06x10 - Bachelorette, But Make it Spooky

[bunniefuu]

♪♪♪

- (BIRDS CHIRP)
- Charlie.

- (FOOTSTEPS THUD)
- Hey, Charlie!

- (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS THUD)
- Charlie?

Hey, Charlie, stop!

Charlie, stop!

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

Charlie!

(FOOTFALLS THUD)

Charlie?

She's watching you.

- Who?
- (MUSIC CRESCENDOS)

♪♪♪

Don't f*ck this up, Kate.

- (STARTLES AWAKE)
- Marlene Podeski?!

(THUNDER ROLLS)

♪♪♪

(CAR RUMBLES)

(TIRES CRUNCH ON GRAVEL)

- (CAR RUMBLES TO A HALT)
- Okay.

This is gonna be the weirdest
bachelorette party in history.

Yep, big time.

What do you say we have
one last moment of zen

before this sh*t show takes liftoff?

- Mm.
- Down there.

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

- Yes! Seat massager works!
- Mm-hmm.

- Oh!
- No talking.

(BOTH INHALE AND LONG RELAXED EXHALES)

You think if we sit here
long enough we'll climax?

(MASSAGER WHIRS)

What are they doing in there?

Oh f*ck, they're staring.

How long do you think we can
do this before it gets weird?

I think that ship has sailed.

(SIGHS)

Mm-hmm.

(SEATBELTS CLICK, ENGINE SHUTS OFF)

Hey, b*tches, you're late!

- Aah!
- Sorry.

Ladies, are you ready
for the best weekend

- of your gorgeous lives?
- Well...

- Sure.
- Yes! (GIGGLES)

- When's the wine tour?
- Yeah!

Oh! I said we were going
to wine country,

not on a wine tour.

As we have two preggos,
yourself being one, Sloane,

and our beautiful bride-to-be,

this will be a completely
dry bachelorette.

- Oh, f*ck me.
- Oh, no, no, no,

but don't you worry, in the absence

of mind-altering substances, I thought

we could get "high"
on a night of frights.

- SLOANE: What?!
- Yeah!

What the hell does that even mean, Val?

- Val, you did book a stripper, right?
- I did you one better, girlfriend.

- I booked us a haunted house!
- (CROW CAWS)

- What?! - SLOANE: Oh, come on.
- Why?

This place is advertised as
a bona fide house of horrors!

Apparently one person got so
scared they sh*t their pants,

according to the airbnb reviews.

Yeah... I don't mean to be this chick,

but this is not what
we signed up for, Jenny.

Yeah, I'm gonna head,
I've got a mountain of work,

and a bitch trying to steal it from me,

plus I don't f*ck with ghosts.

Yeah, totally, and also, I don't...

wanna be here. Sorry.

No!

You are not leaving. None of you!

Did I want to spend my bachelorette

at some stupid fake haunted house?
No, I did not!

That was a weird choice, Val.
Very weird.

But we are here, and I need this.

So we are going to have fun, God dammit!

Anybody got any more problems?

I didn't think so.

Alrighty! And with that...

let's get this party started,
ghoul gals!

You got any good snacks
in there at least?

You bet, I've got a dozen devilled eggs

- with your name on them!
- KATE: Yeah, okay.

- (SCREEN DOOR CREAKS OPEN)
- Dude, are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, of course, it's just um...

You don't think there's like,
any real ghosts in there right,

'cause ghosts aren't real.
Any five-year-old knows that.

Well, most. (LAUGHS) I did find Charlie

- in a grave last night.
- What?!

Yeah, he was um,

he said he was talking
to Marlene's ghost.

He wanted to be with her.

And-and if ghosts were real,
then I would be worried

that maybe Marlene was
haunting my family, but um,

ghosts aren't real,
so I have nothing to worry about, right?

Um, mm...

VAL: (LOUD SHRILL SCREAM)

The kitchen's adorable!

- (LAUGHS)
- (SCREEN DOOR CREAKS SHUT)

(READYING EXHALE)

- Hmm.
- (FLOORBOARDS CREAK)

There's no d*ck decorations, Val?

Yeah, honestly,
a couple dicks wouldn't hurt.

Oh, I'm sorry Jenny,
I didn't think they were very on-theme.

While dicks can be scary,

they're not haunted-house scary.

Well, it's a good thing I
brought my own d*ck straw.

- Hmm?
- Aaah! Oh!

- Boo.
- Jesus f*ck!

Okay, hi, I'm Kathy, welcome,
welcome, gather round.

Uh, welcome to the farmhouse.

Hi Kathy, I'm Valerie.
I made the booking.

- Right, Sardinski?
- It's actually Szalinsky.

Yeah, your credit card
didn't go through.

Wouldn't even take the damage deposit,
it was just like,

decline, decline, decline.
Anyway, we can sidebar about it later.

Okay, ladies, welcome to the farmhouse.

Who haunts this house, you ask?
Well, as the uh, story goes,

there was a woman, she disappeared,

she was running away from her family,

you know, her two kids,
you know the type.

And well, her problems
followed her here.

And so did her kids, who m*rder*d her.

Uh, right here, in this very house.

- Yeah, I could see Alice doing that.
- Mm-hmm.

KATHY: Now she haunts the house, and uh,

that's how it goes, boo,
that kind of thing.

- What the f*ck?!
- Okay, great,

so you are getting package B,

so that means dinner is at six o'clock,

and there is a psychic reading included.

(GASPS) Can we do the psychic now?

Ooh! Who's the psychic?

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

- (SCOFFS)
- Do me first!

Oh, I want to go first!

- (EXCITED LAUGH)
- Ah-hmm...

Yeah, there's nothin'.
I'm sorry, it's black.

- Nothing?
- Yeah, there's nothing in here,

- not a damn thing.
- Do you think it's the butt

getting in the way?

- I mean, it's possible.
- Hmm.

There-oh!

I'm just getting some interfer...

Hmm! (CLEARS HER THROAT)

Getting some interference here. Hmm...

- Hmm...
- Oh. (LAUGHS)

- You!
- Only good stuff, okay?

Shhh!

Oh...

You've suffered great loss.

There's death all around you.

There's darkness ahead.

Darkness behind.

I'm so sorry, dear.

(SAD EXHALE)

- Jesus Christ.
- Okay, weird.

(CLEARS THROAT) All right,
who else wants a reading?

ALL: Nah, we're good. No! We're good.

Actually, I think I hear my phone.

- GENA: Yeah.
- VAL: Do me again.

Lionel said that?

Yeah, he said I'm addicted to rage.

And that while he was
in Cochrane without me

was the happiest he's been in a really,
really long time.

- Jesus.
- I don't know.

What he said really hit me.

Maybe I need to make some
changes with my anger.

Stop it, look,
this is the woman he married.

You're a firecracker.
It's who you are, it's great!

Yeah, I mean,
I used to think that, too, but...

- I don't know anymore.
- Anne!

This guy knows. Okay?

(SMALL LAUGH)

How's it going with the crazy aunt?

Is she still fighting for junior?

Yep, she sure is, not givin' up.

You know, ah, I don't know,

when it comes to Cassandra,

I feel like maybe I'm not
doing the right thing.

Of course you're doing the right thing.

His mom specifically left him to you.

She did, yeah,
but would she still do that if she knew

- her sister wanted him?
- That doesn't matter.

Doesn't it matter?
He's got history with this woman.

Yeah,
and you're building history with him.

I mean, what matters is
that you want him.

I do, yeah.

But imagine like,
you inherited a dead woman's kid,

and she was like,
following you around being like,

"don't f*ck this up!"

And all you're doing is f*cking this up

like, left, right, centre.

- I thought you didn't believe in ghosts.
- I don't...

- (DOOR CREAKS AND SLAMS)
- Oh!

(STUNNED HUFF)

GENA: Hey, Val,
thanks for planning all this.

You know,
I probably should've done it, but...

I didn't know what to f*ckin' do.

Not a problem, happy to do all the work

- for none of the credit.
- Honestly, Val,

I have no idea why
I'm the maid of honor.

We're like bitchy work friends.
You know?

I didn't even invite
Jenny to my wedding.

And I could have, I just didn't want to.

You know, there's always a crisis,

there's always an issue.

Being her friend is just...

It's so exhausting.

♪♪♪

Okay, yeah, this place is a nightmare.

- I'm not sleeping here.
- What are even doing here?

I mean, are we really that
self-centered lunatic's

closest friends?
If we are, that's really sad...

- Oh no, Jenny, wait!
- (GASPS)

- (BOTH SCREAM)
- Holy f*ck!

Is this rigged?

- (RIPS)
- Arghh!

For the record, I didn't sh*t my pants.

♪♪♪

(FOOTSTEPS THUD, DOOR CREAKS AND SLAMS)

(SPRINGS SQUEAK)

(STRAW RUSTLES)

(QUIET SOB)

(INHALES DEEPLY)

(SLOW EXHALE)

(PHONE BUZZES)

Paul, please,

I told you to stop calling me,

I'm mad at you right now, don't push me.

Okay, I'm sorry. I-I hear you.

Thing is, I don't really understand you.

I took your advice, right?
I opened up to Nina,

she immediately stabbed me in the back.

I knew I shouldn't have told her,

- I should have trusted my gut.
- But you know you needed to tell

people at work sooner or later,

and I bet you they are
all over the moon for you.

I don't work in an ultrasound lab.

Babies are not always welcome
news in the upper echelons

of the corporate world, Paul,
if you can comprehend that.

Oh, wow. Uh, okay, then.

I'm gonna have this baby my way,
understand?

I don't need a total re-brand
just because I'm pregnant.

Your life is going to change.

This is just the tip of the iceberg.

You know what, I think we're good here.

That's gonna be it, Paul.

(TAPS TO END CALL)

(PHONE THUDS)

(HIGH-PITCHED LAUGHTER PLAYS)

- (DOOR SLAMS)
- Nuh-uh!

(THUNDER ROLLS)

(RAIN PATTERS)

♪♪♪

- (OMINOUS CREAKING)
- (SIGHS)

Okay, I realize this isn't ideal,

but can we do some normal

bachelorette stuff like games,

or would that like, k*ll you guys?

If you can even bother
to get off your phones?

- (LIGHT TAP)
- Hmm?

Oh, I'm sorry,
I'm just drownin' in work.

- Whatever, it's rude.
- Oh, come on.

(SCOFFS)

Okay, let's play games.

Of course we're gonna play games,
let's sit.

(PLEASED LAUGH)

Now, what game should we play?

Oh, okay, I got it.

How about everyone shares
their favourite memory

- of the bride-to-be?
- (GIGGLES)

But how is that a game?
Like, there's no winning.

Could you just go with it?

(NERVOUS TAPPING)

Well, don't all go at once.

(SNAPS FINGERS) When we went
to the cottage and did LSD.

ALL: (LAUGH)

I was never at a cottage with you guys.

You were... you were not. Sorry, sh*t.

Oh, wait! I got it.

Remember our mountain weekend
with tomato and the hogtie?

(LAUGHS) That was crazy!

What?

Oh God, you weren't there, I'm so sorry.

Oh, the retreat.

When I waxed Ian's eyebrows...

She wasn't there for that, um, yeah.

Anyw... Gena, this is your idea.

(SCOFFS) I mean...

- What you got?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, um...

(CLICKS TEETH) Oh...

Maybe somethin' at the office, there.

- Yeah, I...
- Wow.

It's as if none of you have
any memory of me at all.

Oh, no, Jenny, it's okay.

- We were just being silly-willies.
- No, it's not okay.

I know none of you like me,

- and don't even wanna be here.
- Okay Jenny,

these are just your
pregnancy hormones talking,

- we wanna be here.
- No. I literally

heard you earlier.

And it's not the hormones,
because I don't have a baby.

I had a miscarriage,
and you guys would probably

already know that if you
knew anything about me!

Oh, my.

Jenny, wait!

(DOORBELL RINGS)

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

(DOOR OPENS, MUSIC CRESCENDOS)

- (RAIN PATTERS)
- Why, hello, there.

Ma'am, thank you for answering the door.

My uh, car broke down
after I hit a possum.

Could I use your phone?

(GASPS) Ah, yes! The lone driver.

Package B! (CHUCKLES)

Of course you can use my phone.

My passcode is - - - .

Thank you.

(RAIN PATTERS)

(DOOR CREAKS SHUT)

- f*ck.
- Yeah. Um...

- (EMERGENCY ALERT BLARES)
- What the hell?

(SLOANE READS) "Dangerous suspect
on the loose in the area."

What the hell?

(READS)
"Suspect may be armed and has a history

of breaking and entering,
and domestic as*ault."

- Jesus!
- Hey, um, whose car is that?

- (LOUD THUD)
- ALL: sh*t! Oh my God! God!

Jesus, this woman, I swear to God!

(KNOCKING, MUFFLED TALKING)

We can't hear you!

(THUDS)

(SIGHS)

Okay. Look, I hate to tell you this,

but I just got off a call with Derek,

- my usual lone driver...
- I'm sorry, lone driver?

Yeah, yeah, he uh,
shows up, chases you around

from room to room,
makes you think your life's in danger,

falls out a window, and he's on his way.

But um, well, he had to cancel
on account of the storm.

- Yeah, sure.
- But

he was part of the package I paid for.

It doesn't sound like you
paid for anything, there, Val.

- Gena, zip it.
- I know, Val,

you "paid" for package B,

but uh, it's not gonna happen.

If you want to change to package A,

uh, I'll need about minutes
to whip up some pentagrams.

No thanks, we're good.

Come on, Kathy, quit pulling our legs.

Okay! He's already here.

I just let him in. Ooh!

- Wait, what?
- Yeah, no, that's uh...

- That's not possible.
- Well, I did.

Wait, sorry, Val,
you let someone in here?

- That's right, a man.
- You let a stranger into the hou...

- That is recklessly dangerous.
- Right, yeah,

says the woman who rigged this
house like Macaulay Culkin.

Are you telling me he's
in this house right now?

Aah! I did, yeah.

Okay, hold on, Val,
what does the guy look like?

Oh, I don't know, five-ten,
blue eyes, blond hair.

Oh, you mean
the exact same description...

as the alert, Val!

- KATE: The suspect? Okay, oh...
- What the f*ck?!

- He's in here?
- I thought he was part of package B!

- ALL: (SCREAMING) Oh sh*t!
- Oh! No!

I've k*lled us all, all my best friends.

All my best friends,
I'm gonna die with them!

- Call , , just call .
- Yeah, yeah.

- f*ck, sh*t! There's no signal!
- (JENNY SCREAMS)

ALL: (SCREAMING) sh*t!
Oh my God! Oh! Jenny!

GENA: Jenny? Where is she? Where is she?

There was this spooky clown,
and the lights went out!

It doesn't matter,
there's a stranger in the house!

- What?!
- I've been looking for you.

- Oh sh*t!
- (SCREAMS)

No! Don't touch her!

(MAN CRIES OUT, BODY THUDS ON STAIRS)

- Oh God! - Oh no!
- Oh my God!

Oh no! Oh... oh...

- (PANTING)
- Oh!

Uh, maybe he's okay?

(ALL EXHALE)

- I can't see anything.
- Is he dead?

Oh, I don't know!
I don't know, I don't know!

- We gotta get out of here!
- No, no,

someone has to go down
there and check on that guy,

- because I think you k*lled him!
- Yeah, okay, you go check.

No, I'm not gonna go, you go!
You pushed him!

What? I'm not going.
No, Kate, you're up.

What the f*ck? No, man!
It's a dark basement,

and he's a psychopath,
I can't see a f*ckin' thing down there!

- Val, you go!
- Me? No, I couldn't possibly.

If I fall down the stairs,
my ass could explode.

- I've heard that's happened to some...
- Argh! Shut up! I'll go.

I'll do it, just shut up!

Yeah, you go.

(HUFFS)

(SIGHS) I guess it's time
for this self-centred lunatic

to get her hands dirty.

(FOOTSTEPS RECEDE)

(THUNDER RUMBLES, RAIN PATTERS)

♪♪♪

(FOOTSTEPS THUD ON STAIRS)

Hello?

Man?

(STEPS CREAK)

(SCARED BREATHS)

♪♪♪

(WAKING MOAN)

- (GROANS)
- (SCREAMS)

(BOTH SCREAM)

(HARD THUD)

(SCREAMING)

(RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, PANTING, DOOR SLAMS)

(RAIN PATTERS)

SLOANE: So let me get this straight,
he's dead, again?

I don't know! I bopped him.

- Bopped him?
- Does anyone else's cell phone

- work yet, have you checked?
- No, I don't... aah!

Okay! I pushed a hutch
in front of the door,

we should be safe for the time being.

From the man who might be dead.

- What the f*ck is a hutch?!
- It's like a credenza.

No, she means like, a console table.

She's obviously talking about a buffet.

Oh my God, just be clear, Val!

(VAL GASPS)

(SCOFFS) This is the worst
bachelorette party...

ever.

(ALL SIGH)

Jenny, I'm really sorry
that you had a miscarriage.

And I'm sorry that I haven't
been a better friend.

It's okay.

But I think I k*lled someone,
and I'm going to jail.

(SIGHS) I might as well go to jail.

When I tell MCP about that baby,
he's gonna leave me,

I might as well die in prison.

Wait, you haven't told MCP yet
that you had a miscarriage?

Oh, I get it, you show your soft spot,

you show 'em exactly where to hurt you.

Why do you think MCP will leave you

- if you tell him about the baby?
- Why wouldn't he?

Jenny, you're gonna marry
someone who would leave you

if you had a miscarriage?

You're worth so much more than that,
it's actually insane.

You listen to me,
if this fuckface would leave you

for having a miscarriage,
then he does not deserve

to be walking around
with intact testicles.

I will slice that bag right open.

- Ssst!
- Nice. - Whoa!

That's what I'm f*ckin' talkin' about,
yes!

Open him up.

Thank you, guys.

Really.

- (SIGHS)
- Good news!

- Wow.
- You've gotta be kidding, woman!

They found that guy, from the alert.

- Wait, what?
- The guy on the loose.

- They found him.
- Wait,

if the man in the basement
isn't the man from the alert,

and he isn't the man from package B,

- then who the hell is he?
- W...

(DOORBELL RINGS)

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

(DOOR CREAKS)

My-my dad came here looking for help.

We hit a possum.

- Daddy?
- MAN: Henry!

Henry! Henry, get away from the door,
these women are...

Oh! Please!
Please open this, let me see my son!

Sir?

- We are so sorry.
- Son, run! Go!

- Run, run, run! Run! Okay!
- (PAINED GASPS)

Very, very sorry!

- Hmm!
- (DOOR CREAKS SHUT)

#notallmen, I suppose.

Okay, this is the worst
bachelorette ever, yeah?

ANNE AND JENNY: Ever.

(BIRDS CHIRP)

♪♪♪

- (DOOR SLAMS)
- Hey.

I wanted to say I'm really
sorry about what happened.

And also about what
you overheard me say,

I was really out of line.

It's okay.

I haven't exactly been perfect.

(SIGHS)

Apparently I needed to hear that.

- Hey, you.
- Hey.

You rushing home to see sweetie-pie man?

I think that's run its course.

Oh no, I thought
you really liked that guy.

- Better off without him.
- Okay.

Hey, drive safe.

(DOOR SHUTS, ENGINE ROARS)

(CAR RUMBLES, TIRES CRUNCH)

What a crazy f*cking night.

(LAUGHS) Seriously.

And just think,
if you had abandoned your anger,

you wouldn't have been able
to protect us. Who knows

- what that man would've done to us?
- Yeah,

well, nothing,
considering he was innocent.

- But we didn't know that.
- We didn't know that.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Honestly, I've been thinking,
and maybe...

Lionel should be the one to apologize.

- Okay.
- I mean, he punched a kid twice,

- he kissed Tomé...
- Uh, what?!

Oh my God!

And he had the f*ckin'
audacity to be mad at you

for calling out hypocrisy
in the courtroom?

- (SIGHS) Anne.
- I know.

- Anne!
- I know!

- Anne!
- I know! Thank you.

- f*ck!
- All right,

I'm gonna go pee before we go,

but then I wanna hear
about this Tomé kiss.

- Wtf?
- Right?

(GROANS)

(TOILET FLUSHES)

(WATER SPLASHES)

(CONTENT SIGH, TURNS WATER OFF)

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

♪♪♪