06x20 - King Oliver I

[bunniefuu]

- Lisa, I...

What are you doing?

- Making up the bed.

- Into what?

- Just for that, I'm going to
leave the lumps on your side.

Why are you turning
on the TV set?

It's not time for your
favorite cartoon yet.

- Well, I just want to
see if the set will work

without the aerial.

- What happened to the aerial?

- It blew off the
roof last night.

- How could an aerial
blow the roof off?

- No, the aerial
didn't blow the roof off.

The wind blew the
roof off the aeri...

Hey, there's no picture.

- Oh well.

They'll have another
cartoon for you tomorrow.

- I wanna see the governor.

He's making a very important
speech at noon today.

- Well, if you don't
see him today,

you can catch the summer reruns.

- They don't rerun the
governor's speeches.

- Why not?

They rerun the governor.

- Look, why don't you
just work on your lumps





and leave me alone.

- What is so important
about the governor's speech?

- He's gonna talk
about our budget.

- What does he know
about our budget?

- No no, not our
budget, the state budget.

I'm going in to Drucker's
and watch it on his set.

- I'm coming with you.

- Since when are you so
interested in the state's economy?

- I'm not.

I need a new
refill for my lipstick.

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling, I love you,
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Time Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye, city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

- Hank, will you move
your left arm a little higher?

- How's that, Sam?

- Put the wire
back in your mouth.

You lost the picture.

- Oh, sorry.

- And now, lower your
right arm just a little.

That's perfect.

- What the?

- Don't ask me "What the?".

Ask him what "What the?".

- Mr. Kimball.

- Oh, hello there,
Mr. Douglas, Mrs. Douglas.

- Would you mind telling
me what you're doing?

- Oh, Sam's aerial blew
off the roof last night.

Well, it didn't
blow off the roof.

The roof's still there,
but the aerial isn't.

- Oh, the same thing
happened to us, too.

We had a blow
off with the aerial.

- Yeah well, Sam
couldn't find his rabbit ears,

so I'm helping him out.

- I didn't know what
Mr. Drucker had rabbit ears.

- No no, he doesn't
mean that he...

- Hank, did you take the
aerial out of your mouth?

- Oh yeah, I'm talking
to Mr. and Mrs. Douglas.

- Well, put it back,
the screen's blank.

- Oh sorry, I have
to get back to work.

- Raise your right
arm a little higher.

- Hello there, Mr. Drucker.

- I will be right with you.

Lower your left
arm a little bit.

No no no, that's no good.

Try raising your right leg.

Hold it, that's perfect.

Well.

Oh, my television aerial
blew off the roof last night,

and Hank is helping me out.

I don't wanna
miss the governor's

State of the State Statement.

- The State of the...

- Well, he used to call it
his Palaver to the People.

But I think State of
the State Statement

has a nice ring to it.

Now, is there something
I can do for you folks?

- Oh yes, I need a
refill for my lipstick.

(peppy music)

- Hold it, the
governor's coming on.

- Good afternoon,
my fellow citizens.

I'm sorry to have to
preempt the cartoon hour

for this State of
the State Statement.

But I felt I must
bring to your attention

a matter of the
utmost importance.

- Mr. Drucker, the shade
of the lipstick I need is...

- Shh.

- I can't remember ever having

to make such a
dramatic statement.

Unless it was in
that scene I played

with Miriam Hopkins
in "Her Land is Lost",

for which I won this Roscoe.

- Yeah, I saw that picture.

You know, he was a better
actor than he is a governor.

- Ladies and gentlemen,

it is my sad duty
to announce that

our state is bankrupt.

- Doggone, he sure
puts on a good show.

- Yes, bankrupt.

Or as we say in show
business, we have bombed out.

- Bombed out?

- The reason for
our financial problem

is due to the increased
cost of government

and the lack of revenue.

However, I believe I
have found a simple way

to get our state
back in the black.

Here's what I'm going to do.

I'm going to raise taxes 52%.

- 52%!

- Come to think of it, he
wasn't a very good actor either.

- In addition to raising taxes,

I intend to institute a
strict economy wave.

I am doing this by closing
our unemployment offices,

shutting down
12 of our colleges,

and cutting our
highway patrol in half.

- If he's going to cut the
highway patrol in half,

we're going to
have an awful lot of

short highway
patrolmen running around.

- And so, my fellow citizens,

I close by reminding
you of our state motto,

"Have a good day."

- What are you doing?

- Oh, I'm writing a letter.

- You write a pretty
nice typewriter.

Who are you writing to?

- The governor.

- Oh, be sure to tell him
how much we liked him

and Miriam Hopkins
in "Her Land is Lost".

- We didn't even see that.

- Tell him anyway.

You know how actors like
it when you flatten them.

- Flatter.

I'm not writing this
letter to flatten him any...

To flatter him.

I'm protesting his tax raise.

- Aren't there two
Ls in "knucklehead"?

- No.

- What about "jackass"?

Shouldn't that be a capital J?

- In my opinion, he's
a small J jackass.

- Who's a small J jackass?

- The governor.

- Oh, I thought you was writing
to your mother-in-law again.

- Eb, please.

- Why are you socking
it to the governor?

- Didn't you hear his speech?

He's gonna raise our taxes 52%.

- That's fine with me.

- Fine?
- [Eb] Yeah.

- I paid $1.87 last year.

I figure I can be a sport
for another 75 cents.

- Why don't you be
a sport for 75 cents?

- Because I pay a
lot more than that.

Somebody's got to protest.

- Aren't there two
Ls in "knucklehead"?

- No!

- Well, if the state hadn't
closed the colleges,

I could take a
course in spelling.

- Do you mind if I finish this?

- You're wasting your time.

- I'm not wasting my time.

You ought to make yourself
heard about the tax raise.

Why don't you write a
letter to the governor?

Everybody in town
ought to write one.

- Oliver, remember the last
time you told everybody in town

to write to the
electricical company?

- Yeah, it got
action, didn't it?

- Yes, they cut
off our electricical.

- That's beside the point.

We were unhappy,
and we let them know it.

- Yeah, they let
us know it, too.

- Look, it's every citizen's
duty to find injustice.

The way our forefathers did

when King George
taxed the colonists' tea.

They didn't pay the tax.

They answered by dumping
the tea in Boston Harbor.

- This doesn't seem like
a dumping situation to me.

- What's the sense
of talking to you two?

Let me finish the letter, huh?

If they get enough protest,
maybe they'll do something.

- Whoa.

- Mr. Kimball, what is that?

- What is what?

- What is this you're riding?

- Oh, this?

It's a jackass.

With a small J.

- Well, where's your truck?

- The state took
it away from me.

I'm a victim of the
economy wave.

Well, it's not a
wave, it's more of a...

- Whatever it
is, it's ridiculous.

- Huh, you think
that's ridiculous?

You did think that was
ridiculous, didn't you?

- Yeah.

- Well, they're
closing up my office.

- If you don't have an office,

where are you
gonna do your work?

- Well, that's a
very good question.

For which I have
a very sad answer.

They fired me.

- What?

- Yeah, from now on, I'll
be spending most of my time

at the unemployment office.

No, they're closing that, too.

Well, I can always
teach at college.

No, they're closing them, too.

- What are the farmers
around here gonna do

without a county agent?

- Guess they'll just have to
find somebody else to laugh at.

- Look, Mr. Kimball.

Are there any other services
the governor is curtailing?

- Oh, it's nothing important.

Unless you've tried to
use your phone lately.

- The governor can't do
anything about the phone service.

That's a private company.

- That's right.

But the president of the
phone company's brother-in-law

worked for the state
alcoholic commission,

and they let him go and the
president of the phone company

got mad and
disconnected the state.

- Oh!

This has gone far enough.

I'm gonna get the people
of this town together,

and we'll make our
collective voices heard

in the state capital.

(donkey brays)

- He says to
leave him out of it.

- Quiet, quiet, quiet.

Could I have your attention?

Could I have your
attention, please?

- Use the gavel.

- There isn't any.

- There isn't any gavel?

Would you care to buy one?

- Haney, will you be quiet?

- Ladies and gentlemen, look.

I'd hoped for a larger turnout
for this important meeting.

- That's because a lot
of people around here

have come to your
important meetings before

and found them to be
nothing but big time wasters.

- Mr. Ziffel.

- I think you ought to listen to
what my husband has to say.

- Ladies and
gentlemen, you all know

what our governor
proposes to do.

He's increased the taxes.

He's cut down on
essential services.

He shut down
some of our colleges.

This morning, I learned that

they closed Mr. Kimball's
office and fired him.

- Hooray! (applause)

- Well, thank you.

Thank you all for that
warm round of applause.

- Would you please sit down?

Now, in my opinion,
no citizen can survive

under the proposed tax increase.

We've got to take
some kind of action

to make our feelings
known in the state capital.

So, I'm throwing this
meeting open to suggestions.

- How about a singing telegram?

- A singing...
- I'll vote for that.

What'll we sing?

- How about "The Battle
Hymn of the Republic"

with new words?

- Look, folks, please.

Can we have a
serious suggestion?

- I have a serious suggestion.

- Well, let's hear it.

- It'll cost you $35.

- Mr. Haney, we're not
here to buy suggestions.

- Well, I ain't here to
give them for nothing.

- Oh, you miser...
- Mr. Chairman?

- Yes, what is it?

- Well, when my
father was the king...

- Lisa, Lisa, we don't
want to hear about...

- Oh, yes we do.

What happened with
your father the king?

- Well, the Hungarian parliament

wanted to raise
everybody's taxes.

And since my father was the king

and the highest paid
person in Hungary,

it would have cost him plenty.

- Yes, fine, now...

- What did your father do?

- Well, he told them he wasn't
going to pay any more taxes

and that he was
succeeding from Hungary.

- Seceding.

- That's right, he
succeeded in seceding.

He pulled up his
drawbridge, and he said,

"Fellas, I am no
longer with you.

"I am joining Czechoslovakia."

- I'm for that.

Why don't we join
Czechoslovakia?

- Why don't we join
something we can spell?

- Look, please,
let's be sensible.

- He's right.

We don't have a
drawbridge to pull up.

- Well, we can tear down the
bridge over Simpson Swamp.

- That's a good idea.

- It's not a good idea.

- I don't think
Hooterville should join up

with a foreign country.

Why don't we join up
with some other state

that has lower taxes?

- How about Nevada?

- That's even a better idea.

- It's not a better idea.

- Who's gonna write the letter?

- How about my husband?

He's got a typewriter.

- [Together] Yeah.

- Hold on, no no no no.

I'm not getting involved
in this, count me out.

- Now that the sorehead's gone,
maybe we can get somewhere.

- Don't you want to know
what happened last night

after you left the meeting?

- I'm not interested.

- But don't you want to know
what they decided to do?

- I don't want to hear about it.

Whatever they said
does not concern me.

- Mr. Douglas, I heard
there's a story about you

in the newspaper.

- About me?

- Yeah, did you see it?

- No, the paper hasn't come yet.

- Hey, this is the
third day it's been late.

- Well, Arnold didn't
learn the whole route yet.

- Arnold?

- Yes, he took over
for Willy Wilkins

so Willy can have the measles.

- How could a stupid
pig deliver a newspaper?

(window shatters)

(knocking at door)

Well, the paper pig is here.

- Hello there, Arnold.

(Arnold oinks)

- Well, let go of it!

- He wants his money.

- I've already paid
Willy for this month.

(Arnold oinks)

- He wants to see your receipt.

- I don't know where I...

Look, I'm not gonna stand
here and argue with a pig.

- Arnold, I'm sure
Mr. Douglas paid Willy.

(Arnold oinks)

- Lucky for him the
price of pork is down.

What the?

"Hooterville secedes from"...

- That's what I was
trying to tell you.

That's what happened last
night after you left the meeting.

- Well, that's the most...
- [Eb] Hi.

- "By an overwhelming
vote last night,

"the people of
Hooterville decided

"to pull up the bridge
over Simpson Swamp

"and form their own kingdom."

- The Kingdom of Hooterville.

- Of all the...

- They decided to do what
Mrs. Douglas' father did.

- Yes, they thought it was
a great idea after I told them

how well my father did
with his drawbridge up.

- They can't do that.

- Can I see that?

Holy Toledo.

Your majesty.

- What?

I'll be. King Oliver?

They can't.

And where did the
crown come from?

- Remember last night
when you ate the bread

and you thought it had
that expensive spread on it?

But it wasn't expensive
spread, it was oleomargarine.

- Oh my aching...

- You deserve
to be king, Oliver.

- You sure do, sire.

If you hadn't come
up with the idea

for us to secede from the union,

Hooterville would still
be where it was yesterday.

- Oh, Oliver, I am
so proud of you.

My husband, the king.

- King Oliver the First?

What is this nonsense?

- Hooterville seceded
from the state.

- Well, they can't do that.

- They tried to join Nevada,
but they refused them.

- But setting up a kingdom.

Get the king or the mayor
or somebody on the phone.

- We can't, your brother-in-law
has disconnected the state.

- Oh, that dirty...
This is anarchy.

Send the National Guard.

- We can't, you disbanded
them under your economy wave.

- Well, there must be something
we can do to stop them.

- I wouldn't worry
too much, sir.

They've cut themselves
off from the state,

but they can't
exist as an island.

- You're right.

In a couple of days,

they'll be begging
us to take them back.

- Yes, sir.

Oh, incidentally,
it's almost 11 o'clock.

- What about it?

- They're showing your
picture "Her Land is Lost"

on the early morning
movie matinee.

- Oh!

Good, good!

Turn on the set.

- Yes, sir.

- The first thing we
got to arrange for

is Mr. Douglas' carnation.

- Coronation.

- Well, whatever it is, I
got a coach and six horses

left over from the Cinderella
pageant that I'd be glad

to rent to the kingdom
for a nominal fee.

- I think we ought
to let the king walk.

- Yeah, it's more democratic.

It'll bring him closer
to us peasants.

- Where we gonna
hold the carnation?

- I can get us a good
deal on Hinkley's barn.

- [Together] Your majesty.

- Oh now, stop bowing, will you?

I'm not your maj... I'm
not anybody's majesty.

- You must excuse him.

He isn't used to the
king business yet.

- Hey, we're glad you showed up.

We're trying to figure
out your carnation.

- He means coronation.

- How would you know?

- You seem to have
forgot that I am the one

whose father drew
up his drawbridge.

- About you carnation
ball, your kingship.

Now, which band would you like?

- Why don't we use our own band?

The Royal Grenadine Guards.

- What Grenadine Guards?

- That's what we're calling
the volunteer fire department.

- Pretty royal, huh?

- I have to buy a new
dress for the carnation.

- The coronation.

- You're learning the
king business fast.

- Look, once and
for all, I'm not a king!

This is not a kingdom!

(bombs explode)

- It is now!

- What is that?

- They blew up the bridge
over Simpson Swamp,

inaugurating our new kingdom.

(somber violin music)

- It's easy to see why you won
that Roscoe Award, governor.

- It really should've gone
to Wallace Barry, but...

- [TV Announcer] We interrupt
the morning movie matinee

to bring you a special bulletin.

This morning, an historic
event took place in Hooterville.

As the citizens of this
community blow up this bridge

to signal the founding of
The Kingdom of Hooterville.

- They blew up the bridge?

They can't do that,
it's state property.

- Not anymore.

(phone rings)

- What's that?

- The phone.

- I thought it was disconnected.

- It's the hotline to
the White House.

- Hello.

Oh, good morning, Mr. President.

Yes yes, I just saw it.

Yes, it was quite an
expl*si*n, wasn't it?

What?

It's just a small uprising

because I raised
the taxes 52% and...

I can't call them.

See, my brother-in-law
disconnected the state.

Well, it's a long,
involved story.

Don't worry about it, sir.

I'll take care of it personally.

Good talking to you.

And have a good day.

The president thinks
it would be a good idea

if I went down there and tried
to straighten out this mess.

Order my limousine,
the bulletproof one.

It's times like
these when I wish

I were back at Warner Bros.

- Do you think it's
right for the king

to be eating in the kitchen?

- When my father was the
king, he always ate in the kitchen.

- That's because your
mother wouldn't let him eat

in the dining room.

- I think he ought to
have a more kingly repast

than toast and coffee.

- Will you knock it off.

I am not the...
(knocking at door)

- I'll answer it, sire.

(knocking continues)

- Well, answer it.

- You haven't given me
permission to withdraw.

- Withdraw, you...

- Oh, Oliver, isn't America
a wonderful country?

One day you're nothing,
and the next day you're a king.

- Look, is my toast ready yet?

- Uh-uh.

- Yes?

- I'd like to see Mr. Douglas.

- There's no Mr. Douglas
here, just King Oliver the One.

- That's him.

Where is he?

- Who are you?

- Just tell him that
Governor Carstairs is here.

- King Oliver the One
never sees anybody

without an appointment.

- Now see here.

- Eb, who's there?

- Governor Carport.

- Carstairs.

- Bring him in.

(shoes squishing)

- Governor Carstairs.
- [Governor] That's right.

- Why are your feet
squishing like that?

- My shoes are full of water.

I had to walk through
Simpson Swamp.

- Oh yes, they blew up the...

- Oh, Oliver, your
toast just popped out.

- Oh, fine.

Would you have
something to eat, governor?

- No, thanks.

- Don't sit down without
his majesty's permission.

- You're going to jail.

- Shoo.

Look, I'm sorry, governor.

- So, you're the nut
that's responsible

for starting this kingdom.

- He's the one.

- I didn't start it.

- Then how come you're the king?

- I'm not the king.

(horns blare)

- And where did that
crown come from?

- That's the
oleomargarine I use.

- You know, you've made
a lot of trouble for me.

- You're the one that
made all the trouble.

If you hadn't said you
were gonna raise the taxes...

- I had to, the
state is bankrupt.

It's the only way I could
think of raising money.

- There is another way.

- Oh, Lisa.

- Let her talk.

- Well, you were in the
movies, weren't you?

- Well, yes.

- You were pretty big star.

- There wasn't anybody
bigger, except maybe Rin Tin Tin.

My pictures made millions.

- There is your answer.

- Where's his answer?

- Well, the governor
could have a movie festival

of all his pictures and all
the money the theaters make

they would have
to pay to the state.

- Yes, the Governor
Carstairs Film Festival.

I imagine every citizen in the
state would come to see them.

- To be on the safe side,

you could pass a
law to make them go.

- Mrs. Doulgas,
that's a brilliant idea.

Why, they'd flock
to the theaters

to see such great pictures
of mine as "Her Land is Lost"

and that great Western I
made with Joel McCray,

"Hoof Prints Across the Mojave".

- The one I liked the best
was a w*r story you did.

What was the name of that?

- w*r story?

That must have been
one of my earlier pictures.

Now, what was the name of that?

(snare drums b*at)

- That's it!

"The Son of the Kaiser".

(theme music instrumental)

- [Lisa] This has been a
Filmways presentation, darling.