33x16 - Pretty Whittle Liar

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

(GRUNTING)

Ah-ha!

(BURPS)

♪ ♪

ANNOUNCER: Tonight on Million
Dollar Listing: Springfield.

♪ Fabulous ♪

♪ Fa-fabulous ♪

♪ Fabulous ♪

♪ Fa-fabulous ♪

♪ Fabulous ♪

♪ Fa-fa-fabulous. ♪

ANNOUNCER: We once again have only

one house in this whole town

worth a million dollars.

I keep telling you,
I don't want to sell.

This area has a great school system

and I'm thinking of starting a family.

My children, fight each other
to the death for my love.

(BURNS CHUCKLING)

- (CHAINSAW REVS)
- (THUDS)

I'm here in the sculpture garden,

and we can't keep the buyers away.

Maybe it's the fresh-baked
morphine cookies.

(ZOMBIE-LIKE VOICES):
Open concept dungeon,

four panic rooms,

hot and cold running oxygen.

(LAUGHS) Good old reality TV.

Snappy editing, no content.

♪ ♪

- ANNOUNCER: Homer.
- _

♪ ♪

- ANNOUNCER: Marge.
- _

(GRUNTS)

- (CREAKING)
- (GRUNTS)

What the...?

I'm hosting book club tonight,
and I was thinking,

maybe you'd like to go
to Moe's until we're done.

You want me to go to Moe's?

I do.

(WHOOPS) How drunk can I get?

Stinking or falling down?

Uh, how about "sociable"?

What I'm hearing is wedding drunk.

Wedding drunk, cash bar.

- Fine.
- (GRUNTS)

So, who liked the book?

Not me.
It was a farewell to my Saturday.

Aw.

Hemingway is so clichéd.

This book about Italian
ambulance drivers was...

(IMITATING SIREN):
...boring, boring, boring.

There wasn't enough
smoking in it for me.

May I speak mah piece?

What's your problem, Daisy May?

Couldn't make it through the audiobook?

(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)

Well, ah thinks it's a classic of style

that's more than a w*r story
and more than a love story.

With deceptively simple prose

as lean and sturdy as a half-ton marlin.

I-I mean...

my eyes was bewitchefied with
all them squiggels and squirms.

(CHUCKLES WEAKLY)

Well... I-I best git.

(CHUCKLES) I left all
my kids with a nanny.

(BLEATS)

BRANDINE: You free Saturday?

Then, the hillbilly woman made a comment

that was profound and insightful.

She's secretly smart.

Uh, Helen,
please do not gossip in church.

Did you hear about Brandine?

Well, it would be nice to
hear something other than

"Let me go, I have a family."

Well, I tried "you're under arrest,"

but you just laughed.

We got some nice wigglers.

They pair well with a hook.

Mm, I'll take a box of Napa Valley reds.

Hey, Spuckler.

I just want to warn you.

Your wife isn't the
woman you think she is.

Just what does you mean?

She's smart. Jeopardy smart.

Celebrity Jeopardy!?

Regular Jeopardy.

Ahh!

You do not tell a man
he don't know his wife.

That's like telling a man
his g*n's not loaded.

You let him find that out
at the worst possible time.

Well, you should know.

When your wife left the book club,
she dropped this.

- (BANJO PLUCKS OPENING TO BEETHOVEN'S SYMPHONY NO. )

(GASPS) Liberry has two R's?

- Your bait, sir.
- You just keep your worms.

I gots me bigger fish to fry.

Go on, git.

(SNIFFLES)

What a senseless waste of worms.

Men receiving credit for
women's work in science

has been dubbed "The Matilda Effect,"

with such victims as Lise Meitner,

Rosalind Franklin,
and Jocelyn Bell Burnell.

How many pumpkin stickers
will it take for you to stop?

Here, have the whole sheet.

This is really important.

Each of these heroines was nonplussed

at their lack of recognition and...

Sorry, Lisa.

I don't think you're
using that word correctly.

Nonplussed? Ha.

I'm pretty sure I am.

It means perplexed.

(MUTTERS SOFTLY)

(GRUNTS) It does.

As in, "The teacher was nonplussed

by the impudence of a student."

When I grow up, I want to be a big word.

Lisa, you get in the back
of the class and keep quiet.

Do I get an "A"?

An "A" for "aggravation."

(WHOOPS) An A's an A!

(GRUNTS)

- ♪ ♪
- _

Cletus, darling,

I-I made your favorite.

Sorry, but I'm in no mood
for porcu-pie right now.

Brandine, tell me true.

Are you actually smart?

Have all your yups just
being yeses in disguise?

Aw, don't be silly. (CHUCKLES)

Why? The only three R's I know

are racoons, Red Bull
and the rhythm method.

Please, I needs to know.

Brandine, who is you?

(SIGHS)

Darling, I'm afraid
I'm guilty of concealing

a significant self-improvement.

Guh-wha?

It started a few years back
with some books I read

that fell off a passing tornado.

(COW LOWING)

It was like entering a universe
I never knew existed.

I went to the ballet.

("SWAN LAKE THEME"
BY TCHAIKOVSKY PLAYING)

And I completed my self-education

at the Springfield Athenaeum.

- The what?
- Athenaeum.

- The what?
- Museum.

- The what?
- Pica-ture palace.

Got it. Oh, good lordy.

I'm starting to worry
there's more layers to you

than a skunk and tomater sandwich.

Brandine, I'm sorry.

But I-I can't have a
stranger as my woman.

Remember your vow.

You promised to love, honor,
and never grow in any way.

Well, you're right about that.

(SOBS) I'll leave now,

but I'll be back for
most of the children.

That's fair enough.

All right, which ones of y'all
want to stay with me?

And remember, you go with her...
you gots to wash your hands.

Whoa, you mean like every week?

- Sorry, Ma.
- Can't do it.

Say bye-bye to your mama.

Or would you prefer a "bon voyage"?

Cletus Delroy Spuckler,

you are lower than a gopher's basement.
Goodbye.

(SNIFFS) Young'uns, turn away

if you don't want to see your daddy cry.

We've seen you cry.

But we've never seen you yodel.

All right, then.

(YODELS SADLY)

- (DOORBELL RINGS)
- Brandine!

Are you here for further
book club discussions?

I'm here because I got
nowhere else to go.

I've been rejected by a man

who thinks it's funny
to light his farts.

- You can light them?
- No, Homer, no!

BART: Hey, whoa!

Wasn't me.

(SIGHS)

Ms. Spuckler? I brought
some books you might like.

You're a smart girl, Lisa.

Which means life will be harder
than a month-old biscuit.

(EXCLAIMS HAPPILY)

Oh...

So, about Cletus, um...

I just have to ask, sorry.

- What do you see in him?
- What do you mean?

Don't you think maybe
you could've done, um, better?

You mean, like you could've
done better than Homer?

What? What?

What?

People think I could've
done better than Homer?

ALL (LOUDLY): Yes.

(MARGE GASPS)

- (GASPS LOUDLY)
- _

I never knew anyone felt that way.

Reality check in aisle five.

Disco Stu needs to buy some glue.

Also, Marge, please get a clue.

Enough. Enough.

I'll tell you how I fell for Cletus.

It was one of those magical nights

when the world was young
and everything was golden,

including his tooth.

("WINTER" BY VIVALDI PLAYING)

We were seated at the same hay bale

at my sister's shotgun wedding.

- Um, is this bale six?
- It is.

Do you ever look at someone
across a crowded pasture

and your knees went all weak?

Not from rickets or scurvy,
but from sheer infatuation?

Oh, I ransacked my brain
for le mot juste,

but all I could find was...

Derr.

Derr yourself.

BRANDINE: In that moment,

twenty years of being the middle child

in a family of

fell away like high-heeled shoes
on a wedding night.

Uh, you know,
I'm pretty sure we's cousins.

Second? First?

Kissing.

Aww.

♪ ♪

You ever driven a tractor before?

No, sir.

These blades massage the soil

to make it ready for
what is sure to follow.

Churn that soil.

Churning. Always a-churning.

Until you just plant that seed
in there real deep. (WHOOPS)

You do this with all your dates?

Now, if I did, don't you think
this field would be plowed?

This is just for you, darling.

Mmm. (GIGGLES)

You're ruining my marijuana!

BRANDINE: That night, I knew
the next shotgun wedding I went to

was gonna be mine.

ALL: Aww.

♪ ♪

_

Oh, look who it is,
Little Miss Google Noodle.

This isn't fair.
There's four times as many of you.

She's trying to teach us to multiply.

Get her!

♪ ♪

MYLES: Yoink.

_

LISA: Hello? What is this?

Fight over who beats me up first?

BOY: Someone's nonplussed.

(GASPS) Correct usage.

Are you a real kid

or did the voice in
my head come to life?

Lisa Simpson,

I'd like to modestly ask you

to join our League of
Extraordinary Geniuses.

(PIANO SONATA NO.
BY BEETHOVEN PLAYING)

A club for smart kids?

But I've never noticed any other
names on the online honor roll.

And I refresh it hourly.

We hide in the shadows.

Which is scary,
so we bring little flashlights.

Eh, just you, Myles.

Ah!

MYLES: To avoid suspicion,

we figured out how to be good at sports.

_

TOBY: We don't wear our glasses,

even though we really need them.

Hold on. That food
is not fit for students.

Starve a landfill, feed a teacher.

So you pretend to be dumb?

Absolutely. To survive.

Like a brightly-colored bug
who is actually poison inside.

The Dasymutilla Occidentalis?

Don't tell anyone you know that.

If you do, the bullies
will pounce on you like an...

Arilus Cristatus?

Arilus Cristatus? Who said that?

- Ar...
- Shh. Quiet.

Name one more genus and species
and you will be silenced.

Engage the Idiot Shield.

(ON TV): Wheel. Of. Fortune.

Wheel of Fortune's on. Let's get home.

And that's how I realized

wheelchair ramps are
bitching skateboard jumps.

Thanks, Americans with Disabilities Act.

(LAUGHING)

(SIGHS) I miss my rotten little apples.

Especially the babies:
Moderna, AstraZeneca,

and the twins, Johnson & Johnson.

Well, I just wanted to say,

this is the best possum
potpie I ever had.

I know what you're thinking, Lisa.

But if God didn't want
us to eat possums,

he wouldn't have made
them look so delicious.

I'm just thinking about a
club I may join at school.

This one recruited me.

Aw, that's wonderful.

And Maggie, how was your day?

(CRYING)

I feel so bad for Brandine.

Homie, will you go talk to Cletus?

For you, baby, anything.

(CLICKS)

Sorry. I didn't fix the light
switch like you asked me to.

Well, maybe tomorrow?

For sure maybe.

Homer, do you think
people look at us and say,

"Why does she stay with him?"

Why does she stay with him?

Lord, why does she stay with him?

- DUFFMAN: Oh, yeah!
- _

Why does Mommy stay with...

- (MUFFLED)
- Don't tell her you can talk.

I don't think I could've done better,

but it seems every other
person in town thinks so.

You're not going to listen
to everybody, are you?

No, I'm not.

Just hang the blanket over the window

so I can get to sleep.

We don't have to do that anymore

because I fixed the blinds.

(THUDDING)

Ooh, a sh**ting star.

That's the water heater.

(SHRIEKS)

Cletus, you and Brandine have

to get back together.

Broken marriages are contagious.

This is not about if'n or
not I love Brandine. I do!

But she refused to tell me who she was.

Does she now think
hill folk are a-a joke?

Well, some of it's funny.

I mean, that long underwear
with the back door for the butt?

When it flaps open...

(CACKLING)

I mean, come on. (LAUGHING)

You just follow me.

- (HOMER CHUCKLES)
- Aw, sheet.

♪ ♪

Brandine didn't just lie to me.

What she done is made a mockery

of my forebearers who possibly
did include four bears.

I want you to look at me
not as a hick, or a bumpkin,

but as a human being. With feelings.

Just like you.

Oh, my God. You're right.

(GRUNTS)

I don't know how to feel right now.

I'm worried about your marriage.

I'm worried about my marriage.

Homer, no matter how you feel,

there's a country song
that expresses it perfectly.

No, that's not quite it.

Here we go.

- It's like they're singing just to me.
- (COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ Marge could've done better ♪

♪ Yes, she could, yes, she could ♪

♪ She regrets the day you met her ♪

♪ Yes, she does, yes, she does ♪

♪ She just realized you're no good ♪

♪ Yes, she did, what took so long? ♪

(SOBBING): Oh, why is it so catchy?

(CRYING)

(SINGING ALONG):
♪ She just realized you're no good ♪

♪ Yes, she did, what took so long? ♪

(CRYING)

- ("SWAN LAKE THEME" BY TCHAIKOVSKY PLAYING)
- _

- Are you leaving?
- I'm going home.

Marriages aren't perfect.

I've even forgiven him for
blowing a jug in his sleep.

- (JUG VIBRATING SOFTLY)
- (GROANS)

Well, that's great,
because my new friends

have given me the same tip.

"Hide your intelligence."

No, not you. You're too young.

You have everything ahead of you.

Show 'em how smart you are.

- Really?
- A-yup.

You hear that, brain? You're free.

Veni, vidi, vici!

Whoa, slow down there, poindexter.

("GOODBYE TIME"
BY CONWAY TWITTY PLAYING)

♪ You say you need a change ♪

- ♪ Don't all the dreams ♪
- _

♪ We've seen come true ♪

- ♪ Mean anything? ♪
- _

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Attention. I have some announcements

regarding the cafeteria menu.

Several items are misspelled.

"Gren beans" should be green beans.

"Tater tats" are tater tots.

"Healthy" should be not healthy.

- Also...
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

You have to listen.
I'm wearing a necktie.

(CHATTERING CONTINUES)

I am not bemused.

Uh, excuse me, Principal Skinner?

Uh, I just wanted to say

that I think you meant
you are not "amused"?

"Bemused" means bewildered.

What is she doing?

Revealing her intellect. Oh, the fool.

This isn't a magnet school.
We don't even own a magnet.

(CHUCKLES) That's
because I swallowed it.

(GRUNTS)

Never again will I hide my intelligence.

I am smartacus.

I am smartacus.

Unsurprisingly, I also am smartacus.

I am smartacus. Well, sort of smartacus.

Well, perfect attendacus.

Sitting downacus.

SKINNER: It's time to squelch this wave

of love of learning

and show them who's boss.

They are, loser.

I declare half a day.

Still too much.

Okay, no day.

(CHEERING)

Who wants their lunch money back?

Not me. It's fish stick day.

This is it, Brandine. k*ll your brain.

Take your medicine.

ALL: Mama!

Oh, hi, kids.

(CHUCKLES) Look at how
some of you have grown.

Where's your pap?

He's been doing a lot of thinking.

About you and him.
Can't go on like it has.

He said he's going to
a govement building

to get something so
he can start a new life.

No. I got to stop him.

- It's too late.
- Wha...?

Signed and sealed.

I got me a liberry card.

♪ ♪

Oh, Cletus.

And my first book.

_

Yeah, man, this looks like a toughie.

We'll get through it together.

- Homie?
- Marge, never again will I be the guy

about who people say,
"Why is she still with him?"

I fixed the drapes.
And the light switch.

- (CLICKING)
- Oh, nice.

But you'll have to do more than that.

I also cleaned the
lint trap in the dryer.

(MEOWS)

And?

Four things?

Okay, Marge. I admit it.

You could do better, but I couldn't.

Every day you give me
something awesome to sh**t for.

Though I may occasionally fall short,

because you are so great,
I will never stop trying.

I love you, Marge.

I love you, too.

Finally, just in case I needed it.

I got Elton John back.

And he's here,
ready to play for you again.

Oh, Homie. I never needed that.

(KISSES)

You mean I learned
songs for nothing?

I don't think they'll be
needing you guys either.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(DRUMROLL)

- ♪ ♪
- _

I want to tell y'all

about an American classic

that details a wealthy lifestyle
far beyond my reckoning.

It's called The Grapes of Wrath.

It's about a middle-American
family what drives

to California for a better life.

For a much better
treatment of this subject,

I recommend National Lampoon's Vacation,

now available on Hillbilly Plus.

Y'all come back now, you hear?

Shh!