05x05 - The World Is Mean Right Now

[bunniefuu]

Harry Hay founded
the Mattachine Society in .

Which was one of the first organizations

to, like, advocate for gay
rights in the United States.

But the same guy who founded the society

ended up also being an
apologist for pedophilia

at the end of his life.

Which is ironic, 'cause,
like, a lot of gay people

were trying to fight
that as a stereotype,

so it's actually, like, super
problematic, progress-wise...

[PANTING]: Frankie. Stop. Just stop.

Just stop. Just stop.

Mom, are you really out of breath?

- Yeah.
- You know, humans used

to have to walk seven miles
a day just to get food.

You look ridiculous.

- Yes.
- That is sad.

Seriously, you need to get in shape.

Can you imagine if you
did this every single day?

You might actually have
a chance of living past .

Yes.

[EXHALES]: Ooh.

[SNIFFS]

Smells like caca.

Smells like a lot of doody everywhere.

There was a place called "Dog Doo Lane"

- where I grew up.
- Mom, get into frame.

- Am I in it?
- Do we have to?

- We're doin' it!
- Do we have to document

- everything that we do?
- [SAM PANTING]

Mom, keep up. Oh, my God.

Can we keep moving, please?

Whew.

Sana, sana, colita de rana.

[MUTTERS IN SPANISH]

Mmm.

- Is this borscht?
- Mm-hmm.

Is this the Russian version
or the Ukrainian version?

- It's the delicious version.
- Mm.

Mmm. Want to try?

- Yeah.
- Blow, blow, blow.

Tell me that's not the best thing
you've ever tasted.

Needs more salt.

Thanks.

[SAM CHUCKLES]

Okay, could you back up,
please? 'Cause ya hoverin'.

Mom, my hovering has to do
with my childhood trauma.

[CHUCKLES]: Oh. What?

It's too much to get
into now. It's okay.

You couldn't help it.
I adapted to your moods.

You want to hear my favorite quote?

- Sure, go ahead.
- Okay.

[CLEARS THROAT]

"The first problem for
all of us, men and women,

is not to learn, but to unlearn."

SAM: Who said that?

Gloria Steinem.

Deep.

Love that.

[SLURPS]

[SMACKING LIPS]

Does need more salt.

Mmm. Mmm.

SAM: Honey baby! Time to go!

Yes.

FRANKIE: Mom, have you ever read
The Drama of the Gifted Child?

Does borscht have a lot of calories?

Mom, what's the difference
between a freckle and a mole?

Yes.

No.

Moles are darker.

This is gonna make Gran so happy.

Oops! I'm spilling borscht.

- Mom, how long are we staying for?
- Seriously?

SAM: Don't ask how
long we're staying for.

- That's so rude.
- You want me to ask in front of her?

You know how many hours
this took me to make?

- How many hours?
- I've been cooking this for five hours.

[BRITISH ACCENT]: Come on, Nan,
you old cow, answer the door!

SAM: And don't freak out
when you pee tomorrow.

Remember that you had beets,

which is borscht.

Here we go. I made your favorite, girls.

Chicken wings. I made a lot

because you always complain
I don't make enough.

Are you kidding me right now?

Don't be so sensitive, darling.

Chicken goes well with bowls of ruffage.

You just cock-blocked my borscht.

Yeah.

SAM: Mmm!

Yummy borscht.

[BRITISH ACCENT]: Good when hot.

Max, will you pass
the sour cream, please?

- MAX: Yeah.
- SAM: Mmm, mmm, mm-mm.

FRANKIE: This is really good, Mom.

SAM: Thank you.

Mom?

Mom?

DUKE: Nan?

Oh. Yes, darling?

- You okay?
- I'm grand.

DUKE: Sit down.

Mm.

Hmm.

You happy, Nan?

Happy?

"Happy" is an odd word.

It's quite an American thing, you know,

pursuit of happiness.

Happiness is fleeting.

But meaningful.

That's another story.

Speaking of which,

I have a surprise.

What? Another surprise?

You mean the chicken wasn't enough?

- Yeah, Mom.
- SAM: Oh!

What are we doing?

- [SNAPPING FINGERS]
- We need vodka for the borscht.

Be right back, be right back.

PHYLLIS: I found these,

and I wanted to share them with you.

- Look at her.
- Oh!

So beautiful.

- Is that me?
- Sure is.

- [GASPS]
- Mom.

It's pictures of your wedding to Dad.

- Oh. What?
- Don't you want to see these?

You look so lovely, darling.

No. No. No, I do not want to see those.

- Mom...
- Stay where you are. Stay right there.

Don't move.

Mom, it's me inside of you.

I don't want to see that. Please.

I thought the girls would
enjoy seeing you look young.

Yeah, Mom, you don't
really even look like you.

Thanks.

Phil, can you put the album away?

Mom, no, we have a right to see these.

This led to our own existence.

This was the reception.

There I am.

I looked handsome, didn't I?

FRANKIE: Yeah, Nan, you did.

Mom, can you just be nostalgic
for, like, five minutes?

This isn't nostalgia, okay?

Nostalgia is pleasant, Frankie.

These memories are very unpleasant.

Mom, do you realize how it makes me feel

when you say things like that?

I wouldn't have been born
if it wasn't for my dad.

This is my history.

No, this is my history, okay?

You're not the only one
with trauma, Frankie.

Those memories are very painful to me.

Such a good actress, Mom.

Really, so performative.

MURRAY: So I bid two clubs.

She bids three hearts.
What am I supposed to do?

[IMITATING MURRAY]: I bid two clubs.

Dad, you're so loud.

[LAUGHTER]

Oh.

Would you look at her.

Such an actress.

Look at this performance.

You've got everyone's attention.

[SLOW CLAPPING CONTINUES]

Mom, look how curly your hair is.

MAX: Nan, did you cry at the wedding?

Oh, no. I knew this
marriage had a ticking clock.

- [CAMERA CLICKS]
- But...

Look. Look at this one.

Sam carrying your
father. This was an omen.

Day one of a codependent pact

that's been going on
for over two decades.

Don't you think, Sam?

[SIGHS HEAVILY]

[UTENSIL CLATTERS]

- SAM: You know what?
- FRANKIE: Mom.

Call me when you're done
reading from your favorite book.

[SAM SIGHS HEAVILY]

[DOOR CLOSES]

All righty.

Anyone want to read The New York Times

from when President Kennedy was sh*t?

Why are you so tone-deaf?

If Mom did what you
just did to any of you,

you would've exploded.

It's so passive-aggressive.

No. Just aggressive.

Okay, don't overreact.
He's our dad, too,

and we should be able
to look at photos of him.

Max, how the f*ck would it feel

if we all started fangirling
over photos of you and Ollivier

after you broke up? Huh?

Or you, Frankie, what if we
all just started dissecting

- old photos of you that you hate?
- Okay, that's different,

- so just...
- And, Gran, sorry to say this,

but the only reason any
of us even came today was

because Mom forced us.
We all had other plans.

But Mom, your loyal daughter,

rounded us all up on a Saturday
just to make you feel happy

- and cheer you up.
- Forced?

Okay.

[GASPS]

Oh, my God.

I'll get you a new glass.

[SIGHS]

♪ Time cast a spell on me ♪

- [TAKES DEEP BREATH]
- ♪ To bind me to your feet ♪

♪ Dizzying breeze ♪

♪ Speed my heartbeat ♪

♪ Salt stings ♪

♪ Feel something ♪

♪ I can't feel ♪

♪ Anything ♪

- [COYOTES HOWLING]
- [TAKES DEEP BREATH]

Hi.

- [TYPING]
- How are you?

[CLEARS THROAT] I'm here to see Dr...

- Yes. No.
- Babu.

Well, like I said, we don't
have anything until March.

- You're on the phone. My bad.
- Yeah.

Well, you could find another provider.

[TYPING]

Have a nice day.

How's your day going so far?

Just a minute.

- Mm.
- [TYPING]

Can I help you?

I have a : with Dr. Babu. Sam Fox.

Okay. Sam.

Fox?

Mm-hmm.

Here you go.

- Fill that out. Sit down.
- Okay,

but I just wanted to check
on the follow-up appointment

Dr. Babu wanted me to make.

It's on the th.

Mm-mm. It's on the th.

- We moved it.
- Oh.

Mm-hmm. We tried to leave
you several voice mails,

but your inbox was always full.

You need to clean that out.

Oh, no, you see, I can't,

because I have all my daughters'
voice mails saved

from when they were babies.

[CHUCKLES]: I just, I can't delete 'em.

You understand, r-right?

Yeah. Okay, so, the thing is,

I can't do the th because
I'm going to San Francisco,

- so...
- Mm-hmm.

If there's any way you can squeeze me in

any time on the th... Late, early.

Dr. Babu is very, very booked.

I'm just saying, it's
kind of on you guys

to try to accommodate me.

Okay, look.

We can keep going around
and round like this,

but the reality is...

you're not gonna get an
appointment before the th.

[SIGHS] You win.

- I'll take the th.
- Great. And next time,

get here early so you
can fill out your paperwork,

so you're not putting us behind.

Have a seat there. We'll
let you know when he's ready.

- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

- Thank you!
- Yeah, I heard you.

[SOFTLY]: Jesus.

Oh, no, no, no. Please don't use that.

I was gonna borrow the pen of it.

- There's a pen on top.
- I didn't see it.

Just right there, where
we always put pens.

Go for Paige.

Absolutely not.

Are you fasting?

Rude.

[SOFTLY]: I'm gonna sit with you.

PAIGE: Mr. Collier?

Did you do a urine specimen?

- COLLIER: No, not yet.
- [GROANS]

I don't like her.

[SAM GROANS]

She's mean.

These are sh*t.

No. No, these are just sh*t.

- sh*t. These are big, though.
- [SIGHS] Really?

Yeah, I'm good with these.

Okay, what about these?

[CHUCKLES]: Oh, number .

Somebody wrote on that one.

[CHUCKLES]: Who's Sam Fox?
What an idiot.

- Seriously?
- That's f*cked-up.

I'll take this one, though.

- Hank Aaron, hell yeah.
- [DRAWER OPENS]

Damn it, Sam.

- Awesome. Good job.
- Thanks, Paul.

Thank you. Have a good day.

Hey, Cal, check this sh*t out.

Hi, Sam.

- Hi, Dr. Babu.
- Good to see you.

- Good to see you, too.
- How's your mom?

Um, she's good.

Okay, so, what brings you in?

Says something about,
uh, shortness of breath?

Yeah, um, so I'm a little worried,

uh, you know, happens time to time.

My dad was when he dropped
dead of a heart att*ck,

and my mom had her
incident two years ago,

so I just came in to see if I'm okay

and there isn't anything
hereditarily going on with me.

Okay, well, your blood pressure's fine.

/ .

So, when do you experience this,
uh, shortness of breath, huh?

Um, you know, sometimes
when I'm moving around.

Like when you're exercising?

Uh, I don't really exercise.

Hmm. What about smoking?

What about it?

Do you do it?

Um, well, no... Not...
No, no, no, no, no.

So, how often do you not,
not f*cking smoke, huh?

Like all the time?

Or a couple times a week?

Like a couple every
few weeks or something.

Okay. Take off your jacket.

Okay. [EXHALES]

What the f*ck happened there?

Oh, nothing.

It's just a thing.

- It's nothing.
- All right.

- Breathe in.
- [INHALES SHARPLY]

- Out.
- [EXHALES]

- In.
- [INHALES]

- Out.
- [EXHALES]

I think you're okay.

But I am going to order
you an echocardiogram

because, well, you know,
I'm f*cking fond of you,

and I want you to feel at ease, okay?

Thanks, Dr. Babu. That'd be great.

Um, I was just... Can I,

uh, can I talk to you
privately for a second? Please?

Could you give us a second, Leslie?

Thank you, Leslie. No offense.

- [CLEARS THROAT]
- [DOOR CLOSES]

Oh. Oh. This is so awkward. [CHUCKLES]

- Come on. What's up?
- [CLEARS THROAT]

Uh, how do I put this?

Um... [CLEARS THROAT]

- Your receptionist...
- Mm-hmm.

She can come off as extremely intense.

[DOOR OPENS]

Dr. Babu, your : is here.

Okay, well, thank you, Paige.

And I need your signature on this.

Well, just leave it on my desk.

Okay, but you didn't pick
a protein on your salad.

Okay. Thank you, Paige.

- Did you want croutons, or...
- We'll pick a protein, Paige.

Yeah, she's f*cking rude. I know.

Yes.

Actually, another word
comes to mind for me,

and it starts with C and
it rhymes with "shunt."

- [LAUGHS]
- It's a little heart humor.

I know. And don't worry.

I live for that kind of sh*t, Sam.

It can't just be me, right?

- Your receptionist, it's not just...
- No, no.

People have been
saying things for years.

What did she do?

Okay, so, your office... She...

- Uh-huh.
- She cancelled an appointment

that you wanted me to
make, and she's been

extremely inflexible
about rescheduling it.

Okay. Well, I am very
sorry. Give me your phone.

Oh. Okay.

I am going to give you my cell number.

So, next time you need to
make an appointment, text me.

- Okay?
- Oh, wow. Doctor's digits.

- I love it. Do you make house calls?
- f*ck no.

I was just kidding. I didn't...

- Yeah, I know.
- Yep.

You're in trouble.

Excuse me?

Have a good day, Paige.

[QUIETLY]: I told on you.

Yes, I did, and it felt good.

Good for the heart. Yes.

Dr. Babu is so sick of
your deadeye-looking ass.

Shut up, Paige.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[BARKING]

What is it?

- Oh.
- Hi, I'm Joe.

Present from your friend Caroline.

Joe Feng Shui consultation.

- Yes!
- Mm. [CHUCKLES]

Oh, wow.

That's today. I'm so sorry.

Do you need to reschedule?

No, um... no.

Might as well do this.

But, Joe, please don't tell
me things that are impossible.

- [CHUCKLES]
- I can't. This is just the way...

my house... is.

May I?

Yes.

Um... people?

Human people? Uh, we have
a special guest down here.

We are about to get feng shui-ed.

- Present from Caroline.
- Hi. I'm Joe.

- Hi, Joe.
- Hi. Nice to meet you.

This isn't in the right place.

What? The door?

JOE: The chi is negative.

Mom, you have to move the door.

I'm not moving the door.

[CLEARS THROAT]

["TRACING OUTLINES"
BY ABRACADABRA PLAYING]

Uh...

The sink is in the wrong spot.

- No.
- Okay.

Spray four thieves vinegar.

You want to stop the
money leaking out the door.

Get Chinese coins,

put them on a red string
and hang them up...

Here.

Also, put jade in your wallet.

Oh, okay. Jade in...

- Write that down.
- That beam.

SAM: I'm not moving that beam, Joe.

You can. [SIGHS]

Then plant a green
persimmon in the garden.

[EXHALES] The energy is stagnant.

The stove and sink are too far apart.

The stove is about abundance.

Do you need to cook right here?

Where am I supposed to
cook, in the bathroom? Joe.

Break the wall. Add more flow.

I can't do that, Joe.

Mom, we need more flow.

Yeah, Mom. Do we need the wall?

[CHUCKLES]: Yes, we need the wall.

Okay.

[SIGHS]

Paint it green.

[QUIETLY]: Oh, okay.

Don't do business in this space.

[SCOFFS] Fantastic.

Hi, Uncle Lester.

♪ Chase a cloud away ♪

♪ To say it ♪

♪ In a simple way ♪

♪ Give me some pieces of... ♪

There was a little man.

People would gather here.

This is a touching point.
You need to fix this.

Get another man, or woman, or person.

♪ You... ♪

Why do you have so many
faces looking at you?

SAM: I like 'em. Is that bad?

It's not good. Hang pictures of nature.

Flowing water. Gentle, not rushing.

[SAM GROANS]

Oh, um, that's my room, actually.

♪ I see it ♪

♪ In a simple way ♪

♪ Tracing the outlines of ♪

♪ Tracing the outlines of... ♪

[CHUCKLES]

I have no notes.

It's perfect.

[CHUCKLES]

♪ You... ♪

- Take notes. Mm-hmm. I am.
- So proud of yourself.

I'm sensing chaos.

No harmony.

There are lots of obstacles in here.

You need a rooster.

Point it north.

[SCOFFS]

Can you move this bed?

- It will give you balance.
- In life?

In every area.

[GROANS] No, Joe.

I can't move my bed.

Okay? I-I really appreciate

that you are a sacred practitioner

- of this ancient art.
- [CHUCKLES]

But I can't move my bed, and I can't do

a lot of these things
that you're asking me.

It's a lot for me to process right now.

Listen, I work with a lot of women.

Older women.

There's a constant
haze hanging around you.

Now, some of these women take my advice,

[ECHOING]: and some of them don't.

JOE: You haven't lost them.

JOE: They're not gone forever.

So, tell me, what are you nervous about?

Changing things?

Well, it's more than that.

It's not just changing.

It-It's everything.

You know, I just dropped
out of this big acting gig,

and I've never turned down work before.

And then, I have this
whole new job coming up,

and I don't know if I
made the right choice.

There is no wrong choice.

[TAKES DEEP BREATH]

Okay. When is the date that you start?

Next Monday.

You have to move it.

f*ck you, Joe.

Wear color blue.

Hmm.

Can I touch your snake?

- Huh? Oh! Yes. Yes!
- Yes. Sorry.

Come on over. It's my boudoir snake.

- Frankie, you want to get her for Joe?
- FRANKIE: Yeah.

- There she is.
- Here we are.

You want to wear her?

Sure.

All right. Hello.

- SAM: Oh.
- FRANKIE: Aw!

SAM: She looks good on you. [CHUCKLES]

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

I'm coming. I'm coming.

- Hi. Hi. One sec.
- Finally.

I can't get on the Internet.
Can you get on yours?

- [PHONE BEEPS]
- Hi, Mal. Hi.

Is this available? Question mark.

I love this place.

Can you get this for me? Please?

Question mark.

Thank you so much. You're the best.

Yas!

- Period.
- [PHONE BEEPS]

Who are you talking to?

Okay, what do you need? Mal.

Mal. He got me this insane Airbnb.

- Who?
- Mal, my agent.

- Never mind.
- Why Airbnb?

- He got me an apartment.
- Why? Are we moving?

What? No.

No. No, I'm-I'm working
in San Francisco next week.

I love San Francisco.

Do you remember when we stayed there?

- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- I haven't been in years.

There's so much to see.

The food, the people, the gay culture.

And San Francisco's changed.

The things that spell
San Francisco to me

- are disappearing fast.
- Are disappearing fast.

[BOTH LAUGH]

I'd like to go with you.

What? Oh.

Uh, well, that would be impossible,

'cause I'd have to
invite you, and, you know,

I'll be working there, Phil.

I mean, I'm not gonna be on vacation.

There's no time for sightseeing.

I'll be shuttled from,
hopefully, this apartment to set

every single morning and night.

- Isn't it cool?
- Yes,

but there's enough room for me there.

I can stay with you.

Keep myself busy during the daytime.

Oh. No.

No. Yeah, no.

No, no, Phil. No.

I'm not going to live forever, you know.

And the listing says
there's room for four guests.

Why can't you share it with me?

Because I can't.

Well, I'll book a flight
myself and get my own Airbnb.

I want to see the city,
and you can't stop me.

I'm a grown woman with my own free will.

Phil, I'm there to work.

Don't do this to me.

You would need a companion.

You do as you wish and I will, too.

You're not my overseer.

I can make my own itinerary.

I'm going no matter what you say.

I know my way around San Francisco.

I don't need a babysitter.

Stop! Do you understand me? Just stop.

Don't raise your voice at me.

- The way you throw up walls...
- I do no such thing.

All the time. Yes, you do!

You throw these tantrums
like a six-year-old.

It's just relentless with you.

Do you realize what this does to me?

The pressure that you put me under?

Oh, my heart.

My heart is f*cking racing right now.

[SIGHS] I say yes to everything for you.

You are a part of all of it.

It's every single day with you.

Can't you meet me halfway?

You never meet me
halfway. You never say,

"Fair enough. Okay. I've gone too far."

[SIGHS]

You're absolutely right.

What?

You're right. I don't.

I am?

Yes. Now don't gloat.

I will try harder,

and...

I won't go to San Francisco.

Jesus.

That is really, really satisfying.

- [KNOCKING ON TABLE]
- Phil?

Hmm?

Get the vodka.

Tout de suite.

Okay, so, what do you
want to do on here?

- What are y...
- I just want to get onto the Internet.

Okay, well, it's-it's on the Internet.

I show you this every single day.

I know, but it had gone wrong,

and I just couldn't get back onto it.

Okay, here. You're on.

- Ooh.
- I'm on now?

It's the same way I show you every day.

But it doesn't work when I do it.

- Good for your heart.
- You're gonna k*ll me, you know.

You k*ll me and then you revive me.

Schnapps.

Can you write it down this time?

[SIGHS]

♪ I've been normal ♪

♪ I've been ostracized ♪

♪ I've watched through a window ♪

♪ As my young self d*ed ♪

- [TAKES DEEP BREATH]
- ♪ I've been popular ♪

- [GROANS]
- ♪ With all the popular guys ♪

♪ I gave them punch lines ♪

♪ They gave me warning signs ♪

♪ I look okay ♪

♪ In the magic hour ♪

- ♪ In the right light ♪
- [GROANS]

♪ With the right amount of power ♪

♪ And I'm okay ♪

♪ With the life of the sunflower ♪

- _
- ♪ And I'm okay ♪

- _
- ♪ With the life of a meteor shower ♪

♪ So, say ♪

- _
- ♪ What you will ♪

♪ Go on, say what you will ♪

♪ You're gonna do it anyway ♪

[GROANS]

♪ Go on ♪

♪ Just ♪

♪ Say what you will ♪

- [GRUNTING]
- ♪ You're gonna do it anyway ♪

♪ Go on ♪

♪ Just ♪

♪ Say what you will ♪

[GROANS]

[SIGHS]

[MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE]

[GROANS SOFTLY]

Chewy.

[BLENDER WHIRRING]

Hi.

[GROANS SLOWLY]

[GROANS]

- I need coffee.
- Seaweed smoothie.

- Coffee machine.
- Seaweed smoothie.

- Coffee.
- Seaweed smoothie.

- Those... Coffee.
- Seaweed smoothie.

- Coffee for Mommy.
- Seaweed smoothie.

- Coffee.
- Seaweed.

Seaweed smoothie.

[SLURPING]

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Chewy. Very green.

It is made with kelp
and spinach and avocado.

And love. And apple.

I like it. It's nice.

Um...

Mom, I'm really sorry
about the other night.

I was being an assh*le.

The slow clap thing, I know that's...

really triggering for
you, and I'm sorry.

Thank you.

And I have something for you.

The f*ck?

I sold your baseball cards,
and that is your money.

I just told you to get rid of 'em.

And I did and turned a profit.

For you.

- Did you sell the Hank Aaron?
- Mm-hmm.

sh*t.

But...

you had two.

It has no value because
you wrote your name on it.

It was .

I needed to write my name on my sh*t.

This is your history, Mom,

and it belongs to you.

I kind of love this.

- It's cool, right?
- Yeah.

I'm gonna put it on fridgy.

- No!
- Yes!

- Coffee.
- No, no, no.

[PANTING]

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

♪ Doing our thing with pride ♪

♪ Trying our best to survive ♪

♪ Doing our thing with pride ♪

♪ Doing our thing with pride ♪

[EXHALES]

[SOBBING]

I'm really sad.

Yeah.

Me, too.

A lot of people are.

[SNIFFLES]

[SPUTTERS SOFTLY]

You know, these steps,

they're like the Stonewall of L. A.

It's like a gay pride memorial.

But a lot of people don't realize that.

They just use it as a place to exercise.

I don't care.

Yeah.

Side! Excuse me.

Can you not take the entire stairs?

[SINGSONGY]: Thank you so much.

You're so welcome.

[LAUGHING]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

It was perfect. [WHOOPS]

Oh, my God.

I mean...

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

- Hmm.
- [CHUCKLES]

Life's funny.

["BETTER IN THE MORNING"
BY BIRDTALKER PLAYING]

Even when it's sad.

♪ I will do better in the morning ♪

♪ Stuck inside a cycle of opinions ♪

♪ Where there's two clear ways ♪

♪ And I always take the easy one ♪

♪ And I'm always left with
the taste in my mouth ♪