!

- Gwendolyn?

(rooster crows)

Good morning.

- Good morning.

- Is that all?

- Well what else do you want?

- It's my birthday, aren't
you going to wish me

a happy birthday
and give me a kiss?

- You said you
didn't want any fuss.

- A kiss and wishing
me a happy birthday,

I don't call that a fuss.

- I guess a little
kiss wouldn't hurt.

Happy birthday darling.

- Thank you.

- Do you want your present now?

- Oh I'd love it.

(audience laughs)

- Oliver, Oliver
your present is gone!

- Gone?
- Yes.

- What was it?

- Well it was a...

- Mrs. Douglas,
guess what happened!

- What?

- My birthday
present broke its chain

and got into a fight with
your birthday present

and your birthday present
ate my birthday present up

and then it flew away.

(audience laughs)

- It ate it up?

- Well here's the card
that went with it, Dad.

- I am not your... Thank you.

- I'm sorry about your
present, but if you capture

Mrs. Douglas's, you'll
probably find mine inside.

(audience laughs)

- What kind of
presents are they?

- Well mine was a...

- Come on Eb, let's
go out and look for it.

- I'll be happy to help you.

- Oh thank you, but you
wouldn't know what to look for.

- Well I...

Happy birthday oh boss o' mine.

Hope this finds
you well and fine.

That Henry Wadsworth
Longfellow was really prolific.

(audience laughs)

- Oh Oliver, sit down.

- Mhmm did you find the...

- No no no Eb is
still looking for it.

- Well what is it?

- Close your eyes, I
have a surprise for you.

Okay you can open it.

- What are those?

- Your birthday hot cakes.

- Oh Lisa, I thought on my
birthday I could have a decent...

- Make a wish and
blow out the candle.

Did you get your wish?

- No, they're still there.

(audience laughs)

- What does that mean?

- Oh nothing.

- Oh wait a moment, I
have to birthday them up.


- What's that?

- Chocolate syrup.

- Chocolate?

- Go on, eat.

Isn't that good?

- Delicious.

- You're not supposed
to eat the candle!

- Oh no it's the best part.

- Well Oliver really!

(knocking)

- I'll get it.

(knocking)

Ah Mr. Ziffel.

- Happy birthday Mr. Douglas.

- Thank you.

(snorting)

- Arnold says
happy birthday too.

- Oh well thank you, come in.

- Go on in, Arnold.

Mr. Douglas, Arnold brought
you a birthday present.

- Well, thank you very much.

- You know today is
Arnold's birthday too.

- Yes, happy birthday.

- Aren't you gonna
give him a kiss?

- No.

(snorting)

- Arnold wants to
know what you got him.

- I didn't get him anything.

(snorting)

- Well I told you he wouldn't.

- Oh hello there Mr. Ziffel.

(snorting)

Oh hello there Arnold!

Happy birthday.

(snorting)

What's that?

- Oh this is a
present from Arnold.

- And you didn't
get him anything.

Oh you must feel
like a real cheapskate.

- I am not a...
- Read the card!

- Happy birthday oh
cheapskate o' mine.

(snorting)

Hope this finds
you well and fine.

- Open the present.

What is that?

- It's an electric snout warmer.

(audience laughs)

- Oh it's just what
you always wanted.

- I never.

- Well he got two of 'em, he
thought you might want one.

(snorting)

He says that you
can put the batteries

under your vest you know, so...

- I know how to wear it.

(snorting)

- And now the main
reason I come over

was to invite you
and Mrs. Douglas

over to Arnold's
birthday party tonight.

It's gonna be an informal
soiree, black tie as you know.

- Black tie for a...

- Thank you very much,
we'll be there, what time?

- Eight o'clock.

Come on Arnold.

(snorting)

Arnold says you've got all
day to buy him a present.

- [Oliver] Yes goodbye!

- What dress should I wear?

- Lisa we're not going.

- Oh yes we are.

- Oh no we're not.

- We'll discuss it later.

- Lisa what are
you dressed up for?

- Arnold's party, I
laid out your tuxedo.

- I told you I'm not going.

- Oh but it will be fun.

- No no Lisa I know
what you're up to

and you're not getting
me out of this house.

- Oh but Oliver...

- If you want to go, you go.

- What will you do?

- I'll just sit in front
of the fire and read.

- Oh won't you please come?

- No thanks.

- Well all right.

See you later.

(knocking)

(horn blows)

- Surprise!

- Surprise.

- Where is everybody?

- There's nobody here but me.

- Well happy birthday.

(horn blows)

- Mr. Kimball I'm not
having a birthday party.

- Are you sure?

The instructions I
got said to be here

promptly at nine o'clock.

Be there promptly
at nine o'clock.

Oh I see my mistake.

I thought I was
supposed to be here,

but I was supposed to be there.

- Right.

- You don't happen to
know where there is?

- Well I imagine it's
over at the Ziffel's.

- Why would they want
to hold a surprise party

for you over there
when you're here?

Well I better be going.

Want to come with me?

- No thanks.

- Well, happy
birthday! (horn blows)

- That Lisa.

I told her I didn't
want a surprise party,

but well if she went
to all that trouble.

(knocking)

- Well, here I am.

- Well what about it?

- Can't I come in so
everybody can yell surprise?

- Nobody here to yell surprise
but me and Doris is asleep.

- There's no
surprise party for me?

- Nope.

We had one for Arnold, but it
ended about three hours ago.

- My wife isn't home yet.

- Where'd she go?

- She was here.

- No she wasn't here.

- Are you sure?

- Positive.

- That's funny.

- Then why ain't you laughing?

(audience laughs)

- No I mean it's peculiar.

Oh, I see.

When I get home the
surprise party will be there.

- Well have a nice
time, goodnight.

- Here I am, hello.

Lisa, Lisa?

Wake up.

- What?

Where have you been?

- Never mind that,
where have you been?

- You tell me where you've been

and I'll tell you
where I've been.

- I was out looking for you.

- You had to put on
your tuxedo for that?

- Well I decided to
go over to the Ziffels

and I thought...
- I didn't see you there.

- Yeah that's because
you weren't there.

- Who said?

- Mr. Ziffel.

He said you never showed up.

- Oh, well goodnight.

- Wait just a second here.

Where were you?

- I was at the Ziffels party.

- Lisa!

- If you don't believe me,
let's go over to the Ziffels

and I'll prove it to you.

- By the time you
get dressed again...

(audience laughs)

- What?

Oh yeah, all right
let's go to the Ziffels.

(knocking)

- Oliver, Oliver
it's dark in there!

I don't think you
ought to wake them up.

- I have a feeling
nobody will mind.

Here I am again.

- I wish you'd sober up
and let me get some sleep.

- I am sober.

- Oh hi Mrs. Douglas,
we sure had a great time

at the party didn't we?

- Yes it was a real ding wing.

- Mr. Ziffel you told me my
wife didn't come to your party.

- I said that?

- Yes!

- Now why would he say
that when I was at the party?

- I don't know!

- Mr. Douglas, take my advice

and go home and sleep it off.

(audience laughs)

- Well, anybody else
you want to wake up?

- No!

Let's go home.

Well Lisa you really fooled me.

- How's that?

- Well I thought you were
having a surprise party

for me over at the Ziffels

I went over there,
there's nobody there.

Then I thought when
I came back here...

- Well Oliver you said you
didn't want a surprise party

so I didn't give you one.

You're the master,
and I'm the sl*ve.

I am yours to command.

Anything you want.

- Yeah well...

- Why don't we go
inside the house?

- Yeah.

Well here I am.

- Why do you keep saying that?

- So that when I turn on
the light everybody can...

What, they did it again!

They stole our furniture!

You and your surprise party.

- Well it's all your fault.

If you had gone along with it

I could have given
you the party right here,

instead of going
through all that stuff

to take you to the Ziffels.

- Yeah yeah it was all my fault.

- And if you had taken
the present yesterday

when I wanted to give it to you,

then my present wouldn't
have eaten up Eb's present

and flown away.

- Well I don't know what it was,

but I'm glad it flew away.

- Well I'll have to give
you something else.

What is it you
would like to have

more than anything
else in the world?

- A bed.

- Oh, do you want
a king size bed?

- No twin beds, one
in this room for you

and one in the other room
for me so I can get some sleep.

- Oliver!

- What?

- How old were
you on this birthday?

(audience laughs)

- Goodnight.

(upbeat music)

- [Narrator] This has been a
Filmways presentation darling.
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