06x17 - The Wedding Deal

[bunniefuu]

- [Lisa] Oliver!

- I'm up here.

- What are you doing up there?

- Fixing the roof.

Boards are all rotten.

- Just like the
rest of the house.

- It'll be as good as
new when I finish.

- That's what you said when
you fixed the bathroom plumbing,

just before the flood.

- Well, the plumbing
was rotten, too.

- Just like the
rest of the house.

- Will you stop saying that?

And where's Eb?

- He had a date with Darlene.

- He was supposed to help me.

Oh!

Honey, will you
throw the hammer up?

- Yes, sir!

- Ooh!

- Is there anything else
you want me to toss up?

- Yes, the first aid kit.

- Mrs. Douglas, guess what?

Darlene and me are
gonna be nuptialated!

- That's wonderful.

- We set the date.

Just think: two
weeks from today,

I'll be a bride... - Aah!

- Oh, there you are, Dad!

Did you hear the big news?

- Oh, you...

(theme music)

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading
out, so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling, I love you,
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye, city life

♪ Green Acres, we are there

When is lunch gonna be ready?

- It's in the oven.

It will be ready in a minute.

- What are you cooking?

- Oh Oliver, isn't it wonderful?

Our boy's getting married!

- He's not our boy.

- Just think: two
weeks from today,

we'll be mothers
and fathers in law.

- Yeah, fine.

How long is that going to...

- I am not going to be
one of those mother-in-laws

who interferes.

Whatever they want to
do, it's alright with me.

- Good.

Look, I'm hungry.

How about the...
- I'm wondering

where they're going to live.

- Well, Eb said he saw a
little apartment in Pixley.

- A house in
Hooterville will be better.

- Don't you think that's
up to Darlene and Eb?

- They're children.

What do they know
compared to a mother-in-law?

- Lisa, you said you
weren't going to interfere.

- That's not interfering.

What you mother
does, that's interfering.

- Well, how about my lunch?

- It didn't beep yet.

- Beep?

- Yes, you see...
- Hi!

- Well, if it isn't the
happy bridegroom!

- Yeah.

Just think: two
weeks from today,

I'll be a married man!

- Will you stop doing that?

- Is lunch ready?

- Not quite.

- Oh, it hasn't beeped yet.

- Beeped? What does that mean?

- Well, I can't wait for lunch.

I got a whole list of things
I gotta do this afternoon.

- How about doing some work?

- No, that's not on the list.

Darlene and I have to
get a marriage license,

health certificate, find a
place to hold the wedding,

and we have to go shopping.

- For what?

- Well, Darlene has to
pick out her bridal gown,

and I have to get
my groomal suit!

- Your groomal suit?

- What was this I heard
about you moving to Pixley?

- We decided against that.

Pixley's too far away.

- Not for me it isn't.

- Where are you
going to live, Eb?

- Right here with
you and Mr. Douglas.

- Oh, that's wonderful.

That will be nice and close.

- Hold it, hold it.

They are not moving in here.

- [Lisa] Why not?

- It's a mistake for newlyweds

to move in with their in-laws.

- You didn't say that
when you moved in

with my folks for two years.

- It was two days.

- Well, Father always
said having you around

seemed like two years.

- Let me tell you
about your father.

- Uh-oh.

I can see the clouds
of w*r gathering.

I better pick up Darlene.

- Now what was that nasty

you were working
on about my father?

- Can I have some lunch?

- But it isn't ready yet.

You have to wait... (beeping)

It's ready.

I'm coming!

- What the...

- Here you are: one
polarized chicken.

- Polarized chicken?

- Yes, it beeps when it's ready.

- Of all the...
- It's been so successful,

I hear they're coming
out with a camera like it.

- Mr. Drucker.

Mr. Drucker!

- Oh, hi folks!

I was just cooking some lunch.

You et yet?

- Yes, we et.

- Ate.

- Well, he asked if we et,

so I couldn't have
said to him we ate.

- Yeah.

Mr. Drucker, we...

- Have you heard
about Eb and Darlene?

- Oh, yeah.

Eb asked me to justice
of the peace them.

- Yeah, fine.

Well, we need some...

- Got my justice coat all ready.

Haven't used it
for over two years.

- (coughs) Mr. Drucker, watch...

- The marriage business
sure has fallen off around here

since they opened that wedding
chapel at the drive-in movie.

- They have a wedding
chapel in a drive-in movie?

- Oh, you know
how folks are today.

They hate to get
out of their cars.

- That's ridiculous.

- I don't think so.

It's better than watching some
of those movies they show.

- Mr. Drucker, can we get...

- I'll be doggone.

You know what this is?

A piece of wedding cake
from my last ceremony.

That was from the
time that Barney Owens

almost married that go-go
dancer from Stankwell Falls.

- What do you mean, "almost"?

- I was up to the
part when I say,

if anyone here
objects to this marriage,

they should speak now
or forever hold their peace,

and some loudmouth spoke
up and ruined the wedding.

- Who did that?

- Barney's wife.

- Oh.

Look, Mr. Drucker,
could we get some...

- Oh, by the way, have you
picked out a wedding present

for Eb and Darlene?

- I thought we'd get them a
120-piece solid gold dinner set.

- 120...
- Have you got one in stock?

- No, I sold the
last one Tuesday.

- Who would buy a...

- I do have something that
would make a great gift for them.

These are the latest thing:

a set of his and hers bathrobes.

This is a his.

And this is a...

Guess I'm all out of hers.

How about a set of his and his?

- No, no, no.

Could we please get
what we... (beeping)

- Oh, my lunch is ready.

I'm cooking a polarized duck.

You see, it beeps when...

- Yeah, I know, I know.

Goodbye, Mr. Drucker.
- Bye!

- Hasn't Eb come back yet?

We're all waiting on...
- What do you think

about the chinchilla bedspread?

- What?

- For a wedding present
for Eb and Darlene?

It's on sale for only $3,600.

- I'm not spending $3,600 for...

- Would you go for $2,800?

They have this mink sheets.

- Forget it!

- Well, then what
are going to get them?

- The his and his
bathrobes sound good to me.

- Like my father always said,

you sure are tight with a buck.

- Your father never
said anything like it.

- Hi!

- Well, you finally got here.

It's about time.

- Did you miss me, Dad?

- Will you stop calling...

- Listen, we got
everything on our list done,

except a place to get married.

- Come on, let's get to work.

- Yes, sir.

What do we have to do?

- We gotta fix this roof.

- Why do I have to do that?

You're the one
that fell through it!

- Get started, will you?

No, we've got...
(car horn honking)

(loud backfire)

- Well, how does that
grab your ecology?

- Mr. Haney, I'm busy.

- That's right, you
go right ahead.

I'm here to see
the young groomal.

- There's no such thing as a...

- May I congratulate you on
your upcoming wedlockery?

- Thanks!

- And may I present you...

With this free gift?

This magnificent
matched bookend.

- Golly, thanks!

- What are you thanking him for?

He gave you one crummy bookend!

- Oh, if he wants
the complete set...

He can have this other
one for the small sum of $35.

- Those things aren't worth $2!

- Mr. Douglas, these are
genuine Siamese catfish.

- Siamese catfish.

- Still in their p*ssy stage.

- Mr. Haney, I said we're busy.

- Well, then I won't keep you.

Eb, have you decided where
you're gonna hold the wedding?

- Not yet.

- Then how
fortui-tui-tuitous it is

that I stopped by.

- That remains to be seen.

- I have the ideal
spot for a wedding.

Not only will you
get the service free,

but you'll also
receive $50 in cash,

$25 in pots and pans,

and free photographs
of the entire event.

- Golly!

That sounds super keen!

- Then we have a deal?

- Yes sir, I...
- Wait, wait, wait a minute.

Don't you wanna know
a little more about it?

- Who cares, as long as
we get all that free stuff?

- Where is this
ideal wedding spot?

- Do you know the Tidy
Bright Carwash in Pixley?

- Yes.

- That's it.

- You expect them to
get married in a carwash?

- It's to promote
cleanliness in marriage.

- Boy, that sounds real funky!

- Eb, you can't be serious...

- I'll go and make
all the arrangements.

- Look, Mr. Haney...

Eb, you gotta be
out of your mind!

- Why?

It's a great deal.

Wait 'til I tell Darlene!

- Eb, you're not serious.

- What's wrong with getting
married in a carwash?

Except for the fact that
we haven't got a car.

But we could borrow one.

- No thanks!

- But Darlene,
this is a great deal,

with all those free gifts.

- No.

- I'm willing to
split 'em with you.

I'll take the $50 in cash,

and you can have the
$25 in pots and pans.

- Absolutely not.

I want a nice, dignified
church wedding.

- What kind of a deal
will the church give us?

- Why do we have to have a deal?

- Because it's the American way!

- Eb, I don't want to
discuss it any further.

The carwash is out.

- Well, I'll give
into you this time.

But don't mistake this
for weakness on my part!

From now on, I'm
gonna be the boss.

- It's okay with me.

Why don't we kiss and make up?

- I'll decide when
we kiss and make up.

- Well?

- I guess now is as
good a time as any.

- Get your clammy
mitts off my daughter!

- I was just kissing her!

- What are you,
some kind of animal?

- But Daddy, we're
going to be married.

- I wish you'd stop saying that.

It gives me heartburn.

- Mr. Wheeler, I just...

- What are you doing over here,

mauling my daughter
in the middle of the day?

Why aren't you working?

- Mr. Douglas gave
me the afternoon off!

- Well, that sounds like
something a radical would do.

- But Daddy,
Mr. Douglas isn't...

- Get in the house!

- Okay.

- Not you.

I don't want to see
you 'til the wedding.

And if you don't show
up, then that's okay, too.

Come on, sweetheart.

- Ooh, you stupid!

- What did I do now?

- No, not you.

I can't get this
post back in place.

Where's Eb?

- He went over to see Mr. Haney.

- What for?

- To cancel the carwash.

Darlene didn't like the idea.

- I'm glad one of
them's got some sense.

You miserable!

- Who are you talking to now?

- I can't get the
thing straight.

- Well, if you hit it where
the knots hole is, you could.

- What knots hole?

- Right there.

In Hungary they have a saying:

if you hit something
where the knots hole is,

everything would straighten out.

- Lisa, those Hungarian
sayings are a bunch...

(car horn honking)

- Hello!
- Hello there, Mr. Kimball.

- Hi.

- I just came over to... To...

Oh, tearing down your roof, huh?

- No, I'm not.

I'm trying to
straighten the post.

- Well, why don't you hit
it where the knots hole is?

- Mr. Kimball...

- In Sweden they have a saying.

No, it's not Sweden, it's...
- Hungary?

- No, I just had lunch.

(laughs)

- Ooh, you dirty!

- Say, I just heard
about Eb and Darlene.

- Yes, isn't it wonderful?

- Yeah, it sure is.

Imagine, both of them getting
a job at the same carwash.

- No, they were supposed
to get married there.

- Who was supposed
to get married there?

- Eb and Darlene.

- Oh.

Well, if they're
gonna get married,

I'll guess she'll have
to give up her job

at the carwash, huh?

- I never thought of that.

- Oh, boy...

- Well, I guess I
better be running along.

- Good.

- Well goodbye, Mr. Douglas.

- Goodbye.

- Say, do you have any idea
what kind of a wedding present

I can get for Ned and Marlene?

- Who are they?

- He means Eb and Darlene.

- Who are they?

- They're the carwash couple.

- How about a set of his
and hers rubber boots?

- Why didn't I think of that?

- Mr. Kimball, I will
give you 10 seconds

to get out of here,

and if you wanna
take her with you,

I'll give you an
extra five seconds.

(gasps)

- That's very sporting of ya,

but I was gonna leave anyway.

I got a very busy
afternoon ahead of me.

I have to...

What do I have to do again?

Oh yeah.

Get my car washed.

Bye!

- Bye, Mr. Kimball.

You don't want to
try the knots hole hit?

- Why don't you just go inside

and practice old
Hungarian sayings?

- Alright, I will.

- Mr. Douglas!

Mr. Douglas!

(tires screeching)

- You nearly ran me over!

- Mr. Douglas!

Oh, you're out here.

- Yes, certainly I'm out here.

- Sorry.

I just want to tell
you the good news.

We're not getting
married in the car wash.

Mr. Haney got us
a much better deal.

We get two rooms of furniture,
all our kitchen appliances,

and a color TV.

- What do you have
to do for all that?

- Nothing.

We just have to get
married in the window

of the Pixley Emporium.

- In the window...
- Yeah, they're gonna use us

to promote their
summer clearance sale.

It's gonna be on TV.

- What did Darlene
say about that?

- I haven't told her yet.

- Don't you think you ought to?

- Why?

- She may not want to get
married in a store window.

- Well, then she can stay home

and watch me get married on TV!

No, I guess that wouldn't work.

I guess I better tell her.

(knocking on door)

- Oh, hi.

- Well, if it isn't
the Discount Kid.

- What?

- Boy, what some people won't do

to get something for nothing.

- I don't know what
you're talking...

- Oliver!

Oh, hello there Mr. Wheeler.

It's so nice to see you again.

- It's nice to see
you, Mrs. Douglas.

I can't say the same for
your deadbeat husband.

- What did the deadbeat do now?

- Well, he arranged to have
my daughter get married

in a department store window.

- You didn't tell
me you did that.

- I didn't!

- Eb said you
forced him to do it

so he'd get the furniture free

and you wouldn't
have to buy him any.

- I never...
- And that carwash deal

you drummed up,
that was a lulu, too.

- Oh, now look...

- I suppose the wedding
ceremony ain't sacred to you.

Anybody who would get
married in a laundromat.

- When did you get
married in a laundry mat?

- I never got married...
- Eb told me.

He said they gave you a
year's supply of detergent.

- That's an outright lie.

- Who did you give
the detergent to?

- Look, no more Mickey
Mouse wedding plans.

Tell your kid the wedding's
gonna be in a church,

or there won't be any at all.

Now goodbye!

And goodbye to
you, Mrs. Douglas.

It's always a
pleasure to see you.

- And it is always a pleasure
to see you, Mr. Wheeler.

- Thank you.

- Oh, he's such a nice man.

- What do you mean,

the Emporium won't
let you out of the deal?

- I signed a contract.

- You signed a contract?

- He sure did.

- Do you want some cream?

- No, no thank you.

- He's got to go through
with the window wedding.

- No, he doesn't.

- Would you like to
have some sugar?

- No, no thank you.

Look, Eb.

Don't let Mr. Haney
shake you up.

Just forget the whole thing.

- Including the $100?

- What $100?

- Well, that's what the
Emporium advanced him

to seal the deal.

- Give it back.

- I can't.

I already spent it for
a mohair marryin' suit.

- Of all the...

- You always take your
coffee with cream and sugar.

- Yes, I know I do.

Look, Eb.

I'll lend you the 100.

- Will you lend him
the 150,000, too?

- Of course he will!

- I will not.

- Boy!

When you drink
your coffee black,

you're impossible
to get along with.

- What's the 150,000 for?

- That's what the
Emporium's gonna sue me for

if I breach my contract.

- They've outlayed
a lot of money,

buying TV time,
redirecting the store window,

sending out
announcements to the press.

And they're asking
damages for all that,

which is obtuse
of my commission.

- Your commission?

- Don't you think I'm
entitled to get something

for public relation
in this great idea?

- You certainly are,

and if you stick
around much longer,

you'll get it!

- Mr. Douglas, as a lawyer

you know that if Eb doesn't
go through with this wedding,

the Emporium has every
right to e pluribus his unum.

- There's no such
thing as e plur...

- Oliver, Oliver, you
forgot your coffee.

- No, I don't want it.

- Well, then why did you
put cream and sugar in it?

- I didn't put cream and...

- Save me, Mr. Douglas, save me!

- Oh, will you cut it out.

Look, Mr. Haney
got you into this,

let him get you out of it.

- Well, now there is a way out.

The contract
calls for a wedding,

but it don't specify
who's to be married,

as long as they're
man and woman.

Now if we could find
a substitute couple.

- Don't look any further.

Here we are.

- What?

- Oh, thank you, Dad, thank you!

- Cut it out!

- But Oliver...
- No!

- Why not?

- For one thing,
we're already married.

- But getting married
is good for you.

It's like getting a vaccination.

You need a booster
sh*t every few years.

- I don't need a booster sh*t.

- You mean you're
gonna let them sue me

and send me to jail?

- Yes, I will.
- Oh, no.

No, he wouldn't.

Then you will marry me.

- I'll inform the Emporium
that the second team

is coming in.

- Good.

- Did it start yet?

- I just turned
the television on.

Why are you all dressed up?

- I can't go to my mom and
dad's wedding in my old clothes.

- [Announcer] This is
WPIXL-TV, the voice of Pixley.

Stay tuned for the
Emporium Wedding Special,

which follows immediately.

- We could have been
getting married on TV

if you hadn't of been so fussy!

- Eb!

- Good morning,
ladies and gentleman,

and welcome to the main window

of the Pixley Emporium,

where in a few moments
we'll bring you the wedding

of Oliver and Lisa Douglas.

Mrs. Watkins is
seated at the keyboard

of the Clagwell organ,

which runs on
ordinary cooking gas.

As a wedding special,

the Emporium will be selling
the Clagwell organ at 20% off.

I'm sure you'd all like to have

one of these fine
instruments in your home.

Not only can you
play music on it,

but by pressing the proper keys,

you can also hear your
favorite sound effects,

such as bird calls.

(birds tweeting)

Train effects.

(train whistle blowing)

Or the ever popular
Battle of the Bulge.

(rapid g*nf*re)

- Golly, we could have
had one of those for nothing

if we'd gotten
married in the window!

- And now I see
we're ready to start,

as Sam Drucker, the
genial justice of the peace

from Hooterville,
takes his place

in front of the
Johnson patented altar.

This two-purpose altar is
another Emporium wedding special.

It's made out of genuine wood,

and can be converted
into a kitchen table

by simply pressing
a concealed button.

- Boy, there's another kino
thing we could have had!

- Eb!

(plays Bridal Chorus)

- Now here comes the bride.

Her silk gown is being featured

in the Emporium wedding salon.

It comes equipped with a veil

and a long train.

(train whistle blowing)

And now here comes the groom.

Here comes the groom!

Mr. Douglas is wearing
our wedding special,

which may be
purchased for 25% off

in the Emporium men's
clothing department.

- Oliver, model it for them.

- Oh, for...

- This suit is made out
of a new miracle fiber,

polyacrylium,

which was used for
years to make racing tires.

(loud cars passing by quickly)

- Look, let's get
this over with.

- That's what you say
every time we get married.

- Mr. Drucker, please.

- Oh!

Dearly beloved, we
are gathered here to...

- Wow, here we are,
another wedding night.

- Lisa, if you don't mind,
I'd like to go to sleep.

- That's what you say
every time we get married.

- We didn't really get married.

We didn't even have a license.

- That's what you say
every time we get married.

- Look, we were married once.

That fiasco today
was just to help Eb out.

- Well, that was
very sweet of you,

and to give them
all the furniture.

- Yeah, they're
welcome to it, honey.

Now goodnight.

- Goodnight.

(duck quacking)

(thunder crashing)

(elephant trumpeting)

- What is that?

- Eb is taking his organ lesson.

- Now, how do I play
the Battle of the Bulge?

- Well, you just
press this button here.

- Okay.

(rapid g*nf*re)

- Where are you going?

- To dig a foxhole.

Goodnight!

(theme music)

- [Lisa] This has been a
Filmways presentation, darling.