09x16 - The Downtown Boys

[bunniefuu]

ADULT ADAM: Back in the ' s,

there were no closer friends
than my brother Barry's crew,

the JTP.

They played together,

lived together, even did
whatever this was together.

Yep, they were inseparable.
For my brother and his boys,

this was how it would be forever.

- Or so they thought.
- Oh, man,

that was an epic Pat's vs.
Geno's cheesesteak taste battle,

and they're still going at it inside me.

Uh, it's nothing the good
folks at Tums can't handle.

I read an article in Reader's Digest.

- Said to use Gas-X.
- Oh.

Let's see, I can't read the dosage.

- Is that a " " or a cartoon butt?
- Let me take a look.

Here, can you hold my walking stick?

What's going on with you guys?

You're acting like old men.

How much time does Naked
Rob need in the bathroom?

Ow! What was that?

Look, it's a bunch of kids
smashing fruit like we used to!

Attention, random youths!

Did you get express written
consent to play our game?

What are you saying, old dude?

"Old dude"?

How dare you?

We're young like you. Maybe younger.

Judging from your use of
the phrase "How dare you?"

you probably have a bank account.

[Laughs] Shows what you know.

I don't.

Bar, you don't have a bank account?

Not even a simple checking?

- Gotta build credit, bro.
- Never!

And I challenge our peers
here to a game of smashball.

Bring it on, George Burns.

I assume you mean teenage George Burns,

so thank you.

And so began the most
embarrassing game of smashball

the JTP ever played.

- They whiffed bad.
- Oh!

They swallowed their pride...

- and probably some seeds.
- Oh! Ugh!

And in a game that they created,

- a game with no real scoring...
- Oh!

... or means to determine a winner,

- JTP clearly lost.
- Oh!

Ugh, I think I have a grape in my ear.

Also, how long has Naked
Rob been in the bathroom?

I mean, at what point do we check?

I'll go get some Nuprin from my car.

No pills!

Our bodies heal themselves naturally.

It's more about pain management.

No, the JTP never give up.

To quote the sloppily
edited-for-TV version

of Lethal w*apon,

"I'm too old for this ship."

No, we are not!

If anything, we're too young
for this [bleep]... Ow!

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless I
feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪

ADULT ADAM: It was March
th, -something...

My newly married sister was
headed out for her honeymoon.

Okay, I'm off to the Poconos
with my husband.

Whoa, "husband."

That sounds so weird.
Am I saying it right?

- "Hoos-bond"?
- The Poconos?

I thought that place was made up.

Nah, it's a place where young
people who have no jobs

or money go on their honeymoon.

"Hey, we're married
now. There's a tree."

Have your fun, but while
I'm starting my new life,

- you'll be here all alone with Mom.
- What are you talking about?

Dad's at that furniture
convention, remember?

- [Sighing] Oh.
- Wow, people will really convene

- over anything.
- And while he's away,

Mom is gonna be on you
like gravy on rice.

You put gravy on rice?

You can gravy anything, Dave Kim.

But the point is,
Adam's in real trouble.

Dammit, she's right! She's gonna
smother me like gravy on muffins.

Gravy is not that versatile.

- Unless...
- Unless what?

... you watch our apartment
while we're away.

Water our plants, check our mail,

be there when our new
dishwasher arrives.

No way. You just want
me to be your houseboy.

No, but the delivery window

is anytime between : and :

for the next days.

Adam, exciting news.

I made us matching bed coats

for our thrilling week of fun together.

Mom, I realize Dad's out of town,

but it's actually my spring break.

I know that, silly.

Welcome to South Madre Island. [Laughs]

I bought a Frisbee and a
couple of inflatable flamingos.

Hey, just like MTV...

[softer] but not at all.

- I'm gonna go.
- Me, too.

Have fun in your spring-break bed coats.

Wait! Actually, Mom?

Erica asked me to watch her apartment

while she's away, and
I graciously accepted.

But that's... [softer] downtown,

where the buildings and busy people are.

I would have loved to
stay and braid your hair,

but brother duty calls.

- You made a good choice.
- Ultimately, I didn't have one.

ADULT ADAM: While I was fleeing
my mom for the big city,

Barry was determined

to return the JTP's youthful spirit.

- Do you have pogo sticks?
- This is a Shade Shack.

Dammit!

What else ya got that can rekindle

my best friends' youthful spirits?

Have you seen these?

They're... red.

ADULT ADAM: In that moment,

Barry knew exactly what would
help his friends feel alive again.

It's perfect.

So, dudes, for $ . ,
I can turn you into stars.

Or detail your cars. Either way.

You two, leave.

Whoa!

There's a man who knows what he wants.

- What do you want?
- Your search is over.

I got your next boy band right here.

Excellent! I would
love to meet this child

that you are obscuring
behind your strange body.

The child is me. I and my
similarly shaped amigos

will become the next Menudo.

But, you know, in English.

May I inquire as to how
young a teen you may be?

What's with the Barbara
Walters interview?

Apologies. This is my younger
brother, Jean Calabasas.

And before you ask, different fathers.

He wasn't gonna ask.

Well, then, here's an answer
to another question

you have not yet posed.

Yes, you're a star, baby!

- I am?
- He is?

I awkwardly just said it, didn't I?

I took one look at you
and your anonymous bros,

and I can tell you, your boy
band is gonna be a success.

I knew coming to the mall today
would solve all my problems!

Brother, uh, private business meeting.

I'm not comfortable with this.

You want cash for culinary school,

he wants to give it to you.

Everybody wins, especially me.

I can hear you guys.

And pretty soon, with my little
bro's expensive guidance,

America's gonna hear you
on every radio station.

I'm assuming you can sing and dance.

- Obviously.
- Doesn't matter, but I knew it.

So, as soon as that cash hits my hand,

this guy is gonna jump
aboard your rocket ship

to fame and fortune.

Rocket? I don't wanna get in
any vehicle with this guy.

And that's the kind of honest
feedback you can expect

from this mall's preeminent
boy-band aficionado.

Take my father's money!

[Laughs]

ADULT ADAM: As Barry was
getting his band up and running,

Dave Kim and I were heading downtown

- to see what it had to offer.
- Wow,

we're on our own in the big city.

The concrete jungle, where
buildings touch the sky.

And blot out the sun.

I hope these city dwellers are
supplementing with vitamin D.

Come on, let's just get out there

and see what she has to offer.

The art, the cuisine from far and wide,

the most sophisticated and
urbane people in the world.

Philadelphia?

There's a guy out there
in an Eagles jersey

screaming "Dallas sucks!" as he pukes.

It's a Tuesday in the spring.

Dave Kim, whether you like it or not,

we're downtown boys now,

and we're gonna do downtown-boy things.

- Fine. I could get a coffee.
- Yes! Let's do it.

ADULT ADAM: So we hit the streets.

And for a moment, it was pretty great.

Ah, I love coffee!

It's so bitter and awful,

but also alluring and delicious.

My twitching eyes and racing heart

are distracting me from my
impending tummy trouble.

ADULT ADAM: But, soon,
the streets started to hit back.

Hey, spare a dollar?

Oh, sorry, but I only have a .

And I only got three toes.

He makes a good argument.

Well, spend it wisely.

- Hey, give me these.
- Hey!

Whoa! He can really move for
a guy with incomplete feet.

But our bad luck didn't end there.

Hey, you guys want to see a show?

I can't read it. Is it
a play or a musical?

It's called "Girls! Girls! Girls!"

And the cast is wearing
a lot of lipstick.

They'll do or wear whatever you want.

Oh!

Immersive theater.

Oh, no!

Adult situations!

- Run, Dave Kim!
- Run where?

It's all a blur! Oh!

ADULT ADAM: Even the magic
show we stumbled upon

didn't lift our spirits.

That one has to be the queen.

Sorry.

Well, you are quite the prestidigitator.

- [Bleep] you call me?
- Run, Dave Kim!

- Hey.
- Why are we running so much?

My God, millions of
people choose this life?

And how have we passed tattoo parlors

and not a single LensCrafters?

Okay, we'll be safe as
long as we stay together.

- [Horn honking]
- Oh, there's my mom.

- See ya.
- But we're downtown boys!

I'm sorry.

I'm not, and I never will
be, a downtown boy.

- That's not your mom!
- ADULT ADAM: And just like that,

I was alone in the big city.

Which totally wasn't a problem,

- right after I called my own mommy.
- [Dialing]

- Schmoopie, what is it?
- I was robbed by a man with no toes!

- Oh, no!
- And I saw some ladies

- through the cr*ck of a door.
- Oh, no!

And the magic-show man
raised his voice at me.

- Oh, no!
- The city is awful.

Everywhere I go, something drips on me,

even when it's not raining.

Where's it coming from?

Mama's on her way.

[Tires screech]

Poopaloo!

The city can't get you now.

Lock the door!
There's a bike in the hall!

ADULT ADAM: As my mom came to my rescue,

Barry wanted to save his friends

from thinking their best
days were behind them.

JTP except for Geoff,
who's on his honeymoon!

[Boys together] JTP except for
Geoff, who's on his honeymoon!

I have great news.

Your pathetic display yesterday

of weakness and physical
dilapidation has borne fruit.

I, I wouldn't say pathetic.

How dare you let yourself age.

Aw, come on, Bar, it's
not about getting older.

We're just a little distracted.

Like, I think I picked the wrong major.

I mean, art history? [Scoffs]

What the hell am I supposed to
do with that when I graduate?

I, too, am at a crossroads.

Um, my dad's retiring.

And I always thought, you
know, if nothing panned out,

I could just follow
him into that career,

but that door has just been shut.

You're upset you can no longer
manufacture toddler car seats?

We saved lives.

Except for that one model.

I've gone as far as I can go at the Gap.

The back-to-school rush
used to be exhilarating.

But nowadays, it's just like,

"Will these kids please
stop unfolding the jeans?!"

I was barely listening,

- but I have the perfect solution.
- [Knock on door]

We're gonna be in the
next great boy band.

Hey, I'm Jean Calabasas,

your manager and boy-band consultant.

And it's worse than I thought.

Bar, what's going on?

We're not boys anymore.

We're boys who just happen to be older

than conventionally aged boys.

- You mean, adults?
- Sure, but also boys.

And I have the perfect
name for our band.

"Men Boyz"?

I took one of the best boy-band names,

Boyz II Men, I flipped it,

then I doubled it.

That reads like "Men for boys."

We're a tad older, but still youthful.

Twice as good.

I flipped it, and then I doubled it.

Yeah, I'm gonna move on.
He's not getting it.

What does this guy do?

I really don't have an answer for you.

Maybe, uh, nodding and smiling.

He's the man behind
the men who are boys.

For example, you, uh, you want a soda?

- He gets you a soda.
- No.

- He writes the songs.
- I don't.

- Does the choreography.
- Uh-uh.

Free spirit who can't be tamed.

I love it. What do you say?

Will you take my hand and
join me on this journey

of dance-pop success?

I do need a distraction.

I mean, the deadline to switch
majors isn't till tomorrow.

Maybe my father will see me
struggling and not retire.

All the right reasons. Hands in!

- Men Boyz!
- I'm not saying that.

- Sounds bad on the ear.
- I don't get how you don't hear it.

To the studio!

Come on. Come on, Jean.

None of you can ride with me.

ADULT ADAM: My brother had
somehow convinced the JTP

to form a boy band,

despite the fact that none
of them were actually boys.

Gentlemen!

Look at each other closely.

Today is the last day
you're all nameless losers.

- Losers?
- Don't you want this?

'Cause there's a trillion other
boys right behind you who do.

That seems like too many boys.

Okay, I'll jump right in,
or we'll never get home.

Show me your moves.

I have pretty severe
arthritis in my ankles.

- It's hilarious.
- Uh, is this gonna be high-octane?

The highest.

- How are your singing voices?
- Not good.

I have something called
performance burps.

I produce too much saliva.
Will that be an issue?

I sing like an angel,
but, unfortunately,

I was just diagnosed
with a rare condition

called Dog-Hair Lung.

I guess that's not nothing.

Damn right, it isn't.

'Cause Jean here is gonna transform us

from a ragtag group

with an alarming amount of
physical and emotional ailments

into a teen sound sensation.

Why don't we start with some scales?

No need! I've already taken
the liberty of writing

an international mega-jam
with choreography.

It's called "Age Appropriate"?

There's a slim chance some
of our fans might think

we're slightly older than our
smokin'-hot teenage personas.

So I decided to steer into the skid,

crafting a song that both rocks bodies

and answers questions.

Uh, I guess we're really gonna do this.

- Two, three, four!
- [Up-tempo music plays over speakers]

♪ Oh, girl, where are you from? ♪

♪ It's super cool that
we're both so young ♪

♪ Yeah, girl ♪

♪ I think it'd be groovy ♪

♪ To take you out to an R-rated movie ♪

♪ Hey, girl, there's nobody finer ♪

♪ But I cannot hang with
you if you are a minor ♪

♪ Because of my age,
certain statutes apply ♪

♪ If you're under ,
then I'm just not your guy ♪

BARRY: ♪ Yo, girl ♪

♪ Or should I say, young lady ♪

♪ I need to see some I.D.,
and then we can go crazy ♪

ALL: ♪ You gotta be age appropriate ♪

♪ We're boys but also men ♪

♪ Please be age appropriate ♪

- ♪ And that means plus ♪
- [Baritone Voice] ♪ Or older ♪

[Rapping] ♪ What's up, girl,
or should I call you "madam"? ♪

♪ I know you don't know
me, know me from Adam ♪

♪ Adam's my brother, he's ♪

♪ If you're young like him,
then you're too green ♪

♪ But if you can vote or buy a g*n ♪

♪ Then you and me can have some fun ♪

[All singing] ♪ You gotta
be age appropriate ♪

♪ We're boys who can grow beards ♪

♪ Please be age appropriate ♪

♪ Or else it would be weird ♪

[Music ends, clicks]

[Panting] That... was... amazing.

- [Laughing] Yes!
- That was your takeaway?

Besides the lyrics and our voices,

it was so great to groove with you guys.

- I liked the little shuffle we did.
- I liked the shuffle, too!

My ankle's kinda blowing up now.

Jean, get on the phone,
call Veterans Stadium.

Why exactly would I do that?

'Cause we're gonna need a venue

that can hold all our screaming fans.

You have half a song

about a kind of controversial issue,

and that guy is laying down.

You see it, too.

Okay, I'll put you in our mall
showcase with the other children,

but it's gonna cost you another $ .

Boys, we have our manager,

and he loves our sound.

I got a dollar if you have .

ADULT ADAM: As the JTP was
dreaming of superstardom,

my mom had come to rescue me
from my big-city nightmare.

Schmooey, spring break is here.

- Time to rise and shine.
- Ugh, no, thanks.

Between the coffee shakes

and the ominous soundtrack of the city,

- I barely slept.
- Oh,

- well, I guess I could take a stroll.
- There you go.

ADULT ADAM: And so, my mom
began her own big-city adventure.

- She got coffee.
- I just bought coffee

from a woman named Domino.

- She made friends.
- How delightful!

She explored the local art scene.

A one-woman show at a bookstore?

- And, of course, she shopped.
- Yay!

The combined headwear of Mary and Rhoda,

TV's most modern and
independent gals. [Chuckles]

She met the colorful locals.

Oh, my!

You are the most scrumptious
mama I've ever seen!

I know!

Such splendid and unnecessary color.

[Gasps] You know, I don't
think I've ever said this

to a woman before, but I love you.

ADULT ADAM: Yep, unlike me,
my mom couldn't get enough

of her downtown adventure.

She didn't want it to end.

There you are! Thank God!

- Let's go.
- Yeah, we should go.

[Gasps] sh**t!

What about Erica's dishwasher?

- [Clicks tongue] sh**t.
- She doesn't need a dishwasher!

- She's got Geoff.
- No, you know what?

You go. Take the car.

No sense in both of us waiting around.

Love your thinking.
How full is the gas t*nk?

Doesn't matter. I'm not stopping.

ADULT ADAM: As my mom was
discovering she was a downtown girl,

Barry and the JTP were
preparing to get up onstage

- in front of a bunch of kids.
- Wow, they are really good.

- And really boys.
- Not to worry.

When they see our act,
they'll go cryin' home to Mama.

Because they still live
with their parents,

because, again, they're boys.

Ah-ha! There they are, my golden geese.

'Cause we're gonna give
you a stack of hit records.

What else could I possibly mean?

Are you boys ready to go on?

- He just called us boys.
- I'm pumped!

I have the right shoes on.

- This is really happening.
- I can't let you do this.

Um, he means that
we can't let you do this

without a good-luck pat on the head.

[Chuckles] Ooh, wow.
So wet for no reason.

- No, my conscience won't allow it.
- I don't get it.

Why do you suddenly not
believe in us, Jean Calabasas?

Because I never believed in you.

I just wanted to open a
burger stand in a train car.

Guys, now that the adrenaline
has flushed from my body,

I'm realizing I'm about
to sing and gyrate

in front of a bunch of children.

What have I been talked into?

- I see my niece out there!
- Yeah, I'm % out.

- Guys, wait!
- No, Bar, I, I can't believe

you're gonna let us go out there.

What am I wearing?

I can't believe you made us
do a photo sh**t on the pier.

- The pier, Barry!
- Okay, I'm sorry.

Maybe I was just trying
to convince you guys

that no matter how old you are

or how your bodies feel or
what life throws at you,

you can do anything,
'cause you're the JTP.

You're invincible.

I just wish you would see
yourselves the way I see you.

That was incredibly moving.

No refunds, boys.

ADULT ADAM: While Barry was upset
to give up his boy-band dreams,

I was ecstatic to be in
the comfort of my own home.

Man, it's good to be back in
the loving bosom of the 'burbs.

But what happened downtown,

the things we saw,

hell, the things we did...

Don't be surprised if society
doesn't understand us anymore.

Is your mom home yet?
Someone needs to feed me.

She should have been here by now.

Can we call your mom to feed us?

She's working at the restaurant

feeding someone else's son.

I'll call my mom and ask

if she can get one of
her friends to feed us.

They live for that kind of thing.

- [Telephone ringing]
- [Upbeat music plays loudly]

- Hello?
- Mrs. Kremp?

Essie, is that you? Where
are you with the wine?

It's Adam Goldberg.

Oh, my God, you sound
exactly like Essie.

Randall, you gotta hear this!

There are people at the apartment.

Mrs. Kremp, what's going on?

Did my mom ask you over

so she could tell you how to feed me?

No, that's gotta be Essie.

Essie, darling, where's the wine?

That's what I'm saying. It's not her.

- [Receiver clicks]
- Dude,

you mom is having a bohemian city party.

My mom embracing the counterculture?

She wouldn't let the guy who
patched the roof use the bathroom.

Whatever she's doing,
it sounds like that apartment

is full of life and new ideas.

ADULT ADAM: That's when it hit me.

[Dramatic music plays]

- She was in trouble.
- Oh, no! Mama!

Everyone, hands up!

Or you have to deal with blue here!

- Adam?
- Oh, sweet Mama, you're alive!

So, it's not just on the phone.

Has he always sounded like Essie?

I don't know. I didn't
hear it till today.

Yeah, I'm gonna leave.

There are, like, murderers
and stuff out there.

Adam, baby, why'd you call the fuzz?

"Fuzz"? You're even
using their lingo now?

- Who's "they"?
- City folk.

How are you thriving here?

I don't know. There's a new
discovery around every corner.

Exactly! And I'm terrified of all of it!

I mean, I'm supposed
to go to NYU next year.

How the hell am I gonna survive that?

- Schmoo...
- I just don't think I can do it.

I just don't.

ADULT ADAM: After failing to
keep his best friends youthful

with the boy band,

Barry felt more out of tune than ever.

Hey, Bar, can we talk?

So you can tell me you're replacing
me as leader of the JTP?

- Why would we do that?
- 'Cause I tried to make you shimmy

for preteens and their moms.

Well, admittedly, that wasn't great,

- but the idea behind it was.
- Yeah,

you were just trying
to lift our spirits.

And you saw how burdened
we were with all the stuff

that comes with getting older.

And you wanted to remind
us that no matter what,

we're young at heart.

And you did it because you love us.

I really do.

And we love you, too, man.

And that makes you the best leader

the JTP could ever have.

JTP!

BOYS: JTP!

- Get in here.
- ♪ I can't get to sleep ♪

So, does this mean you might
reconsider forming a group?

We have something else in mind.

ADULT ADAM: With that, the JTP
didn't return to the stage.

But they did return to the Wawa.

Cheggit.

Grampa Munster is back for a rematch.

Game on.

As the JTP reclaimed their past,

- I was still worried about my future.
- Hey.

I got you a souvenir.

A Liberty Bell key chain?

Really? So I can be constantly reminded

that I couldn't hack it in the big city?

Adam, next year, you're
gonna put your dorm

and mail and bike keys on this,

and a million other keys

that are gonna unlock the whole world.

That's sweet.

But, honestly, I'm
not sure I'll survive.

I'm gonna have to live
in New York on my own.

It's gonna be an adjustment.

But you'll learn to love it,
and you'll never be alone.

Oh, because I'm gonna have a roommate

going through the same things I am?

Oh, no! I'll be there constantly.

Turns out, I love the city.

I know. [Chuckles]

- When did that happen?
- Too late.

I never got the chance to live the
life you will as a young person.

And truthfully, I regret it.

And the last thing I would ever want

is for you to regret it, too.

Thanks, Mom.

ADULT ADAM: Part of growing
up is facing change.

And change can be scary.

But even though you can't
turn back the clock...

- Yeah!
- ... every once in a while,

you might be able to
slow time down a little.

JTP!

- TOGETHER: JTP!
- More than anything,

in the end, living in the present
is what's most important.

When you savor every moment

with the people you care about most,

- life is extra sweet.
- So good, man.

Oh, yeah.

- Nice.
- We did it, man.

_

Adam, what the hell?!

Oh, right!

The dishwasher.

Thanks for bringing it in.

- Who are all these people?
- I'm Randall.

- This is Domino...
- DOMINO: Hi!

- ... Juniper...
- JUNIPER: Hey.

- ... Roxie...
- I don't want to know all these people.

And, Adam, I didn't give you permission

- to throw a party.
- Oh, this isn't mine.

Who wants sangria?

The peaches are from Carlos's bodega!

¡Gracias, Carlos!

We are gonna have such a good
time being downtown girls.

Oh, no.