06x07 - Eb's Double Trouble

[bunniefuu]

(Green Acres theme)

- And now what else Eb?

- Oh Mrs. Douglas needs
a loaf of white bread.

- Sliced or unsliced?

- Are those the only
two kinds you have?

- Yeah.

- It's a big decision.

- If it ain't right I'll
have to bing it brack.

- You can't bing back
bed, uh, brack bing.

What else do you need?

- Let me see, uh?

- Excuse me, I'm
looking for Mr. Drucker?

- That's him.

But I'm younger.

(audience laughs)

- I'm Carol Kenworthy.

- Oh well it's nice to see
ya, I've been expecting ya,

welcome to Hooterville.

- Thank you.

- Yeah, welcome.

(cans clatter)

- Ab, you clumsy!

- Instead of hollering at me,

why don't you introduce me
to the beautiful young lady?

- Miss Kenworthy
this is Eb Dawson.

- Hi.

- Eb this is Miss Kenworthy
our new school teacher.

- School teacher wow-ee.

- Eb do you want something else?

- Yes sir, a pencil box,
a composition book,

a lunch pail and twelve erasers.

(audience laughs)

(Green Acres theme)

♪ Green acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan just
give me that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Good bye city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

(Green Acres theme)

- What do you want
with your coffee?

- Well I'd like, -
Keep it simple.

- Toast, is that simple enough?

- Under normal
circumstances yes.

But not today.

- Why not?

- Eb didn't bring back the bed.

(audience laughs)

- What?

- I sent him for a loaf of white

but he didn't bing it back.

(audience laughs)

- We have whole wheat bead.

Uh, bread.

- I'm sorry I can't make
whole wheat toast.

All I know how to make
is white bread toast.

- You make whole
wheat toast the same way.

You just put the whole
wheat bread in the toaster.

- We don't have a
whole wheat toaster.

(audience laughs)

- We don't have a
whole wheat toaster?

- I just said that.

- Just put it in the
toaster, it'll do both.

- Maybe you're right,
it says light and dark.

I guess you set it to the
light for the white bread

and dark for the
whole wheat bread.

- You figured it out.

Not well, but
you figured it out.

- I could have
figured it out before

if you didn't throw
away the instructions.

- Yeah I'm sorry.

- Living with you isn't easy.

- Uh Lisa.

(playful music)

Eb where have you been?

(sighs)

- Drucker's Store

- Well what took you so long?

- I stopped to fall in love.

- He stopped to fall in love.

- There he goes with
the instant replay again.

Who's the girl Eb?

- Her name is
Carol Kenworthy and

what's burning?

- Oh oh the toast.

- Golly Mrs. Douglas
you oughta now better

than to put whole wheat
bread in a white bread toaster.

(audience laughs)

- He told me too.

- You should now better
than to listen to him.

(audience laughs)

- Look Eb I,

- As I was saying her
name is Carol Kenworthy.

She's the new school
teacher and she's beautiful

and I'm in love with her

- You just met her and
you fell in love with her?

- Why not?

Love ain't like booze, you
don't have to age it in a cask.

(audience laughs)

- What a poetic way to put it.

(audience laughs)

You used to say
things like that to me.

- I never said anything like,

- Would you like to meet her?

- Yeah, sometime.

- How 'bout now,
she's out in the car.

- She's out in the?

- She's gonna be living here.

- What?

- Well I thought it'd be
handy having the woman I love

living near me.

I'll go get her.

- Oh I'm terribly
sorry Miss Kenworthy,

but Eb mislead you, we
don't have an extra room.

- She can have my room.

- And where are
you going to sleep?

- I'll move my crib
into your room.

(audience laughs)

- Eb will you just relax.

Now I'm sure we'll be able to
find a room for you somewhere.

- Well I hope so, you see
I'm anxious to get settled.

This is my first teaching job.

- I wanted to be a teacher
but my father wouldn't let me.

He said, it wouldn't look right
for the daughter of the king

to be teaching the peasants.

- Oh boy.

- You're father was a king?

- Well not a full time king,
you see he looked very much

like the real king so every
time there was a revolution

they'd shove my father
out on the balcony

and they let him sh**t at him.

That's the way he worked
his way through college.

(audience laughs)

- There's a piece of
history you might want

to teach the kids in your class.

- Oh I'd be glad to come
and tell them myself.

- That would be very nice.

- This ain't getting
Carol a room.

- Well let me call
around and see what.

(knocks)

Excuse me.

Oh hello Mr Kimble.

- Hi Mr Douglas.

Oh how are you Mrs Douglas.

Say you changed your
hair, it's very becoming.

- That's Miss Kenworthy,
the new school teacher.

- Oh, how are you
Miss Kenworthy.

(audience laughs)

It's about time we got a
good looking school teacher

around here (chuckles)

- That's Mr Kimble
our county agent.

- Well how do you do Mr Kimble?

Boy what a coincidence, you
have the same name as my name

and you're a county
agent too huh?

- I'm not a, - Why bother.

- What can we do
for you Mr Kimble.

- Who you talking to, him or me?

- You.

- Let's see, oh yes, I
stopped in at Sam's store

and he tells me there's a
new school teacher in town.

- This is she.

- Oh gee, glad to, - Stop, she.

- Oh you're the new
schoolteacher, huh?

I'm sorry I am a
little confused today.

- Today?

- Well I didn't sleep all night.

I had this horrible nightmare,

I dreamed that I was living
at some foreign country

and I looked just like the
king and there was a revolution

and they shoved
me out on the balcony

and the pheasants
were sh**ting at me.

(audience laughs)

- Why that's the same thing
that happened to my father

but in real life.

- Say, maybe you
two are related?

- To what?

- To?

- Anyway, Sam tells me
that you're looking for a room.

- Yes I am.

- Yeah maybe I can help you out.

My mother has a spare
room at our house.

- Ah, do you think
she'd rent it to me?

- Why not, she used to
rent it out to my father.

(audience laughs)

that's a family joke.

(laughs)

- I thought you
were the family joke.

(audience laughs)

- Oh that's very funny.

Well not funny, it's sick.

- It would be very nice, Mrs
Kimble has a lovely house.

- Well if you think your
mother would rent me,

- Oh I'm sure
she'd be happy too.

My mother always wanted
a daughter around the house

and well if you
came and moved in

I wouldn't have to wear
a dress on Sundays.

(audience laughs)

- A dress?

- Don't worry Miss Kenworthy,

his mother has all her marbles.

(playful music)

(Green Acres theme)

(dishes clatter)

(knocks)

- Coming,

oh hello there darling.

- Hi Mrs Douglas is Eb here?

- No he went over
to Mr Kimble's house.

- Oh well I really
wanted to see you.

I need an older women's advice.

- I'll tell her when
she comes in.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, I didn't mean that,

well I meant someone a
couple years older than myself.

- Oh well then you came
to see the right person,

what's your problem?

- Well Eb invited me to
the Y dance Saturday night

and this is the only
thing I have to wear.

And I wonder if you
think it looks alright?

- Well why don't you go into
the bathroom and slip it on.

(dishes break)

It's a lot easier than
breaking them by hand.

(playful music)

- what do you think?

- Well it's, - You're
right, it's a mess.

- The trouble is that
you've got a pretty figure

and all this bows and
sashes are covering up

all the good stuff.

- Well I wouldn't want to
wear anything to daring.

- I didn't mean daring.

When you wear a dress, you
shouldn't come right out with it.

You have to hint at it.

- I don't understand?

- Let me show you.

This is a hinter.

No this is a come
right out with it.

(audience laughs)

Here is what you need.

A hanger-onner, you can have it.

- Oh no, you might need it.

- No, I can still hang
on with what I've got.

(audience laughs)

- Wait til Eb sees me in this.

- Are you stuck on him?

- I like him better
than any boy I know.

Mrs Douglas,

has he ever said anything to you

about how he feels about me.

- He said a couple of times
how much he likes you.

- Really?

Did he ever mention
anything about marriage?

- Sweetheart that's one
word men never mention,

they go through life like
there was no such word,

it's up to the woman to
drag the word out of them.

- How do you do that?

- I tell you how I did
it with Mr Douglas,

we were going
together for two years

and my mother started to
complain about all the free dinners

he was having in our house,
so one night when he came over

before he could
say what's for dinner,

I said, guess who's
wedding we're invited to?

And he said, who's?

And I said, ours.

And before he could
uncross his eyes,

we were on our honeymoon.

(audience laughs)

- Oh Mrs Douglas,

- Maybe it wasn't
quite like that.

Well if you need anything
else, just let me know.

(fun music)

- Eb,

Eb,

Eb?

Eb?

- Eb?

- What the?

- Who're you looking for?

- Well is there another
Eb around here?

- I don't know let's find out.

Eb?

Eb.

- You stop.

Now where have you been?

- I went over to the Kimble's
to help Carol get settled.

- You've been
gone over two hours.

- She took a lot of settling.

I had to unpack her
clothes, draw her a bath

and paint her room.

(audience laughs)

- Settle her on your own
time, we got a lot of work to do.

- Mr Douglas can I have
an advance on my salary?

- No.

- But I've got a date
with Carol Saturday night,

I'm taking her to the Y dance.

- I hope you have a
good time, now if we,

- Eb, Eb, you had
a visitor, Darlene.

- Who?

- The girl you've
been going with.

- What's her name again?

- Darlene Wheeler,

you know Eb I think
she's in love with you.

- What was her name?

(audience laughs)

- May we please get to work?

- I loaned her a
dress for the dance

you're taking her
to Saturday night.

- Holy Dear Abby,
I forgot I asked her.

Now I've got two dates.

- Well aren't you lucky now,

- Who's the other date with?

- Carol.

- But you just met her today.

You hardly know her.

- I drew her a bath
and painted her room.

(audience laughs)

- Can we please
get started it's almost.

- You can't do that to Darlene,
you invited her weeks ago.

- That was BC.

Before Carol.

- You've been watching
Hee Haw again.

(audience laughs)

- Well you just have to tell
Carol that you can't take her.

- But Mr Douglas
I don't want to.

- Let's get to work.

- How can I work with
this hanging over my head?

- Would you be able to work
if you have unemployment

hanging over it?

(audience laughs)

(playful music)

- That's right just sit
there and read your book

as if nothing has happened.

- What?

- You men are all alike.

- What are you
picking on me for?

- You're a man aren't you?

- Well yes but.

- Making a date with one
girl and throwing her over

for another.

- I didn't make a
date with anybody.

- Like father like son.

- Eb isn't my son and don't
blame me for his fickleness.

- Then how taught
him how to fickle?

(audience laughs)

- I don't know maybe he's
just a natural born fickler.

(audience laughs)

- This isn't the first
time you've done this.

- I haven't done anything.

- What about the time you
stood me up for the red head?

- I never stood,

oh yeah, yeah, the red head.

- Inviting me to the Barrister
Ball and then you call me up

and you told me
you couldn't take me

because you had the measles.

- I did.

- Then how come you went
to the dance with the red head?

- The doctor said the only
thing that would cure my measles

was dancing with the red head.

(audience laughs)

- Now what kind of a
doctor would say that?

- Any good witch doctor.

(audience laughs)

- Do you know what I
did that whole night?

I stayed home and cried.

- Oh Lisa,

I, I might have dated the
red head but who did I marry?

(soft music)

- Alright you're forgiven.

- Oh thank you.

- Now, now that that is settled,

what Ab and Darlene and Carol?

- Let them get another
guy and make a movie of it.

Night.

(playful music)

- How does this one
sounds, I call up Darlene

and tell her I can't
take her to the dance

because I have a
rare Scottish disease

called the Highland
Flu and I'll see her

as soon as I'm better,
then I take Carol.

- I don't think Darlene is
gonna believe you have

something called
the Highland Flu.

- Why not, you're wife believed

you had the red headed
dancing measles?

(audience laughs)

- Look I just had,

- You don't happen to remember

the name of the
witch doctor do ya?

- Eb, let's just finish up here.

- Yes sir.

How does this idea sound?

I pick up Darlene and take
her to supper in a restaurant

when the check comes I
tell her I forgot my money

I have to go home and get it.

- Eb she's not gonna believe.

- I leave her there
and pick up Carol

and take her to the dance
and have one fast dance

with her and then I tell
her I have to go home

because I left the water
running in my bathtub.

- Eb you gotta be out of your,

- I rush back to the
restaurant, get Darlene,

and take her to the dance,
when I get to the front door

I tell her I forgot my
tickets I have to go home

and get them,
I'll leave her there

and rush around to the back door

and have another
quick dance with Carol.

How do you like it so far?

- Let's reduce this to it's
simplest common denominator,

- What does that mean?

- If you'd rather go to
the dance with Carol

all you have to do is go
over and tell Darlene the truth.

That you're sorry but
you're taking somebody else.

- I don't think that
was very good advice.

- What's wrong
with telling the truth?

- That's pretty strange
coming from a fellow

who had the red
headed dancing measles.

- Will you forget that and
let's not discuss this any more.

The whole problem is solved.

No it's not.

- Howdy Mr Douglas, Mrs Douglas.

- Howdy Mr Zippo.

- Oh hello there Arnold.

(oinks)

What's the matter with Arnold?

He isn't his usual kipper self.

- Chipper.

- No he ain't he's
in a mess of trouble.

Tell them about it Arnold.

(oinks)

- Oh that's terrible.

- If it wasn't for Curly
Lambert I'd wash my hands

of the whole affair.

- Who's Curly Lambert?

- Annabelle's father.

- Who's Annabelle?

- The sow that Arnold's
been going steady with.

(audience laughs)

- Oh she's cute.

- Look if you'll excuse me, I

- Don't go yet, we
need your advice.

(oinks)

It ain't always stupid Arnold.

(audience laughs)

- What happened?

- Well, Romeo here
made a date with Annabelle

to take her to a dance,
(audience laughs)

- To a?

- So Annabelle come over to
the house and Doris fix her up

with a new ribbon for her tail.

Meanwhile, dimwit here,
goes over to Crabbella Corners

and meets Penelope.

- Who's Penelope?

- She's the sow that works
in the pool hall racking balls.

(audience laughs)

- How can a pig rack?

- So, Arnold invited
Penelope to the dance,

forgetting about his
date with Annabelle.

- I don't believe
this whole thing.

- Anyway, Arnold
wants to get out

of his date with Annabelle.

So I thought you might think
up some kind of excuse for him.

- I'll give him the
same advice I gave Eb.

Tell him to tell Darlene.

(oinks)

- He wants to know
who Darlene is?

- Uh, Penelope.

(oinks)

- He doesn't want to break
the date with Penelope,

he wants to break the
date with Annabelle.

- Well whoever it is, let
him do what I told Eb to do

just tell her the truth.

- Tell her the truth?

- That's what Mr
Douglas said I should do.

- That sounds like the
kind of stupid advice

he would give.

- Do you have any
suggestions Mr Haney?

- Well, there's
several things to do

in cases of mal du mare.

- Mal du mare?

- Sickness of the mare.

That's French for love.

You've heard the
expression, la mare, la mare,

tu jour la mare.

- Oh yeah,

- Now since you want to
break your date with Annabelle,

- Who's Annabelle?

- I'm sorry, that's
the girl that Arnold is

having la mare trouble with.

- The girl I'm having
trouble with is Darlene.

- Nah here's what I'd
suggest, I want you to,

by the way do you got
any money with you?

- Yes sir, three dollars.

- Oh that's too
bad, all I've got

is a five dollar suggestion.

- I didn't know you were
gonna charge me for advice.

- Oh I'm forced to
being a charter member

of the love
counselors of America.

- Don't you have any
three dollar advice?

- Come to think of it I do,

may I have the
three dollars please?

- There you are, now
what's your advice?

- First you go over
to Darlene's house

and borry another
two dollars from her.

- Mr Haney I,

- Now after you get the money,

then you tell her that you'd
like to take her to the dance

but your wife is unexpectedly
returning from Schenectady.

- I don't have a
wife in Schenectady.

- The town is not
important, it's the sincerity

with which you tell her.

(audience laughs)

(playful music)

(knocks)

- Oh yes?

- My name's Wheeler,
I'm Darlene's father.

- Oh yes, yes.

- Your son Eb was just
over to see my daughter

and broke a date with her.

- Well he's not my,

- The girl has hysterics.

- Well I'm sorry but I,

- Maybe you don't
care about your kid

but I'm not letting
my daughter go out

with any boy who has a
wife in Racine, Wisconsin.

- Racine?

- And if he ever
comes near her again,

I'm gonna punch him in the nose.

- No you're not gonna
punch him in the nose,

- Alright if you want
to stand in for him.

(punches)

(fun music)

- Why did you have to tell him

you had a wife in
Racine, Wisconsin?

Because I didn't know
anybody in Schenectady.

- That makes sense.

- Why did you tell Darlene
a story like that anyway?

I thought you were
gonna tell her the truth?

- Mr Haney said that
was a stupid suggestion.

- Stupid?

- Anyway it worked, I'm
off the hook with Darlene

and now I can take
Carol to the dance

with a care free conscience.

(playful music)

(dishes break)

- What's the matter Eb?

- I just had my rug
pulled out from under me.

- What happened?

- Carol, she's not going
to the dance with me.

- Why not?

- Her boyfriend's coming
in for the weekend,

she's going with him.

- That's too bad.

- Now I don't have
anybody to go with.

- Well, you never should
have b*rned your bridgework

behind you with Darlene.

- Yeah,

- Maybe if you went over
and apologized to Darlene

and told her the truth.

- What is the truth?

I've been living a lie
for so long I've forgotten.

- Well, tell her that
you are not married

and that you are sorry
that you made up that story,

- It's worth a try.

- Take her a box of
candy or some flowers.

- Thanks ma.

(audience laughs)

- He's a good boy.

(dishes break)

- Here you are get your
apologizing candy here.

A box of apologizing,
oh excuse me Mr,

could you be
interested, oh it's you Eb.

- Yeah.

- Where you going?

- Over to see
Darlene and apologize.

- Without a box of candy?

- Look Mr Haney I'm in a hurry.

I've got to convince Darlene

that the story I
told her wasn't true.

I'm not really married.

- Oh that should be easy to do.

- Do you think so?

- Yeah, especially if you
have a divorce certificate

to show her.

- I don't have one.

- You don't have a
divorce certificate?

Hark what is this that
has sprung into my hands?

Well I'll be horned diddled.

It's a authenticated,
fairly legal looking,

certificate of divorce.

Now you just show
her this and she'll know

that you're no
longer legally married.

- Mr Haney I,

- And all its gonna cost
you is just eight dollars.

- Eight dollars, I don't
have any money?

- That's all right, we'll just
charge it to Mr Douglas.

Now what was the
name of that city

that you was married in again?

- Racine, Wisconsin.

- Racine, Wisconsin.

(Green Acres theme)

- We need a little brown
piece with a yellow edge.

- Oh?

- Yeah.

- How 'bout this one?

- That's green.

- Oh it'll work.

(hammers)

There you are.

- Well, now you got a
yellow tiger with a green ear.

- Hi.

Is there any booze?

- What?

- My life is a shambles.

- Didn't Darlene
make up with you?

- Yeah.

- Then why have you
got down in your mouse?

- Maybe he's been
chewing on his pillow?

- What happened Eb?

- I went over to Darlene's
house and she didn't want

to talk to me
because I was married

but I finally
convinced her I wasn't.

I showed her my
divorce certificate.

- What divorce certificate?

- The one you owe Mr
Haney eight dollars for.

- You bought a?

- I finally blurted out
the whole sordid truth

and she forgave me.

- Then you're going
to the dance with her?

- No ma'am, - Why not?

- Well when I asked
her to go to the dance

she said she couldn't go
because we had to go to a wedding

and I said who's,
and she said, ours.

The next thing I know,
we're hugging and kissing

it was awful.

- I think it's wonderful.

- Just a second,

that wedding who's ours
routine sounds familiar,

Lisa did you?

- Congratulations Eb.

- Lisa did you?

- Darlene's a wonderful girl,

when is the wedding?

- We really didn't decide that.

Well I'm going to sleep.

Maybe I can dream
my way out of this.

(playful music)

- Alright Lisa, let's uh.

- Would you like to
finish the jigsaw puzzle

or do you want to go to bed?

- I want to talk to you.

- That wasn't one
of the choices.

(audience laughs)

- Lisa did you plant that
idea in Darlene's head?

- Well I might
have mentioned it,

I thought if it worked
once, it might work again.

- Lisa you are, - I'm what?

- Hungarian.

(audience laughs)

- Well he won't be mad long.

(audience laughs)

(playful music)

(Green Acres theme)

- [Zsazsa] This has been a
Filmways presentation darling.