01x01 - The Goldfish Problem

[bunniefuu]

(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

(GLASS SHATTERS)

(' S POP MUSIC PLAYING)

(SIGHS)

Morning, Gus, my little
one-finned wonder.

Hello, Mom. It's me. Just checkin' in.

I got your postcard, putting
it up on Gus' t*nk now.

Yeah, it's very nice.
He is fuming, though.

Keeps asking why I don't take
him anywhere nice. (CHUCKLES)

Maybe one day, right?

He'd love to get out there, but
it's a bit hard with one fin, innit?

Anyway, Mom, all's
well here. Not too bad.

Still wake up every morning still
feeling like I got hit by a bus.

And if you...

Hey, mate, still selling the
old brushes and brooms, right?

Right in front of my entrance.

It's... Got no problem with it. Cheers.

Anyway, sorry I missed you, Mom.

I'll try you again
tomorrow. Laters, gators.

Oh, bloody hell. Wait!

Bollocks.

Cheers.

Hmm.

Will you look at that?

Looks like someone mistook

the Great Pyramid of
Giza for a rubbish dump.

It's not like there's anything in there.

Yeah. Maybe not.

But in there

is something wicked.

Check it out. They'd take
this big metal hook, right?

And they go up the old nozzle
and... (IMITATES SUCTION)

All the organs would come
out. Except for the heart.

How come?

Because they believed
you needed your heart

to be judged in the Underworld

and only the worthiest would be allowed

to pass through the Field of Reeds.

And did it suck for you? Getting
rejected from the Field of Reeds?

That doesn't make sense
'cause I'm not dead, am I?

- WOMAN: Stevie.
- Am I...

- That better not be you again.
- Sorry, Donna. Yeah, sorry. Got it.

STEVEN: There we go.

Don't know how many times
I have to tell you this.

You're not the bloody
tour guide, Stevie.

Steven, actually. I am... Steven.

No, you're bloody useless

unless you're actually
doing what you're paid to do,

which is to sell these to children.

Got it.

(DONNA SIGHS)

WOMAN: Hello.

- Hello.
- How's the sugar trade going?

I don't know what this has
to do with Egypt really.

They didn't have that
back then, did they? No.

They liked figs and dates, and...

My next tour's here but just checking,
we still on for : tomorrow?

- " : tomorrow"?
- "Best steak in town"?

- Oh, yeah. Right. Yeah.
- Yeah? Okay. (CHUCKLES)

Sorry. But...

- What?
- Are you asking me out?

(CHUCKLES)

- You're funny. I'll see you then.
- (STEVEN CHUCKLES)

Stevie, you absolute rascal. I
didn't know you had taken a cr*ck.

I didn't know either.

Hang on, did she say steak?

What in the world's a bloody
vegan gonna eat in a steak house?

I don't know, Donna. Salad? Bread?

Yeah, I can see why she went
for it. Real catch you are.

(CODE READER BEEPS)

- Bring those hippos up here, will you?
- Yeah, sure.

Taweret. The hippo, Goddess
Taweret. Oh, Donna, that reminds me.

When I was coming in this
morning, I saw the banners outside.

And that's what made you
late for work again, was it?

No. Sorry about that.

- The bus came early...
- Third time this week

- you've shuffled in like a lazy sod.
- I know.

That's why you'll be on
inventory this week. Well done.

All right. Aye, aye, Captain.

But no. I wanted to tell you that

the banners and the
posters of the Ennead...

- The what?
- The Ennead?

You know, like, the super
group of Egyptian gods?

- You got Horus, Osiris, Tefnut...
- Stop, please.

If this is some weird audition to

tour guide here, the answer's still no.

No. What I'm trying... That's
actually crushing to hear.

But what I'm trying to point out...

I'm not trying to slag off marketing,
but there's been a major blunder

because they've got seven gods
here, and the Ennead has nine.

I fired two of them for bein' late.

Listen, if you don't
stop natterin' at me,

I swear I'll shove you in a sarcophagus.

You can tell the pharaoh in there
what's wrong with them and all.

- Go on.
- All right.

- Go. Now. Oh, leave it.
- Yeah. I'm sorry.

Just leave it. Get out. Go away from me.

All right, always lovely to chat.

(DOOR OPENS)

- Hey. Good night, J.B.
- Good night, Scotty.

- See ya, mate.
- Scotty?

It's Steven. With a "V".

J.B.: Huh.

See you tomorrow.

Honestly, it's like
my body wants to get up

and wander about, you know, like
it has to get the , steps in.

You know? And I don't even know
about it until I wake up wherever.

That's why I try to stay awake
at night. What do you think?

Nah. You're right. I mean, I guess

there are stranger things
that people do, but...

No? Well, I think it's a bit... I'm sorry.

Extra pralines for the man himself.

So, the girl I was telling
you about, the one from work.

- We're going on a date tomorrow.
- Excuse me.

- Can you take our picture with him?
- Sure.

- Thank you.
- We're going on a date.

I didn't even ask her. I
don't know how it happened.

One. Two. Three.

- There you are. Cheers.
- Thank you.

- Don't forget the tip.
- MAN: Oh, yes.

(COINS CLINK)

- Cheers.
- Thank you.

Anyway, if I am gonna have
a girlfriend, at some point,

obviously can't have ankle
restraints on my bed, can I?

That's like the definition
of a red flag, isn't it?

You know what I mean, yeah?
Yeah, you know what I mean.

Gotta figure something out.

All right, I better jog on.

Nice catching up.

I will see you on the flip-flop.

- (COINS CLINK)
- All right, laters.

FEMALE VOICE: Hello! And
welcome to Staying Awake.

Let's start with trying to solve a puzzle.

Solving puzzles is a great
way to keep your mind awake.

Bored with puzzles? Try a book.

Reading can keep your
mind alert and focused.

Imagine being in the
story you're reading.

Is there an exciting chapter
you'd like to be a part of?

Just remember, you'll need about
five hours to keep your natural self.

Hello! And welcome to Staying Awake.

Let's start with trying to solve a puzzle.

Solving puzzles is a great
way to keep your mind awake.

Bored with puzzles?

Try a book.

Hello! Reading... Is there a
chapter you'd like to be a part of?

(OVERLAPPING AUDIO)

(GROANS, GASPS)

Oh, my God.

(JAW POPPING)

Ah!

Oh, that was weird. What happened?

What... What was that?

(GROANS)

(GASPS)

- MALE VOICE: Go back to sleep, worm.
- Hello?

- You're not supposed to be here.
- Yep. I completely agree.

- Where are you?
- Surrender the body to Marc.

Sorry, what? "The body"? What...

- "Surrender the body"? What body?
- Oh, the idiot's in control.

(GASPS SOFTLY)

Hello.

Hi...

What are you doing?

No, no, no!

MALE VOICE: Don't just stand there. Run!

- No, no, no! No! Please! (SCREAMS)
- (g*nshots)

(PANTING)

- (g*nshots)
- (GASPING)

(WHIMPERS)

MAN: He's heading for the village.

(BELLS TOLLING)

(CROWD WHISPERING)

(WHISPERING CONTINUES)

MAN: What a beautiful day.

It's like we're in Heaven.
Only it's not Heaven, is it?

It's a darkness. Sometimes
it hides in our very hearts.

We are here to make the Earth
as much like Heaven as possible.

Who'd like to go first?

You're a brave man. Offering
your soul for judgment.

Wanting to serve our goddess
even before she wakes.

I judge you in Ammit's name
with but a fraction of her power.

This is the face of a good man.

- (MAN CHUCKLES)
- MAN : Thank you.

(CROWD MURMURING)

MAN : Who would like to go next?

Please, Harrow. I must know.

Call me Arthur. Come.

Will you accept your scales,
regardless of the outcome?

WOMAN: Yes.

ARTHUR: I'm sorry.

I've been good my entire life.

I believe you.

But the scales see everything.

Perhaps it's something that lies ahead.

Well... I wish you could
live to see the world we make.

Yet, Ammit has decided.

- (ARTHUR BREATHES HEAVILY)
- (WOMAN GASPS)

(BODY THUDS)

I'm sorry. There was a
problem with the exchange.

We got ambushed. Someone
k*lled two of our men.

Is he still here?

GUARD: We think so, yes.

(SPEAKING ANCIENT EGYPTIAN)

- STEVEN: Oh, bollocks.
- ARTHUR: (IN ENGLISH) You...

I know you.

Me? Hi, uh...

Mercenary.

"Mercenary"? No, no.
I'm not a mercenary.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
No, I'm a gift shop-ist.

I work at a gift shop.
My name's Steven Grant.

Uh...

I'm trying to get back
home. Back to London.

(ENUNCIATING) London? Don't
know why I'm saying it like that.

- Well, Steven Grant of the gift shop.
- STEVEN: Yeah?

- Will you return the scarab?
- The... The what? Oh, all right.

Yeah, the... Oh, you mean...

- MALE VOICE: You will give him nothing.
- Here.

I strongly encourage you to return that.

I'm not... I'm...

I'm try...

Come on, now. It's
like my fingers froze.

But here's some of that... I don't know,

maybe it's the high
altitude or something.

(EXHALES SHARPLY) Ah!

There, take it. So
strange. Sorry, but...

- I will not ask again.
- I didn't do that on purpose.

I don't know what's happening.

There we go. Just take it,
take it, take it, take it.

- Oh, God! Now I'm trying to stop my legs.
- ARTHUR: Take him!

I can't... I'm trying to stop
my legs from moving.

I'm trying to give it to you.

- Wait, wait, wait!
- It's all right.

STEVEN: I'm trying, mate. I swear
I'm trying to give it to you.

(STEVEN GROANING)

GUARD: Got it!

(PANTS)

MALE VOICE: No. The idiot's back.

Ah...

Oh...

(BREATHING SHAKILY)

Sorry.

Oh, God.

I'm just gonna... I'm
gonna go, all right? Yeah.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

I see you're angry. I know I've
made you angry. I'm sorry, yeah?

Please, I don't...

STEVEN: Oh, God.

MALE VOICE: Don't you
dare drop the scarab.

All right, all right, all right!

That is my van! That is my van!

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

(POP MUSIC PLAYING IN VAN)

What am I doing? What am I doing?
I don't even have my license.

- (TIRES SCREECHING)
- Oh, my God.

Bugger, there's so many of them.

This has to be a dream.
This has to be a dream.

They're gonna k*ll me.
They're gonna k*ll me.

Come on, you bloody
cupcake van! Move it!

(HORN BLARING)

(SCREAMS)

(TIRES SCREECH)

(CRASHING)

(STEVEN GROANS)

(HORN HONKS)

Come on! Move your ass! Thank
you. So sorry. Thank you.

Charming.

(GRUNTS)

Wait, wait, wait! I'm sorry, I'm
sorry about the cupcake. No, no, no!

(GROANS)

(PANTS)

- (GASPS)
- (TIRES SCREECHING)

MALE VOICE: Wake up, Marc! If he
loses the scarab, I'll k*ll you both.

I don't understand what's happening!

- MALE VOICE: Truck, stupid!
- What?

Truck!

- (TRUCK HORN BLARING)
- (SCREAMING)

No!

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

Oh, no, no, no!

(HORN BLARING)

(YELLS)

(GROANS)

(PANTS)

(GASPS)

Huh? Oh, God.

I'm driving backwards.

MALE VOICE: Did he just throw the g*n?

I don't know what I'm doing.

Then leave us be, parasite!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(GROANS)

(BRAKES HISS)

- Oh, come on, come on.
- (ENGINE SPUTTERS)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(VAN ENGINE SPUTTERS)

(BRANCHES SNAPPING)

Oh, sh*t!

(SCREAMS)

(GASPS)

(SIGHS)

Oh, God. (CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHS) Oh, God.

(' S POP MUSIC PLAYING)

What Neanderthals dreamed of.
The paleoanthropologists...

How we doin', Gus? You sleep all right?

Hmm?

I wonder what fishes dream about.

What the...

Fish.

What do you mean, "grew back"?

Yesterday, that fish had one fin.
It was like that when I bought him.

- Today, what do you see?
- I see two...

(YELLS) Two fins! Yeah, sorry.
But, yeah, he's got two fins now.

So, is that normal, or...

Well, if you wanna swap it, go ahead.

But, like I said yesterday,
they've all got...

What do you mean? I
wasn't here yesterday.

(SCOFFS) Yeah, all right.

Look, as I said,
they've all got two fins.

I don't care what that Nemo movie says.

Find a pet shop that sells
disabled fish and go there.

- I don't have time for this.
- Wait, is that... Is that clock right?

No, that's impossible, I just woke up.

Are you mad? The fish is
wrong, the time is wrong.

You're not quite right.

Bugger, I've got a date.
Sorry, I've got a date.

All right.

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

You look like a knob.

We still expecting one more?

Yes. It's not looking so good, is it?

(CELL PHONE UNLOCKS)

(LINE RINGS)

DYLAN: Punchy. Calling me now?

What? What do you mean?

I'm at the restaurant
for steak. It's steak time.

Yeah, I ate steak by myself,
thanks. Two days ago.

What? I thought we said Friday? Today.

Right. Welcome to Sunday.

Come on, no. I think Friday still
comes after Thursday, doesn't it?

It doesn't change the
fact that today is Sunday,

which means "lose my number."

(SCOFFS) Cheers.

- But...
- (LINE DISCONNECTS)

Sorry, what day is it today?

- WAITER: Sunday, sir.
- No.

Is it...

Really?

The kitchen's closing soon.

Okay. Um... You know what?

I'll have a steak, please.

Sure. What cut would you like?

I see.

Um...

I'll have the best bit of the...

The steak. That's the bit that I want.

The center-cut's filet.
And how would you like that?

Good, yeah. Very good. Very good. Yeah.

- I'll... I'll put you for well done.
- Okay. All right.

Yeah. That sounds delicious.

Yeah, you know, I think
she really liked me.

She loved the flowers. Yeah.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna bring
her around soon, I think.

Yeah, I think you'd love her. Yeah,
she's got a great sense of humor.

So... Anyway, I'll tell you
more about it tomorrow.

Love you. Laters, gators.

(DOOR BUZZES OPEN)

(DOOR UNLOCKS)

Do you want some?

All right.

You can have some sprinkles.

If you're Gus, I'm the
bloody Queen of Sheba.

(THUDS)

(SIGHS IN EXASPERATION)

What's this?

(GROANS MILDLY)

What is this about?

(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

- There we are.
- (CELL PHONE STARTUP CHIMING)

All right.

Layla.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Yeah?

LAYLA: Oh, my God, you're alive.

- Yeah, all right.
- That's it?

I've been texting and
calling you for months.

You couldn't give me any
sign that you were okay?

(SIGHS) I thought something
happened to you.

Where are you? Where've you been?

Uh... (SIGHS)

Hello? You... (SIGHS)

Sorry, I just found
this phone in my flat,

and I'm just trying to
figure out whose it is.

- What is with this accent?
- What?

What is happening right now?

Sorry, who do you think I am?

What do you mean, "who"?
What's wrong with you, Marc?

What did you just call me?

Who is this?

Why did you call me "Marc"?

- Hello?
- (LINE DISCONNECTS)

- No, no, no. Come on.
- (DIALS NUMBER)

(LINE RINGING)

MALE VOICE: (ECHOES) Steven.

Steven.

- Hello?
- Steven.

- You need to stop.
- Who said that?

- You're gonna get yourself in trouble.
- Oh, no, no, no, mate.

Someone's having a laugh.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

(PANTING)

(SIGHS IN RELIEF)

Bloody hell.

What the...

(SIGHS MILDLY)

(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)

MALE VOICE: Steven.

Stop looking.

(RUMBLING)

Oh, God. What's happening?

What's happening?

Oh, God!

(PANTING)

(ELEVATOR THUDS)

No, G. G, G. Let's go.
Come on. Ground floor.

(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING)

(MONSTER MUMBLING)

- (MONSTER SCREAMING)
- (STEVEN GASPS)

Hold the door.

- WOMAN: Thank you.
- (STEVEN GASPS)

(STEVEN BREATHING HEAVILY)

Hiya.

- Hi.
- You all right?

Fine. Thank you. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Just lost my contact lens.

Hope you find it.

Electrical problems
in the building, innit?

Always the same, isn't it?

- Are we back on the fifth floor?
- Yes, the fifth.

My friend Claire lives
here. I'm visiting her.

She's expecting me.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR RAPIDLY)

(STEVEN SIGHS DEEPLY)

What's going on?

(ELECTRICAL BUZZING)

(CAWING)

(SCREAMS)

(EXCLAIMS MILDLY)

(ELECTRICAL BUZZING)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Oh, my God. He's real.

(J.B. LAUGHING)

Hey, J.B., how you doin', mate?

- How's it going, Scotty? All right, mate.
- It's Steven.

- Are you watching otter videos again?
- They're adorable, mate.

Great, yeah. Cool. Listen, man,

I need you to keep an eye
out, 'cause I'm being followed.

- Really, mate?
- Yeah. Will you just,

- like, not let anyone in, yeah?
- It's a museum. That'll be difficult.

Obviously. I just mean,
like, anyone dodgy.

Anyone who wants to
come in can, it's free.

- I get it. This man...
- Can you take these downstairs?

- Wait. I know.
- Gotta go, it's Mom.

- I get it. Just a second.
- Take it downstairs now.

- Just help me out...
- Can you take this downstairs, please?

STEVEN: Oh, my God.
That man was on the bus.

I don't give a monkey's.
Take these downstairs...

Will you... Please,
just give me a minute?

Yeah? Thanks, Donna.

DONNA: You're still on inventory tonight.

- So you really do work here.
- STEVEN: Oh, God.

I'd assumed Steven Grant was an alias.

Imagine my surprise to find you here.

Excuse me, Ronnie. This man
right here has been following me.

- Now, I don't know...
- Praise Ammit.

- Thank you.
- Ronnie, you're part of this?

Mate, I don't have your
bloody beetle. I swear. I...

Oh, no. The scarab doesn't belong to me.

It belongs to her. Do you know Ammit?

Do I know Ammit... No, not personally.

Egyptian deity, right?

World's first bogeyman.

She was only the bogeyman for evildoers.

- Right.
- She grew weary of having to wait

for sinners to commit their
crime before punishing them.

Would you wait to weed a garden
till after the roses were dead?

I wouldn't do that.

The justice of Ammit surveys
the whole of our lives.

- Got it.
- Past, present, future.

She knows what we've
done, and what we will do.

Great. Okay. Well, the books
must have left that part out.

Consider this...

Had Ammit been free, she would have

prevented h*tler and the
destruction he wrought.

Nero, the Armenian genocide, Pol Pot.

- Not nice people.
- But she was betrayed.

- Was she?
- By indolent fellow gods.

- (STEVEN SIGHS IN DISGUST)
- By even her own Avatar.

"Avatars." Blue people. Love that film.

- By Avatar, what I mean...
- You mean the anime?

- Steven. Stop it.
- Are you going to k*ll me?

(ELECTRICAL CRACKLING)

It's maddening, isn't it?

The voice in your head.

Relentless, forever unsatisfied.

No matter how hard you try to please,

it devours you until
there's nothing left

but a hollow shell.

And the more you ask for help,

the more you begin to sound
like the boy who cried wolf.

(BREATHES HEAVILY) I can't help you.

I am trying to help you.

I saw you k*ll that woman in the Alps.

ARTHUR: I only told her what
millions more will soon learn.

Do you wanna know the truth?

There's chaos in you.

There's what?

ARTHUR: Let him go.

(CODE READER BEEPS)

(DOG SQUEALING)

Oh, bloody hell.

(DOG SQUEALING)

Hello? Donna?

J.B.?

Pets allowed in the museum.

Here, boy.

(WHISTLES)

Hello?

Where are you, you little bugger?

What are you doing, Steven?

Here, boy.

(WHISTLES)

Hello?

Oh, classic.

I hear you, can you hear me?

Oh.

(MONSTER GROWLS)

Yeah.

(HAUNTING MUSIC PLAYING)

(GASPS)

(LOUDSPEAKER CHIMING)

ARTHUR: Steven Grant of the gift shop.

Give me the scarab and
you won't be torn apart.

(GROWLING)

(GROWLING INTENSIFIES)

(SCREAMS)

(WHIMPERING)

Good Lord!

- (THUDDING)
- (SCREAMING)

Oh, God!

Oh, God.

MARC: Steven...

Steven, I can save us.

But I can't have you
fightin' me this time.

You need to give me
control. You understand?

No, what... Control of what?
What are you talking about?

That thing's about to break
through the door. We're out of time.

- All right, hey. Listen to me.
- Damn it! No!

- Listen. Look at me.
- No!

- Look at me.
- You're not real!

- This is real. I'm real.
- No! You're not real.

- None of this is real.
- Yes. Steven. You gotta give me control.

It's the only way.

- Oh, God. I'm gonna die.
- You... Steven.

- I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die.
- Look at me.

You're not gonna die.

Let me save us.

(GROANS)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)