02x16 - As Goldie As It Gets

[bunniefuu]

♪ The Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

[cheering]

BEEF: Children, this can

has been in the back
of the panic room

since before any of you were born.

Nobody knows what's in it.

I have your predictions,
and whoever's closest

gets all the money
in the swear jar.

And that's a [bleep] ton
of money

- because we all love to swear.
- Hell yeah, we do!

Fudge, yes! I don't like fudge
so that's a swear to me.

If a bunch of silly snakes
pop out of that mystery can,

I'm gonna be pissed.

Well, I guess it depends
on how silly they are.

- Come on, baked beans.
- No, it's got to be peaches.

God, I hope it's creamed corn.

Whoop, whoop,
show me that soup!

Dad, it's time.

[chanting]
Mystery can! Mystery can!

Wait! Ham, we need
your mystery can guess.

Oh, yeah, I forgot
we were doing this. [laughs]

I've been so busy lately
with my volunteer hours

at the senior home,
I've barely even seen Crispin.

And of course he's also
been super busy since he was

promoted to assistant boss
manager at Smoothie Boss.

The supplemental blender
training is really intense.

- Joey Valdez nearly lost a finger.
- That's the job.

I'm sorry, Ham. Being separated
from your first true love

can be tough, even if it's just
for some supplemental blending.

Oh. [sputters]
It's okay, Dad. We're fine.

And at least I enjoy my work
at the retirement home.

They love
when I bring them a cake.

Nothing blows an old person's
mind like a cake.

Yeah. I made one
for tonight's bingo game

that combines two
of the seniors' favorite things:

gambling and grandchildren,

and it's called
"A Bingo Caked My Baby."

Speaking of eating babies.
You know what?

I don't need a segue or
permission to change the subject.

I'm going
to my first pottery class

at Kilnin' It! pottery studio tonight.

Ah, a new artistic medium
for our budding Brandy Warhol.

- Our Lady-nardo da Vinci.
- Pauletta Picasso.

You know there are
women artists, right?

Sorry. We got carried away.

And now, without further ado,
the mystery can!

- [gasps] Good God, the smell!
- Why, Dad? Why?

- [overlapping chatter]
- I'm gonna chop my nose off!

- HAM: The devil is in the can!
- [Beef grunts]

Okay, great. I'll just
burn the house down,

and the smell will be all gone.

HAM: Who wants a piece
of delicious baby?

I'll take some arm.

- Mm-hmm.
- Hey, there, mister.

Why don't you, uh, at
least let me hold that

flimsy cardboard while
you chop up that baby?

[laughs] Thanks.
Goldie, right?

Uh-huh. Got a platter
back in my room

- if you got a moment.
- Sure. I've got nothing but time.

We get it, kid... you're young.

You don't have to be a B hole
about it. Follow me.

[gasps]

Mounds of terra cotta clay?

Adults exploring their artistic side?
A grown man in overalls?!

- It's exactly what I pictured!
- Oh, hey. You must be Judy.

Go ahead and have a seat
at any available wheel,

and we'll get started.

My own wheel?
Speak to me, mistress.

All right, couple ground rules
before we begin.

Remember, the important thing is

you have to keep making
and making and making.

Second thing is,
even though I'm flattered,

I'm in a committed
relationship with my partners

Wintergreen and Mike
so I cannot Swayze you.

Okay, but could you sit
behind me and sort of put

your arms around me while
we make a bowl together?

Melinda, that's Swayze-ing,
and you know it.

- Damn it.
- Now everyone, silence your minds

so that you may hear the song
of the clay.

♪ Ah, ah, ah-ah. ♪

I'm you, Judy, and you're me,

and together, we're beautiful.

I am home.

HAM: Wow, Goldie, those
dishes are delicious.

Oh, you like my dish collection?

A lot of them were
from my husband Paul.

He's dead now.
He was a writer.

Wow! What did he write?
Poetry? Novels?

Oh, the heating instructions
for all sorts of food products.

"Let cool before eating."
That was his idea.

Before that, people were burning
their mouths all the time.

I had to sell most of the dishes
he bought me

when I moved in here and, uh,

because I don't throw
my freak-outs anymore.

That's what everyone used
to call my wild parties.

Oh, you would've loved it, Ham.

I loved to bake, too,
and I'd make a bunch of stuff

that sounds pretty gross now,

but was considered hip
at the time.

Weineroni casseroles,
bananas hollandaise,

my seven-liver dip.

Oh, and Paul and I would
always do a special dance.

[whistles] Wouldn't kick this dish
out of bed for serving crackers.

Oh, that was a special platter I got

for my sweet Paul's
th birthday freak-out,

but then he d*ed suddenly at ,

which he would have liked
because he loved jokes,

but he couldn't enjoy it
because, again, he was dead.

And all the plans I had
for that plate

and that party just, pfft,
dried up, blew away.

That was almost ten years ago.

His birthday's coming up
in a few days.

Oh, I could make a cake
for his birthday,

- and we could raise a glass to him.
- Or... maybe...

No, no, no, we couldn't.

- We shouldn't!
- Shouldn't what?

Just, well... I don't know.

It's too crazy, but we could...

we could throw Paul's freak-out,
the whole party.

Oh, no, no, no.
You know what? Never mind.

Forget I said it. Dumb idea!

I'm a dumb old lady
with a dumb mouth.

What?
No! It's not dumb!

I've got plenty of free time
right now to help you

because my boyfriend is busy
with blender training.

Okay, Ham, if you insist.
Did you hear that, Paul?

We're having your birthday
party this weekend.

So tell your boring
heaven friends you're busy!

Morning, Judy.
What's that you've got there?

A handful of toilet paper?

It's my very first handmade mug!
Go ahead, Father.

- Fill it with coffee!
- Okay.

Aah! I see.

All I have to do is put my
thumb on the hole like so.

Or drink it
from the hole like so.

Ah. Oh, what a novel
drinking experience, Judy.

It's lots of fun for my mouth.

I know it's not perfect,
but Kurt says

a flawed mug is just like
a flawed person... beautiful.

Nonsense. This is a great mug.

I just need to work on myself
to be able to use it.

Aw, I feel awful I don't have
a mug for each of you,

but don't worry.
I'm going back tonight,

and I'm gonna birth
some new pieces!

Oh. [laughs]
Ah, terrific!

Why don't you guys just
tell Judy her cup is bad?

Oh, we try not to discourage her.

When she was four,
I didn't put her drawing

of a cat on the fridge,
and for a week,

she walked around the house
in a bathrobe,

- sighing and pretending to smoke.
- Well, maybe she'll get better?

Either that,
or we get better at lying.

HAM: I knew training
was gonna be tough,

but your poor finger.

Oh, it's just
to protect it during the day

so I can get back
to blending tonight.

Yeah, I've got a pretty
big night planned, too.

I'm helping my senior friend,
Goldie, plan a party.

Oh, that reminds me!

We're having a party
on Saturday night.

You'll have to come, too. We'll
finally get to hang out again.

Okay, got to motor.
PE's all the way across school,

and I need
to walk extra careful

so my finger doesn't bump
into anyone.

- Goodbye, alligator.
- And a good day to you, crocodile.

I knew you guys were watching
Stranger Things tonight

so I brought a pineapple
The Upside Down cake.

Looks delicious.

Wait 'till you see
what I have planned

for Goldie's big party. Ow!

- Her what?
- Goldie!

Oh, is it that time already?
Ham, you come with me.

Sorry. We've got to get him
to his drug counseling

because
of how he's addicted to dr*gs.

He's been smoking Tide bongs with his

no-good friends down
by the railroad tracks.

Okay, we-we better, uh, uh...
Yeah, we-we got to go. Bye.

- Goldie, what in the world?!
- Shut it.

No talking about the party
in front of the fuzz.

Okay, so I should have
mentioned this earlier,

but it's not exactly cool
to throw the birthday freak-out

- here at the old people's home.
- Why?

Well, I might have thrown
a little shindig my first week

that resulted in some damaged
medical equipment.

A couple of people had an IV
bag fight. That's not my fault!

So this party is...
against the rules?

[scoffs] At my age, I consider all
rules to just be suggestions,

and most of them
suggestions I do not like.

Well, if we can't do it here,
where are we gonna throw it?

Oh, I got a venue in mind.
I'll show you tomorrow.

But if you're having second
thoughts, you know what?

I-I'll just light a candle
for Paul here

all alone in my room
and say his name softly

into the darkness, like this.
[sadly] "Paul."

Uh-uh, Goldie. Paul may have
'd his way into heaven,

but this weekend, he turns .

- So, where's our first stop?
- Let's hit the party supply store.

Then we can go see
my friend Mark

- and buy some cocai...
- [phone chimes]

Crispin, huh?
Is that your mister?

- You want to write him back?
- Yeah, I do, but our dad always says

if he ever catches us texting
while driving,

our next call should be
to the news to see

if they want to interview
the most grounded child alive.

- Smart man.
- I'll just text him back later.

That's what you do
in relationships now, huh?

You just send each other emojis
and pictures of your butts?

You ever dance?

Yeah, we actually fell in love
at a dance.

But we're both just
really busy these days.

Wait! Stop!
Stop here! Pull over!

Goldie!
Hey, uh, uh, come back?

Oh, man, I'm gonna lose a senior.

Oh, hot dang!
The ducks are here.

- I've never seen this spot before.
- [ducks quacking]

- It's so beautiful.
- Oh, yeah, the pond is only

unfrozen a few days a year.

I used to drag Paul away
from his desk

so we wouldn't miss it.

Too bad
your boyfriend's missing it.

Well, he said he's coming
to the party this weekend.

But what if you got m*rder*d
before then, Ham?

- Have you thought about that?
- Are you gonna m*rder me, Goldie?

Nah, I don't have
the upper body strength.

- Ah, I love it here.
- I can see why.

I'm glad we stopped.

What are you doing, Ham?
Don't sit down.

We got to go shopping
for the party. Come on!

Come on! Come on!
Come on! Come on! Keep up!

- So, what does everyone think?
- Oh, I love my fork!

- It's a candle holder.
- Sure is!

I was just gonna make one thing
last night,

but the studio really inspires me.

That wheel was a-spinning,

and Kurt was doing
his Norwegian yoik singing.

And the next thing you knew,

I'd made enough pottery
to fill a barn.

And I love my pink... thing.

- Picture frame!
- Oh!

- Okay. Mm-hmm.
- Moon? Any thoughts?

This was given to me by my sister.

And Dad, do you like yours?

Uh, well, it will be very fun
to eat food off this plate, Judy.

Look how tiny my hamburger
looks in this landscape.

I'm glad you guys love your
gifts, cause there's gonna be

more, more, more
where that came from!

Terrific. Now where did
my tater tots go?

Oh, they've fallen into the hole
in the middle of my plate. Neat.

- Okay, where to now?
- Ooh, turn off here, Ham!

- What's this?
-That party venue I told you about.

This is my house.
My actual house, that I own.

I just have to sleep at that
old people's storage facility.

Well, it looks
like it was gorgeous,

but it doesn't seem... safe?

I just wish
I could celebrate here once more

before I... you know.
[guttural grunting]

[gasps]
Goldie, you're dying?

Oh, it's okay, Ham.
I'm not afraid.

- I've had a good life.
- Oh, what the hell.

It can't hurt to throw
a little party in there.

- It's just a couple hours.
- That's the spirit.

Now, We just need to
figure out how to get

old people here from
the old people place.

Um, I think Junkyard Kyle
has a bunch of old busses.

Great! These seniors
will be so excited to take

a ride in something
other than an ambulance.

♪ Here I am with my old friend ♪

♪ She is old but I am not ♪

♪ Her bones are old
and she is old ♪

♪ But her heart is young,
so we still hang out. ♪

Ow! My hand!
You broke it!

Just kidding. Let's rage!

- Oh, no. I mean, hello!
- Hi, guys. Listen,

I just wanted to say, I
realize that some of my early

attempts at ceramics might
have been a little... not great.

- What!? No. Uh-uh.
- Correct.

And I realized that ceramic
dishes just aren't my calling.

And that's why...
♪ Bump, ba-da-da-da! ♪

I am pleased to present to you

my new line of ceramic jewelry
and clothing! Honeybee!

- Oh, wow.
- It's a necklace!

Of course it is, girl.

Pure elegance.

And Moon, this is for you.
It's a ceramic jacket,

- and you just put it on like so.
- Mm.

Hey, what does that say
on the lapel there?

Oh, it says "Slammin'!"
Isn't that cool?

- Oh, God. Got to sit down.
- Now, where's Ham?

I believe he's up in his room,
getting ready

for an event at the senior home.

Oh, great. I'm gonna go
give him his gift.

It's ceramic shorts that say
"Slammin'!" on the pockets.

Can someone help me
get my head up?

To the rescue,
my collapsing Christine!

Guys, we got to do something to
stop Judy from making this crap.

How about we go down
to the pottery studio

- and have a little chat with this Kurt?
- MOON: Dad? Help?

Yup, gonna get
my reciprocating saw.

We'll cut you out of there
in no time.

HAM: Hey, Crispin, it's me.

Uh, I got your message.
It's a bummer

they added hours
to your schedule tonight

now that your promotion
came through.

I would've liked to see you,
but I understand.

Oh, and if you remember,
can you look

for my lucky pinecone
at your house?

It looks like a pinecone,
but luckier.

Okay, love you. Bye!

- [knocking]
- You headed out?

And wishing you had a pair
of ceramic shorts to wear?

Well, I...
Wait. Whoa. A tuxedo?

Wowee, wow-wow.

I thought you were volunteering tonight.

I'm helping a lady
at the senior home throw a party

for her dead husband's
long-delayed th birthday.

- Hey, you should come!
- Yes! And idea.

I've got a lot
of ceramic dishes and vases

I could bring along
to spruce up the scene.

Oh, your dishes. Uh, great!

The seniors are used to hardship.

A lot of them were in wars.

♪ ♪

Now show me
what this baby can do, Ham.

Oh, yeah! Let's freak out!

I actually can't see
so I have to take these off.

[muffled music playing]

Would you like some
of this... Jell-O stuff?

What an unusual plate.

Thanks. I made it myself.

My granddaughter Amanda used

to send me arts and crafts,
but now she's in a cult.

It's going great, my
Ham scramble! [rumbling]

Oh, the house is giving us
a little shake

'cause she's enjoying
the party so much.

I knew she had one more in her.

Ham, are you ready
for our dance?

Wait. What do you mean,
our dance?

Our dance!
Like me and Paul used to do.

Uh, but we didn't plan anything,
Goldie. We didn't practice.

You don't have to practice a dance.

I've literally never heard of that.

All right, Goldie. Let's dance.

That's the spirit.
You want a little cocaine?

- Goldie!
- Kidding! I couldn't get any.

Turns out
my guy went back to school.

He's an art historian now.
I am so proud of him.

WOLF: Okay, so what's the plan?

Do we just go in there
and start smashing pottery

and say "Judy's out!"? Oh!
We could do Italian accents

- so he thinks we're in the Mafia.
- Great idea, son,

but maybe we should just tell him

that because I don't have
the strength to tell my daughter

she's bad at ceramics,
he has to do it.

Or... wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

Moon is really good
at throwing his voice.

Maybe he could do it
into one of the pots.

And Kurt will be so freaked out,
he'll never let her come back.

[slowly] Judy... is evil.

Guys, Judy is spending money here,

so we're gonna have
to offer this guy cash,

or we could offer him a cool
experience instead of money,

like a massage,
or a gnocchi-making class.

An outside-the-box idea...

we frame him for m*rder,
and his store gets shut down.

Look, this Kurt guy
and the power of ceramics

are obviously pretty overwhelming,

so let's just go in there,
throw all this stuff at him,

and hope something works.

- Greetings, new friends. I...
- [Italian accent] It's a-me, Mario.

Uh, my a-sister... she's out

- of the pottery business. Uh, capice?
- Um...

Instead of money, we're
gonna give you a massage.

- What?
- [eerie voice] Judy is evil.

Well, I'm not sure
what any of that meant,

but all are welcome.

Now, may I present to you
the magic in your own hearts?

Touch this clay.

[vocalizing]

- Do you feel that? The power?
- I do.

- Oh, wow.
- Mm-hmm.

- I am a changed man.
- Let us begin.

Hit it, Grace!

♪ Jell-O sets fast,
but it won't last forever ♪

♪ The cake tastes sweetest
when we're together ♪

♪ It's the good ol' days
and the food is nasty ♪

♪ But this is the moment
to make it last-y ♪

♪ Just like in Footloose
starring Kevin Bacon ♪

♪ You can't plan out
life's dance ♪

♪ You just got
to start a-shakin' ♪

♪ Life is too short
and you have to raise a glass ♪

♪ Why not get the crew of Apollo
tattooed on your ass? ♪

Wait. Do you really have that?

What they did
was very heroic, Ham.

Tattooing them on my butt
was the least I could do.

♪ So twirl me through ♪

♪ This raspberry bologna aspic
once more ♪

♪ Life is too short not to take
another spin around the floor ♪

♪ It's the good old days
and the food is nasty ♪

♪ But this is the moment
to make it last-y! ♪

[applause]

All right, now,
it's time for a toast.

You know, this was the
party I was supposed

to throw many years ago
for my sweetheart, Paul,

but then, two days before
his birthday, out of nowhere,

like a real ding-dong,
he kicked the bucket.

And that taught me something.

Never put off for two days
the party you can have today.

So I'm glad we got to have
this one right here together.

And Paul, if you're out there,

well, just give us a sign
if you liked your party.

[rumbling, screaming]

Uh, o-okay, Paul,
that's enough sign.

- You can stop now.
- JUDY: Oh, God! Get out of my way!

I have to protect my bowls!
My vessels!

Aah! Call !

Everyone please just walk
to the nearest exit!

- [screaming]
-O r, yes, panicking is fine, too.

Whatever works for you.

Well, looks like I could charge
you with breaking and entering.

Breaking and entering?
But Goldie owns the house.

- Well...
- Goldie!

- I had to sell it after Paul d*ed.
- [sighs] Goldie.

So, how many years
are we staring down, Officer?

- I can take it.
- Well, I mean, this is pretty serious.

You're going away for a long, long time.

- What? [Goldie gasps]
- [laughs] No, that's not true.

But saying that aloud has
always been a dream of mine.

Listen, Edna,
I know we made a mistake,

but we only did this
because Goldie's dying.

- Well...
- Goldie! You lied about dying?

I mean, we're all dying, Ham,
except Benjamin Buttons.

But, no, I'm not dying,
like, now.

Goldie, you manipulated me to
break the law. That's terrible!

And his name was "Benjamin
Button," not "Buttons!"

And he did die. He just aged in
reverse and then d*ed as a baby.

Oh, I got to take this.
It's the homeowners.

Don't you dare say anything
good until I come back.

- You mad?
- Yes, kind of!

Goldie, we're in big trouble.

And we could've been crushed
by the ceiling.

But we weren't,
and we did some living!

Well, the people
who own the house

aren't gonna press charges.

Place is due
to be demolished anyway.

- Let's get you back.
- Demolished, huh?

- I'm afraid so.
- Okay. Just give me a moment

with the house to say goodbye?

Bye, Paul.
This freak... is out.

BEEF: Well, I do not think

we got the message through
to him about Judy.

But we did all sign up
for daily pottery classes.

And the -day pottery
retreat in Tahoe.

Well, let's just call and cancel.

- First thing in the morning.
- Right, and if we are still

interested in ceramics,
I could just

build a little pottery studio
in the backyard.

Or we could just go back
to the ceramics place tomorrow?

- Yeah, yeah, let's do that.
- Yes.

I miss Kurt. Do you think
we could call him?

I bet he's in the phone book.

HAM: You know, you didn't
have to lie to me.

About the house
and, um, about dying.

I'm sorry. I-I guess
I just wanted to make sure

I got one more night at my house.

With my memories, with Paul.

I never even got to
say goodbye, you know?

We were both in great health.
We thought we'd live to be ,

and then poof, he was just gone.

You know, it's funny.
We've been together all week,

and I've never even seen
this boyfriend of yours.

- Well, he's had work.
- Yeah, Paul used to work a lot, too.

In fact, we were gonna have
his freak-out the week before,

but he had a big assignment
pop up... an impossible deadline

on instructions for
a double-decker waffle maker.

So I rescheduled,
and then look what happened.

You know what happened?
I'm gonna tell ya.

- He d*ed.
- Yeah, he d*ed.

Yes! You can't wait for the
special moments to come to you.

You have to make them, Ham.

If you don't, you could miss them,

just like I missed Paul's birthday.

I'm sure he knew you loved him.

Yeah, I showed him in
little ways, like buying flowers

and installing a mirror
on our bedroom ceiling,

but boy, what I'd give
for one more day.

I know you and Crispin are young,

but life goes faster than you think,

and the one thing
you can't count on is more time.

Sometimes things in life
come out of nowhere,

and you don't want to have regrets.

Now, what do you think
you need to do?

- Go to Crispin.
- Yes!

- But first, drop Judy at home!
- Okay!

And then I need to get some gas.

But after that, I'll go to him.

Attaboy.
Oh, and also walk me in.

It's a little icy.
I don't want to slip and fall.

I'm still planning
to live to be .

I know Paul's gonna wait for me.

He's just up there putting a
mirror on our ceiling in heaven.

♪ ♪

- Hamuel?
- Hi.

- You're here.
- So are you.

What a coincidence.

Do you have anywhere
you need to go now?

- Yeah.
- Oh.

Oh, no, no, no. I-I mean,
wherever you're going.

Okay, cool.

- Thanks for picking me up.
- Thanks for letting me pick you up.

Well, thanks for being thankful
to me for picking me up.

- Sorry it took so long.
- You were right on time.

Wow. Ugh. This is gross.
What's in it?

Oh, uh, whipped cream,
sausages and horseradish.

- Should we throw it away?
- Yes, yes. Absolutely, yes.

♪ Yo, DJ, let's slam it ♪

♪ These ceramics clothes
are so slammin' ♪

♪ I love to wear 'em
when I'm swammin' ♪

♪ Catchin' salmon or pajammin' ♪

♪ Your private parts
you'll be fannin' ♪

♪ Perfect for travelin'
to Japan in ♪

♪ In England,
I'm minding the gap in ♪

♪ I'm makin' peanut butter
and jammin' ♪

♪ Yo, DJ, keep it slammin' ♪

♪ At the beach,
when you're tannin' ♪

♪ These fly fits
are straight slammin' ♪

♪ When you're takin'
your literature examine ♪

♪ Your teacher will
start exclammin' ♪

♪ Class dismissed forever! ♪