09x17 - The Strangest Affair of All Time

[bunniefuu]

ADULT ADAM: Back in the ' s,
the show "Dynasty" was the best.

It had crazy wealth, shoulder pads,

- and endless lady fights.
- [Women screaming]

And no one loved it more than my mom.

[Sing-song voice] Everyone, shut up!

We were sitting quietly.

[Normal voice] But now you're talking.

Anticipate my irrational anxiety, Adam.

It's "Dynasty" night!

I'll always be noiseless for you, Mama.

Thank you, Barry. And, tonight,
you are my favorite.

- [Laughs]
- [Doorbell rings]

Damn it! Who the hell is
interrupting "Dynasty" night?!

- [Door opens]
- Ha ha! Hello, Beverly.

Hope I made it in time for kickoff.

Kickoff?

Oh, Murray's off touring a
suede factory in Tucson.

So I guess, "You'll get to go
to Tucson next time, Vic,"

means the time after that.

Boys, catch Vic up on "Dynasty"
in the next seconds.

Buckle up! Low-born nobody Krystle

marries silver fox oil
baron Blake Carrington.

Nick blames Blake for
his brother's su1c1de

in an Iraqi prison, but, really,

he just wants to seduce his daughter.

Turns out, Fallon is alive,
but she has amnesia!

She goes by Randall Adams now.

Blake and Nick fight on a mountain,

Blake falls off a pony,
and totally dies.

Cecil and Alexis are all... [Smooching]

- Oh!
- But then he has a heart att*ck,

and he's all, "Ohh!"

Turns out, Liam is alive,
but he has amnesia!

- Krystle and Alexis fight...
- Krystle and Alexis fight

- before the Black and White Ball.
- ... on a mountain.

- Krystle and Alexis fight in a mudslide.
- Krystle and Alexis fight in a parlor.

And then they find out
they're all cousins.

- Cousins?
- It's starting!

A window into my palatial
life is starting!

Ooh!

[Music plays on television]

Ohh! Lack of preamble!

They start the show with a slap?!

Oh, the appeal is evident.

Classic TV slap.

See how she uses her downstage hand?

Totally fakes the untrained eye.

We'll show ya. How dare
you steal my yacht?!

He's delightfully added
context to the v*olence!

You're sleeping with my chauffeur?!

Nice! We're playing slapsies?

I want in on this.

No, no, no, no!

- Wrong hand!
- BEVERLY: Oh!

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪

It was March rd, -something,

and with college on the horizon,

it was time to fill out
my roommate questionnaire

- for NYU.
- "Do you consider yourself shy,

fairly shy, neutral, fairly
outgoing, or outgoing?"

Good ol' neutral.

Okay, I'm just here to do laundry.

Can you do whatever
this is on the driveway?

I'm trying to match with
my perfect roommate,

and it's impossible.

I mean, look at this question...

"How comfortable are you with nudity?"

You'll write in "very."

Are you holding a kielbasa
in your bare hand?

Lucky for you, I was peckish
for this Polish delight.

An improperly filled out
roommate questionnaire

can ruin the rest of your life.

The sausage dummy's right for once.

You fill that out wrong,
and you might wind up living

- with someone like you.
- Isn't that the goal?

If you want to bunk up
with a social reject.

We love you, but you suck, bro.

Then what am I supposed to do?

Make yourself look cool.
For example, smoking...

- You check yes and no.
- That's just confusing.

Confusion equals uncertainty,

which equals mystery,

- which equals cool.
- Huge news!

Carrie Fisher said yes
to your prom-posal

and now you have to find
a Han Solo-themed tuxedo?

Better! As you know, I've
been struggling to decide

between my college acceptances.

Bragging is a form of bullying.

But after taking into account

who I could be going to college with...

Don't tease me, Dave Kim!

I'm going to NYU, baby!

Yeah!

Beep-dop-ming-bzzrt-unum-oomray.

Nep-sha-orkyay-victus-erghbot.

Ha ha! Yeah!

[Both laugh]

What the hell am I looking at?

We developed our own private language

based on the sounds of R -D and Latin.

Both classical and pig.

We call it Artootin.

Good God, man.

Ah! To celebrate, I'm gonna treat myself

to a new turtleneck in NYU violet.

To the Sears boys' section!

- [Door opens, closes]
- Wow.

- That all worked out.
- Traitor!

- Traitor?
- After all the effort

we put into helping you
the last two minutes?

Wha... This is a good thing.

I mean, after Brea
couldn't join me at NYU,

I thought I was gonna be alone.

But now I have my rock!

Dave Kim is a rock...

a rock that will weigh
you down socially.

We're in college.
We know how this works.

Live with Dave Kim,

and you two will dweeb yourselves
into a dorky black hole

from which you will never escape.

We do get a little lost in
each other sometimes.

I'm so glad you said that.

Now repeat it back to yourself

and hear how strange it sounds.

We do get a little lost in
each other sometimes.

- Oh, balls!
- Mm.

I guess if we had other roommates,

we could meet more people.

There ya go! Tell him that.

And we can introduce our
new friends to each other?

You won't, because
you'll be ditching him,

but that's another lie he might believe.

I don't know.

We do.

We'll send this form in

and make a list of everything
that's wrong with Dave Kim.

You don't need to do that.

It's already done... up here.

As my siblings were trying
to get me to lose Dave Kim,

my mom was searching for something

- my dad lost at the store.
- There she is!

What nosy business are you up to?

I'm looking for our TV remote.

Murray instinctively carries
it with him everywhere.

Oh, bingo! [Chuckles]

But the remote wasn't all she found.

[Dramatic music plays]

The [bleep] is that?

Oh, that's our well-respected
coffee corner.

We have over two flavors.

I am familiar with the coffee corner.

What I'm not familiar with
are those hideous mugs.

What happened to the paper cups?

Jane thought that those were, uh...

Oh, how did she put it?
Um, "a bag of ass."

Jane? Jane Bales?

Yeah, Janey has tons of ideas,
which I'm happy to indulge

because she's got the bod of a
department-store mannequin.

There's my king!
Oh, it's so decent of you

to consort with the sick
and the wretched.

Jane. Did the other witches
forget to tell you

- where the coven was meeting again?
- [Laughs]

Fun stuff. Here I go.

Jane, what the hell do you think
you're doing with those mugs?

Uh, I'm just classing up the joint.

I mean, God knows this store needs it.

- This store is just fine.
- [Chuckles]

This place makes your home
look like Buckingham Palace.

Buckingham Palace is in England,

and I'm just telling you because I
think you're provincial and dumb.

The only thing dumb is you
thinking that you have any say

in what goes on around here.

I'm seeing the Formica King.

Doesn't that make me the Formica Queen?

How dare you?

The Ottoman Empire was
started by my father.

- If anyone's queen, it's me.
- Says you. Ta!

Ooooh!

This is just like season three,
episode seven of "Dynasty"!

You see it, too!

After spending too many waking
hours with the Carringtons,

I can see that Jane Bales
is making a power play

of spectacular proportions.

Not if I have anything to say about it.

[Gasps] Ooh, my life really
is just like "Dynasty"!

They have class and
wealth you'll never know,

but y-you are having a minor
skirmish with another lady.

As my mom vowed to defend her empire,

it was time for me to hit
Dave Kim with some bad news.

Yo, yo! DK in the place to be!

I was thinking, you know
what would be way cooler

than us living together?

- Not living together.
- What?

Clearly, we both agree that
being roommates would be ideal.

But then again, not being roommates...

even more ideal!

Where is this coming from?

Me.

I know who did this.

What the actual [bleep]?!

- Whoa!
- Eddie Murphy words!

You guys convinced your brother

not to live with me next year.

We have absolutely no idea

what you're talking about, Dave Kim.

I think that you should
examine the possibility

that Adam despises you.

[Scoffs] No, no, no, no.
It's just a personal whim.

A "personal whim," you say?

So this carelessly-placed chalkboard

wouldn't happen to
include a detailed list

that led Adam to his ill-fated decision?

Merely a simple chalkboard
for playing Hangman

and other games I can't
think of right now.

Whoa!

That thing flips?

I've been turning it longwise.

"Reasons Not To Live With DK."

Unbelievable!

Well, you don't know. [Chuckles]

"DK" could stand for Donna Karan.

- Or Donkey Kong.
- Turtlenecks! Bowl cut!

My profound sleep apnea?!

Only you and Dave Kim's
mom know about that!

So we're trying to
help our little brother

not be a social disaster
before he even starts college.

It's not personal. Sorta.

[Scoffs, chuckles]
You're gonna go there?

Because you're just a
married lady who can't sing.

Drop out of another
school, why don't you?!

Because your best years are behind you!

- Whoa!
- Ha! He got you bad.

And you.

With your stupid fingers
and gross shirts

and fake bravado masking
colossal insecurity.

You're a buffoon who can't rap,

runs weird, and no one likes you!

What are these words?!

Let's just take a b*at.

You're the worst of all.

'Cause you listened to them.

Unum-dip-shnee-[whistles]-vici-ate-you-hay.

What'd he say?

Horrible, horrible things.

Mean.

As Dave Kim swore off our friendship,

my mom swore to protect
the Ottoman Empire

- from Jane Bales.
- [Line ringing]

Murray Goldberg's room, please.

Well, I don't care if he put
on the Do Not Disturb.

I have important dynastic business.

Oh, that doesn't meet your
threshold for an emergency?

- [Knock on door]
- Well, how about this?

- Screw you, Alan from Marriott!
- [Door opens]

- [Door closes]
- Beverly, hi.

- It's me.
- Oh. Ginzy.

Finally, a face with
the lines of wisdom.

Jane Bales is trying to stage a
coup of the Ottoman Empire!

We're both having dramatic days.

I thought I misplaced my keys,

but Charles took the wagon
out for a surprise wash.

- Thank you for that humdrum tale of drivel.
- Yeah.

It puts in stark contrast
how big my problems are.

Well, I actually just came
over here to thank you

for your very generous contribution

to my children's literacy charity.

[Chuckles] That sounds way wrong.

I was surprised, too.

Yeah, but, no, it's right there...

"Donation by the King and
Queen of the Ottoman Empire."

Jane Bales.

♪ ♪

Uh, the gala is this weekend.

BEVERLY: Oh, I'll be there.

Jane Bales had gone too far,

and my mom wasn't about
to take it lying down.

- That beauty can go right in the front, Victor.
- [Grunts]

- [Door bells jingle]
- What the hell is this?

Hello, Beverly.
I'm sprucing things up a bit.

This is called a divan.

All the Parisian boudoirs
are resplendent with them.

Are you choosing sides, Vic?

I'm merely exploring every contingency

in case there's an unexpected winner

in your battle with this wiry
and determined dragon-lady.

Vic, look in my eyes and know
that the terror you see is real.

Now get that thing out of my store!

- Vic, don't touch a thing!
- [Grunts]

The incredibly tasteful divan stays.

Vic, we sell affordable sofas,

not overstuffed fainting couches

plopped on by dehydrated
shrews in pantsuits!

- Vic, no!
- Vic, yes!

Aah! I can't do this anymore!

I'm supposed to be in Tucson, damn it!

I'm gonna go have a
little talk with Mike

- and clear this whole thing up.
- Okay. You go do that, Beverly.

Just know, I can give him
one thing that you never can.

- Please don't say "this body."
- This body.

♪ ♪

Mike, we need to talk about Jane

and all the changes she's making.

I'm sorry. I know it's a lot,

but what can I say?
She kisses this face.

I know, she's very brave,

but if we could just
address one thing...

I tell you, she's the perfect woman.

If she could only cook.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Jane can't cook?

I've been trying to force this
down for the past minutes.

I don't even know what it is.

Is that corn or peppermint?

Please don't tell Jane
I said any of this.

Don't worry. It'll be our little secret.

And with that, my mom had a tasty plan.

My mom had a recipe for how to
win back the Ottoman Empire.

Step one... Trick Mike into coming over.

So, you turn it this way, it's "locked,"

and you turn it this way,
and it's "unlocked."

I am just no good with this
mechanical stuff. [Laughs]

Step two... Give him a dash of
something Jane Bales couldn't.

[Sniffs] Ooh!

What is that delightful aroma?

Oh, I just threw some stuff in a pot.

Would you like a nibble?

Well, I-I don't... I don't know...

Just some ooey, gooey yumminess

I like to call "The Mexican Bathtub."

Oh, my stars.

♪ ♪

Finally, pour on the temptation
until Mike couldn't say no.

Like what you see, Formica Michael?

Oh, I do. I really do.

Then sit.

You know, I really shouldn't.

Because Janey's making dinner.

Something with fish necks.

Well, it'd be a shame

for all this golden deliciousness
to go to waste.

Oh, what could it hurt to have one bite?

- Janey doesn't have to know.
- No one does.

And while you're here,
let's talk about the store.

And so began the strangest
affair of all time.

Hey, you know what, Vic?

- I'll lock up.
- Oh. Y-You sure?

Yeah. I find that as I approach
my twilight years,

spending time with
furniture is invigorating.

That was a more full-bodied answer

than I was expecting, but toodaloo.

♪ ♪

[Door opens, bells jingle]

I can't believe we're doing this.

Just open your mouth and
take what I give you.

Yep, my mom had Mike in
the palm of her hand.

And Jane at her wits' end.

What the hell are you
doing with my divan?!

I'd like to know, too.

As well as why a furniture store
doesn't have a working dolly!

Babe, things change.

One day, a man might be happy
with a divan in the window,

the next day, he might acquire
a taste for a sleeper sofa.

Not better, it's not worse.

It's different, and
different is exciting!

You don't have to yell at me.

I'm not yelling! I'm exclaiming loudly!

My mom's plan was working perfectly.

Meanwhile, I was hoping the
roommate NYU assigned me

was a perfect match.

You must be Jed.

Are you a freshman?

I'm what they call an
"encore student"...

paying for school with the G.I. Bill.

G.I.? Like my favorite action figures.

But you're real. [Laughs]
And super intense.

Had a platoon buddy named Adam once.

He's in heaven now. At least,
I hope there's a heaven,

because I know there's a hell.

Well, I'm bringing a hamburger phone,

so we got that covered.

Meeting Jed convinced me

that the only weird,
intense roommate I wanted

was my lifelong best pal.

There's my wildly handsome friend

who's known for his forgiving
and forgetting nature.

- Save it.
- No, no, no, no, no!

Please be my roommate!

Too late. I already have one.

Balls!

Did yours also have
his marriage dissolve

when he came back stateside?

He's the nephew of Hollywood
character actor Ernie Hudson.

Winston from the "Ghostbusters?!"

He's my fourth favorite!

Excuse me, I have to make a phone call.

Who ya gonna call, Dave Kim?

I think you know.

While I faced a roommate nightmare,

my mom's "Dynasty" fantasy

was about to play out in reality.

Beverly, you made it.

I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

Really? Because you missed
it for the last nine years.

- Vic, there they are. Let's go.
- Oh.

Hello, Formica Michael.

Oh. Beverly, look, in the same
place as my Janey. [Chuckles]

And yet we're all comfortable,
and nothing's going on.

♪ ♪

Well, isn't this fun?

Helping children and being confused.

Well, let me make it clear.

Jane... I've been with your man!

♪ ♪

- What is she saying?
- I honestly have no idea

- what she's talking about.
- BEVERLY: Oh, I'll tell you.

Every day and all night,

we make sweet, sweet food together.

Did you just say "food"?

What an awkward way to
say you cook for the man.

Mike, is this true?

[Laughing] No! Janey!

Jane, no, I love everything
that you make!

Oh, then what's that marinara
sauce on your collar?

- [Jane gasps]
- Mm, yes, explain that.

This is lipstick!

I've been having several torrid affairs!

Oh, my God! You have
been eating her food.

An occasional snack!

Lunch, dinner, at my home,

in the store, in the very
car you drove here today!

[Gasps] I knew the
DeVille smelled shrimpy!

Fine! She's been feeding me!

But it meant nothing!

Or does it mean you
couldn't satisfy him?

- [Gasps]
- Well, I can.

And I had him begging for seconds!

- [Screeches]
- VIC: Ohh! Ohh!

[Spectators gasp]

Ohh!

- Oh!
- Oh, my word!

This is just like "Dynasty,"
but with smaller hats.

Maybe now you'll keep
your hands off my store!

What? Your store?! I don't
want your hideous store.

Well, then why were you
trying to take it from me?

I wasn't.

I was just trying to be
a part of Mike's life.

You know, a real partner,
like you are with Murray.

What?

Well, Mike only thinks of me one way...

as an incredibly stunning,
beautiful, and sexy woman.

That's not far from the truth.
I mean, look at her wet.

[Sighs] I want more. Okay?

But... I guess that'll never happen.

As Jane left my mom
wallowing in the deep end,

my friendship with my
best bud had taken a dive.

- Hey.
- What's with the sad face?

Dave Kim also cut you to your
very core with sharp words

that won't stop replaying in your head?

Nope. He just stopped
being my best friend.

Oh, come on, it's Dave Kim.
You'll figure it out.

Not this time.

Well, if there's one
thing you're good at,

it's winning back someone's
heart with a grand gesture.

I'll just do the thing I always
do that always works!

Always. Now go to him!

Barry was right.

I was the king of big,
apologetic gestures.

The "Say Anything" boombox?

I'm turning on the sprinklers!

Aw, geez! Ohh!

Problem was, Dave Kim knew all my moves.

Sappy montage of all
our greatest moments,

some in shameless slow-motion,

set to an emotionally manipulative song?

So I pulled out my biggest w*apon.

Okay, okay! Here he comes!

Not even Dave Kim could
resist a giant musical number.

- A-one and a-two...
- Stop! Nobody dance!

But we have a humongous
choreographed musical number

set to the song "Friends"
by rap-pop duo Whodini.

You don't get it.

The only reason I even chose NYU

was because you were going to be there.

But after what you did,
we are no longer friends,

and we never will be.

♪ ♪

Really?! You heard
that whole conversation

and thought, "We're still doing it"?

I had treated my best friend terribly.

The only thing left for me
to do was try to forget him.

I'm trashing all my cherished memories.

Hold up. Maybe I want the box.

What is this stuff?

It's my Dave Kim keepsake collection.

Sure, we all have one.

Is this a Minnesota Vikings tablecloth?

It's the wizard cloak we
used in our D&D adventures.

- Ticket stubs?
- Our first Weird Al concert.

He played "I Want a New Duck"

back to back with "Girls
Just Want To Have Lunch."

Finally. Something not terrifyingly
dorky... a notebook.

That's the English to
Artootin dictionary

from our made-up language.

Why are there six words for "thrust"?

- No way.
- It's a nuanced dialect!

Who knows.

Maybe G.I. Jed will turn out to be

a non-judgmental and
endlessly loyal best friend,

just like Dave Kim.

Aww.

I can't bear to see that little weirdo

without the other little weirdo.

I have an idea.

With that, my brother and sister
set out to prove that apologizing

was a universal language.

Tell Adam whatever
this is, I don't want it.

Wait. He doesn't know that we're here.

We've got something to
say to you, Dave Kim.

Kaa-toom ault-fay bleep bloop.

Am-day zeep arrrrr wee choot-choot.

Fee torp Dam-ay doop-doop
weee, diots-iay.

You guys learned Artootin?

Feep-feep, ova tizz. Meeg norp?

♪ ♪

Yeah.

We kinda just memorized
that small chunk.

Anyway, we're sorry if we destroyed

what you and Adam had, but
we hope that it's not unfixable.

The reason none of Adam's big
gestures of love worked on you

is 'cause...

[Sighs] ... you know him
better than anyone.

My brother and sister were
trying to remind Dave Kim

how much our friendship meant.

Meanwhile, my mom had to make
peace with her greatest enemy.

I'm sorry.

Things got a little...
w... way out of hand.

Well, you didn't have to
go and seduce my man

with your delicious boiled meats.

- Boiled?
- I don't know food!

When I was a child,

all my mother ever made
were gin and tonics

and cold conversation.

God, I love her.

For me, I remember going
into my father's store

and watching him put
out those paper cups.

I didn't know that.

It's kind of the only
connection I have left.

♪ ♪

I'll leave the store alone.

♪ ♪

Thank you.

And I know that Mike looks
like a doughnut with a face,

but... he's growing on me.

♪ ♪

I wanna keep him.

♪ ♪

Well, maybe I could help you with that.

Friendships can be complicated,

- whether new or lifelong.
- Hey, Adam.

Or should I say roommate?

Seriously?! You mean it?

- I do.
- Thank you, Dave Kim.

I can't imagine going to college
without my best friend.

♪ Don't change for you ♪

They call for equal parts
trust, understanding,

and forgiveness.

And if you follow the recipe...

- MIKE: Hey.
- ... you'll eventually learn...

- It's not bad!
- [Gasps]

... life can be pretty delicious.

We're gonna help you decide
what you're gonna take to college.

My Omnibot cassette-playing robot

with Huey Lewis and the News inside!

Here's something that
shouldn't be news...

Women don't like robots.

He-Man and the entire line

of Masters of Universe action figures.

In this universe,
you will get no action.

My trusty calculator watch.

The only thing you'll watch
is the babes run away.

Nothing's cooler than my
Indiana Jones hat and whip.

- [Whip cracks]
- Ow!